It's not often that one gets to have tea with God, and still
be alive to enjoy it.
     At least, not until recently.  But the current Divine
Authority was always more than happy to set aside a few moments
for someone, despite her sister Nabiki's insistence that there
were much better things she could be doing with her time. 
Nevertheless, most people tended to be rather disconcerted by the
experience, and avoided a repeat performance.  Having a personal
chat with the Almighty is much like discussing financial matters
with an off-duty IRS agent - nothing's necessarily official, but
you couldn't help thinking that they were making mental notes for
future reference.
     Her current guest, however, seemed unaffected by this,
calmly taking a long sip of tea.  "Delicious.  Of course, I would
have expected nothing less."
     Kasumi smiled brightly.  "Why, thank you.  That means a lot,
coming from you - I'm sure you've sampled teas from all over the
world."
     "True enough.  My investigations *do* tend to keep me on the
go."  He looked at her over the rim of his cup.  "In fact, that's
what brings me here today."
     "Is it?  Do you think your nice friend will be here?"
     Despite himself, he choked a bit on his tea.  "My n-nice...
ahem.  No, that wouldn't be his style.  It's the tournament I
wished to speak to you about."  He picked up an attache case from
the floor next to him and opened it.  "Specifically, your Omega
division."
     "Oh?"
     A few pieces of paper drifted onto the table, most with
small pictures attached to them via paperclips.  "Orochi. 
Sephiroth.  CyberAkuma.  Toguro Ani.  Naga the Black Serpent. 
All of whom have one similar goal - the destruction of all other
life."  Another page fell.  "Lina Inverse.  Often called the
'Enemy of All Living Things'."  Another.  "Wasyuu.  Her devil-
may-care attitude toward experimentation has devastated entire
worlds on occasion."  Another.  "Ifurita.  An ancient being
created only for mass destruction."  Another.  "Shinji Ikari. 
Though by himself harmless, with the disappearance of the Angels
and therefore lacking an outlet for its aggressive urges, his EVA
is a time bomb waiting to go off."
     Kasumi barely glanced at the pictures.  "Oh, my."
     "It's an interesting rogue's gallery, you must admit.  It's
almost as if you deliberately chose them for their capacity for
mayhem, and brought them here to give them something to focus
their destructive tendencies on."
     A look of mild-yet-Divine concern briefly visited Kasumi's
features.  "Would that be a bad thing, Inspector?"
     He chuckled.  "Not at all, Kasumi-sama.  If they're fighting
each other, they can't endanger the general public."  His smile
faded slightly then, and he leaned forward.  "What worries me,
however, is the possibility that there's more to this than that. 
Everyone who knows you agrees that you've always disapproved of
violence, yet you sponsored this tournament.  That makes me
wonder if there's something you're not telling us - what if you
brought these fighters here not only to contain them, but to
distract them?"
     She said nothing, merely taking a sip of tea.  He watched
her closely, but not a flicker of deceipt or subterfuge could be
found.  "I'm asking as a member of Interpol, Kasumi-sama.  Is
there something happening soon, something that requires so much
of your attention that you can't be bothered with trying to keep
the Omega fighters in check?  If it endangers the people of this
planet, then I think we have a right to know."
     Several long seconds passed, broken finally by a knock at
the door.  "Sis, I got the... oh, sorry.  I didn't know you had
company."
     "Come in, Nabiki," Kasumi said cheerfully, no trace of the
previous tension evident in her bearing.  She gestured to her
guest.  "This is Inspector Zenigata, who seems terribly concerned
about something."
     He nodded to her.  "Tendo-san."
     "Uh, hi."  Nabiki's expression was immediately wary.  Not
that there was a *reason* she should be worried around a police
officer, noooooo.
     "What did you bring me, Nabiki-chan?"
     "Oh, right.  Uh, here's the paperwork for the new Omega
fighter."  She smirked slightly.  "Just needs the Handwriting of
God to make it all official."  She held out a manilla folder to
her sister, but it was intercepted en route by Zenigata.
     "May I?" he asked, looking at Kasumi.
     "Why, certainly," she said with a bright smile.  "We should
always do our best to cooperate with the police.  Right, Nabiki?"
     Her sister muttered under her breath, wishing to be
elsewhere.  She couldn't remember if Kasumi had been quite this
nasty-minded before she gained Ultimate Power...
     As Zenigata opened the folder and began to read its
contents, Kasumi continued on.  "I can certainly see your point,
Inspector.  The people in the Omega League do have a potential
for destruction.  If they're all that violent, there could very
well be...  Oh, dear, you seem to have spilled your tea.  Would
you like another cup?"
     He stared at the folder, which had fallen from his numb
fingers onto the table.  "But... this one is..."  He looked up at
her, astonished.  "A hero.  No... a legend!"
     "Really?"
     "But... but wouldn't you need him at your side?  To deal
with the crisis?"
     She took another sip of tea.  "What crisis?"
     Zenigata continued to stare at her, stunned beyond rational
thought.  Nabiki peered at him, prodding him gently with a
forefinger.  "Boy, disprove their pet theories and these boys
just go all to pieces, don't they?"

*****


                         LIVE!
                    FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                 THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
                 IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
                 SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
                    AND IMPROFANFIC!
                     IT'S TIME FOR...

          {     M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R    }
          {   F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N  }
          {               .-----------.            }
          {               | U-L-T-R-A |            }
          {               `-----------'            }
          { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }


     Episode 9: Mankillers in Miniskirts!
     Written by Brian Stricklin

     The UltraDome shook with the cheers and applause of the
crowds contained therein.  Which was odd - it wasn't like
anything was actually *happening* at the moment, unless you
counted the constant barrage of commercials displayed on the
impressive array of large television screens that hung over the
center ring, put in place to ensure that everyone got a good view
of the action.
     But Ultra-otaku don't need a reason to show their
approval... or disapproval.  They were stoked, they were pumped,
they were hyped up on sodas and Ho-Ho's, and they weren't going
to let a little thing like an empty ring get in the way of their
excitement.  Considering the unfortunate incident with Hiroshi
last time, though, there were several extra trauma teams
stationed around the dome, just in case.
     Speaking of which...
     Daisuke peered at the more-or-less comatose form of Hiroshi
while two NERV technicians ran a series of tests.  "Are you guys
sure he's okay?" he asked mildly.  "Last week he was kinda...
unresponsive."
     "Oh, don't worry," one of the technicians assured him, while
the other fed Hiroshi a bottle of Gerber's baby food.  "Just a
few minor rough spots to work out, nothing to get concerned over. 
The cloning process has only been used on one person thus far - a
little recalibration is obviously necessary."
     "Uh-huh."
     "He should be fine in a little while.  Honest."  The
technicians packed up their equipment, one article of which went
'ping' before being switched off, and scurried out of sight.
     Daisuke waved a hand in front of Hiroshi's face, but
received no response.  Peering closer at his friend, he frowned. 
He was almost positive that Hiroshi's eyes hadn't been red before
he died...
     Oh, well.  Kasumi had said that there would be another co-
announcer along, to take up the slack until Hiroshi fully
rejoined the land of the living.  And at least Tarou was still
off on his mysterious errand, which was one less headache to
worry about...

*****

     In a faraway land, Tarou walked down a small flight of
stairs and stopped at the doorway at the bottom.  He took a deep
breath, and checked the address once again.  His source was
unreliable at best, but even given the faint chance that what
he'd said was true, the answer to all of Tarou's problems was
behind this door, somewhere in this unlikely gaijin
establishment.
     He opened the door and stepped inside.
     The occupants of the bar all turned and shouted,
"PANTYHOSE!"
     The paper crumpled in Tarou's fist as rage and humiliation
filled him.  "I'm gonna kill him..." he growled.
     A million miles away, metaphorically speaking, Jack Lysias
skipped down a corridor, singing to himself with a manic grin. 
"Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your na-a-ame..."

*****

     Her head hurt.
     Her head hurt, and it was dark.
     Her head hurt, it was dark, and she was hanging upside down.
     Her head hurt, yadda yadda, and someone kept chanting the
same word over and over again, the litany punctuated by what
sounded like a drum.
     Sakura blearily tried to focus on her surroundings.  Dark,
yes, but with just enough light to see that she was in some kind
of church or temple.  And, yes, she seemed to be hanging upside
down... from a huge cross.
     In terms of 'things you don't want to see when waking up',
this ranked pretty darn low on the list.  Or high, depending on
how you sort them.
     She also noticed that her skirt was bunched up around her
waist, a side effect of being hung upside down.  With a move that
was unknown even to most Shotokan masters (since few of them were
female), she managed to flip up her skirt and tuck it between her
legs without the use of her hands.  She didn't mind the
occasional free show during a fight, but this was ridiculous.
     As her head cleared a bit more, she tried to focus on the
chanting.  Though she still couldn't see who was doing it, she
managed to discern what exactly he was saying.
     "Orochi..." *THOOM!* "Orochi..." *THOOM!* "Orochi..."
     Oh, this was just PERFECT.
     A highly unpleasant voice cut through her headache like a
chainsaw through low-fat yogurt.  "She is awake, Master.  May I
[kill] her now?"
     "Not yet.  Not unless I decide she has no worth to us."
     Sakura twisted around on the cross, and immediately wished
she hadn't.  The imposing figure brought into her view wasn't
exactly who she wanted to see.  "Orochi!" she gasped.  "What the
hell's going on?!"
     He transfixed her with a steely glare - behind him, Naga the
Black Serpent attempted to do the same, but merely looked rabid. 
"My Harbinger loyally brought you to me, child, as a fitting
sacrifice to the Void.  While he resisted my influence, he has
served me well..."  The Orochi glanced to the side, where the
zombie-like form of David was stepping forward into an old door,
rebounding off, and repeating the process over and over again
while chanting the Orochi's name.
     The Orochi, if he weren't so nihilistic, would have produced
a sweatdrop.  "...though he seems to have suffered some residual
damage from the mental struggle."
     Sakura pushed aside the feelings that arose from that
information until she had the time to deal with them.  "What do
you want with me?"
     "I am in the mood for a new convert, child," the Orochi told
her, as he raised a hand coruscating with evil energy.  "One that
I can use to defeat the pathetic creatures of the Gamma league."
     "Forget it!  There's no way I'm joining you!"  Sakura
squirmed some more, but to no avail.  "You're not my father!"
     The Orochi looked nonplussed.  "I never said I was."
     "Oh.  Right.  Well, I'm still not joining you."
     The energy around the Orochi's hand intensified.  "You speak
as if you had a choice..."
     His sentence was cut short as the temple ceiling developed a
large hole, caused by a massive chi blast cutting through the
ancient masonry.  Black light streamed quite illogically through
the hole, and a solitary figure floated downward and landed amid
the debris.  He glanced at Sakura, then looked to the three
shadowy figures.
     "She is mine."
     Sakura was stunned.  CyberAkuma?!
     Naga the Black Serpent stalked forward, her hands curved
into claws.  "[YOU].  How [dare] you attack us so openly?  I will
[DESTROY]-"
     A casual chi blast sent her flying, striking an ancient pipe
organ which wrapped around her lovingly.
     The Orochi watched CyberAkuma carefully.  Long moments
passed... then the embodiment of the Void lowered his hand. 
"Very well... you may take your 'disciple'.  But do not consider
this a victory.  We shall meet in the field of battle, and you
shall receive your just retribution."
     Without acknowledging his existence, CyberAkuma turned away
from the Orochi and reach out toward Sakura, who was suddenly
wrenched from the cross by an unseen force.  CyberAkuma grabbed
her roughly around the waist as she shot toward him, then an aura
of black fire surrounded them, and they were gone.

*****

     "Ready for a bit of the old... ultra-violence?"
     The cheering grew louder, if that was possible.  Which it
was, but just barely.  Signs waved among the faithful:
"CyberAkuma 3:16 says ....." "Pikachu, I <heart> you!"  "SHOW ME
THE NAGA!"
     Daisuke looked uncomfortable, sitting at the announcer's
table with only a decidedly non-verbal Hiroshi for company. 
Where was that co-announcer?  Not only that, but the new Omega
fighter hadn't shown up yet, and one of the competitors was still
missing.  He would have thought that a show run by God would have
been better organized.
     A stagehand waved vigorously at him, and he realized he was
on the air.  "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  We have what
should be an interesting set of fights for you tonight.  I think. 
Probably."  He glanced at Hiroshi again, who was starting to
twitch slightly.  "We've got two title defenses on the line, as
well as a brand new competitor for the Omega division.  Don't you
think that will be exciting, Hiroshi?"
     The zombie in question opened his mouth once or twice.  "I
think?  I... think..."
     "Yes?"
     Suddenly Hiroshi grabbed the microphone.  "I think I have a
lucky shoe!  Vermillion!  Give me your wired, your hopeless, your
muddled hairballs..."
     Daisuke sighed and turned off his friend's mike.  Swell. 
"Thank you for that insightful comment.  We'll be right back with
more Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Federation Ultra
in just a moment."
     As the camera flicked off, he looked at the stagehand in
something vaguely approaching annoyance.  "Go find those NERV
goons and get them back in here.  Try the cafeteria - they're
crazy about the eclairs."

