"Package for Ash Ketchum!" "What, for me?" The aspiring Pokemon Master hopped up from his desk, leaving a polishing rag and half a dozen red and white balls behind. "But I'm just getting ready for the fight..." "Just sign here, young man. Somebody sent it express mail. It must be important." "Well, okay..." Ash didn't pay attention as the carrot-topped delivery man left the room. He was too busy ripping open a small box, wrapped in brown paper. Inside was a standard-sized data cartridge. And a note. - Update to your Pokedex included. Considering, I thought it might come in handy. Doc. He smiled, plugged the cartridge into his small computer (which looked suspiciously like a Game Boy), and started leafing through the new files. Pokemon training was never dull. Give the guys half a chance and they'd evolve on you while your back was turned. LIVE! FROM THE ULTRADOME! THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AND IMPROFANFIC! IT'S TIME FOR... { M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R } { F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic } Chapter 10: Sunday Evening Blasphemy Author: Andy Kent, "Avatar" Hiroshi grabbed his microphone and brought it up to his mouth, blasting his voice at a hundred and twenty decibels through the stadium. "ARE WE READY FOR SOME ACTION?!" A wordless roar erupted from the crowd, literally causing the portable Richter scale on the announcer's desk to register .91. "THAT'S GOOD! Because tonight, for -your- viewing pleasure (and incidentally as mandated by Kasumi-sama), we have a real COMBAT EXTRAVAGANZA! Isn't that right, Daisuke!" Hiroshi didn't quite ask. The shouting and stomping got even louder, if that was possible, and Daisuke checked his earplugs one more time. "Yeah, even I have to admit that this lineup should be fun." "First, we have a special GRUDGE REMATCH! More fights in both Lambda and Gamma divisions! And count 'em, not ONE, not TWO, but THREE high- intensity Omega bouts of destruction, including a title challenge!!" The crowd failed to shout more loudly at this, because the fight card had been printed on their tickets, on posters on the wall, and advertised in a media blitz more intense than a snowstorm, and also because when you're already screaming at the top of your lungs and waving around your "Mai and Andy forever!" foam hand, what else can you do? "Plus more coverage of next week's UltraRage Pay-Per-View event, interviews, commercials, and general wackiness." Daisuke got up to leave. "Later, Hiroshi." "WHAT?!! You can't abandon me now! We've got a show to do!" Hiroshi shouted, not realizing that he was still holding the microphone. Daisuke chuckled. "What, didn't I tell you? I'm off this week." "But... but... I can't do this by myself! My voice'll give out before we get halfway down the card!" The crowd noise had died down some at this point. Ever since people have been made to wait for feature entertainment, clowns have been popular. "Don't worry... I managed to convince Kasumi-sama to send you a replacement. Six replacements, actually... a different one for each fight! Be good now." As Daisuke headed for the exit, Hiroshi frantically waved his microphone. "Hey, folks, is this guy great or what? Let's give it up for Daisuke!" Another cheer followed, slightly muted in intensity. After all, guest announcers are cool, but not as cool as upcoming chaos and destruction. /// Nabiki shrugged and shuffled through the pile of CDs again. "Sorry, it's just not here." "But... I -have- to have my opening music!" "Tough luck, goof." "No, you don't understand! How can I keep up my self-image if I don't have an appropriate ambiance?" "You could try -winning-." "Aargh!" "Look, the unpleasant schtick was getting old with the audiences anyway. Just go out there and lose humiliatingly, but see if you can't stretch it out a bit longer this time, okay? The sponsors'll get pissed otherwise." "But... what am I going to do? I don't have any..." "Here's another Weird Al CD. I'll improvise. Now get moving, you're up!" /// "Now, for our first fight of the evening... a special GRUDGE REMATCH! But before that..." Hiroshi paused, letting the tension build up almost (but not quite) to the point where irate fans threw beer cups, and said, "Let me introduce our first guest announcer! Folks, you all know Karin Kanzuki, right?" Dead silence. "C'mon, she took a helicopter through the roof a couple of weeks ago!" The crowd exploded in a chorus of "Oh, -that- Karin", "now I know who you mean", "you're joking, right?" and other assorted comments. Hiroshi sweatdropped. "Well, give her a warm welcome anyway, will ya? She -is- in the Newcomer's Invitational next week, after all." At that, a girl dressed in a school uniform, with black bicycle shorts showing underneath the short skirt and a hairstyle that had to have been inherited from Martina, strolled out of the announcer's exit and sat down at the table. She lifted one hand, so that the back was facing her mouth. "Oh, hell, HIT THE DECK!" Hiroshi crawled underneath the announcer's table. "OH ho ho ho ho!" Karin laughed, in the fashion of Naga's patented 'laugh of doom', but lacking in penetration and thus merely annoying. "So glad to be here. Once I've won, I absolutely -have- to challenge Sakura for the belt! You all want to see that, don't you?" The crowd roared. After all, it didn't matter -who- Sakura was smacking around... fans are happy when fan favorites fight. Karin basked for a second, and then grabbed the microphone. "Welcome, people, to the special GRUDGE rematch bout!" "Which," Hiroshi added, "is the exact same match as last week, which means that all we have to do is pop in a video tape and... no? They're actually going to fight it out? Just kidding, folks, a little announcer humor there. And, just to be safe, we've extracted a promise from Karin NOT to interfere with the fight, so we'll be sure to have a winner this time!" "Oh ho ho," Karin mouthed into the microphone, her tone making it clear that she wasn't actually laughing. "I'd rather not touch either of them, personally." "Of course, while it -is- a GRUDGE rematch, the rules are actually exactly the same as for the normal fights! But these fighters want a piece of each other SO BADLY that one fight just wasn't enough to satisfy them!" "And the administrators made it clear that they wanted it pronounced GRUDGE, not grudge. Capital GRUDGE!" "Oy, Karin, they didn't have to know that..." Hiroshi sweatdropped. "ANYWAY, our first fighter... hailing from wherever bad puns come from... a man of truly unpleasant intent... STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI! C'mon, folks, LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMMMMBLE!" From the rafter's incredibly powerful sound system, the opening chords (and I do use the term loosely) of Weird Al's "Everything You Know Is Wrong" blared. Somebody in the crowd chanted, "One! Two! THREE!", and thirty men in pink fighting gi leapt from the fighter's entrance. Simultaneously, all of them turned somersaults, rolled, and came up with a shout of "OOSHA OOSHA!" Two of them tripped over each other and sprawled on the floor. Dan strolled out, pushed his way through the crowd of demented supporters, and climbed into the ring. "And Dan provides us with... a perfectly normal entrance! He didn't even mook for the cameras!" Karin's eyes bugged. "That is -not- like him. Maybe he's ill?" "And he looks different, too! What gives?" Hiroshi asked the crowd. Indeed, Dan did look different. For one, his sickly pink aura was nowhere in evidence. Neither was there a flaming smiley on the back of his gi. In fact, his air of undefined and subconscious irritation was completely lacking. Instead of the unsettlingly frightening pink-clad loser that had come to dominate the floor of the canvas, there stood... a pink-clad loser. And he was scowling. "It would seem that Dan has chosen to fight the rematch WITHOUT his Unpleasant Intent! Is he... insane?" "HELL YEAH!" came the roar from the crowd. "Let's just introduce the other fighter, shall we?" Karin cleared her throat. "Last week's winner... well, if things hadn't been interrupted... and long-time rival... hailing from the United States... Ken Masters!" The crowd exploded in cheers as the ever-popular Shotokan-style fighter made his way to the ring, pausing to slap hands along the side of the lane. Climbing through the ropes, Ken ostentatiously popped his knuckles and shook his joints loose. FIGHT ONE: KEN MASTERS VS. "STONE COLD" DAN HIBIKI The crowd died down as Ken motioned for the referee's microphone. "Hey, everybody! Glad to be here! Fighting! Again!" A pause, while the crowd put in an obligatory cheer. "But... I've got something that I want to say first! "First off, don't think that I'm fighting Dan again just because I want to fatten my record up! Really! It's just that I can't feel right about turning down a challenge... and I can't lay off until we actually fight for real! Is that wrong?" A chorus of "no!" followed. "Damn right! I -do- intend to take the belt! Even if I have to fight Sakura for it!" "No way! I'm going to fight Sakura-" Karin's voice dropped off as Dan hopped over the top rope, snatched the microphone out of her hand, and slid back in the ring. "You're forgetting somebody, aren't you, Ken? Let's fight! ORYAA!" Ken sneered at his opponent. "Oh, right, like this hasn't already been decided? I smacked you last week but good, right? And you can't even get up for the fight! Or are you planning to try the 'Snarling Chipmunk Leaping On A Pile Of Garbage' this time?" "That's 'Roaring Tiger Leaping on The Mountain of Shrieking Tengu', jerk! And no, I'm having problems with the Unpleasant Intent tonight, okay? But that doesn't matter, because I AM DAN, and even without any tricks, I AM -STILL- mighty!!" "Quit spewing that crap! You've never beat anybody in your life but other losers!" "Take that back! In the last tournament, which they didn't even invite you to, it took Kami-sama HERSELF to defeat me!" "Oh, like that's anything to be proud about?" /// Nabiki quickly tossed a glance at her sister, the Omnipotent One. On the booth's television screen, Ken continued. "So she won the tournament! Big hairy deal! She never actually fought once! A staredown, a tea ceremony, a bouncing schizophrenic... and of course -you- managed to lose somehow... and then to top it off, a fraggin' BAKE-OFF!" "Hey, neechan..." "I mean, it's perfectly obvious that the whole thing was rigged!" Ken shouted, unconsciously echoing the sentiments of many a spectator of the original Beta tournament. "Ha! Now I know why you lost! Somebody paid you to take a fall! Izzat it, Danny boy?" "I'm sure he didn't mean it, neechan... don't look at him like that..." Dan's eyes bulged, and spittle flew from his mouth and onto a few lucky front-row spectators as he vigorously shook his head in denial. "You... you accuse me of THROWING A MATCH? I can't forgive that! Now, I shall demonstrate the TRUE WRATH THAT IS DAN!" Nabiki tore her eyes away from the posturing idiot and looked with concern at Kasumi. There was no cutesy little smile on her face. The eyes did not hold their usual air of blank benevolence. In fact, there was no expression there at all. It was a face suitable for smiting, plagues, and lightning bolts from the heavens. And, as soon as that thought went through her head, Nabiki blinked, and when her eyes opened again, Kasumi was beaming. "Do your best, Dan!" she said, apparently to the television screen in the booth. "Um, neechan," Nabiki said, sweatdropping, "it's a one-way television." "But he's such a nice boy. And so enthusiastic!" /// The two fighters touched hands at the middle of the ring, none too gently, and retreated to their corners. The referee, knowing bad blood when he saw it, slinked behind one of the posts. "And we're ready to start, here at the UltraDome!" Hiroshi bellowed. "And if there wasn't enough of a grudge to start with, there's one hell of a grudge now!" "You didn't