The crowd roared. Of course, they roared six hours from now,
and the use of the past tense is highly questionable. Ultra was
not, in fact, on the air, and everybody was only slightly busy
getting ready. There was still time.

     Time to make this the most controversial Ultra ever.

     Time, lovely time to prepare, the figure with sharp red hair
giggled to himself. Very much so. Already, he had turned Dan into
the Unpleasant One, he had pissed off Ranma Saotome and he had
indirectly demoralized Shinji -- only to REmoralize him in his
own image. Life was just too sweet. It wasn't so much that he was
trying to be evil -- evil was too predictable. No, he just wanted
to amplify the natural level of confusion and controversy around
here. And such wonderful folks to do it through!

     What next, who next. Orochi? Naw, he was too serious, a
crimp in the style. Pantyhose Tarou? Reportedly he wasn't going
to be around the dome for this episode, apparently off to do
those better things he had to do. Maybe that delightfully strange
Toguro Ani person? A freak of unbounded proportions! He'd have to
steal the little steel trap Wasyuu used, of course. If--

     A soft white light formed before him, and quickly took the
shape of the Lord.

     "Hello," she said, smiling just so as she always does. "I
see you're enjoying yourself."

     The figure blinked in surprise. "Well, looky here! My
benefactor. You know, I've got to thank you. I've been having a
righteous ball here, mucho gracias, and--"

     "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I must ask you to be less messy,"
Kasumi said, in tones that almost bordered somewhere near the
fine line between gentle and strict. "Your actions are causing
people stress and harm. You helped cause Shinji to lose his
title. And--"

     "And what are you gonna do?" the man asked. "Sure, you're
god here. I suppose you could smite me -- you brought me into
this world, after all. But that's not your style. Me, if I was in
your place, I'd do worse than smite, but that's just me. I'm the
wind of chaos. I'm the harbinger of weirdness. And if you want to
stop me from having some fun with your little federation, you'll
have to do something more than say 'please', Kasumi-chan. So tell
me. What are you gonna DO about it?"

     There was no response. Kasumi simply faded away to the
light... perhaps with a bit of a smile on her face.

     "...hmm," the figure hmmed, slightly concerned. But it
passed. He pulled a little yellow duck out of his pocket, and
talked to it. "That was boring. I think it's time to go have some
fun, eh, Mr. Duck?"

     With a gleeful giggle, he skipped his way down to the mess
hall, where a fairly disgruntled Sofia was sitting around eating
bagels. Boy, did he have a hum dinger of an idea to give HER... 

***

     Asuka lay on her mat and stared at the ceiling. She was
bored, angry, and depressed, her three least favorite moods. It
had been a week since Shinji's mysterious personality switch, and
she was the only girl he hadn't hit on it that time. God, he'd
pinched Maya's ass!  Right in front of everyone! It was
disgusting!

     He was probably with Rei again. He'd asked her out every
time this week, and being the stupid doll that she was, she'd
just gone along with it.

     It infuriated her. That pervert! He was probably hiding his
true self all along, just waiting to embarrass and humiliate
Asuka. Jerk!  Rei was probably in on it as well. Both of them
laughing at her behind her back.

     Her door slid open silently, and Shinji entered. He was
wearing a towel, a big smug grin, and nothing else.

     Asuka's reaction was understandable, at least in her
opinion.

     "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! PERVERT!!!!!!!! RAAAAAPPPEEEEE!!!!"

     Shinji leaned against the door frame. "I'm not going to do
anything to you...unless you want me to, that is."

     She got up, walked over, and slapped him. He moved with the
blow and showed even more of his teeth. "Like a bit of rough, do
you?"

     Asuka turned red. She'd tried dealing with this new Shinji
before, and it had always backfired on her. It just made her more
frustrated.

     "I'm surprised you're here. I would have thought you'd
barely had time to talk to me, considering all the time you and
Wonder girl have been spending together."

     He nodded. "I have to admit, it's hard to keep my hands off
of Rei. She's got that certain something, you know?"

     Asuka stared with her mouth open, amazed at his audacity.

     He pushed himself off the door and walked towards her. "But
of course, you and I both know why I was seeing her."
     She was backed into the corner now, and was starting to get
scared.  It's not as if Shinji was particularly imposing. She
could beat him within an inch of his life any time she wanted.

     However, with him this close, she found herself noticing how
good he smelled. It reminded her of Kaji. She drove that thought
out of her mind. Shinji and Kaji were nothing alike. Well...the
old Shinji.

     He smiled at her, and this time her face was red from a
blush rather than anger. "You know why I went out with Rei all
those times, right? And kissed her?"

     She started to comment, but he held up a hand, and it died
on her throat.

     "It was for you. To make you jealous. You are jealous,
right?"

     That got her talking. "What! Jealous! Ha! As if I would be
jealous of a pervert like you going out with that stupid -- "

     He'd touched her arm. She should have hit him. She really
should have. But instead she simply stood there, breathing
heavily from her outburst, and started at his grin. *It's nothing
like Kaji's,* she reminded herself. *Nothing at all.*

     His face was even closer now, and she could almost imagine
him...

     "Are you jealous, Asuka? Of the face that I kissed Rei?" She
could feel his breath on her face now.

     "No..." she murmured, but there was no feeling in it
anymore.

     The grin vanished, to be replaced by an earnest, smoky stare
that was even more arresting. "Would you like me to kiss you?"

     She couldn't breathe. She wanted to take a breath but her
body wouldn't listen to her.

     "We've kissed before," he reminded her. "But that wasn't
really a good kiss. We can call this our first kiss. It would be
more romantic, don't you think?"

     "Ng." Her throat felt constricted. She was sure she would
burst into flames at any moment. He smiled again, and bent
towards her lips...

     And then stopped, pulling back. "If I win."

     Asuka was so caught up in the moment that it took her a few
seconds to realize he hadn't kissed her. "Wh-what?"

     "I'm challenging an Omega fighter today, so that I can
challenge Sephiroth and get back the title. If I win today, will
you kiss me?"

     This was wrong. This wasn't Shinji. Shinji was a spineless
wimp.  She should hit him. That's always worked before. Go with
what you know.

     "...yes. I will."

     He took her hands, and lightly pressed his lips to it. 
"Incentive." And with that, he turned and walked out of the
room...but not before pulling the towel away from his body.

     Asuka's eyes bugged out of her face. She had to hold onto
the wall to avoid falling over.

     "I said I'd kiss him if he won," she murmured. "What was
I... My God, I..."

     She lay back down on the bed, and stared at the ceiling
again. At least she didn't have to deal with boredom, anger, and
depression anymore. 

***

                         LIVE!
                    FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                 THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
                 IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
                 SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
                    AND IMPROFANFIC!
                     IT'S TIME FOR...

          {     M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R    }
          {   F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N  }
          {               .-----------.            }
          {               | U-L-T-R-A |            }
          {               `-----------'            }
          { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }

           Episode 8 : Monday Night Controversy!
      Tag-Team Written by Sean Gaffney and Stefan Gagne


***

     NOW the crowd roared. It was monday night, and time for
another dose of Ultra, and they were ready; the whole thundering
sign waving foot stomping favorite cheering fan flock of fighting
otaku were in the house, and almost as excited as Hiroshi.

     Hiroshi was especially vibrant today, mostly because he was
vibrating. His level of intensity was threatening to get loose
and start hurting people.

     "You okay?" Daisuke asked, cupping a hand over the tabletop
mike to silence it.

     "I'mGREAT!" Hiroshi shouted. He pulled Daisuke's hand away.
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ULTRA! We've got a few really
good matches for you tonight, and they'll be ready to go shortly.
Also, we'll be introducing you to more of the UltraRage ALPHA
Invitational Tournament participants, all tonight, all for YOUR
enjoyment!"

     "I think Tarou's right. Why are these people competing to
get in when they could have just asked--"

     "BEHOLD!" Hiroshi interrupted his partner. "We introduce you
now to the second competitor. In the words of a famous manga
artist, he's 'one well built brother', and he'll be bringing his
own action hero nigh invulnerable badass brawling self to
UltraRage in a little over three week's time! Please welc--"

     An engine roared.

     Through the curtains came a red blur, knocking two of the
structural supports for the TitanTron(tm) aside, causing an
incredible amount of damage. The blur, a really sweet looking
customized sports car, wheeled down the ramp and plowed directly
into the ring, knocking it askew when the car finally came to a
halt.

     THEN the two cop cars that were chasing it smashed into the
debris. One span out and knocked over a rack of speakers. The
other simply tumbled end over end, to come to a crashing halt
just a few feet from the sports car, on its roof. A siren gave a
sickly wail and died.

     (Of course, nobody was hurt, because this was Kasumi's show
and she'd have no truck with that sort of thing.)

     "You can come up for air, Hiroshi, the disaster is over,"
Daisuke said, since he had calmly remained in his seat the whole
time. "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Mr. Bean Bandit of
Chicago, Illinois."

     The driver of the sporty red automobile opened his door and
calmly walked out... besplendid in cool looking kevlar laced
leather jacket and nifty red headband. He grinned his lantern jaw
and gave a boyish V-sign salute. "Hello! I'm glad I could make
it! You've got no idea how hard it is to drive over the
Pacific--"

     "ROADBUSTER!!"

     A wild-eyed police detective crawled out from the smoking
wreckage of the unfortunate patrol vehicle. Veins popped out in
his forehead, as he whipped out a pair of handcuffs, and stomped
towards Bean... who remained cool and calm.

     "I've FINALLY got you!" the cop proclaimed. He flashed his
badge. "I, Percy of the Chicago PD, hereby put you under arrest
for CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY--"

     A gentle chime sounded, and Kasumi appeared between the two.
She must have been busy tidying backstage, as she still held a
broom and dustpan.

     "Oh, I'm sorry, Percy-san. Didn't your department inform
you?" she stated, smooth as silk.