*****

     The black fire flared, and Sakura found herself in her own
room at the UltraDome.  Mercifully, there was no sign of
CyberAkuma.
     She sat down on her bed and stared at the lifesize poster of
Ryu she kept on the opposite wall.
     What the hell was going on here?  Okay, so according to the
Orochi, David had been sent to kidnap her, though he'd obviously
been trying to fight that order.  That was pretty clear.
     But he *couldn't* have kidnapped her. David had been too
messed up to knock her out - heck, he'd barely been able to move. 
So if David didn't do it... who did?
     And what about CyberAkuma?  Of all the people she would have
expected to resuce her, he wouldn't have shown up on the list at
all!
     She hoped he didn't still have plans to 'turn her to the
Dark Side' again, like he did during Beta.  Oh, sure, he'd been
all Super-Deformed and hadn't been quite so metallic, but he'd
always enjoyed converting Shotokan practicioners for his evil
ends.
     Jeez, just because someone corrupts you and grants you vast
and powerful... well, powers, they think they can take advantage
of you.
     And David... somehow, she was going to have to figure out
how to break the Orochi's hold on him.  She didn't have any idea
how, but...
     Sakura took a deep breath and fell backward on the bed.
Since she couldn't do anything about the situation, there was no
point in worrying about it.  Today was her big day.  She was
*finally* going to face that loser Ranma today - provided he
didn't try to back out of it again.  She had to stay focused, or
she wouldn't stand a...
     Her train of thought derailed violently when she abruptly
sensed something.  Most experienced Shotokan practicioners
develop a certain ability to detect others of their kind, by
becoming aware of changes in the flow of their chi.  Sakura had a
similar skill, though it wasn't used very much.  She had it
tuned, as it were, to one specific wavelength, and bounced to her
feet in a single move as it 'pinged'.
     "He's HERE!"

*****

     The cheese was good.  Ken was no gourmet, but he knew what
he liked, and the cheese plate in the cafeteria was pretty darn
tasty.  Of course, it wouldn't do to fill up before his own match
later on, but having just a few pieces couldn't possibly hurt. 
Besides, given his opponent, he could enter the ring with Mad Cow
Disease and still win easily.
     "GOOD LORD!  Who left all this cheese lying around where
martial artists with creepy eyebrows can scarf it down with
impunity?  That's a problem, isn't it Mr. Duck?"
     *Squeak*
     Ken turned, and saw a freakish-looking man with rather
frightening hair grinning at him.  "You're that Jack guy, right?"
     "Hey, it speaks!  Wacky.  Yes, Controversial Jack Lysias is
my name.  Well, not really.  It's hard to get it to fit on a
driver's license, for one thing.  Hey, look!  A three-headed
monkey!"
     Ken followed Jack's frantic pointing with an involuntary
glance - when his gaze returned to the cheese plate, most of the
dairy treats had mysteriously vanished.  "Um... did you want
anything in particular?"
     "Mmmf?  Mrgl glmf?"
     "Excuse me?"
     Jack swallowed.  "Just here to tell you to stay out of my
stable's way," he said bluntly.
     Ken was honestly confused.  "Why should I even *care* about
a 'stable' made up of two of the most pathetic fighters in
Ultra?"
     "Silence, infidel!"  The brief spurt of rage faded like
something that fades away quickly.  "Because we're gonna rule
this Federation, yogurt boy, whether the small-brained lettuce-
worshipers around here like it or not.  Mr. Duck said so."
     "Suit yourself," Ken replied with a shrug.  "The only person
I really care about fighting isn't here, so this is all pretty
much just a way for me to sharpen my skills."
     Controversial Jack laughed maniacally.  "You are right to
cower in terror, because your fate is in our hands!"
     "I wasn't cowering."
     "Was too."
     "Was not."
     "Was too INFINITY!  Squared!  Anyway.  Once I secure the new
members of my stable, you *will* cower.  Trust me."
     Jack became aware that he was being ignored.  He hated that. 
"HELLO?! I'm ranting over here!"
     "Huh?"  The far away look in Ken's eyes faded.  "Oh, sorry. 
I'll have to continue this later - someone I know just arrived."
     "What?"  Jack fumed as Ken walked off; literally fumed, as
the unknown substance he used to keep his hair spiky began to
smoke and steam from the heat of his anger.  "You get back here! 
I'm not done haranguing you yet!"

*****

     "I'd like another truffled amoeba!  Mittens, mittens for
sale!  Don't worry, just give the hedgehog a kick!"
     "More 'adjustments'?" Daisuke asked wryly.
     "Just a little," the NERV technician promised with a shifty
expression.  Behind him, his companion took a few capsules out of
a bottle marked 'DFP' and advanced on the cheerfully babbling
form of Hiroshi.  "He'll be just fine in a few minutes."
     "Uh-huh."
     After the technicians had dosed Hiroshi up and fled the
scene, Daisuke sat back down and looked up at the camera.  "Well,
folks, we'll get to the first match of the evening in just a
moment."
     "Camels!  Whoops, it's a Dalek party!  There's Mister
Sponge!"
     "And it should be an exciting match," Daisuke continued
deadpan, "since the two fighters have been rivals for years. 
Well, not really, but it sounds better that way."
     "Under the overpass, besides!  How's your chameleon?"
     "So, stay with us."
     "Gazebo!"
     "Oh, shut up."

*****
     
     The crowds outside could best be described as a 'swarm'. 
Though he'd never been known to shrink away from adversity,
walking in the front door wouldn't be a good idea.  These were
fighting otaku, after all - he'd get mobbed.
     So he went around to the delivery entrance.  The UltraDome
needed huge amounts of popcorn, soda, candy, chips, hot dogs, and
other junk foods to operate (though the demand had dropped off
quite a bit after Hiroshi died), and often received new shipments
even while a match was taking place.  This was the case now, as
he wandered though the wide-open shipment doors uncontested,
winding through the crates of Zingers.
     "Yo."
     He looked up, and smiled.  "Long time, no see."
     Ken hopped down off a stack of Milk Dud crates.  "I was
wondering if you were going to show up, old buddy."
     "I wasn't really planning on it," Ryu admitted, rubbing his
neck.  "Then I got this."  He held up a small card with gold
writing; Ken leaned forward to get a closer look.
     "A personal invitation to tea from Kasumi-sama, huh?  So are
you going to be this new Omega fighter that everyone's talking
about?"
     "Beats me."  He tucked the card back in his rucksack.  "I
guess that's what I'm here to talk to her about..."
     A little lightning bolt crossed behind his head, a sure sign
to any martial artist that danger was near - kind of like
Arachnid Sense(tm), but with fewer legs.  A swiftly moving chi
source, getting closer...
     Ryu immediately lashed out with a kick to strike the
incoming assailant.
     "RYU-SAMAAAck."
     Sakura hovered in midair for the moment, Ryu's foot firmly
imbedded in her face, before falling to the ground.
     He blinked.  "Oh... Sakura-chan.  Sorry about that - I
couldn't tell that it was you."
     She stood up in a flash, still bearing a footprint.  "I
can't believe it!  You're here!  You're actually here!  This is
so cool!  Are you going to be fighting, Ryu-sama?  Can I fight
with you if you are?  Can I?  I wanna show you everything I've
learned since the last time!  This is so amazing!  I was hoping
you'd show up, but I was starting to get worried!  Excuse me I
have to breathe now."
     As Sakura gasped for air, a large sweatdrop rolled down
Ryu's temple.  "Uh..."
     "You're right!" Sakura announced, fully recovered once
again.  "I can't fight you just yet!  I have to prove myself by
winning the Gamma belt!  You just wait, Ryu-sama!  I'll show you
what I can do!"  With that she scampered off, the trailing ends
of her headband flapping behind her.
     Ken and Ryu watched her leave.  "Enthusiastic, isn't she?"
Ken remarked.
     "A bit too much, sometimes," Ryu replied.
     An unexpected voice behind them said, "Oh, but she has just
so much potential, don't you think?"
     They turned around.  "Kasumi-sama," Ken said cheerfully. 
"It's nice to see you again."
     She beamed back at him.  "Likewise.  Ryu-san, do you have
time to chat with me now?"
     "Sure."  He waved to his friend.  "Talk to you later, Ken."
     "I'll be waiting.  I've got my own match to worry about
anyway."
     Ryu and Kasumi vanished, a small cloud of sparklies the only
evidence of their passing.

*****

     Daisuke didn't know why Kasumi seemed to have it in for him. 
Sure, teaming him up with Hiroshi was just natural, but then she
brought Tarou in, then Sana, and now...
     "And your name is?"
     The excessively cute girl with huge blue eyes and red hair
hopped up and down excitedly.  "I'm Lumi-chan!  And this is my
oniichan, Ikea!  He's honorable!"  The oniichan in question was
dressed in a white gi and had impressively spiky hair, and bore
an aura of supreme self-control; he'd also brought his own chair. 
As for Lumi-chan, she wore a gray headband, into which was tucked
a pair of light bulbs - Daisuke half-expected them to light up
from merely being in contact with this hyperactive creature. 
"The nice lady with the broom asked Lumi-chan to come help, so I
said, 'Sure!'."
     "Right.  Well, all you have to do is sit over here and say
pretty much whatever you want during the fight."
     "Okay."  Lumi-chan moved to take a seat, then stared around
at the huge crowd in the UltraDome.  "Wai!  There's a whole bunch
of people here!  There's got to be more than... seven of them!"
     "It's... more like 150,000."
     She flailed her arms in frustration.  "That's more than
seven, isn't it?"  Jumping up on the announcer's table, she waved
to the crowd.  "Hello!"
     The audience cheered and waved back, while Ikea just stood
there in contemplative resistance to his sister's exuberance. 
Daisuke was not to be distracted, though.  "Just sit down, okay? 
We're about to start."
     "Oh, all right.  You're so grumpy..."
     As Lumi-chan finally reached a state of temporary
immobility, Daisuke looked at the camera.  "Our first match of
the night is between two men that have fought each other on many
different occasions."
     "Wai!  It's going to be cool!"  Lumi-chan enthused.  "With
lots of punching and kicking and special techniques and
everything!"
     "Uh... yeah.  At any rate, without further ado (because
we're already late as it is), let's bring out the two fighters. 
First, hailing from America and an acknowledged Shotokan expert,
Ken Masters."
     "HEY!" yelled a voice from the sidelines.  "A little more
enthusiasm next time?"
     "Sorry."
     With heavy rock music thrumming in the background, Ken
sauntered down the aisle to the ring, his wife Eliza keeping pace
beside him.
     "Don't rough him up *too* much, Ken," she warned.  "The poor
guy has enough troubles already."
     "I'll go easy on him."  He grinned confidently.  "Trust me."
     "And his opponent," Lumi-chan shouted, "wearing a really
dumb looking pink outfit and pretending to be cooler than he
really is..." She took a deep breath.  "STONE COLD SHIN SATSU NO
HADO EVIL DAN HIBIKI OF THE AROUSAL OF UNPLEASANT INTENT!"
     Shin Dan actually had a few fans.  Not many, but a handful,
and of course everyone likes a good laugh.  Therefore, there was
a moderate round of applause as Dan rolled straight down the
aisle toward the ring.  In fact he rolled all the way *around*
the ring, then back up the aisle and disappeared in the wings.
     There was a moment of silence.
     Then Shin Dan appeared again, looking rather dizzy as he
staggered back down toward the ring.
     "It looks like this fight is going to be as exciting as
might be expected," Daisuke commented dryly.

*****

GAMMA MATCH - KEN vs. SHIN DAN.  FIGHT!

