Click.

	Click.

	Isolated sounds in a Secret Headquarters of Chaos And Chuck E 
Cheese's Pizza and Video Game Supply Storage Room, echoing in a 
darkened chamber.  The kind of clicking that can only lead to bad 
things.  Very bad things.

	Click.

	"No, that won't work.  If you get an island, you have to name 
it.  And oppress the population.  Which is fun, but then you need 
to buy mops..."

	Click.

	"Hmmm.  Rare print of an Miss Manners column where she 
instructs Lonely in Los Angeles to go kiss a shotgun.  Naah, not 
worth it..."

	WHUMPH.  James finished wheeling in the next crate of pizza 
dough.  This was NOT his thing... he didn't do manual labor!  He 
did Pokemon poaching!  Surely his job description in the clan of 
Sex and Violence said he didn't have to do heavy lifting... right?

	Of course, last time he brought up the topic of 'contract 
negotiation' he found himself crucified upside down and forced to 
watch the live action 'Street Fighter' movie.  After that, he 
tended to feel satisfied with his job whether he actually was or 
not.

	"...a live strain of Ebola!  What do you think, Mr. Duck?" 
Jack asked his desktop, water-resistant companion.

	Mr. Duck made no reply.  At least, not one that could be 
heard outside the tight rubber walls of Jack's mind.

	"Boss, what are you doing?" James asked, eager to get away 
from work for a moment.

	"Oh, I'm cruising eBay(tm)," Controversial Jack said, 
clicking through a few more auctions.  "I recently got twenty 
three skajillion dollars, and I'm trying to find something fun to 
spend it on."

	James' eyes lit up with little yen signs.  "BOSS!  How on 
earth did you get that much money?!  The things I could do with 
it!  Expensive cars, good food, swimming pools, movie stars--"

	"Simple!  I sold all your Pokemon trading cards."

	"..." James said, his soul cracking like a three minute egg. 
The collection he had spent months perfecting, storing them in 
acid free dust protected individually wrapped plastic holders, 
refusing to sell them even when they were strapped for cash and 
buying day old bakery goods...

	"I mean, you should have SEEN the prices those weird things 
were going for!" Jack said, laughing.  "Especially the holo ones. 
I mean, I just said, 'I have a complete set with all rares and 
holos' and BOOM!  Everybody kept bidding on it until we maxed out 
the integer bit depth of eBay(tm)!"

	"But.. but BOSS!"

	"Streeeet Fighter, James--"

	"What a brilliant plan!!" James shouted, twitching and 
sweating.

	"Good, good," Jack said.  "Obedience.  I dig that.  We'll 
whip you pansies into fighters that can challenge that Martha 
Stewart clone Kasumi Tendo's wimps any day now.  Or I'll just have 
you all purged and swept clean by fire.  Out with the old, in with 
the new, gotta keep the controversy fresh or it just becomes 
gimmick..."

	The screen stopped scrolling.  History waited with baited 
breath, as Jack's eye happened to snag one item, and not let 
go....

	Click.

	Available.  In his price range.  Buyer pays shipping.  
Perfect.  Absolutely PERFECT...

	His inner controversy boiled with turmoil and indecision.  A 
little devil appeared on Jack's shoulder.  "Do it, man!  Do it!  
Be evil!  Have fun!  Cause chaos!  Bwahahaha!"

	An angel appeared on his other shoulder.  "I'm with him, 
let's screw 'em hard!" the angel wisely suggested, before playing 
a round of Ultimate Frisbee with his halo and Mr. Duck.

	"It's settled," Jack said to the voices in his head.  "James, 
get the others.  Our time is NOW.  With one stroke, I fell 
Kasumi's entire empire of goodness, wholesomeness, and moronic 
dullness, cutting with the swift blade of the internet and all the 
loonies who use it while spouting a villainish monologue that goes 
nowhere but provides plenty of dramatic buildup to the point where 
I..."

	Hit 'BID'.

	James was speechless.

	Controversial Jack span his cool wheely office chair around 
to face his underling.  "We're moving on up, James, and it's not 
to the east side.  Let's get ready for..."

						*

          {     M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R    }
          {   F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N  }
          {               .-----------.            }
          {               | U-L-T-R-A |            }
          {               `-----------'            }
          { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }

                                
		       |  | |    - +-- ---. ._   
	     	       |  | |      |   | /  | \  
		       |__/  ___   |   | \  | _\ 
		                       ._	
		            UltraRage  | \
		                 BETA: | _\  STYX AND
		                       +---  STONES
	     	                       | -. 
	     	                       \__| 
		                   .-- +--- - +-- ._
		                   |_/ | --   |   | \
		                   |_\ +---   |   | _\

                         Episode 21
                   Written by Stefan Gagne

						*

	Millions of dollars were poured into the promotion.  
Advertisements were just as omnipresent as 1-800-COLLECT was.  Of 
course, using a holy miracle to promote the PPV was not something 
Kasumi would do, but the end result was damn close to one -- 
hushed, excited whispers about UltraRage Beta were spoken in no 
less than five thousand languages around the globe.  A figure 
usually only seen on that Budget Deficit tally billboard in New 
York was poured into Ultra's coffers.

	After subtracting expenses for the campaign and to pay the 
fighters, all the money went to charity.  That's the kind of god 
Kasumi was.

	"These buyrates are phenomenal.  We stand to make more money 
off this pay-per-view than on any of the merchandise to date!  And 
you want to GIVE it away?" Nabiki asked, still astonished at the 
decision.  "Sis... you're GOD.  Why can't you just, you know, wish 
all the charities into having lots of money?"

	Kasumi, ever-calm, sat at the low table in her office and 
sipped her tea before replying.  "You know why," she said simply.

	"I do?  But I..." Nabiki thought about it.  And it hit her in 
the face like one of those signs that you think looks like the 
letter G but is really a buffalo and means you're going to need 
expensive glasses.  "Oh, right.  If you just make money, then 
inflation will rise, and it'll cause problems?"

	"Exactly," Kasumi said.  "And no, I can't just wish all the 
people on earth into happiness and joy.  There are... limits.  
Some actions could backfire quite dangerously."

	"Limits?  On you?"

	"The party line has always been to not mention them," Kasumi 
said.  "The.. one who came before me was very good at this, to the 
point where he didn't acknowledge them himself.  But yes.  Aside 
from them, I can do almost anything -- but that doesn't mean I 
should do everything.  People have to help themselves, sometimes, 
and there are lines I do not wish to cross..."

	"Right.  Anyway, about these other changes to tonight's fight 
card...  I can't say I agree with them.  I mean, we've been hyping 
these for weeks, are you sure you want to take out--"

	A single mouse click shot through Kasumi's mind like a 
thunderbolt.  She wavered slightly, as if faint -- Nabiki moved to 
intercept, but Kasumi was just fine and dandy before her sister 
could get there.

	"Oneesama?" Nabiki asked.  "You okay there?"

	"...I'm fine," Kasumi said.  "But you need to do something, 
fast.  It involves the tickets for tonight's show."

	"Am I going to understand why?" Nabiki asked, in advance.  
Her sister had been so baffling since she became god.

	"No, not yet," the Lord replied, standing quickly.  "But it's 
important.  Let's hurry."

						*


	*Ready for a little of the old... Ultraviolence?*

	Fireworks rocked the UltraDome.  Explosions of light and 
color, pounding rock music driving from every speaker.  The ring 
ropes twitched from the compressed air, as the sound system played 
to acoustic perfection.

	"Folks, we are LIVE AND DIRECT from the Ultradome, and 
this... IS... ULTRARAGE... BETA!!" Hiroshi shouted, posing.  "I am 
DAMN happy to be here, and--"

	"Where is everybody?" Daisuke interrupted.  Very alarmed.  
Looking around...

	At all the empty seats.  Nobody was in the audience.  Not a 
single person.  The music covered the loss of screams and cheers, 
but the eyes had to be believed.  The camera crews were on hand, 
the tech guys were ready, millions were watching on cable 
television, but nobody was HOME.

	"Oro?  It's empty?" Hiroshi asked, looking around.

	"You DIDN'T NOTICE?"

	"Well, I was excited," Hiroshi defended.  "You know how I can 
be when I'm excited."

	"Are we even on?" Daisuke asked, standing on his desk to get 
a better view of the scene.  "Hello?  Can I have some flunky with 
a headset down here?  I want to know what's going on."

	"Hey, Daisuke, just chill.  We're cool.  I mean, we can do 
the show without an audience--"

	"There has to be a reason for this."

	"Sheesh, you with reasons.  Why does everything have to have 
a reason?  You really need to relax!  It's just a sports 
entertainment show, it's not the end of the world."

	...a slow rumble started to shake the UltraDome.  It wasn't 
noticeable earlier over the blaring KMFDM, but now it could be 
felt and heard.  And it was getting louder.

	Daisuke looked up.  "Kasumi, if you heard my partner, I 
swear, he wasn't trying to be ironic.  Please don't smite us..."

	The entire dome lurched.  The massive, megaton steel 
structure gave a jump and a halt, and Daisuke fell off his desk, 
and through the Canadian Announcer's Table with a wooden crunch.

	"...ow," he said, from the pile of splintered table.  The 
dome continued to shake, but now something else could be felt... 
motion.  Motion DOWNWARD.

	Hiroshi grabbed his mike, held onto his desk for dear life, 
and kept the show going.  "Folks, something is very, very wrong!  
The UltraDome feels like... can we get a live shot to outside?  
Put it on the TitanTron!"

	All that showed on the big screen was dirt.  Dirt going up.

	"We're being sucked into the ground!!" Hiroshi declared.  
"This is really exciting!  And more than a little bit scary!  
Where will it end?  WHERE WILL IT END?!"

						*

	It ended over a lake of fire.

	The ceiling of the impossibly huge cavern shattered, leaving 
a huge hole, a column straight up to the mortal plane.  The 
Ultradome dropped like a Kenny Loggins album, and crashed down 
hard on a plateau surrounded by eternal fires of damnation, on the 
shores of Dis.

	The UltraDome had been relocated to the slopes of Hell.

	The dim light of the sun, so far above, was all but gone.  
Eerie organ music played.  Damned souls cackled in glee, swarming 
the building...

						*

	"My pants are officially wet," Hiroshi said quietly, watching 
in awe at the Titan Tron, as a passing incubus flipped him the 
bird and the entire raging mob pounded at the walls, the locked 
doors...

	"It's been a satisfying life," Daisuke mused, nursing a head 
bump.  "I can't say I died poor.  I would have liked to try a 
parfait like Ranma always enjoyed, no matter how girly, but I 
guess ice cream isn't available where I am now... what are you 
doing?"

	"I'm praying to Kasumi!" Hiroshi hissed, on his knees, 
rubbing his hands together and mumbling.  "And if you have any 
self preservation instincts, you will too--"

	"There is no need," Kasumi said, with a gentle voice, as she 
... started to exist behind the boys.  "But I appreciate it.  Be 
not afraid.  I knew this was coming.  That's why I sent the 
audience home."

	"You KNEW the UltraDome was going to get dragged down to 
Hell?" Daisuke asked.  "Why didn't you stop it?"

	"...I can't," Kasumi replied.

	"NOPE, she definitely can't!"

	All eyes (and cameras) (and eyes of the viewers at home, 
sitting on the edge of their seats in anticipation) turned to the 
top of the entrance ramp, the traditional point challenges are 
issued from, and there was Sex and Violence.

	Morrigan and Lillith, looking quite pleased to be here, were 
flanking Controversial Jack, with Sofia and Cage on one side and 
Jesse and James on the other.  All of them were pretty giddy, but 
Jack most of all.

	Jack had changed into his best sharp red power tie.  He had 
donned the kind of sunglasses normally only seen on insane 
skiiers. Mr. Duck was polished to a gleaming shine.  All that, and 
a zesty red sports coat casually slung over one shoulder.  If he 
had posed to look at his watch, there would be a photographer from 
GQ there in a nano.

	"You see," Jack said, passing the coat off to Morrigan, "You, 
mien pals, are looking at the new CEO of Hell, Incorporated.  I 
bought this entire underworld off eBay(tm).  Apparently, thanks to 
Kasumi's nice-nice friends-friends attitude, signing a treaty to 
cooperate with Hell back when she took her job, their wartime 
economy got shot to ... well, here.  All your fault, I might add 
for the second time, Kasu-chan."

	Kasumi said nothing.  Simply staring right back at Jack.

	"...so," he continued, "I bought them out.  Lock stock and 
barrel.  I guess you could call me LORD BEZELBUB, PRINCE OF LIES, 
DARK RULER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY AND WRONG WITH ALL THE POWERS OF 
EVIL AT MY COMMAND but I prefer Controversial Jack, it's not quite 
as stereotypical and makes me sound less like the Orochi.  Any 
questions?"

	Hiroshi slowly raised his hand.

	"You may speak now," Jack granted, with a dismissing gesture.

	"...so are we damned?" Hiroshi asked.

	"What a great idea!" Jack said.  "It's in my power, and it's 
a boffo warm-up act.  New employee orientation, I need to get used 
to this funky fresh career change.  I can't start the apocalypse, 
not without some ramp-up time, but I can have the flies eat you 
two guys right now with a minumum of paperwork.  Doesn't that 
sound nice?"

	Hiroshi was speechless.  Daisuke was glad he paid his life 
insurance.  Not that it would help him much, but he did pay a 
little extra for an 'eternal damnation' rider would provide for 
his family.  You could never be too careful in his line of work.

	"No," Kasumi said.

	"And I can't say I'm into 'eternal pain', it's too boring.  
For you boys, I was thinking something along the lines of Lynn 
Minmei concert marathons and licking Barney the Dinosaur's--"

	"NO," Kasumi repeated.

	"Excuse me, but I wasn't talking to you, missy."

	"You are now," Kasumi said firmly.  (Firmly for her, at 
least.)  "You have no real interest in Hiroshi and Daisuke.  
You're after something else.  What is it?  I have a show to carry 
on with, and you are rambling."

	"Oh, so you're still going to do your little show?  Good!  
Great!  Mr. Duck wanted to see some carnage. ULTRAVIOLENCE, baby!" 
Jack hooted.  "Welly well, I'll get right to business.  I want to 
make a bet with you, Kasumi, and since I know you'd sooner say the 
F-word than take me up on it, if you back out Hiroshi and Daisuke 
are mine.  Collateral damages."

	"Oh lord, here it comes," Daisuke groaned, taking Kasumi's 
name in vain.

	"It's simple, really, like most diabolical plans," Jack 
explained, flashing a PowerPoint presentation up on the big screen 
with colorful, animated slides.  "You guys, represented by this 
pie chart, have your little party as scheduled represented by this 
bar graph, I'm down with that, homeslice.  But your main event, 
represented by this clip art of a garbage can, is going to be a 
LITTLE different.  We're going to kick it Controversial Style.  
I'm talking Absolute Destiny Apocalypse.  YOUR champion, whoever 
you may choose, versus MINE.  Winner takes all.  You win, okay, 
I'll give up Hell and my shagadelic new office.  I'll even punch 
the clock under your corporate banner.  But if *I* win... you give 
me your office.  Your job.  And you're MINE, Kasumi.  You'll pour 
my coffee and type my overly complicated tax forms forever!  
Bwaahahahaha or something."

	"The horror!" Hiroshi gasped.  "No, Kasumi!  Don't do it!  
We're not worth it!  It'll be twenty thousand years of darkness 
under Jack's iron thumb!  Let us be the sacrificial lambs for the 
glory of--"

	"Screw that, I'm worth it!" Daisuke blurted.  "Take the bet! 
 Take it!"

	Kasumi paused.  Not thinking much about it, however.  Her 
mind was already made up, and had been from mere seconds after she 
sensed this coming.  But she wanted to make Jack wait.  And Jack 
did wait, tapping his foot, getting annoyed...

	"I'll take the wager," Kasumi said.

	"Aaaand your champeen?" Jack asked.  "Hero up front, please. 
 It's more dramatic that way."

	"Goku.  Gotta be Son Goku," Daisuke said with confidence.  
"Or maybe Ryu, he's still hanging around, or Washuu, or--"

	"Dan Hibiki," Kasumi replied.

	The planet Earth shook with the force of a billion 
facefaults.

	"....umm.  Boss?" Hiroshi asked, in a very meek voice.  
"Look, I'm a Dan Fan and all.. and he has improved a lot, you know 
I'm the first to admit that, but... but.. JACK'S GONNA PICK SOME 
HULKING BEAST WITH PHENOMINAL COSMIC POWERS, Kasumi!  It'll never 
work!!"

	"Right you are!" Jack said.  "Have your party, and we'll be 
back for the regularly scheduled mayhem.  Come, Sex and Violence, 
we must go fetch our warrior of chaos, then get manicures and eat 
expensive meals in the City of Dis to celebrate in advance like 
the arrogant heels we are!  Kasumi.. you'll find out who's going 
to kick the stuffings out of Dan in EXACTLY a half hour.  Can I 
have a clock?"