     "Who're you?!" the cop proclaimed. "Out of the way,
civilian! This is police--"

     "I'm pardoned, Percy my man!" Bean cheered from behind
Kasumi. "God herself has given me a clean slate in return for
taking part in her little shindig over here in Japan. Sucks to be
you, don't it?"

     Percy paused. "...what?"

     "It's true," Kasumi said. "He's such a nice young man,
despite a few little problems with traffic codes. And such
potential! I'm afraid I can't let you arrest him. Here, I have
all the paperwork related to his pardon in triplicate signed by
the President of the United States and notarized by the Mayor of
Chicago."

     She took a thick envelope from her apron pocket, and handed
it over. Percy's eyes threatened to implode from his sheer blood
pressure as he snatched it. "This isn't over, Roadbuster," he
snarled. "Not by a LONGSHOT!"

     Bean turned to the audience, grabbing an offered mike.
"Everybody who thinks Percy needs a career change to something
less stressful, give me a HELL YEAH!"

     The audience gave him the requisite hell yeah.

     "That's more like it! I've got some courier jobs to run
around Tokyo now, so I gotta motor. I'm Bean Bandit, and I'll see
you again at UltraRage!"

     Cheers went up from the crowd as Bean swung himself back
into the car, turned the engine over and roared it a few times
just for kicks... then shot back up the ramp, knocking the patrol
cars aside and almost flattening the retreating percy on his way
out of the UltraDome.

     "He's got a way with the crowd, doesn't he?" Daisuke pointed
out. "Well, we'll get the This Old Dojo repair crews who normally
rebuild the Saotome home after things like this happen to clean
up, and we'll be back shortly." 

***

[Commercial. We cut to a green field, on a perfect sky-blue day.
Temperature 80 degrees, col breeze. It's the ultimate summer
picnic weather. We slowly pan over to a familiar face, grinning,
at peace with himself, and carrying a red can.]

TAROU: I'd like to teach the world to sing
      In perfect harmony

[RANMA comes up next to him, also carrying a red can. He puts his
hand on Tarou's shoulder and smiles.]

RANMA: I'd like to buy the world a Coke
      And keep it company
TAROU AND RANMA: That's the song I hear

[We pan back, too see more of the ULTRA fighters. SAKURA and
SOFIA are leaning on each other's shoulder, enjoying the sun.
GAMBIT and WOLVERINE sharing a Coke can between themselves. It's
the picture of happiness and tranquility.]

ALL: I'd like to teach the world to sing
     In perfect harmony

[We pan back even further, seeing DAN up at the top of a nearby
tree, sobbing happily and drinking a Coke.]

ALL: I'd like to buy the world a Coke
     And keep it company

[We then see KASUMI, smiling as she opens a can of Coke. She
reaches  into her dress briefly and produces some crystals, which
she sprinkles into the can, before handing it to a belligerent
IORI.]

[Voiceover: Need to have your party go well? Try
methylenedioxymethamphetamines. Guaranteed to pacify even the
most troublesome guests.]

KASUMI grins, and winks.

***

     Upon emerging relatively unscathed from commercial, the few
remaining workmen scrambled, revealing the freshly reconstituted
arena. It was time to get on with the show.

     The wacky country alternative rock strains of Devo ripped
through the octophonic speakers... the crowd failing to go wild.
Sofia ignored them, marching her way down the ramp to the ring,
heels of her lace-up boots clacking on the ground as she went.. a
determined look on her face.

     "Apparently, this match was requested specifically by Sofia
AND Johnny Cage," Daisuke noted. "Determined to gain at least one
win so they can escape the fate of being in the Biggest Loser in
Ultra final showdown at UltraRage. Dan may have as many losses as
they do, but he can at least claim he won one -- against Cage,
too."

     "I heard a rumor that whoever loses that match at UltraRage
is gonna be fired!" Hiroshi said. "And with Cage so upset about
his losses, man oh man, I would hate to be in Sofia's shoes right
now!"

     "Boots, Hiroshi. They're boots. And your drumsticks wouldn't
fit in them anyway."

     The groovy music swapped over to harder techno... as The
Immortals, famous for... well, doing the Mortal Kombat song and
basically nothing else signalled the entrance of Johnny Cage. He
was a bit more flamboyant in his intro.. waving to his fans. All
three of them.

     "If he can't get it together tonight, actually, Johnny Cage
has more to worry about than Sofia," Hiroshi said, watching the
sunglasses-toting movie star climb under the ropes. "He's out for
three, whereas Sofia's just got two losses under her panties."

     "Belt, Hiroshi."

     "You live in your universe and I'll live in mine," Hiroshi
mumbled.

     Finally... the hard rocking no-holds-barred crooning of
Weird Al Yankovic signalled the entrance of.. someone with MANY
cheers, compared to the previous two. Shin Dan. Satsu no Hadou
Dan. Dan of the Raging Gremlin. Evil Dan.

     "OOSHA!!!" he shouted, waving his evil forearm at the
audience. They lapped it up like artificial sweetener. He rolled
on down the ramp... gaining a few glares from the two fighters...
and sprang into the air, landing neatly in a folding chair next
to Hiroshi despite hitting his knees on the table corner on the
way down.

     "And with us tonight for color commentary, as requested by
Sofia of all people, is the one who only recently escaped being
the Biggest Loser in Ultra, DAN HIBIKI--"

     "It's STONE COLD Dan Hibiki!" Dan squeaked. "I have won the
right for others to respect that name, thank you very much!"

     The bell rang.

     Sofia and Johnny Cage sized each other up.. trying to figure
out which was the bigger loser. They circled slowly. Sofia,
twirling her whip in one hand idly... Johnny adjusting his
glasses. Neither attacked each other.

     "You can see them really planning some deep strategy here!"
Hiroshi proclaimed, trying to make this more exciting than it
actually was.

     "BAH! These weaklings make Shin Dan physically ill!" Dan
bellowed. "I have more skill in my gallbladder than they have in
both of their bodies combined and multiplied by four!!"

     Sofia snapped her whip suddenly -- but Johnny jumped over
it, leaving his patented JohnnyShadows(tm) behind. Another snap
cracked over his head; but the third one missed by a yard.

     Instead, it snagged a folding metal chair from ringside,
flipping it through the air for a PERFECT catch in Sofia's hand.

     "Whoa, the gloves are off!" Hiroshi shouted. "Folks, blunt
weapons ARE allowed, and it looks like Sofia's improvising!"

     "Not very sportsmanlike," Daisuke noted.

     Sofia shot Daisuke a glare, then the dominatrix snarled, and
rushed Johnny with the chair -- only to catch air, as Johnny slid
out of the way. She snapped the whip around a chair leg, whirling
it like a VERY nasty thing being whirled around on a whip.. and
hurled it at Johnny. He ducked, and the chair went flying...

     *CLANG*.

     Dan was knocked backwards into the audience from the force
of the blow, topping head over unpleasant heels. Sofia snapped
her fingers in 'curses!' type exclamation, while Johnny gaped in
awe.

     "Oh my GOD!" Hiroshi proclaimed. "Sofia just knocked Stone
Cold Shin Satsu no Hado Evil Dan Hibiki senseless in less time
than it takes to say his name! Dan! Speak to me, Dan!"

     Shin Dan weakly pulled himself over the padded railing,
being patted on the back by his various fans, and dumped back
into his seat. "...ow," he had to say.

     Slipping out between the ropes, Johnny Cage approached the
announcer's table. "Hey, man, you okay?" he asked. Smiling.

     "Bah!" Dan proclaimed, missing a tooth. "It will take more
than that to subdue the uncomfortable horror of Shin Dan!"

     "...good," Johnny said. Grabbing him by the shirt. "Because
there's plenty more where that came from."

     With a hauling motion, Johnny Cage hurled Dan's form into
the ring, the pink-clad warrior's arms pinwheeling wildly in some
parody of flight. Sofia kicked him out of the air, and he landed
on the mat just as Johnny Cage rolled back in... and the two
started beating the living hell out of him.

     "What the-- JOHNNY AND SOFIA are mauling Dan!" Hiroshi
stated obviously. "They're working together! What could this
mean?!"

     "The match was a setup, obviously," Daisuke stated even more
obviously.

     Sofia pinned Dan's arms behind his back, hauling him up to
his feet... while Johnny Cage got ready for his finishing move.
He did a wide split, down to waist level.. and socked Dan
directly in the testicles with his fist.

     Men all over the arena crossed their legs.

     The mighty pink one's eyes rolled back into his head, and he
collapsed to the mat, deciding that taking an impromptu nap
wouldn't be a bad idea.

     "Good lord! They just totalled Dan! It looks like Sofia's
motioning for someone to give her a mike.. what explanation could
they have for this?"

     "If you'd stop asking prompting questions, maybe they'd
answer."

     Sofia grinned... exchanging a low five with an equally
smiling Cage, before starting to speak.

     "All you rejects out there who have been booing us and
making fun of us better listen up!" Sofia mike'd, without her
usual sultry tone. "We put up with your laughter for long enough.
We've put up with these ridiculous defeats show after show when
THIS.. this wad of bubblegum deserves to be the Biggest Loser in
Ultra. Daisuke, you called me unsportsmanlike? I don't think I
care anymore, and neither does Johnny. We're through playing by
the rules!"

     The Cage grabbed the mike. "Damn right! We've got style,
moxie AND power, and we're gonna PROVE it! No more tabloid
reporters saying I'm a poser who's all bark and no bite. The kid
gloves are coming off, and you better believe it's gonna be bad!
Kunou? I know you're back there, you little snob. Your dear
sister isn't gonna be there to help you when the Cage comes down
on you!" (*catch phrase*)

     The taller, more blonde of the pair leaned over to continue
into the microphone. "And Sakura? Yeah, you, you little
schoolgirl whelp! Some flat chested little tramp will NEVER be as
sexy as I! And you can wear as many black leather goods as you
want, it's not going to save you when I track you down. No...
correction. When WE track you down. Ladies and gentlemen, we are
Sofia and Johnny Cage... and we're SEX AND VIOLENCE!"