     Shin Dan leapt into the ring, wobbled a bit, then shook his
fist at Ken.  "You dare face Mightily Unpleasant Dan?  You are
foolish!"  He lifted his other fist and shook it.  "You are
poorly advised!"  He lifted the first fist, removed the arm from
his gi, and shook it.  "You need to study more, perhaps take a
few night classes or a correspondence course!"  He leapt into the
air and shook his fist again.  "YAHOO!"
     Ken, who was leaning against the turnbuckle, watched this
display with the appropriate amount of awe and worry.  "Are you
done yet?"
     "No!  Nastily Imposing Dan will never be done!  I am
unstoppable!  I am invincible!  OYAJIIIIIII!"
     "It looks like Shin Dan's trying to even the odds by
psyching out his opponent," Daisuke commented from the
announcer's table.
     "Is that what he's doing?" Lumi-chan asked, perplexed. 
"Lumi-chan thought he was having a seizure."
     "...you might well have a point."
     Back in the ring, Shin Dan was in full form.  "You cannot
hope to defeat me!  My Darkly Irritating powers have no equal! 
Shin Dan knows not the meaning of 'failure'!  Or 'extrapolation'! 
Or..."
     "SHORYUUKEN!"
     Daisuke winced slightly as Ken caught Shin Dan unawares with
the full force of his trademark Flaming Uppercut.  "Well, that's
what you get for not paying attention..."
     The smouldering form of Shin Dan fell to the mat, and Ken
waited patiently for him to get up.  "Now, are you going to talk,
or are you going to fight?"
     Dan bounded to his feet.  "Given the choice... You will face
certain destruction at the fists, feet, knees, elbows, and other
vicious attacking body parts of Strongly Aggravating Dan!  YAHOO! 
YAHOO! YAHOO!"
     Ken covered his face with a palm.  "Let me rephrase that. 
Quit talking and start..."
     "FUKAI DANKYUKAKU!"
     "Wai!" Lumi-chan cried out as Ken received a series of
purple-flamed kicks to the face.  "What were you saying earlier
about not paying attention?"
     "It looks like Ken was being overconfident, and let Shin Dan
take him by surprise," Daisuke mentioned calmly.  "I doubt if
he'll let it happen again, though."
     Indeed, Ken's expression looked decidedly annoyed as he got
back to his feet.  He cracked his knuckles as he watched the
preening form of Shin Dan.  "Fine.  We'll do this the old
fashioned way."
     "You fool!  You cannot defeat me with your tiny puny power
that barely exists unless you look really hard!  I will..."  Ken
punched him.  "Ow!  I will show you what it truly means..." Ken
punched him.  "Ow!  What it truly means to be..." Ken punched
him.  "Ow!  To be a loser!  Stop that!"
     "I don't doubt it one second."  Ken grinned at the audience,
who started chanting his name.  "Let's dance."
     "Polka?  OW!  OW!  OW!"
     Ken began to, in the vernacular, wail on Shin Dan, treating
him to thirty-one flavors of pain.  "Well," Daisuke commented,
"it took longer than I expected, but it looks like Ken has
decided to use his full skills on Shin Dan.  It's just a matter
of time before... uh..."  He looked at his co-announcer, who
seemed to be fidgeting intensely.  "Are you okay, Lumi-chan?"
     She looked at him anxiously.  "Lumi-chan wants to beat up
that guy too!"
     "But... you're an announcer.  You're not supposed to
interfere."
     "I don't care!  It looks like fun!  Besides, he's evil." 
She jumped up on the table, hopping from one foot to the other in
excitement.  "Oooo, Lumi-chan can't take it any more!  I want a
turn!"
     "Uh..."
     Ikea's eyebrow twitched fractionally, which was the closest
the honorable Furniture Warrior ever came to actual panic. 
"Lumi-chan, you shouldn't..."
     But he was far too late.  The young girl sprinted forward
and vaulted into the ring, landing just in front of Ken.  "My
turn, my turn!"  Astonished, Ken stepped back reflexively as
Lumi-chan ran toward the barely-conscious Shin Dan, her
lightbulb-headband glowing brightly.  She pulled a set of bulbs
from her pack - energy-saving halogen bulbs, to be precise - and
tossed them toward the Great Pink Hope.  "BEAUTIFUL LIGHTBULB
ASSAULT!"
     Daisuke glanced at her brother.  "Is she always like this?"
     His eyebrow twitched again.  "You cannot even begin to
imagine."
     The lightbulbs exploded on contact, and Stone Cold Shin
Satsu no Hado Evil Dan Hibiki of the Arousal of Unpleasant Intent
fell to the mat like last week's leftovers.
     As Lumi-chan traipsed back to the table, surrounded by the
congratulating cheers of the crowd, Daisuke looked at the camera. 
"Well, it seems that Shin Dan has been defeated.  However, since
he was knocked out by someone who wasn't actually his designated
opponent, or indeed in the league at all, we'll probably be
seeing a rematch next week."  He looked at Lumi-chan, now seated
next to him again.  "That was... um... impressive."
     "Wai!  Lumi-chan did good!"
     "While we get ready for the next match and train my co-
announcer in rules of conduct, I understand that Controversial
Jack, manager of the 'Sex and Violence' stable, has demanded an
interview.  Are you there, Yotsuya-san?"

*****

     "I am indeed, young man.  And I am here again with Jack
Lysias, alias 'Controversial' Jack.  And his duck."
     "Word."
     "Quite so."  Yotsuya turned to regard his guest with a bland
expression. "Mr. Lysias, you have bored if not annoyed the loyal
Ultra fans with the formation of your own stable, not to mention
the creation of your own title belt.  What insipid... excuse me,
insidious plan do you have up your tattered sleeve now?"
     "I'm glad you asked, especially since I told you to ask. 
Yotsuya, all I can tell you is that there are major changes to
come in this Federation, and I'm going to end up at the top of
the heap.  What kind of heap, I'm not sure yet, but it'll be
impressive."
     "One can only imagine.  Nevertheless, could you perhaps
elaborate a bit on the actual details of your plan?"
     Jack rubbed his chin.  "Well... Mr. Duck can explain it much
better than I can.  Go ahead, Mr. Duck."
     *Squeak*
     "And there it is in a nutshell.  You're such a succinct
speaker, Mr. Duck!"
     Yotsuya's infamous eyebrow raised slightly.  "I see.  Well,
interviewing you has once again been an experience I hope to
never repeat.  Back to you, Daisuke."

*****

     "Right.  We've still got some preparations to take care of,
such as finding the competitors, but right after that we'll have
more Ultra for you.  We might even find out why tonight's episode
is called 'Mankillers in Miniskirts' even though only three of
the competitors are at all likely to be wearing miniskirts."
     In a dry, unsteady voice, someone said, "...work with me...
here, Daisuke."
     He turned and looked at the vaguely recovered form of his
friend.  "Back with us, are you?"
     "...I think so.  Got any Pixie Stix?"
     "None for you," Daisuke said firmly.  "That's what killed
you off in the first place.  Anyway, we'll be back in a moment."

*****

     Ryu blinked and put down his cup of tea.  "Really?"
     "If you don't mind."  Kasumi smiled at him.  "It would help
keep things nice and balanced, you see."
     "Well... I don't know.  I'm not exactly trained for that
sort of thing."
     "Oh, dear.  But aren't you always travelling, looking for
new challenges?"
     "That's true, I guess..."  He returned her smile.  "All
right.  You can count on me, Kasumi-sama."
     Her eyes sparkled.  "I knew I could."

*****

     Ranma wasn't hiding.  He *wasn't*.  He was... meditating. 
Yeah.  Martial artists meditate all the time, to maintain the
focus they needed to fight at maximum efficiency.  Meditating. 
That's what he was doing, and so he definitely *wasn't* hiding. 
Not him, nosiree.
     Just because he was meditating in a storage closet, that
didn't mean that he was hiding or anything.
     Of course, some things just don't change...
     "So here you are, Ranma!"  The annoyingly familiar voice was
accompanied by the chill of ice-cold water down his back. 
"You've been avoiding me, haven't you?"
     She whirled around and kicked Happosai in the head.  "Can
you blame me, ya old freak?!"
     The attack didn't deter Happosai for long.  "Bah!  You're
just jealous that I've chosen a new disciple!"
     Ranma-chan crossed her arms.  "What, that ugly kid?  Oh,
please, like you can really make a martial artist out of him."
     A look of infernal cunning crossed over the old martial arts
master's face.  "That's not the kind of training I've been giving
him."  He poked his head out the door.  "Ataru!  Get in here and
show Ranma what you've learned!"
     Ataru Moroboshi leapt through the doorway, wearing his
latest combat costume - a day-glo green ninja suit, with the
words 'ATARU - TEAM HENTAI' inscribed on the back.  He
immediately leapt toward Ranma-chan, hands stretched out at chest
level.  "Hey, babe!  Let's go on... a..."
     He stopped, staring at her, and the LEO kick she'd been
preparing was halted.  "What's wrong with you?" Happosai asked
with a snarl.  "Power Glomp Attack, now!"
     "Y-yeah, what's the matter?" Ranma-chan added, nonplussed. 
"Aint'cha never seen a *real* woman before?"
     Ataru turned away contemptuously.  "I'm not seeing one now."
     Ranma-chan and Happosai shouted, in unison but for different
reasons, "WHAT?!"
     "Do you think I don't know the difference between a man and
a woman?"  He pointed at Ranma-chan.  "His body may be female,
but I would never lower myself to touching anyone who wasn't born
in the image of Eve!"  He closed his eyes smugly.  "And you call
yourself a master of lechery."
     Tears welled up in Happosai's huge eyes.  "The circle is now
complete, and the student is greater than the teacher.  You have
become so wise, Ataru..."
     Half a second later, he was firmly affixed to Ranma-chan's
bosom.  "But it's just so much fun, I can't help myself! 
WHEEEEE!"
     "DRY UP AND DIE, OLD FREAK!"
     As Happosai exited through the ceiling, the doorway was
kicked in.  Since the door had been open in the first place, the
invader had been forced to reach inside, close the door, *then*
kick it open.  "There you are, Ranma!"
     "Oh, now what?"
     "You've avoided out match long enough!"  Sakura stood in the
doorway, blazing with determination.
     Ataru pounced toward her.  "Now THIS is a babe!  Hey, doll,
show me your panties!"
     And lo, did Ataru join his sensei in the heavens, propelled
upwards by the Fist of Righteous Indignation.
     Sakura returned her glare to Ranma-chan.  "Let's go!  You
and me, in the ring, NOW!"
     "But... but I..."
     She reached out and grabbed Ranma-chan by the pigtail.  "No
buts!  I'm sick of your excuses!"  She dragged her out of the
storage room, ignoring her frantic complaints.  "We're going to
settle this one way or the other!"

*****

     "I can't believe you're doing this to me, Daisuke.  We're
friends, aren't we?"  Hiroshi took another sip of Caffeine-Free
Diet Coke and made a horrendous face.
     "Doctor's orders.  You can't have any stimulants while
you're announcing Ultra.  It's not like you need them, anyway. 
You're hyper enough as it is."
     "Ne, oniichan," said a voice from within a nearby pile of
junkfood, "what does 'stimulant' mean?"
     Ikea regarded his sister thoughtfully.  Other people might
worry that so much sugar would make Lumi-chan more hyper.  He
knew better, though - it would be like worrying that a rainfall
would make a river more wet.  "A stimulant is something that
makes you more active," he explained succinctly.
     "Wai!  Oniichan, you're so knowledgeable!"
     "Do you think you can handle the next match, Hiroshi?"
Daisuke asked.
     "I'll manage."
     "Go to it, then."
     Hiroshi grabbed the microphone and took a deep breath. 
"LAAAAADIIIIIEEEEES AND GENTLEMEEEEEEEN!  This is Hiroshi, coming
to you VERY live from the UltraDome!  Yes, I'm back from the dead
and ready to ROCK YOUR WORLD!  Our FIRST match tonight..."
     "We've had it already," Daisuke commented blandly.
     "...Our SECOND match tonight," Hiroshi continued, without
missing a beat, "has been in the works for weeks!"  Still
shouting into the mike, he reached over to snag one of Lumi-
chan's multitude of Twinkies, but a lightbulb to the head halted
that course of action.
     "That's right, Hiroshi," Daisuke added as his friend tried
to douse the fires in his hair.  "This match has been delayed
several times, but now it looks like both competitors are eager
to end the wait."