say GRUDGE, Hiroshi," Karin smirked. "Well, no, I was just talking about the grudge, not the GRUDGE REMATCH! You see?" "Shut up about the GRUDGE, it's starting." In his corner, Dan stared at his opponent. The feelings surging through him were unfamiliar. Nowhere was his urge to demonstrate an opponent's inferiority in humiliating fashion. Even the surging waves of unpleasantness that he commanded paled next to the raw anger that flowed through him. He wouldn't settle for beating Ken over that insult. He was going to break the man like an overly large vase in a Jackie Chan film! His head cocked, as if he was listening to something that only he could hear, and then he smiled. At least somebody had faith in him. And they weren't asking much. Dan rolled forward, coming to a stop near the center of the ring, and stood up. He waved a not-very-muscular arm in Ken's general direction. He shouted, "DOSHITA!" Six dozen people, Dan backers all, stood up and wildly cheered. The other ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and thirty or so issued various catcalls and boos. And one person just smiled. "And it seems that Dan is using his signature intro move, the 'useless taunt that leaves you so wide open that your opponent can smack you into the next time zone'," Karin quipped. Hiroshi scratched his head. "And this is different from his other taunts how?" "Well, it can only be done at the beginning of a match, of course! Oh ho." Ken, not particularly in a merciful mood, closed the distance between him and Dan in one blurring leap. The idiot's aura was back, although it was... different? Yeah, a little different. In fact, it wasn't so much an aura as it was a kind of golden glow, and it really only highlighted Dan's head, as if his swelled ego had manifested itself. Take pity on the poor author, folks; this particular special effect is really hard to describe in any medium. For example, several artisans during the Renaissance said 'to hell with it' and rendered it as a golden crescent in stained glass. The first punch came straight in, Ken throwing all of his weight behind the shoulder in a single roundhouse, and took Dan not at all surprisingly off guard. The pink-geared fighter stumbled back a few steps, and patted his face once or twice. "That's right, you polychromatic freak, it's still there, and ugly as ever," Ken said. "Here, let me try a few more!" "But..." Dan blurted, before he was force-fed another knuckle sandwich. Hiroshi winced as Ken began a vicious assault on the other fighter. "Dang, that has to really hurt." "I'm surprised that Dan's just standing there and taking it. He usually at least tries a few moves..." "Karin, it's a miracle that the man's still standing at all!" Ken paused in his flurry of punches, noted that his opponent was still wobbling slightly, and then raised one arm to the fans. "ONE!" he shouted, as he pumped his right hand downward and into his first signature move. "Oh, now he's using the Shoryuu Reppa!" Karin shouted. The repeated Dragon Uppercuts caught Dan full in the chest and blew him against the ropes, leaving him to stumble back towards the other fighter. Ken again raised his hand and shouted, "TWO!" "It seems that Ken's fighting this one by the numbers!" Hiroshi shouted, barely able to be heard over the cheering crowd, as Ken repeatedly kicked Dan, even spinning around in flames and launching the other combatant into the air. Even before he landed, Ken had his fist outstretched in the air again, and this time the entire crowd chanted the "THREE!" with him as one. Upon touching the ground, Ken exploded upward, wrapped in a pillar of flames, his fist buried in Dan's sternum. Ken landed. Dan, whose upward flight was inhibited by several dangling wires and support beams, landed a moment later, securely on his rear. The crowd erupted in wild paroxysms of cheering. "And a completely one-sided battle! There won't be another rematch of this one, folks," Hiroshi said. "Um..." "And just look at the great highlight reel footage! Hey, Karin, why isn't the ref counting yet?" "Um... Dan's... getting back up!" "OH MY GOD! And I thought that he was just sub-human, not inhuman! What kind of being could take that much punishment?" Dan stood up, brushed the ceiling dust off of his gi, and patted himself. Amazingly, everything was still in place. More amazingly, he was still conscious. And most amazingly, it didn't even hurt. Much. "HAAAAA!" Dan shouted. "Your attacks are as NOTHING! My special training has rendered me invulnerable to your pathetic weakling assault!" Ken stopped waving to his fans and looked at Dan. "How... how in hell are you still up, you loser?! What special training?" "This morning, I stood underneath the COLD WATER FAUCET in the shower for TWENTY MINUTES! After watching an entire half hour of the morning aerobics!" Half the arena nodded and said, "Me, too", before being smacked by the other half. Dan walked across the ring, golden light trailing from his head like a really cheesy episode of Touched By an Angel, and swung his arm at Ken. "GADOUKEN!" Instead of the teeny wavering puffball that this move had produced on every attempt to date, a roaring blue dragon of fire extended from Dan's outstretched hand and immolated the blond martial artist. As he rolled on the canvas, trying to put himself out, Dan stared at his arm as if he'd never seen it before. "Cool," he said. "Wonder if it works on anything else... GORYUKEN!" Ken, just standing from the stream of superheated ki fire, was nowhere near Dan's uppercut leap; however, the strike generated some sort of compression shockwave, which blew him eight feet high and flattened him to the mat. "You called ME a loser?!" Dan shouted, picking up the dazed and confused fighter by a handful of red gi. "Looks like you're losing now! In fact, you're losing SO BADLY that I can finally try... THIS!" Dan tossed Ken aside, spread his feet in a wide stance, and grunted. And grunted again. Then, just as his facial expression had changed from exultation to constipation... "FINAL SUPER LEGENDARY EXTRA-MANLY DAN KICKS ASS TAUNT!" Dan's arms flexed, brought before his body in a poor parody of the ever-popular Hanz and Franz, and the entire ring exploded in a burst of blue-white energy. Fans in the front row (and the two intrepid announcers) shielded their eyes, and for seconds afterwards blinked furiously to try to erase the glowing image of Dan from their retinas. Ken lay unconscious, a large bump on his head where he was blown into one of the turnbuckles. Aside from the six dozen Dan supporters, who were all staring and cheering, the arena was dead silent. Hiroshi was the first one to regain his senses. "That... was improbable. I can't believe my eyes. I'm not sure that I want to!" "Was that the true wrath of Dan?" Karin asked in a whisper. In the center of the ring, Dan thrust one arm in front of him and flexed, tears running down his face. "OYAJIIIIIII!" he cried. The golden aura died out, unnoticed. /// "Neechan, I can't believe you just did that!" Kasumi giggled. "Do what?" /// Rally picked up her cellular phone on the first ring. "Bean, you're late," she said, dispensing with the pleasantries. "I'll be there in... ten minutes, call it." The improbably muscular man's voice was nearly covered by the whine of a 302 Mustang engine. "There's just a little..." "Oh, don't tell me. You went and got lunch. Dammit, I told you that you'd just attract attention!" "How was I supposed to know... hang on a second." Rally heard Bean's phone drop to the leather seat, followed quickly by a change in the whine of the engine, as if he had... She yanked her phone from her ear just in time. Even pointing the receiver in the other direction, she could still hear the crashing sound of Bean's car as it landed from a jump. "How was I supposed to know that Percy would be staking out the KFC? He never touches the stuff at home." "YOU never touch the stuff at home!" "Yeah, but I couldn't find any barbecued ribs. Lay off, already. Just tell 'em to give me a later match. S'not like the loudmouth'll care anyway, right?" "I swear, it's not worth it working with you, sometimes, Bean." He snorted. "Hey, you know as well as I do that I've got a pardon riding on this. Can you think of anything that would hack ol' Percy off more? Can you?" "One or two things, but nothing that you'd want to do..." Rally suppressed a giggle. "Just don't get caught, okay?" "Please. Percy is Percy, but his backup is just pathetic. You'd think nobody drove muscle cars over here." "Nobody does." "Oh, hell, right. Be there in... make that eleven minutes. They've got another roadblock up. Bye." Rally ran a hand through her hair and fumed. Honestly. If the man had been one whit less skilled of a driver, she wouldn't put up with his crap. One whit! Of course, if the half-wit was half a whit less skilled, he'd be dead several times over. And he wasn't usually this annoying. It must be the pardon. His record had never bothered him before - after all, nobody could catch him to lock him up - but you couldn't exactly settle down with a rap sheet a quarter-mile long. "Settle down?" she asked herself. "What in the hell am I thinking?" /// The camera pans in to show the Ultra ring, surrounded by screaming fans. Shingo lands from a jump, in a segment obviously taped from an earlier bout, and the camera zooms in on his feet. Voice-over: We don't make the canvas. We make the canvas stronger. The scene shifts to a videotape of Tatewaki Kunou, in practice uniform, splitting a concrete pillar in two with his wooden sword. VO: We don't make the bokken. We make the bokken better. A final shot shows Tokyo Tower, obviously right out of a Godzilla flick, collapsing in flames. VO: We didn't make the Tokyo Tower. We're just doing the repairs. VO: BASF, proud sponsor of the UltraRage Tokyo Brawl. /// "And we're BACK! Or should I say, you are." Hiroshi beamed into the camera. "Are we all ready for some three-hundred-and-sixty-degree mayhem? Are we?!" "HELL YEAH!" roared the crowd. "Me too! And I'm going to start it by bringing in my special guest announcer for this match. You know her, you love her, and Nabs tells me that our ratings in the crucial 7-15 market segment spike whenever she's onscreen, so without further ado... SANA KURATA!" "Hiya!" shouted the underage speed rap artist. "It's great to be back! I mean, we all had a blast last time, and I figured why not, school's out and it's a great break from doing commercials... you're looking a lot better than you were last time. You get past the whole death thing?" "Indeed I have, my hyperactive cohort! And just in time, too, because HERE COME THE AMAZONS!" As the first strains of "Lai Lai Boy" came over the speaker system, Shampoo swung the door from the locker room wide, and walked down the lane to the ring. With one hand, she half-dragged her partner, Mousse, making sure that he didn't become distracted or get away. Mousse didn't seem to mind much. After all, in his mind, there was little distance between having her ball your shirt in her hand and having her rip the whole thing off. Upon reaching the ring, Shampoo propped Mousse up by one of the turnbuckles and smacked him over the head. "Stupid blind boy move anywhere, before Shampoo tag, he wake up as sweet and sour duck! Got it?" "No problem, I'll just wait for you right here, dearest," Mousse declaimed to the turnbuckle. "Close enough," Shampoo sighed, before climbing between the ropes herself. Sana waved an accusing finger. "LOSERS! Watch as the most pathetic team in Lambda shows up for a match! I'm surprised they didn't turn tail and run first!" "Actually," Hiroshi corrected, "They've got a one-and-one record, which puts them up over our OTHER team... which, technically, are the most pathetic losers in Lambda. But let's hear it for Pikachu and Ash Ketchum anyway, folks!" "PIKA!" (translation: "Worship me, my legions!") A furry yellow rodent-like being, wearing an outrageously large pair of sunglasses, jumped up on the