Monday Night Raw Is War Is Still Whomping WCW By A Factor Of Two In The Ratings was over. The fans had finished cheering, collected their piles of expensive memorabilia, and went home. The stadium was quiet. Except for the ranting of the most powerful man in sports- entertainment. "DAMN that bastard!!" Vince spat, shaking with so much rage that his wheelchair was rattling. (A genuine official WWF Wheelchair(tm) -- gotta catch 'em all!) He was busy mopping up a still bleeding cut on his forehead, cursing and swearing and cursing and generally foaming at the mouth. Shane McMahon, the Boy Wonder, was busy pacing back and forth. "It's okay, dad. We can still beat him. We're just a few days away from Fully Loaded, he's still got that head wound. Since the first one to bleed is out--" "I KNOW that!" Vince said. "I'm not worried about the match! I just hate Austin on general principles and feel free to express that!!" He grumbled, and settled down. "This is sickening. Every time I get the upper hand, that bastard finds SOME way to humiliate me anyway. Nobody does that to me and gets away with it! I'm Vince McMahon! Don't these people know who I am!?" Maybe if he keeps up the ranting I can have him put in the old folk's home and take over, Shane mused to himself quietly. Ooh, happy fun thought... "It doesn't matter, does it?" Shane asked, focusing on the present. "We'll get revenge at the event. You on Austin, me on Test, and all the other people who have their dues coming to 'em. Then, all tables are clear. The McMahons rule again and all our enemies are laughingstocks!" Vince grinned. The idea sounded good to him. All the enemies who... He froze. "No," he replied. "Not all our enemies. I can't believe I almost forgot about it. No... Shane, m'boy, we still have ONE more fish to fry. And how about we stir 'em up in a pan first as a warm-up act to putting Stone Cold Steve Austin out of the business?" "Eh?" Shane asked, confused. "Who do you mean, the IRS?" "No, not the IRS! ...you did destroy those documents, right? What about the tapes?!" "Dad! Of course I got rid of them." "Then no, not the IRS," Vince corrected, calming somewhat. "We've still got a score to settle. I think, Shane, it's time we took the Lord's name in vain--" *knocknock* Xelloss leaned in the doorway, waving an envelope. "Special delivery for Vince McMahon!" * In the vault of Heaven, in the purest holy bliss that exists, where the divine light embraces and warms the good and righteous, FedEx dropped off a letter. Kasumi didn't open it. Didn't even look at it. She already knew what it was. And had made a point to send her acceptance letter a day in advance, so it would arrive before McMahon challenged her. (Of course, to save face, he'd have to send his letter anyway.) God enjoys a good joke now and then. The Lord smiled quietly, and resumed her paperwork. Yes, it would be a very interesting show indeed. And a lot of fun for everybody! * ARE YOU READY, TRUE BELIEVERS?! IMPROFANFIC AND TITAN SPORTS* HAVE TEAMED UP -= ONE MORE TIME!=- TO BRING YOU... { M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R } { F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } \\ // //\\ \\/ \\ \\// o \\ \\ //\\ //==== [===] [===] \\ \\// \\// ### ### \\ \/ /\ \/==== ### ### \\ //\\// ### ### \\// \/ o [===] [===] __-----------___ / Written by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne * WWF characters and trademarks used in a non-profit manner without permission, all are copyright Titan Sports, 1999. (IE, save a copy now before we get sued. ^_^;) Timeline Continuity as of 7/19 : Between Ultra #16 and #17 Before Fully Loaded '99 * [AUDIO]: (explosions) (broken glass) (screaming) O/~ IT'S THE LIFE IN THE SPITE IN THE SOUL OF ME TO THE COAL AND THE FOAL IN THE ROLL OF PEE YOU'LL SEE ME GRAB THE KEYS IN THE BRIEF MONSOON RAW IS WAR'S ALONE CREAMY YOUNG THIGH! O/~ And the crowd went wild. Fireworks shot from the ceiling, to detonate on the stage, as RAW IS WAR (with the WAR scratched out and ULTRA written in) dominated the TitanTron(tm). This was America. This was the World Wrestling Federation. This was WWF Attitude. These people knew how to have just as good of a time as their Japanese companions at the UltraDome. And what's more, said companions had been flown out to the King Dome just for this event; the stadium packed floor to ceiling with fans of all federations, all walks of life. All with one purpose. To watch a DAMN good night of sports entertainment. Floor and ceiling, of course, being very, very large objects indeed. For one night only, the Lord had taken it on herself to double the capacity of the dome (fire codes a non-issue, when god's looking out after the building). All of the ticket money poured straight into Titan Sports coffers, true, but it meant the signs were thick enough to be declared a national forest preserve, and the noise could make a Concord jet whimper and go back to England for tea and crumpets. "Folks, we are LIVE from the King Dome for a very special Raw is War!" Good 'ol JR, Jim Ross, announced. "It's a clash of the titans! They mixed it up once in Tokyo and rocked that city to its foundations, and now they're here stateside for RAW IS ULTRA, as commanded by Vince McMahon!" "What a show this is gonna be!" Jerry "The King" Lawler shrieked like a cheerleader. "Old rivals are gonna be under the same roof, and I can't wait to see what Mr. McMahon has in store for them, JR!" "This has got to be the nastiest popcorn I've ever eaten," Daisuke said, tossing the box aside. "This is America, right? Do you guys have some big, fat hot dogs full of meat byproducts or anything?" "Joining us here for ringside commentary is Ultra's own Daisuke," JR continued. "The quiet, cynical one of the pairing. I understand Hiroshi couldn't make it tonight?" "When Kasumi told him about the event, he got so excited that his brain exploded," Daisuke grumbled. "You know, JR, I think we should sue NERV for faulty workmanship. I need a good, durable partner. The joke is getting old." "Speaking of jokes," Lawler didn't quite segueway into things cleanly enough with, "It's gonna be a big joke on your crazy fighters from Ultra! Here comes the Corporate Ministry right now, to start things up!" The crowd, of course, booed the group and shouted and decried the various genetic imperfections of their family tree. Vince McMahon, carefully wheeled down the ramp by Shane and flanked by the Triple H, Chyna and various other heel bastards... was smiling. Oh, what a glorious day THIS would be, he thought. Theme From The Corporate Ministry in D Minor With Oboe Accompaniment followed him, as he was hauled into the ring, and passed the mike. "So! Who here wants to see some pasty white Japanese butt kicked?!" Vince shouted. "That's not very PC," Daisuke scoffed. "I'm deeply hurt. ...hey, wait a minute, shouldn't Undertaker be up there? He's--" "I wasn't actually expecting these guys to show up!" Vince continued. "But I guess God has the balls -- if she had any, that is -- to face me after the HELL they put me through on their cute little Power Rangers show! Of course, since this was so impromptu... we didn't quite finish setting up the fight card. So, Kasumi? If you'd get your sweet as sunshine, candy and sugar ASS down here, let's finish this!" "You know, not too many people have the guts to talk smack about Kasumi," Daisuke noted. "She doesn't strike me as a mean person," JR observed. "Oh, she's not directly mean. But folks who do THAT usually end up having a bad day by some amazing string of coincidences anyway..." No angels. No fanfare. No holy light and choir. Just a snap from the normal shot of the ring on the TitanTron(tm) to... Kasumi, working in her office. Of course, the Out box was stacked higher than the In box, because she was God and wouldn't do with a cluttered desk, but nevertheless she looked quite busy. "Hello, McMahon-san!" Kasumi said, voice like honey in your tea. She smiled, and waved. "Hello, minna-san! It's so nice to see many people in America having a fun time. You're having a fun time, right?" (What was the crowd going to do, say 'no?' They cheered.) "Good, good. Now, McMahon-san, I'd love to come down to the mortal plane and work things out, but as you can see... well, there's just so much to do here. I'm busy setting things up for UltraRage Beta, you see--" Pop from the crowd. "--and there's a lot to handle. So I can't come. Very sorry!" But this just made Vince all the happier. "Oh, no, that's okay, miss. See, if you can't make it, and the rules state that all booking has to be done in person before a officially sanctioned World Wrestling Federation official..." "Rules? This show has rules?" Daisuke asked. "...how about if I just pick who *I* want to be on the card tonight? For starters--" "Of course," Kasumi interrupted, letting him get far enough to look like a jackass, but not far enough to do any damage. "It wouldn't do for me not to have a representative down there to help you. It'd be so impolite to leave all the work to you. And I figured that you'd be happier with a face that you recognize. So, I'd like to introduce you to my newly hired Liaison in the World Wrestling Federation..." Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. And, to the tune of 'Sexy Boy', out walks Shawn Michaels, Commissioner of the WWF, professional burr in McMahon's saddle and general cocky young guy. And the crowd goes wild. (yaay.) Vince's face fell like London Bridge. Not HIM. Not that arrogant little piece of... "Oh, no, it's going to be another Clipboard Raw," Daisuke groaned. "Sooooo!" Shawn rumbled into his mike, posing a little for the ladies. He whipped out his clipboard, which always meant bad news in a live event... "You're a bad bad man, Vince, trying to take advantage of a nice young lady like that. Fortunately, the Lord and I have an understanding, and I just happen to have a copy of the card you.. WERE.. going to book." Vince tried to protest, but found the audio on his microphone had been mysterious turned off. Elsewhere in the Dome, a technician greedily counted off the wad of bills Nabiki had given him. The Commissioner ran down his list. "Let's see, The Undertaker vs. Stone Cold Dan Hibiki.... nnnnooo." Scratch. "Oh, this is nice. Sephiroth vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin? Now now, let's be serious. After all... Austin would turn him into SILLY PUTTY. So, let's--" "Now, HOLD ON a minute!" Vince shouted, top of his lungs style, to get around lack of amplification. "What's so bad about those fights? Don't these people want to see Stone Cold and Stone Cold? After all, they cheered so loudly last time for those two idiots!" "Reverse psychology! I like. But... no," Michaels said. "As Kasumi-kami-sama's liaison, I'd have to Ixnay on the Tonesay Oldcay. At least... in the way you want. Let's be gamblers, Vince. How about... Stone Cold AND Stone Cold.. in a tag team match against any two fighters of your choosing from either federation who are NOT in the Omega division? Huh? Are you fans going to cheer for that and back me up?" The reaction was measurable on the richter scale. Daisuke's chair shifted six inches to the left. Vince sweatdropped. (An unfortunate comic side effect of being around all these odd people.) "That.. sounds fair. Of course, it'll take me some time to select two athletes of proper- -" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now let's get on with this, I don't want to sit around yammering all night," Michaels said. "You've got Triple H vs. Ranma Saotome... okay, that could be fun. I'll allow that. And Shane.. are you REALLY certain you want a rematch against Lina Inverse, after sent your ass home in a full body cast?" Shane grabbed the initiative from his dad before he could protest. This wasn't something he had cleared through Daddy Dearest, but then again, if you wanted to get ahead in life... "DAMN RIGHT!" Shane shouted. "I want that little witch out here TONIGHT! ...at a location of my specific choosing, I mean. Which I didn't prepare in advance, and--" "I figured as much," Michaels replied. "Well, that's cute and all, but let's make it more interesting. How about the WHOLE Mean Street Posse..." Shane grinned. "...versus all of Unlimited Desire : Naga, Darshu and Lina?" Shane stopped grinning. "Yes, that sounds good here," Michaels said, making a tic mark on his clipboard. "Hmm, and I'll book a few more just for my personal fun which we'll spring on you first, before the main events. That's more than enough said. Vince... party boy, man of the hour... I hope you have a fun, fun time. Because as Kasumi-kami-sama says, it's all about fun! Fun and, of course, VIOLENT MEN HITTING EACH OTHER! Now HIT.. MY.. MUSIC!" And lo, the music was hit, and the women did scream in delight, and Michaels did pose, and Vince ground his teeth hard enough to make sparks like biting a Life Savers in the closet. Shane covered the mike. "Dad, don't worry. It's JUST Dan. That's practically like a handicap match!" "NO chances," Vince growled. "We take no chances. Backstage, war council, NOW. ...and find me the Orochi." "But he said no Omega--" "I know what he said." * In a warm, nurturing environment, people sat in a circle and experienced... togetherness. "Dad! Why do you have to keep messing up my life?!" the young girl ranted. "I mean, if it's not one thing, it's another. You're always making so much noise in that room of yours tinkering up your schemes--" "But--" "And if that wasn't bad enough, now you're embarrassing the rest of your family, too!" The rest of his family remained silent in a bishounen sort of way. "Honestly! You're never going to take over the world, can't you SEE that?" Aki Villyn said. "Not with country music, not with minions, not with orbital railgun platforms or anything! And we're not going to follow in your footsteps. Why can't you love US for what we are?" "Aki, dear," Nemesis Serendipity Villyn replied cooly, "I've made good strides, haven't I? Matsuro-kun here is with us again. And when you wanted to buy that Britney Spears album, I didn't raise a fuss despite how evil it is." "Britney Spears is not EVIL!" "Evil knows evil, Aki. Trust your daddy on this." The moderator dryswallowed another pair of Advil, and sighed. She had heard about this guy from other moderators in the clinic, but.. she had never EXPECTED... Best to just shuffle on to the next family. "...well, before we go any further, we have a new pair in group today. They've had some recent difficulties, but apparently, have had a breakthrough -- let's all learn from their example of how to be caring and considerate to each other, hmm?" The scrawny, dreadlocked guy stood up. "Uh... hi, my name is X-Pac, and I'm a D-Generate." "Hi, X-Pac," the group chimed with. "Well, see... for weeks, I was having trouble here with my partner..." he said, gesturing to the... large man in a red and black costume with mask who hadn't said a word since arriving. "And it's been bad, you know. His brother, who was just using him for his own goals, tricked him -- he's really emotional, you know, deep inside, and gets confused -- into breaking up what I thought was a really good thing. And we've had our troubles, but I always stuck by him." "You two must be very good friends!" the moderator suggested. "Well, the trust issues are ironed out, I think," X-Pac said. "I think we've got a more caring and understanding level of communication goin'... I mean, we're back together, and we're gonna get our tag team titles back, yeah! We're gonna kick some ass and take some names!! D-Generation X is coming BACK, and we've got TWO WORDS FOR YOU!" He paused. Even Matsuro shot him a 'You're weird' look. X-Pac sat down, a bit disgruntled. Nobody EVER failed to fill in the blanks before. "I don't get it, what are the two words?" Nemesis Serendipity Villyn asked. "Forget it, man," X-Pac dismissed. "The moment has passed." "No, I'm serious. What are they? Some sort of unholy ritualistic summoning? A secret voice trigger that detonates a proton bomb?" "Skip it!" "What, 'skip it?' Well, that's not a very interesting pair of words. I was figuring something more.. evil. Like 'Eat me' or 'kiss off' or 'suck--'" That's about when the wall collapsed, sending a few seated families sprawling. Most people would use the door. Sane people, at least. But the person in question knew the value of a good entrance while not knowing the value of a cohesive mind. Besides, the entrance had it all; blue mist, creepy music, etc. And eyes that roll nicely into the back of one's head. The Undertaker gestured towards Kane, standing in the wreckage of the Healthy Healing Center's west wall. "Come, brother," he intoned. "Your defiance does not cut the ties of blood we share. We shall be one as family again. Join me." Kane, being stupid, promptly got up and went to join him. "Whoa, don't do it, dude!" X-Pac shouted. "We're friends, and I'd always stick up for you, man! He's just using you!" The Big Red Machine paused, his small brain overloading with a General Protection Fault. So he just sort of stood there. Already rattled, the moderator was far gone enough to try and help them work things out. "...now, you two need to understand, that without a basis of communication, you'll have 'hurtful moments' like this. People can have friends AND family without the two being a big--" "Silence, mortal," Undertaker requested. "This is none of your business. Only the unholy--" "*AHEM*." All eyes turned to the man with the megaphone built into his armor. His steel toe clanked against the floor as he tapped it... and pointed to his daughter, who was rubbing her head. "Impudent one!" Nemesis shouted. "How dare you put my