	A 30:00:00 clock appeared on the Titantron screen, and 
started to tick down.

	As the group filed out, he also tossed off, "By the way, 
Cage, Sofia, if you two don't have a new gimmick by the end of the 
show, you're going to be Puppy Chow for Cerebus."

	The two jobbers of Sex and Violence stood rock still in 
surprise.  When they realized the group had speedily left them 
behind, they hurried to catch up.

	"...Kasumi, you realize you just damned the world, right?" 
Daisuke asked.  "I mean, no disrespect to your holiness, but that 
was a really boneheaded move."

	"I know what I have done," Kasumi said.  "Please, don't be 
afraid.  Continue the show.  We have to entertain the fans; they 
come first.  It's always for the fans."

	"Speaking of which," Hiroshi said, "We're short a few 
thousand in the stands--"

	The doors flew open, unable to withstand the pressure 
anymore.  In a swirling maelstrom of evil, a thousand unholy 
beasts flooded the arena... and all found seats.

	Only moments later, there was an excited crowd of 
abominations to virtue in the stands, eating popcorn, holding up 
handmade signs and acting like any other Ultra audience would, 
except they had more horns and tentacles.

	Daisuke didn't stare.  Somehow, after what he just went 
through, it made some kind of twisted sense.  He grabbed a stray 
microphone, looked into a camera, and in his best poker face, 
said, "We'll be right back."

						*

	[Commercial.  Lightning crackles across a dead landscape.  
Wind blows.  Dramatic music.  And then... a wooden chair 
knocks the cameraman down.]

ANNOUNCER:  Now for Dreamcast : SHIN FURNITURE WARRIORS!  The 
greatest German CAD furniture designers and top game programmers 
from Japan team up in one spectacular free-for-all!  Take hold of 
your nearest chair, sofa, table, desk, and/or kitchen appliance in 
the multiverse's wildest tournament of fate and destiny!

	[Various game footage shots; mostly people mauling each other 
with chairs, sofas, tables, desks, and/or kitchen 
appliances.]

ANNOUNCER:  Fight with the original warriors: Ikea! Lumi! Yarslov! 
Shelly! Mick! Fifi! Hugh! Or take on Questionable Tournament Mode 
with the J.O.B. Squad of Otto Tickingclock, Harry the Handsome 
Executive, Livewire or any number of other one shot gimmick 
characters!

	[The adorable little tamagotchi like Dreamcast VMU is shown 
with an SD Lumi-chan going 'Wai!' in black and white 
pixellated glory.]

ANNOUNCER:  Play countless inane, time-consuming mini-games, and 
never get a date again -- BUT you'll unlock the HIDDEN BOSS 
CHARACTERS, the most potently nasty furniture warriors in 
existence..

		THE EMPEROR!			DARK QUEEN RADIANCE!

  And the prodigy of Varied Tactical Furniture Style himself...

			MARLO SEMAJ, the 'WEAPONS KID'!

ANNOUNCER:  Only $59.95.  Look for the Furniture Warriors 
Improfanfic, fifteen plus episodes of creamy ass kicking chair 
swinging goodness, at http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic !

						*

	Hiroshi shirked away from the crowd right behind him, or 
rather, from their various tentacles and claws and things.  He 
looked white.  Whiter than usual.  Latex wall paint style white.

	"Folks.. it looks like the show must go on," Daisuke said, 
since his partner was too spooked for words.  "Well, we've got a 
lot of matches for you, including title defenses, and the upcoming 
hardcore Finders Keepers event.  And.. I guess it'll all go off as 
planned, with the small difference that we're in the blackest 
stygian abyss where hope is a mere cinder compared to the crushing 
evil of eternal damnation.  On the plus side, I've been informed 
we're getting hazard pay."

	"Oh, good.. I can buy a Dreamcast," Hiroshi said, the concept 
of monetary gain and violent games snapping him out of his fear.  
"That Furniture Warriors game looks good!"

	"Coming up first, we've got the Gamma Championship match," 
Daisuke started, "Please welcome, from Nerima--"

	Insane grinding heavy metal sounded.  But that could mean the 
introduction of roughly 80% of the Ultra roster.  To make it more 
clear, the person who rolled out and posed for the crowd was 
wearing pink, which narrows the margin down considerably.

	Touga took the mike, as Stone Cold Dan Hibiki strutted his 
bad self on down, hooting and waving to the fans, and striking 
manly poses.  "The following contest is scheduled for one fall.  
Making his way to the arena... Stone Cold--"

	"DAN!" Dan Dan'ed, springing into the air, tuck and roll.. 
and flying taunt.  "YAHOOOIE!!"  He landed perfectly on his feet 
for a change, and snatched the microphone away from Touga.  "Once 
again the master of self-taight Saikyo-style fighting has returned 
to do glorious battle in Ultra!  I will test my might (and prove 
once again how mighty that might happens to be) against this Iori 
Yagami!"

	"He's dead," Daisuke decided.  "Wait a minute.  Wasn't Ranma 
supposed to be fighting Iori tonight?"

	"Let me check my notes.  AH... last minute switch, looks 
like," Hiroshi said, pointing it out.  "Mandate from heaven.  
Wonder why..."

	"Now, I am aware of the upcoming challenge!" Dan said.  "I am 
honored to be the chosen warrior to defend Heaven's might, as is 
very appropriate since I.. AM.. MIGHTY!  Kasumi-sama, I will 
triumph over your arch-nemesis!  I am signed for this match 
already, but I intend to carry through on both!"

	"He is SO dead," Daisuke decided again.

	"Don't be such a naysayer, Daisuke!  Besides, if he loses 
later tonight, we're all doomed," Hiroshi reminded.  "I prefer 
mindless, unrelenting optimism in this situation so my hope isn't 
crushed from the weight of the impending disaster!"

	"YAGAMI!  Hear my challenge!" Dan shouted, taunting the 
entrance ramp (despite no Yagami standing there.)  "I will not 
take your belt, not until I have proven myself in one triumphant 
match as declared long ago.  However, tonight, that match will be 
against YOU!  I intend to annihilate you like the powerful winds 
of a tsunami once.. and then AGAIN, soon enough, for your belt!  
Two glorious victories!  And then, I shall be champion once more, 
as is my destiny!"

	Iori Yagami quietly stepped out of the crowd, rolled into the 
ring, and walked up behind Dan.  Slowly.  Handing his Gamma 
championship belt to Touga for safe keeping, cracking his 
knuckles.  Limbering up.  The crowd started to shout things like 
'Turn around', and 'Turn around,' and 'Turn around you idiot' but 
Dan continued to taunt regardless.

	"Yes, Iori!  You will be flat, like a fine meal from the 
International House of Pancakes!  I've seen your matches, and 
although you bleed magnificently, you lack SHOWMANSHIP!  I, Dan, 
will teach you how to ENTERTAIN your fans!  I will 
ghghahakghakhgagkhgakghakghkh..."

	"You talk too much," Iori said simply, his hands crushing 
Dan's thorax, before purple flame erupted around the Pink One's 
body.

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #1 : GAMMA TITLE DEFENSE
][ DAN HIBIKI vs. IORI YAGAMI
][ FIGHT!!

	"I can't look," Daisuke said, turning his eyes away from the 
ring carnage.. just in time to see a young boy heading towards 
them.  With speed.  Not running, just.. walking at a very 
aggressive pace.

	"Wow, Dan's actually holding in there," Hiroshi color-
commented, watching the action as Dan broke away from the hold and 
did his famous Stop, Drop and Roll So You Don't Burn To Death 
Taunting Action.  "Maybe Iori's peeved that he has to fight Dan 
and isn't bothering to make an effort, but I think Dan really has 
the resiliency and spirit to do this, Daisuke.  He--"

	"Doesn't deserve this shot," the boy said, unfolding a metal 
chair from the nearby rack, and sitting next to them.

	"Oh, hey, Ranma," Hiroshi said.  "You picked a good place to 
sit!  This is the best view in the house, what with all the bat 
wings and giant eyes blocking view from the seats.."

	"I don't believe this," Ranma said, grumbling.  "*I* was 
supposed to get a belt shot tonight.  But no.  Apparently, 'they' 
switched it to Dan at the last minute.  And he's not even 
challenging FOR the belt!  He's just showing off!"

	Dan wobbled around, trying to get his balance off the crazed 
gyroscope path it had been following.  He steeled himself, as Iori 
just... stood there.  "Insolent!" Dan barked.  "Now I make my 
offense!  DAN DAN KIIICK!"

	"That's his ONLY move!" Ranma protested, as Dan landed the 
first two kicks -- only to get taken out of the air by a spiraling 
flame from Iori.  "I tell you, Hiroshi, does this make any sense? 
First Sakura takes the belt off me... okay, I can see that.  She 
was smart.  But then it goes to HIM.  And what am I doing, these 
last months, when I should be getting another shot as the number 
one contender?  I'm fighting Kunou, and a bunch of other mid-
carders.  And now THIS!  I swear, next week, you'll probably see 
me jobbing to Johnny Cage or something!"

	Iori was getting bored.  "Die," he suggested, before going 
from full menacing loiter to a blurring rush -- latching onto Dan 
like The Club, and starting to tear into him, blood flying 
everywhere, Dan screaming like a cheerleader.

	"What an impressive attack from Iori!  He's Hardcore even 
without weapons!" Hiroshi shouted.

	"Now, THERE is a fighter," Ranma agreed.  "Him I could face 
in the ring and really go all out with.  He's got adaptability, 
strength, AND a desire to win..."

	"Why not get your team to back you up with the brass upstairs 
and protest?" Daisuke suggested.

	"Team?" Ranma asked.  "What team?  Ryouga got lost.  Tofuu's 
too embarrassed to come back, from what I heard.  Ukyou's got a 
business to run.  Don't even talk about Mousse and Shampoo, I'm 
the sort of guy who likes to avoid someone who wants to marry you 
and someone who wants to kill you because the other one wants to 
marry you.  And like I want to owe COLOGNE another favor... I'm 
already in enough debt to her for the training she's giving me."

	Dan fell into the corner, leaning heavily on the turnbuckle. 
 He was a mess, but he was still breathing, and chose to view this 
as a positive thing.  Slowly.. he pushed away, and got back to his 
feet, stable.

	"I.. won't.. LOSE!" Dan declared.  "For my father, for 
Kasumi's honor, tonight is my night to shine...... OYAJIII!!"

	For lack of a better word, Dan floated towards Iori.  It was 
more of a screwball wobble, but it WAS done an inch off the 
ground, his arms pinwheeling as if to keep him in the air like a 
flapping bird.  Confused at what he hopes to accomplish with this, 
Iori simply assumed a defensive pose--

	Dan exploded.

	Fighting experts knew what it was.  It was the Raging Demon, 
the Satsu no Hadou. ...sort of.  Instead of a white blast of 
light, it was pink, and when it was all over, BOTH opponents were 
blasted and dazed on the ground, Dan apparently getting the worst 
of it -- but doing enough damage to Iori in the process to rival 
Wolverine's cut-up job done in as many weeks.

	"HOLY COW!  Dan just pulled a can of whoop ass out of a hat 
on a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!" Hiroshi shouted.  
"Folks, if only Dan can get up, we may have a new champion!!  Dan 
Hibiki will be the Gamma Champion, the first two time belt holder! 
Ranma, did you SEE... Ranma?"

	The young Saotome calmly folded up the chair he was sitting 
on, held it in a white knuckled grip, and approached the ring.  
Dan had started to get up, crawling over to lay some final justice 
onto Iori -- only to kiss the seat of Ranma's chair.

	"WH-- HEY!  Ranma just laid Dan out flat!" Hiroshi 
redundantly stated.  "Where's the referee?!"

	"...I don't think we have one this match," Daisuke said.  "I 
mean, the only one we have available is Mario, and he's been in 
the doghouse with the front office lately..."

	Ranma tossed the chair aside, and climbed out of the ring.  
Unhindered, Yagami came to and sat up.. before the final count 
that sounded the bell, declaring the match over.

	"Your winner, and still Gamma champion, Iori Yagami!" Touga 
announced.

	Yagami frowned.  He wasn't stupid.  And he didn't like this. 
He glared at Ranma, who glared right back as he walked up the 
ring.

	"You," Iori said, pointing to the young boy.  "You I will 
have next week.  And it will not be a match you can win simply by 
beating someone unconscious."

	"That's exactly what I want.  You, not HIM.  I'll be there 
with bells on," Ranma declared, and marched backstage.

	"Ranma just turned to the Dark Side?!  Well, sort of.  Wow, 
this is really unexpected!" Hiroshi shouted.

	"Frankly, I'm surprised Ranma didn't snap from the sheer 
frustration over the futility of his existence years ago, what 
with his life constantly plagued with enemies and unwanted love 
interests and paranormal phenomenon that prevented him from having 
any sort of normal upbringing or happy life when the only two 
friends he had who didn't want him dead were jealous of his female 
body and his fiancees," Daisuke recited.

	"..." Hiroshi agreed.

	"We'll be back right after this, folks."

							*

	Backstage, two very nervous people were watching the 
complimentary monitors, as the cleanup crews peeled Dan off the 
mat and took him backstage for some hearty doses of Phoenix Down.

	"...he wasn't serious, was he?" Johnny Cage asked.  "You 
know, about pulverizing me next week.  I mean.  Not that I'd have 
any problems facing him, since he's just some dumb kid, but--"

	"Relax, Cage, Ranma has bigger fish to fry," Sofia scoffed.  
"And we have bigger problems than that.  We need a gimmick.  
Something Jack-san will appreciate."

	"Yeah, it'd be really stupid to invoke his wrath, what with 
him becoming Satan, and soon to become God, and all."

	The two sat in worried silence.

	"...I have a very bad feeling about that whole 'God' thing," 
Sofia stated.  "I respect Jack's ability to shake things up -- 
lord knows this pathetic federation needs it.  Any crowd that 
thinks that schoolgirl brat is sexier than ME... but this 
spectacle television show is one thing, and the world is entirely 
different..."

	"I know, I know.  I mean, I was thinking, for instance, 
like... if Jack's god, then will he make Hollywood crank out 
pornos?  My career would be ruined!"

	"Porno..." Sofia said, licking her lips, lost a moment.  Then 
focused on the present.  "Why, afraid your prowess at that 
pathetic looking uppercut and green flame attack won't help you in 
bed?"

	"No!  I mean, of course.. I mean, let's leave my manhood out 
of this!  I'm just saying that life with Jack up there might not 
be fun for ANYBODY.  I mean, we'll be in positions of power, so it 
won't be too bad, if we can make up a new gimmick he likes, but... 
you know.  Like.  You know."

	"Your grasp of the language is stunning as usual.  FOCUS, 
Cage!  What do we do best?  Capitalize on strengths, and decide 
our new image in Sex and Violence through talent!  For instance, I 
myself am skilled with a whip, and enjoy the taste of leather on 
my lithe, toned body, and delight in the screams of a man broken. 
I'd make a GREAT dominatrix gimmick fighter!"

	"...you already are a dominatrix gimmick fighter."

	Sofia's face fell.  "Oh.  Right.  Slipped my mind.  Whip, 
leather suit, right, got those. ...although..."

	"Although?"

	She grinned at him.  Quite evilly.  "I'm missing ONE 
thing..."

						*

	Far away from that soon to be scary scene, two people were 
very quiet.  One because she was busy researching science, the 
other because she was busy researching tequila.

	Washuu sat slumped over her desk, holding the bottle in one 
hand, and a copy of Ifurita's readouts in the other.  Squinting a 
bit, to try to see them through the haze.  It was called 
multitasking; in this case, threading one process of trying to 
find a way to break Bison's control once and for all, and 
threading a great deal of self loathing for her forced retirement 
from Ultra directly from a bottle.  True, it wasn't the most 
efficient methodology, but it was satisfactory for her.

	Gally was just on one thread; checking the Internet for 
sources about Psycho Power.  She hadn't made much progress.  
Despite being the most sophisticated android science had ever 
patched together, she didn't know very much about this technology. 
This was Washuu's area.  Washuu did the work, made the decisions, 
and Gally just helped however she could...

	The young girl rubbed her temples, and looked over at Washuu. 
She SHOULD be helping however she could.

	"Washuu, this isn't getting us anywhere," she said.

	"No," Washuu agreed, waving the bottle.  "But it's a fine 
nowhere to be getting to, when there's really nowhere to go.  It's 
a, you know, thing.  Pointless thing.  You see."

	"Why don't we just go with my plan?" Gally asked.  "We KNOW 
where the Shadowloo base is.  I'll raid it.  I'm fast enough.  I 
can get Ifurita out of there before they can--"

	"She'sh fightin' today," Washuu said.  "Nada."

	"You didn't tell me she had a fight at the show."