announcer's table, made a few quick boxing-style motions, and then sprang back before Sana could belt him with the bell. A slightly red-faced Ash followed, scooping up the frisky Pokemon. "BAKA!" Sana waved the bell menacingly. "Aren't there leash laws or something? Get that ugly little rat out of my face!" "Gee, Sana, you'd think you were more used to the thought of domestic rodents." Hiroshi shrugged. "So, who are you going to be unreasonably biased towards today?" "Who said I'm unreasonably biased? I just don't like icky evil perverts or Chinese man-eaters or rats. Besides, I'm kind of in a grumpy mood." "Do tell." Sana's eyes collected small drops at each corner. "Well, last time I came here they told me there'd be all kinds of explosions and stuff! And there wasn't, but that was okay because we had a pretty good jam session, even if you were mostly quiet... b- but today there's nothing but bonbori and Bulbasaurs! Where's the chaos? Where's the excitement?" "Right here, of course!" Hiroshi said, enthusiastically. "Don't worry. They oughta get into it pretty good." " If you say so..." Meanwhile, Ash stepped into the ring, picked Pikachu up by the scruff of his neck, and set him down outside the ring. "Chuu?" it asked. (translation: "Are you out of your skull?") "Don't worry, little buddy, I didn't forget you. But I saw these guys last week. Just follow my lead, okay? "Pika pika..." (translation: "Your call, I suppose.") FIGHT TWO: ASH KETCHUM AND PIKACHU VS. SHAMPOO AND MOUSSE "Hmpf. Shampoo hurt little boy, don't cry to Shampoo," the Amazon said contemptuously. "Don't count me out yet, baachan." Ash turned his cap backwards on his head and grabbed a pokeball off of his belt. "Let's see how you stand up to Butterfree! GO!" As the two-tone orb hit the canvas, it split open, and disgorged a giant floating butterfly in a flash of light. "Butterfree! Sleep dust attack!" Immediately, Shampoo was covered in iridescent golden dust. She smiled inwardly. "Got to wake up pretty early in morning to put one over on Shampoo. Stupid bug no match for hibaachan's special broad-spectrum antidote. Right, Mousse?" The young man answered with a snore, draped over the turnbuckle. "Of all stupid things..." Immediately, Shampoo threw both of her bonbori, the circular metal spheres crashing into the Butterfree and Mousse's head. She then advanced on Ash. "Give up, or Shampoo do to you what Shampoo did to the bug!" "Oh, joy. Sleep dust. Booooring," Sana intoned. "Pass the sugary snacks." " I think... that I inhaled some by acci... " Hiroshi said, as he slumped over the announcer's table. Unseen, the referee - while proof against many kinds of hallucinogens, from long experience in consuming odd mushrooms - also drifted off into slumber. In a remote section of the stadium, standing in front of a section of seats to which the term 'nosebleed' would be a compliment, Jack pumped his arms up and down. "Come on! Chant with me! Chant with the duck!" The crowd, which could barely see the fight anyway, eventually complied. Ash gulped. It had only taken a second to recover the injured Butterfree, but that was the least of his problems at this point. He was a Pokemon trainer. He trained Pokemon. This involved a lot of specialized training in Pokemon use, and training in Pokemon care, and so other areas of training had inevitably suffered. He wished now that he'd taken a refresher course in 'How not to get every bone in your body smashed 1131'. Then, just before the grinning Shampoo reached him to deliver heaven's punishment, he heard a chant coming from somewhere in the arena. It quickly spread, as chants are wont to do, until a hundred and fifty thousand people were all shouting at him to do the same thing. "USE THE SQUIRTLE! USE THE SQUIRTLE!" Heck with it. It's not like he had a whole lot of other options at this point. "Well," Ash said, "don't let it ever be said that I didn't please the crowd. SQUIRTLE, DO IT!" Shampoo looked at the squat reptile that the boy had conjured. "Little boy want Shampoo to hurt all his pets, Shampoo no mind," she threatened, one hand curling into a fist. "Squirtle! Water gun attack!" It's a shame, really. Ash didn't use the Squirtle much, preferring the skills of Pikachu or Bulbasaur, and thus he hadn't bothered to train Squirtle all that much. And now, Squirtle found himself trapped in a strange place with strangers all around, most of them chanting his name. And he'd never seen bright lights flashing in that particular pattern before. So, naturally, he fell over in epileptic shock. "What this dumb thing doing?" Shampoo asked, prodding it with her foot. Immediately, it bounced into the air and reflexively did, well, what Squirtles did best. That is, it squirted her. With an amount of water that ordinarily is delivered by firefighting equipment. "MREOWR!" the thoroughly soaked Shampoo yowled. She tried to arch her back and look menacing, but wet fur doesn't bristle well. Unfortunately, the Squirtle was still undergoing spasms. A stream of water arced out into the crowd. Then another. And another. Mousse hooked a leg over the top rope. "Don't worry, Shampoo, I will save yaaaaaaawk!" Another blast of water left behind a soggy duck. "Hmmpf... whaOH GODDESS ABOVE THAT'S -COLD-!" Hiroshi yelled. "What happened?" Sana's eyes bulged out when she saw the transformations. "Hey, cool! Nobody ever said that the kid knew magic curses! I mean, sure, he was supposed to be good at conjuring, although it's not like he walks around with a magic circle or anything, unless those little balls count somehow, I'm not really sure... you're not stunned!" "What a development!" Hiroshi continued, Sana's patter running off of him like the water had off of Mousse. "It seems that Ash came prepared to attack his enemy's weakest point!" The young Pokemon trainer mercifully recalled the twitching Squirtle and scratched the back of his head. "Um, it was kind of an accident!" Turning, he saw his drenched opposition. Nothing had prepared him for the true horrors of the Jusenkyou curse. "COOL!" he shouted, digging frantically in one pocket. "I could have sworn that I saw them in there..." Quickly, he produced his Pokedex, and frantically pushed buttons. "Shampoo.This.feline.Pokemon.is.nasty.short.tempered.and.resistant.to. psychic.type.attacks.Very.rare. Mousse.This.avian.Pokemon.is.a.master. of.the.art.of.hidden.weapons.and.also.resistant.to.psychic.types." "Sweet!" Ash quickly grabbed a third Pokeball and tossed it into the arena. "Gotta soften them up first, though. Bulbasaur, GO!" Neko-Shampoo looked up. And up. And up. While the cute plant-type Pokemon wasn't quite human-size, even compared to a short one like Ash, it was a heck of a lot larger than a soaking-wet cat. And almost as mean. A few quick bashes later, and Ash had her imprisoned in a spare Pokeball. "Quack!" Mousse launched himself into the ring, his wings spread wide to reveal a dozen explosive balls. Ash covered his face with his arms and took the brunt of the assault, which was enough to knock him sagging against the lower rope. "Pika!?" (translation: "Hey, meal ticket, you okay?") Pikachu wrung his paws for a moment, looking at Ash's stunned form. Then Ash opened one eye and winked, and held out a hand. Pikachu knew what to do in this sort of situation. The two tagged, and Ash slid out of the ring while Pikachu jumped inside, fur standing on end from static repulsion. "And now Pikachu faces off against Mousse! It just keeps getting better and better!" Sana sweatdropped. "It's a cock fight! No, it's a pit fight! Or maybe both, huh? Gee, I hope that the ASPCA is okay with this... Immediately, the transformed Chinese boy launched his second deadly assault, hurling a dozen knives at his cowardly opponent. Why, he'd taken cover outside of the ring! "Hiroshi, I'm just going to stay down here where it's safe," Sana said, cowering under the announcer's table, where Mousse's arsenal had buried itself deep into the simulated wood. "I think I'll stay down here too. Death kind of sucked... and so does Mousse's aim!" The avian adjusted his glasses, realizing his mistake, at the exact moment before a berserk Pikachu jumped up and hit him in the rear. "Pika chu chuu!" it shouted, unintelligibly. "And Pikachu gooses the duck!" Hiroshi said. Sana immediately produced a squeaky hammer and viciously beat him around the head and shoulders. Mousse took off like he was rocket-propelled, flying a circuit around the ring before zeroing in on his yellow opponent. Reaching even deeper into his bag of tricks without the benefit of opposable thumbs, he launched a barrage of chains at the little brute, ensnaring it completely. "Pikachu! Thundershock NOW!" Ash shouted in triumph. The Pokemon screamed, "PIKA CHU!" (translation: "you'll get a charge out of this!") and released a large amount of electrical current... all of which traveled up Mousse's metal chains and eventually into a wet duck. The smell of roasting feathers filled the arena. Ash smiled, hi-fived his partner, and snared Mousse in another empty Pokeball. "WOW!" Sana shouted. "I can't believe it! The fight actually didn't stink! Except for the part where the duck tried to make me into a pincushion. That wasn't very nice of him at all. He deserved what he got, that's for sure." "Yeah, well, you're probably right. Aren't you going to sing about it?" "Oh! Yeah! That's a great idea! But I can't... a Miss Bonne took all of my music stuff and told me that I couldn't have it back until after the match! I hope she's taking good care of it..." Hiroshi smiled, and recalled the diminutive Head of UltraDome Security. Tron Bonne was... well, she was excitable, and emotional, and absent- minded... in fact, if you took Constable Odo's personality and ran it through a reversing device, Miss Bonne would be what popped out. (Hiroshi was a closet Deep Space Nine freak. Very far in the closet.) But even her army of annoyingly useless Lego Men couldn't overshadow her most useful trait, from Hiroshi's perspective, and that was a complete willingness to be bribed into anything. Heh. Ash came over to the announcer's table. "So, do I win?" Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah, well, seeing as you knocked out the referee, I'll do the honors. LADEEEZ and GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A WINNER!" Pikachu looked smug. "Pika-chuuuuu." (translation: "Bitchin'.") "Figures. The cowards! How could they just abandon their Pokemon like that?!" Ash scowled. "They must be the lowest of the low!" The arena collectively facefaulted, setting off a minor earth tremor. /// "What was that?" Ranma asked. "Felt like an earthquake." "Quiet, son-in-law. You've still got days more of training before you're done." "Sheesh. All this because I fell off a stupid chain?" "Fool! All this because you're too blind to see that a girl can be more skilled than you! You'd think that you'd have learned better by now!" "But I can't just fight a girl!" Cologne grew angry. "We've been fighting for three days straight now. What in the hell do you call me?" "But you're not a girl, you're... ow! Hey!" "We'll have your attitude adjusted properly by the time you become Shampoo's husband, boy! If you don't learn to fight girls, you're not fit to call yourself a martial artist!" "Shut up and fight me, you old bat!" "That's more like it, son-in-law! Let's continue!" "I wonder... ooof... how the others are doing?" /// Scene: A seedy bar. The camera centers on two men, both seated at a table with their backs to the camera. One is short, and dressed in a white shirt and black slacks; he has a bandana tied around his head. The other is taller, wears glasses, a dark suit, and a beard. Both are lifting huge mugs of beer. "No kidding? AND her mom?" "You betcha, son!" The older man took a swig of his beer. "Damn, Dad, that's the bomb." The young man follows suit. "What about you, eh? Heard that you're having problems with yours!" As the boy half-turns, we can see a piece of surgical tape across