*****

     "I don't WANNA!"
     "Stop whining, Ranma!  You don't want your fans to think
you're chicken, do you?"
     "I ain't no chicken!" Ranma-chan shouted, still being
dragged by her hair.  "It's just that..."
     "Look, Ranma," Sakura growled, hoisting the other girl up to
eye level.  "We're gonna have this out whether you like it or
not!  I don't have time for you any more, understand?  Either we
go out there and fight, or I'm gonna tell EVERYONE that you're
too scared to fight me!"
     Ranma-chan narrowed her eyes.  "Now you're just playing
dirty."
     "Well, what would you expect from a grubby little tramp like
her?"
     Sakura whirled around, Ranma still dangling from her grasp. 
"What the...?  Oh, great.  Out of my way, leather-girl.  I can't
deal with you right now."
     Sofia laughed.  "Like you ever could.  Actually, I'm just
here to wish you luck."
     The sound of Sakura's blinking echoed in the corridor.  "You
what?"
     "You heard me right."
     "I thought you hated my guts."
     "Don't misunderstand me."  Sofia approached her and patted
her on the head.  "I'm wishing you luck, because... you're going
to need it."  She laughed again, a low, menacing sound.  "Oh, are
you *ever* going to need it."
     The dominatrix stalked off, still laughing for no apparent
reason.
     "What's up with her?" Sakura asked aloud.
     "Beats me," Ranma-chan replied, "but anyone who reminds me
that much of Kodachi is definitely up to no good."

*****

     Lumi-chan opened her mouth wide and took a big bite of
cotton candy, then washed it down with a mouthful of Big Red. 
Three boxes of Nerds quickly followed suit, topped off by a
double-handful of Whoppers.
     Sitting next to her, Hiroshi was apparently going through
withdrawal symptoms.
     "C'mon... just one taste?  Please?  I... I need a fix,
Daisuke.  I need it bad..."
     "Just stay focused, Hiroshi.  You can beat this thing."
     Hiroshi took another deep, cleansing breath.  "I'm... I'm
okay now.  Thanks, Daisuke."
     Without warning, a huge cheer rippled outward from one side
of the UltraDome, and Hiroshi craned his neck to find out why. 
"It looks like... yes!  Ladies and Gentlemen, our two competitors
have finally arrived!"
     Sakura stalked down the aisle, Ranma-chan now slung over her
shoulder.  "But... if you'll just let me..."
     "Shut up!"  Sakura tossed her burden into the ring and
hopped up after her, facing off in the traditional Shotokan
stance.  Straightening from his idle leaning against a
turnbuckle, Touga Kiryuu climbed into the ring, ready to judge
the upcoming match.
     "There's the challenger," Daisuke said pointlessly, "a self-
taught student of Shotokan martial arts and currently undefeated
in Ultra, Sakura Kusanago."
     Lumi-chan swallowed about thirty jawbreakers in one heroic
effort.  "And the current Gamma champion," she shouted, "heir to
the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts and bearer of a *really*
icky-sounding curse, I know *I* wouldn't want to have it, though
of course it wouldn't be so bad if I turned into a girl when I
got splashed since I'm already a girl, where was I, oh yeah,
Ranma Saotome!"
     "This should be a titanic battle, folks!" Hiroshi yelled
into his mike.  "Hang on to your seats, it's gonna get messy!"
     The audience waited for the first flurry of action...
     And waited.
     And waited.
     And waited.
     "They're not doing anything," Daisuke said, exercising his
masterful command of recognizing the obvious.
     "This is boring!" Lumi-chan announced.  "Lumi-chan wants to
see fighting!"
     Sakura lowered her fists slightly, watching the apparently-
paralyzed form of Ranma-chan.  "What gives, Saotome?  Are you
ready, or aren't you?"
     "I've been trying to tell you," she snarled, "I *don't fight
girls*! Okay?"
     The UltraDome fell silent, and a few tumbleweeds swept
across the ring.
     "But *you're* a girl!" Sakura protested.
     "Don't go there!"
     "This is dumb!  How'm I supposed to claim the title if you
won't even fight me?"  She looked at Touga, who shrugged.
     "Ranma," he said, flipping his hair back and causing several
young ladies in the audience to swoon, "you can't refuse her
challenge.  If you do, I shall have to assume that you choose to
forfeit the match, and the title will be transfered to Sakura."
     "No way!"
     "No way," Sakura agreed.  "I have to prove that I'm the
best!  I don't want to win by default."
     Touga hmmed bishounenly.  "Then we're at an impasse."
     There was a faint glimmer of light and the slightest hint of
a celestial choir, then the Almighty appeared in the ring.  "Oh,
dear.  I thought this might happen."  She looked up, and waved
politely to the audience.  "Hello, everyone.  I hope you're all
in good health."
     A resounding cheer shook the UltraDome.
     "Uh, hi, Kasumi," Ranma-chan stammered.
     She looked at him a trifle sternly.  "Now, Ranma.  It's okay
to fight Sakura.  She *wants* you to fight her.  Isn't that
right, Sakura-chan?"
     Sakura nodded eagerly, even bloodthirstily.
     "Yeah, but..."  Ranma-chan dug into the mat with one toe. 
"She's still... I mean..."
     Kasumi sighed.  "Oh, my.  Then maybe I can offer an
alternative?"

*****

     The This Old Dojo construction crew scurried off after
making the requested changes to the ring.  For the most part it
was just the same, except for a thick chain extended from corner
 to corner, suspended thirty feet above the mat.
     Kasumi smiled brightly.  "The first one to fall, loses."
     "Interesting," Sakura said thoughtfully.
     "You see, Ranma?" God continued.  "Now you don't have to try
to hurt her, just to knock her off the chain.  Is that all
right?"
     She nodded reluctantly.  "It'll do."
     "That's nice.  Good luck to both of you!"  With that, Kasumi
disappeared as quickly as she arrived.
     "Pre-match divine intervention," Hiroshi enthused.  "Ya
gotta love it."
     "Now that that's over with," Daisuke commented, "maybe this
match will finally get under way."

*****

GAMMA TITLE MATCH - RANMA vs SAKURA.   FIGHT!

     The two competitors jumped up to opposite ends of the chain. 
Well, Ranma-chan jumped; Sakura was forced to climb up the
supporting pole, not yet having mastered Martial Arts High-
Jumping.  She'd taken her shoes off beforehand - it was going to
be hard enough keeping her balance without making things worse by
wearing sneakers.  "You ready, Ranma?"
     Ranma-chan stood easily on the chain, not swaying in the
slightest.  "Whenever you are.  You can still back out of this,
though," she reminded her.  "Nobody beats me at things like
this."
     Sakura smirked back.  "There's a first time for everything."
     With a confident grin, Ranma-chan settled into an attack
stance.  "Then let's get this over with."
     The two warriors lunged toward each other in a mighty
charge...
     And Sakura grabbed frantically for the chain as she slipped
to the side.
     Ranma-chan facepalmed.  "Are you *SURE* you don't want to
give up?"
     "Shut up!" Sakura growled, climbing back onto the chain.  "I
can *do* this!"
     "Your funeral."  Ranma-chan resumed a pose of readiness and
watched her opponent do the same.  "Come and get me."
     With a shout, Sakura ran forward along the chain.  There was
a blur of movement...
     Ranma-chan sighed and walked forward, keeping her balance
with ease, and knelt down.  "Two things.  First, you really
shouldn't try to match me for balance or agility..."
     "Shut up."
     "And second, you *really* shoulda worn some pants.  Unless
you like showing the world your panties."
     "Shut up!" Sakura shouted, from her position of hanging
upside down by her feet.  "So sue me if walking on chains hasn't
been in my training agenda yet!"
     "Well, it looks like Ranma's got this sewn up," Hiroshi
announced, as the pigtailed girl returned to her own corner. 
"Sakura's hard pressed to even stay on her feet."
     "True, but I wouldn't count her out just yet," Daisuke
remarked.  "Ranma's been in a similar position dozens of times -
a confident but unprepared martial artist up against someone
apparently much more suited to the contest at hand - but this
time he's on the other end of the equation.  This really could go
either way, provided that Sakura can develop her sense of balance
before she falls."
     Sakura had indeed managed to get back to her feet, and was
walking toward Ranma-chan slowly.  "One step at a time," she
muttered.  "That's it..."
     Ranma-chan peered at her, then jumped straight up.  As she
landed, the shockwave rolled along the chain to Sakura, who
quickly knelt and grabbed it for stability.  "What're you DOING?"
     "Hey, I'm not the one who has something to prove here,"
Ranma-chan smirked.  "If I can make you fall without laying a
finger on you, that's fine by me."
     "That's low!  Fight me for real, loser!"
     Ranma-chan jumped again, and Sakura squawked in indignation
as the chain shook beneath her.  "C'mon, just give it up."
     "I won't!"  Despite the shaking, Sakura managed to get to
her feet and stay there.  With a frown, Ranma-chan rattled the
chain even harder, but her opponent stubbornly refused to fall.
     "Well.  Looks like this might be interesting after all."
     Sakura's confident grin was slowly returning.  "I'm a self-
taught Shotokan warrior, remember?  I pick up things pretty
fast."  She bounced once or twice, getting her sea legs as it
were, then essayed her own jump - the wave passed under Ranma-
chan without affecting her, but the point had been made.
     "Okay, then.  Let's try this again."
     They charged each other again, this time meeting in the
middle of the chain and beginning a dizzyingly fast exchange of
punches, kicks, and special moves.
     "WHAT A FIGHT!" Hiroshi shouted.  "This is what we've been
waiting for, ladies and gentlemen!  Anything Goes Martial Arts
versus Shotokan!  Punch versus kick!  Tenshin Amaguriken versus
Shouoken!  This is what we're here for!"
     "Lumi-chan doesn't get it," a certain ultra-kawaii girl
complained.  "If they're so good, why aren't they hitting each
other with chairs or tables or anything, oniichan?"
     Ikea considered the question with the appropriate amount of
calm, insightful inner peace.  "Furnitureless combat, while not
as pure as our own fighting style, does have its merits, and is
quite popular in some circles."
     "Wai!  Oniichan, that was calm and insightful!"
     Above them, Ranma-chan and Sakura seemed evenly matched. 
While Ranma-chan was more acclimated to fighting on a narrow
surface, Sakura had no compunctions about using her full strength
on her opponent, and had managed to tag Ranma a couple of times
with glancing but painful blows.
     And at ringside, Sofia had wandered up and was just watching
the fight from below, smiling in anticipation...
     "Give up," Ranma-chan grated, her hands locked together with
Sakura's in a test of strength.  "I've been doing this sort of
thing my whole life!"
     "Don't make me laugh!" Sakura shot back with a sneer. 
"You're the one who should quit, before I humiliate you!"  She
redoubled her grip - Ranma winced slightly, then returned the
favor.  It seemed that at any moment, one or the other would be
driven to their knees...
     Suddenly a bright light shot down from the ceiling of the
UltraDome, lancing toward the competitors.  In unspoken
agreement, they broke off their contest and jumped back to their
original corners - the light struck the chain where Sakura had
been a moment before and dissolved in an explosion of soul
energy.
     "What's this?" Hiroshi yelled.  "A sneak attack?  Who would
do such a thing?!"
     "Maybe if you shut up," Daisuke told him wryly, "we'll find
out."
     Ranma-chan and Sakura stared upward as a figure wrapped in
shadows drifted downwards. "Oh, I'm SO sorry," it said, its
feminine voice audible even over the roar of the crowd.  "Did I
disturb your match?  Don't let me stop you."  It held out its
hand, and the glowing light of a Soul Bat illuminated the face of
Morrigan.  "Keep going, and we'll see if my aim improves."
     Hiroshi shot out of his seat, sending it spinning behind
him; fortunately Ikea caught it with superhuman grace before it
could injure anyone.  "I don't believe it!  Ladies and gentlemen,
it looks like Morrigan is interfering with this match!"
     "She looks evil!" Lumi-chan shouted, and her arms were
suddenly full of lightbulbs.  "Can Lumi-chan blow her up?" 
Everyone ignored her.
     "The question is," Daisuke said calmly, "*why* is she
interfering?  Morrigan is in the Lambda league, and would never
normally face either Ranma OR Sakura."
     "Why?  WHY?  I'll *tell* you why!"  A hand snatched his
microphone away, and Daisuke turned around to see none other than
Controversial Jack behind him.  "Because, after long negotiation
involving the transfer of a few dozen souls and a packet of
CornNuts, Clan Aensland has joined the ranks of Sex and
Violence!"
     The crowd rumbled in shock.
     "This is incredible!" Hiroshi screamed, his eyes bulging. 
"What an upset!  With the addition of the Lambda champions, Sex
and Violence can no longer be considered a bunch of losers!  They
are now a force to be..."  His ranting was cut short when Daisuke
clubbed him with a mallet.
     "That was close," he mentioned, taking over Hiroshi's mike. 
"All right, so why are you interfering?"
     "Two reasons, my bland little turnip.  One, to get back at
Sofia's playmate up there - and, hey!  We've just got the best
little view from down here, don't we?"  He waved up at her.  "Red
panties!  Gotta wonder where your mind is, don't we?  Hubba
hubba!"
     "PERVERT!"
     "And two, this is to prove that *we* control who has which
belt!  Right now, we'd rather Ranma keep the title, so we're
going to make sure he wins!"  He sneered at the audience, who was
treating him to a full course of boos and jeers.  "And there's
not a darn thing you can do about it!"
     "Lumi-chan can!" The Furniture Warrior jumped onto the
table, ready to throw her entire arsenal of halogen bulbs at the
controversial one.  "PRETTY LIGHTBULB..."
     Another cute girl popped up behind her.  "BOO!"
     "EEEK!"  Lumi-chan dropped her bulbs, with predictable
results.
     Daisuke sighed and waved to a stagehand.  "Another table
over here, please."
     Lilith hopped gleefully as Lumi-chan disappeared in a cloud
of explosions.  "That was fun!  Let's do it again!"
     Up on the chain, Ranma-chan glared up at Morrigan.  "That's
dirty pool!"
     The succubus laughed.  "My dear boy... girl... whatever, I'm
a demon.  I practically wrote the *book* on dirty tricks."
     "And I wrote the index!" Lilith chirped, then screeched as a
Soul Bat fried her wings.
     "You're messing up my idiom, kid," Morrigan growled.
     Hiroshi, having regained a semblance of consciousness,
grabbed a microphone.  "It looks like Sex and Violence has the
power to enforce their threat, folks!  We might have to postpone
this match until next week."
     "NO!" Sakura shouted.  "We're fighting now!  I don't care
about the fashion victim up there - I'll take my chances!"
     Ranma-chan blinked at her at surprise.  "What's up with you,
anyway?"
     She blushed.  "Nothing."
     "Well, if you're sure you want to continue...  Let's go."
     While the two fighters prepared to attack again, Morrigan
laughed and held another Soul Bat in her hand...
     "SHINRYUUKEN!"
     A column of fire surrounded the demoness, stunning her just
long enough for the source of the flames to reach her from below. 
Rising into the air like an awakened spirit of vengeance and
grinning widely, Ken Masters delivered a series of fiery
uppercuts to Morrigan, literally knocking her through the
ceiling.
     As they rose out of sight, Lilith spread her wings.  "I'm on
my way, Morrigan!"
     A hand fell onto her shoulder, and she looked up at the
stern face of Ryu.  "Yes, you are... but not the way you think."
     She batted her eyes at him (no pun intended).  "Oooo...
Lolita Complex?"
     He blinked, then tossed her upwards, his face red. 
"HADOKEN!"  The bright blue fireball struck the juvenile
demoness, sending her soaring up and through the hole in the
dome's ceiling.
     "What the hell is this?!" Controversial Jack yelled, waving
Mr. Duck in Ryu's face.  "Answer me, or face certain water-
resistant doom!"
     *Squeak!*
     "We're just helping out in the interest of fair play," Ryu
replied with a shrug.  "Someone suggested there might be a need
for some of that pretty soon."
     Jack's beady little eyes narrowed.  "'Someone'?"
     Ryu smiled.  "That's right.  Someone."  He looked up at
Sakura and gave her a 'thumbs up'.  "Good luck, Sakura-chan!"
     She blushed even brighter.  "H-hai!"
     He grinned at her, then jumped up through the hole,
vanishing from view.
     Ranma-chan shook her head.  "Too weird."  She glanced at her
opponent.  "Maybe if you're done making puppy-eyes, we can finish
our fight?"
     "Huh?  Oh... right.  Right!"  Sakura raised a fist.  "I
won't lose, Ryu-sama!  You'll see!"  She charged along the chain
towards Ranma-chan, who started her own advance.  They neared the
center of the chain and leapt at each other...
     ...just before the chain itself, weakened by Morrigan's
attack, snapped in two.
     The crowd gasped as the two martial artists collided in
midair, punching and blocking.  "Uh-oh!" Hiroshi shouted. 
"Neither of them have the trajectory to land somewhere safe! 
Whoever touches the mat first, loses!"
     "That ain't..." Ranma-chan growled, grabbing Sakura's arm,
"...gonna be... ME!"  She tossed Sakura toward the mat, and her
opponent struggled to right herself before landing.
     "That's it!" Hiroshi was relatively composed - in other
words, he wasn't foaming at the mouth.  "The winner is..."
     Time seemed to slow as sparks of chi flew into Sakura's
cupped hands.  "SHINKUU... HADOKEN!"  Thrusting out her arms, she
fired the supercharged energy burst... straight downwards.
     Ranma-chan gasped and reached out for Sakura as she rocketed
upwards, but it was too late - the Shotokan fighter slipped
through her fingers, and Ranma landed on the mat a good three
seconds before Sakura's extra boost ran out and gravity reclaimed
her.
     "SAKURA WINS!  What an exciting match!  That's Ultra for you
- you never know what... ow."  Hiroshi fell to the ground again,
mercifully malleted by Daisuke.
     "We'll have more Ultra, including an interview with the new
Gamma champion, after these messages," Daisuke said to the
camera, then looked back down at Hiroshi.  Maybe he could arrange
for a treatment of tranquilizers...
     