daughter in harm's unrighteous grasp? You dare to rile the ire of Nemesis Serendipity Villyn, the future overlord of all creation?!" "Dad, it's just a bump," Aki pointed out. "I'm fine--" "Now now, dear, daddy's talking to the mean man," Villyn said sweetly. "I don't even care who you are. Stay out of my family business. Because indeed, like sands through the unholy hourglass, so are the days of our lives." "That may be, but you must stay out of MY family business!!" The two glared. "...I think I'm gonna bail," X-Pac said wisely, grabbing Kane by the elbow and making a run for it. "You challenge me, then?" Undertaker asked. "Indeed." "You will stare the black eyes of death straight through, old man," Undertaker sneered. "The minions of the night will feast on your soul, your mind, and your body. And you will KNOW that my name is the LORD OF--" "VILLYN ROCKET PUNCH!" Undertaker exited through a new hole in the opposing wall of the room at close to the speed of sound. Nemesis blew smoke off of the power gauntlet of his armor, and winced as the superhot metal burned his hand. But a victory is a victory. "So! I feel good now. Let's start working out those family communication issues!" he declared, giving a power-boost amplified evil laugh of satisfaction before the roof collapsed. * Back at the King Dome, Raw Is Ultra was waiting to get underway, the first match an unknown -- simply that it would be something the WWF Commissioner cum Ultra Liaison would enjoy. The lights went out, and a hard driving techno-rock played, colored lights swirling..... But no competitor. "Eh? Where is he?" Daisuke asked, looking around. "You don't have any invisible wrestlers, do you?" "Oh, this guy ALWAYS does this," Lawler blahed. "He thinks he's something special just because he waits until he's fashionably late, then pops out of the audience." A long pause followed. Still no wrestler. Across the ring, someone with their feet up and a pile of empty popcorn boxes and hot dog containers was snoring. His partner nudged him awake. "Hnnh?" Edge said, blinking a few times behind his Damn Cool Matrix Style Sunglasses. "What?" His partner pointed to the ring. "Oh, match," Edge realized. The 'goth' wrestler brushed off the popcorn, and vaulted his bad self over the railing, landing like a cat on both feet -- all while his black trenchcoat flapped like a raven's wings. Shiny white teeth grinned evil death, as he greeted the crowd. The audience lapped it up. This was America, where coolness was a zen art. Where a wicked cool entrance was all. Christian, his brother at arms, was the quiet and brooding type -- he climbed slowly over the barricade and into the ring while Edge hammed it up, bouncing rhythmically on the ropes, and getting ready. "AND THEIR OPPONENTS..." Nine Inch Nails blared out of the speakers, as two clouds of bats swirled at the top of the entrance ramp, like a murder of crows... before congealing, and in a flash, revealing Morrigan and Lillith, posed and blowing kisses to the audience. "Puppies! Puppies!!" Lawler started to scream, waving his arms madly and foaming at the mouth. "Can we clone him if his head explodes?" Daisuke asked. "Because, if he gets like that when anything female shows up, this could become ugly." Edge laughed, and being a damn smooth ladies man, gracefully twirled a hand and gestured into the ring, holding down a rope with his boot -- please, by all means, entrez-vous. The 'twin' succubi were only too happy to take him up on it, giving a nice fan service shot to the folks near ringside, before all four were in the ring, and the bell had rung. Morrigan and Lillith sized up the competition. Sort of. Both looked at Edge. Who grinned evilly. "Nine," they agreed. Then at Christian, who was simply... brooding. "Five?" Morrigan suggested? "TWO!" Lillith taunted, tugging an eyelid at Christian. "A puffy shirt and a bad attitude does not a creature of the night make! Loser! Capital-L-LOSER!" With an uncharacteristic sneer, Christian sprinted from his Loitering Locale, and made a lunging leap for Lillith... Who simply fluttered into the air, and hung just out of his reach. Morrigan laughed, and did the same; a trivial supernatural ability for a pair of demonesses. "Well, that's just unfair," JR protested from ringside, as Christian made grabs at the air, always getting mere inches from getting at them. "I mean, these Ultra fighters have special powers. How can the former Brood-members top that?" Edge simply stood, and considered the problem. Then smiled. (More than he usually did, at any rate.) With an unseen signal, he and Christian ran to opposing turnbuckles, jumped into the air... ...coming down on the ropes, BOUNCING off the elastic ropes backwards in moonsaults, and colliding awkwardly with Morrigan and Lillith, who were simply fluttering around without a care. All four hit the mat HARD, but with the male goth-types at the upper hand. (The easy counter to special powers is to totally ignore the possibility of breaking your neck with some insane tactic.) Morrigan, of course, socked Edge away with her fist in disappointment, and tried to take to the air again -- only to face another quick midair grab, which whipped her down and around, and planted her headfirst into the mat. Lillith was busy stomping repeatedly on Christian, unable to help... "HEY! Those maniacs are hurting the puppies! Noooo! Why, god, why?!" Lawler whined. "Somebody call PETA!" Morrigan wondered what that guy in the stripes was doing counting, but when Edge let go, she remembered; there's a ten count on holds. A little disappointed, she slid to the side on one toe, circling the suave goth dude -- who just kept his arrogant smile, and circled just as fast as she could, looking for an opening. "One thing that Edge and Christian have, it's those death- defying aerial assaults," JR suddenly remembered with much convenience. This could be a pretty even fight after all... "You can't win, you know. You're only human," she reminded him, curious as to the man's determination. "Being in the ring with you IS winning," he replied, in a voice that wasn't entirely over the top. A smile played over Morrigan's lips. Cute. But not enough. She reared back, unleashing a bat-flickering ball of soul energy, to incinerate the poor little bastard and get it over with... Edge, however, ran TOWARDS the shot, jumping into the air with a high kick a cheerleader would be jealous of.. and clearing the fireball totally. Morrigan perked an eyebrow, and tried again; this one he slid under, down and out of the ring, onto the floor. She walked up to the ropes, leaning over to study Edge, who seemed content to wait out there for her. "Slippery one, aren't we?" she asked. "What exactly are you--" And then a scream, as Edge had jumped straight up, grabbed both of Morrigan's little bat wings on her head, and yanked DOWN. She bounced off the rope, and fell flat on her back, too dazed to notice Edge until he was right on top of her... Men had DIED for less, she thought. ...but... WHAT a man! Meanwhile, her sister was busy with her end of the fight, not even paying attention. "Jerk! Weenie! Baka! Nogoodnik!" she taunted, stomping on Christian's spine with her spike-heeled lolicon red leather boots. "No silly humans are ever gonna pin us! We're the dark sisters, and we're.... uh...." She paused, standing on his back, to look over at Edge, who had pinned Morrigan. And she was enjoying it tremendously. "Well, I'm convinced," Morrigan said. "So, what's your number, tall dark and handsome?" "NEEEECHAN!" Lillith shouted, stamping her foot in protest (and eliciting a groan from Christian). "We're in the middle of a fight! Eat his soul later." "Not now, Lillith, Edge-chan was about to show me what a 'wrestling submission move' is like! Ooh, I submit, I submit!" Referee "Blind" Mike Chioda signalled for the bell. Victor, Edge, by submission. Lillith fumed like an industrial plant smokestack dumping noxious gas over a ten mile radius. "MorrriiiGAN! You keep doing this! We should be more serious about this stuff if we're ever going to get those belts back!" Edge and Morrigan linked arms, had a good dual laugh, and Morri blew her sister a kiss before heading backstage. In a fit, Lillith looked around... and grabbed Christian by the arm, to drag his unconscious body away. "Well, if SHE's getting some, so am I!" "...and.. a... rather unusual win for Edge," JR said, not quite sure what to make of it. "I know he's popular with the ladies, but that's the fastest I've ever seen.. I mean..." "I figure either that guy will have his smile permanently screwed on by the night's end," Daisuke mused, "Or we'll find their dried out, soulless husks tossed in a dumpster the next morning." * Backstage, Lucas of WWF.COM was standing around, waiting to interview the demonesses. Given his measly 120 pound frame and tendency