Sephiroth found himself bored. Not that this was a new feeling, as his dim view of life tended to lead him either to causing mass destruction or to imitate famous statues. Instead, he was currently "training." He tried to look at this as objectively as possible. He could use an increase in level, were it possible to go beyond 99. His materia could use a bit more power, but Knights of the Round was mastered about a year ago. He'd gotten used to Ehrgeiz-style fighting, and found that to be too easy for his taste. In short, while he'd like to get better, you can only go so far at the top of your game. This was the reason he was here - new, unusual competition, that could be learned from and perhaps increase his ability ever so slightly. Instead, he was currently making tissue paper out of fragments of every punching bag This Old Dojo had stocked for the workout room. And he'd been in there only five minutes, and hadn't cast so much as a Poison spell, and hadn't moved more than five steps from the door, etc. He was too overpowered for this. Stifling a yawn, he looked for something else to mangle beyond forseeable repair. One option happened to be standing on air behind him, decked out in a red military uniform with a cape befitting both supreme evil overlords and kamen. "Bison." Sephiroth remembered this pathetic waste of telepathic life. "Do you want something? Blissful death, perhaps?" "You sound so much like a current pupil of mine," said Bison, currently in Mocking Entrance Speech Mode. "Which, ironically enough, is my reason for speaking to you." "Another of your toys? Wasn't the last one humiliating enough?" "She is in need of work, yes...which is currently in process." Bison chose this moment to fully enter the room instead of stand shadowed in a doorway with only his empty white eyes and a silhouette visible. "I have another work that is, I believe, more than amply prepared for testing at this time. And what better way to test it...." Sephiroth wasn't born yesterday. "...than start with the test the last toy flunked? Personally, I'd try something a bit lower on the scale, say, Gamma. It might survive that." He punctuated his remark with a horizontal slash through a nearby set of barbells. They stayed as they were for two seconds, before the top half of the bar felt gravity shift and took the opportunity to split. Bison tried to ignore the comment in the spirit of looking smug. "He's a worthy opponent, I assure you. In fact, you might recall him from Alpha. I offered him some...modification, you might say. It was in line with a current project of mine, and I altered him to incorporate some new skills I thought might be useful." Sephiroth sighed. It'd be better than this, at least. "He is currently enrolled in Omega Division, then?" "Yes. You are interested?" "I have no qualms as to causing destruction. Be warned, though, that you probably won't get it back in one piece." "It might surprise you." "It also might die. But we shall see. You may inform Kasumi that I am willing to fight in your match, and that I would like it set up tonight. I really could use something to do." Sephiroth executed a Limit Break on the speakers brought over from Karin's match, left in the training room for disposal that would hopefully occur long before Haohmaru found them useful. Having done just that, he turned to leave. Bison perfectly executed Evil Laugh #42 with a warp and half-twist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ LIVE! FROM THE ULTRADOME! THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AND IMPROFANFIC! IT'S TIME FOR... { M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R } { F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { '-----------' } { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic } Chapter 13: And we're back! Author: Nicholas Eckert Daisuke was relieved to see Hiroshi back in one piece. While Daisuke had opted to spend his weekend off with Tatewaki's dad in Honolulu, Hiroshi had wanted to visit old friends back home. Considering what home was, and his current frail condition, his survival was almost something of Kasumi's doing. (As it was, Dr. Tofu had been on call within a block radius of both Hiroshi's and the Tendos' houses. Either one was considered a medical emergency waiting to happen.) "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to yet another mayhem-filled night at the Ultradome! I'm Daisuke, and this is my co-announcer, Hiroshi." Hiroshi barged in, trying to hide the IV line to the Jolt Cola she'd had set up during the hiatus. The reaction was somewhat less invisible. "Hihelloandhowareyou? We'vegotagreatshowplannedtonightandI'msoexitedI..." "I noticed. We have a title defense tonight in Lambda, along with the premiere of a fighter who joined us just last week in Omega, and..." Daisuke was interrupted by, of all things, a drunk stork with a bundle in its beak. "Tele-(hic)-telegram for Mr. (hic) Daisuke." The stork handed him a pen and clipboard, had Daisuke sign, and handed him a tan envelope marked in big letters "To: Daisuke - Urgent". Daisuke took the blatantly obvious course of action of opening and reading the telegram. "EXTRA MATCH TONIGHT W/SEPHIROTH STOP FORESHADOW STOP CHECK HIROSHI FOR CAFFIENE STOP ARIGATO GOZIMAZU STOP SIGNED KASUMI" "Thanks, um, sir," said Daisuke, giving the stork a small tip and trying to avoid having it cause him to fall over. Have a nice day." "Any-(hic)-time. Gotta go de-(hic)-deliver this baby (hic) to it's mo-(hic)-mother." The stork flew off, as a pair of large, gray ears poked out of the linen. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, it appears we have a special match tonight with, um, Sephiroth later on. But, first, as always, we start out in Gamma." "Andwhatbetterstartcouldtherebethanthewonderfulwonderfulwonderful -" Daisuke calmly cleared his throat. "Uh, the folks know he's wonderful already." "- wonderfulwonderfulnewcomerHaohmarufightingtheevilevilevilevil -" "- Iori Yagami," Daisuke finished for him. "And I see they're preparing to enter the ring now." ][GAMMA DIVISION ][HAOHMARU VS. IORI YAGAMI Traditional Japanese music was coming from the speakers at a volume only equaled by the crowd and fans watching at home put together. Haohmaru walked out, sat down, and closed his eyes in contemplation. In contrast, a more violent number from a group lovingly called "Korn" played at about the same decibel level. It was said that Ultra fans were hearing impaired for some odd reason. Iori walked in with earplugs. They couldn't help. God didn't think a speaker system that could drown out Haohmaru healthy at all, and Iori couldn't find anyone who sold anything over 150 dB protection. "ENLIGHTENMENT!" Haohmaru stood up and began the Legendary Death of Many Eardrums. "A WOODCHUCK WOULD CHUCK AS MUCH WOOD AS A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD! HO, AND IT SEEMS MY NOT-AS-LEGENDARY-OPPONENT- AS-I HAS ARRIVED! I BID YOU GREETINGS, IN THE LEGENDARY MANNER SUCH AS ONLY I, HAOHMARU, AM ABLE TO GIVE! KNOW YE THAT YOU SHALL BE DEFEATED, BUT IN AN HONORABLE AND LEGENDARY MANNER, SUCH AS THE RULES OF THIS NEAR-LEGENDARY FIGHTING FEDERATION HAVE DETERMINED, FOR I AM HONORABLE AND WISH NO HARM, EVEN THOUGH I MUST REND UNCONSCIOUS YOUR NOT-SO-LEGENDARY SELF WITH MY LEGENDARY FIGHTING STYLE, A STYLE THAT HAS BEEN HONED THROUGH CENTURIES OF LEGENDARY TRAINING AND PROVEN IN BATTLES THAT RING THROUGH THE HISTORY OF TIME EVEN IN THIS STRANGE ERA! SUCH A STYLE IS ONLY BEFITTING OF SUCH A LEGENDARY WARRIOR AS I! FOR MINE IS THE WARRIOR'S WAY, THE TRUE WAY, THE JARS OF CLAY...." The bell rang sometime during this rant, but you had to look at it to notice. Iori was more to the point, not that that's saying much. "[Die.]" Haohmaru would have taken this opportunity to mention the use of the Legendary Brackets of Power by a not-so-legendary person, and expound in a legendary and exponential manner, but Iori was, alas, looking at the bell, and wasted no time in scorching the mat and its other occupant with purple flame. Haohmaru got a Legendary Hint, and got to work. While, in the real world, sending a tornado towards fire has a better chance of causing more heat than putting the thing out, these were fighting game characters, and so the first twenty seconds was spent in the heated combat known as a "fireball war". After the easily punned tactics subsided, Haohmaru decided to go first in closing the gap with a Secret Crescent Moon Slash... ...and got hop-kicked back. "HA! SO, YOU FIGHT WITH NEAR-LEGENDARY CUNNING (FOR ONLY THOSE OF LEGENDARY STATUS HAVE TRULY LEGENDARY CUNNING, AND YOU ARE NOT IT YOU DIRTY OLD DISH RAG, YOU), BUT lET US SEE IF YOU HAVE LEGENDARY SPEED AS WELL!" With that, he dashed in, changing up to a Secret Hurricane Thrust. He got the same unceremonious and quite unlegendary response. "SO, YOU HAVE LEGENDARY SPEED AS WELL. BUT, CAN YOU EVEN COME CLOSE TO BEING AS LEGENDARY AS I, THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU, A LEGEND AMONG LEGENDS, WITH LEGENDS WRITTEN ABOUT MY EXPLOITS THAT HAVE TRAVELED EVEN TO THIS CENTURY, IN THE MANNER THAT LEGENDS DO, WITH EVEN A LEGENDARY TAUNT?" With that, Haohmaru stuck his sword firmly into the ground in front of him, sipped a bit from his hip flask of sake, and said, "Doshita doshita?" Dan was watching, and looked up a lawyer. Iori went and opened up a can clearly marked "Whoop-@$$" instead. The pain started with a jump kick leading into couple swipes of his claw-like hands, followed by some sliding punches. Haohmaru responded with a quick grab-and-fling, exposing Yagami's back to a good uppercut slash; his follow-up slide, however, was rewarded with a low kick, punch, and a not-so-cute fire flower. While Mario was wondering if he should pursue legal action, Haohmaru managed to land a Senpuretsuzan, giving Iori a nice tornado ride, but Iori was waiting on the next one, and had a painful little combo in mind. Hopping over the wind projectile, he caught the Legendary Loudmouth with a Lily Break, kicked Haohmaru's foot, slashed him with his long-nailed hands, added a quick punch, and then let loose with a little ditty called the Maiden Masher. A few punches, claw swipes, and a good scorching later, Haohmaru was hurting bad. He was tired. He was really PO'ed. In fact, he was so PO'ed, he was POW'ed. Iori jumped in for the kill. But, if the [hate] was powerful, so was the Legend's.... "RAGE EXPLOSION!" Haohmaru let loose, blasting Iori back, though not immediately causing any damage. Knocked back and off the offensive, Iori saw Haohmaru start coming towards him, sending Senpuretsuzan after Senpuretsuzan, and could only respond with his Yami Barais. When Haohmaru stopped throwing them for a second, Iori sent one more, thinking he had won. Haohmaru somersaulted over and slashed down hard. "RESSHIN-ZAN!" came the legendary shout, and, lo, the earth shook with Iori's landing. Iori got up, prepared to block and counter Haohmaru's followup. That wasn't possible, though, as the grab-and-fling technique the Legendary Voice used was targeted specifically at blockers. "HA! NOW, YOU SEE A LEGENDARY COMBO FROM A TRUE LEGEND, FOR SUCH AM I, HAOHMARU, A