     With that, the two recently declared partners kicked Dan
around a little more, then slipped under the ropes and marched
over to the announcer's table. Ignoring Hiroshi diving for cover,
they grabbed a pair of chairs, took a few test swings at the air
and headed back up the ramp, intent on wreaking a little havoc.
The crowd mixed with boos and cheers as they departed.

     "...well," Daisuke said, once the coast was clear. "It seems
we've got a little force of sorts to reckon with now. I guess
that's what happens when bad fighters get pushed too far. Good
for merchandising, though. I get this feeling they're going to
show up with neat new costumes and theme music soon..."

     Someone was there, at the door to the backstage area to
greet them. His arms wide, grinning in manic joy... a small
yellow duck on his shoulder. Sofia tossed him the microphone she
had carried out, and he pointed to the crowd in general.

     "Kasumi's tossed down the gauntlet, people, and I'm DONE
hiding in shadows!" he said. "As the personal manager and trainer
of Sex and Violence, I would like to introduce you to the coming
reign of chaos! Look out, folks, because I'm CONTROVERSIAL JACK,
and I'm gonna make your day!"

     Hiroshi peeked out from under the table. "This does not
sound good."

     Daisuke was quite puzzled. "Hiroshi.. you're almost calm."

     "This is just shock. Don't worry, once it passes, I'll get
down to the real panicking."

     "Oh."

          [* For those of you not familiar with other
          Improfanfics, Jack Lysias AKA Controversial Jack is a
          sharp-haired madman who talks to a plastic duck and
          wears a nice looking tie. He tends to cause trouble
          wherever he goes just because he can and it's fun. At
          the end of his own Improfanfic, he was invited by
          Kasumi to relocate to parts unknown... until now. Okay,
          that's enough editor's exposition... ^_^;] 

***

     Lina Inverse was no stranger to food. She had eaten
pheasant, duck, caviar, had drunk almost 100 different kinds of
wine, and had the matchbooks from almost 1,000 different dining
establishments.

     There comes a time in a young sorceror's life, however, when
mere food won't cut it. The meat seems unpalatable, the
vegetables bland.  Only one food can sustain you at such a time.

     And now Lina stood, two quarters in her hand, facing the one
thing she now craved above anything else.

     The day-glo orange cheese crackers.

     She didn't know why. Maybe it was something Kasumi-sama had
put into the water. But for some reason, she *needed* to eat
those crackers. She could almost taste them now, the synthetic
flavor sliding down her throat like silk.

     Smiling, she put the quarters into the vending machine, and
pressed B2.

     The coil rolled around, ready to dispense her prize...and
stopped.

     For a moment, Lina simply stood there, staring at the
machine. She reached out and nudged it lightly. "Oy! My food!"

     When this failed, she took stronger measures. "GIMMIE MY
FOOD!" she yelled, shaking the machine. It refused to budge.

     She stuck her feet in the lower slot, and proceeded to rock
the machine back and forth, trying to find the right amount of
torque to get the coil to let go. By now a small crowd had
gathered, intrigues at the sight of an Ultra fighter, and one in
the Omega division at that, beating up a helpless vending
machine.

     Yotsuya, who was never able to resist opportunities like
this, sidled up to her.

     "Miss Inverse, you seem to be taking on the machine in
combat. Has this bout been cleared with the judges?"

     "SHUT UP!" Lina growled. Just then there was a small <THUNK>
coming from the bottom of the machine.

     "Ah ha!" she exclaimed. "My food!" She jumped down
gracefully from the machine, posed quickly for the crowd, and
then retrieved her prize.

     A pack of Beechnut gum.

     Lina's eyes converged to points. "Wha...what is this?"

     Yotsuya spoke up again. "It would appear that the battle
with the vending machine has damaged Miss Inverse's senses, to
the point where she can no longer recognize the smallest of
objects. It is unknown whether this means the machine will be
challenging Sephiroth for the Omega title..."

     Lina stood up, flames dancing behind her back. "I... WANT...
MY... FOOD!!!!!" She raised her hands above her head.

     "In addition," Yotsuya went on, backing away hurriedly, "she
also seems to have forgotten the rules about the use of major
magicks in a backstage environment..."

     "*Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows...*"

     "There you have it, Daisuke. Back to you in the studio,"
Yotsuya quickly finished, before making himself scarce.

     "*Buried in the flow of time; in Thy great name, I pledge
myself to darkness...*"

     The entire corridor was deserted save for Lina and the
vending machine.

     "*Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you
and I possess!*"

     <CLUNK>

     "*DRAGU...huh?"

     There, in the slot at the bottom of the machine, was a
package of day-glo orange cheese crackers.

     Lina grinned, and quickly retrieved her prize. "Luck-y!" she
crowed, and headed off.

     For a moment all was quiet again, and then Lina peered
around the corner, an evil grin on her face.

     "Fireball."

     The machine exploded into fragments of molten metal and
charred snack foods.

     Lina walked over and grabbed the remains of a Ding Dong.
"Mess with Lina Inverse, and you pay the price." 

***

     The camera cut back to ringside just as Hiroshi was adding
the ninth empty Yoo-Hoo bottle to a growing stack. He beamed at
the camera with sugar energy, and started into the announcement.

     "Folks, you want UltraRage ALPHA news, and we've got PLENTY
of it for you!" he began. "We've already had an explosive
entrance by Bean Bandit, ex-criminal and brawler extrodinare and
the pretty perky Tifa Lockheart, and it's time to meet the next
competitor!!"

     "That's right, Hiroshi. Hailing from ancient Japan, this
master of the sword and the way of the warrior is a venerable,
honorable ronin samurai, who will likely bring an air of dignity
to this weekly spectacle. At least, that's what I'm hoping,
personally."

     "LADIESANDGENTLEMEN, PLEASE welcome... HAOHMARU!"

     The crowd didn't go nuts. After all, they had no idea who
this guy was. As Photek's 'Ni Ten Ichi Ryu' played, the entered,
nudged in by stage hands as these strange modern surroundings
were confusing him.

     The first thing to notice is the hair. One would assume it
would be impossible for the human head to support that much mangy
black hair without one's spine being crushed from the sheer
weight, but this guy was made of stronger stuff than that.
Tugging a bit on his ratty fighting gi, he shrugged, grinned to
the crowd and posed with his katana.

     "YOSH!!" he blared in a voice loud enough not to require
amplification (thus blowing out some of the speakers, since they
had miked him). "I AM THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU, SWORDSMAN AND
MASTER OF THE BLADE AND I HAVE COME TO THIS STRANGE FUTURE WHERE
PEOPLE TRAVEL ROADS IN METAL BOXES AND APPARENTLY EAT VERY BLAND
FOOD IN SHINY BAGGIES FROM WHAT I HAVE SEEN IN YOUR 'CAFE TERIA'!
LIKELY YOU HAVE HEARD OF MY LEGENDARY PROWESS AND MAY PROCEED TO
CHEER FOR ME IMMEDIATELY, BUT I HAOHMARU WILL UNDERSTAND YOUR
AWESTRUCK SILENCE!!!"

     "..oh, god.." Daisuke mumbled.

     "WOW! He's so COOL!" Hiroshi cheered, clapping away. His
hands started to gain blisters from the air viscosity and
clapping frequency.

     "How's he going to get away with using a sword in Gamma?"
Daisuke wondered.

     "PERHAPS YOU ARE WONDERING HOW I WILL BE ABLE TO HONORABLY
USE MY TRADITIONAL WEAPON UNDER THE RULES AND STIPULATIONS OF
YOUR TOURNAMENT SETTING!!" Haohmaru stated a-loudly. He drew the
sword, twirling it to show.. one side blunt, one sharp.
"FORTUNATELY YOUR VERY FRIENDLY GOD ALLOWED ME TO STOP OFF AT THE
MEJI PERIOD WHERE I OBTAINED THIS FROM A NICE YOUNG MAN NAMED
KENSHIN AND THUS ENABLING ME TO DEMONSTRATE MY LEGENDARY SKILLS
WITHOUT DISMEMBERING ANYONE! SO! THAT IS HAOHMARU! LET US TO BE
GETTING IT ON WITH WILD INDISCRIMINATE FIGHTING STYLE!"
     With that, he threw his sword in the air, twirled the
scabbard like a baton and the blade dropped right back into it
impossibly with a little metallic SNIKT.

     The crowd cheered, although half of them had blood pooling
onto their shoulders and couldn't tell how loud they were
cheering.

     Daisuke finished affixing cotton into his ears, while his
partner continued the announcing. "Isn't he GREAT, folks! It's an
exciting night tonight on Ultra, exciting beyond belief! And...
and I'm hearing from the control booth that the FOURTH
Invitational participant is actually en route, and will be
arriving in--"

     Part of the roof collapsed, the section of twisted flaming
metal landing squarely on the ring and shredding it. The This Old
Dojo contractors groaned and got back to work.

     Several armed guards rapelled into the hole in the roof,
clearing the way of any hostiles (not that there were any), and
waving in.. a helicopter, which just barely snuck through the
hole, and touched down right in front of the arena entrance, near
Haohmaru. (Without beheading any fans, because this was Kasumi's
show and she'd have no truck with that sort of thing.)

     "Folks, WHAT AN ENTRANCE!" Hiroshi babbled. "Ladies and
gentlemen, the final invitational participant... KARIN KANZUKI!"

     ...and despite all the buildup, the figure who jumped out of
the helicopter was just some teenaged girl in a red school fuku.
The audience felt a bit disappointed. Then the ones who weren't
already slightly deaf became so when she laughed. Into the back
of her hand.