to be manhandled by wrestlers for asking snippy questions, and given the insane level of power these Ultra guys had, he had taken advantage of some of the sports equipment found in the King Dome. So, when he tried to ask a question and Lillith calmly blasted him fifty feet down the hall and into a water fountain, all the extra padding and armor and chest protectors kept him from cracking more than two ribs. Then she dragged Christian into the men's room for purposes we really don't want to know about. "Really? That's so interesting," Morrigan cooed, as she chatted Edge up (or was it the other way around?) and ignored her bratty sister. "So tell me, how do you feel about... candles?" A dark soul dropped from the ceiling, like a hellspawn raging through fire and brimstone. A gothic figure of power and rage and girth... "HAAAHH!!" Gangrel hissed, his fake looking pointy teeth showing. "Edge, you have had enough women! Now, my seductive gothic charms will take this lovely rose away from you! Give in to the temptations of the night, my sweet..." ...Morrigan just sort of looked at Gangrel funny, and then punted him down the hall, cracking another one of Lucas's ribs. "Drop a hundred pounds, lose the rubber fangs and try again, dear," she said, blowing him a kiss, before escorting Edge into a dressing room marked PRIVATE. Meanwhile, just as Edge was going.. down, as it were, someone was going into the dome. One lone man, with one lone tote bag, and one COOL pair of sunglasses. He dropped the bag, and stretched out. "Finally," he announced, "The Rock has come BACK TO ULTRA!" * [Commercial. Montage of people beating the hell out of each other in the squared circle.] MANLY ANNOUNCER: STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! THE UNDERTAKER! TRIPLE H! THE VIOLENT RAGE OF RIVALRY BURNS IN THESE FIGHTERS, AS THEY TEAR EACH OTHER APART THIS SUNDAY, AT FULLY LOADED! DON'T MISS THE MOST UNCONTROLLED, WILD AND PSYCHOTIC SHOW ON EARTH! BROUGHT TO YOU BY Starburst Fruit Chewies! In cherry, lime, grape and yummy new apple-cinnamon! Mmm mm, candy, it's a sugary sweet delightful bite in every delightful bite! Look at our cheerful day-glo colors and GET YOUR ASS READY FOR FULLY LOADED! THE TICKET PAYS FOR THE WHOLE SEAT BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE *EDGE*!!! * Daisuke STARED at his teleprompting monitor. "This can't be right, guys. No way..." "Believe it, folks!" Jim Ross announced. "We're going live and direct to our next match, which at the request of the challenger, is going to be an Ultra Omega style match!" The guest announcer grabbed the phone, and dialed 911. "By the time I get off hold, this will be over..." * A city. An empty city, true, but a city, with buildings that scrape the sky, and streets with cars. It had been evacuated for the fight, since this town was used to the sort of thing that was about to go down, and wanted no truck with it. All sane people had left. Hardcore Holly had not. The self proclaimed 'Big Shot', in his almost impressive six foot two frame stood his ground in the middle of the road, hands on hips, grinning for the cameras. "That's right! I'm a super heavyweight, and I'm going to get the respect I deserve from you guys by taking on these Ultra weirdos! This is MY challenge!" And his opponent... A square blast door snapped open in the road in front of him, guide rails shooting out of the ground. In a mad rush and a shaking of the earth, Evangelion Unit 02 was launched to the streets of Tokyo-3. Holly got into a grappling pose, despite being roughly forty feet below the gigantic Unit's arms. "Yeah! This is more like it! BRING IT ON!" * "...no way!" Asuka protested, from her entry plug. "This is stupid. I've already had one cheap gimmick match, I'm not going to have another! Someone of my importance shouldn't be wasting her time." Gendo's voice came over. "Sortie, Asuka. We need the money from sales of Eva-02 garage kits and that nudie hanafuda game we made. Your in-match promotion is the key." Asuka sighed. "Fine, fine. I'll just... NUDIE HANAFUDA GAME?!!" An awkward pause. "...you didn't get the company memo?" Asuka turned as red as her Eva unit. "You little (untranslatable German cursing)!!! I'll squish this loser and come back for you, Gendo! KYAAAA!!!" * Eva-02 crouched into attack position. "Yeah! That's it! Come on!" Holly shouted, grabbing a folding metal chair he had brought with him, holding it in a menacing, swinging position. "I can take you out in--" WHUMPH, as the Evangelion stepped on him. When the foot came up, there was a Holly-shaped crater in the pavement and a comedically unconscious wrestler there. Son Gokuu flashed into being. "The winner, Asuka Langley!" Asuka cracked her knuckles. "Now for that--" o/~ WEEEEELLLlll... o/~ A rumble echoed over the landscape. Asuka glanced back to her controls, as a looming shadow rose over the hills outside Tokyo-3... o/~ WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOWWWW... IT'S THE BIG MAN'S SHOW TONIGHT! o/~ And standing on the rise was the BIGGEST damn professional wrestler she'd ever seen. He roared, and held a meaty hand to the sky... He was a full head taller than her Eva unit. * At ringside, JR, Lawler and Daisuke found that they only had one common thing to say. "..." "..." "..." * Washuu munched on her popcorn. "Ah, the miracle of science." "Are you sure enlarging that guy was a good idea?" Gally asked, sitting crosslegged on the couch and watching TV nervously. "Gally, Gally. You have to realize something about science! It's not about what's a good idea, it's about what seems like a good idea at the time!" * "Missy!" Big Show bellowed, at bass tones that shook the earth and rattled windows for blocks around. "That little weenie happens to be my partner, and you're goin' DOWN. And that's the LAST WORD!" Asuka was panicking. "An angel? Here?!" Of course, it didn't LOOK like an angel... but get real, anything that large that moves under its own power is a problem, angel or not-- (pop) The five minute clock started running. "WHAT? No more power supply!?" Asuka gasped, in horror. "Well, we are a little under budget," Gendo replied over her radio. "I've done what I can by keeping my hands in front of my mouth, but--" Asuka snarled more German obscenities.. and watched as the 500 metric ton beast charged her. She got into a grappling position. "Five minutes. Okay..." The two collided so hard that windows shattered all along the street. It was now sheer muscle of a captured angel in metal skin versus the awesome power of The Genetically Enhanced Big Show. ...meanwhile, somewhere WAY farther down, Holly had somehow survived, and was busy rubbing his concussed little head, and prying himself out of the asphalt. "...the hell.. you think you are.." he wheezed.. looking skyward. "A-HA! You think you can fight someone else before you finish with me?!" he asked, getting his bent and twisted metal chair ready. "No no, little girl! I'm takin' you DOWN!" He swung the chair with incredible might at the little toe of Eva-02! Clang. Nothing happened. ...except that one very rare wire, which was due for replacing once Nerv got some more funding for all those defective Hiroshi clones they made so they could get paid for making more, snapped. *beep!* Asuka's power counter went from 4:36 to 0:00. Redline. She sweatdropped. Eva-02 went limp. And The Big Show growled, breaking out of the grapple... only to SLAP a meaty hand around 02's throat, haul the thing fifty feet into the air... ...and CHOKESLAM it directly through the ground, falling a long, long way down through the underground NERV headquarters, crashing through a domed ceiling and ending up in the shallow sea of LCL at Terminal Dogma. Son Gokuu showed up, a bit confused, but making the call regardless. "The winner of this.. impromptu Omega match, The Big Show!" Hardcore Holly pulled himself out of the wreckage, again surprisingly very alive, and looked up. The crucified angel Lilith stared back at him with seven eyes. "Hey, you're about my size! C'mon! Let's brawl!" he taunted, waving the single chair leg he had left around. Briefly, Lilith considered starting Third Impact out of sheer annoyance, but thought the better of it and resumed standing in silence. * Dead silence from the announcer's table, as everybody collected their marbles they had lost from the sight of that and got on with their lives. "...well... coming up, folks!" JR started, getting back into the swing of it. "We've got more of that Omega power house style fighting for you! The Mean Street Posse takes on Unlimited Desire, and we go live on scene to this amazing seven man fight!" "Bah! They'll never beat Shane, because Shane's too smart for 'em!" Lawler proclaimed. "He's got some plan, just wait and see?" "Hey, Jerry," Daisuke experimented. "What do you think of... Naga?" "P..PUPPIES! PUPPIES!!" "I