	"Didn't see why it was sig.. shig... important.  It's 
useless.  We needa Psycho Power expert; s' too closely guarded a 
practice, don't got any data on it.  But only experts I know, Sie 
and Athena... they're gone.  An' even if we got to Bison's control 
room, to bust the link, we wouldn' know how to bust it.  Nobody 
does.  I'm suspended from Ultra.  It's over.  I'm going to sleep 
this off.  Excuse me." And her head bobbed down with a quiet 
thunk.

	Gally frowned.  She looked back at her computer, and moved 
for the off switch.  Nothing could get done with Washuu all mopey 
like this...

	Her hand stayed before hitting that switch.

	WHY couldn't anything get done?  She sat back, thinking.  
Okay, so.. she hadn't taken much of an active role in this.  She 
was still getting used to this place, to what she was supposed to 
be doing.. still looking for some good fights to train with.  But 
she could put a plan together.  She HAD to be resourceful in Scrap 
Iron City, decisive, a doer.  Why turn into.. a lackey when 
getting here?

	Besides, usually geniuses overlook obvious things that 
ordinary folks like her didn't.  (Not that Gally was ordinary by 
any stretch of the imagination, but in comparison to Washuu, the 
artist formerly known as Prince would look normal.)

	Gally logged off the Internet.  She didn't believe in it, 
anyway.  Jumping nine feet in the air to reach the top of Washuu's 
massive refrigerator, she grabbed a phone book, and on some gut 
impulse turned to P.  Her other hand went for the phone.  If she 
WAS going to execute some plan of her own design, it had to be 
soon.  Specifically... when Ifurita was out fighting.


						*

	The clock continued to tick on screen.  The camera got a good 
shot of it, to heighten the drama, while Hiroshi ranted.

	"Jack's ultimatum may be just around the corner, but it's 
also time for the Omega title defense, folks, and it's a surprise 
indeed!" Hiroshi said.  "Shin Akuma, the current title holder, 
issued an open challenge to Ifurita.  Although the two have no 
real grudges, he does want some words with her master, M. Bison!"

	"What's the M stand for?" Daisuke wondered, as do many, this 
being one of the many questions that hover through the universe 
leading those who ask them to contemplate the nature of reality 
itself and their roles in it.

	"We go LIVE to--"

	"Hold on," Daisuke said, holding his ear in a way that's 
instantly recognizable by any member of the Secret Service.  "I'm 
getting word from the booth that something else is going on."

	"Something else?!" Hiroshi babbled, his gears shifting from 
first to third while pulling a hard ninety down the freeway.  
"What?  What?  Tell me!  The suspense is KILLING me, man!"

	"...I hope for your sakes that's not the case, because 
according to this, NERV is about to get very busy.  An angel has 
been spotted over Tokyo-3."

	"OH MY GODDESS!  I mean, Aa! Kasumi-sama!"

	"Being the responsible television broadcasters we are," 
Daisuke said, "We will of course be bringing you this bloody 
conflict that has the potential to end the world as part of 
tonight's festivities.  Cross your fingers, people."

						*

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #2 : ANGEL ATTACK
][ EVA-01 vs. ???
][ FIGHT!!

	NERV central was not a picture of calm and rational thinking.

	They'd gotten a bit soft lately, what with the angels not 
constantly pounding on the city.  Slacked off.  Taken to having 
touch football games in the control room.  Pizza had been ordered 
and the delivery boys let into high security areas.  Misato had 
even arranged a Playboy photo shoot while draping herself across 
EVA-01.

	But all the fun and games were over.  The alarm had 
triggered.  An entity with blood type blue had shown over Tokyo-3.

	Gendo sat, as is his wont, behind his desk, hands neatly 
folded in front of his face to save NERV's dwindling budget.  
Waste not, want not.

	"Do we have visual?" he asked.

	"Negative!" a flunky shouted.  "It's just a ball of white 
light completely encased in an AT-Field!  It's hovering directly 
over the city block above Terminal Dogma!"

	"I don't understand.  I thought the war was over," Fyutsuki 
asked.  "Why would Kasumi be sending an angel now?  Does she want 
to start Third Impact after all?  The Dead Sea Scrolls hadn't 
mentioned any of this."

	"The fate of mankind rests in our hands.  The destiny of the 
Human Complementation Project.  As well as our budget, fame, and 
merchandising opportunities from the high ratings and pay per view 
buyrates," Gendo rationalized.  "Sortie Unit-01 and Unit-02."

	"No good.  Asuka's still injured from what Sephiroth did!" 
Misato called over.  "We could send Rei..."

	"She's busy making a public appearance in a bikini at the 
opening of a car wash in Hokkaido," Gendo admitted.  "Our 
shoestring budget is going to snap soon at this rate... but for 
now, sortie Unit-01.  Shinji will have to be enough.  We cannot 
allow the angel to start Third Impact."

						*

	Shinji gripped the controls of his Eva tightly.  Trying hard 
to get that 'fighter's Zen state of honorable control' he'd seen 
so many times at Ultra.

	It wasn't happening.  He didn't want to be here, he didn't 
want to be back in an Eva.  Only last week he was watching Grave 
of the Fireflies, which sunk him back to his usual levels of 
despair and self-loathing, and now he was going to have to save 
the world again, which wasn't any big improvement--

	His head banged against the side of the plug when his Eva 
went around that 45' bend in the shaft.  Ugh.  Why couldn't they 
just have made them go straight up?  But only seconds later, he 
was street level, and into action.  At least his sync rate was 
back, wobbling around the 70% level.  Enough to get rid of the 
angel, so he could go back to bemoaning his fate and trying not to 
run away...

	(Yeah, Shinji was back to normal.)

	The angel was not very large, nor very monstrous.  A ten foot 
in diameter ball of light.  (Or just over three meters for most of 
the civilized world.)  It hovered, rock still.  Waiting.

	Not willing to give it a chance to grow tentacles or lash out 
with energy ribbons or mutate into a fifty story tall cube, Shinji 
whipped out the progressive knife, and slowly charged.  The blade 
hit the AT-Field--

	And stopped dead.  Not even grating at the surface or testing 
the red pulsing octagon.

	The light around the angel faded... revealing a human form.  
A form with brilliantly glowing white angelic wings, but otherwise 
perfectly human, in a second-hand store pink dress, and with 
shining eyes...

						*

	Bean whistled while he worked, adding a few more sheets of 
lead to the lining of his boots, before lacing them up with barbed 
wire.  He hadn't had many opportunities to really brawl to his 
heart's content here, and intended to do so tonight.

	Fortunately, his partner was in a good mood.  He'd been 
driving her all over Tokyo -- she'd insisted on buying a whole new 
wardrobe and new music and other new things... something about 
starting her life over.  Tifa Lockheart was a happy camper at 
last, after her depressive swing from her trip home.

	Idly, Bean watched the monitor, to see what was going on with 
Ultra.  Cocked his head.  "Hey, Tifa, there's some girl floating 
in the sky being fighting EVA-01.  Check it out."

	Tifa, who was busy trying to change her hairstyle with a 
little gel and a comb, leaned out of the dressing room.  "Huh?" 
she asked, and took a good look...

	And went dead silent.

						*

	The angel stayed put.  Dumbfounded, Shinji held the knife in 
place, not really trying to push it through the field.

	'There is no need for violence, Ikari Shinji,' the young 
angel said, her voice resonating with absolute perfection into the 
ears of the Eva pilots, into the minds of those at NERV.  'I have 
come on a mercy mission from heaven.  I do not wish to hurt any of 
you.  Please, hear me out.'

	"...what?  You speak our language?" Shinji asked, speaking 
his first complete sentence of the day.  He stepped back, giving 
the angel room... puzzled.  Usually the angels would be whipping 
out energy ribbons or drilling through the street or chewing on 
his head by now.  Except that one other time...

	'The war is over,' the angel continued.  'The administration 
has changed, as you know.  The original purpose of the system 
sephirotha is no longer... appropriate.  I've come to take Lilith 
home, the angel you have taken prisoner.  You have no further need 
of her, and can go in peace once she is returned.  This is 
Kasumi's decree, as given by myself, her angel of healing and 
solace, Aerith Gainsborough.'

						*

	Somewhere in the UltraDome, Sephiroth raised a single 
eyebrow.

	"So," he mused to himself.  "She has become like me in her 
death, has she?  Relatively interesting."

	He turned off the television, no longer interested, and 
resumed his exercising.  If any young women were around to watch 
his oiled chest flex as he made practice katana draws, they'd 
probably swoon.

						*

	NERV central control was silent.  Silent in shock.

	Gendo's knuckles tightened inside his mickey mouse gloves.

	"...sir?" Misato asked.  "I think she's expecting a response, 
sir..."

	Shinji cut in on the comm channel. "*Uh, guys?  What's the 
game plan here?  Does this mean it's over?  It's finally over?  I 
don't have to pilot Eva anymore, or--*"

	"Kill her," Gendo said, quietly.

	Misato paled.  "S-Sir?"

	"Destroy the angel.  Sortie," Gendo repeated.  "None of them 
will have Lilith.  The Human Complementation Project must proceed 
as planned.  There is no other path for humanity's salvation."

	"Sir, this is God's own orders, I really think--"

	Gendo ignored her, activating his desk comm panel.  "Shinji, 
eliminate the angel.  Use whatever means necessary.  Self destruct 
if you must."

	He ignored the start of protests, flicking the channel 
closed.

						*

	The Eva instinctively raised the knife arm, to stab down -- 
Shinji concentrated, to force it to stop.  This had to be a 
mistake.  Dad wanted him to...?

	Aerith made no expression in response to the transmission, 
except a faint look of sorrow.  'There is no choice in the matter, 
Ikari Gendo.  I am authorized to start Third Impact if you do not 
cooperate in releasing your prisoner.  But I'd rather not...'

	Third Impact.  Shinji lashed out, from gut reaction fear of 
that, and punched Aerith out of the sky.  He quickly grabbed 
control of the Eva again, shocked at what had happened, watching 
Aerith spiral out of control...

	The angel seemed to slam down to earth... but then curved, 
before hitting the surface, and stood her ground on street level. 
 A simple metal striking staff was produced from thin air, rather 
than some sort of holy sword of fire.

	'I must complete my task.  My apologies,' she said.  And then 
burrowed directly through the ground, at high speed.

	"*She's getting away... Shinji, go after her!*" Misato called 
out.

	Shinji's Eva was motionless.

	"*Don't just stand there, get to Terminal Dogma before she 
does!  We're in trouble here, Shinji!*"

	"But--"

	"*GO!*"

	An angel.  Just think of her.. it as an angel.  Third Impact. 
 He was supposed to save the world.  It was the same tune he'd 
heard before, he could go through the motions if he ignored 
everything else.  That would be easy.

	Shinji considered the problem.. the tiny hole in the ground. 
Massive purple EVA arms tore the street apart, and dug his way 
straight down to what was not China, in hot pursuit of the angel.

						*

	In a quiet, air conditioned office, Kasumi sat in her 
comfortable chair, watching the action on a tiny monitor.  She 
remained very silent, very still.  Her sister, however, was biting 
at the nails and hoping that her recently purchased mutual funds 
wouldn't prove to be a moot point in face of the apocalypse.

	"...sis..." Nabiki started.  "I thought we agreed to let them 
keep the Evas and everything.  That they'd be more useful on the 
show than in some dangerous angelic war..."

	"That's true," Kasumi stated.

	"Then WHY did you send.. who is that, anyway?  I don't 
recognize her."

	"A new recruit for heaven.  Her life had ended quite early, 
albeit necessarily.  She wanted to continue to help people, and I 
offered her a new existence so she could do just that."

	"Ah.  Well... I suppose it's not coming out of my taxes, at 
least.  But why are you DOING this?  Now, of all times, when we've 
got Jack's little challenge to worry about? ...you're not doing it 
so you can handle loose ends before... losing your office, right?"

	Kasumi considered the question seriously, before giving the 
only honest reply she could.

	"Sore wa, himitsu desu," she said.

	Nabiki smacked her forehead in frustration.

						*

	Terminal Dogma.  Dali probably designed this place in a tag 
team with Escher.  If the surreal landscape doesn't get you 
creeped out, Lilith, the seven-eyed angel on the cross that 
vaguely resembled the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man would.

	Somewhere above, rumbles could be heard, as Shinji had a 
running battle with the invading angel, but Shinji barely heard 
the noise around him, as he effortlessly moved Eva into combat 
patterns and digging techniques.  He just heard his father's 
words.  Destroy the angel.  Destroy the angel.

	There was a time, with Kaoru, when he was told, destroy the 
angel...

	And he did.  Because he didn't want to run away.  Because 
Kaoru was an angel and angels were bad, and he was told to, and he 
always did what his daddy told him.

	The ceiling collapsed, Shinji dropping ten stories to kick up 
a small tidal wave of LCL, and he barely noticed.

	But when a small glowing flicker snapped across his vision, 
his instincts and the Eva's instincts synced, and he snatched it 
out of the air.

	"*Good work, Shinji!*" Misato proclaimed, "*You got her!*"

	Her?

	Shinji blinked a few times, just catching up to current 
events.  Aerith had been neatly snagged by the giant hand of EVA-
01.  Locked solid into its AT-Field, held for a critical moment.

	Aerith's eyes looked into his, just as Kaoru's did...

	EVA-01 didn't flinch, didn't move.

	"*What're you waiting for?!*" Misato called, getting 
progressively nervous, given Shinji's predilection for having 
nervous breakdowns at just the wrong times.

	EVA-01 made no motion of squashing the angel.  Shinji didn't 
touch the controls, made no motions.  His Eva had acted out of 
sync too many times today; this was the only way to keep it in 
control.  Tension locked his muscles, forcing them to inactivity, 
to rigidity.  Some small part of him, distant from common sense, 
said that if he just stayed like this forever, nobody would have 
to get hurt, everything would be fine as long as--

	"*Shinji*," Gendo's voice sounded.

	--he didn't hear THAT VOICE...

	"*Shinji, destroy the angel.  Your instructions are clear.  
Get on with it.*"

	"..." Shinji replied, his will weakening.

	If Gendo had said anything sympathetic, anything 
understanding, made ANY attempt to comfort his son in a parental 
sort of way, the following wouldn't have happened.  Unfortunately, 
his next words to Shinji were

	"*Don't shame me, boy.  Do what you are told.*"

	Snap.

	Shinji's fist tightened; but not over the controls.

	"...no," he said.

	"*No??*"

	"No!" Shinji said, some psychological brick wall he usually 
bonked his head against giving way from repeated stress fractutes. 
"No.  I don't WANT to do what you tell me.  I feel miserable.  I 
won't murder another person, like I did to Kaoru!  I don't have to 
do what you say.  Ever since you stuck me in this television show, 
I've been ... talking to people, and making friends, and I even 
got to see Kaoru again, and I was controversial for awhile and it 
felt GOOD -- you even talked to me like I was your son then!  I 
don't care if it was the wrong way for me to be, at least it 
SHOWED me what COULD be, that I could be something else, and.. and 
no!  Forget it!  There's more to life than piloting Eva and saving 
humanity!  Kasumi's shown me that!"

	A long pause.

	"*Shinji, I'm going to activate the dummy plug in your suit, 
and we'll discuss this later.  Clearly you aren't thinking about 
your actions--*"

	EVA-01 made a motion, at last.  Shinji's sync rate flared to 
99.9%, a new high, as the hand holding the angel pulled in close, 
to protect her; and equally, while the unit raised its other arm, 
twisted its hand around, and extended one middle finger.

	"CRAM IT WITH WALNUTS, Dad!  I'm still Shinji Ikari, but I'm 
not doing your dirty work anymore!"

	The Dummy Plug circuit tried to cut in; tried.  Shinji pushed 
at it.  Pushed HARD, merging so far into his Eva, with his rage, 
with his revelation, to BECOME the Eva, see through its eyes... to 
act, to push out the control.

	An AT-Field so strong that quantum particles had to turn 
around and go home spread in front of him, blocking out the 
protesting voices.  The sync rate hit 100% just before all 
readings went to /dev/null.

						*

	"It's no use!" Misato shouted.  "EVA-01's blood type just 
went full blue!  It's switched sides!"

	"... I have wet my pants," Gendo quietly declared.

	The AT-Field exploded sideways, dissolving as...

	It showed an empty cross.  EVA-01, Aerith, Lilith, gone.  No 
Third Impact, no nothing.  Rather anticlimactic, although given 
that the climax would have melted all life on earth into a puddle 
of red goo, this was not a bad thing.

	"..." Misato said, trying to get her heart to resume beating. 
 When it did, the adrenaline backwash wore off, and exhausted 
relief set in. "Ah... well.  I guess they left... presumably back 
to heaven.  ...Shinji went with them..."

	Gendo sat back at his desk.  Frowning.  Various NERV 
employees were exchanging high fives and generally congratulating 
each other on not dying in a cataclysmic end of the world.  It was 
a time to celebrate.  There was no more reason for the angels to 
attack.  They could all go get much higher paying, less 
apocalyptic jobs.  The NERV project was genuinely, officially 
over.

	The thought of it made the man sick.