*****

     Ranma-chan sat down heavily.  She'd *lost*.  To a *girl*! 
She couldn't believe it.  Moreover, she wouldn't accept it! 
She...
     A gloved hand appeared in her field of vision, and she
looked up.  Sakura, still flushed with victory, was offering to
help her up.  "No hard feelings?"
     Ranma-chan felt her frustration fade away as she stood up. 
"Heh.  Nah, it's just a tournament, right?"  She grinned.  "Next
time, though, you better be ready.  I never lose twice in a row."
     Sakura returned her grin.  "I'm looking forward to it."

*****

     In her own pocket universe, Wasyuu was deeply embroiled in
seven-dimensional calculations as she scanned the lifeless figure
in the containment tank above her.  In her place, others might
have been preparing for her match later on at this point, but
she'd already designed and built the tools she would need.  Right
now, there were other matters on her mind.
     "So this is the big bad wind-up doll, huh?" drawled a
familiar voice near ceiling level.  "Sure doesn't look like
much."
     Wasyuu barely glanced at her daughter.  "Looks can be
deceiving."
     "Huh.  I bet I could take her down."  Ryoko knocked
scornfully on the glass, then noticed something propped in the
corner.  "Oooo, and what have we here?"
     "There are some very interesting readings here..." Wasyuu
said, not really paying attention.  "I think I've seen them
before, but I can't quite remember..."
     A bright flash behind her followed by a pained shriek made
her grin.  "I'd leave the staff alone, by the way.  I've booby-
trapped it."
     "Now you tell me..." Ryoko groused, strands of electricity
still arcing across her body.  As the last of the strands faded,
she peered at Ifurita again.  "So, what's the big deal?  Doesn't
she serve the one with the staff?"
     "That's what the legends say," Wasyuu agreed, never looking
up from her hyperspace keyboard.  "But there's something else
involved..."
     "Hmmmmm?"
     Wasyuu's rapidly-typing fingers stopped.  "When I linked
minds with her, I saw her new master.  No details, but just
impressions of raw power, megalomania, and dark, deadly cruelty. 
And somehow, he's managed to retain a certain amount of control
over her.  Some unknown energy has wrapped itself around her
central programming core - her soul.  I've run a few programs to
determine its source, though it seems... familiar..."
     Her musings were interrupted by a soft beeping, and she
touched a few almost-real buttons.  Several thousand lines of
data scrolled across the screen; Wasyuu took it all in at a
single glance.  Finally she closed her eyes and smiled slightly. 
"Damn.  I knew I'd seen it before.  This complicates things."
     Ryoko became typically impatient.  "So, what kind of energy
is it?"
     Wasyuu opened her eyes, and looked up at the expressionless
face of Ifurita, her own face set in determination.
     "Psycho power," she said simply.

*****

[Commercial.  A bunch of kids are wrestling with a SD plush Shin
Dan doll.]

VOICEOVER:     Now you can recreate the excitement of Ultra with
     your very own POUND AND PUMMEL Stone Cold Shin Satsu no Hado
     Evil Dan Hibiki of the Arousal of Unpleasant Intent action
     wrestler!

[The kids punch the doll's face with obvious glee.]

VO:  When you pound him, Dan tells you what you're doing!

[As the kids beat it up, the Shin Dan doll speaks in obviously
recorded sentences.]

SHIN DAN:      You punched my.  Head!
SHIN DAN:      You're hurting my.  Spleen!

VO:  They're only available for a limited time, so get yours
     today!

SHIN DAN:      OYAJIIIII!

*****

     As the commercials mercifully faded, the scene shifted to
the UltraDome's official interview room, which was tastefully
done in shades of green in the faint hope that this would soften
the blow of Yotsuya's interrogation techniques.  Currently it was
occupied by Ryu, Ken, and Sakura (now proudly wearing the Gamma
title belt), as well as Yotsuya himself.  The two male Shotokan
masters still showed signs of their recent conflict with Clan
Aensland - charred and tattered clothing, mostly - but were by
and large intact.
     Yotsuya cleared his throat.  "With me now are three of the
best-known Shotokan practicioners in the world - Ken Masters,
Sakura Kusanago, and Ryu..."  He blinked, once.  "I'm sorry...
what's your last name?"
     Ryu blinked as well.  "I have no idea."
     "I see."  He turned his attention to Sakura.  "Well, at long
last you have won the much-coveted Gamma belt.  Do you still
intend to continue your career as a public exhibitionist?"
     "Well, I... HEY!  What's that supposed to mean?"
     His eyebrow raised.  "A simple 'yes' would have sufficed." 
He looked at Ryu while Sakura was being forcibly restrained by
Ken.  "Your arrival here, while highly anticipated by many, came
quite unexpectedly.  Are you here, as the rumor mill would have
it, to join the Federation in the Omega league?"
     The white-gi'ed Street Fighter rubbed his neck.  "Well, it'd
be an interesting challenge, but I'm not really a big fan of
tournaments.  Having a title belt doesn't mean a whole lot to
me."  He grinned boyishly.  "Besides, a good martial artist knows
his limitations, and I'm not *that* confident of my abilities."
     "Very wise indeed.  So, why *are* you here?"
     "Simple.  There's a dark force moving in Ultra, and someone
needs to keep it in check.  So, after talking to my friends here,
we've agreed to create the second official Ultra 'stable', with
myself as the manager."
     Ken stepped forward.  "That's right.  We're not going to
just sit around while Sex and Violence ruins the spirit of Ultra
- we're going to do something about it."  He grinned.  "Better
watch out, Jackie boy."
     "And that goes double for you, Sofia!" Sakura yelled,
elbowing Ken aside.  "You want this belt?  Come and get it... IF
you ever manage to win a match, that is!"
     "Fascinating," Yotsuya drawled.  "And the name of your
little organization?"
     "'Spirit of Shotokan'," Ryu said, without a trace of
embarrasment at the silly name.
     Yotsuya couldn't resist.  "Does this mean that Shin Dan of
the Incredibly Long Name will be joining you?  He is, after all,
a Shotokan warrior, albeit of his own particular style."
     There was a short pause.
     "Well... I suppose so," Ryu admitted.  "If he wants to."
     "Yeah, we can tolerate him," Ken added.  "He's not really
evil, he's just obnoxious."
     "Well said."  Yotsuya turned his attention to the camera. 
"It seems that the balance of power in Ultra is shifting..." 
Behind him, Ken got fed up with Sakura's flaunting of the title
belt, and grabbed her in a friendly headlock.  "...though whether
it's for the better or for the worse, is yet to be seen."