thought so." * Meanwhile, backstage, The Rock was lacing up. He didn't know who he was supposed to fight, just that he had an emergency call a little while ago to show at the ring, and The Rock never turns down a challenge. Maybe Ranma? He'd been wanting a piece of that kid ever since finding out about his title reign. Nothing like hangin' a little gold over The Rock's fireplace... Of course, the gold belonged to Dan now, but The Rock would get to that rooty-poo candy ass after he got to Ranma. A knock on the door. "Who is it?" The Rock demanded. "No, never mind. It doesn't MATTER what your name is! What do you want? "It's me, Shingo!" a muffled voice called. "I want to help you get ready for the fight!" Hmm. Shingo. Oh, right. That kid. The Rock opened the door. "Surprise!" Yashiro said, swinging a metal folding chair and putting The Rock down like a stray dog. The Orochi, smaller in his David form, floated in after him, studying the handiwork. "This is the one? He seems to be nothing, McMahon." "Trust me," Vince McMahon said, sitting in his wheelchair, watching. "He'll do JUST fine." * A dimensional portal opened in a plain steel hallway, disgorging its contents... a scantily clad sorceress, a scrawny sorceress and a buff 'n bad sorcerer. "Alright! Unlimited Desire's first match!" Dark Schneider cheered, pounding a fist into his palm. "This is gonna be sweet." "I still say it's a dumb name," Lina grumbled. "I liked 'Lina and her Sidekicks', or 'Lina the Mighty and Two Other People, or'" "All those in favor of keeping the name Unlimited Desire?" Naga asked. "Aye." "Aye," Darshu said, raising a hand. "The ayes have it. Terribly sorry, Lina. OHOHHOOO HOHOHOHOHOOOHOOO!!!" "...whatever," Lina said, irritated at this new 'democratic' approach to group work. "Let's just go find those jerks. I still owe that Shane bandit leader twit for scalding me last time! And this time, we use the high energy magic RIGHT off the bat!" * Snap-SNAP. Shane pumped another round into his shotgun. The sign over the room he had picked out for their dropoff point read BLACK MESA ARMORY, and it meant business. So did he. "And this time, we use the high powered weapons RIGHT off the bat," he told his goons. "We ready? Armor?" "Check," Pete Gas said from somewhere inside the bulky layers of camouflaged kevlar and bulletproof metal shielding. "Maps of all secret tunnels and passages?" "Got 'em, boss," Rodney said, waving a rolled up paper. "Tactical nuclear warhead?" "Not a problem," Joey Abs said, lugging it under one arm while toting a rocket propelled grenade launcher under the other. Shane McMahon nodded. Satisfaction. "Let's go bust us some magic using ass, boys! Every day, someone's gotta pay!" They all knuckle-high-fived, except for Pete, who had a nuclear warhead dropped on his foot when Joey went for the Mean Street Salute. Soon, all four were off, towards various camping locations and hideouts. * "What the heck is this place?" Lina asked, poking at a security panel that was preventing her easy passage through a door. She blew it up instead with a well placed Flare Arrow. "It's like some abandoned military base..." "Lina, I wouldn't walk in there," Darshu warned. "It's a large open space and you'd lack any cover at all. I've waged a few wars, you know, you should trust me on this." "And remember what we said about working as a team," Naga reminded. "Oh, come ON! It's just Shane McMahon and some bandits!" Lina laughed, stepping into the room and then getting blown back into the hallway by a well placed rocket explosion. "Lina!" Darshu called, kneeling at her side. "You okay?" White eyes flaring through the soot stains on her face, Lina GLARED into the room. "...those guys are TOAST!" she declared, and burst right back in, magic a-flyin'. * Shane saw Lina reenter from his hidden sniping post, where he had been camping near some health kits. "GET HER! GET HER!" he called. And all kinds of miscellaneous ordinance went flying, energy blasts, rockets, grenades, hot lead, you name it. All four members of the Mean Street Posse tried to track targets as they came swooping into the air, hurling fire and lightning, and causing problems a plenty... Actually, Shane thought, aren't we sitting ducks up here? "FALL BACK! SPLIT! PLAN TWO!" he shouted, and swung himself neatly into an air conditioning duct, sliding down the slope he had found on the blueprints... kicking out a panel, and landing in a desert shrub just outside the Black Mesa compound. Safe. "Hel-Loo!" "Yaah!" Shane freaked, only to see Lina hovering about ten feet away. "Good spot! I can pick you off from afar this way," she said, firing up a spell, and flying backwards. "Darkness beyond twilight..." "Don't kill me! Please don't kill me!" Shane begged. "I can pay any amount!" "...really?" "Yes! I'm rich! I have a trust fund! We all do!" Lina paused in midair, thinking about it. "Tempting........ no. Revenge first, then I can just mug you and take your American Express Traveller's Checks! DARKNESSBEYONDTWILIGHTCRIMSONBLOODTHATFLOWS--" The young McMahon panicked. He quickly checked his blueprints, and... Yes! He whipped a concealed tarp off a nearby rock.. revealing a Patriot missile launcher. Grinning, he swung up into the seat, slapped on a helmet, and fired up the targeting computer... ...Lina had accelerated back. Wouldn't help to get caught in the blast. True, she'd flatten the facility, but it was just Naga and Darshu, so that was okay... "...DRAGON SLAAAVE!" The shot of purest red light flew from her hands, straight and true towards the weird contraption Shane was in... And was intercepted by a Patriot missile. The shock waves shook the sky, a visible ripple, as the two explosions canceled each other out. "...WHAT?!" Lina gaped. "Well.. we'll do it again, then! DRAGON SLAVE!" Like a Scud over Baghdad, so went that one. Cursing, not thinking clearly, she hurled another, and another, and... and couldn't hurl another. Vision going grey. Too much energy spent... she tried to at least keep Raywing up, to fly back down, but blacked out on part of the trip... * Meanwhile, Pete Gas and Rodney, clanking as they ran in overburdened armor, finally reached safe haven. "Experimental Weapons Lab!!" Pete announced, reading from his blueprint. "Find something with lots of blinking lights and whirly things and a trigger!" The two frantically searched the room for some heavy ammo launchin' salvation, right when Naga swooped into the room. "OOHOHOOHHOO! You silly boys. You can't hide from the White Serpent!" she declared, laughing into her hand. "Now is the time for you to be punished by Naga!" Pete Gas held up the large turbine-driven weapon, with a tiny tag reading 'SONIC RIFLE'. "Eat this, bitch!" he shouted, and pulled the trigger... The barrel whined and hummed to life, vibrating.. Naga just watched, confused... Then nothing happened. "Do it again!" Rodney practically begged. ...but then something DID happen. Humming and vibrating, a rumbling noise... but not from the gun. Naga looked down, surprised to find her breasts wobbling at high speeds. "Nanda...?" "AAAH! Her chest is amplifying the waves!" Rodney shouted. "It's gonna blow! RUN!" Shuddering a bit herself, as her two puppies started to vibrate at supersonic speeds, Naga braced herself for-- *BOOOOOOOOOOOM.* All the glass within a one mile radius shattered from the sonic boom. Pete and Rodney were flattened against the wall, knocked silly, out cold, out of the game. Naga, unharmed despite being at ground zero, felt surprisingly good. For some reason, she wanted a cigarette. * Elsewhere, Darshu had Joey Abs pinned. Dead end alley. All grenades used. All that Darshu had gotten was very signed and a little bloody, his shirt torn up. "...well, then..." he said, cracking his knuckles. "Is that the best you've got? You're young yet, you may have some regrets on departing this world, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do..." "Yeah, well.." Joey said, desperate to find SOMETHING he was better at than Dark Schneider. "...my PECS are bigger, man! Eat that!" "Oh, come on!" Darshu laughed, flexing his massive chest. "You think you can beat this?!" Joey tore off his sweater vest, and did his best to match up. "They don't call me Joey Abs for nothing! Take this! HO HAH!" He struck his best Johnny Bravo. (This is the fan service element for that other gender. Collect 'em all!) "You think you can beat me at that game?" Schneider asked, amused, assuming a few dramatic poses. "Follow me, if you can! Kick! Punch! It's all in the mind! If you wanna test me, I'm sure you'll find--" He was cut off by Lina's scream. "--hmm. I'd better go see about that," he decided, turning, kicking one foot backward and driving Joey Abs a foot into the steel wall, and walking off to investigate. * Naga and Darshu arrived (at high speed) at the lobby of the