	"...it's not over," Gendo said, quietly.

	Fyutsuki hid his noise maker and paper hat.  "Ah, pardon?"

	"We're going to get Lilith back," Gendo said.  "Or we'll 
clone her, somehow.  The Human Complementation Project must 
continue."

	"Ah.. Gendo, with all due respect--"

	"This was the only path to salvation.  The only way back for 
me to Yui.  It was all laid out in the scrolls," he continued.  
"Don't you see?  Kasumi doesn't want humanity to evolve.  To 
progress.  So she took away the only tool we had as a 'peace 
gesture'.  She fooled my son.  We will fight.  Even if it means 
declaring war on heaven itself.  I WILL be at the center of Third 
Impact.  I don't care what God thinks."

						*

	Of course, there WAS this sports entertainment show going on 
during all this... and they got all of it on camera, except for 
that pesky little bit at the end which would have warned them of 
important things.  Since they didn't, the audience was gleefully 
cheering and stomping their feet and tentacles and other things.

	(Demons may be evil, but they didn't want to melt into a lake 
of LCL any more than humans did.  Of course, an ANGEL won, and 
that wasn't cool, but it could be ignored for now.)

	"...GREAT GRAVY!  I can't believe what we just saw, folks!" 
Hiroshi babbled.  "Shinji turning his back on NERV!  Lilith 
rescued!  And not the lolicon succubi, either!  Only on Ultra can 
you see this kind of intense action, folks!"

	"I think NERV's not going to be happy at heaven," Daisuke 
said.  "And you know, we're technically heaven's employees, so..."

	"So?"

	"You'd better try not to die anymore, Hiroshi.  I think the 
era of free backup copies is over."

	Hiroshi paled.  More than usual, at least.

	"Coming up after the break, we'll have the long delayed Omega 
match," Daisuke said.  "Stay tuned."

						*

	Meanwhile, somewhere, a clown cried.  But that's not 
important right now.

	What is important is the arrival of three angels in heaven.  
EVA-01, Lilith, and Aerith, all touching down on cloud nine, just 
outside the bowling alley.

	Lilith wasn't the verbal type.  She simply gave a nod and 
seven blinks in thanks, and vanished, off to wherever angels went 
to relax after a few years of imprisonment.  Possibly to bowl.  
Aerith remained behind... offering Shinji a hand.

	"You can come out now," she said.  "You did well."

	And Shinji found himself standing there, calmer now, the 
aggression that was grasping his brain easing off.  "...this.. 
this is heaven, isn't it?"

	"Yes, this is.  I suppose you'll have to take sanctuary here, 
after your split with your father.  But that's okay.  Perhaps you 
can help us.  I couldn't introduce myself very well; I'm a new 
recruit too, like you..."

	"...I'm working for Kasumi now?" Shinji asked.  "How so?"

	"Well... you ARE still entered in Ultra, unlike me, and you 
have your Eva synchronized with your being, and you have combat 
training, so..."

	Shinji swallowed.  Hard.  "...so I have to pilot Eva and save 
the world?"

	"Basically."

	"...nuts." Shinji's heart sank.  Still, it had to be better 
than what NERV wanted of him.. it had to.  One question remained. 
"...where is my Eva unit?  It sort of vanished when you took my 
hand..."

	"Well.  When you synchronized..."

	"Hai?"

	"You REALLY synchronized."

	"..."

						*

	In remote Thailand, the world's most obvious evil 
headquarters and secret city hidden in a very large Buddha statue 
that stuck out like a sore thumb was remarkably quiet.  Even when 
the dimensional portal opened just beyond some bushes, it made no 
sound, neither did the two figures who stepped through.

	Well, no.  Gally's companion had high heels that tended to 
click unerringly on any hard surface.  But hopefully that wouldn't 
be a problem.

	It didn't take much time to convince her companion to come 
along for the ride.  All Gally had to mention was someone abusing 
Psycho Power, then Bison's name, and everything else was 
irrelevant.  Which is good; she had no idea how long the Omega 
fight with Ifurita would distract Bison from this base, and 
although infiltrating would be easy enough for her, she had no 
clue how long disabling the master control unit would take.

	"Not long," the woman behind her said.

	Gally turned in surprise.

	"Sorry, bad habit.  I'll refrain from doing that.  We should 
make haste now.  Do not worry, I know the way."

	With a flip of her long shawl, the talented psychic and 
Psycho Power master walked ahead of Gally, approaching the heavily 
guarded gates of Shadowloo.

	"...h-hey, wait, I'm in charge of this mission!" Gally 
protested, and scampered after Rose.

	On the other side of the island, a series of explosions 
rocked the earth.  Gally sweatdropped.  Maybe they had started 
already?

						*

	"And we're back!" Hiroshi declared.  "Now, it's time for the 
OMEGA TITLE DEFENSE!  Coming from Thailand, it's Shin Akuma versus 
Ifurita!  I understand Akuma's getting.. ah.. rather impatient 
with the delay and has already destroyed several floating cameras 
in frustration and is now in a running argument/firefight with Son 
Gokuu--"

	Loud techno music kicked up.

	"What now?" Daisuke asked, dryswallowing asprin.

	"Looks like we're getting interrupted again... it looks 
like... like... YES!  It's Spirit of Shotokan!"

	Ryu and Ken, the frontmen of the group, made their way down 
the ramp -- Ken with a Shirt Eating Grin(tm), Ryu his usual cool, 
calm self.  Ken swiped a mike off some tech flunky, while the 
other shotokan disciples who usually only pop up in cameos filed 
into the ring to show off the impressive numbers of fighters with 
similar styles.  But it was clearly Ken's show, as he did the 
talking, with Ryu nodding wisely along the way.

	"Okay, people, I've got a copy of tonight's fight card here," 
Ken said, waving a clipboard.  "Apparently, once.. Akuma does his 
thing, we're up against the Orochi and some of his lackeys.  But 
seeing how Dan is busy (and still recovering in Medical), and 
Sakura is the Orochi's clutches, well... it'd just be completely 
unfair!  I'd be going up against them solo.  I mean, I would stomp 
them into the ground with ease, clearly!"

	Being an audience of demons, they boo'ed the idea.  Ken 
laughed it off, and resumed.

	"So, Ryu and I.. well, we made a decision.  Just to ensure 
that this is a fair match all around, with a fair referee rather 
than a blind one, and a fair balance of power... we're going to 
give up our slot in the three-on-three brawl to... UNLIMITED 
DESIRE.  Orochi, I hope your unlife insurance is paid up, because 
Lina Inverse is gonna cripple your ass if you don't give up Sakura 
after this fight!"

	"Holy cow!" Hiroshi exclaimed.  "Orochi, his goons, Lina, 
Naga, and Darshu.. all in THAT ring?!  ...um.  You're certain 
about this no-more-clones-for-me thing, right, Daisuke?..."

	Ken twirled the microphone once, then held it out for Ryu.  
Ryu blinked a few times, unaccustomed to public speaking, but 
accepted it, for a simple statement.  "To ensure fairness, I will 
be the special guest referee for this match.  I will not allow 
outside interference, and any teams breaking the rules will be 
immediately disqualified.  As for Sakura--"

	The speech was interrupted, by a loud ticking sound.  Hiroshi 
immediately screamed "BOMB!" and dove for cover; Daisuke turned 
his attention to the screen.

	00:00:15.

	"...it seems we're about to get distracted," Daisuke said.  
"Jack must have found his champion for the Absolute Destiny 
Apocalypse in time.  Or hopefully he didn't, and Dan will win by 
default--"

	At 00:00:00 the lights went out.  Ken and Ryu exchanged 
confused glances right before everything went black... dramatic 
tension swelling in the sound track, while Morrigan fondled the 
sound guy into helping them out.

	Lillith must have been doing SOMETHING to the special effects 
guy, because then fireworks shot up from the stage, the lights 
flared on, some heavy beat Kid Rock music kicked in, and on the 
screen, the clock was replaced by :

					   M A R L O

	...and there, at the top of the entrance ramp, stood the 
least assuming kid Daisuke had ever seen.  Maybe sixteen, maybe 
seventeen, with a loosely open camouflage jacket, black Sex and 
Violence t-shirt, and jeans.  And six hundred dollar sunglasses.

	The boy raised a microphone, complete with a metal stand with 
a long, colorful bandana lifted from Steven Tyler's closet tied to 
it.

	"Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to.. ULTRA RAGE MARLO!" the 
boy pronounced, before turning around to face the crowd, grinning 
madly.  "Kept down by lesser fighters so long, kicked around by 
those idiot Furniture Warriors, but now, thanks to your favorite 
deity and mine, Controversial Jack, the master of Varied Tactical 
Furniture Style fighting, Marlo Semaj, has ARRIVED!"

	The crowd ate it up like candy.  Of course, the crowd was 
thick with the polluted taint of sin on the skin of reality, so 
they'd dig anybody aligned with Jack.  In the ring, Ryu didn't 
look alarmed, because he rarely looked alarmed; but Ken wasn't 
digging this very much, and making it clear with a squint of his 
bushy black eyebrows.

	Hiroshi peeked out from under the table and boggled so hard 
that you could probably write down thirty words before the timer 
ran out of sand.  "Holy crap!  That's.. the ultra-hidden-mega-
powerful boss character from Furniture Warriors for Dreamcast!!  
How did Jack get some weird video game character into the real 
world?"

	"Didn't Ikea and Lumi make a guest appearance on this show 
before?" Daisuke wondered.

	"...well, yeah, but they're real people, like you and me.  
Right?  They're real, right?  Right?  Why are you looking at me 
like that, Daisuke?"

	"It SEEMS," Marlo continued, casting a rude glare to the 
announcer's table, "That you guys have a little problem.  What 
started as a weekly spectacle of pointless violence and scantily 
clad demon chicks has spiraled into a decrepit, dare I say, BORING 
display of so-called sports entertainment!  Instead of putting 
people in that ring that you can CHEER for, that can beat nine 
kinds of unholy hell out of an opponent, they spoonfeed you wimp 
after wimp, each 'nicer' than the last!  I sympathize with your 
pain!  I've had to put up with that kind of crap in all the 
tournaments I've tried to enter.  'Oh, Marlo, you fight dirty!' 
'Oh, Marlo, you can't use those weapons!' 'Oh, Marlo, you must be 
this tall to ride this ride!' But I persevered, and now, your 
savior has arrived!  I'm here to save Ultra from Kasumi Tendo, the 
true cancer of this show!"

	Demons clapped whatever appendages they had available.  Marlo 
soaked it in, striking a pained pose from the pressure of all that 
adoration.

	"What a putz," Ken scoffed.

	"And PART of that cancer is in the ring right now!" Marlo 
declared, pointing with a hat rack he wasn't previously carrying. 
"A bunch of candy-colored shotoCLONE weenies!  Is THAT your 
paragon of virtue, your knights in shining mediocrity?  Folks so 
one dimensionally boring that they have to copy each other's moves 
to get anywhere?  You could cut the head off one and plug it onto 
the other's body and get the same thing!"

	"Hey, watch your mouth, buddy!" Ken shouted -- blocked only 
by Ryu's arm from rushing out to the stage.

	"Oh, don't YOU worry, 'buddy,'" the cocky little bastard 
retorted, grinning madly behind his mirrorshades.  "Tonight, you 
see, I AM the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse, and I WILL be squashing 
that insect you call 'Dan' -- the ultimate cheeseball shotoclone! 
Then all you twinks are gonna be bowing to Controversial Jack, Mr. 
Ken Barbiedoll!  So go make your hair stylist appointment and 
leave the fighting to the REAL asswhompers, if YA SMELL WHAT MARLO 
IS COOKIN'!"

	Ken wrenched free from Ryu's grasp.  "That's it.  Time to 
teach this KID some manners."  He jumped over the ring ropes, and 
dashed up the ramp, charging flames into his fist, for one triple 
chained uppercut finish--

	"KEN!" Ryu shouted, but it was too late.

	Sure, the combo snapped off beautifully.  But all it did was 
clank loudly against the refrigerator Marlo had pulled from 
FurnitureSpace and used as a shield, leaving Ken wide open on his 
slow descent...

	It's hard to see what happened next, but if you play in slow 
motion, it goes like this.

	Marlo jumps up, and despite being a scrawny little kid, is 
able to put the fridge away wherever it came from, smack Ken in 
the legs with an oven range, and while he's spinning strike him 
from all directions with small endtables, chairs, spice racks, 
coffee tables and so on until Marlo snarled him up in some 
bedsheets before slamming him over the head with the entire four 
poster bed, which goes down with him onto the wooden table Marlo 
had dropped there previously.  Ken goes through the table, gets 
covered by the bed, and Marlo tosses the kitchen sink on top of 
the whole pile for good measure.

	The Spirit of Shotokan stood in shock, as Marlo chuckled, and 
pointed at Ryu.  "You go scrape Dan the Man out of the Medical 
Ward for me.  Then you tell him he'd better get his will ready, 
because I'll be back LATER for his rooty poo candy ass!"

	"...the newcomer just DISASSEMBLED Ken!  Oh, the horror, the 
horror!" Hiroshi wailed, as Marlo skipped gleefully backstage, Ryu 
and the gang immediately checking on Ken's life status.  "This is 
the guy Jack's picked to go after Dan?!  We're doomed!  WE'RE 
DOOMED!  AAH!  AAAAAAH!!--"

	"No heart attacks, Hiroshi, we don't have a spare body."

	"---aahh.  Okay.  Okay.  We are calm, we are calm... we're in 
our happy place... we are... going RIGHT to the Omega Challenge!  
Live and without further ado, we go to....."

	On the video monitors, Akuma's burnt and battered body 
rocketed down from the sky and embedded itself five feet into the 
rocky terrain.

							*

	Akuma coughed.

	Son Gokuu returned to earth, touching down lightly, and 
powering down.  Smiling.  "Boy, you're pretty good.  I got a great 
workout there.  Thanks!"

	"..." Akuma said from the Akuma shaped hole in the ground.

	The second the floating camera bots flicked the 'ON AIR' 
sign, Bison arrived, with Ifurita, both teleporting into existence 
nearby before floating down to the ground.  Ifurita stood as still 
as the waters of an untouched lake, awaiting command from her 
master.

	"It's about time," M. Bison said.  "I was getting very bored 
watching your miserable show.  Let's get on with this, I have more 
experiments and tests to run on Athena."

	Akuma peeled himself out of the hole.. flexing his muscles, 
trying to get his strength back up.  The strange yellow haired 
warrior was truly powerful -- for a change, Akuma had enjoyed the 
fight, as he found someone worthy of his skill.  But he was not a 
*stupid* evil martial artist, and knew when he was too drained to 
be a suitable challenge himself...

	"Oh, he's beaten up already?  This should be exceptionally 
easy," Bison joked.  "Ifurita, my pretty pet, destroy--"

	"No," Gokuu said.  "He's not ready to fight yet.  One 
second."

	Akuma focused, as Gokuu offered him a small pellet of some 
kind.  He could sense what it was without knowledge of what it was 
called, and swallowed immediately...

	Strength flowed back into Akuma like Hoover Dam without the 
dam in place.

	"Senzu.  Works every time.  Now, for the Omega Belt, FIGHT!" 
Gokuu said.

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #3 : OMEGA TITLE DEFENSE
][ SHIN-AKUMA vs---

	"No," Akuma said, assuming an attack stance... but not facing 
Ifurita.  "I do not want her.  I want... HIM."

	Bison just laughed.  "I'm not in your silly tournament, 
Akuma.  You can't challenge me, because I can't take that 
ridiculous belt around your waist.  You'll have to content 
yourself with my doll--"

	"I'll make it a non-title, unsanctioned grudge match, with 
the referee's permission," Akuma said quickly.

	"I'll allow it," Gokuu decided.  "FIGHT!"

	"What?" Bison asked, before Akuma punched him directly in the 
eye.

						*

	The white-parka-clad wearing machine gun clone guard walked 
his endless, rectangular pattern around Secret Lab #325 in 
Shadowloo headquarters.  He hadn't seen anything unusual.  Nothing 
unusual in sight.  Nothing--

	"Aagagaggagagagagagagagagag," the guard warbled, before Gally 
snapped his neck.

	"That is very bad karma, you know," Rose stated, clicking her 
heels along behind the girl, who had done the majority of the 
fighting.

	"They're just faceless minions, so it's okay," Gally said, 
dusting off her hands.  "It's this way, you say?"

	"Yes.  I can sense the Psycho Drive nearby," Rose said.  
"That abomination.  I have let my student run wild too long."

	"...your what?" Gally asked.  But her eyes glanced nervously 
left to right.  "Um, we'll discuss later.  We've really got to 
hurry."

	The door to the lab was a six foot thick slab of pure 
titanium, reinforced with depleted uranium.  The combination lock 
was triple encrypted with four thousand tiny press buttons in a 
sixty four digit combination, with the hinges made of a living 
metal that would remain a single, unmoving piece until a modulated 
electrical signal from the lock twitched through them at exactly 
265.94 hertz.