LEGEND UPON LEGENDS!" said Haohmaru in one of his softer tones as he exerted himself with a quick hit, followed by two small swipes, two medium slashes, two big cuts, another small flash of the sword, another larger strike, and three more big whacks, all leading up to a blinding light around the ring.... Iori could handle most of this, but when the ring went white, he was in hit stun, and anyone knows that a sudden change in the background is a good time to block, or, failing that, let your life flash before your eyes. Haohmaru ran his sword through Iori's torso so fast he didn't even get to the time he and Kyo were tussling in the backyard as kids. He did get to see the part where he fell over unconscious from the Single Deadly Stroke, though. Hiroshi was amazed. "I don't care if that's a reversed sword, I don't care if you have evil energy flowing through your veins - Kasumi-kami-sama, I don't care what universe you're from, that's *gotta* _*hurt*_!" Daisuke would have been relieved to see Hiroshi apparently calmed down if she wasn't borrowing lines from Star Wars - word had spread that someone there was already unhappy. "Well, it looks like Haohmaru's taken this match, and thereby making a name for himself here in Ultra as he has in his node and, it seems, in his own mind. But we're just getting warmed up - next, we go to Lambda, where two other new teams have something to prove; Tifa and Bean vs. the infamous Team Rocket, after these words from our sponsor." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How ace Pokemon trainer Ash Ketchum eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. "I eat one of my Reese's, then feed the other to my Pokemon. Otherwise, he gets upset." "PIKA!" *zap* "Here." *thump* There's no wrong way... *unmistakable sound of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup getting about 1.2 gigawatts of electricity* ...to eat a Reese's. How self-trained Shotokan artist Sakura Kasagano eats a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. "You need to have a certain flair with things." *bends over backwards as she brings the snack to her mouth - not that anyone is looking at her mouth from that angle* There's no wrong way... *Sakura runs by, skirt flairing, and a Peanut Butter Cup is missing* ...to eat a Reese's. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Welcome back!" said Hiroshi. "And tongiht, in more ways then one, eh, Daisuke?" "Yes it is, Hiroshi," answered the co-commentator. "A rebuilt Ultradome, with some added considerations such as new training areas, better lighting, and that new, Haohmaru 2000 Speaker System ready to rock the arena. And, of course, some new contestants all over the place, ready to fight tonight." "And one of them is standing by right now with Yotsuya for her formal introduction right now, so, take it away, Yotsuya! "Thank you, Hiroshi. I'm here with Asuka Soryu Langsley, EVA Pilot and solver of mysteries." "No, I'm not," said Asuka, puzzled. "So, you deny you're an EVA Pilot? I have here -" "No, -" A heavenly chorus sang a chord to the syllable "Ah" for a brief second. Asuka didn't notice. "- I *am* an EVA pilot - just not a detective." "Well, aren't you Ms. Langsley, the lady on "Murder, She Wrote"? "Isn't that Jessica Lange you're talking about?" Yotsuya didn't skip a beat, though perhaps some logic. "So, you do know her. Tell us what she's like." An angelic host proclaimed over Asuka for a brief second. "- no, I don't know her, -" she said, before another interruption from Amy Grant. She still didn't quite notice, trying to figure out what this idiot in front of her was trying to make her say. "So, as you can see, Hiroshi, Asuka doesn't know who Jessica Lange is - who, perhaps, is one of the better actors of our time. It's a pity what NERV is doing to these children's education. Back to you and Daisuke." "WHAT THE -" "o/~HAAAALELUJIA!o/~" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kasumi frowned. "The language on that girl. It's a good thing we had that profanity-altering divine V-chip installed." "She's gonna curse even more when she notices, sis," said Nabiki, cueing up the music for the next match as Touga came out to announce the fighters. "Laaadieees and gentlemen! Our next match will be in the Lambda Division! First, a new team formed at UltraRage Alpha, from Final Fantasy VII and Riding Bean, let's give a warm welcome for Tifa and Bean!" While Bean didn't give too much thought into the music, he did want something that could be driven to at, oh, a hundred miles per hour or so. Tifa liked the theme music of her world. A compromise was found, however, in a remix done by, amazingly, a world that hadn't even heard her version. So it was that they entered to the theme from Final Fantasy VIII, as found on the Brave Fencer Musashi accompanying demo disc. Alas, the other team preparing to enter had their own music, and, like many a wrestler who makes his own entrance theme, it was a reason to go get a soda somewhere far, far away. "And, their opponents, hailing from none other than Pokemon, the wanna-be evildoers, Team Rocket!" Appropriate boos and catcalls were given to both the underhanded Pokemon criminals entering the ring and the overglamorizing music they were singing. Touga stepped out as Mario stepped in, along with Tifa and Jessie. ][LAMBDA DIVISION ][TIFA/BEAN vs. TEAM ROCKET ][FIGHT! Jessie wasted no time in the dirty tricks department. Throwing a Poke ball about five feet in front of Tifa, she shouted, "Pidgeot, I choose you!" Out came the very large bird, talons scraping at the floor