Black Mesa at the same time. Both were naked from the waist up, but for the censors, Naga had grabbed a camouflage jacket and pulled it on. True, it was a bit small, but any port in a storm. Shane was already waiting for them, and he had Lina at gunpoint. A struggling Lina, already severely weakened from her high attacks, but starting to get some strength back. "Let me go, you little weasly rat faced three toed smelly armpitted bastard!" Lina shouted. "Whoa, whoa! That's far enough," Shane said. "I know how crazy you guys are, but you make ONE MOVE and she gets it, got that?!" "Oooh, this looks serious," Naga said, not very serious. "Whatever will we do? Lina, why aren't you pasting this guy?" "...I ran out of juice," Lina grumblingly admitted. "That's right! I beat her! Who's the man? Who's the man?!" Shane said. "So! You've got no choice but to surrender and give me the victory!" "Okay," Darshu said. Son Gokuu phased in. "The winner by submission, the Mean Street Posse!" And phased out. "If you don't, I-- what?" "You win," Dark Schneider said. "What part of okay didn't you comprehend?" "I win?" Shane asked, dumbfounded. "Against you monsters? I WIN? YEAH! That's right! That's what you get when you mess with the McMahons!" He broke out immediately into a victory dance, letting go of Lina. "Who's your daddy, Lina Inverse? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" Lina cleared her throat, and adjusted her costume. Stepped clear. "Okay, guys, blast him." "...what?" Shane asked, watching as Darshu and Naga readied these really big, really bright, really painful looking balls 'o far. "But.. but I won! I--" "FIREBALL!" the two shouted. * "...I don't think we need to see more of that," JR said. "Don't worry, folks, Kasumi's promised nobody will be fatally injured tonight. Although, you know King, she didn't say anything about non-fatally injured." "Again! That crazy little kid cheated Shane out of his rightful victory AGAIN!" Lawler protested. "How can that Omega referee allow this sort of thing?" "But he won," Daisuke said. "Yeah, well.. well... it was still a cheap.. I mean..." "We've got plenty more action for you, folks!" JR continued. "Stay tuned!" * Look, it's Stone Cold Steve Austin, and he's... he's... WALKING! AAAAA!!!!! * In a smoke-filled back room, a deal was being struck. A deal of darkness. A deal for a hell of a lot of money. Vince sucked in his breath as he counted the zeroes involved. "Payment in advance, of course," the lawyer said. The three yes-men in black suits behind him nodded in consent. "...and you're sure your boy can bring home the bacon on this?" McMahon asked. "Stone Cold won't get out of this one walking upright?" All eyes turned to the other figure in the deal. He raised his sunglasses, smiled quirkily, and nodded in silent agreement. "Sold!" Vince agreed. * The fans at ringside were PSYKED. Or psyched. Or siked. However it goes. Because while the last two brawls had been outside the arena, the final two would be HERE, right in front of them, history in action. The signs were out in force. One particularly large one read 'The kid behind me can't see!'. "I gotta remind you folks," JR said, "We still don't know who will be tying it up with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Stone Cold Dan Hibiki tonight. And what's more, we don't know why Vince McMahon has booked Triple H against Ultra's Ranma Saotome in our next bout..." "Well, it's clear to me, JR!" Lawler said with an air of wisdom. "Ranma's a loser! He lost his belt to a GIRL, and then that girl lost it to DAN! What better to do than to add injury to insult? And nobody does that better than Triple H!" "You guys don't know Ranma very well," Daisuke warned. "If you make him mad, he gets even WORSE... and I don't mean worse in terms of skill--" Ranma was glowing red, a steady anger aura as he stood in the center of the ring and waited. Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas stood around as well, but he was union and was being paid by the hour, which was okay with him. "--and making Ranma WAIT is even worse," Daisuke said. "Of course, he waited for days when he was going to fight Ryouga without moving an inch. Didn't even go to the bathroom. That's determination." "That may be, but Triple H is a force to be reckoned with," JR said, in almost awe. "That young athlete is scintillating!" "...'scintillating?'" Daisuke asked. But before he could get an answer, out went the lights, up went the cheap Rage Against the Machine wanna-be music, and out came the challenger. Triple H paused at the ramp, flanked by Chyna (wearing a tasteful amount of black leather and metal studs today) as he sized up the competition. Just a boy. But those eyes... He recognized them. The same thing he saw shaving every day. An aggressive need to WIN, to be the best. Hunter Hearst Helmsley didn't grin or chuckle, he just gave Ranma a nod, and walked down the ring, pulling himself up and over the ropes. Staring him down. Of course, Hunter's idea of winning was a little different from Ranma's. Hunter liked to win. He didn't care how. "I heard you lost your belt to Dan," Hunter opened with. "Shut up and fight," Ranma offered. So Hunter did exactly that, following through with a hard right hand. Ranma stepped out the of way. Frowning, Hunter pursued... But the difference between a wrestler and a martial artist is that a martial artist knows exactly 457 different ways to punch you and to avoid being punched. All a wrestler knows is right, right, right, right, grapple, throw, repeat. "Hunter off to a bad start, as Ranma almost.. PLAYS with him," Ross announced. "Avoiding attack after attack." HHH stepped back, frowning. "Coward," he spat. "Come on. Let's DO this." Ranma obliged, this time, rushing. But Triple H had him up in a grab right away, with speed -- grappling was his strong suit, and Ranma went up in the air, and landed right on his back, bouncing twice... The ref stood by, watching the fight and getting ready for the 1-2-3 wrestling style pin, which is why he never saw the chair that cleaned his clock. Grinning evilly, Chyna tossed the chair away, and climbed into the ring... Ranma looked back and forth. He wasn't impressed. But wasn't liking the odds... especially since he didn't HIT girls... Chyna, however, had no problem hitting guys. Which she did, while Ranma was frozen in a temporary state of moral panic. She shoved him backwards, into Triple H's awaiting grab, who suplexed him immediately. "This is practically a legal mugging!" JR catchphrased. "Somebody's gotta DO something!" Stunned momentarily, Ranma got dragged off the ground, as Chyna got out some brass knuckles, to finish it off... Her hand held back. She turned to look, and there was Shampoo. "Shampoo hit girls just fine," she explained, before doing so. "Holy cow, there's.. a purple-headed girl with pupp--" "Kittens," Daisuke corrected. "Just trust me on that." "--kittens out to HERE brawling with Chyna while Ranma..." ...sneaks up behind Triple H, who was trying to aid Chyna, and then it's a four person brawl, and so on and so forth... chaos in the ring, lots of throws and punches exchanged. The ref was still out, but just about to come to, and instantly disqualify all these people... Water blasted in from ringside, hosing down the four. A small purple cat nya'ed! in surprise, landing on the mat -- Ranma's hair shifted from black to red in an instant, as she turned to see who did it... A security guard looking guy with a fire hose grinned right back at Ranma. "It's the Big Bossman!" JR shouted. "We've got ANOTHER assist from the Corporate Ministry on our hands, and--" ...and then the thundering herd of Takahashis ran out to help (Ryouga, Tofu, Mousse, Ukyou, and even Konatsu who happened to be in the neighborhood), and then the rest of the Ministry (Mideon, Viscera, Acolytes, and so on), and then a few folks who were backstage came out to get into the brawl just for kicks (Sakura, Johnny Cage, the Hardy Boys, and many other cameos who will go nameless), and eventually the entire ring was shifting a few feet to the right and to the left as the rumble inside took on epic proportions. Somewhere atop the ring contained mess, a beach ball was being passed around and in the middle a hot dog vendor was wandering around offering food to the combatants. Just another day in the WWF. Daisuke just.. stared. "And they call OUR league crazy..." Finally, in the mess, the referee woke up.. and was surprised to see everybody there. He immediately motioned for the bell, because the alert and responsible official he was CLEARLY would react the instant anything illegal happened, but-- Triple H grabbed his hand to stop the bell-ringing motion, yanked Ranma-chan out of the fray, and explained. "Sorry, ref, but Ranma ran away," he said. "I beat his ass down while you were out, and he submitted and fled. We're having a little party to celebrate. And besides... do you see him in this ring?" "HEY!" Ranma-chan protested, shaking loose of Triple H's grip. "You little sneak, I'M Ranma Saotome and you know it!" Referee "Blind" Jim Korderas focused on the young girl. "...you're a girl, not Ranma." And he motioned for the bell. "*The winner by ring countout... TRIPLE H!