the bridge of his nose, but the shadows are still too deep to clearly see their faces. "Aw, she's a firebrand, she'll come around. But the other one's better, anyway. More stacked, too." "Son," the older man said, with a trace of sniffle in his voice, "I'm just so damn proud of you." " I love you, Dad!" The camera switches perspectives, just in time to see Shinji and Gendou Ikari look deeply into each other's eyes and shout, simultaneously, "But you're not getting my Bud Light!" before the whole bar explodes into uproarious laughter. The two drain the rest of their beers. /// Ryu blinked at the man behind the counter. "A thousand yen for a hot dog? That's -criminal-." "Look, headband-boy, you can pay it or leave it. I'm not the hungry one." Ryu felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around. Behind him, a swollen and grinning Ken held out a pair of large bills. "Figured you might be a bit short, so I dragged myself out early." "I mean, good lord! I can eat for a week on this!" The two Shotokan-style martial artists collected their overpriced snacks and walked away. "C'mon, we've got some stuff set up. I'll take you down to see it... everybody's here!" "What happened to you? You weren't so ugly last week. I thought you were fighting Dan today." Ken shrugged. "I didn't plan on divine intervention. You heard that She was all nice and sweet and everything. I tell you, it's a front. She's like a huge insincere spider." Ryu winced as a light fixture dislodged itself from the ceiling and came plummeting down on Ken's head. "I... think I see..." "So, anyway," Ken continued, as the two walked further into the subterranean depths of the UltraDome's service corridors, "we've virtually got an entire dojo set up down here. There was a bunch of empty space that wasn't getting used, so I said, why the heck not?" Ken ducked into a doorway along the corridor, and Ryu followed... into a rather pleasant warehouse cum training center. A regulation-sized ring filled a quarter of the room. Nearby, a young man was working out, beating a free-hanging bag and looking at his form in a nearby wall- sized mirror. There were weight machines... and a first-aid station... and, more importantly, places to sit and eat. "You did all this?" Ryu blinked. "But it's so... so..." "Well-done?" Both turned at the woman's voice. "Of course you'd be surprised, if Ken did all that by himself..." Eliza stepped out of what seemed to be a closet, half-draped in karate gi of various colors, and winked at her fiancée. "Aww, snookums, you know that muscle-brained ol' me isn't any good with money..." "Hey, you two." Ryu sweatdropped. "Don't make me get a fire hose." They all sat down at a folding table, Ryu choosing the opposite end from the other two so as not to become nauseated by the sugary emanations. After a minute or so, the other young man finished practicing, walked over, and gave Ryu a passable bow. "Good evening, Ryu-sensei." Ryu... sensei? Ryu swallowed, barely able to avoid coating the serious young man's face in a layer of soda, and looked at Ken helplessly. "Um... hi?" "Oh, yeah! Ryu, this is Sean. I've been showing him a few things. Sean, you know Ryu, I guess." "Honored, of course. Ken-sensei, can I go tell the others? Everybody's looking forward to meeting him..." Ryu nearly strangled. "Others? Ken, what does he mean by 'others'?" "Um, I was meaning to tell you... since we've got the Soul of Shotokan established here..." "Spirit of Shotokan," Ryu gently corrected. "Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I figured, if you're going to be here upholding law and order or whatever you've got in mind, you could use some help, huh? So I invited any practitioner of Shotokan that I could find. Cool, huh?" "...practitioner? I thought it was just you and me." "And Sakura. She -is- the champ, you know." "Oh, right, Sakura. Does she count?" Ken shrugged. "She counts if Dan counts. And then there's Sean, there, who ISN'T Dan, by the way. He hates that." "Um... okay." It hadn't occurred to Ryu that Sean resembled Dan in any way, not with his dark skin, different hairstyle, English accent, and all. Well, maybe a bit in the kicks, but they were just rough, not ludicrous. "And Allen came in yesterday, too." Ken started counting on his fingers. "Said that Kairi might make it in today... you remember Kairi, right? He's got that scar? And some guy named Hideo came in, said that he was the successor of Shizuma-style karate, but I swear it's the same moves that we have. The man looked like he was -forty-, for goodness' sake." Ryu went from choking to gasping for air. "Uh... wha... Exactly what are all these people doing -here-? And where did they come from? And what're you going to do with all of them?" "What am -I- going to do with them? You can't weasel out of this one, Ryu, we're in this together." Ken chuckled. "But... I'm still not ready! I'm not even HALF-sure of the true meaning of the fight! I can't settle down and start teaching people things that I don't know myself!" Eliza pointed the end of a chicken strip at Ryu. "Doesn't matter, really, now does it? After all, you have to stay around here anyway if you're going to be helping out Kasumi..." "...I give up..." /// "HEY, folks! We're ready for our third round of crazed apocalyptic madness!" Hiroshi wiped a towel across his forehead. "I don't know about all of you, but if I get any more pumped for this match, I'll explode into a gooey mess! Ain't that right, Daisuke? "Oh, right, Daisuke's not here. Which means that I'm overdue for another guest announcer... so let me introduce the one, the ONLY... BEEEEEAAAAAAN..." A stagehand broke from the announcer's exit, crouched down next to Hiroshi, and whispered something in his ear. "Or maybe not! Folks, Bean's been unavoidably delayed, as we've been informed that no less than forty members of the Tokyo Highway Patrol are attempting to run him in before he gets to the UltraDome. It'll just be a few minutes, natch... but I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER! Send out another announcer!" Once again, the announcer's door banged open. This time, approximately fifteen pounds of spiked black hair rushed out, supported by perhaps eight times that weight of ancient swordsman. "Yes, folks, it's Haohmaru! Here to deliver insightful, witty, and most especially LOUD commentary!" "GREETINGS, TEEMING THRONG OF KIBITZING VOYEURS! I AM CALLED HAOHMARU, AS I AM CERTAIN THAT YOU REMEMBER FROM THE LAST TIME THAT I ADDRESSED THIS GATHERING! I AM TOLD THAT MY DISPLAY OF UNCANNY PROWESS IS NOT SCHEDULED FOR ANOTHER SEVEN DAYS, OR PERHAPS EIGHT, SO IF THE MIGHTY HAOHMARU MIGHT ENQUIRE: FOR WHAT PURPOSE WAS HE SUMMONED, IF NOT TO LAY LOW HORDES OF SHRIEKING FOES?" Hiroshi plugged his microphone back in, not wanting to risk any part of his... partner's discourse getting into the stadium's speakers. He could see the headlines now... "Big Mouth Slays Thousands! Furinkan Student At Fault" and the like. "Well!" he said, out loud, though nothing to compare to Haohmaru's volume. "You're here to share your impressions of the next fight with the crowd!" "HAOHMARU APPROVES! IN THIS MANNER, I MIGHT SPREAD ENLIGHTENMENT OF THE PROPER MEANS OF HONORABLE COMBAT TO ALL THOSE PRESENT THAT ARE FORTUNATE TO HAVE ME HERE! BRING ON THE POWERFUL THOUGH DOUBTLESS INFERIOR FIGHTERS, THAT I MIGHT INSPECT THEIR ABILITIES!" "Sure, no sweat! Although... the next bout is an Omega division fight, so we can't exactly hold it -here-. Especially given these two fighters! We'll introduce them in a second." "VERY WELL! MY BRAVERY IS EASILY SUFFICIENT TO TRAVELING BETWEEN DIMENSIONS YET AGAIN THIS MONTH, AND NO POWER ON HEAVEN OR EARTH SHALL FORCE ME TO WITHDRAW! COME, LET YOUR HENCHMEN DRAPE ME WITH YOUR STRANGE TALISMANS SO THAT YOU MIGHT NOT BE DEPRIVED OF MY INSIGHT AND WISDOM!" "What, microphones? Oh, I'm sure that those things won't be necessary, Haohmaru," Hiroshi said. "Just make sure that you speak up!" /// Lina buckled on her cape, gave a semi-dramatic flourish to make sure that it was properly seated, and sighed. "Neh, Gourry... what am I doing here, huh?" "Well, you're getting ready for a fight... I think..." Gourry scratched his head. "I mean, that's what you said that you were doing when I asked you five minutes ago. What are you asking me for?" "As usual, you miss the point." "Hey, you're the one that asked a trick question." "Not what am I doing RIGHT NOW, you eggplant-head! I mean all this! This isn't like me! I'm not some hired gladiator... I'm Lina Inverse, famed and notorious Bandit Killer!" Gourry nodded, and the impression of a small, dimly lit candle flickered over his head. "Oh, right! I see! You're worried that you haven't killed any bandits lately!" "Yeah, kind of." Lina shrugged. "That's part of it, anyway. I feel like I'm in a rut! I mean, sure, beating up on Naga was fun, real nostalgic and all, but... give me ONE good reason that I should hang around after the fight." "Well, the food's fantastic." "Well, that's a good reason." Lina nearly slavered over the thought of the banquets available in this strange dimension. She was used to two types of excellent eating: exquisite but slim and good 'n' hearty. Never before had she had the opportunity to eat truly gourmet food -in quantity-. "Yeah, I'd miss that. I'd miss that a lot." "And the pay's pretty good too." "But it's in these funny papers! I don't trust money that doesn't taste like money." Gourry shrugged. "Well, I talked to a nice lady while you were fighting last time and she said something about finding a cure for Zelgadis..." "Forget it. The food's good enough anyway." She ran through a last check, making sure that everything was secure. Nothing worse than losing an article of clothing (and perhaps one's modesty as well) in the middle of a fight. "Let's go, Gourry. Oh, and grab my sword, will you?" Gourry nearly went apoplectic. "Lina, I said you could -borrow- it! Once! And even then you wouldn't give it back! I had to steal my own family heirloom back from you!" "Hmmpf. Some gratitude. It's not like they're making YOU fight." /// Kaoru wiped sweat from his forehead, in a completely unnecessary gesture. He never perspired. Heck, if there had been an eleventh commandment, it probably would have read 'never let them see you sweat'. Usually, it never occurred to him. Lord Above - or was that Lady Above? Kasumi-sama had been oddly reticent about mandating any kind of changes in the many and various means of holy addresses - but was he ever busy! It took a lot of work to keep the tournament running. The janitorial staff alone was as large as a football team, and even then a little Divine help was needed to keep things nice and tidy. Kaoru had been placed in charge of finding locations to hold the Omega division's matches, among other things. It wasn't easy. You had to come up with a new planet (because who in their right mind would allow you to come back?), and it would have to have an atmosphere that the contestants could breathe and something approximating the proper amount of gravity. And they had to get the people out, if it was inhabited. They wouldn't -die-, of course, Kasumi-sama would just miracle them away before the match... And then there was next week. Several thousand residents of Tokyo were still holding out; after all, they said, why not demolish some other city? Preferably one far away? Kaoru supposed that they did have a point, not that it made his life easier. He was half tempted to just let the lot of them get trampled and blasted. ..but it was his job, after all. If Kasumi-sama was doing everything by Herself, what was he around for, anyway? Aside from his other tasks, of course. And he did have some amount of pride. "So," asked Lina Inverse, evil sorceress extraordinaire, "where is it this time?" Kaoru cringed slightly, not letting it show, and shrugged. "They call it Cue Ball, in the Beta Lyrae system. Bare rock and high tides and not a whole lot else. Don't fly to the moon, it's