*****

     The poles and chain had been removed, and the hole in the
ceiling was patched.  The ring was ready for the next match.
     And so were the fans.  Their excitement had dimmed only
slightly after the Gamma title match, and they were eager for
more.
     "Weeeeeeeeeeeee're back!" Hiroshi announced, sporting the
typical crossed-bandages of those with headwounds.  "And with
everything in place, let's get straight to our first and only
Lambda match of the night!"
     "For those interested," Daisuke added, "Lumi-chan has been
taken to the infirmary for multiple burns, but the medics say
she'll be just fine.  Her dentist, on the other hand, is of a
different opinion..."
     As the strains of 'Let's Talk About Sex' boomed out from the
UltraDome's far-too-intense speaker system, the first team
sauntered down to the ring.  "And here they are," Hiroshi said
between bites of his fat-free granola bar, "the only fighters who
joined Ultra in order to scope out girls (unless CyberAkuma's not
telling us something), Team Hentai themselves: Ataru Moroboshi
and Happosai!"
     They reached their corner and waved to the crowd, oblivious
to the lack of cheers they received or the small objects flung at
them from the audience.
     "And their opponents," Daisuke continued in a bored voice,
"hailing from China and eager to take part in their first match
since the third episode of Ultra, the Jusenkyo Survivors, Shampoo
and Mousse."
     *This* time the crowd's cheer thundered across the Dome,
almost drowning out 'Lai-Lai Boy'.  The two Chinese warriors
stepped out from backstage, and a wizened old woman balanced on a
staff hopped out next to them.
     Shampoo, draped in an all-concealing poncho, glanced at
Cologne.  "Great-Grandmother, you sure is okay?"
     The ancient Amazon nodded.  "It took the Elders a bit of
time to iron out the legal aspects of it, but they decided that,
since you're engaged to Ranma, being defeated by another man
won't transfer your engagement to *him*.  If you lose to a woman
outside our tribe, though, you'll still be expected to kill her."
     "That not a problem.  Shampoo not seen any womans here that
good enough to beat me."
     "Don't worry, Shampoo!" Mousse said heroically.  "I'll
protect you, with my life if necessary!"
     She scowled at him.  "Mousse!  Put glasses on and stop
making promises to stagehand!  It time to fight!"
     
*****

LAMBDA MATCH - TEAM HENTAI vs JUSENKYO SURVIVORS.  FIGHT!

     As their opponents took their positions, Ataru and Happosai
discussed their strategy, planning in meticulous detail the evil
tricks they had in store for...
     "What about the chick halfway down the third row?  The one
with the red, skintight blouse?"
     "Not bad, my boy, not bad.  But for true beauty, check out
the doll in green, fifth row, to the right."
     "Whoah!  Good call, old man!  I'd swear she's not wearing
a..."
     A white-haired comet streaked out and smacked them both with
its staff.  "Stop making pigs of yourselves and start fighting!"
     Happosai rubbed his chin.  "Time enough for girl-watching
later, I guess.  All right, m'boy, you first, and remember our
plan!"
     "You got it, sensei!"
     The crowd cringed as Ataru climbed into the ring - his ninja
suit was absolutely painful to look at under the glare of the
spotlights.  Touga, once again in position as referee, put on a
pair of stylish sunglasses as protection.
     Meanwhile, Mousse and Squirrel... ahem, Mousse and Shampoo
had their own conference.  "You stay back.  Shampoo make them
lose before they start."
     Her partner smiled confidently.  "They don't stand a
chance."
     Shampoo ducked under the ropes and stood in her corner,
though the poncho she wore was so efficient at hiding her shape,
it might as well have been a tarpaulin-covered pyramid out there,
if not for the cute face above it.
     "What gives?" Ataru complained.  "What kind of a fighting
outfit is that?"
     Shampoo smirked.  "There no rule that say what Shampoo have
to wear.  You want fight, or not?"
     "C'mon!  You're supposed to wear those sexy Chinese dresses,
or maybe that cute waitress outfit!"  Imagining such visions of
loveliness, Ataru began to drool involuntarily.  "Go change into
one of those, and *then* we'll fight."
     "Shampoo no want to."  She smiled slyly at him.  "If you
want forfeit, that okay by me."
     Daisuke leaned toward his microphone.  "It looks like the
Jusenkyo Survivors are trying to avoid Team Hentai's usual
glomping attacks."
     "Not a bad idea, considering it's their only major
advantage," Hiroshi agreed.  "But it sounds like the crowd
doesn't like this much either."  Indeed, there was a growing
rumble of discontent in the audience.  Their appetites had been
teased with Sakura's display of fanservice earlier - now they
wanted more.  "We might just have a riot on our hands..."
     "You want Shampoo take off poncho?" she asked demurely.
     Ataru nodded.  Happosai nodded.  More than half of the
audience nodded.
     "Okay, but be careful what ask for!"  Grabbing the hem of
the bulky garment with one hand, she pulled it over her head and
tossed it aside, revealing...
     There was a loud cumulative gasp, followed by an equally
loud sigh.
     Shampoo was wearing the tightest, sheerest, skimpiest bikini
anyone in the audience had ever set eyes on.  Colored a light
yellowish green, it was obviously designed to enhance rather than
conceal... and it did its job very very well.
     There was a long pause, then a series of wet popping noises. 
A few moments later there was a rush on Kleenex, as many members
of the audience had to deal with nosebleeds.
     Ataru and Happosai stared as Shampoo casually stretched,
arching her back playfully.  "You want fight Shampoo now?" she
asked Ataru.
     "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh."
     She winked and crooked a finger towards him.  "Come and get
it."
     It was too much!  He charged toward her and pounced. 
"Shampoo-chaaaaaaaaaan!"  He soared through the air in a high
arc...
     And slammed against the mat as she slipped out of the way at
the last second.
     Ataru lifted his head and looked around, trying to figure
out what went wrong... when he saw Shampoo, bent waaaaaay over,
beckoning to Happosai.  "Happy want to come out and play with
Shampoo?"
     The old freak nodded as if hypnotized.  "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-
huh."  He shook his head, then waved an arm to his partner. 
"Ataru, tag me!  Tag me!"
     "Forget it!" he snarled.  "This is my match, and I'm going
to enjoy it!"
     "You little ingrate," his sensei growled.  "Get over here
and tag me right now!"
     Ataru sneered, even as he leapt toward the coyly-evading
Shampoo.  "Get your own girl, pops!  It looks like the white-
haired crone is more your speed!"
     "Why, you...!"
     Shampoo hopped away from Ataru and, holding up her top with
one arm, unlaced its binding with her free hand.  "No have to
fight.  There plenty Shampoo for everyone!"
     There was another pause, and another race to stem the
crimson tide.  At the announcer's table, Hiroshi had gone back to
being comatose, and even Daisuke looked hot under the collar. 
"I... ah... I hope that the censors are at their stations, or
this might get... well, not ugly, but..."
     Steam poured out of Team Hentai's ears, and with a
simultaneous shout of "WHAT A BABE!" they both leapt at Shampoo,
Happosai bouncing off the turnbuckle as he did so.  Laughing and
squealing, the Amazon kept just ahead of the two perverts as they
chased her around the mat, partly due to her own agility but
mostly due to the fact that they elbowed, kick, and throttled
each other in a furious attempt to be the first one to glomp the
teasing nymph dancing before them.
     Touga, meanwhile, tried to get Team Hentai's attention, but
quickly gave it up as a lost cause.  Instead, he started to
count.  "...five... six..."
     "Shampoo!  Come play with Happy!"
     "Ignore that wrinkled has-been!  Ataru's the man for you!"
     "...eight... nine..."
     "Aiyaa!  Shampoo no can decide which!"
     "...ten."  Touga raised his hand.  "Team Hentai is hereby
disqualified," he announced loudly.
     *THAT* stopped them.  "WHAT?!"
     He looked at them with the faintest hint of a smug smile. 
"I tried to remind you that you cannot have both team members in
the ring for more than ten seconds, but you chose not to listen."
     They looked at him for a long moment, then looked at each
other.
     "We lost," said Ataru.
     "So we did," said Happosai.
     There was a pause.
     "Oh, well!" said Team Hentai, and they continued their
pursuit.  
     "Over here, Shampoo!  Give Happy some sugar!"
     "Come on back to my place, babe!  We'll watch Xena!"
     "Shampoo tired of this," she decided.  "Mousse!"
     Without a word, her partner threw a lit bomb onto the mat;
it exploded just in front of Team Hentai and sent them into
the stratosphere.
     And there was much rejoicing.

*****

     Sephiroth stalked the corridors of the UltraDome, ignoring
the cheers of the crowd far above him.  He was not here for the
adulation of the pathetic creatures of this world.
     Actually, he wasn't at all sure *why* he was here, or how
the title belt he wore would help him in his quest for ultimate
power, but what the heck.
     That erratic Wasyuu person had challenged him, thinking that
she had the skill to wrest the belt from the last scion of
Jenova.  Well, so be it.  He would prove her wrong when the time
came... but first, he had another appointment to keep.
     He continued his journey, Masamune in hand, certain that
he'd find the one he sought...
     In fact, the other man was so nondescript that Sephiroth
walked straight past him before he realized it.
     They both stopped, about twenty feet apart, facing away from
each other.
     Finally Sephiroth spoke.  "So.  You are 'that man'."
     "And you are Sephiroth," the other observed calmly.  "They
say you can be quite a challenge."
     "They also say you possess a small amount of skill," the
child of Jenova replied with a small smile.
     The other man chuckled.  "I suppose one might say that."
     "Do you feel you are up to the task before you?"
     He could hear the man turn around, and the soft metallic
sound of a sword being loosened in its scabbard.  "That's why I
am here."
     Sephiroth didn't turn around, but remained motionless, his
head bowed slightly.  "Then cut... if you dare."
     "Prepare yourself."  Long moments passed, then the other man
rushed toward him, drawing a katana in one smooth motion.
     An observer would not have seen the blade move as the
mysterious man approached Sephiroth, only a series of quicksilver
flashes as the dim lights of the corridor reflected off the
katana's movements.  The samurai never slowed until he was well
past Sephiroth, at which point he stopped abruptly, his sword
raised before him.
     He straightened up and slid his katana into its sheath. 
"Once again, I have cut a worthless object."  So saying, he
completed the sheathing motion, the katana's hilt striking the
mouth of the scabbard with a sharp click.  The sudden noise
caused the multitude of cuts that the blade had delivered to
suddenly open...
     And Sephiroth was surrounded in a cloud of hair fragments,
each a precise inch in length.
     Goemon turned around, and held a large mirror up before
Sephiroth, who turned his head this way and that.
     "Not bad," he admitted.  "Maybe a little more off the sides,
though."
     Hey, even would-be gods need a haircut now and then.

*****

     "LAAAAAADIIIIIEES AND GENTLEMEEEEEEEEEEN!"
     "Why do you always say that?"
     "What do you want me to say?  'Hey, you'?  Anyway, WELCOME
BACK to Ultra!"
     "They didn't go anywhere.  Well, except the ones that needed
medical treatment for severe nosebleeds..."
     "WORK with me here, Daisuke!"
     His friend just shrugged.  As annoying as Hiroshi could be
when he tried, it was better having him around than when he was
dead.
     "Before we get to the first Omega match, folks," Hiroshi
continued, unaware of his friend's internal monologue, "it's time
for the moment you've been waiting for!"
     "Bathroom break?"
     "You should've gone before we left the house.  No, I'm
talking about the arrival of our newest Omega competitor!"  A
hushed silence descended on the UltraDome.  "He's considered to
be the most powerful man on his world, having saved it at least
twice from villains that no ordinary fighter stood a chance of
defeating.  His unflagging courage and dedication have made him
into a shining example of what a true warrior should be."  The
lights in the Dome were dimmed, and a pair of spotlights were
directed to one of the upper doors.  These opened, revealing a
man in a cape, still standing back in the shadows.  "Here he is! 
Earth's Greatest Hero!  The ONE... the ONLYYYYY..."  Hiroshi took
a deep breath.  "MISTERRRRRR... SAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
     He stepped forward into the light, and the audience went
wild.  From his huge afro to his handlebar mustache to his huge,
gleaming white grin, Mister Satan was the picture of... of...
well, it's hard to say, exactly, but the crowd seemed to approve,
whatever it was.
     After essaying a few lighting-fast series of punches and
kicks, he jogged down the long stairs toward the announcer's
table, giving high-fives to all the fans along the aisle that
reached out to him, hoping to share however briefly in the Legend
that was Him.
     As he reached the table, he waved to the crowd again - they
rewarded him with another cheer, and he was obviously eating up
the attention.
     Daisuke was apparently unaffected by Mister Satan's charm. 
"It's good to have you in Ultra, sir."
     Satan laughed.  "It's good to be here, son!  It's been a
while since I've had a chance to really exercise my skills! 
After facing Cell and Buu," he added, grinning for the camera,
"other foes just don't interest me."
     "Well, I'm sure we have just the kind of competition you're
looking for!" Hiroshi exclaimed in excruciating excitement.
     He nodded solemnly.  "I had a chance to watch the previous
matches in my limo, and while I don't condone fighting girls, if
beating Sakura is the only way for me to with the title belt,
then..."
     There was general laughter, which seemed to confuse Mister
Satan.  "Oh, no!" Hiroshi said with a grin.  "We wouldn't *dream*
of insulting a martial artist of your caliber by putting you in
Gamma league!"
     "You wouldn't?  I mean, of course not."
     "No, you'll be fighting in the Omega league - that's more
suited to your obvious level of power."
     "Oh.  Well... good!  I like a challenge!"  Mister Satan
laughed again, and absolutely nobody saw the sweatdrop rolling
down his temple.
     A stagehand gestured to Daisuke - no, not THAT gesture - who
nodded.  "Well, it looks like our first Omega match is about to
begin, sir; please feel free to go to your dressing room to
prepare, since your own match will be right afterwards."
     "Thank you, thank you.  I'm looking forward to it!"  Mister
Satan waved yet again to his adoring fans and trotted through the
backstage entrance.
     Back at the table, Hiroshi looked into the camera.  "In just
a moment, we'll take you to whatever featureless planet today's
Omega matchup will take place on, so everyone's eyes to the Big
Screen overhead..."