in anticipation. The female Rocket gave the order: "Sand attack, Pidgeot!" With that, Pidgeot threw the lack of dust in the ring at the opponent's eyes. Tifa gave the bird a somersault to boost him through the newly-destructed exit in the Ultradome roof as a reward for his ineptitude, with a little skirt flare in the slim hope of arousing either Cloud's jealousy, Bean's interest, or the fan's favor. It was at least successful with the fans. "Hmm, no dust. Well, then, um, Seadra, I choose you!" Out came the sea horse Pokemon, and with better results - this time, Tifa was blinded. If Final Fantasy VII hadn't used magic, that might have worked. For that matter, if the charged fireball the fighter sent a moment later at Jessie didn't have homing capabilities, there wouldn't be a problem or a smoking Rocket launched long enough for Bean to enter harmlessly and use the Pokemon as a spiky bludgeon. Jessie managed to tag out, and had the Seadra put out the flames shortly after. She was immediately thankful that grey is still opaque when wet, in contrast to the many Sakura fans in the audience. Now, it was James' turn. Out came the Mew, to the quite over-used chant. Bean tried slugging it first, but it didn't react that much. From there, he borrowed random objects from the stands, more often than not the ones found bolted down, and began to throw them in a vain effort to hurt the thing. "o/~We have...o/~" "- this thing's tougher than a - "o/~this treasure...o/~" "ox! Wait a minute...what's it doing?" The answer to that could be found in Chapter 11, but the best summation would be a nasty psychic attack with a load of pain and suffering attached for good measure, all in a nice, neat beam package. Bean didn't feel too good, and made for the corner. "See if you can handle her, lass. I'll try to look for something proper to club it with," said Bean, nearly collapsing through the ropes. Tifa, able to see again, was none too pleased at seeing that Pokemon in her way. "All right, let's see what you got." It had quite a bit, actually, as most of Tifa's kicks and punches just made the monster look quizzically at this fly with long hair poking it. Tifa upgraded herself to mosquito status by giving up on the direct method and trying to cook the cat instead. Fire spell after fire spell was sent from the materia slot in Tifa's gloves and into Mew. The Pokemon, lacking the opening it usually received in turn-based combat, smelled delicious after about fifteen seconds. James noted the distinct lack of options, and frowned. "Jessie, uh, can you tag in?" "What do we have left to use?" "Remember the Guile Desperation Strategy?" "Ohhh," said Jessie, tagging in. Tifa stood there, waiting to put the lady down for the count with any number of Limit Break combos. But the last trick fell out of Jessie's sleeve. "MissingNo., I choose you!" The Poke ball popped open, and out came a mess. It didn't look human. It didn't look animal. It didn't look vegetable or mineral, either. It looked like a block of computer code in free-standing format. A better description, for those that would know, would be what a person actually looks like in the Matrix. It was formed, but not in a shape that could be recognized as it was. It was also particularly weak, at level zero. But, you had to be able to fight it, first, and that would only be possible if everything didn't decide to go Windows '98 at that split second, which, not so ironically, it did. Kasumi stared. "Oh, my." Nabiki was too frozen to respond. Hiroshi and Daisuke were both involuntarily silent. Mario was helpless to declare victory for either side, not that they would notice. If one would be able to say, "Nice name, Pantyhose Tarou!" at that moment, they would quite easily get away with it, whether the man in the newly-created "I'm a Dan Fan!" section was last doused with hot or cold water. Kaworu called up to the tree. "Uh, Skuld, we need a reboot." "I'm on it. What happened down there, anyway?" "Someone brought in a glitch and forcibly inserted it into the program." Kaworu sighed. "It came from the Pokemon sub-program. Something called MissingNo." "I thought that sub-routine was self-contained! It should just lock up the Pokemon game, not the whole-" "STOMP!" "- Yggradasil system." The sound of gritting teeth could be heard over the line. "Oh, and see if you can't talk Kasumi out of this V-chip thingie. It's going to use a lot of memory the longer it's in place. Especially on my end." "I'll talk to her, but she *is* God, and what she says, goes. Thanks, Skuld." "No problem. Call me if you need a new world for a special match or something." "We will. Bye." Kaworu set down the phone and waited. An unnoticable moment later, the world resumed, the only difference being a distinct lack of a combination computer- and bug-type Pokemon. Jessie looked around. No, she had no more options. No, she didn't know the first thing about fighting. No, James was busy dealing with a Mew who'd just regained consciousness and was explaining its displeasure at being made Kentucky Fried Cat directly into the male Rocket's mind. "Uh...cigarette?" offered a super-deformed Jessie with a grin on her kawaii face. Tifa's involvement with Avalanche had led her to respect the environment in all its aspects, not the least of which being air quality. In addition, her martial arts training required of her a healthy lifestyle. These values led her to avoid smoking, though she did enjoy making others do so involuntarily and painfully. "Tifa and Bean win!" announced Touga, getting over the blinking sensation that tends to occur when something disappears before your eyes. The rest of the crowd applauded after overcoming the same feeling. Bean stood. "Well fought, lass. Best be going, though, before Japan's finest arrive - despite the pardon." "Okay, Beanie," said Tifa, and they hurried out. Cloud, watching at home, blinked. "Did she call him, 'Beanie'?