     "OOOOOHOHOHOHOHHOHOOO!" she rattled. "So! This is where my
arch rival Sakura has gone off to. How foolish of her to think
she could escape me, especially onto a show with such high
ratings! How easy it was to find her!"

     A ronin behind her cleared his throat.

     "GOOD LADY, YOU SEEM TO HAVE PARKED YOUR FLYING METAL DEMON
IN MY WAY, RENDERING THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU'S PATH TO THE
DRESSING ROOMS BLOCKED," he politely pointed out. "AS THIS IS THE
ONLY PATH OTHER THAN THE PATH OF THE ETERNAL WARRIOR THAT
HAOHMARU MAY FOLLOW TO GO TO WHERE THE NICE PEOPLE WITH STRANGE
HEADGEAR AND BLACK CLOTHES ARE WAVING FOR HIM TO GO, I WOULD
REQUEST THAT YOU MOVE IT IMMEDIATELY!"

     Karin fumed. Her perfectly styled blonde curls that
expensive French hairstylists spent hours working on this morning
at a grand total of $5000 of work which her family could clearly
afford bobbed. "How dare you take such a.. loud tone of voice
with me? Don't you know who I am?"

     "NO, NOT REALLY."

     So.. Karin handed him a business card.
"http://i.am/karinsan," she explained. "Read all about it!"

     Haohmaru just sort of looked at it funny. "WHAT PAGANIC
LANGUAGE IS THIS OFUDA WRITTEN IN, EXACTLY?"

     The young girl hmphed. "Very well! I have no time for
peasants such as you. I will see you again in three weeks time,
and I will beat you, and finally get a chance to face Sakura and
annihilate her! OOHOOOHOOHOOHHOHOOO!"

     (In the local hospital, Naga started to file a lawsuit for
infringement.)

     Hiroshi stood on his chair and started hopping up and down,
almost spilling his 17th sugary beverage. "YEAH! YEAH! MAN,
TONIGHT'S SHOW IS GREAT! Oh, yeah, we're getting great now! And
UltraRage ALPHA is going to ROCK! The four man ladder tournament,
the Apocalypse Brawl, and those mystery matches -- WHO is gunning
for CyberAkuma and Team Pokemon?! I Don't know! I DON'T KNOW! BUT
I'M VERY, VERY EXCITED! AAA! AAAAAAAHAHAHH!!! AAHHH--grrk."

     Hiroshi grabbed at his chest, his eyes rolled back into his
head and he fell into the crowd, disrupting a few sign-waving
fans ("Season of Sakura!", "Hibiki 3:16 Says I Just Got My Ass
Whooped" and "Sign Intentionally Left Blank").

     Having had his ears plugged, it took Daisuke a few moments
to realize what had happened. He looked left, looked right,
grabbed the mike. "Ah... medic? In the meantime, let's check in
with Yotsuya backstage..." 

***

     Yotsuya was almost excited, although you couldn't tell
through his bored exterior, as he paced around the Number #13
Dressing Room, waiting for his interviewees. Certainly these
folks were more... unusual than most, and certainly more prone to
unpredictable behavior as of late. Two things he approved of. But
that's far too much of a view inside Yotsuya's mind, so we'll
stop now before we get to the bit about frogs and chocolate
sauce.

     The cameraman, ready to capture these glorious moments of
chest-beating and flagrant taunting, sat around munching a
doughnut when the victi-- err, fighters arrived. In style.

     The door was kicked off its hinges, the entrant leaving
JohnnyShadows(tm) as he went. Then he waved his manager in, who
had taken the time between his last camera appearance and this
one to change into an American flag tie with some mustard stains.
Flanking him was Sofia, glaring down the camera man with a 'stay
back' sort of look.

     "...I have to admit, you guys are already moving as a unit,"
Yotsuya stated. He tapped his mike, checking for feedback, then
launched right into it. "So. The forming of the first non-tag
based team in the federation, certainly history in the making.
Even if many would suggest you only did it to avoid being called
losers."

     Sofia started to prepare to launch into some angry tirade,
but her manager held up a pausing hand. "Losers?" Controversial
Jack asked. "Come come, what's a bunch of numbers on a page in
some ledger? One is only a loser if they are not a champion at
heart, and my favorite recently converted bad girl and bad boy
are truly champion material!"

     "Despite being losers," Yotsuya added in a bored droning
nasal tone.

     "Ah, but that's why I requested this little interview.
Cage-san, if you would..."

     And Johnny cage produced a Gamma belt.

     Yotsuya took out a jeweler's eyepiece which he happened to
have on his person (you never know when you might need one) and
inspected it. "Are you saying you stole Ranma's belt to give to
your 'Sex and Violence' stable?"

     "Stole?" Jack asked. "Well, if you mean we lifted this thing
out of the storeroom after knocking out the security cameras and
detonating a small high yield explosive device for kicks, yes.
There are actually a few of these crated up, just in case the
real one gets lost. Kasumi plans for every contingency, even
though she's omniscient and knows how everything's going to
happen anyway."

     "Aaaaand your plans for this copy-belt?" Yotsuya prompted.

     "It's simple, really. I say these two are champions. So,
they need a belt. Sofia-san, the blowtorch, please?"

     Sofia produced a small acetlyne torch out of.. well, it's
best not to speculate. Then she passed a welding mask, which Jack
donned, looking like some space age cyborg with spiky red hair.
"You may want to close your eyes," he warned, before beginning to
carve.

     In moments, a rough letter 'H' was melted into the metal of
the belt, turning the paint job on the Gamma letter into so much
runny paste. Jack clicked the torch off, and held up his
handiwork.

     "A belt for hentai?" Yotsuya speculated. "Happosai and Ataru
will be ecstatic."

     "No, you nitwit, it's for HARDCORE!" Jack said, rolling his
eyes. "Just like my two best friends here! Anybody in Ultra --
except those overpowered Omega weenies -- can challenge for this,
Gamma, Lambda, Hiroshi, anybody! The catch... they gotta agree to
having a Hardcore Rules match. Knockouts happen anywhere, ANY
weapon you can find in the Ultradome is legal -- chairs, coffee
makers, katanas, whatever. Resourceful and dastardly fighters
only need apply. No time limits, no holds barred, and no wimps
allowed! And since these two are no LONGER the Biggest Losers in
Ultra, I believe we'll just petition Kasumi-sama to replace that
match at UltraRage ALPHA with a Hardcore title showdown!"

     "That was my idea," Johnny spoke up, feeling that perhaps
his new manager was hogging the spotlight a tad.

     "I see, I see," Yotsuya said, raising the Interested
Eyebrow. "So.. who will have the honor of wearing this thing and
getting it taken away via violent activity first?"

     Jack blinked. "Hmm. I hadn't thought of that..." he scanned
over his two new students, both of whom looked very eager to take
on the title. Johnny posed a bit.. Sofia simply looked as pissed
off as she had from the night's beginning. Jack remained
indecisive.

     "Perhaps if you ask the duck?" Yotsuya suggested, bemused.

     "Hey, great idea!" Jack beamed. His students looked at each
other funny... still not quite accepting the idea that their
director of recreational activities conversed regularly with a
rubber duck. Jack held out Mr. Duck, waggling him side to side,
and closed his eyes. "Oh Mr. Duck, lead me true! Which of these
fighters should I pick? My Duck Says To Pick The Very Best One
And... You.... Are... not... IT! You're it!"

     The duck had stopped on Sofia. She gave a wry smirk.. but
her partner gaped.

     "Hey, wait a minute," Johnny said. "This whole belt thing
was.. okay, it was your idea, but I helped on it, and--"

     "Now now, Johnny boy, the Word of Duck is final. Sofia,
come. We must speed your training in the Controversial Art of
Fighting if you are to defend this noble title tonight! Dirty
tricks and sneaky behaviors await!"

     The duck was returned to Jack's shoulder, and he strolled on
out, Sofia taking the belt and slinging it over a shoulder. She
flashed a quick V-sign and a wink to the camera before exiting.

     "So, it seems you ARE the Biggest Loser in Ultra after all,
Johnny," Yotsuya bemused.

     Cage frowned. "She's my partner. I won't complain." And
grinned. "Besides... anybody can challenge for the belt, can't
they?" 

***

     Daisuke was the closest he ever got to complete and total
shock.  He raised *both* of his eyebrows.

     "Dead?"

     The attendant nodded, his eyes still focused on the still
form of Hiroshi lying on the ground, microphone still clutched in
his hand.  "Yup. Sucker just had a king-hell heart attack. It's
really weird, especially for someone as young as he was. Was he
undergoing any situations where he might have gotten
overexcited?"

     Daisuke tried to look nonchalant. "You might say that..."

     "Hmm. That might contribute to it...what was his diet like?
Did he eat the normal three squares a day?"

     Despite his best efforts, a sweatdrop appeared on the back
of Daisuke's head as he thought of Hiroshi's sugar and coffee
fixation for the past two months. "Not as good as it could have
been, admittedly."

     "Well, that's an understatement. This guy had the body of an
insane 80-year-old smack addict. He's lucky it was quick."

     Daisuke sat back and tried to think. He had been Hiroshi's
best friend for as long as he could remember, but he was still a
professional, so there was only one thought preying on his mind
at the moment.

     "I am *not* going to co-announce these fights with Pantyhose
Tarou."

     "Oh my goodness, I was afraid something like this might
happen."

     Daisuke spun around. Being the cool dude that he was (or at
least aspired to be), he simply tugged his forelock and got to
one knee in a cool, easygoing manner. "Hello, Kasumi-sama."

     Kasumi smiled at him. "Now Daisuke, I know how concerned you
must be at the moment."

     Daisuke nodded, trying to think of the appropriate response.
"Of course, Kasumi-sama. I mean, Hiroshi was one of a kind. We
could never imagine the void his death will leave..."