*****

     Mister Satan (that's Sah-tah-un, by the way) was a bit
thoughtful as he headed to his dressing room.  His publicist said
that this tournament would be good for his image, being sponsored
by God and all.  Not that his image needed any help - there was a
*city* named after him - but a little polish never hurt.
     Still, he was starting to think he should have gotten a
little more information before he agreed to participate...
     "Hey, Satan-san!" said a familiar voice.  "Long time, no
see!"
     "Well, it's nice to see you aga-"
     Mister Satan stopped in midsentence, his eyes beginning to
bug out.
     Son Goku looked at him, perplexed.
     "G... G... G... G... GOKU?!?!"  Satan raised a trembling
finger to point at the Saiyajin.  "What are YOU doing here?!"
     "Oh, Kasumi-kami-sama asked me to be here."
     "You... you're not fighting in the Omega league, are you?"
*Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE let the answer be no!*
     Goku grinned.  "Naw, Kasumi just asked me to be the referee. 
She said I'm too powerful to participate."
     The relief was evident on Satan's face, or would be if Goku
ever noticed things like that.  "Well... that's nice.  That gives
the other competitors a fighting chance at least..."
     "Though I have to admit," Goku continued blithely, "the
woman you'll be facing really gave me a good fight when she
showed up.  Of course, I took it easy on her, her being a girl
and all, but she really wasn't too bad.  She eventually gave up
after a day or so, though."  A stagehand waved to him, that being
the only real purpose that stagehands have, and he nodded in
response.  "Well, it's time for me to go play referee.  Good
luck!"
     He waved and walked off, leaving behind Mister Satan, who
turned to dust and blew away in the wind.

*****

OMEGA TITLE MATCH - Wasyuu vs. SEPHIROTH.  FIGHT!

     Sephiroth floated out of the hyperspace portal and glanced
around.  This was a mist-shrouded world, an interesting change
from the deserts of the previous matches, but otherwise it was
totally uninteresting.
     There was no sign of his opponent, though in this fog she
could be anywhere...
     "I hear you used to be pretty good."
     He turned, and Wasyuu walked out of the mist.  Instead of
her usual attire, she was wearing some kind of close-fitting
armor, apparently made of glass and shadows but, Sephiroth knew
instinctively, stronger than diamond.
     He raised an eyebrow.  "*Used* to be?"
     "Before you got Reunioned."  She hopped up onto a boulder
and sat down.  "Oh, sure, Jenova gave you power and all, but
before you even knew who she was, you were the greatest SOLDIER
of all time.  At least, that's what people say.  Funny, but you
always hid behind monsters or bizzare morphs when you fought that
young Strife kid..."
     "Your point?"
     She grinned.  "Why don't we just see if you've still got the
knack?  No giant robots, no Jenova powers... just you, me, and
our swords."  She held out a small cylinder in her hand - at the
touch of a button, an eerie green rod of light extended from it,
humming softly.  "Nice haircut, by the way."
     Sephiroth allowed himself a small smile.  He'd become
familiar with this world's legends over the past months, and had
a good idea where Wasyuu had gotten the idea for her 'sword'. 
Fortunately, the Masamune was utterly indestructible, and even
without drawing on the gifts of Jenova, his body was strong
enough to at least partially resist such an attack - he had
little to fear.  "Agreed."
     She smiled cutely but wickedly.  "I knew you'd say that."
     A small SD-Wasyuu puppet appeared over her left shoulder. 
"Wasyuu-chan, you're a genius!"
     Another one appeared on her right shoulder.  "Wasyuu-chan,
fight!"
     Then the puppets scurried back to safety as the battle began
in earnest.
     Sephiroth went on the defensive at first, gauging his
opponent's abilities.  While she seemed to lack strength, she
more than made up for that in speed and skill - obviously she'd
mastered the art of fencing sometime during her 20,000-odd years
of life.  And of course, given the nature of her sword, she
didn't need to hit very hard for it to be lethal.
     But something wasn't right...
     Wasyuu pressed the attack, swinging the green sword in
quick, vicious arcs and grinning madly.  Sephiroth deflected them
with the Masamune, the 'blade' ricocheting off in a flurry of
sparks...
     And that was all.
     With a start, Sephiroth realized that there was no impact
associated with Wasyuu's attack.  He saw the sparks, yes, but he
didn't feel or hear the clash when the two blades met.
     Curious, he swung the Masamune, and Wasyuu parried it
easily.  Yes, the motion of his sword had been stopped, but that
was just it - it was stopped as if it had sunk into thick mud,
and hadn't bounced off as he'd expected.
     Interesting.
     "What kind of sword is that?" he asked her as they traded
attacks.
     She deflected the Masamune and ducked underneath his
outstretched arm - he parried her return attack with a lightning-
fast movement.  "Oh, just a little something I cooked up."
     He feinted, then lashed out in a quick slice to her
shoulder.  Her armor was, as expected, quite solid... though he
did cause a small nick in its surface.  "It's not very
effective."
     She spun away and raised her sword again.  "You think so?"
she asked mysteriously, and without another word dived toward
him.  He stepped aside, but not before her sword grazed his
arm... yet there was no pain, and certainly no blood.
     "I do."  He pointed at her with the Masamune.  "I don't know
what you had planned, but you obviously underestimated me."
     He advanced on her, ignoring her attacks now.  Her sword
slashed against his arms, chest, and legs with absolutely no
effect.  Noticing this, she redoubled her efforts, dropping her
guard in her attempt to injure the Child of Jenova.
     He laughed and, taking advantage of her distraction,
proceeded to utterly demolish her armor with the ultra-sharp
Masamune.  Wasyuu concentrated enough on defense to protect her
head, but otherwise maintained her seemingly pointless assault on
Sephiroth, accepting a few scratches through her depleted armor
in exchange.
     Finally he became bored with the contest, and kicked her
aside.  Tired and bloodied, she fell back against a rock and slid
downwards.  "How disappointing," he said calmly, advancing on her
in slow, easy strides.  "I would have expected more from the
renowned Wasyuu."
     She grinned painfully.  "Well, at least we know that you've
still got what it takes."
     He shook his head.  "Foolish.  Did you really expect to win
this, wearing gossamer armor and wielding a sword made of light? 
How pointlessly romantic."
     "Oh, you misunderstand!"
     He blinked at her as she lifted her sword once again.  "What
do you mean?"
     "You see, this isn't a *light*saber."  The glow from the
blade lit her face from underneath, giving it a sinister cast. 
"It's a *time*saber."
     He stared.
     "A little temporal displacement field works wonders, don't
you think?"  Wasyuu touched a second button on the timesaber's
hilt, and the green rod resolved into an actual physical blade,
wickedly curved and serrated.   "Bye-bye!"
     "What...?"
     A series of metallic clangs caught his attention, and the
Masamune was suddenly jolted out of his grasp.  He watched,
stunned, as it continued to dance on the ground, shaken by an
unseen force.
     "You see," Wasyuu continued, "every slash, thrust, and parry
I made is just now arriving down the timeline."  Sephiroth
suddenly grabbed his arm - moments later, blood began to ooze
through his fingers.  "A little underhanded, I admit, but that's
what you get for picking on cute little girls."
     Sephiroth wasn't paying attention, however - he was too
occupied with the sudden gashes that appeared on his body.  He
was thrown back and forth by attacks that had happened several
minutes earlier, until his clothing was a uniform blood-red.
     He fell to his knees, then collapsed.
     Wasyuu grinned.  "Payback's a bitch, isn't it?"
     She turned to walk away, popped a Wasyuu-brand Instant
Healing Pill, then took a deep breath and looked around.  Not a
bad little planet, really, though a touch of terraforming
wouldn't hurt.
     A pained gasp behind her caught her attention.  "You...
little..."
     She sighed.  "Of course, sometimes the old ways *are*
best."  She pressed a third button on her sword's hilt...
     ...And a fifty-foot tall replica of the Death Star appeared
from hyperspace and fell on Sephiroth, knocking him out.

*****

     The television clicked off, and the cackling image of Wasyuu
faded from view.
     His hair suddenly white with shock, Mister Satan let the
remote control slip through his fingers.
     "N... no...  They can't... possibly expect me to..."

*****

     A short time later, Wasyuu emerged back through the portal,
wearing the title belt around her waist and dragging an
unconscious Sephiroth behind her.
     As if summoned by a higher being - which might well have
been the case - Yotsuya appeared before her, microphone in hand. 
"Congratulations on winning the Omega title match, Wasyuu."
     She grinned cutely.  "Thanks!  But please, call me Wasyuu-
chan, creepy boy."
     "Of course."  He glanced at Sephiroth.  "Might I assume that
you intend to take your opponent as a trophy, as you did Toguro
Ani and Ifurita?"
     "Oh, not permanently."  A wicked expression flashed across
her face.  "It's only that I don't have any Jenova DNA on file,
so I'm just going to take a few... samples.  Ta-ta!"
     With that, she vanished, taking the SOLDIER with her. 
Yotsuya's placid expression never changed.  "Ah, well.  Perhaps
it's better not to know."

*****

     CyberAkuma stood on the top of the UltraDome, watching the
city of Tokyo beneath him.
     Perhaps rescuing his disciple had been a mistake, he
considered, but he had been loathe to simply allow the Orochi to
take her uncontested.  Her power, though as yet unfocused, was
not a thing to be squandered.  Not even Ryu possessed her raw
potential.
     No, he'd made the right decision.  Now he would have to face
the consequences of emerging from his seclusion.
     Even as he looked down on the city, he could feel something,
someone, looking at him.
     He knew the sensation well.  He was being *hunted*.

*****

     Hiroshi was alone at the announcer's table, and was taking
full advantage of it.  He'd managed to confiscate an armload of
candy corn from one of the multitude of vendors working the
audience, and yelled into the microphone between bites.
     "Another amazing fight here at Ultra!"  Chew, gulp.  "And
for the second time tonight, a title belt has changed hands!"
Chew, chew, swallow.  "We'll be right back with the next match,"
gulp, burp, "as soon as Daisuke finds out what's delaying our new
Omega competitor."

*****

     "OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!  BELLYACHE!"
     Daisuke knocked on the door again.  "Are you all right,
sir?"
     "Argh!  Ow!  Oh, I've developed this... incredibly painful
bellyache!  I'm afraid I'll have to forfeit the match."
     "That would be a shame.  I'll go get a medical team, and get
them to have a look at you."
     "No!"  Mister Satan sounded genuinely panicked.  "I mean...
no, I don't want to put anyone to any trouble.  Just give my
regrets to the fans..."
     "Oh, dear.  We can't have that, now can we?"
     He turned around slowly, forgetting to clutch his belly
theatrically.  Despite the calm, slightly airheaded expression on
the girl's face, he suddenly knew that he was in the presence of
Divinity.  "Uh..."
     She smiled at him.  "We wouldn't want our newest fighter to
miss his first fight.  Let me see what I can do..."
     "Ah... well... that is... I..."
     "Oh, don't worry.  This won't hurt at all."  She held out
her hand toward him, and did something she rarely ever did -
invoke a miracle.
     He blinked, and knew with crystal clarity that all his aches
and pains - which weren't anywhere near as severe as he'd claimed
- were gone.  Kasumi beamed.  "There!  All better.  Are you
ready?"
     He stammered again, but it just wasn't in him to tell God a
boldfaced lie.  "...yes, ma'am."