	Gally squinted at the buttons, which had resembled some 
crazed Wingdings font.  Ido would know how to open this.  Or 
Washuu.  Or Gally, just not in the same way Ido or Washuu did.

	"We'll have to try and bust our way in," Gally said, drawing 
back for a plasma-powered punch.  "The alarms will go off, but if 
we're fast enough--"

	Rose flicked one bauble-clad wrist, and the lock blinked 
green as the door slid open.

	"....how did you..?" Gally asked.

	"Ah.  That is a secret.  Excuse me, I have work to do."  Rose 
walked directly into the room, as if she owned the place.  Gally 
followed, until Rose mentioned "By the way, look out for the 
warrior waiting just on the other side of the door" who then 
sucker punched Gally with enough impact to hurl her fifty feet 
across the room.

						*

	Bison span like a top from the blow.  Akuma didn't snicker, 
or taunt, or pose.  He just did the job.

	Punch after kick after uppercut after air combo after 
fireball smacked into Bison's bulky, armor-clad form.  Akuma's 
fist flowed purple with the Evil Intent, the true shotokan form, 
intent on doing what it was meant for -- killing people real dead.

	It could be ended in one blow.  Akuma sent his fist... into 
the ground.

	A small mushroom cloud soaked up the local vegetation for two 
hundred feet around.  When the light passed, Akuma stood in the 
center of a glowing crater, alone.  (Son Gokuu had moved the 
motionless, inactive Ifurita to a safe distance first.)

	"..." Akuma said, in his usual less is more theory of 
vocabulary.  He extracted his fist from the collapsing point, and 
shook it loose, just in time for Bison to stomp him five feet into 
the ground, feet first.

	"...'Evil Intent,' hmm?" Bison asked, seeming to have none of 
the injuries he had a moment ago.  "Not very evil."

						*

	Gally rebounded off the wall, recovering from the blow.  She 
flipped once, and landed in a Panzer Kunst fight stance.. then 
paused.  Surprised.

	The empty-eyed child who stood there, in her school uniform, 
was also in attack stance.  But shivering from fear.  "...Master 
Bison said nobody could come in here," Athena said, meekly.  "He'd 
hurt me if anybody did.  I'll stop you and make you leave so he 
never finds out."

	Gally bit her lip.  This isn't what she planned -- not to 
beat up someone who couldn't help what they were doing.  She 
looked to Rose for help, but Rose seemed to be ignoring them, too 
busy studying the master control panel of the Psycho Drive.  
Probably for the best... the sooner they could finish, the sooner 
they could get out of here.

	She'd just have to stall Athena until then.  Deactivating the 
plasma conduits in her suit, Gally steeled herself, and went after 
Athena.  Not to defeat her.  Just to occupy her.

						*

	Bison stood in the center of the crater.  He lifted one foot, 
to make sure there wasn't any squished Akuma stuck to his nice, 
shiny boot.  Frowned, then glared over at Gokuu.

	"Go ahead and declare my victory," he ordered.  "I have 
things to attend to."

	The saiyajin sighed.  "I guess I have to.  Due to absence 
from the playing field, the win goes to--"

	A blur of purple light warped in behind Bison, and a sharper 
blur whisked towards his head.  Bison raised a hand, catching 
Akuma's fist in mid air.

	"..." Akuma responded.  But it was a very angry, and equally 
unimpressed ... .

	Bison laughed, of course, because he was always such a happy 
camper, and did a little space-warp of his own -- appearing in 
four locations at once, before one of the images slid knee first 
into Akuma's crotch.

	The evil Shotokan master did not even flinch.

	He warped.  Bison warped.  They fought, warped, fought, in 
the sky, on the ground, standing sideways on trees, everywhere 
there was or was not a surface, fight jacking up several degrees 
in intensity, as neither held back any longer...

						*

	Gally, who HAD to hold back, was not doing well.

	She skidded to a halt, sliding on her back as the Psycho Ball 
from Athena's hands sent her flying again.  She had given up 
trying straight combat; Athena was only using extremely cheesy 
power attacks, a direct result of the experimenting Bison had 
done.  But whenever Gally tried to get in close enough to, say, 
break an arm or something that would incapacitate her without 
killing her, she'd just hit that wall of power...

	A wall which vanished, in one pop.  Athena blinked a few 
times, behind glazed eyes, before turning to face the person 
responsible.

	"I'm finished here," Rose said, quietly.. a spark of Psycho 
Power dancing around her scarf.  "But you, little one, are using 
an art you were never properly trained in.  Before I go, I will 
give you a free lesson."

	"Whoa, whoa, Rose, don't hurt her!" Gally shouted quickly -- 
but it was too late.  The two hadn't MOVED, but waves of the blue 
and red power swirled between them, both trying to push the other 
off guard psionically.  Neither succeeding, as the waves wobbled 
back and forth, but didn't make headway...

	But Gally saw a difference.  Athena was sweating, and 
shaking, trembling like a bowl of jello.  Rose hadn't broken a 
sweat.

	"You are not connected to this machine," Rose said, through 
the swirling eddies of power, shrieking through the chamber like 
firecrackers.  "Bison himself has a hand on your soul.  It limits 
your power, and binds your will.  But the only person who can 
break the chains on your soul's power is yourself.  When you have 
done that, then see me, and we will discuss this again, young 
Athena."

	In one swift flick of the shawl, all the waves... sucked into 
the fabric, instead of knocking Rose silly... then with another 
flick, they were reflected back.  Some, not all.  Just enough to 
knock Athena out cold for hours, her brain throwing in the towel 
as she collapsed on the spot.

	"..." Gally said, doing her best Akuma impersonation.

	"I would suggest we leave," Rose said, flipping the scarf 
around her neck once more.  "I set a two minute countdown on the 
soul bomb I planted at the drive's core.  Everything on this floor 
of the complex will be going away in short time."

	"WHAT?!" Gally said.  "But.. the stairs are hundreds of... 
go, go, we have to go!  Grab Athena!"

	"No."

	"Right, and ..WHAT?!"

	"I have no intention of rescuing her.  She must save herself. 
And you can find your own way out, I'm sure.  Thank you for the 
opportunity to teach Bison a lesson once again.  You won't be 
seeing me again for awhile, I believe.  Excuse me."

	And Rose folded her hands, her image splitting three ways, 
before fading out completely.

	What a BITCH, Gally thought.  Then glanced nervously from the 
drive, to Athena, to the drive, to Sie coming in through the open 
doorway--

	"ATHENA!" Sie shouted.  He snarled, and assumed an attack 
posture.  "What did you--"

	"Get her and go!  It's going to explode NOW!" Gally shouted. 
Hoping that would be enough, and kicking her cyborg suit to full 
speed, whipping around corners, before saying 'to heck with it' 
and just punching directly upwards through ceilings to get the 
hell out of Dodge.

						*

	A flaming purple body was cast down from the heavens, to 
crash into the tree line and wipe out vegetation in a fifty foot 
streak of fire.

	The victor floated down, gloating over the fallen.

	"I take it back," Bison said.  "You're not too shabby.  But 
you are nothing compared to Ryu's unlocked full potential.  Or 
Washuu's inner self, for that matter... but I AM going to miss 
you, Akuma.  You were much more fun than your Cyber-Akuma clone 
self, you know."

	"..." the beaten Akuma said.  "...you know who made that.. 
abomination?"

	"Yes, I do," Bison said, flaring one fist with Psycho Power. 
 "And I know that's why you came.  For revenge on its maker.  The 
one who made that Cyber-Akuma, and all the other previous 
deviations of you that you've grown to detest.  But her name will 
escape you, because I'm afraid it's time to die."

	A muffled explosion was heard in the distance.  Bison 
flinched, made nothing of it, and charged his fists, ready to give 
Akuma one final Psycho Crusher to remember him by...

	A lumpy object tapped his shoulder, humbly asking for 
attention.  He turned, and saw the business end of a Power Key 
Staff.

	Ifurita's eyes of cold indifference turned on him.

	"...oh, shit," Bison whispered.

	There's very few things you can see properly from orbit.  The 
Great Wall of China is one.  Bill Gates's house is another.  But 
neither were as brilliantly lit as what happened to most of the 
surrounding countryside just beyond Shadowloo headquarters.

	Once the dust and nuclear fallout settled, there was only 
Ifurita, hovering over what used to be the ground, and Son Gokuu, 
who was carrying Akuma's unconscious body over one shoulder.

	"Err..." the referee said.  "The winner... well, I guess it's 
a disqualification.  Good to see you back, Ifurita-san."

	Ifurita said nothing.  She wasn't a very verbal sort of girl, 
after all.  She simply cast one, final look at Shadowloo in the 
distance, opened a dimensional portal with power #13597 (Eye of 
God) and went home.  Back to Washuu's Lab.

						*

	"...a SPECTACULAR MATCH!" Hiroshi declared, grasping the 
microphone and crying manly tears of joy.  "Amazing fighting!  
Intense action!  And a return to freedom for Ifurita even though 
I'm not quite sure how it happened!  Do you think that's the last 
we'll see of Bison, Daisuke?"

	"I think that JUST because you asked that question, he'll 
turn up not-dead later on tonight," Daisuke grumbled.

	"We'll have more intense fighting action in a minute, folks! 
It's the Three-on-Three brawl!  Unlimited Desire versus the 
Disciples of the Void, with Ryu of Spirit of Shotokan as the 
special guest referee!  STAY TUNED!!"

						*

	The door marked EXIT opened.

	Insane yammerings of the damned and demonic alike flooded in.

	The door marked EXIT closed.

	Ryuji Yamazaki was peeved.  He never ASKED to go to hell.  
Sure, he'd sent plenty of folks here, but being sent here himself 
was not his bag.  Not in the slightest.  But every door didn't 
lead to home.

	He'd had enough of this stupid federation.  Nobody here was 
rich enough, and a silly gold belt wasn't interesting enough to be 
worth the trouble.  He'd put business interests aside upstairs to 
come here, and it was time to get back.  If he could only LEAVE 
the bloody arena!

	A shadow of midnight crept along the wall.  Yamazaki had his 
razor sharp foot long knife fingered and ready in his pocket... 
then frowned.

	"Oh.  It's just you," he said.  "Didn't you used to be 
taller?

	"Yes," the Orochi stated.  "You want to return to Earth, is 
that it?"

	"Damn straight.  This place blows."

	"I will speed your return, if that is your wish," the Orochi 
said, clenching one fist, and causing a black disc to form in the 
air.  Before Ryuji could protest, it closed around him, warping 
him back to his old hovel in the urban slums of Southtown -- 
upside down, of course.

	"...boss?  Was that wise?" Yashiro asked, adjusting his 
fighting duds.  "We could've used him.  He was a Harbringer, you 
know.  Could've distributed plenty of 'har' for the cause."

	"He was old news," the Orochi stated.  "I am new, and the new 
reign of the void will begin soon.  He was too weak to survive the 
onslaught.  Tonight, we will show Ultra that the piddling, 
insignificant Orochi of before is gone.  Come.  We are required."

						*

	WHAM WHAM WHAM.

	"I'm not coming out!" A voice said from the broom closet.  
"You can't make me.  I'll stuff a fireball up your ass if you 
try!"

	"This isn't getting us anywhere," Dark Schneider grumbled.  
"C'mon, Naga, you're her partner.  Do something partnerish."

	"Liiiiiina!" Naga called out, in her shrill voice.  "If you 
come out, I'll buy you dinner!  What are you, AFRAID?"

	"NO!" Lina shouted.  "I'm not scared.  But have you LOOKED 
out there?  Demons everywhere!  Creepy, nasty, tentacular 
bastards!  I hate demons, just like I hate Mazoku!  Nothing good 
ever happens around them, and knowing my luck with demons, 
something'll go horribly wrong tonight!  Forget it.  What do we 
gain by fighting here, anyway?!"

	"Well, for starters, we beat the location of Sakura out of 
the Orochi," Darshu reminded.  "It's the only shot of keeping him 
contained in the arena, where he can't run away as easily."

	"And you DID promise those nice boys in the colored pajamas 
that you'd help them," Naga reminded.

	Guilt started to set into a soul that usually only cared 
where the next paycheck was coming from.

	"Yeah, Lina.  C'mon!  It'll be a fun romp.  You can take the 
Orochi.  And we'll handle his cronies," Darshu said, smacking a 
fist into one palm.  "One two three, it's over.  The crowd of 
demons won't have time to do anything weird."

	Lina peeked out from the closet.  "You're certain?  I've 
still got one of those patented Inverse Bad Feelings..."

	"Absolutely positive!" Darshu grinned.

						*

	Ryu Hoshi (yes, he has a family name) stood in the center of 
the ring, looking damn cool in his black and white striped ref's 
shirt.  He'd torn the sleeves off, of course, to give him better 
mobility, but otherwise, he looked quite dignified.

	The three who piled out of a flat black disc in space did not 
look as dignified.

	Shermie, notably known for having the largest breasts in the 
entire history of the King of Fighters tournament (outmeasuring 
King slightly, and Mai slightly more), strutted on out in heels 
that normal people could never walk in, much less consider 
fighting.  Yashiro was a bit more serious, but the adorable little 
heart necklace didn't help.

	But the Orochi, despite being in David's body, was all 
business.  He hovered, just an inch off the ring, and made no 
motion.  Simply staring down Ryu.

	"I'm going to enforce a fair fight," Ryu warned.  "If you try 
to get assistance, or use a weapon, or any other cheap tactic, 
I'll stop you."

	"You are only mortal," Orochi reminded.  But left it at that.

	To the boos from the crowd (who, as noted too many times, 
booed all the heroes this evening), Unlimited Desire appeared at 
the top of the ramp.  Darshu and Naga posed.  Lina turned around 
to march backstage, until two arms grabbed her and dragged her 
protesting down the ramp.

	"This is it, folks!" Hiroshi announced. "Three on three!  The 
ultimate evil versus... almost but not exactly the ultimate good! 
Actually, doesn't Darshu have a criminal record as long as Sheng 
Long's tail?"

	"No tags required, but all other rules hold," Daisuke 
reminded.  "It looks like everybody's in the ring, and Ryu has 
motioned for the bell..."

	*DING*

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #4 : THREE ON THREE BRAWL
][ UNLIMITED DESIRE vs. DISICIPLES OF THE VOID
][ FIGHT!

	"Kyaaa!" Shermie screamed, somersaulting into the air... and 
landing on top of Naga, both falling to the ground, while Shermie 
tried to squeeze the busty sorceress to death between her thighs.

	Darshu was too distracted by this to notice Yashiro punching 
him in the neck.

	"It's you and me," Lina said, squaring off against the 
Orochi.  "And don't think I won't use my big spells.  It's not 
like I care what happens to this audience.  Now, will you hand 
over the girl like a good little boy, or do I give you the beating 
you ran away from before?"

	"I will allow you one hit," the Orochi said, standing prone. 
"As a token of good faith.  But only one.  Do your worst, 
Inverse."

	Darshu rubbed his neck with one arm, while trying to separate 
Yashiro's head from his shoulders with the other.  "That's our cue 
to get outta here.  Naga!  C'mon!"

	The four flew off, still fighting despite being in mid air 
(although the two Orochi disciples couldn't fly, so it wasn't much 
of a fight.)  That left only Ryu, Orochi, and Lina in the ring.

	"Falls only count in the ring!" Ryu warned them, turning away 
from Lina and the Orochi.  "I'm counting to ten, and if you're not 
back, I've got to disqualify you!"

	"It won't take that long.." Lina said, starting her spell.  
White power flowed into her hands, channeled from a source she had 
only tapped once before.

	"*A simple light, that is the hope of others in times of 
darkness...*"

	"I'm waiting," the Orochi reminded.

	"*...that has existed before anyone's time, or anyone's life, 
that shines, and cannot be extinguished...*"

	"One hit, Lina.  Make it powerful."

	"*...Let this lost and helpless person come back to the 
light, and ask for its protection and--*"

	The Orochi blurred... Lina's eyes opened, but she was too 
busy funneling and controlling the power to do anything.  She 
twisted, as he flowed THROUGH her, and reformed on the other 
side... without having done anything noticeable.

	Her partners paused.  So did the Orochi's brood.

	"Hey!  You said I'd get one hit!" Lina shouted.

	"I lied," the Orochi said.  Holding a small, glowing blue 
ball of light he had pulled from Lina's body in one hand...

	Which he crushed in his fist.

	Lina screamed, and collapsed, right on the spot -- a crumpled 
heap, unmoving.

	Ryu immediately dove in to catch her, but was too late.  
Darshu and Naga simply dropped their opponents into the crowd, and 
zipped back to the ring.

	Orochi stood, unconcerned.

	"...you are DISQUALIFIED," Ryu said.  "Medics!!"

	"I don't care," the Orochi said.  "Games are over.  This is 
the fate of all who oppose the Void.  You have been warned."