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Upstairs, Kasumi looked concerned. "I do hope that didn't create a mess or anything." "Yeah, sis," said Shampoo. "Reboots can be messy." Kasumi suddenly had the urge to blink herself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, at the San Quentin Incarceration Center, Ash was busy honing a new technique. "No, toss it a bit first. You throw it immediately all the time, and your opponent can time his attack between throws. Like this," said a blonde- haired inmate, decked out in blue and white stripes to match his eyes. He grabbed a handful of rocks, tossed it a couple of times quickly, and threw it at the stone wall in front of him with a laugh of exhilaration, hitting the brick indicated with a chalk-marked X. Ash took an empty Poke ball from his pack, juggled it in his hand for a second, and then hurled it like a fastball so hard and accurate that cracks formed inside the lines of chalk on the brick. "Yes!" he exclaimed. "I think you've about got it down. Ryu?" "It seems he has learned well, Cody," said the Shotokan master. "There is still much to learn; in particular, I would like him to learn an adequate uppercut, in case he is forced to defend against an aerial attack." "That'll take a while, I'm afraid, and visiting hours are about up," said the inmate from Metro City. "I've had to work almost as long as you to get mine; you know that." "True. Perhaps, another day," said the World Warrior. "Come, Ash. We need to return to the Ultradome, anyway; we have been away a bit long, anyway, and Kasumi hired me to stay nearby in case the one they call Controversial Jack causes some trouble." "Okay, sensei," said Ash. "Bye, Cody! Thanks for the lesson!" "Anytime, kid," said Cody with a wave. "Remember this, though - fighting can lead to trouble. Not that I care about being too much in love with the fight, but, well, it's not like I haven't been to the amusement park so many times in my life. Once you're in here, though -" Cody pointed to the building the marked brick was attached to. "- it's hard to go and see it again." Ash nodded, and he and Ryu went to check out at the guard tower. Cody went back to the guard on duty for escort back to a rather cold and lonely cell, perhaps a bit happier today - day 1,064 of 3,652. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hiroshi returned from the bathroom with an odd grin on her face. "What took so long, Hiroshi?" asked Daisukel. "The next match is about to start." "Had to stop and get something on the way." Daisuke looked worried. "What, exactly, did you get?" "Nothing important." The red-eyed clone tried changing the subject. "So, Daisuke, who's next up?" Daisuke still looked worried. "Uh, we have Asuka Langsley fighting her first match against a mystery newcomer." "Oooh, I can hardlywait," said Hiroshi, speeding up noticably. A glint of metal caught the calmer co-announcer's eye. "What's that in your arm?" "Nothingnothingimportantlet'sgetonwiththematch!" said a suddenly hyper Hiroshi. Daisuke grabbed the arm in question, found the needle, and traced it back to a bottle marked, "Water Joe". "HIROSHI! You know better than that!" Daisuke ripped the needle out of his friend's arm. Alas, this was a bit literally, as the cloning process' noted fragility came to light again. "NERV technicians to ringside," said Daisuke, with a sigh. "Yes, again." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The air-quality of the planet was roughly that of Los Angeles on a sunny day, or maybe Chicago. Not that Asuka, in the controlled environment of an EVA unit. Air enough was provided by the tanks installed in the unit, and for a good reason - borrowing the air from this planet was costly. In fact, from what she'd been told before being transported here, just about everything this planet offered was high-priced and low quality. It was home to such a hive of scam artists that the intergalactic government had erected a nasty, golden- colored blockade around the planet, with enough lasers to vaporize any point inside it that could possibly be trying to flee into the galaxy and subsequently ruin a few economies. These and other reasons led to a strong caution from Shampoo - or was it Nabiki? - to stay within the confines of the RporR capitol's Mid-City, Tax- Free, Outdoor Recreational Center. As she and her EVA were transported, a rapid little beat from out of nowhere started pumping through the Ultradome speakers, followed by, of all things, an synthesized organ. o/~Well, it's not hard to know what you're thinking When you look down on me now Your trance of love is seeking To turn this world around Yet in my state of blind confusion No god can pull me out An' I see your love is willing To turn me inside out...o/~ The beat dropped for a second, as a string orchestra came in to fill the gap. o/~And then I see you there The lonely tears I cry I wish they'd release me....o/~ As "Fade to Grey" faded out before it got more ironic and added some kicking guitar to the mix, Asuka prepared to face her first opponent. Whereas she got to look through Nabiki's library for 1000 yen and find something she liked, her opponent was pretty much stuck with his music. Not that he cared, considering what it