*" Hunter Hearst Helmsley shrugged, and patted Ranma on her cute little head. "Hey, kid, sorry, but that's how it goes. I win, you lose--" Ranma, of course, immediately opened a large can of whoopass out of sheer anger -- and was blocked by Chyna, and tossed back into the fray of wrestling stars and martial artists while Triple H vaulted out of the ring and snuck his bad self out of there. The fray continued for a minute... until 90% of the people involved were knocked over the top rope of the ring, pushed back by Ranma's battle aura. "...HUNTER!" the young shouted, before hurling herself over the ring, spinning in midair and hitting the ground running. "You're not getting away from me that easily!!" * Triple H strolled casually. Then he looked behind himself. Then he started to run. Fortunately, he knew the building better than Ranma, and made for the nearest exit, twisting two corners to confuse and slow down the girl. He kicked the door open, and made for the parking lot. "Where were you?" Chyna asked, already having the car warmed up. "Time to bail," Hunter said, swinging into the passenger side. "Looks like the brat's annoyed. Go. Go!" * "...as Hunter makes his way from the Dome, it looks like this fight is going to have to stand as is," JR decided. "I'm not worried," Daisuke said, cooly. "Ranma loses, true. But he never loses TWICE. I'm sure we'll be seeing those two again." "But for now, it's the MAIN EVENT time!" JR announced. "We'll be back right after this!" * [Commercial. A thronelike seat on a space station the size of a moon. A man in a black robe with face-shadowing hood speaks.] DARTH SIDIOUS: Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do. That's why I've started the Sith Correspondence School. Learn how to be a dark warrior with fear as your ally in just six weeks, from the comfort and privacy of your own home where those Jedi weenies can't cut you in half. [Titles display.] DARTH SIDIOUS: You can study in any of these fields : Menacing silence, lightsaber fighting, advanced lightsaber fighting, absolute badass lightsaber fighting, face painting, or get your degree. You can major in the absolute purity of evil, or accounting. Join now. Operators are-- [Jar-Jar Binks wanders by, and accidentally knocks Darth's hood off his face, revealing Eric Bischoff, of WCW.] JAR-JAR: Mee so sorry! Hey... that you? No wonder Darth Maul jobbed to Obi-Wan! It make sense now to meesa! [Eric, in a fury, cuts Jar-Jar into six separate pieces, which flop meatily to the ground at various angles.] DARTH BISCOFF: ...so sign up for the Sith Correspondence School now, before I'm forced to bring back Master P and make David Flair win the world title against all common sense and dramatic law! * And once the TV went back to Raw Is Ultra, most sets exploded. The sound was getting that loud, from the excitement; both Stone Colds, and mystery challengers! Who could ask for anything more? That's all you NEED in life, baby! "We have filled our commercial obligations, folks, and we are LIVE and ready for the main event!" JR shouted, as he tended to ramp his voice up in excitement on a logarithmic scale over the course of a show. "WHO WILL BE the challengers? WHO WILL BE victorious?" "WHO WILL BE getting royalty checks for this entire fiasco?" Daisuke asked. "Not me, that's for sure. But at least I don't need hazard pay. After all, this is just the WWF, not Ultra. No super powered maniacs here." There was a low, ominous note of forewarning. Lawler whimpered. "...I've got to learn not to say things like that," Daisuke said. "I'm staying under the desk for the duration. Excuse me." Then came the sound of broken glass, so it was time to smoke some gr-- err, kick some ass. Stone Cold Steve Austin's music pounded out of every speaker, but two notes in, it was inaudible over the cheering, the stomping and hooting for all the 3:16ites that had packed the arena. The noise also dwarfed... the bouncy little ding-a-long song his chosen vehicle was playing. "...what is that?" JR asked, squinting. "It looks like... an ice cream truck?" Sure enough, a large ice cream truck was slowly rolling down the entrance ramp. Colorfully decorated, with cute decals of bunnies and duckies and flowers and candy, and with little bells that went ring a ding ding! (And a huge flaming clown head bobbling on a spring up top, but that was the only odd part.) "That doesn't seem manly enough for Stone Cold," JR said. "Could it be..." And the driver leaned out of his window, taunting the crowd with his mighty forearm. "OOSHA!!" Dan shouted, flipping out of the truck and landing deftly on his ass on the roof. Only to spring back up to his feet, and taunt everybody! "I, STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI, HAVE ARRIVED! With the fury of my intense warrior's spirit and the ice cold treats by Hagen-Daaz(tm) as a symbolic interpretation of my chilling effect on my opponent, I am ready to do battle! Yeah! Yeah, boy! Bring it on!!" Out of the passenger side of the ice cream truck came his partner, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Looking mighty pissed off. Of course, he always looked pissed off about something, but how this pink wad of monkey crap had talked him into THIS entrance, he'd never know. He tried to ignore the colorful vehicle behind him as he posed for the fans, and cracked open a pre-match beer. After a hearty slug (a quaffing only a viking warrior could appreciate), he continued his mike work. "So, sounds like Vince's got some new crazy plan goin' to try to wear my ass down before Fully Loaded. Well, whatever; Stone Cold's used to that sort of crap from him, and he's got two words for ya -- and they ain't those OTHER two words. Stone Cold Steve Austin losing on Raw is Ultra? NU-UH, NOT HAPPENING!" As the fans cheered, Lawler parsed grammar. "Isn't that more than two words?" "Do you want to go up there and tell him that?" Daisuke asked, muffled slightly by the desk. Before he could continue warming up the crowd and talking smack about the McMahons, his hard driving, guitar wailing rock anthem was replaced by... a hard driving, guitar wailing rock anthem. Although this one was a cut from Metallica's 'Ride the Lightning'... "AND THEIR OPPONENT," the WWF disembodied voice announcer started, "WEIGHING IN AT TWENTY THREE POUNDS... PIK-ACHUUUU!" And down came an entire crack squadron of personal bodyguards, in black suits with wire-earpieces and sunglasses, keeping an eye out as they flanked the little yellow Pokemon. Pikachu completely ignored the Stone Cold duo, waving to his fans, and letting the light play off his $500 Ray Ban sunglasses JUST so. "...the hell is that thing?" Austin asked, confused. "That's what we're gonna be wrestling tonight?" Dan joined him, jumping from the roof of the truck onto his head (only to pop back to his feet moments after). "Don't let looks deceive you, Austin-san!" Dan warned ominously. "The mouse is NOT to be trusted!" "Hell, son, I wasn't worried about trusting it. I was just wondering how far I could punt that thing," he replied, cracking a few knuckles, and advancing on the ring. "This is gonna be a piece of--" *DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'?!