	With that, he simply faded from view.  His henchmen 
desperately climbed through the crowd to get to the exits, but 
they didn't have to rush; Naga and Darshu were too busy trying to 
pump healing magic into Lina, while she was loaded onto a gurney 
and wheeled backstage.

	Frowning, Ryu motioned for the microphone... and snatched it 
up quickly.

	"Ken!  Guys!  They're making a break for it.. exits 3-B and 
3-D," Ryu announced, hoping Spirit of Shotokan could intercept in 
time.  "Orochi... you wanted a war?  You have it.  We're not going 
to stop hounding you until Sakura is returned... and you are 
sealed away for GOOD.  We'll find a way.  Your honorless fighting 
will not help you."

	Ryu dropped the microphone, and immediately headed backstage, 
intent on catching up with his clan.

	"...great Kasumi, what's going on down here?!" Hiroshi 
babbled.  "Is Lina gonna be okay?  What will happen?!"

						*

	With a jolt, like someone had punched her in the chest and 
torn out her heart, Lina had fallen over.

	With another jolt, like someone had put her heart back in and 
hit the ON switch, Lina had woken up.  Screaming from the shock, 
but that ended quickly.

	"...Orochi, you are SO dead, you dickweed!" Lina shouted, 
getting to her feet.  "Where did you go?"

	"Excuse me, miss..."

	"C'mere!  Coward!  Loser!  Kneebiter!  Death awaits you with 
nasty pointy teeth!  Hey, you, which way did he go?"

	"...he's not here," Aerith said.  "But.. you may want to see 
something."

	The girl passed Lina a mirror, and confused, she looked in.  
And saw a golden halo, at a slightly askew angle, hovering over 
her head.

	Which did NOT improve her mood any.  Lina turned bright red 
with anger.

	"If it helps," Aerith said, with a weak smile, "At least you 
didn't go you-know-where instead.  But I'm afraid you'll have to 
stay here..."

						*

	"She's DEAD?!" Naga exclaimed, jaw unable to rise from the 
shock of it all.

	"I'm afraid so," the doctor said... pulling the sheet over 
Lina's head.  "No amount of healing would have worked.  Something 
crushed her life force, completely obliterating it.  I'm sorry."

	"..." Naga said.  Leaning heavily on the bedrail.  "...we 
killed her.  We insisted that she come fight..."

	"You know, I actually thought Lina was immortal," Darshu 
mused, a bit saddened.  "She's so legendary.  I'd even heard of 
her in my world, cut after the same cloth of wild destruction and 
freewheeling fun I am... but I guess that kills that theory.  So 
to speak.  So, what now, Naga?  I guess we should notify Gourry 
after the show, he's topside and probably freaking out at his 
television right now.  But after that, do you want to go hunt down 
the Orochi, or...?"

	"..." Naga continued.

	A medical ward divider curtain pushed aside, and a mass of 
spiky black hair made an appearance.

	"...excuse me," Son Gokuu said.  "I was just waiting for 
Akuma to wake up, but you say someone got killed?"

	"..Lina," Naga said.  "My rival and... f.."

	"I see," Gokuu said, rubbing his chin.  "Kind of a setback.  
But I might have something that can help you."

	"A spell?" Naga asked, hopes rising.  "Some sort of 
ressurection magic?  An artifact?"

	The Saiyajin handed her a simple ball of orange glass, with 
two red stars stamped in it.

	"If you're serious about wanting Lina back," Gokuu said, "I'd 
advise you to look for the rest of these."

						*

	Shermie pushed through another door.  They had triumphed!  
Just as the master had predicted.  Of course, she WAS left to fend 
for herself, but that was Orochi-sama for you.  He hated everybody 
equally.  How adorable!

	The corridor darkened, as she had finally hit the maze of 
back alleys and conduits that made up the roots of the UltraDome. 
It would be perfectly safe down here.

	A tiny red and orange light flared silently in the dark, a 
spark or ember.  Then a long breath, and an exhalation of smoke.

	"...goin' somewhere, cherie?" the shadowy man asked.

	"Why, yes!" Shermie bubbled over.  "Can you be a nice boy and 
show me the way out?  Why, I've gone and lost my way, boo hoo!"

	"I can show you the way out," Gambit said.. crushing the 
cigarette under one heel, and extending his metal rod from its 
concealing pocket in his trenchcoat.  "But Gambit don' think it's 
the way you mean to go."

	"Ohhh, you're still mad about what Orochi-sama did, aren't 
you," Shermie realized.  "Now now, you're a ladies' man.  You 
wouldn't hit a giiirl, now, would you?"

	Gambit hit her.  Shermie went down hard.

	"Gambit make exceptions sometimes, he does," Gambit said, 
nudging her with one foot, to roll her over.  "'specially where 
Sakura be concerned.  I'd say no hard feelin's, cherie, 'cept that 
there be some."

	He whipped a cellular phone from the many pockets in his 
trenchcoat, and speed-dialed a number.

	"Ken.  Got 'er.  Sector 7G."

						*

	"Folks, the show must go on," Daisuke said.  "I've gotten 
word back that Lina's condition is 'Fatal, but not serious'.  This 
makes absolutely no sense to me, but it's just been one of those 
kinds of days, folks.  So, we're pushing on and having the Lambda 
belt challenge.  It's Mousse and Shampoo, of what's left of Team 
Nerima, against Bean Bandit and Tifa Lockheart."

	Mousse and Shampoo were already in the ring... and looking 
impatient.  The opponents hadn't arrived yet.

	"What stupid people doing making Shampoo wait?  Shampoo 
champion!  Maybe they afraid?" Shampoo asked.

	"No doubt they fear my hidden weapons skill which helped win 
the day against those oni!" Mousse said.

	"...hai, Mousse.  That probably it," Shampoo replied, rolling 
her eyes (which Mousse couldn't see through his megathick glasses 
that blocked tachyon particles).

						*

	"Uh... Tifa?" Bean asked, knocking on the bathroom door 
again.  "We've sort of got this fight... you're getting changed, 
right?"

	"She's back," Tifa replied, through the thick door.  "I can't 
escape her.  She came BACK.  She was dead and she came back.  I am 
never, ever going to hear the end of this from Cloud.  He'll just 
be fawning all over her again..."

	"This is a chick thing, isn't it?" Bean asked, not really 
much of a touchy-feely kind of guy.  "Look, I'm heading out the 
ring.  If you want to stay... I can grab the belts myself, it's 
okay.  I'm helluva tough.  No hard feelings, either."

	".....no," Tifa said.  "I'll come.  Just.. go out.  I'll 
come."

	This wasn't good.  Bean shrugged, and headed out of the room, 
flexing and stretching out a bit... pre-brawl activities.  But 
Tifa had been.. well, she'd been a bit volatile lately.  Ever 
since she got back from visiting her home world.

	When she first got here, it was like she was starting anew.  
Bean didn't know what she was starting away FROM, but it had to 
have sucked, because the change was staggering.  But then, she 
went home, and when she came back, got depressed... then swung 
back to happy, shopping, picking stuff out... and now depressed 
again.

	Bean was pretty certain that Cloud guy was responsible for 
this.  If he ever laid his meathooks on the kid, they'd have a few 
words.  And maybe a few other things.

	He stepped out onto the ramp... frowning a bit at all the 
demons who booed him.  Tough crowd.  He marched his way down the 
ramp, sizing up the opponents... some guy, he looked kind of 
weird, but so did a lot of folks.  No underestimating, though, 
that had tripped up enough people in Ultra for Bean not to repeat 
the mistake.  And the other....

	A girl.  A curvy, teenaged girl.  Well... Tifa could handle 
her.  Bean didn't hit girls.  Especially not kids.

	"The following contest is for one fall!  The champions, 
Mousse, and Shampoo!" Touga announced.  "And their opponents... 
Bean Bandit and Tifaaaaa Lockheaaart!"

	As if on cue, Tifa was by Bean's side.

	She was in her old getup.  It hadn't even been washed in 
awhile, since she had ditched it a week ago.  Rumpled, a bit 
wrinkled, but the tight tank top and skirt, the suspenders, the 
gloves... it was all there.

	"Tifa?" Bean asked.  "Hey, what's up here?"

	"I guess I don't have a choice," Tifa responded, a bit ragged 
around the edges in her voice, too.  "I can't escape them, can I?"

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #5 : LAMBDA TITLE DEFENSE
][ SHAMPOO AND MOUSSE vs. BEAN BANDIT AND TIFA LOCKHEART
][ FIGHT!

	The bell rang.  Bean cursed the timing, and dove in, 
quickly... running right for Mousse.

	Mousse's sleeves flung outwards.. various spiky or sharp 
things on chains coming out.  But Bean kept running... right into 
them.

	Loud CLANGS and impacts echoed around the arena.  But it only 
slowed Bean down for a moment, before he plowed shoulder first 
into the young martial artist, knocking him aside.  Mousse, 
expecting him to dodge or do some agile and skilled warrior 
martial arts thing, didn't see it coming.  Nor did he see it 
leaving.

	"My glasses!" Mousse wailed, feeling around on the mat.  
"Where are they? "

	"Mousse no baka!!" Shampoo shouted from her corner, waving a 
fist angrily.  "Get stupid glasses and fight big gaijin!"

	Bean didn't keep attacking, while Mousse was down.  "Get up, 
buddy.  They're two feet to your left, okay?  No, MY left.  No, 
not THERE, they're--"

	Mousse, waving his hand around trying to find them, 
accidentally tagged in Shampoo.  Bean smacked his forehead in 
disgust, then looked back to his corner...

	Tifa was still babbling quietly to herself.

	"Teef, c'mon, snap out of it!" Bean asked.  He turned back to 
Shampoo -- and got a nice, up close view of her shoe.

	"You fight Shampoo now," Shampoo declared, striking a battle 
pose that rivaled Jackie Chan.  "Shampoo defeat you!"

	"Hey, hey," Bean protested.  "I don't fight gi--" WHACK "--
rls or--" POW "--look, would you st--" BAM "--cut that ou!--" 
POUND "--just--" BONK "--look, I'm going to go over there until 
you sort out these issues, miss, I REALLY think you need a time 
out here--"

	*POW*.

	The Roadbuster tumbled end over end, until he crashed back 
first into the steel post in his corner.  He TRIED to put up a 
defense, but.. he was a brawler.  He hit people with stuff and 
threw people.  He didn't have much in his arsenal to deal with 
wild fists of fury and trained kicks of doom.  And damn, that girl 
kicked HARD, hard enough to knock the wind out of you...

	Tag.

	"Tifa, you've got to fight," Bean said, crawling out.  
"You're better at this than I am.  I'll admit it.  Go get 'er, 
sport."

	"Huh?" Tifa asked, focusing on the present for a moment 
instead of the past.  "What?  Fight?  Where?"

	"Fight there," Bean said, pointing.

	"Okay," Tifa mumbled.

	Then sprang with precision into the ring, over the ropes, 
connecting a kick squarely on Shampoo's chest.

	Shampoo tumbled -- but flipped to her feet.  Irritated, she 
rushed... and the fight, well, it was a little too fast to track. 
Punch block parry duck spin dodge kick punch it's all in the mind, 
both girls trained by masters, both with a long history of 
practice, practical and otherwise...

	With one key difference.  Shampoo was focused and controlled. 
But Tifa was crazed and out of control.  Which meant she ignored 
most of the hits that landed on her and just kept going.

	Mousse scrabbled, finally finding his glasses, and held out 
his hand.  "Tag!  TAG, Shampoo!"

	"Shampoo... handle stupid girl.. by herself!!" Shampoo 
declared, ignoring him -- and getting booted away, in the 
distraction.

	"..why won't.. you just... STAY DEAD?!" Tifa screamed.. but 
not nessecarily at Shampoo.  Yellow energy flared around her, a 
spiralling circle breaking the limit of her anger...

	Final Heaven unleashed was not pretty.  It was also very bad 
for the eyes.  When the spots cleared, Tifa stood alone, breathing 
heavily, a mad look in her eyes, while Shampoo was unconscious, 
tangled up in the ropes in the opposite corner.

	*DING*

	Hiroshi jumped out of his chair, hitting his gonads on the 
edge of the table, and sitting back down again.  "..and... and we 
have new champions!" he squeaked.  "Lambda Champions Bean Bandit 
and Tifa Lockheart!"

	Bean stood, dumbfounded -- didn't notice someone trying to 
hand him the belts until a moment later.  He grabbed them, then 
approached Tifa in the ring.  Tapping her on the shoulder.

	"Hey, Tif--"

	Tifa laid him out flatter than a cheap rug.

	That seemed to snap her out of it, at least partially.  
Enough to spot her partner lying like a lawyer. "...Bean?" she 
asked.  "Oh, no.. I'm sorry!"

	"...no.. problem..." Bean said weakly, giving a thumbs up 
from the floor.  She helped him up, and they made their way 
backstage, while the medics came out for the umpteenth time, to 
help Shampoo out.

	"I think Tifa's got issues here," Daisuke said.  "Possibly 
even subscriptions.  Folks, we're far from done.  No pause in the 
action this time; it's straight to G vs. E."

	"That's right!  Good and evil, the classic matchup!" Hiroshi 
continued.  "An Omega competition RIGHT under this roof!  It's 
gonna be a good old fashioned barn burning pig in a poke 
slobberknocker in a one legged ass kicking smackdown frenzy pier 
six--"

	"That's enough, Hiroshi."

	"--right."

	"Here representing the side of evil," Daisuke said, as the 
Imperial March by John Williams started, "Is a face we haven't 
seen in awhile... hailing from a long time ago in a galaxy far far 
away, the plucky pod racer turned to darkness, Darth Vader."

	The crowd went NUTS.  The looming figure in black, shiny mask 
and all, stepped up, onto the entrance ramp...

	Then took off his helmet, spiky red hair showing.

	"That's it," Controversial Jack said, losing the cape and 
plastic armor next.  "The joke is PLAYED, okay?  It wasn't as fun 
as I thought it might be... yes, it was ME!  Me the entire time!  
The most controversial addition to Ultra, and I was behind the 
silly Darth Vader gimmick all along!  Boy did I peg all you marks 
at home.  I'm hereby leaving the Omega Division, but for one night 
only, *I* will be representing Evil, as it seems the Orochi is too 
busy doing his nails and Bison got vaporized.  Let's get it ON!"

	"Vader was Jack?!" Hiroshi repeated, stating the obvious, as 
Jack walked down to the ring, head held high, tie askew, and Mr. 
Duck perched on one shoulder.  "What a swerve!  How WILL this 
affect the match?"

						*

	Backstage... Mr. Satan rubbed his hands with glee.  
Controversial Jack!  He was just an ordinary guy, not a fighter, 
not a psychotic god.... okay, maybe he was Satan, but Mr. Satan 
was MISTER SATAN.  Five time heavyweight champion of All Japan 
Wrestling.  Earth's Greatest Hero.  True, he'd accidentally gotten 
a lot of glory when the yellow haired aliens kept bringing 
superpowered maniacs into his turf, but nobody could take away his 
wins in the ring against NORMAL PEOPLE!

	So, when he walked out to the boos of demons, he didn't care. 
He didn't mind being on camera.  He mugged, and posed, and did his 
best to play the hero.  And for a change, he really FELT like a 
hero.  Someone who could stomp Jack into the floor and make things 
right for Kasumi and everybody else!

	This was gonna be a cakewalk.

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #6 : G VS. E
][ MR. SATAN vs. CONTROVERSIAL JACK w/Mr. Duck
][ FIGHT!

	Mr. Satan stepped over the top rope, being of impressive 
bulk.  True, it chafed his genitals, but he tried not to flinch.

	"Soooo..." Jack said, tapping a chin.  "Wait, let me try to 
remember.  You would be... Earth's Greatest Hero, Mr. Satan.  Am I 
right or am I right?"

	"You are RIGHT!" Mr. Satan said.  "And as the force of 
justice, the savior of Earth and founder of Satan City, I will 
destroy the evil you have made here!  So the good people of Earth 
can--"

	"Yes yes, good.  I was wondering something.  We're going to 
fight, and all, but... can I have the first move?"

	Mr. Satan sized the New Satan up.  Scrawny little bastard.  
Probably punched like a weak breeze.

	"I don't see why not," Mr. Satan said, flexing his sizeable 
chest muscles.  "Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Controversial!"

	Controversial Jack made a weak little fist, did a big Popeye 
style windup...

	Then pointed to the Titantron.

	"ROLL that beautiful bean footage!!" Jack shouted.  And the 
screen came to life, showing...

	...Gokuu, saving Mr. Satan from Naga the Black Serpent...

	...a mutant pigeon winning the Apocalypse Brawl for him...

	...Mr. Satan being easily smacked away by Cell, and Cell's 
eventual downfall at the hands of the Saiyajins...

	...and other fine closet skeletons.