solid neutronium." The magic-user gave him an odd look. "What did you say?" "Um, it's neutronium. That's... how do I explain it? It's as dense as matter gets, and if you get near it, it'd squish you flat. There's books on it if you need..." "Hah!" she interrupted. "You thought that you could trick me, didn't you?" Kaoru blinked. This was EXACTLY the sort of thing that he disliked about this job. Lina, for example. She was outwardly a fairly nice young girl... if you forgot about her temper and her tendency to eat enough food to satiate Third World countries. Moreover, she -did- technically draw upon the powers of darkness, regularly, with spectacular results. Like most of the other Angels, Kaoru felt odd about that, rather like he was working with the enemy, "suffering the presence of evil" when before that phrase had a "thou shalt not" at the front end. Never mind that Kasumi-sama had resolved the entire Heaven- Hell split within five days of taking office, and never mind that Beelzebub was actually a blessed fine bridge player and unaccountably polite as well. It just... went against the grain, that's all. "Excuse me?" he asked, trying to recall what tricks he might have played recently. Nothing came to mind. "Oh, you're -really- clever. You outdid yourself this time, Xelloss! I mean, who'd suspect one of the good guys? And you even dress like that wimpy little kid, and you're walking around with your eyes open all the time, as if that wasn't weird enough, and of course your appearance has entirely changed..." Lina waggled her index finger at Kaoru. "But you forgot one thing... your voice!" "My voice?" He reminded himself to ask somebody from the psychological department about paranoia, later. He wasn't qualified to handle this. "What about my voice?" "It sounds -just like it always did-!" Lina's self-satisfied smile collapsed on itself, and she glowered at him. "Exactly what are you up to, you trickster?" "Honestly, I don't have any idea who you're talking about." Kaoru reached one hand out to the side, gripped reality, and twisted. The very fabric of space-time spiraled outward, distended, and inverted itself, until a portal stood shimmering in the air. "Your fight is ready, Inverse-dono. Good luck." "Well, whatever." Lina took a step towards the portal, and then paused. Not turning, she asked, "So who am I fighting today, anyway?" "I'm afraid," Kaoru said, working at his collar with a finger, "that your opponent is... a secret." She levered herself from the floor and wildly flailed her arms in his direction. "See? SEE? -SEE-? I swear, when I get back, I'll SHOW you secrets! Bastard!" Still fuming, Lina strode through the portal. Kaoru sighed. It was a thankless job. But then, they all were. /// "OKAY! We're ready to start our first Omega fight of the night, fans, so make sure that your players are set to 'record'! Haohmaru, my man, tell me how things are looking!" From another dimension, without the aid of communications equipment... "I AM VERY INTERESTED," the not-quite-legendary samurai warrior replied. "THIS WORLD IS STRANGE INDEED. THOSE WHO DESIRE TO LEARN THE TRUE WAY OF THE WARRIOR SHOULD TAKE NOTE, HOWEVER... THIS FIGHT CANNOT BE BUT LEGENDARY." "Why's that?" Haohmaru gestured around him, the huge cliff with sixty-foot waves clearly visible on the arena's screen. "NEVER HAVE I SEEN A LOCATION THAT IS MORE SUITED TO A DUEL IN THE TRADITIONAL STYLE. MUSASHI HIMSELF, MY ONLY EQUAL, WOULD HAVE BEEN PLEASED TO DWELL HERE." Ever hear a crowd collectively snort? It's not pretty. "AH! IT SEEMS THAT THE COMBATANTS HAVE ARRIVED." The camera zoomed in on a pair of figures standing several miles distant, both for the sake of the announcer's well-being and the eardrums of the fighters. "ON MY RIGHT, THE PROPER ENEMY OF ALL WHO LIVE, LINA "DRAGON" INVERSE!" The redheaded poster girl for chaos and destruction waved at the camera drones, flashing "V" signs and drawing a massive cheer. "AND ON MY LEFT, COMMANDER OF THE FOUR LORDS OF HAVOC AND DEFENDER OF THE KINGDOM OF METALLICANA..." Hiroshi's voice broke in. "That's Meta-Rikana, Haohmaru. We're using the Pioneer romanization." "HAOHMARU WILL USE THE ROMANIZATION OF HIS CHOICE, STRIPLING. AS I WAS SAYING, KINGDOM OF METALLICANA... THE LEGENDARY EXPLODER WIZARD, DARK SCHNEIDER!" "WOW!" Hiroshi shouted, almost drowned out by the massive cheer of anticipation. "Talk about your volatile mixtures! What's your read, Haoh?" "WHILE BOTH OF THEM RELY HEAVILY ON THE USE OF FORBIDDEN MAGICKS, AND ARE THUS WEAK AND UNWORTHY OF CHALLENGING ME..." Immediately, flames arced from both wizards and wreathed around Haohmaru's form. Within moments, a well-crisped announcer continued, "...it should be a good fight, hiroshi." /// The two fighters turned to inspect each other. Lina nodded, almost grudgingly. At least this opponent wasn't some ugly gorilla. He had good taste in outfits, if a bit short on ornamentation for any serious magic-user, and the requisite large and impressive- looking sword. Heck, he'd even be handsome if he wasn't looking down his nose like that. "What in hell is -this-?" the man sneered. "Don't tell me that you're my opponent." "And what if I am? Afraid of a little girl, big boy?" "You said it! Look here," Schneider said, beginning to pace back and forth, "I was promised that if I came, I'd get to meet a devastatingly beautiful sorceress with a taste for violence!" Lina visibly preened. "Thanks for the compliment." "Well, where is she?" Schneider grinned at Lina. "All I see is a little girl in tights with a flat chest." The first Flare Arrow passed close enough to his temple to scorch a bit of his white hair. Two others followed it immediately, each arcing just over one of his shoulder plates. Neither of them so much as twitched. Dark Schneider raised his eyebrow. "Well, maybe you did come ready to play after all." "Pretty confident in yourself," Lina retorted. "Of course!... Are we done taunting each other now?" "I'm ready if you're ready." FIGHT THREE: LINA INVERSE VERSUS DARK SCHNEIDER Immediately, both wizards started chanting spells under their breath. Microphones designed to survive nuclear blasts and Haohmaru's voice didn't manage to pick up anything more than a mutter of sound. Dark Schneider was the first to finish his, shouting "RAVEN!" and rising into the sky. A second later, Lina's cry of "RAY WING!" allowed her to follow suit. Not pausing to let Schneider get off another spell, Lina immediately yelled, "DIEM WING!" and aimed a burst of wind at her target. Dark Schneider veered away, his cape fluttering in the wake of the attack. "So... trying to disrupt my flight spell with a wind attack. Not half bad... DAMNED!" DS flung out one hand and sent energy rushing towards the oncoming Lina. She narrowly avoided it in turn, righting herself facing him, both of them almost five hundred feet from the ground. "Haoh, it looks like they're sizing each other up!" Hiroshi said. "INDEED. THEY WISELY CONSERVE THEIR STRENGTH FOR THE FINAL CONFRONTATION." Lina chuckled. They'd never expect this attack! Quickly, she patted one of the Mazoku's amulets, drawing the energy she needed through the special magical amplifiers. "Black Magic?" Dark Schneider chuckled. "Presumption. Why not try... one of my original spells?" Again, the two stared each other down, chanting words in eldritch and spidery languages, calling on powers not normally used by the likes of man... and again, Schneider finished his chant first. "EXODUS!" he shouted triumphantly, as he shot forward in a cone of air heated to plasma. Lina's eyes flashed gold. "LAGUNA BLADE!" Immediately, a solid bar of darkness gathered in her hand, sending out bolts of black lightning. She moved to intercept the other's attack. The two crashed together, the impact sounding thunder in a cloudless sky, and then three figures landed on the cliff's face below. That is to say, one of them landed, as Lina gently came to rest as the neatly severed torso of Dark Schneider crashed to the ground, shortly followed by the man's legs. "-IPPON-!" shouted Haohmaru, loud even dimensions away. "SUCH AN ATTACK DISPLAYS THE TRUE SPIRIT OF THE WARRIOR!" "Whatever happened to saving their energies for a final confrontation?" Hiroshi asked. "THAT CONFRONTATION WASN'T FINAL ENOUGH FOR YOU?" Lina turned, noticed the carnage (feel free to imagine it yourselves), and scratched the back of her head. "Whoops," she said. "Guess I went a little overboard... oh, well, can't be helped now." "INCREDIBLE! Lina divides her opponent in half crosswise! That was... quick!" raved Hiroshi. "What an display of overwhelming power!" The crowd began to quiet as the stadium's speakers relayed creepy laughter. Lina looked around, ready for a new attack. Mist, not present before, wrapped around the corpse. Then, within seconds, Dark Schneider emerged from the mist, which quickly dissipated in the harsh light. His head was cocked back, and he laughed wildly to the sky. "What the hell...? Hey, time out, no fair! How can I win if he doesn't stay dead?" Lina shrieked in disbelief. The air in front of her distorted, and then... "Well, he wasn't down for a twenty count," calmly replied Goku, resident Omega League referee. "That wasn't twenty seconds?" "Fifteen and a half," the Saiyan said, with the long-suffering look of second-guessed officials everywhere. "Damn." Lina cracked her knuckles. "Guess I'll just have to do things the old-fashioned way." "Hey, girl!" Dark Schneider held an arm to his belly, exposing a clean slash in his tunic. "Wasn't that just a little extreme for a friendly match?" Lina tossed a lock of hair over her shoulder. "What, you expected me to use my weakest, then next strongest, then next strongest attack, all the way up? That really would be cliché, don't you think?" "Well, if you're going to fight me seriously," he continued, "I don't have any choice but to respond in kind. It's too bad, really. I don't ordinarily like fighting cute little things!" "Y-Y-YOU!" Lina scowled. "You think that I could forgive that breast crack so easily? I'm going to break you in half! Again!" "Welcome to try! SODOM!" With that, the battle was joined. The two fighters swirled around each other like leaves caught in a tornado. Fire left black and sooty marks on bare rock and turned crashing waves into steam; water arced from the seas in great columns, and was torn into small puddles by contesting winds; the ground itself rose up and clashed in parody of the battle. One word broke into the mind of the announcer. "COOL!" Haohmaru said. Lina touched down, cape rent into ribbons and costume gashed in several places (none of them in any way, shape, or form in any danger of revealing anything, naturally), and caught her breath. It was obvious that this guy could catch anything that she was capable of throwing, from the Shamanist arts. And Dark Magic wasn't going to do her much good... anything that survived a Laguna Blade was going to live through just about anything short of a Giga Slave, and that -was- too extreme to use for a sports match. Probably. Schneider touched down on a nearby outcropping, dropping to one knee and panting. "Maybe... I should have... taken you more seriously!" "Really?" Lina asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. "You know, you're not the first person to tell me that..." "Heh." DS brought both of his hands in front of him, making a complex gesture in her direction. "I've still got one good..." "FLARE LANCE!" The fire that spewed from Lina's hands wrapped around Dark Schneider, obscuring him from view, and then died out just as suddenly. Lina grinned, pleased that she managed to get a shot past his defenses, and then made two discoveries. One: Dark Schneider was apparently fireproof. Two: His clothing was most definitely not. Schneider laughed. "Ah, nothing like the fresh spring breeze!" "You BAKA!" Lina shouted, peeking from behind her hands. "Go put something on, you exhibitionist freak!" Slowly, she lowered her hands, her jaw going slack. "A... ano..." "That's right! Bet it's the first time that you've seen one of... hey, come on, there's no reason to stare at it like AAAAAAAH!" he screamed, glancing down to his waist level to find nothing but a floating black spot. "I... you... AAAAAAH!" Lina was still too stunned to respond. "Give that -back-, you little... hey." Schneider's hands felt around inside the darkness, finding things that are not proper for mentioning in this format, and his expression changed from horrified to incredulous. "Everything's still... um... what in hell is going on?" "I... I... never mind. I didn't do it!" Lina shouted. /// "Hey, neechan, we've got our own censors for that sort of thing. No need to censor -reality-." "But we've got poor Lina-chan to think about! That kind of thing could scar her for life!" "What, so gratuitous violence is okay, but wave around one and children are at risk?" "Uh-huh!" "Whatever." Nabiki turned back to the monitor. "He's pretty fine." "Uh-huh." /// "BOTH OF THEM SEEM TO BE UNDERSTANDABLY SHAKEN," Haohmaru bellowed. Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah, I've had that 'sinking feeling' before myself. But it looks like they're ready to continue!" Dark Schneider shook his head, still visibly distressed. "I, uh... hell, let's just get this over with. You okay with a clash of mightiest powers?" "Uh, yeah! Sounds good. I don't think anybody will complain." "Your face is still red." Lina blushed even more furiously. "Urusei!" Inwardly, she readied herself to cast the Dragon Slave. Sometimes, the old standby was the best. Both of them finished their spells at the same time, pointing both hands toward the opponent and shouting. "DRAGON SLAVE!" "HALLOWEEN!" Lina's bright-red line of power intersected with giant arcs of blue- white light from Dark Schneider's attack spell, and what little rock that remained on the cliffside was powdered into dust, then vapor, as a titanic vortex took shape. Seawater rushed up to fill the gaps, lapping around Lina's boots (and Dark Schneider's ankles). And above, a small object fell out of a stable orbit and plummeted toward the two. When the small but incredibly dense moonlet struck the surface, dozens of miles away, a flash lit up the horizon from end to end. Lina inadvertently dropped her spell and pawed at her eyes, and the fact that she wasn't reduced to ash moments later told her that her opponent had done the same. As one, they turned to look at the impact site... If -land- could have a tsunami, a wave that stood a mile high and bore before it ruptured crust, rock and magma mixed in an onrushing Big Monday of Doom, it would have been slightly smaller and less impressive than this. They stood mesmerized as the horizon moved -up-, glowing with the power of its own destruction, and still further and further up as the impact's shock wave carried towards the seaside edge. "I'm for running," Lina said. Dark Schneider nodded. "Yeah, running sounds good." The two stepped into handily convenient portals, leaving only the hapless color commentator behind. "So," Hiroshi asked, awe in his voice, "what's it like out there, Haohmaru?" "HAOHMARU RETREATS BEFORE NO ATTACK! HOWEVER... I... HAVE NO REAL REASON TO BE HERE, AS BOTH FIGHTERS HAVE DISHONORABLY QUIT THE FIELD OF COMBAT BEFORE THE ISSUE WAS RESOLVED, DO I? THAT LOOKS QUITE... PAINFUL. YES, I SHOULD RETURN NOW, AS EVEN I CANNOT FIGHT WELL NEXT WEEK IF I AM... INCINERATED..." /// Scene: a dilapidated empty lot. Garbage has been cleared away from the center, however, in a roughly circular area. On the edge, each at one of the cardinal compass points, stands one young man, dressed in the grunge/skateboarder style. They all stare at the figure in the middle of the circle. Rather, they stare at what she's holding, which is unusual given that they are in their late teens and she is wearing a few scraps of leather and nothing more. For a moment, the tableau holds. The camera zooms in on one of the men, catching a drop of sweat rolling down his face and off of his chin. His eyes have a... thirsty look. Suddenly, the figure in black pumps her arm, sending what she was holding into the air, and shrieks, "SURGE!" Immediately, the four young men scream at each other and burst into purplish flames, rushing toward the central figure. Unfortunately for them, self-immolation is not conducive to any activity but rolling on the ground in agony. Within five seconds, all that is left is a few charred corpses. The camera finally catches the woman from the front. Of course, it was Naga the whole time. (Laying it on thick enough?) She holds up one black-gloved hand and catches the object, a green soft-drink can, with the word "SURGE" inscribed on it in blood-red letters. She pops the top and takes a pull from the can. "Ahh," she says, "I do not [hate] this beverage." Pull back to a long shot, flash the logo, pop out a SD Iori Yagami, who says, "Kid tested, Orochi approved!" /// Akuma cinched the belt tighter around his waist, flexing his 'wings' to make sure that he had enough room to maneuver them. Damn this new body! He didn't mind the occasional clanking sound, and physical appearance had always been totally irrelevant anyway, but had the madman ever tried to coordinate six arms? Or considered that back vents were -not- a part of the standard martial arts gi? Then again, he thought, it might not have been a madman. Perhaps a madwoman. Not that he was worried about political correctness; evil things generally didn't. It was just common sense. And when he found the person that did this to him, he was going to remove his intestines through his eye sockets, and nothing as trivial as a type of reproductive gland was going to stop him. Still, though... when he'd awakened, in that city of iron and death, he'd had ample time to get accustomed. And there were advantages. The power to see the flows of ki that wove around a fighter was useful, as was the ability to see infrared and ultraviolet and a dozen other spectra, so much that he really no longer knew which he preferred. He could jump higher, move faster, take more punishment. Kill more easily. Of course, that sort of thing was a large portion of what Evil Intent was all -about-. It was hard to exist and not kill people, Akuma mused, harder than he would have thought. But he'd made an enemy, several enemies, and killing would bring them on his back all the faster. He needed to train more before the confrontation, to become a master of this killing machine as he was a master before. In the meantime, though, he needed to keep himself interested... and this place was well suited for -that-. Akuma still had hopes for Ryu, if 'hope' was the proper word for it. And to surround himself with lesser fighters, ones without the secret intent... the situation was delicious. Perhaps he should stir things up some more, then. /// "Did you see that?! Why couldn't I have had a fight like that? Pow biff boom bang! And then the -world- exploded! The booker's going to pay for this," Sana promised, one fist dramatically clenched and raised to the closed-circuit television. Karin Kanzuki shrugged. "If you say so. Personally, I'd rather be -in- one... I suppose that's why I'm here. You?" "Well..." Tifa Lockheart fetched a six-pack of beer out of the well- stocked fridge, certain reflexes having been ingrained for too many years to ignore. "I've got something to ask Sephiroth. This just seemed like a good way to get his attention." The door to the Special Guest Announcer's Room opened, and fifteen pounds of singed black hair moved through the door, weighing down the shoulders of a well-cooked Haohmaru. "THIS... SHOULD PROVE TO BE EXCELLENT BODY-HARDENING TRAINING," he said in a muted whisper (which meant that nobody had to cover their ears), before sinking down to a well-padded couch. "So, who won?" Tifa asked, tossing the newcomer a beer. "THE JUDGE CONFERRED WITH THE DIVINITY, AND DECIDED TO CALL IT A DRAW DUE TO VIOLATION OF THE RULES." Sana's brow wrinkled. "I thought that there weren't any rules. I mean, what's the point of having a super-duper-powerful unlimited anything goes no mercy unless you feel like it division, then?" "Heh. There is one rule," Karin said. "Quote: 'destruction of the planet on which the match occurs, or the universe in which the match occurs, is considered a technical foul' unquote." Tifa shrugged; the part where the moon had hit the surface and destroyed everything had given her a serious case of the willies, with a double shot of déjà vu thrown in for good measure. "Well, should I go out there?" Karin opened her mouth. "I..." She promptly closed it, and the room went quiet, as sounds of various breakages came from behind the room's -other- door. The sound was halfway between the opening fight scene of the movie "Highlander" (when the Quickening systematically vandalized dozens of cars) and the hand- to-hand fight between the two cyborgs in Terminator II, but as none present had ever seen those movies (with the exception of Sana, who had her headphones on) there were no comments to that effect. Suffice it to say that a lot of glass and metal things were being ground up. The door burst open, the upper hinge tearing loose from the jamb, and the Bean Bandit walked in the room. He was slightly stooped over, and this may have been due to the fact that a thin, hysterical man with grey hair was desperately hanging on to Bean's head in a chokehold, or it may not have been. The little man frothed at the mouth. "Dammit, Bean, this time I've got you dead to rights, and I'm going to run you in if it's the last thing I..." "Can it, Percy, alright? I'm busy." Grabbing the distraught police officer by his collar, Bean lowered him to the ground and propelled him toward the exit. "We can play when I go out to get breakfast tomorrow. Remember..." "Yeah, yeah, I know, Denny's. This time we'll be ready for you!" After a bit of emergency door repair, Bean motioned to Tifa for a beer and received one. "So, how'd the Lambda fight go?" Sana laughed. "Ash beat the Amazons like they were red-headed stepchildren. It was great! Even if they did try to kill me once!" "Cool. My turn?" Nods passed around the room. "Who's up?" "Schedule says Naga the Black Serpent versus Toguro Ani." Karin waved toward the door. "Have fun." "Thanks, I will." /// Hiroshi grabbed his microphone, nearly throttling it in the process. "Say HEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" The crowd, always game for a little by-play, said, "HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!" "All right! We're about to start our next match, an Omega-class fight to the finish, and I'm here with... nobody! Because we've got Bean already on site. Say HEY, Bean!" "Hey, kid," Bean chattered, on the screen. "Nobody told me that they'd be holding this one in an icebox!" "Yes, folks, Bean is talking to us from a gigantic cavern on the ice world of Sol Draconis Septem, where it's a hot and balmy summer at fifty-five degrees below zero! Celsius! How cold is it, Bean?" The oversized getaway driver sighed, and the condensing moisture in his breath froze and fell to the ground as an exquisite pattern of ice crystals, where it shattered. "That's how cold it is. Man, I hope this is a quickie. I don't know how much of this I can take!" "Well, at least you dressed warm. Folks, what do you say, should we leave him there on ice for a few more minutes, or should we introduce the fighters and get this match underway?" If you don't know how the crowd answered this one, you can stop reading here. Really. "Great! Okay, Bean, do your stuff." "Sure. IN THIS CORRRRNNNNNEEEERRRR... screw it. Naga, the Black Serpent, in the leather trunks." A gleaming portal appeared, disgorging the Riotous One. Bean's eyebrows lifted; it seems that she had made no concessions to the weather in the choice of her outfit. Naga raised the back of one hand to her mouth, inhaled deeply, and settled for a chuckle as a panicked Nabiki cut off the audio feed. "And, on the other