was. As Touga announced the other new fighter, to the crowds' shock, an ominous set of trumpet blasts rocked the arena, followed by a very well-known theme that not many could put a name to, though perhaps a movie. Shampoo and Mousse were stuck with "Lai Lai Boy". Tifa was saddled with the Final Fantasy theme. This fighter got none other than the Philadelphia Harmonic Orchestra, directed by a Mr. Williams, pumping out the Imperial March. Asuka saw a fighter clad all in black, with an all-too-familiar mask and perhaps even more well-known, glowing red weapon in front of her. ][OMEGA MATCH ][ASUKA SORYU LANGSLEY VS. DARTH VADER ][FIGHT! "Wait a minute...wait just a -" "o/~...free at last....o/~" "minute...what was that...anyway, if I recall, you died here long before the match we had here, and you're not a fighter or an anime character. So, if I may be so bold as to ask, what the -" "o/~Come and drink from the Carpenter's cup....o/~" "- are you _doing_ here?" Emotion might have shown, were there not a black mask complete with a respirator (currently hooked up to an air tank on his back) in the way. "I believe, if the research the Empire's informants is accurate, that the organization you represent is well aware of the process of cloning. They are not the only ones." The Dark Lord of the Sith paused to take his infamous breath. "As for fighting skill, I can see that you are not aware of the style known as Teras Kasi. Allow me to demonstrate." With that, the clone of one of the greatest science fiction villains ever to grace the silver screen began hacking at Asuka's mech with a vengeance that only comes from those of the Dark Side of the Force, Asuka momentarily distracted by the thought of an author not only bold enough to rig a fanboy character into a piece of fiction, but to subtly break the proverbial fourth wall in the process. "Well, folks," said Daisuke, "it appears those rumors that the Sephiroth vs. Shinji match somehow messed with one of the Empire's experimental labs on Endor were well founded, and a clone of the Emperor's famous apprentice has come to collect for damages rendered." Hiroshi was either trying to fall off his chair in excitement, reclaim the makeshift caffiene IV, or both. "Look at the man in black go! It's almost too bad his lightsaber's not getting anywhere with that AT field." True enough, the shielding on the unit was far stronger than anything found over in his galaxy far, far away. It also had the unique ability to focus on wherever the attack was coming from much faster than you could set on those accursed X-Wings. But this, perhaps, could be used against it. A simple mind exercise, dipping into the Dark Side, and Asuka suddenly noticed her AT field guarding the back. Vader was in the process of hacking away at the front again. This was a problem. Darth Vader decided to try frying a few vital circuits and a lot of non- vital ones while he was at it, striking EVA-02 with purple lightning like his master used to make. "Your personal transport is powerful, perhaps," intoned the Sith Lord, "but it is quite insignificant when compared to the power of the Force." Asuka didn't react well to reusing lines for the purposes of a taunt. "Oh, shut the -" "o/~Kiss me...o/~" "up. Why in -" "o/~Beneath the milky twilight....o/~" "are all..." Realization crept in. She tried a few choice phrases in both English and German while getting out her small-in-mech-scale knife to take on this Dark Jedi. Instead of the phrases, out came some Point of Grace and a little of Bach. This led into "The Devil is Bad" by the W's. Alas, Asuka wasn't the most skillful to begin with in swordplay, and Jedi reflexes tend to be an unfair advantage from the start. Inevitably, the Sith Lord got a good opportunity and put the lightsaber through about half the EVA's lower leg. Asuka screamed in pain, as the problems involved with empathically grooving with your giant robot became rather evident. However, it was at this point that Asuka remembered something quite important. The former Anakin Skywalker was roughly man-sized, as that was what he once was before all the robotic hardware necessary to keep him alive was installed. EVA units were made to a much larger scale, in order to face the similarly-sized Angels. Vader watched as the remaining good leg of EVA-02 reared back to kick him into the selling booths of RporR and, most likely, much farther beyond than he would like to imagine. Were it not for a well-timed guitar chord from Third Day's "Agnus Dei", one might have heard the outer speakers on the mask utter something to the effect of "bantha fodder". One last ditch swing of the lightsaber was, unfortunately, no match for a few tons of steel at high velocity in a controlled pendulum arc toward his unseen face. Son Gokuu, standing back the whole time and trying to avoid the rather annoying requests for information leading to getting off the planet in return for thulium, technology, or pictures of naked bugs, announced the victory. "And Asuka starts off her fighting career in Ultra with an amazing come- from-behind victory," noted Daisuke, restraining Hiroshi from pouring Ale-8 into the blood dispenser NERV had provided. "Though, perhaps, at the cost of her leg. We'll get an update as to her condition as soon as we know it." "But, Daisuke, caffiene is my friend...." "No, Hiroshi. We'll be back with the Sephiroth match after this." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The thrills... [picture of Bean on the recieving end of a ShippuKogetsuzan] The spills... [picture of Karin getting her hair and body crimped by a speaker system suitable for Megadeth concerts] All the action you could hope to contain in a tower... [picture of the Tokyo Tower Brawl about to start] In one video. [shot of Dan screaming for his father] For only 19.95, get the complete copy of the ultimate in pay-per-view events: the nastiest action, the thrilling drama, and the best anime and fighting game action available today! Order UltraRage Alpha now, and we'll throw in a CD, with songs from each of the fighters! Groove to Weird Al Yankovic, One Winged Angel, and more! Call now, operators are standing by! [shot of Kasumi] When God's involved... [shot of Cyber-Akuma getting a nasty cut to the neckline by Gally] all else breaks loose! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Iori would be rather peeved, were he yet conscious. Instead, there was a large gash from a blunt sword across his chest. Not dead, thanks to the rule disallowing sharp pointy things, but not alive by a whole lot. This made it all the easier for Orochi to enter the room. The Yagami and Kusanagi clans may be at war with each other, but they shared a similar distaste for the evil being. And he tended to be rather noticable these days, not to mention almost huggable, an impression Orochibi wasn't happy about. He looked over his options one last time. Take over an unconscious body of Iori Yagami, deal with the wound, and hope he doesn't reassume control when he wakes up. Stay out and wait for another opportunity, as a super- deformed atrocity of his image and having everyone call you kawaii. He went and posessed Iori's body rather quickly, and immediately groaned in pain. "Ooohh...chest pains...." "We're sending help immediately, Mr. Yagami," came over the sick bay intercom. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "All right, it's time for the final match of the evening!" Hiroshi was pumped, as usual. "The fighters are standing by for transport to the world far, far away from here!" "Which, considering one is Sephiroth, is probably a good thing," mused Daisuke. "Let's go to the monitors. Hiroshi - HIROSHI! Put that espresso down this instant!" "AwwwwwbutDaisukekun...." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The world itself was, well, a bit small. It was an artifical world, created for a specific purpose. In one area, a set of tents such as one might find at a carnival were being taken down, their use having already been completed. The world had a few eateries, a gas station, and a couple other amenities outside its main feature - a large, 250-story tower. Inside the tower's main arena, an event not at all unlike the World Wrestling Federation's Royal Rumble was in progress, though with its own, seasoned brand of fighters. In other areas of the tower, especially the basements and sub-basements, various participants of the fighting in the arena above were settling differences in the normal way; that is to say, they were trying to resolve the matter regarding each other's existance, and quite often with large and painful implements, occasionally even explosive. The referee, Son Goku, beamed in along with Sephiroth, One-Winged Angel playing at high volumes. His opponent arrived shortly after, to perhaps a quite fitting, if somewhat gaijin tune from the Beastie Boys. o/~Intergalactic....o/~ Two winged, head attached, and ready to avenge an earlier defeat with his new upgrades, was none other than the robotically altered Master of the Fists. "It looks like we have a rematch, folks," said Daisuke. ][OMEGA MATCH ][SEPHIROTH VS. CYBER-AKUMA ][FIGHT! "You again? I would assume the new head on your shoulders isn't as good as the original." Sephiroth sighed. "It will be interesting, though. Let the dance begin." "........." "Never one for words," noted the silver-haired son of Jenova. "I guess it saves one from death during speeches. That's been happening quite often lately, so I hear. "Ikuze." With that, the sword came to full readiness. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Inside the tower the two combatants stood on, in the arena's control booth, a call was recived by a gentleman we shall call, Wanderer. "Yelo. Okay..." The gentleman turned to his companion. "Hey, Birdman, it's Gabe." The one known as Birdman grabbed the phone. "Birdman here...unauthorized trans-who?...oh, #{!!, can you send them back? We really don't...mommy." Wanderer had to ask. "What's up?" Birdman grimaced. "We're gonna die." "You're panicking again." "No, I'm in full-fledged shock and awaiting rigor mortis. Go open the liquor cabinet and get me something strong. At least I'll die numb." "It can't be that bad." "Sephiroth, Cyber-Akuma, and Son Goku just beamed in from out of nowhere onto yon rooftop. Gabe caught the beam-in, and for some odd reason he can't beam them back, somewhere else, or otherwise." "Okay, that would be bad." Wanderer looked out at the Ultimate Video Rumble going on in the main arena. "Where'd they beam from, anyway?" "Gabe's tracking that now, but he says it appears to be some odd place called the Ultradome..." "Oh," said Wanderer with full realization. "That _other_ tournament." He caught a glimpse of one of the monitors, showing a scrub-loved Capoiera fighter meeting yet again gruesome and painful death. "Well, we might as well milk it for what little it's worth." He pressed a few buttons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sephiroth and Cyber-Akuma were currently in the middle of trying to blast each other. The Masamune was slicing ki-bolts, while two Zankuu-Hadokens and a fist were proving much better than your