	"What you see before you is a SHAM!" Controversial Jack 
declared, as Mr. Satan tried hard to pry his jaw off the floor and 
close his eyes.  "Earth's Greatest Hero is a joke!  He's never won 
any fights to save the earth -- other people win them for him!  
He's nothing but a washed up ex-wrestler, a sad sack of a man!  
All you twits at home, watch and note your HERO, your savior, 
nothing more than a cheap copy of Hulk Hogan, but without the 
snappy wardrobe!"

	If you listened real hard, you could HEAR the sounds of 
millions of hearts breaking at the hard reality of Mr. Satan's 
legacy.

	Jack reveled in it, in the cheers from the demons, in feeling 
the hopelessness and despair from those who saw the best in 
themselves in Mr. Satan.  From everybody who idolized what he 
represented, the dream, the ideal of heroism.  He knew that Mr. 
Satan's true power wasn't in his might, but in the legend.  A 
legend he just busted wide open.

	"Hear me, people," Jack finished, turning to a camera.  "I'm 
Controversial Jack.  And after tonight is over, I'll be your GOD. 
Bad guys CAN WIN in my universe.  Everything can go wrong, 
everything can go right, and the only constant you're going to get 
is constant CHAOS.  Let this be a lesson to you.  It never got 
weird enough for me, and soon, you'll experience that FIRST HAND!"

	Finally, in triumph, he turned to Mr. Satan.  Mr. Satan, 
whose whole world just crumbled around him like an imitation Lego 
set.  A broken man.

	Of course, once all your lies are flying around in the air 
like one winged pigeons, and you've hit the rock bottom, there's 
nowhere to go but...

	"Thanks for letting me have the first attack," he said.  "So, 
Mr. Smarty Pants, what do you have for ME?"

	Jack laughed and laughed and laughed until the broken man's 
fist broke three of Jack's teeth and sent him arcing through the 
air, crashing with an impact of thirty miles an hour into the 
cheap seats of the arena, taking out a row of demons with him.

	Mr. Satan glowed red with anger.  "You.. you LITTLE BASTARD!" 
he shouted.  "It's not enough to blow my secrets, but.. you gotta 
DIG, don't you, to try to completely destroy me, to take away.. 
what little dignity I had??  Washed up?  Sad sack?!  Fine!  So I 
didn't defeat the crazy aliens!  But I don't care what crap you 
show on that screen... I'll PROVE TO YOU I'm Earth's Greatest 
Hero!  I don't care how long it takes!  You're gonna regret this, 
you snot nosed PUNK!"

	With that, Mr. Satan threw in the towel on his old career, on 
his old life, and threw the microphone away.  He turned, stepped 
through the ropes, and marched RIGHT up the ramp.  Not running.  
Just moving like he had a purpose.

	Leaving the announcers speechless.

	"...you know, I suspected all along," Daisuke said, quietly. 
 "But it's official now.  Mr. Satan is not all he was apparently 
cracked up to be.  Well, folks, at least you've gotten ONE clean 
match finish from earlier tonight... at the rate we're going, the 
rest of the night is anybody's guess.  What's coming up, Hiroshi?"

	Daisuke found himself quite throttled by his co-host.

	"It's not true, r-right?" Hiroshi stammered, eyes wide.  "Say 
it ain't so, Daisuke!  Say it ain't so!!"

	"...we'll be back with the Finder's Keepers brawl right after 
this," Daisuke said towards the cameras, wobbling madly.

						*

	Two magic slinging hardcases stood at a crossroads.  
Fortunately, they had coffee.

	It's a well documented fact that coffee, when added to any 
situation, yields more productive output.  Quicker decisions.  
Bigger raises.  The exact reason behind this is that with coffee, 
your nerves jitter more, everything FEELS more important and if 
you DON'T MAKE A DECISION RIGHT NOW MY GOD MAN EVERYTHING IS GOING 
TO EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE!!!

	Naga and Darshu elected not to drink the coffee, too worried 
to really stomach it.

	Naga fingered the unusual technological widget Gokuu had 
given her.  A grid pulsed silently, constantly searching for 
something -- a small dot, where she was.  Where the number two
Dragonball was.

	"I can't believe the Orochi did that," Darshu said, quite 
calm.  "I mean, come on.  Rule number one of evil sorcery is that 
you don't kill adorable little kids, small dogs, or ice cream men. 
 In my tenure at world-conquering, I picked that up fast, and it 
saved my public relations image quite a lot.  Of course, once 
they're gone, you slaughter the kids and dogs, but doing it on 
LIVE TELEVISION... he's gonna make a lot of enemies."

	"..." Naga replied.

	"Well, not much for it, I guess," Darshu said, finally 
sipping his coffee, the java enriched decision making kicking in. 
 "We'll just have to hunt the bastard down and make his life a 
living hell.  It's worth a laugh.  C'mon, Naga."

	"No," Naga said.  But didn't look up.

	"What, you're afraid of him?  C'mon, it's two on one.  More 
on one if you count those, whatsit, martial arts guys," Darshu 
said.  "Not a problem.  We--"

	"No.  We've got to get Lina back," Naga decided without 
coffee, standing.  "Gokuu said this Dragon Radar could find the 
other Dragonballs, hidden around the world.  Collect all seven and 
we can wish her back."

	"Look, Naga, people die all the time.  Especially in the 
power leagues we're in.  But things go on, you know?"

	Naga GLARED at him with all the ice the white serpent could 
manage.  Which was enough to make Darshu wonder if they had 
cranked up the air conditioning.

	"Lina is my PAR.. my SIDEKICK," Naga said, cooly.  "You may 
have just met her a few weeks ago, but she's been travelling with 
me in and out of scrapes near constantly.  I'm used to quests.  
So, we'll quest to get the Dragonballs.  Or I'll go without you."

	"But the Orochi--"

	"SCREW the Orochi!" Naga said, banging a fist on the table.  
"Yes, I know what he's like.  Don't forget he had me brainwashed 
for a long time!  But let someone else deal with him.  Even though 
if he IS handled when we come back, I KNOW Lina will kick our 
asses for not bringing her back soon enough so SHE could destroy 
him!"

	"...well, that's different," Darshu said.  Cluing in at last. 
 "Vengeance.  I can see that.  It's not like you WANT her back, 
the way you keep insulting her nonexistent chest and bad 
attitudes... right?"

	"Ah.. of course!  Lina is SUCH a pain," Naga said, dropping 
back into character.  "But I suppose she'd just pitch a fit if we 
didn't do this.  And it's such a trivial quest.  We'll pick up 
Gourry along the way and get moving immediately.  Find seven magic 
balls.  How hard can it be?"

	"PIKA!"

	It's very rare to get dramatic lightning and thunder indoors, 
but in some circumstances, fate finds a way.

	Curious, Naga peeked out the doors.. to see a fallen Team 
Rocket, scorched and blackened.  No sign of an assailant around.

	"This place is getting dangerous," she hmphed, with a toss of 
her hair.  "Let's begin our search immediately.  Come, Darshu-
chan."

	"Right.  ...hey!"

						*

	Hiroshi was on a razor's edge of nerves.

	Nothing was going right.  First Jack threatens to run his 
boss out of a job.  Then NERV turns on Heaven, meaning no more 
clones for him.  Then Mr. Satan, his personal hero, gets exposed 
as a fraud... but at least this was as bad as it could get.  
Nowhere to go but up.  Swallow, and announce.

	"...it's time for the Hardcore championship 'Finder's 
Keepers' match!" Hiroshi announced.  "The first person to lay a 
finger on the Hardcore belt -- which is hidden in an unknown 
location in the UltraDome -- WILL BE the new Hardcore Champion!"

	"And likely have plenty of psychotic, weapon toting badasses 
after him or her forever," Daisuke warned.

	"The fighters are slowly filtering into the ring... remember, 
any fighting that starts before the bell disqualifies you, so 
they're mostly glaring at each other and stuff... let's run down 
the list!  Stone Cold Dan Hibiki is... unfortunately still being 
treated for multiple injuries, but should be awake in time for the 
Absolute Destiny Apocalypse!  We hope!"

	"I've gotten word that Felicia apparently has resigned from 
Ultra, intent on continuing her singing career," Daisuke said.  "I 
don't blame her, after getting dragged to Hell... also, Ryuji 
Yamazaki has left, so he won't be a factor.  Sie and Athena have 
no-showed, presumably busy at Shadowloo, and Tifa is.. still 
backstage resting, but Bean's out here.  Ken and Gambit gave word 
that they're apparently busy, although they didn't say why, so 
they'll be missing... have I skipped anybody?"

	"Nope, that's all the scheduled cancellations!  And here they 
are, folks!  One... large, volatile crowd!"

	The crowd mulled around in the ring, which was still filling. 
 Some were here with a purpose; some just to see if they could 
make something of the night.  But all of them gave two particular 
fighters some leeway in the personal space department.

	Kunou and Haohmaru.

	Both had elected to bring razor sharp katanas to the party.  
It was Hardcore rules, after all.

	"AND SOON AFTER WE DOMINATE THIS CONTEST OF NO HOLDS BARRED 
WILD INDESCRIMINATE GRAPPLING STYLE," Hoahmaru bellowed, "YOU AND 
I, PUPIL, WILL TAKE ON THE CONSIDERABLY LESS LEGENDARY SORT IN THE 
LAMBDA DIVISION!  ME WITH MY REVERSED SWORD, YOU WITH YOUR BOKKEN! 
 THE WAY OF THE SWORD WILL CONTINUTE TO NEW LANDS FOR YOU, 
TATEWAKI KUNOU!"

	"I look forward to smiting new enemies, sensei," Kunou said, 
waving his sword threateningly, making those assembled take a step 
back.

	Meanwhile, another team was almost concerned.

	"I just know they're going to do something sneaky," Misty 
grumbled.  "I swear, what does Team Rocket have against us?  
There's plenty of others here they could get into a fight with."

	"Aww, relax, Misty!  Bulbasaur can handle them," Ash said.  
"And I've got plenty of empty pokeballs, and I've been practicing 
my fastball pitch, so we can really do this Hardcore style!"

	"...attention!" Hiroshi shouted.  "I've been informed that 
Team Rocket was assaulted before the match!  They won't be able to 
fight."

	"See?  That solves that," Ash said.  "Wonder who took out the 
trash for us..."

	(A small yellow rodent hid towards the back, not wanting to 
be seen by his on-again, off-again friend.)

	He who had spiky hair and a yellow duck stood at the top of 
the ramp, toting a Tom Greene megaphone and barking orders to the 
fighters.  "*Please walk single file!  No spitting, no pushing, no 
fooling around, no tax evasion.  Thank you for playing and enjoy 
your bloodbath!  Please walk single file!  No spitting--*"

	"Boss, boss!"

	"Yes, what?" Jack said, turning... and perking an eyebrow.

	"We have found our new gimmick!" Sofia said, gesturing along 
her body, which had even less scanty leather than previously 
utilized.  "Behold, I am Mistress Pain, ruler of the squirrels, 
leather fetishist and force to be reckoned with!"

	Pause.

	Sofia kicked her partner.  "Do your introduction, worm!"

	Cage sighed.  "...and I'm her boy toy slave, The Gimp," 
Johnny said, poking at the dog collar he was wearing.  "Lo, I 
cower before my mighty mistress, and... what was the next line 
again, Sofia?"

	"And you call yourself an actor?!  Hmph.  Anyway... there!  
Now we are TRULY worthy of Sex and Violence!  Right, Jack-sama?"

	Jack scratched his chin.  Studied the fine craftsmanship on 
the new costumes.  Turned the names over in his head a few times. 
 Closed his eyes, took a deep breath.

	"Sucks," he decided.  "Lame.  Totally unoriginal.  People 
don't want stock sexual deviants, they want BIZARRE sexual 
deviants.  It's not working, kids.  Sorry.  You're fired from the 
team."

	"..WHAT?!" Sofia shouted.

	"Pink slip.  Walking papers.  The big exit," Jack continued. 
 "You two are the suckiest, lamest little jobbers in Ultra, and 
you're doing nothing for me.  Morrigan and Lil are former 
champions, Marlo's going to save our bacon, Jesse and James could 
make great pranksters after some training... but you've had your 
run.  It's too late.  Get out of my sight before I have Etrigan 
maul you."

	Sofia turned purple.  She shook with rage.  All the 
undignified, laughable positions she had been in during her 
tenure...

	But instead of speaking, she turned sharply on a stiletto 
heel, and started to march off.

	"..uh, what about the belt?" Cage asked her.  "I sort of 
wanted--"

	"SILENCE, SLAVE!"

	"Hey, I thought you said it was just a gimmick!  Ow!  Hey!  
Quit pulling, that chokes!..."

	Meanwhile, in the ring, the number one contenders for the 
Hardcore belt were busy chatting away.  Well, two of them were.

	"I'm gonna beat'cha eat'cha and leech'yah, Wolvie-kun!" 
Lillith giggled, hopping from foot to foot.  "Big bad doggie isn't 
getting his belt back.  And oneechan, I DON'T want your help!  I'm 
fighting you for this too!"

	Morrigan gave her sister a dismissive wave, and resumed 
trying to seduce Ranma, who reached pretty much like Ranma usually 
reacted to that; he was looking for the exits.

	"Yeah, kid.  You give it your best, I'll bring everything I 
got to the table too," Wolverine growled, snapping his claws in 
and out in impatience.  He turned to the third man.  "You got 
anything to say, bishounen boy?  Great fight earlier, by the way. 
Especially how it didn't go anywhere."

	Iori simply... glared at everything in general.

					*

	Nabiki, up in the control booth, dryswallowed two aspirin.  
Took a deep breath.  Got This Old Dojo on speed dial.  Then gave 
the order.

	"Ring the bell," she said, in tones of doom.

					*

][ ULTRARAGE BETA MATCH #7 : FINDER'S KEEPERS FREE-FOR-ALL
][ GAMMA vs. LAMBDA
][ FIGHT!

	Iori started by igniting the two people closest to him; 
Wolverine, and Lillith.  Two brilliant pillars of purple flame 
pegged them, and they went down hard -- then he sprang out of the 
ring and made a beeline for the ramp.

	The other fighters filed out a bit slower, some tangled up in 
brawls, some just trying to push past each other... but soon, 
everybody was out.  Everybody except Ash and Misty.

	Ash wound up...

	Andy chugged along the ramp.  "Mai!  What are we DOING out 
here?  We're not hardcore!"

	"Oh, it's fun, Andy-chan!" Mai giggled.  "Play along!"

	"I'd rather we go try to find Athena and--"

	"POKEBALL, GO!"

	TOCK!  Like a croquet ball gone homicidal, the red and white 
striped ball p'tonked off the back of Andy's head, sending him 
tumbling head over heels.  Mai looked back -- then went 'eep!' and 
dodged a hail of pokeballs from Misty and Ash.

	Next two down were Bart and Rico.

	"You're supposed to CATCH THEM!  Catch!  We've gone over this 
a million-- OW!"

	"Hide!  Hide!  Not catch, Hide!"

	"This is working great!" Ash said, flexing his almost mighty 
bicep.  "We'll have most of 'em down in no time, and can go 
searching without problems!  I'll get that big guy, next!"

	Misty paused.. focusing.  "Ash, wait, he's ready--"

	"POKEBALL, GO!"

	Bean Bandit stood his ground..... carrying a large table, 
tossing it up in the air, grabbing it neatly in two hands... in a 
batter's stance.

	TOCK!

	The Pokeball whanged back at Ash, at six times the speed it 
had been delivered.  Ash actually flew completely out of the ring 
on impact.

	"...hate to do it, had to be done," Bean decided, tossing the 
table away (and flattening Mousse and Shampoo in the process, not 
coincidentally).  He glanced at the twosome, glad they wouldn't be 
bugging him again, and started to catch up with the crowd...

	For those keeping score, which Bean was specifically doing, 
this meant Iori had a headstart, with Pikachu, Haohmaru, Kunou, 
Ranma, Shingo, Ataru, Happosai, and Morrigan were still up and 
about.  Great.  Maybe it'd be easier to wait it out and maul 
whoever finally gets the belt, Bean thought, but it was still 
worth a shot...

	Finally, after everybody had filtered out of the main seating 
area, Hiroshi breathed a sigh of relief.  It'd just be shown on 
the TitanTron now.

	"Looks like we're underway!" he announced.  "Everybody's 
split.  We'll just be--"

	Daisuke tapped his shoulder.  Hiroshi turned from the screen, 
to see.

	"We've got a special guest commentator," Daisuke said, much 
in the tone you'd say 'We've got a special guest ego who's going 
to run at the mouth and annoy me, will you please talk to him so I 
don't have to?'

						*

	Backstage:

	The fight had degenerated from a brawl to... an easter egg 
hunt.  No object was left unturned.  No door was left un-ripped-
off-the-hinges.  No wall was left undamaged.

	"...this sucks," Shingo Yabuki decided, wiping sweat off his 
brow.  "This place is huge.  I'll never find it this way!"

	A sharp rap on the head from a shadowy lurking figure 
convinced him otherwise.  "Search harder!  You still have a debt 
to pay off to me!"