     She cut him off, looking confused. "But I was referring to
the fact that you need a new announcer."

     Daisuke was getting tired of being thrown off his stride,
and made a valiant effort to pose casually next to a wall,
something not helped by the styrofoam cup that smashed against
the wall and dribbled tea down his hand. "Right. I knew that."

     "Now, I've made some arrangements with NERV, and they've
graciously agreed to use their facilities to give us Hiroshi back
as good as new.  But we have a match scheduled before they can be
ready, so we'll need to find someone else. Tarou-san has
requested a short leave of absence, so he won't be able to help
out. And Stone Cold Dan is still recovering from his injuries.
Plus...and this is no reflection on you, Daisuke, you've done an
absolutely *splendid* job..."

     Daisuke could hear a hidden 'but' from a mile away.
"But...?"

     For a moment, Kasumi almost looked less than placid, before
it passed and her usual cheerful countenance returned. "Well, the
ratings for the past couple of bouts haven't really been quite as
good as they were when we started things off. Especially in the
all important Children 5-13 market."

     "Um..." Daisuke didn't quite know what to say to that. "Yes,
I've always felt that more children should be exposed to
mindless, bone- crushing violence."

     "Oh, good!" said Kasumi, continuing on as if she hadn't been
paying attention to him. "So I made arrangements with a local
television station to have one of their child personalities drop
by to announce a fight or two. I was worried there might be a
personality conflict, but Hiroshi's death works out quite
nicely!"

     Daisuke gave up on looking cool and simply stared at Kasumi
with his mouth open. She seemed to realize a moment later how
she'd sounded.  "Oh my, don't misunderstand me! NERV says that
they'll have Hiroshi as good as new in only a few hours! It'll be
as if he never even died! I'll be filing the paperwork for
transfer of identity in Yggdrasil at my office in a moment."

     "Right..." Daisuke slowly drawled.

     "But for the moment... Sana dear, can you come here?"

     Daisuke's brain locked up. *Sana? Surely not *the* Sana?
Kasumi was supposed to be a kind and merciful God...*

     "Hi! Pleased to meet you, I'm Sana Kurata, here to put some
life back into this show! I mean, not to say anything bad about
you guys, but you're really boring! Even the loud hyper guy was
obviously trying to imitate me, and wasn't doing a very good job
at it anyway! Plus I'll be able to give insight into what's
making Ultra so popular with kids, because this sort of fighting
has always been really big around the country, and I once did a
commercial with one of the fighters, so it's almost as if I've
got an inside track. Glad to be working with you!"  At that point
she stuck out her hand for Hiroshi to shake.

     *God is a sadist,* he thought to himself before smiling
politely. 

***

     Said sadist hummed a tune as she went through the paperwork
in her office, a moment later, having ignored that messy 'walking
from point A to point B' business and translocated instead. (An
easy trick for the omnipresent.) And just in time, apparently.

     Her tune was interrupted by a figure suddenly appearing
behind her chair. She turned and lit up with a smile.

     "Why Ifurita, we haven't seen you for so long! I was almost
ready to put your into our retired category. Are you feeling all
right now?"

     The young woman looked at Kasumi with a blank expression. "I
have to fight again."

     Kasumi blinked. "All right, I think I can schedule a match
for you. We're already running short this week. Is there anyone
in particular? Sephiroth is our new Omega champion, but you can
fight anyone else..."

     "Washuu," came Ifurita's response. "I want to fight Washuu."

     "Wonderful!" Kasumi exclaimed. "She's still in a good mood
after winning last week, so I don't think that there would be any
problems with that."

     Ifurita nodded. Kasumi kept up her pretence of happy
cluelessness for a moment or two more, and then her smile drooped
a little.

     "He made you come back, didn't he? Your...master?" Kasumi
hated using the word, but it was the truth.

     Ifurita nodded curtly. "He said I had to fight."

     Kasumi sighed. "I'm sure it will be for the..." She paused
mid- sentence, a thought occurring to her. "Did he say who you
had to fight?"

     For a moment, something that might have been a smile crossed
Ifurita's lips, and then she shook her head. "He did not."

     Kasumi's face returned to the cute yet evil grin she had
been using more and more since taking up the office of the
Almighty. "In that case, good luck, Ifurita. I think that Washuu
would be the *perfect* choice for you to fight..." 

***

     Daisuke sat in his chair at the announcer's table, glancing
at Sana with an expression of disbelief. He had truly believed
his ex-partner (and soon to be resurrected partner as well, if
NERV was telling the truth) to be the most excitable,
hyperactive, and deranged excuse for an announcer to ever sit at
a sporting event.

     "HIIIIIIIIIIIII everybody!!! Sana-chan coming to you LIVE
from the Ultradome, and do we have an exciting matchup for you
tonight when one of the greatest, most unpredictable scientific
minds in the universe (or at least that's what she told me,
actually she gave me a little introduction speech to go along
with it but I took a look at it and quite frankly I think it can
be skipped), Washuu-chan (she made me say that too, and actually
threatened me a bit, which I didn't think was very nice, I mean
just because I'm a star, people think they can walk all over me,
as if I don't matter, I have feelings too you know, are we still
on whoops), taking on one of the more mysterious fighters in the
Omega division, a woman who disappeared entirely after the first
round but is now apparently back and ready to take on all comers
in her creepy little monosyllabic no-expression way of fighting,
Ifurita! All coming up in the next round!!!!!"

     When he looked back on it later, he supposed that she had
been able to take the occasional breath, but you certainly
wouldn't know it from the way she'd been rattling off that
speech. The worst part was she didn't need any sugar or coffee or
anything. She was like that ALL THE TIME. It was truly
disturbing. He decided to chime in just to remind the audience of
his existence.

     "The fight will be taking place once again on the planet
Arrakis, which we've been informed has managed to recover its
ecosystem after the last battle there."

     "A planet that exists only as a desert wasteland, a place
with nothing but sand and the bones of any creatures stupid
enough to try and survive in that hellhole, is now the planet
where history is being made in this crucial Omega round...not
that I know why it's crucial. Neither fighter's the champion, and
they've both lost. In fact Miss Robot here is 0-1 and basically
vanished until now...but it's still going to be an INCREDIBLE
MATCH-UP!!!!!"

     Daisuke decided to provide some actual facts to go with
Sana's insanity. "The matchup is crucial because Washuu has
indicated that if she wins this one she will challenge Sephiroth
for the Omega title.  Therefore she's in a need to win
situation."

     "Right! We all know what happens to fighters who boast about
how they'll pound their rival into the ground! They go down in
flames!"

     "Except in Ultra, where 3/4 of the time they've pounded
their rival into the ground just as they promised," Daisuke
drawled.

     Sana growled, whipped out a small squeaky mallet, and
clubbed Daisuke in the head with it. She covered her microphone.
"Don't ruin my metaphors!" she growled, before turning back to
the audience. "So, ladies and gentlemen, let's get right over to
the PULSE-POUNDING ACTION!!!"

     Daisuke sighed, and hoped NERV got Hiroshi back quickly. 

***

     The by now standard portal appeared in the middle of a small
patch of nowhere (to distinguish it from the large patches of
nowhere surrounding it, and the bands of nowhere that stretched
from there out to the horizon), and Washuu stepped through it.
She had decided to abandon the mech. It hadn't really helped her
much last time, and truth to tell the idea was getting old. She
was the greatest scientific genius in the universe for many
reason, one of which was that she had a mind which refused to
concentrate on one thing for very long before she found something
new and even more exciting to obsess over.

     She had abandoned the mech in favor of simply improvising to
whatever came up, which had served her in good stead in her last
fight against that little weirdo. Besides, this one was actually
being televised, and she hated to deprive the audience of her
cute looks and pretty though still youthful-looking figure.

     She looked around and sized up the area while her annoying
theme music blared in the background. She'd let Ryouko pick the
tune, because the girl had been harassing her about the
appearance for weeks, and it was the sort of loud, jazzy rock
fusion that Washuu couldn't stand.  What made it worse was that
the other girl's tune...

     o/~ O FORTUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! o/~

     ...was incredibly cool.

     Ifurita stepped from her portal, looking cool and collected. 
Washuu narrowed her eyes a little, though still making sure she
looked cute as a button. She'd done some research into this girl,
as well as watching clips of her fight with Lina Inverse over and
over again. She appeared to be some kind of
genetically-engineered superweapon, similar to Ryouko, except
Washuu never created her daughter with quite so much malice
aforethought. She was also incredibly good at duplicating
attacks, almost as soon as they were begun. Washuu expected to
have to reach into her bag of tricks quite often to beat this
one.

     She watched closely, waiting for Ifurita to make the first
move.  Ifurita tended to react to attacks, rather than begin
them, so Washuu was determined to get her to fire the first shot.

     Ifurita glared at the young scientist, raised her staff high
into the air...

     And held it out to her, in a very non-threatening manner.

     Washuu blinked. She hadn't been expecting this. Was the
staff booby-trapped? No, that would be stupid. Washuu was the
greatest scientific genius the universe had ever known, she was
hardly likely to reach out and take a dangerous weapon that
another dangerous weapon was handing to her.

     Ifurita looked at her. "Interface with me."

     Washuu grinned in sudden understanding. "A mental battle,
eh?"

     Ifurita nodded. "To test our mettle."

     This was more like it. A genuine test for her abilities,
without all of those messy fireballs or ki blasts. Just mind
against mind, in the oldest tradition.

     She nodded, grinning. "I accept."

     Washuu then reached out and took the end of the staff,
closing her eyes. Ifurita did likewise. 

***

     "WHAT THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY'RE DOING?!?! THIS ISN'T
CHESS!!!  THIS IS MIND-CRUSHING, SOUL-ERASING, FISTS OF BLOOD AND
DEATH ACTION!  Where are the spleens? Where's the teeth? I want
some violence!  They're violating the very core of the Ultra
code!"