average Fire 3 spell. Finally, Sephiroth got his sword close enough to swing, only to be blocked... ...and countered with a drill appearing where Cyber-Akuma's robot fist normally would be. "Hmm," Sephiroth hummed. "You've had some adjustments since the last fight, perhaps. This might be good. "Maybe." Just then, out of nowhere, Eddy Gordo appeared on top of the Rumbledome Hotel, roughly in between a very sharp and pointy sword method of death and a very burning and mechanized method of death. The Tekken fighter wondered who exactly had it in for him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Well, if we live to enjoy it, we've got an extra two grand that was just added to the "Keep Eddy Gordo Dead" fund," said Birdman, relieved for the moment. "Hopefully, that'll cover damages." "It should," said Wanderer. "Depends on whether that forcefield we had installed up there after last year's shenanigans holds up." "That's what worries me." "Well, instead of worrying, let's see if this little ditty Gabe set up works," said Wanderer, as he flipped a switch and faced the in-booth camera. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shampoo paused. "We've got a cut into the video feed! It looks like..." She paused to check. "...an advertisement? Free advertising, the nerve!" On the screen, on the ground where the fighters were standing, in the manner of televised soccer, was shown the following: |----------------------------------------| | UVR3 | | Reinventing the Wheel | |http://www.slack.net/~arctic/rumble.html| |----------------------------------------| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sephiroth eyed his competition warily. It'd been a good fight last time; now, he apparently had learned a bit of countering. This might be...fun. As for the new arrival, he'd do as a replacement for the mech he borrowed against Ifurita. The former Shinra employee slashed the dreadlocked fighter to stun him, and then used the flat side of the Masamune to boost Eddy at Cyber-Akuma's left, sending an Ice spell to the opposite side of the Shotokan. Akuma simply Dragon Punched Eddy right back. Sephiroth swung again, this time with a downward stroke. Akuma sent him jetting back with the force of two large fireballs. Eddy realized very quickly that he wasn't going to like this much. He no longer wondered how Kenny must feel. From this point, one might describe the battle as something akin to volleyball, only without the net, boundaries, or rules regarding attacking your opponent, use of legs, or causing excessive damage to the volleyball. Akuma launched Gordo with another Dragon Punch, only to jump up immediately after landing to spike the Capoiera fighter at Sephiroth with a Tenma-Go-Zanku at close range. Sephiroth gave the scrub an upward slash in return, then used Meteor to return the favor. A spinning Hurricane kick would allow Cyber-Akuma to close distance, and the Shining Gou Punch would juggle the poor fighter in yellow leggings, resulting in a lob. Sephiroth used the lob to set up an aerial combo, slamming him downward at the cyborg fighter. Eddy would hurt, hurt, and hurt some more for good measure, all the time considering what legal action this whole mess would fall under. Finally, Cyber-Akuma had had enough, closing the gap for a final attack. As Sephiroth caught Eddy on the business end of his sword, ready to fling and serve with barbecue sauce, Cyber-Akuma charged back, then let loose his new super attack. With blinding speed, the robot launched both Eddy Gordo and Sephiroth into the air, then let loose with something quite indescribable, especially since there was this blue light with a lot of hit flashes in the way. When the veil was lifted, Cyber-Akuma stood there, the kanji for Heaven prominently displayed. Sephiroth and Eddy landed shortly after. Son Goku was about to pronounce the winner, when it abruptly changed. Sephiroth and Eddy exploded on the ground, to different effects. The swordsman got up slowly, hurting, but not dead yet - that was, in fact, the first attack that had landed on either of the two combatants. Eddy, somehow, had been charged somewhat from all the ki and magical energies that had been pounded into his body over the last couple of minutes. Sephiroth, being on the ground when it happened, was unaffected; the blast passed safely over his head. But Bison's modifications had placed a taunt animation following the landing, and they hadn't yet allowed for a damaging explosion to the fighter from an outside force. Cyber-Akuma's demise looked uncannily like many cartoons with the character Goofy therein. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "And there you have it, folks! Sephiroth wins, as Cyber-Akuma's...Final Mission, yeah, that's right...backfires, sending him packing! That's all for this edition of MTCFFu -" A static burst interrupted the viewing signal. "Hi, Ultra Watchers." Wanderer appeared on many an uninvited screen all of a sudden. "Stick around for the next section of the Ultimate Video Rumble, featuring more fighters, more fighting, more humor, and more bloodshed than that peasy-@$$ tournament you *were* watching thinks of in its wettest dreams." "Wanderer, what the #{!!...." Birdman was a bit shocked at his partner- in-crime's language, even though it was par for his course. "I have a commitment to the truth. I gots to say what I think." *knock knock* Birdman peeked at the window. "Wanderer, Dural's here. I think he'd like to see you about the last time you 'said what you thought'." "Eep." The Terminator-2-like robot was rather non-plussed.