* And the lights went out. Daisuke peeked up from his hiding spot. "Huh? Did some flunky mix up The Rock and The Undertaker's entrance gimmicks or something?" Creepy, organ-swelling music of doom started to play. Fans got out cigarette lighters. And as the house lights slowly rose, a black mist was forming in the center of the ring, pouring from nowhere... like reverse-filmed footage of oil going down a drain, a play of non-light that made your eyes hurt to look too hard at it... And eventually, it formed the shape and texture of a man. A large man. With very expensive sunglasses. He gestured to the Stone Colds, as Pikachu stood by his side... no microphone needed. His voice was just amplified by the power of his words. "The Rock is gonna lay the [SMACK DOWN] on your candy ass!" he declared. Daisuke swallowed hard. "Oh, no. Don't tell me. Don't tell me that--" "Excuse me," the Orochi said, wheeling Vince McMahon along with him. "But we'll be sitting with you to watch the event. Move or perish." * Back in the ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin was not panicking. He wasn't the sort to let.. well, anything worry him. But he wasn't liking this at all. "Austin.. The Rock [hates] you!" The Rock declared. "So, the most [ELECTRIFYING] pair in sports entertainment today, The Rock and Pikachu, are gonna turn their [evil] horns--" "Pika," Pikachu noted, waggling his ears. "--and ears sideways, and jam them RIGHT up your rooty-poo--" Austin decided that was enough taunting, and he sprung like a coiled rattlesnake, tackling The Rock and delivering a series of hard right hand punches. Dan squared off against Pikachu, his warrior's spirit rising like a balloon half-filled with helium. "So! I will destroy you, foul rodent, while my partner and comrade in arms--" "PIKA!" Pikachu shouted, deciding that was enough taunting as well. Yellow crackling power snapped into sharp focus, surrounding Pikachu in an aura of electric sparks -- and lashing out, to fry Dan. All of Dan's hairs stood on end simultaneously. All of them. * "That little rat is electric?!" Lawler panicked. "And what is going on with The Rock?" "He has been infused," the Orochi explained. "Vince McMahon requested my aid, in return for a favor. I have provided The Rock with the hatred he requires to destroy Stone Cold Steve Austin once and for all. Not a true harbringer--" "What, he distributes 'har'?" Daisuke asked. "--but he will do for one evening," the Orochi finished, glaring at Daisuke until the young boy resumed hiding under the desk. "This is beautiful!" Vince applauded, watching Dan get tossed around the ring like a Koosh ball, smoldering slightly from the discharges. "Absolutely beautiful. Mark my words, Austin's gonna BLEED tonight!" * Austin wasn't bleeding, but he was getting the stuffing kicked out of him. The Rock had thrown him off. THROWN. Completely. Out of the ring. He sprawled back to his feet, ready and waiting, only to find The Rock had teleported right behind him, and was laying the unholy smack down like it was going out of style. With a final kick that would make an Eva jealous, The Rock punted Austin across and into a barricade on the other side of the outer-ring area. Austin held his bruised side, coughing. "..figures you'd have to get Ballsy Bub there to juice you up so you could take me," he spat. "Your little bull horns ain't enough, eh?" "Know your role, [JABRONI]," the Rock declared. "My evil intent has awakened. And this time, you're not gonna stop me." Austin got back to his feet. "This the best you got, then? I've had worse. I--" "I SAID I was the most electrifying man in sports entertainment," Rock reminded, raising his hands. "Now, taste my [hate]!" Black lightning shot out of The Rock's hands better than Darth Bischoff could have managed, knocking Austin three rows back into the audience like he once did to D'lo in a 1-800- COLLECT commercial. * Back in the ring, Dan was also getting zapped. But there was a difference. Dan was still on his feet. His outfit was a singed pink. His hair was still crackling. He was probably bleeding internally. But he refused to get knocked off his feet. "...never!" he declared, shaking a forearm at Pikachu. "You can fry me a thousand times, but you can never defeat the soul of a warrior!" Pikachu, who was just doing it for the Benjamins and didn't care about Warrior's spirit, just cut loose with more electricity. But Dan didn't stand there and absorb it; he dove under the ropes, letting the power shunt into the turnbuckle, a natural lightning rod. The Pokemon wasn't pleased. He scampered out of the ring, following the fleeing Shotokan wannabe, back up the entrance ramp. Where did the silly human think he was running? Humans were so dumb, just like Ash. Pokemon were the best! Dan scrabbled into the ice cream truck he had parked, just as Pikachu built up a lightning charge that would have sent Marty McFly back to the future, and cut loose... Doing nothing, as the truck's rubber tires insulated it perfectly. "Pika?" Pikachu asked, confused -- right when a secret hatch on the top of the truck snapped open, and Dan rose, wearing a pink snow parka, and toting a fire hose. "Taste my STONE COLD fury, Pokemon!" he shouted.. and unleashed a stream of Frozen Vanilla Fudge Surprise. * At ringside, things weren't going good. But Austin wouldn't admit defeat. He knew the meaning of the damn word, he wasn't stupid, but he never bothered to apply it to himself. But this was an out-match. Every time he tried to corner The Rock, get around him, get a good grip so he could go for the stunner, he'd get blasted, or The Rock would teleport, or some cheap trick like that. He considered going after that bastard McMahon or the Orochi, who were gloating nearby, but opportunity never arose... A distraction. A young boy vaulted out of the audience, right in front of The Rock, right when the Riot of the Blood Brahma Bull was about to do some damage. "Rock, no!" Shingo Yabuki pleaded. "This isn't you, Rock- san! You're the People's Champ, and a hero to all boys and girls!" "Get out of the way, [jabroni]," Rock warned, crackling with the power... And came face to face with... himself. "Look!" Shingo said, holding up a mirror. "The one thing that no evil power could ever wash away, Rock-san... YOUR EYEBROW!" The Black Rock paused. He raised his eyebrow. It felt... good. So he did it again... and again. The dark taint on his soul started a full fledged war, trying to maintain grip, but it was meeting the most irresistible force in the universe... The Ego of The Rock. The battle was lost shortly, and the black aura around his body piffled out. "...I AM THE PEOPLE'S CHAMP!" The Rock declared. Then immediately looked over at the announcer's table. "And YOU... rooty... poo... are gonna check into the SMACKDOWN HOTEL!" Rock vaulted into the ring, making a shortcut for the table. He was only beaten there by Stone Cold Steve Austin, who was JUST as eager to mix it up... Vince panicked. "Orochi! Do something! They're coming!!" "My deal was only to empower that man. Save your own miserable existence," the Orochi calmly said, winking out of existence. I'm fucked, Vince thought, a split second before being yanked out of his chair. * Pikachu popped his head out from the 'snowdrift', angrier than ever. "P-P-Pika! *ACHU!*" he sneezed, and tried to work up some more sparks, something to trash Dan once and for all... but ice cream is wet, and he had shorted out. Dan jumped down to the floor, and landed on his feet this time. A pink aura of sheer determination surrounded him, determination no money could buy. One kick to get Pikachu in the air, and then... "CERTAIN! VICTORY! RELYING! ON! NOBODY! BUT! MYSELF! FIST!!" Pikachu, with adorable little X's in his eyes, went "Piiiiika.." as he sailed gracefully into Section 23, Row 8, Seat XVII. A lucky little boy proudly held up the unconscious pokemon. "Alright, I caught a Pikachu!" Dan dusted off his hands, proud of himself. "Once more, I, Dan, champion of Ultra, am victorious!" He posed, to the crowd's eternal delight. Stone Cold Steve Austin wandered up, with The Rock at one side, and with the highly battered form of Vince slung over a shoulder. "You done already?" Austin asked. "Yosh! Of course! We are victorious!" Dan declared. "I got an idea," The Rock said. "Let's--" A couple thousand eyes turned on The Rock. Who sweatdropped, embarrassed. "...or rather, THE ROCK has got an idea," he corrected. "C'mon. Backstage." Back at the announcer's table, Daisuke was finally coming up for air. "It's over? No more psychotics with super powers running around?" "It's over, folks!" Jerry Lawler declared! "And poor Vince McMahon gets screwed again! I'm Lawler, this is JR, good fight, good night!" "And not a scratch on me!" Daisuke said, relieved, right before The Undertaker crashed down from his low earthbound orbit right through the announcer's table. * Backstage, folks were chuckling and snapping photos. Various wrestlers, highly amused, immediately went off to log onto eBay and see what they could get for the shots. "This ISN'T FUNNY! All of you are getting your pay docked!!" Vince shouted, trying to shake free from being tied to the stage rigging. "You can't do this to me! I'm VINCE MCMAHON!" Vince, who was wearing a bright pink "I'm a Dan Fan!" shirt. * ][ ULTRA vs. WWF RESULTS RECAP: (no scores changed) ][ ][ EDGE/CHRISTIAN def. MORRIGAN/LILLITH ][ NEMESIS SERENDIPITY VILLYN def. THE UNDERTAKER ][ ASUKA LANGLEY def. HARDCORE HOLLY ][ THE BIG SHOW def. ASUKA LANGLEY ][ THE MEAN STREET POSSE def. UNLIMITED DESIRE ][ TRIPLE H def. RANMA SAOTOME ][ STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN/STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI def. RIOT OF THE BLOOD ROCKY MIAVA/PIKACHU Kasumi sat back, her work finally finished. She had missed the show, unfortunately, but that was okay. Her custom omniscience let her watch recaps on the fly. Oh, poor McMahon-san. He'd be VERY angry now. But that was okay. Because this fun inter-federation rivalry wasn't going to be over for awhile. Not for a long, long while... TO BE CONTINUED