     Daisuke broke in. "It would appear that the combatants have
elected to take the fight to a new level, using their own minds
to battle in. An excellent test for their abilities, if a trifle
dry for viewers."

     "I can't believe this! How am I supposed to pull in ratings
if they do this to me! Gyah! I can't take this!" After screaming
this she whipped out a small device that looked like a cross
between a microphone, keyboard, and tape recorder, and began to
scream into it.

     o/~ Violence, blood and gore, it's what a child craves! o/~

     She hit a couple of buttons on the machine, and it spat her
words back at her, distorted and high-pitched.

     o/~ Violence, blood and gore, it's what a child craves! o/~

     To Daisuke's growing horror, she began to dance across the
announcer's table, gyrating back and forth, while creaming into
her microphone and manipulating her keyboard all at the same
time.

o/~ Wrestling, boxing, all the fighting sports,
   They give a child a chance to work out all their rage!
   We need those pounding fists to stay cute and demure!
   The sound of bones breaking helps us focus on our day!
   Gimme Dan and Sakura, bound in whips and chains!
   The sweat and blood and other fluids, spilling out in gouts!
   Faces hit the canvas, the consciousness is dimmed!
   It helps a child to grow and learn, and become a real man! o/~

     She collapsed onto the table, breathing hard, then flipped
over, sucked on her soda, and shouted into her mike.

     "Let's get back to the fight and more PULSE-POUNDING
ACTION!!!"

     Daisuke sighed, ready to remind her that there was no actual
action taking place, when he realized that the two women seemed
to be moving again. "Looks like there is something going on,
folks. Let's send our cameras back to the planet." 

***

     Washuu pulled away from Ifurita and tried not to throw up.
She had known that the woman had been created as a superweapon,
but didn't expect the actual creators to be as depraved as they
were. And her current master...Washuu never failed to be amazed
at the cruelty and lust for power that still existed in the
universe, even after all this time.

     Ifurita wasn't looking much better. She did throw up,
falling over onto her knees in the sand. Washuu understood her
pain; for a woman who had never been exposed to emotions to
suddenly be faced with Washuu's 20,000 years of love, hate, pain,
and joy would be too much for anyone.

     Washuu knelt down and laid a hand on Ifurita' back as she
retched.  It wasn't that Ifurita ever ate; it was just a race
memory, a way of coping with the cataclysmic assault that had hit
her senses.
     Finally, the woman stopped and looked back up. Tears were
running down her face, and she was having trouble breathing.

     "Will you help? Please?"

     Her voice cried to Washuu's soul, the same voice that had
led her to create Ryouko and Ryo-oh-ki. A need to express herself
as a mother, as a creator and giver of life. And now Ifurita
wanted a life.

     Washuu being Washuu, however, she couldn't simply take her
into her arms and comfort her.

     "Fear not!" she cried. "You've put your trust in the
greatest scientific mind in the universe! There's nothing I can't
accomplish!  We'll go back to my lab and free you from the evil
creatures that created you and the one who currently holds you
against your will!" She subtly hit a switch by her side, and
thunder crackled impressively in the background.

     She helped Ifurita up, and created a portal back to her lab.
Just before they entered it, she paused.

     "Oh, right."

     She grabbed Ifurita's staff and smashed it over her head,
momentarily sending her into a state of unconsciousness. "I win!"
she cried to the camera. "Sephiroth, I'm coming for you" Then she
carried Ifurita through the portal and was gone. 

***

     "..."

     Daisuke reached out tentatively to poke Sana, who seemed to
have gone into a state of shock. She stood staring at the screen,
vibrating slightly, her mouth opening and closing in three-second
intervals.

     Not being one to lose an advantage, he turned back to the
cameras.  "There you have it, folks. Another decisive victory for
Washuu, and it looks like she'll be battling for the Omega title
soon. Moreover, it would appear that she and Ifurita have teamed
up to battle against yet another mysterious controlling master.
What with the Orochi and Our Man in Duckland, that makes three."

     Sana finally snapped out of her stupor.

     "THAT WAS IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

     Daisuke decided a retreat might be in his best interests, as
well as the audience. "And we'll be back with the second Omega
match of the night after this message." 

***

[Commercial. Cut to the desert planet Arrakis, home of zero
percent precipitation and many large sandworms. A smoldering Lina
Inverse is staring down the Orochi, who floats calmly.]

LINA:     BAKA!
OROCHI:   What now, insignificant ant?

[Lina whips out a computer printout. It unfolds to be sixteen
feet long and has a number at the bottom with seven figures.]

LINA:     You called me collect last night! You SHOULD have used 
               1-800-COLLECT, it would have saved me a bundle!!
OROCHI:   I am the incarnation of nothingness. Dialing zero comes
          perfectly naturally to me.
LINA:     For the honor of my phone bill... GIGA SLAVE!!

[Pull back shot as Arrakis explodes into a whitehot cloud of
radioactive dust.]

ANNOUNCER: Dial 1-800-COLLECT or else. 

***

     "Yes!" Sana screamed, directly into Daisuke's ear. "We're
back, and we have a fight that's GUARANTEED to be more exciting
than the last one! Shinji Ikari has recovered from his really
wussy loss to Sephiroth, and is actually showing some interest in
fighting for the first time since the beginning of Ultra! And
what's more, he's challenged one of my *all time* favorite
sorcerors and fighters, Naga the Formerly White and Now Black
Serpent! Naga has shown some of the best attitude in the entire
tournament, and hasn't had some of the obvious perks and benefits
that the wussy fighters have."

     Daisuke cut in dryly. "Naturally, as announcers, we're here
to give you our completely impartial discussion of the matches,
not favoring one fighter over the other."

     Sana stared at him for a moment, then continued on as if he
hadn't spoken. "Right! Anyway, let's take you over now to the
planet... um... where is it this time, my capable yet strangely
unemotional announcer?"

     "It's on the planet Alashaki, famed for exactly nothing at
all except being a big ball of rock in the sky. As indeed are
most of the planets in our Omega matchups. The next time you go
on holiday, why not try a godforsaken piece of stone billions of
light years from anything at all? You'll be glad you did,"
Daisuke said, quietly accepting the large cash donation being
slipped to him under the table.

     Sana raised her fist in the air. "Right! Let's go over to
the fight now! IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIIIIIIMMEEE!!!"

     "Hello? Sana-chan? Daisuke?"

     Daisuke turned to see Kasumi coming in, being her usual
perky yet all-knowing and all-seeing self. Behind her came a
blond woman wearing glasses, escorting what at first glance
seemed to be Hiroshi. It was the second glance that made you
reconsider, though...Hiroshi was never quite that catatonic.

     "I'm pleased to say that Hiroshi's ready to sit with both of
you and watch the match, though he's not quite back to 100
percent yet... Ritsuko?"

     The doctor seemed anxious to leave. "Here," she said curtly,
pushing Hiroshi towards the table. He moved forward a few paces
and then returned to immobility. "Don't get him wet, don't expose
him to bright light, and don't feed him after midnight."

     "Right..." Daisuke mumbled. Sana didn't even bother
responding, having fixed Hiroshi with a Glare O' Death (TM) since
he first walked in.

     Kasumi smiled. "Well, thank goodness everything worked out.
Have fun, you three. Don't forget about the match!"

     Sana blinked. "The match?" Reality then struck her in the
face.  "THE MATCH! Right! Hi, everyone, sorry for that little
delay, this is Sana Kurata bringing you the most exciting and
electrifying fights in the entire history of civilization! This
is Ultra! It doesn't get any better than this, a tournament where
God Herself has said that carnage is the name of the game! Now
let's go to Alakashi and watch Naga KICK SOME BUTT!!!"

     "Or not, as the case may be," put in Daisuke in the interest
of not annoying the fair trade merchants watching, and nodded to
the cameraman to cut to the planet. 

***

     The aforementioned godforsaken piece of stone was currently
equipped with the world's loudest and most balanced stereo
system, capable of playing a theme song with such force it could
crack the planet in two like an egg. However, ratings for the
fight were more important, so the levels were kept at merely
deafening.

     o/~ At the sound of the bell    
         An act you know so well      
         You give me sixteen different flavors of hell o/~

     Naga leapt from her portal to the ground, casting a baleful
eye at the blasted heath in front of her. This time she would not
fail. This time the [HATE] would be strong, and she would rise
and [VENGE] herself on the ones who dared to mock her devotion to
the [HATRED] that drove her onward.

     The heath stared back, giving no sign whatsoever of cowering
before the true strength of her [HATRED]. Rats.

     Music appeared from out of nowhere, and Naga refocused her
attention on the figure that appeared in the portal opposite her.
It was big. It was powerful. It was the sort of thing that could,
if it choosed, stomp Naga into a little splotch on the ground by
accidentally mistaking her for a cockroach.

     It wouldn't stand a chance against her [HATE].

     A loudspeaker came on from the machine, and the occupant
spoke to her, no doubt issuing the challenge that would begin the
path of [DESTRUCTION] and [REVENGE] that now awaited him...

     "Damn, you are stacked! Do those point to magnetic north if
you get lost?"

     A ruse, Naga mused. Presumably he was not used to fighting
women with [HATE] as strong as hers, and was trying to draw out
lesser emotions such as anger and rage. She scoffed inwardly. As
if anger and rage could begin to match the depth of [HATE] in her
soul.

     The robot continued to speak. Naga noticed that it seemed to
be swaying back and forth, and allowed herself a smile full of
[EVIL]. Her assumption of a ruse had been absolutely correct. 

***

     Shinji, for his own part, was not having a hell of a lot of
fun.  The synch process, which had always seemed to go well when
he was a total wuss, was now eluding him. He was having trouble
making the big EVA do what he wanted it to do, and was getting a
bitch of a headache as well. Not that he'd admit that, especially
not the gorgeous babe in front of him.