side, Toguro Ani, certified vicious little bastard." Another portal opened, and a small ball of grey flesh rolled out. It stretched, distended, and formed into the shape of a dwarfish man (by which is meant that he was short in proportion, not that he had a large nose or a beard or a propensity to desire certain elements of the atomic table in large and pure quantities). "Gee, Bean," Hiroshi said, "could you have been a little more... objective, maybe?" "Hey, I just read the card." Bean displayed a note-card, written in a strangely bent scrawl, with those very words on it. /// Naga stared down her nose at her opponent. "You must be [delusional] if you think you stand a chance." "DAMN, IT'S COLD!" the tiny Ani shouted. "Why aren't you frozen solid by now? It's not like you can hold in any body heat with -that-..." "My [hate] keeps me warm, of course, as it feeds me when I am [hungry] and wakes me when I am [sleepy]. Shall I demonstrate?" "Oh, [hate] again? Silly stuff. You should hurt people because it's fun, not for any other reason! Can't you see that simple truth?" "It's obvious that we [cannot] coexist. Die, miscreant." FIGHT FOUR: NAGA, THE BLACK SERPENT VERSUS TOGURO ANI The surface of Ani's chest dissolved, reforming into a dozen hands with index fingers waving in the classic 'naughty, naughty' position. "It's you that's going to..." "BLAST BOMB!" "...urk." Ani stared down at the hole in his chest. "Great, just great. Do you have any idea how annoying that is?" "BEHFIS BRING!" "...I could have used that arm..." "GAAV FLARE!" "...you know, I'm sure that we can be more reasonable about this..." "DIEM WING!" "Ouch," Bean winced. "Right in the..." Ani's battered, armless, legless, headless, and all-around not-very- happy body dropped to the powdery floor of the ice cavern, spasmed, and reformed into his normal visage. "Come on, honey, you know that's not going to work on me! I promise, if you give up, I'll kill you fast... well, sorta fast..." Naga blinked. She'd put a lot of [hate] in those shots. Not to mention a load of [aggression]. Even a touch of [sadism]. Belatedly, it occurred to her that she would have done a lot better using some [brains]. Ani brought his arm up, forming it into a gigantic double-headed ax. "Should I slice her and dice her, or dice her and slice her?" he said, inadvertently quoting one of the most idiotic movies of all time. The blade whistled towards Naga's head, and she reacted instinctively. "FREEZE ARROW"! Magical blue fire struck Ani in his elbow-equivalent, freezing it, then surrounding it as it shattered like glass from the strain of the pressure. The ax flew off, no longer attached to his body, and buried itself in the snowy floor. Ani shrugged. "Hey, I can fight like this too." "DEMONA CRYSTAL!" Naga shouted, triumphantly, as she came to the same conclusion that the reader should have reached a couple of paragraphs ago. Ani's head protruded from the surface of a gigantic icicle. "You didn't have to do that, you know. It makes me feel like I've got arthritis..." "FREEZE ARROW! DEMONA CRYSTAL! FREEZE SPLIT!" "MMMPHF!" Ani mumbled, buried under several tons of ice. Naga wanted to laugh, but refrained, as she didn't particularly want to find out if she could really shatter an ice boulder with nothing but her ego and the correct harmonics. Instead, she swirled her cape behind her, stoked up her [hate] a bit to counteract the place's natural coldness, and strode away with her head held high. "...eighteen, nineteen... twenty. That's all, folks," Goku stated before disappearing in a flash of power. "Well, there you have it, guys." Bean shrugged. "End of match already. Mind getting me back somewhere nice and w-warm?" "I think you'll agree with me, Bean, when I say that -that- was one cool fight!" Hiroshi gushed. "I'm going to hurt you, Hiroshi." /// "Case of beer?" Tifa asked. Bean shivered. "Irish coffee." /// Dan punched the wall of his room, experimentally, and was only marginally surprised that it failed to disintegrate into rubble. Whatever had gotten him through this morning's match had definitely worn off. Definitely worth looking around for, however... but it wouldn't affect his fighting skills. After all, he'd found the disc. One would wonder why somebody's most powerful, devastating, and all- around neato-frito fighting technique would be dependent on something as silly as the appropriate background music. Dan didn't wonder... he knew the reason. It was the secret at the heart of the Iron Fist of Unpleasant Intent, after all. Annoying. That was the entirety to the style. Where Akuma drew his power from pure evil, which is rarely seen and not fun to hang around, and Ryu drew his power from intense spiritual training, which was hard work, Dan had resolved to learn a technique that would draw upon all of the irritation of man. After all, he had reasoned, there's a hell of a lot of irritation out there; somebody drawing on it would have an almost limitless supply of bothersome energy. Thus, everything that he did gave more power to the style. The taunts. The pink gi. The background music, played slightly off-speed. Everything Shin Dan did, when under the influence of the Unpleasant Intent, he did to tick somebody off. And it worked! Unknown to Dan, it worked with about as much efficiency as his regular style... that is to say, somebody that had truly mastered the arts of Unpleasant Intent would keel over and expire from overexertion due to extreme laughter if that somebody ever saw Shin Dan fight. But nobody had ever mastered Unpleasant Intent, and so Shin Dan was indeed the world's strongest practitioner. Of something, anyway. Dan's stomach rumbled, and he set off to find some food. Chili dogs with extra onions, he fancied. And lots of cheese. And then he'd go visit the Spirit of Shotokan Dojo, partly for the companionship, and partly to inflict himself (and his dietary choices!) on others. He would have laughed, but he settled for a high, piping snort, one of the preeminent moves of his new art. /// "Here we go, people, with another wall-to-wall, double-stuf action- packed Gamma fight! Everybody ready?" "YEAHHHH!" screamed the crowd. "Pretty much," said Tifa. "Everybody, you all remember Tifa Lockheart from the last time that she was here!" Hiroshi took the opportunity to covertly ogle the bartender- martial artist-savior of world. "Once again, we've got her back for color commentary! Ordinarily, I'd go into some detail, but we're already running long and we've still got the Omega title defense to go, so let's just cut to the chase!" Tifa shrugged and picked up a note card. "Entering first, sporting the largest ego the entire Gamma league, the rising star of the Ultra tournament, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High..." Tifa paused for breath. "Tatewaki Kunou!" On cue, the hopelessly deluded kendoist strode down the aisle and to the ring, his eyes closed as if in meditation, his bokken cradled in the crook of an elbow. One particularly brave fan opened a backpack and produced a decent-size watermelon, heaving it over the crowd and towards Kunou. Instantly, the young man turned, spinning a full circle, and returned to his meditative state. It seemed that the wooden sword never moved, but the watermelon split in two and splattered all over a pair of unlucky fans on the other side of the aisle. Immediately, a pair of blunted, animated Lego men moved to prevent the requisite just retribution. "And, now entering from the other side... self-proclaimed "sexiest woman in Ultra no matter who says otherwise", and the front half of the newly-formed Sex and Violence team... SOFIA..." A flustered Tifa looked to her co-announcer. "Damn!" she whispered. "What's her last name?" Hiroshi shrugged. "S'all she gave." Not bothering to notice the by-play, three figures strode down the opposite aisle. First, naturally, was Sofia of the unknown last name, black leather, and whip. Just behind her was her partner-in-offenses- against-good-taste, Johnny Cage, dressed in plainclothes and the requisite sunglasses. Behind both of them was their manager, Controversial Jack, complete with plastic yellow bath toy. FIGHT FIVE: TATEWAKI KUNOU VS SOFIA Kunou opened his eyes and looked at his opponent. While she was, indeed, quite attractive, she also had something of his sister about her... aside from the whip, of course. Doubtless she had come to challenge, as many had before. "Very well, I accept. Defeat me, and I will grant you the boon of a date with me!" "Who wants a date with you, you over-inflated gasbag? I'll have no such thing!" "Really?" Kunou looked confused. "Why do you challenge me at all, then? Surely there is enough of my love to go around. Dare you deprive others of the chance to challenge me, and gain the bounty of my love?" "Yeah, why?" Tifa asked Jack, who had drifted towards the announcer's table. "Honestly?" Jack grinned. "Well, we've got to start somewhere, right? Sex and Violence sells, but there is no substitute for victory." Jack squeezed the duck, which squeaked. "Oh, so you think that I'm mixing metaphors, Mr. Duck? Sorry." A predatory grin came over Sofia's face. Perhaps there was a way to turn the boy's fixation to her own advantage... "So, you'll allow me a date with you, if I win?" "That is correct..." The grin tightened. "Why not say that the winner shall exact a date from the loser, at the time and circumstances of the winner's choosing?" Kunou shrugged. "Mere semantic claptrap. I accept, provided that you can be held to your word." "Oh, I'll play along," Sofia purred. She was nearly manic with joy. "Great!" she thought. "All I have to do is beat this cretin in, and I can saddle Sakura with a date with this loser! It's the ultimate humiliation!" "YES!" Hiroshi shouted. "The fighters have decided that mere victory or defeat is not enough; they're raising the stakes to include each other's love lives, as well!" "Ought to be a good match," Tifa concurred. Sofia cracked her whip in the air. "Well, then, let's go, boy! I promise not to hurt you... too badly." "While a true warrior should rightly avoid harming the innocence of women, I am left with no choice." Kunou leveled his bokken. "Be ready!" FIGHT FIVE: SOFIA VERSUS TATEWAKI KUNOU The tip of Sofia's whip popped half an inch from Kunou's eyeball, but the young man didn't even flinch. Instead, he grimaced, disdainful of her attack. "The powerful house of Kunou does not draw back from adversity!" he shouted, running at his opponent. Sofia quickly sidestepped, barely avoiding the flashing tip of the bokken, and snatched the trailing end of her whip. Immediately, it went taught, and Kunou's foot became snarled in the whip's length. He fell heavily to the canvas. "What's the matter, boy? Not up for the fight? Perhaps you're enjoying your ego trip?" Kunou jerked his leg sharply, yanking both ends of the whip out of Sofia's hands, and propelling himself to his feet. "The tables have turned, and the heavens shine on my cause," he said. "Perhaps we can be reasonable about this?" Sofia said, stalling for time. Cage leapt to the apron, a folding chair in his hands. "Here, hold him off with this!" he yelled, flinging the chair towards his partner. "Impudent!" Kunou leapt, swinging his bokken at the chair, and sliced it cleanly in two. "To think that you would accept aid in the midst of battle! Have you no honor, wretch?" Johnny held his hands up in apology. "Of course not! All's fair in love and war, right?" "How in hell did he do THAT?" Tifa said, eyebrows trying to climb up her forehead. "That's Kunou for you," Hiroshi said. "But what a turnaround! Could it be that he might even get a winning record? Anything can and IS happening here tonight!" Sofia glanced at the two pieces of folding chair, envisioning Kunou doing the same to -her-. She'd seen the earlier Omega match; getting cut in half was not pretty. And she wasn't armed... "Bye!" she shouted, leaping the top rope and sprinting for the locker room. Kunou's mouth fell open. "What... what