*****

     As the competitors and referee were whisked away by the
standard hyperspace portal, the announcers... well, announced.
     "This should be an interesting match," Daisuke commented. 
"Not only is the planet it takes place on inhabited, but they'll
be fighting in the middle of an industrial zone, albeit an
abandoned one."
     "I'm sure Kasumi knows what she's doing," Hiroshi replied
loyally.  A small map appeared on the screen behind them.  "Also,
the competitors will arrive at opposite ends of the zone, and
work their way through the existing defenses until they reach the
central warehouse here."
     "...which also begs the question of why an industrial zone
has defenses."  Daisuke sniffed.  "By the way, have you been
eating candy?"
     His companion looked shifty.  "Who, me?  No."
     "Hmmm.  Anyway, let's get to the action."

*****

OMEGA MATCH - NAGA THE BLACK SERPENT vs. MISTER SATAN.  FIGHT!

     This was Oddworld.
     A planet of steamy jungles, bizarre creatures, and greed run
rampant.  What civilization existed was limited to grossly
inefficient petroleum technology and slave labor.  Not a fun
place to live, in other words.
     Goku materialized in the warehouse and glanced around.  It'd
take a while for Naga and Satan to reach him... nothing to do but
wait.
     He wondered why Kasumi had brought Mister Satan into the
tournament.  At Omega level, no less!  Surely she knew that he
hadn't actually defeated Cell or Buu, that Goku himself had won
those fights.
     No, she had to have known that.  She was, whatsis,
omnisilly or something.  Omniscient.  Yeah.
     He shrugged, putting it out of his mind.  It wasn't really
his problem, though for old time's sake he'd try to keep Naga
from killing Mister Satan...
     Goku sensed a presence behind him, and turned around. 
Standing there was an odd-looking blue-skinned humanoid with
large, bulging eyes.  It certainly didn't seem hostile...
     They regarded each other a moment, then the blue guy raised
a hand in greeting.  "Hello."
     Goku blinked.  "Hello."
     There was a pause.  "Follow me."
     The Saiyajin rubbed his nose.  It's not like he had anything
better to do... "Okay."

*****

     Mister Satan was, for the moment, relieved.  So far this
fight wasn't as bad as he'd thought it would be, though of course
he hadn't encountered his opponent yet.  While the strange
creatures with metal legs did have machine guns, they were easy
enough to evade, and a single punch was enough to make them
dissolve messily.
     He felt his confidence growing again.  Maybe he had what it
takes to be a contender after all...

*****

     "This is a safe place," Abe the Mudokon announced in his
nasal voice as he led Goku into an old control room.  "We won't
be bothered here."
     Goku looked around curiously.  "Why are you here, by the
way?  I thought this place was supposed to be deserted."
     Abe glanced at him, then pulled a large lever - a series of
lights turned on.  "The Glukkons who own this place never abandon
anything... as long as it can still make a profit."
     "Huh."
     A sudden loud rumbling made Abe duck for cover, but when a
monster failed to appear, he peeked back out to see Goku rubbing
his neck in embarrassment.  "Sorry about that.  Is there any food
here?  I haven't eaten recently."
     The Mudokon shrugged.  "There's some crates of Paramite Pies
and Scrab Cakes in the corner there.  They've been there a while,
but they should be okay to eat - they're mostly preservatives
anyway..."
     He realized he was talking to himself; Goku was already
halfway through the first crate.

*****

     A brigade of sligs lined up in front of the mysterious
intruder, guns at the ready, but were tossed aside like so much
day-old linguini.  A pack of slogs fared little better, and an
entire room of land mines were swept away with a single wave of
her hand.
     Naga was in no mood to be stopped.  Her [HATE] was driving
her onward, and she would [DESTROY] her opponent.  But blowing up
sligs was fun, too.

*****

     "...and after I took out Rupture Farms, the Glukkons decided
to use our bones and tears to make a popular beverage."
     Goku finished off the last crate and belched happily.  "Your
people just let them do this to you?"
     "The Mudokons don't have guns or money like the Glukkons
do," Abe said with a downcast look.  "We've just got... me."
     Shaking his head, Goku stood up and looked at the huge array
of viewscreens before him.  "Well, maybe I can help... but right
now, can you show me what's going on out there?  They should be
getting close."
     Abe nodded, then loped forward and, after a moment's
contemplation, pulled a lever marked 'ON'.
     The screens flared to life one by one, showing Naga and
Mister Satan...
     ...and a slig clubbing a Mudokon slave over and over again
with his gun...
     ...and three Mudokons suspended over a Tear Extractor,
lighting arcing through them and tears streaming from their
eyes...
     ...and another slig prodding a pair of Mudokons toward an
active bone drill, laughing sadistically...
     Goku took in all of the carnage in shock.  "This... this
happens all the time?"
     "You get used to it," Abe replied sadly.
     "No."  An aura of power began to build up in Goku, and the
video screens began to shatter of their own volition.  "No, this
is wrong.  I can't let this keep happening."
     Abe blinked, then found something solid to hide behind...

*****

     The doors opened simultaneously.  Naga and Satan locked
gazes across the warehouse, neither giving up an inch of
psychological ground.
     Back in the UltraDome, all eyes were glued to the Big
Screen.  Not literally - that would be messy and painful.  But
everyone was watching.
     "Here is it, folks!" Hiroshi shouted.  "The Battle Royale! 
The Fight to end all Fights!  The cataclysmic conflict between
Good and Evil!  The..."
     A deafening hiss interrupted him, and was immediately toned
down by the control booth.
     "...blank screen," Daisuke finished.
     "A-heh.  Folks, it looks like we're having some... technical
difficulties of some kind.  Bear with us."

*****

     The yellow-haired comet burst out of the warehouse, then
swooped back in.  A moment later, a loud explosion was heard,
followed by emergency sirens.  Goku was Super Saiyajin, and he
was pissed.
     Abe looked up through the huge hole in the ceiling.  "Oooo."

*****

     Long moments passed in the warehouse, punctuated by
explosions and the sound of tearing metal.  Finally, Mister Satan
made the first move.  Leaping toward his opponent, he...
     ...fell to the floor and grovelled before her.
     Naga blinked.  A trick?
     "Pleeeeease, kind lady!  Don't kill me!  I didn't want to be
in this tournament!"
     She peered down at him, or tried to - she may have been
turned to evil, but her breasts still had their own gravitational
pull. *This* was Earth's Greatest Hero?  "What are you doing,
[pathetic] one?"
     "We don't have to fight, do we?"  Tears streamed from his
eyes.  "Look, I'll tell you what... if you throw the fight, I'll
pay you!"
     She sneered at him.  "[FOOL]!  Mere money [cannot]
distract... Naga... the..."  She blinked.  "How much?"
     Though she didn't realize it, a might battle was taking
place within Naga the Black Serpent.  Though the power of the
Orochi's [HATE] was strong, it had slammed up against Naga's own
natural <GREED>.
     "Whatever you want!"  Mister Satan stood up.  "I'm
incredibly wealthy, you know."  Cash registers rang in Naga's
ears.
     (Somewhere above them, oblivious to their conversation, Goku
had rescued the Mudokon slaves, and was ready to finish the job. 
Still scowling, he hovered over the factory and cupped his hands
together.  "KA...")
     "[NO]!  Naga the Black Serpent will [not] be diverted! I...
will... <Lots> of money?"
     ("ME...")
     "Oh, plenty, plenty!  And your own house, if you want."
     ("HA...")
     Deep inside herself, Naga the White Serpent was falling in
love.  The Black Serpent, however, rallied bravely.  "Cretin!
I... would... <NOT> settle for less than a mansion! Overlooking
the ocean, mind you."
     ("ME...")
     "Of course."
     "And with a fully stocked wine cellar."
     ("HAAAAAAAA!")
     "Two of them.  Do we have a deal?"
     Naga stepped forward... but suddenly the Riot of the Blood
resumed control.  "[NO]!  Now I will [kill] you for daring to try
to trick Naga the Black Serpent!"
     And things would have turned out very bad for Mister Satan,
if the ceiling hadn't chosen that precise moment to fall on Naga.
     As the dust settled, Satan uncovered his head and peered
around.  He seemed to be alone again, apart from a slightly
crumpled hand extending from a pile of debris, twitching gently.
     Goku, his desire for justice sated and his hair once again a
uniform black, floated into the crater that used to be the
factory.  He looked at Naga's arm, then at Mister Satan, who had
the grace to look embarrassed.
     With a shrug, Goku pulled Naga out of the debris.  "Looks
like you win again," he told Satan.
     "Uh... Goku, you're not going to tell anyone about this, are
you?"
     The Saiyajin seemed to consider it for a moment, then
grinned boyishly.  "For all I know, you defeated her before I
blew stuff up.  And that's the story we're sticking with, ne?"
     Satan rubbed his neck.  His own neck, that is.  Not
Goku's.  "...Thanks."
     "Besides," Goku added as the hyperspace portal opened up,
"I'm sure Kasumi-kami-sama brought you to Ultra for a reason..."
     "Really?"
     "...though I have no idea what that reason might be."
     "Oh."
     After they'd vanished and a short distance away from the
ruined factory, Abe led the Mudokons rescued by Goku back to
their homes.  He had no idea what had happened back there, but he
was never one to look a gift slog in the mouth.  For one thing,
they tend to bite your face off.

*****

     "Well," Hiroshi added in closing, "we may have missed the
fight, but the result is clear - Mister Satan has soundly
defeated Naga the Black Serpent, with barely a scratch on him."
     "No less than we could expect from a man of his skill,"
Daisuke agreed, a bit more enthusiastically than he'd intended. 
"At any rate, that's it for this week's edition of Ultra."
     "See you next time, and Keep the Home Fries Burning!"
     There was a brief pause, then: "...what?"
     "I'm trying to come up with an ending tag line."
     "Keep the Home Fries Burning?"
     "Well, yeah."
     Daisuke shrugged.  "Suit yourself, but I'm not going to eat
them after they're burned."
     "Just... work with me here, okay?"

*****

     Zenigata, now a broken man, left the UltraDome to return to
his eternal search for a certain wiry thief.  Kasumi watched him
go from the huge window in her office at the top of the Dome.
     "That was close," said a voice behind her.  "He almost
figured it out."
     Kasumi nodded, not bothering to turn around.
     "You *do* realize that Mister Satan would be hard-pressed to
beat Dan, let alone the Orochi?"
     She nodded again.  "But he's done what I brought him here to
do - even if he never fights again, it will have been worth it."
     "That's true, I suppose."  Her 'guest' sat down on a couch,
stretching out comfortably.
     Kasumi allowed a small frown to mar her expression.  "Was
knocking out Sakura really necessary?"
     "What else could I have done?" her guest asked rhetorically. 
"David couldn't kidnap her, but we needed to let the Orochi have
her, in order to bring the cyborg out of hiding.  You know that."
     "Yes.  I know."  She turned around.  "But I really don't
approve of your methods.  You should try to be nicer."
     He chuckled.  "You know, sometimes I'm not sure whether
you're as pleasant and innocent as you seem to be... or whether
you're a worse trickster than I am."
     Kasumi giggled.  "That... is a secret!"
     Her guest grinned in response.  She was *his* kind of
supreme being.

= = = = =

ULTRA 9 RECAP

][ HIROSHI contacts Bursar's Disease
][ LUMI-CHAN blows up SHIN DAN - no status changes
][ MR. DUCK elaborates on his vast seven-step plan to dominate
Ultra
][ HIROSHI returns to what passes for normal
][ Many Star Wars in-jokes are made
][ CLAN AENSLAND joins SEX AND VIOLENCE
][ SAKURA defeats RANMA, now at 4W/0L and GAMMA CHAMPION
][ RYU, KEN, and SAKURA form the SPIRIT OF SHOTOKAN stable
][ JUSENKYO SURVIVORS defeat TEAM HENTAI by disqualification, now
at 1W/1L
][ SEPHIROTH gets a new 'do
][ MISTER SATAN arrives as a new Omega fighter
][ WASYUU defeats SEPHIROTH, now at 3W/1L and OMEGA CHAMPION
][ MISTER SATAN mysteriously defeats NAGA THE BLACK SERPENT, now
at 1W/0L

= = = = =

AUTHOR'S NOTES

     I didn't set off to have two title changeovers, really I
didn't.  It's just that I'd already planned the Wasyuu/Seffie
match, and... it turned out that way.
     Anyway.
     Yes, I might be obsessing a bit on Street Fighter at the
moment.  I got SFA3 recently, and I've been using it to relax
between spurts of writing.  Fun game, by the way.
     As for Mister Satan... well, the idea hit me, and I had to
go with it.  I don't much mind if he gets tossed by the wayside. 
Nuke him in UltraRage if you are of a mind to.

     See you next time!