     He decided to continue his flirting, hoping it might make
her attack and lose her cool. "I gotta admit, it's rare I get to
fight someone as fine as you are. I'll take it easy on you,
though. Wouldn't want to bruise that hot bod of yours."

     For the first time since his arrival, the babe spoke. He had
to admit her voice was nothing to write home about. In fact, it
he had to use a word to describe it, 'evil' would spring to his
lips.

     "You are confident you can defeat Naga the Black Serpent,
she who is of the riot of the blood?"

     Even though he knew she couldn't see it, Shinji allowed
himself a cockeyed grin. "Damn right I'm confident. Tell you
what, in fact... if you win, I'll let you kiss me."

     Naga's response was quick and direct. "ANKOKU DRAGU
SLAVE!!!!!"

     Shinji tried to dodge, but his reflexes were still sluggish,
and he fell to the ground in a heap. Oddly enough, no one was
screaming at him from NERV. He could usually count on Misato for
a "SHINJI-KUN!!!" or two...

     Just before he blacked out, he heard the woman's voice.

     "I will allow myself this once, because I am confident
enough in my [HATRED]. [OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!]"

     Shinji shuddered, then blacked out. 

***

     "Yes! We have a winner! Sisters are doing it for themselves! 
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

     "As you can hear," Daisuke remarked blandly, "It would
seem...and indeed the judges have just confirmed, that Naga the
Black Serpent has pulled off a decisive victory against Shinji
Ikari. This is Naga's first win, and may mark a turning point in
her being thought of as a figure of pity and scorn."

      "And speaking of pity and scorn," Sana butted in, not
missing a beat, "that idiot Shinji Ikari only showed again what a
worthless piece of trash he is, whether he's pretending to be
wimpy or not. A fat lot of good his flirting did him tonight! Ha!
Naga took him out with the trash! She stomped him down, cuffed
him, and took no prisoners! She was the Spike to his Tom, the
ACME to his Coyote! Shinji should go crawling back to his
universe now and leave the tournament to the real fighters!
Yes!!!"

     "...thank you, Sana, for that concise yet piquant post-game
analysis. Let's ask my recently resurrected colleague, Hiroshi,
what he thought. Well, Hiroshi? Exciting enough for you?"

     For a moment, it looked as if the young man wouldn't even
react.  Then his lips moved, even though the rest of his face
remained still.

     "Hiroshi?"

     Daisuke sighed. This had probably been a mistake. "Yes,
Hiroshi.  You. What'd you think of the fight."

     Hiroshi blinked. "Bitchin'," he replied in the same
monotone.

     "There you have it, folks!," Sana cut in, not wanting to
think about those two losers she was forced to deal with.
"Another Ultra match over, and this one even had BIG
EXPLOSIONS!!! But the evenings not over yet! We'll be coming back
to you with an amazing HARDCORE match, the likes of which you
have never seen! So don't touch that dial, or I swear that I'll
come to your house and SING to you!!!!"

     As the cameras cut off, Daisuke looked at her in surprise.
"You use that as a threat?"

     Sana shrugged. "You go with what works."

***

     Shinji managed to limp back towards his dressing room,
finally getting his sense of balance back after crashing in the
EVA. His body still ached, and all he wanted now was to go lie
down and sleep.

     Turning the corner, he saw Asuka waiting for him, tapping
her foot in that adorable way she had. Well, maybe he could go
for a little massage first...

     "Hey, babe, how about a little tender loving care for the
injured?"

     Asuka, who had finally managed to resolve her tortured
emotions during the match, calmly walked up and broke his nose. 

***

     But the spirit of the fans was NOT broken! (how's that for a
segueway?) It was time for an entirely new kind of matchup, and
predictability was going to be low. Controversial Jack had
already led his team out to ringside, Sofia wearing the defaced
belt proudly, and were simply waiting for someone to accept the
open challenge. For about a half of a minute, before Jack's
impatience boiled over.

     "What's keeping them?" he asked the air in front of him.
"C'mon! It's a HARDCORE title! The name alone implies many forms
of naughtiness and coolness. Who wouldn't want to have it?"

     "Jack apparently dismayed at the lack of enthusiasm the
Federation is showing for his semi-legal title," Daisuke
explained to the audience. "I've gotten word that Kasumi-sama has
sanctioned the belt after the fact, although will anybody want
it? If--"

     The yawnin' strains of classic Louisiana rock started to
play. The audience cheered, as out from the backstage area walked
none other than the ragin' cajun, Gambit of the X-Men. He had his
staff over one shoulder, a dark grin, and a microphone.
     "Gambit done reckon' that if he can't have that 'Biggest Bad
At-Sign Dollar-Sign Dollar-Sign' thang Yagami's gone and taken,
he'll just have to snag your toy belt instead," he stated.
"Especially off that no-good, two-bit hussy Sofia!"

     The leather-clad, whip toting fighter glared him down.
"Two-bit? Who was the one who stiffed WHO for the bill on our
date last week?!"

     ("Referring to the charming display they had for each other
in the last episode of Ultra, which.. apparently didn't pan out,"
Daisuke reminded everybody. "Isn't that right, Hiroshi?"

     Hiroshi just sat in his chair and stared into space. When
prodded, he gave a quick response. "Cool," he stated.

     "Boy, your friend's more messed up after death than he was
before," Sana noted.)

     Gambit tisk-tisked, still arguing with Sofia. "At least
Gambit don' make a scene just because the waiter brought out the
wrong wine, cherie."

     "No, he's content to eat like a PIG with the table manners
of a SWINE!"

     "Oh yeah?" Gambit returned. And got a mad glint in his eye.
"Well, THAT DRESS MADE YOU LOOK FAT... porky."

     Women all over the stadium winced in sympathy. Sofia turned
bright red with rage, and charged out of the ring, not bothering
to wait for Gambit to come to her. The bell rang.

     "WAHOO! The match is underway!!" Sana-chan cheered.
"Remember folksies this is a 'hardcore' match, so any weapons
they can scrounge up in the arena are valid and knockouts count
anywhere and the only thing the Ref's basically good for is
counting you OUT!"

     (In fact, the Ref was busy eating a slice of fine italian
pizza at ringside, and didn't even notice the match had started
until someone pointed it out. He leaped into the fray --
literally, since this was Mario we're talking about -- and then
hung back, watching the two.)

     Of course, Gambit had a fair amount of time before the
enraged ex-date got to him, and he had a plan -- the waved the
microphone in front of the nearest speaker.

     **SKRREEEEEEE**

     Sofia stumbled a moment, the feedback stunning her. She
looked up just in time to see a metal staff swing into her gut,
knocking her aside.
     Gambit stood over her. "Now, normally, Gambit got this
problem hitting women. But he figure, you no lady, so that's jus'
finiIEEEEE..."

     The cajun rolled onto his side in a fetal position, and
Sofia lowered her knee, having rebounded it soundly into his
crotch. She looked left, looked right.. snarled at the fans who
were booing, and made her way back to the ring.

     "Eh? What's she going back for?! That's boring! Kick his
ass! GIRL POWER!" Sana cheered, bouncing on her chair.

     Controversial Jack adjusted the duck on his shoulder, took
up a mike, and pointed to the edge of the ring.. where Sofia was
tugging up the dropcloth, and sifting through a huge pile of
baseball bats, hockey sticks, brooms, tables, chairs and so on.

     "Ah, but I've taken the liberty of having a few toys placed
down there!" Jack stated, as Sofia picked a fairly sturdy wooden
table with folding legs, and tucked it under an arm, walking back
to the fallen Gambit. "What fun is a hardcore match without
excessively violent use of props?!"

     "He's got a point," Daisuke had to admit.

     "Fun," Hiroshi mumbled.

     The cajun tried to get to his feet, and ended up just on his
knees.. Sofia flipped up the table, kicked out the folding legs,
and set it up right there on the entrance ramp. (Mario followed
along, although he couldn't DO very much about it.) She stepped
back... whipped out her whip (which is really the only proper way
to get it ready) and snapped it around Gambit's arm as he reached
for her -- flinging him into the air, and onto the table, HARD.

     CRACK. The wood splintered, but didn't snap completely.
Gambit shook off the whip, and got to his feet.. rather upset.

     "Now, that there a cheap shot, missy," Gambit complained,
twirling his staff back into the ready position.

     "OHOHOHOHOHHOOO! That's how Mr. Jack taught me!" Sofia
laughed, twirling her whip a few times, her opponent ducking,
blocking and jumping over it to avoid a second taste of black
leather in an entirely non-hentai sense. "Now, witness Sofia's
Ultimate Sneaky Attack #22!..."

     The mutant grimaced, and got himself ready to counter
anything she threw... but then just sort of blinked in confusion
when Sofia twirled, kneeled down, and started tickling under
Mario's chin.

     "Hey, baby," she purrred. The plumber started to turn a bit
red. "You know, you can jump down my pipes to my warp zone ANY
time. What're you doing after the match?"

     "...eh? I'm-a.. uh.." Mario babbled, also puzzled by this
turn of events (and wondering if Princess Toadstool would kill
him after she saw the show tonight.)

     The Louisianian scratched his head, wondering what was up,
until he found out when Johnny Cage smacked him over the head
with a metal chair. Gambit staggered, stunned for 1D6+ rounds
from the blow..

     "HEY! That's fighting dirty!!" Sana complained. "And getting
assistance from a teammate is illegal, too! Fraud! Foul! Bad evil
bully man who picks on weak!"

     "Well, the referee is too distracted to notice," Daisuke
said. "So, it'll work in Sofia's favor, illegal or not.."

     Gambit snarled. He recovered, looking at the
JohnnyShadows(tm) coming his way...