coward would run before even being dealt a blow?" "And... once again, the Blue Thunder is triumphant!" Hiroshi flapped his arms. "Some people made a pile betting on this one, let me tell you." /// "Yeesh... for a number one fan, he can be surly!" Dan exclaimed, walking in on an absolutely packed Spirit dojo. "Who did?" Sakura asked. "The guy working the concession stand!" Dan lifted his hot dog up for her inspection. "I specifically told him that he should have given me more relish, and do you know what he told me? Oh, hi, Sakura." Dan reached out with his other hand and mussed Sakura's hair. "Dammit, you know I hate it when you do that!" Sakura fumed. "Next time we fight, I'm kicking your rear in, poser." Dan nodded. "Poser, yep, that's me." Pitching his voice a little bit louder, he continued. "But who LOST to the loser this morning, huh?" "LAY OFF!" Ken shouted. One man, wearing a cross between a purple gi and a purple smoking jacket, pointed at Ken. "See?" Allen asked the man sitting next to him, a serious young man with a scar on the left side of his face. "They do look like each other." "You're right," Kairi mused. "It's uncanny." Sean, overhearing their comments, hefted one of the folding tables. "Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!" In the corner, a laughing woman poured sake for a man in a dress shirt with ridiculously oversized shoulder pads and a tie that could have been stolen from Dilbert, from the way that it curled up on its own. "Come on, dear, drink up!" "But, Kyoko-san, we have to set a good example for the younger generation..." "They're the ones paying for the sake!" "Well, in that case, I suppose..." Dan blinked. "Where did all these weirdoes come from?" "You have to ask?" Sakura motioned him to a seat. "It's pretty exciting, really, having all these people come to learn from Ryu-sama." Ryu tapped the side of a glass and stood up. "Hi, everybody... and welcome, I guess. Thanks for coming." A muted cheer came up from the others, mostly muted because there were only a dozen people in the room instead of a hundred thousand. "Honestly... I don't have any idea how this happened. It never occurred to me that anybody else would care about this whole thing..." "Quite a motivational speaker, isn't he, dear?" "Elizaaaa! You know he gets shy in front of crowds!" "ANYWAY," Ryu continued, with a raised eyebrow for his best friend, "I've been asked to try to keep people from making trouble, so I suppose that's what I'm doing. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want you guys to help... Just remember! I don't want any of you getting hurt, so be careful, okay?" "A toast!" Ken shouted. "We ought to have a proper toast. You know, to establish the place." "A toast?" Ryu asked. Allen nodded. "It's appropriate, Ryu-sensei." "But we don't have anything to... oh, there we go," Ryu said, accepting the bottle from Kyoko. He passed it around, letting each fighter pour some into a cup. Dan passed the bottle to Sakura, but before she could reach it, Hideo grabbed it, filled his cup, and passed it along. "Sorry, but you are still underage," he said, kindly mussing her hair. Sakura fumed silently. Maybe having other people around wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. "To the Spirit of Shotokan!" Ryu said, raising his glass, and the others followed suit. "To the Spirit of Shotokan!" Glasses were drained, and then the entire room flared white; several scraping sounds could be heard, and many drinks were spilled. In seconds, vision returned to normal, and each fighter looked around to see the other fighters all rubbing their heads. Sakura shouted, "If ONE MORE person rubs my head today, I'm taking his arm off! I mean it!" Outside the partially-open door to the dojo, Cyber Akuma grinned to himself. Oh, there were advantages to his new body. Try giving that many noogies with only two hands! /// Scene: Flat gray background, walls and carpet. In the center of the screen, there is a picture of Ranma; as he is on all fours and trying to wash his hand with his tongue, one would be wise to assume that he is under the influence of the Neko-ken. Voice-over: Each year, hundreds of thousands of animals die of exposure, starvation, and neglect. Do your part to help them, and adopt from your local shelter... take one home to raise yourself. Ranma idly meows at the camera. VO: And make sure that you have your pets spayed or neutered. Or both, as it may be. This ad sponsored by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the Jusenkyou Awareness Committee. /// "Here we go, raving fans! It's what you've been waiting for!" Hiroshi crowed. "The last fight of the night. The BIGGEST fight of the night! Are you all ready?" "YEAAHHH!" "Great! Tonight's Omega title belt match will be held on the lovely world of Naboo! Unfortunately... we don't have a guest announcer yet. Seems that the well ran dry, so to speak..." "Not so fast," Tarou said, walking in from the announcer's door. "The boss-lady told me that you were one short." "Tarou, what's with that hat?" The gigantic viewscreens in the arena were immediately filled with the image of Tarou's face, and his frantic attempts to doff a small, triangular paper hat with the words "Happy Fun Concession" on it. "Um, nothing, there was no hat. You're mistaken." "Heh. Well, let's get a portal ready, Tarou, it's time to start the match!" "I'll call it from here, if it's the same to you." "Well, let's get going! First, let's introduce the reigning CHAMPEEEN of the Omega division, Washuu Habuki! And, because the producer is waving at me to tell me that we're running long and need to pick things up, the challenger, none other than the god of destruction Orochi himself!" "The mad scientist against the blowtorch blowhard, in other words?" Tarou chuckled. "This'll be interesting." FIGHT SIX: CHAMPION WASHUU HABUKI VERSUS OROCHI Both fighters slowly descended through the clouds, coming to a rest shortly above treetop level. Various creatures strutted, very rapidly, to the shore of a nearby lake, and dived in. "Come on! Let's rumble!" Washuu challenged. Orochi partially recovered from his facefault. "What in the hell are you wearing?" "Oh, this old thing?" Washuu gestured to her elaborate get-up, which resembled a red bodysuit with psychedelic designs in yellow on the arms and legs. "I figured, so long as I was here, I might as well dress the part... like it?" "Of course I don't like it, foolish girl. Now, let's get down to business." Orochi burst into purplish flames, the heat distorting the image fiercely, and gestured towards Washuu. "Die," he said. Instead of igniting into flames and screaming in agony, which was the desired result, Washuu just smiled. "Surely you didn't think that THAT was going to work?" Two small puppets popped up on Washuu's shoulders. "You're the best, Washuu-sama!" "Go kick his ass, Washuu-sama!" "No problem!" she shouted, as she arrowed towards the flaming man. Reaching out one arm, she grabbed his wrist. "SUPER ENHANCED JUDO THROW!" she shouted. Halfway to the ground, Orochi's flame grew to conceal him, and then disappeared. Moments later, the flame reappeared as he phased back into existence on a level with her. "Surely -you- didn't propose to throw me somewhere?" "Oh, but I did," Washuu chuckled. "Take a look at your hand." "Huh?" Orochi raised his hand, noticing a bracelet firmly secured around his wrist, and his hand proceeded to bury itself in his face. "OWWFF! What the OW! Damn it OW! OW! OW OW OW!" Back in the arena, both commentators sweatdropped. "Seems our mad scientist did her homework," Tarou quipped. "Man! Orochi is beating himself senseless!" Hiroshi swallowed. "I've never seen anything like that!" Orochi finally pried the piece of metal from his wrist, and looked at his opponent, a grim smile on his bloodied face. "You've got a lot of nerve... I will burn you until your flesh OW!" Orochi's feet both shot back simultaneously, each with a matching bracelet, and he performed the equivalent of a double drop kick on his own rear end. "LET GO DAMN YOU!" "Okay, if you say so..." Washuu held out her hand, flashing a 'thumbs down', and Orochi immediately dropped like a stone. "NOT LIKE THIS..." his voice dopplered, until he buried himself in the jungle canopy. Immediately, an unearthly cry rose from the depths of the jungle, raising in pitch until the human ear could no longer detect it. "Jungle predators?" Hiroshi hazarded. "Nope," Washuu said, smiling as she reversed her gesture. Immediately, Orochi rose from the treetops, dragged by his ankles, and holding his crotch. "I just racked 'im one on a branch." "I... WILL... NEVER... FORGIVE... THIS... INDIGNITY..." Orochi squeaked. "Indignity? Oh, right, indignity." Washuu rubbed her hands together with glee, and summoned up her workscreen. "I think we can do indignity, here... I'll just reprogram your DNA while I'm at it!" Immediately, Orochi's body distorted, distended like a horrible parody of a Resident Evil scene... and then shrunk. The chibi-Orochi patted its chest with stubby arms, looking at its body in horror. "What... what'd you do to me?!" it piped. Washuu laughed maniacally. "Isn't he cuuuute?" "Cute as a button, Washuu-sama!" "Finish him off, Washuu-sama!" "Righto!" Washuu's finger stabbed down on her keyboard. "Eat this, airhead!" Lightning exploded, sizzling the poor chibi-Orochi, and then he dropped to the forest canopy again. This time, he didn't come back up. "Flawless victory, Washuu-sama!" "Torture him some more, Washuu-sama!" "A chibi-Orochi... it's the Orochibi!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Cool!" "Orochibi?" Tarou mused. "Well, at least it's marketable." /// Lina finished demolishing her fifth order of fillet mignon of the night. "Neh, Naga, what happened? I thought you were all [hate] and [bitchy] and everything." "I found a higher power," Naga said, staring at the bottom of a wine glass. "". "Oh, money! Yeah, I can see that." Reality distorted next to Lina's shoulder, and Xelloss faded in. "Lina! Congratulations! Great fight!" "Xelloss!" Lina frowned around a piece of beef. "What did you think you were trying to pull earlier?" "Earlier?" Xelloss blinked. "I just got here." /// Jack laughed to himself. "That's right, Mr. Duck, everything -is- going to plan." "Is it?" The air in front of Jack decided to move out of the way, as it didn't want to be there when Kasumi materialized. "But all of your fighters lost! Except the young boy, I think." "He's not one of my fighters." Jack gave Kasumi a blank look. "Really?" "Plans within plans, my dear. I only regret that you disposed of that Ani fellow so easily. I had plans for the man." "Disposed? Oh, no! I've got two men out trying to find him right now!" "Really?" /// Two space-suited figures walked across the frozen plain. "We always get the scut work, Sarge." "Shut up, Nobby. The sooner we find this guy, the sooner we can go home. It's bloody cold." "Right, Sarge," mumbled Nobby Nobbs. = = = ULTRA 10 RECAP ][ DAN DEFEATS KEN IN "GRUDGE REMATCH", NOW AT 2W/3L ][ ASH KETCHUM AND PIKACHU DEFEAT MOUSSE AND SHAMPOO, NOW AT 1W/1L ][ FIRST RECORDED POKEMON SEIZURE ][ SHINJI IKARI RECONCILES WITH HIS FATHER ][ ALLEN, KAIRI, SEAN, HIDEO ALL ARRIVE, JOIN SPIRIT OF SHOTOKAN ][ DARK SCHNEIDER JOINS OMEGA LEAGUE ][ LINA FIGHTS DARK SCHNEIDER: DRAW BY DOUBLE DISQUALIFICATION ][ CUE BALL DESTROYED ][ NAGA, THE OFF-GREY SERPENT DEFEATS TOGURO ANI, NOW AT 2W/3L ][ TOGURO ANI IN DEEP FREEZE ][ TATEWAKI KUNOU DEFEATS SOFIA, NOW AT 2W/1L ][ TATEWAKI AWARDED ONE DATE WITH SOFIA ][ CYBERAKUMA EXECUTES THE MULTIPLE SHUN GOKU NOOGIE FOR THE FIRST TIME ][ WASHUU HABUKI DEFEATS OROCHI, NOW AT 4W/1L ][ OROCHI PERMANENTLY CHIBIFIED ][ OBLIGATORY PRATCHETT REFERENCE Author's note: Whew! I've never written this much in a week. Got it done in time for A-kon, though, so I guess it'll work. Thanks to Jed Hagen for pre- reading work, and Gagne ought to be able to run with UltraRage from here, methinks. Hope you enjoy.