     And hooked his staff right under that awkwardly sticking-out
leg, flipping Johnny into the air. Then it got brutal. He jumped
up to follow... kicking Cage in the midsection, jabbing the staff
into his ribs, punching him in the face, kicking him higher,
slamming the staff into the small of his back and finally
slamming him DIRECTLY into the table, breaking it (and probably
Cage) with a sickening crunch.

     A little label popped up reading 'ARIAL RAVE! Excellent 500
pts.' as the audience roared in appreciation.

     Sofia was already twirling Mario's moustache around her
fingers when she received Johnny Cage by air mail, knocking the
two of them into a messy heap. Gambit stomped over, towering over
them, and looking very much like the bad@$$ he hadn't quite made
himself to be in previous fights.

     "No more mister nice mutant," Gambit proclaimed.

     Sofia was shocked. It was a flawless technique! Jack said
that these ninny fighters were so used to playing by the rules
that they'd never see it coming! She shoved the unconscious Cage
aside, and snapped out the whip. "DIE!" she shouted (because it's
dramatic and the right thing to do) and hurled the leather bit to
Gambit, intent on snagging around his neck...

     Gambit caught the whip's end. No speech, no taunt, he just
flared his fist with kinetic energy.. and sent that sickly
pink/purple radiance screaming down the leather wire, to its
owner. The whip handle vibrated in Sofia's hand (h.h), and before
she could react, the whip EXPLODED.

     The former, very short lived Hardcore champion went flying
backwards into a steel barricade, and with a THUNK, was out cold.

     "The winn-a!, and new-a Hardcore champion-a," Mario
proclaimed, gesturing. "GAMBIT-A!"

     Gambit waved to the crowd, gesturing for more cheers -- and
was provided. "The ragin' cajun's back in black now," he
declared, snatching away the belt. "And Yagami? You wanna prove
you a hardcase? You come down the baijou and try me for THIS
thing!"

     "An open challenge issued by Gambit," Daisuke re-stated, as
Gambit turned tail, trenchcoat flying in the air conditioning,
and marched his way back up. "It seems Jack's little toy is
turning out to actually be contested over. If--"

     Right as Gambit reached the framework of the backstage
curtain entrance... there was a sound of metal snapping, and the
entire thing toppled on top of him. Curtain covering his body,
metal pipework shattered and falling apart, it was ... okay. It
was curtains for him. But more important was the yellow-suited,
clawed individual standing on top of it all.

     "Sounds like MY game, gumbo boy," Wolverine snarled. "I'll
dance with you instead. Clear your calendar."

     "WHOA! I wasn't expecting that! I guess those guys are still
really mad at each other after all that stuff from before!!" Sana
proclaimed. "Man, and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to show
up for the next episode. Rats! I'll have to tape it."

     "Folks, we're out of time," Daisuke said. "On behalf of
Ultra, thanks for watching. Say goodnight, Hiroshi."

     Hiroshi stared.

     Daisuke poked.

     "Bye," Hiroshi spoke.

     Maybe if we pump some sugar into him, Daisuke thought.
Although, that's what caused his problems in the first place... 

***

     Backstage, in the medical ward, Jack was furious. So much so
that his tie had started to curl up like Dilbert's and his hair
had gotten progressively spikier.

     Both his prized pupils were out cold, even with a fair
amount of sneaky, controversial techniques. Kasumi was probably
gloating off on her Cloud Nine.

     "This won't do, Mr. Duck," he said. "Not by a longshot.
Nope. I'll just have to prepare something even MORE
controversial..." 

***

     Sakura sat in her dressing room-cum-workout room and tried
to calm down. After hearing from Kasumi that her challenge to
Ranma would *once again* be delayed, she'd taken out her
frustration on a few convenient pieces of furniture. Luckily,
Kasumi had a very lenient policy on collateral damage, so Sakura
had just called a crew and they'd come by to replace the room.

     She'd been feeling very frustrated lately. Not only had she
not been getting the one fight she wanted, with Ranma, but her
own fights hadn't exactly been world beaters. She wasn't
especially proud of the way that she'd let her emotions get the
better of her on the bout with Sofia. She flushed when she
thought of what she'd done to earn that win, just so that those
perverts would think she was sexy.

     It hadn't been a true win. She hadn't proven herself. How
could she face Ryu, get him to see how good she was if...

     She shook her head violently. She had to stop thinking of
Ryu as anything more than a fighting hero. She was going out with
David now...well, kind of...they weren't really dating...and he
kept doing stupid things...in fact, wasn't she mad at him right
now? She couldn't remember. Let's see, he had called her his
girlfriend...God, that was embarrassing...then he'd had that
creepy fight with Gambit where he went all weird...why was she
mad at him? She really should start keeping a little notebook if
this was going to keep up.

     Her door suddenly opened, and the subject of her musings
staggered into the room.

     She resisted the urge to kick him out, and instead just
gently kicked him in the head, throwing him against the wall.
Expecting him to bounce a couple of times and then whine, she was
rather surprised when he crumpled to the ground instead, just
managing to avoid gashing himself with the chainsaw he was
carrying.

     Realizing he was actually hurt, she dropped the pretense of
anger and went to kneel by him. "David, what's the matter? What
happened?"

     Looking at him, she began to get really worried. There were
trickles of blood coming from his eyes, and his mouth was opening
and closing.

     She got up. "David, I'm going to get help. You wait here."

     "Sakura?" he mumbled. She stopped.

     "Yes, David?"

     "What did I do in my fight?"

     She paused, unsure of what to say to him. "David, you're
hurt. I need to get help."

     "I won, somehow. How did I do it?"

     She decided that if she answered him, he would quiet and
she'd be able to leave. "Well...you were losing...though putting
up a decent fight...and then the Orochi appeared, and looked at
you...and you just started beating up on Gambit with your staff."
She squirmed; thinking about it now make it seem even creepier.

     "I see..." he muttered. "Sakura, I'm sorry."

     "What are you apologizing for, David? It wasn't your fault.
Can I go get you some help now?"

     His eyes flickered, but he nodded.

     "I'll be right back," she said, and ran to the door. There
was a medical trauma team about 2 corridors down...

     A voice whispered right next to her ear. "I'm sorry." Then a
large blunt instrument caught her across the back of the head,
and she blacked out. 

***

     Kasumi looked up briefly and frowned.

     Everything was going according to plan. There were certain
things that had to happen in order to make the world a safe and
happy place.  She'd been over this before. It was the right thing
to do.

     But there were still parts of it she hated. 

===

][ ULTRA EPISODE 8 RESULTS RECAP :
][ JOHNNY CAGE and SOFIA match was a hoax, no stat changes.
][ J. CAGE / SOFIA / C. JACK form SEX AND VIOLENCE.
][ LINA INVERSE defeated a VENDING MACHINE unofficially.
][ HIROSHI died.
][ HARDCORE BELT established.
][ WASHUU defeated IFURITA, now at 2W/1L.
][ WORDS typed in CAPITAL LETTERS.
][ NAGA defeated SHINJI, now at 1W/1L.
][ HIROSHI cloned.
][ GAMBIT defeated SOFIA, now at 2W/1L and HARDCORE CHAMPION.
][ Next scheduled author : Brian Stricklin

===

Author's Notes (Sean) : I must admit, I signed up for this
without really knowuing what it would be about.  Stefan and 
David Tai were telling me how ***TOTALLY COOL*** it would be,
so I decided what the hey, despite my never having played a 
fighting game and not having watched wrestling in almost 15 
years.

So naturally, after reading the fighter-heavy parts that others
have done, I began to panic.  Luckily Stefan, who can sense an
emotional breakown coming, asked if I wanted to team up with 
him.  I could deal with that.  He'd write the fighter stuff and
I'd stick with wacky anime humor.

Sana Kurata, my guest announcer, is from Kodomo no Omocha, the
most hyperactive anime series of all time.  She's an 11-year-old
child star, can talk a mile a minute, and has a tendency to 
overreact to everything.  Feel free to use her in later parts if
you want.

I couldn't resist a few of my predilections creeping in, resulting
in Stefan tagging this with the 'controversy' title.  Between the
almost lime scene with Shinji and Asuka, the ad for Ecstasy, Sana's
rap about how kids need violence, and the ending, there's quite a
few bits of controversy.

Another predilection I have is being serious.  Even though this
is Ultra, the Washuu/Ifurita plot and the ending bit with Sakura
and David weren't played for laughs.  Go with it. ^_^

One last thing:  I'd written Ifurita's scenes as if her master was
Jinnai, everyone's favorite El Hazard loonie.  But since I never
mentioned him, feel free to make it someone else if you like.  It's
NOT Orochi or Controversial Jack, though.


Author's Notes (Stefan) : I love crazy experiments.  Basically,
Sean and I came up with a bunch of scene ideas, wrote them, and
tried to connect the dots to make it a coherent (yet
controversial) episode.  Whee!  Couple quick points :

*    I hope folks who have never heard of Controversial Jack
     before have no problems with him.. he's not that deep a
     personality, honest...

*    No, you can't make up your own belts on the spot.  I just
     figured after reading some threads on the IFF message board
     (if you haven't been to the website.. GO!) that an inter-
     league gimmick belt would be a nice addition.  Especially
     since the Biggest Loser in Ultra fight at URA wouldn't be
     going on now.  For the record, the only things that will
     disqualify you from a Hardcore match are getting assists
     from others (which can be worked around, as you've seen :)
     and ... well, that's it!  Have a day...

*    I was going to introduce one new Invitational a week, but
     didn't want to impose on the other authors, and I realized :
     I need TIME to get the vote form out there!  Yes, folks, you
     WILL be voting on these people to see who makes it in.  Keep
     tabs on the website for the form, it should go up soon.

*    Notice no new fighters were introduced!  See?  It's not
     mandatory. :)

See you at ULTRARAGE!

(finis)