	"Waah, sorry, Karin-sama!" he pleaded, and resumed checking 
under piles of folding chairs.

	Morrigan, instead of searching, simply sat on a floating 
cloud of bats and let herself be entertained by the antics.  She 
had no idea why her sister was so keen on the silly belt, nor why 
she kept insisting on having no help to get it.  Helping was 
illegal; that's what made it fun.  Still, her sister was down and 
out at the hand of Iori, and that's just what you get, isn't it--

	Two objects attached themselves to her; one to her rear, one 
to her chest.

	"You're all the Hardcore I need, baby!" Happosai beamed with 
tear-streaked eyes from her cleavage.  "Let's go make a little two 
on one action!"

	...ignoring the screams of male pain and suffering, Ranma 
continued to hunt.  He had a good idea of what stuff belonged 
where in the Ultradome, after staying here so long... staying here 
to get AWAY from the craziness back home.  To train and fight.  He 
hadn't been having much success on any front, there.  He casually 
shoved Kunou aside and started to check under a pile of referee's 
shirts--

	"Saotome!!" Kunou raged, leaping behind him, katana drawn.  
"You transsexual pervert!  How dare you shove me, peasant?"

	Ranma kicked backwards, catching Kunou in the gut, and kept 
searching.  Which would have been enough, back at Nerima, but he 
had forgotten that Kunou had friends now...

	A swipe of hard metal nipped at his bangs, but he leaned back 
and away, fast.

	"YOU WILL SPAR WITH MY PUPIL, COWARD!" Haohmaru declared.  
"FOR I HAVE TRAINED HIM AND HE MUST PROVE HIMSELF IN BATTLE TO 
TRULY BECOME LEGENDARY (ALTHOUGH NOT AS LEGENDARY AS MYSELF)!  
STAND AND FIGHT!"

	Ranma grumbled... he turned around, to take a good look at 
Kunou.  Better get this over with fast.

	Kunou assumed a reversed sword stance he had learned from his 
sensei.  "Now, Saotome, taste the mad skills of TATEWAK--"

	A steel chair clubbed Kunou over the head, ending that.  
Ranma tossed the chair aside.

	"DOUBLY A COWARD," Haohmaru determined.. sheathing his 
katana.  He picked up Kunou, and turned to leave.  "WE WILL MEET 
AGAIN, YOUNG SAOTOME.  PERHAPS AFTER YOU HAVE HAD AN ATTITUDE 
ADJUSTMENT."

	"Whatever," Ranma said, walking off.  That felt.. rather 
good.  More so than when he defeated Kunou normally, something 
he'd done so many times that it had lost the charm.  It was 
boring, unchallenging.  But this... he could grow to like this 
Hardcore division.  Use your environment, use you skill, use 
anything you can get your hands on.  And DEFEAT your opponent.  It 
fit Anything Goes Martial Arts to a T...

	Ranma ducked to avoid a flying electrical mouse.

	"Pikaaaaa PIIII!!! [Damn, that Bean Bandit can throw helluva 
far!!!]" Pikachu shrieked, before crashing through a nearby 
popcorn machine.

	Shingo came a-flyin' after him, tossed by Iori.  "Karin-sama, 
gomen nasaaaaai!" he wailed on the way out.

	It was down to three now.

						*

	"So you see," Marlo Semaj explained, "The only reason stupid 
gimmick matches like this exist are to entertain the fans who want 
to see a bunch of idiots running around like chickens with their 
heads chopped off.  Which is exactly what's happening.  I almost 
wish I had signed up, I'd have enjoyed whomping 'em all before I 
get to Dan."

	"I don't know, Marlo.  I mean, Dan's one stone cold crazy 
guy," Hiroshi said.  "Why do you think you can--"

	"Because he's a wuss.  Let's face facts, Dan has only won, 
like, ONE match cleanly," Marlo explained.  "Jack laid the whole 
history of this place on me, when he came to hire me.  I saw the 
truth.  You NEED someone like me.  Someone who can save this once 
proud and profitable company!  Someone who all those pathetic 
couch potatoes can cheer for!  Someone for whom you can chant, 
'Go, MARLO, GO! GO MARLO GO! GO MARLO GO!'"

	"Yeah, this is definitely the sort of guy Controversial Jack 
would hire," Daisuke said, grumbling.

	"Hey, watch your mouth, Daisuke," Marlo warned.  "I may be 
new here, but by the night's over, I think you'll understand I'm 
more than talk.  Nothing is E-- EVER gonna be the same again!"

						*

	The three final competitors circled.. Iori walking calmly, 
hands tensing and untensing.  Bean looking a little peeved.  Ranma 
just looking... determined.  Determined in the same way Mt. Fuji 
is sort of interested in staying in one place.

	"...I think we've all got the same basic idea here, right?" 
Bean asked.  "Just to make sure we're okay on this.  Three left.  
If two of us are beaten to a pulp, the third can calmly search the 
building without any problems and take home a championship win.  
Right?"

	"That's right," Ranma said, cold as steel.

	"..." Iori responded.

	"Okay.  Glad I could clear that up.  Let's get on with it.  
Good clean brawl--"

	Both martial artists turned on Bean.

	"SHINE!" "HIRYUU SHOTEN HA!"

	The Roadbuster managed to take down two brick walls before 
coming to a rest in the men's john, scorched and smoking.

	Now it was two.

						*

	"WOW!" Hiroshi proclaimed.  "Two recently forged rivals, the 
only competitors left in the Finder's Keepers match!  Look at them 
GO!  I don't think they care about finding the belt at this point, 
just making sure the other guy isn't able to bend his legs 
correctly for months!"

	The fight spilled back into the arena, the two exchanging 
blows, in a running melee that spread across the entrance stage.  
Ranma backflipped to avoid a sparking purple flame that raced 
along the floor -- Iori sidestepped a barrage of amaguriken 
punches.  Both were skilled, both were angry, both were going at 
it with everything they had...

	"Boooring," Marlo declared, getting up.  "Nothing kills 
ratings worse than an straight fight.  I've got a match to prepare 
for.  Excuse me, boys."

	Marlo opened a gateway straight to FurnitureSpace, climbed 
inside, and vanished.

	"I'm bored myself, but that's par for course," Daisuke said. 
 "So who are you betting on, Hiroshi?  I'll put you fifty yen on 
Iori."

	"Oh, come on!  Ranma NEVER loses. ...well, he loses, but 
never twice in a row.  Usually."  Hiroshi leaned back in his 
announcer's chair.  A metallic scrape sounded as it leaned a bit 
lopsided.  "I'm just wondering where they put that-- eh?  What's 
this?"

	Hiroshi picked up the Hardcore Belt that had been hidden 
under his chair, confused.

	*DING*

	"AND THE WINNER OF THE FINDER'S KEEPERS HARDCORE FREE FOR 
ALL... HIROOOOSHI!" Touga announced, unable to contain his glee at 
the irony.

	The fight at the top of the ramp.... stopped.  Right in mid 
battle pose.

	"...................." Hiroshi said, fingers tightening 
instinctively on the belt while all the color drained out of his 
face.  "But.. but I'm not even a fighter!!  No way!"

	Daisuke consulted a transcript.  "Actually, according to the 
interview Yotsuya and Jack had back when the Hardcore belt was 
made, Jack stated specifically that 'Anybody can challenge for it, 
Gamma, Lambda, Hiroshi, anybody...'  I think Jack set you up, 
buddy."

	Hiroshi freaked.  That wasn't the scary part.  The scary part 
was that Iori and Ranma were COMING CLOSER.  And LOOKING AT HIM.

	"It'sbeenagreatnightfolksbutIthinkI'llbegoing!!" Hiroshi 
shouted.  "Daisuketaketheshowfromherethanksyou'reatruefriend!!!"

	Like the Road Runner, all that was left behind was a vaguely 
Hiroshi-shaped cloud of dust.  Ranma and Iori frowned.. and 
returned backstage, without looking at each other.  Whatever fight 
existed would wait.  Would wait one more episode, to be exact.

	"..we'll clean up a bit here, and be right back with the main 
event," Daisuke said, evenly, despite the large round sweatdrop on 
his head.  "Absolute Destiny Apocalypse.  It's going to be the end 
of an era, one way or the other."

						*

	Dan reeled a bit, but regained his footing.

	Damn that Saotome!  His glory night, his night to defend the 
kingdom of heaven, and he had an ear-splitting headache.  And a 
muscle ache from Iori.  And several bandages in general.  But 
nothing would stop the mighty DAN!  Not tonight, not ANY night!

	The match wasn't ready yet, but Dan walked right out of 
medical anyway.  Down the hall, past the smiley, purple-haired 
guy, bumping shoulders with him accidentally.

	"Oh, terribly sorry," Xelloss said, grin ear to ear, keeping 
something concealed in his robes.  "My bad."

	"No worries, friend," Dan grinned back.  Such a friendly man! 
 But time for socialization would be later.  For now... it was 
time to FIGHT!

						*

	"...I'm joined for commentary for the rest of the night by 
God herself, Kasumi Tendo," Daisuke said.  "Ah.. it's a pleasure 
to be here with you, Kasumi.  How are you?  I mean, besides this 
whole thing about you losing your job."

	"I'm quite good, thank you, Daisuke," Kasumi said, fiddling 
with her headset.  "It's going to be a fun match, don't you think? 
 Hibiki-san is so excited."

	"It's not his excitement I'm worried about," Daisuke mumbled.

	Dan didn't shoot through a ramp, our out of a cannon, or 
drive a cool vehicle in.  His entrance was normal.. walk out, 
taunt.  Roll towards the ring, taunt.  Roll, taunt.  Slowly make 
your way to the squared circle.

	But something WAS different.  Maybe the firmness in his step, 
or the pulse in the veins on his mighty taunting forearm.  
Something that said tonight, Dan meant business.  Although the 
pulsing vein on his forehead just suggested he had a headache.  
Dan snatched a microphone away from a flunky.

	"I... am... DAN!!" he announced, ignoring the demon boos.  
"This is it!  This is the match of my career!  Tonight, to all the 
MILLIONS... and millions of Dan Fans at home, I will show the 
might of my showmanship, my Saikyo skill, and my pure heart!  I 
understand that there is an arrogant young man named Marlo waiting 
for me.  Bring it on!  In the name of Kasumi, I will punish you!!"

	An entire living room set dropped from the rafters, crumpling 
Dan instantly into the mat.  Sofa, table, chairs, love seat, 
ceiling fan, carpeting, home entertainment unit and a grand piano. 
The whole ring sagged slightly under the weight.

	Rappelling down from the ceiling on a series of tied up 
curtains, Marlo stood on top of the ugly pile of joinery.  "Well, 
that about wraps it up for God!" he declared, flicking his thumb 
off at the announcer's table.

	Then the pile of high class furniture started.. to quake.

	In a purst of pink light, the various bits of living room 
decoration were shoved aside -- not blasted from the ring, but a 
circle was cleared, where Dan stood.  Glowing with sickly pink ki, 
eyes fierce.

	"Such tactics will never overcome my pure heart!!" Dan 
taunted.  "Now face my fists of fury in my previously unused but 
still very effective technique... DAN DAN BOOT -- TO -- THE -- 
HEAD!!"

	The Dan Dan Kick shot like a rocket, impacting solidly on 
Marlo's head, sending him spinning to the mat just outside the 
ring itself.

	Daisuke actually gaped in surprise.  "He hasn't used that 
since the tournament where you got your job, Kasumi!" 

	"Oh, Dan is a very resourceful fighter," Kasumi said, smiling 
quietly.  "You'll see."

	Marlo pasted Dan with a chest of drawers.

	"I hope I see it very, very soon," Daisuke stated.

	Dan rolled back -- well, tumbled backwards, before crashing 
into the security barricade.  Marlo chuckled, spinning a hat rack 
in one arm.  "C'mon, man, give it up.  My Varied Tactical 
Furniture Style is just out of your league."

	But this was Dan.  Giving up was not a word in his 
dictionary.  Being pounded into a comatose state was, but that 
wasn't going to happen just yet.  He stood his ground, coughing a 
few times... then taunted.  "Your furniture is powerful!  But I 
hold the key to its undoing!  As this is a Hardcore fight... 
BEHOLD MY SECRET WEAPON!"

	A hockey mask was donned.

	RIP!RRRPRrrRGRGrGGRRGRgrgrRGRGrRrrrr...

	The chainsaw held in Dan's hands rumbled with potential wood-
shredding power not unlike sixty beavers linked in paralell.

	Marlo, peeved, hurled the hatrack at Dan -- with one swipe 
from his mighty saw, the wooden rack was cleaved in half.  A duck 
and roll, and the table that came next was cut into three pieces, 
a spice rack into four, and a pair of chairs fell apart into nine 
seperate pieces.

	"I have found your super weakness!" Dan shouted from behind 
the hockey mask.  "I--"

	A can of latex wall paint came next.  Dan slashed it 
instinctively -- only to get a fine, thick coat of cerulean blue.

	"GAAH!  My eyes!" he shrieked, dropping the saw.  "Everything 
has turned a refreshing shade of sky blue!"

	"Easily done," Marlo chuckled.  He leaned against the guard 
rail, under the mega-sound-system Ultra used to announce fighters. 
 "I swear, Dan, I could beat you with one sink tied behind my--"

	A speaker toppled off the stack, crushing Marlo like can of 
Surge.

	"Gosh, it's a good thing this is a no disqualifications 
match," Kasumi said, completely unsurprised.  "It's so exciting 
when you can use any tactic or strategy available, including nice 
friends to help you."

	"Who did that?" Daisuke asked, trying to focus in the dim 
light.  A spotlight twisted up to catch the person standing on top 
of the audio stack...

	Mr. Satan stood, arms crossed, a rock hard expression on his 
face.  He gave the unconscious Marlo the finger.

	"I leave him to you, Dan!  Tonight only, YOU are Earth's 
Greatest Champion!" he called, and jumped off the stack, cape 
flapping -- and making a nice WHAM when he landed on his ass, 
before running backstage.

	"This could be it!" Daisuke said loudly, actually slightly 
excited.  "If Marlo stays down, Stone Cold Dan Hibiki will have 
won the Absolute Destiny Apocalypse against all common sense!"

	The speaker shot upwards at a speed that put it through the 
roof, and halfway back up to earth.

	In the middle of a whirling maelstrom of red energy and 
furniture stood Marlo... kneeled, actually, clenching one fist, 
while his impossibly awkward weapons whipped around him in a 
spiral of death.  Dozens of objects, pulled from FurnitureSpace... 
his eyes GLOWING with anger.

	Dan wrenched the paint-covered mask off, and panicked.  He 
went for his saw, but it was too late -- the whirlwind, the 
hurricane of comfortable seats and storage surfaces came for him. 
The pileup made an I-270 carbeque look like Mister Roger's 
Neighborhood.

	He weakly crawled out from the bottom, coughing.  "Bactine, 
please..."

	Marlo wiped some sweat off his forehead, standing again; 
Controversial Jack was at his side in a flash, shouting 
encouraging things into his eardrums with the megaphone.

	"YES!  Yes!  Good!" Jack said.  "You've got him now, kid!  
Now, FINISH HIM!"

	"With pleasure," Marlo snarled, advancing... then a sharp 
shriek jerked his attention back to Jack.

	Jack, who had been snagged around the neck by a leather whip, 
was being hurled into the ground repeatedly by Sofia.

	"Sof.. Sofia is backstabbing her former employer!" Daisuke 
announced.  "And there's Cage, with a shadow uppercut.. and Jack's 
tossed into the crowd and gone!"

	"You can take that pink slip," Cage shouted at the departing 
Jack, "Turn it sideways, and shove it up your ASS, Jack!"

	An ottoman sofa pinned Sofia and Cage to the ring apron.  
Marlo spat, and advanced, distracted.  "NOBODY trashes Mr. Jack 
like that.  Especially not two wash-ups like yourself--"

	taptap.

	Marlo turned around.  "WHAT?  I'm busy here--"

	Time and space distorted for ONE moment, as power flared into 
Dan's fist.

	"CERTAIN!  VICTORY!  RELYING!  ON!  NOBODY!  BUT!  MYSELF!  
FIIIIST!!!"

	The chain combo smacked Marlo around like a punching bag, 
each hit landing in turn, the bleeding out of chi like a shower of 
sparks off Dan's body.  One final uppercut, and Marlo was in the 
ring, and out of it.

	"YES!  I HAVE WON!" Dan declared, turning his back to the 
ring, and taunting the crowd.  "Good has triumphed over evil!  The 
destiny of Dan is sealed!"

	Marlo faded in and out of consciousness.  He rolled onto his 
stomach.. trying to hide something, as he snuck it from a pocket 
on his military jacket, and to his mouth...

	Controverisal Jack didn't tell him where he got the 'Senzu 
Seed', but it worked.  Marlo was up, on his feet, towering over 
Dan who was busy gloating down below...

	"NO!  Dan!  Stop taunting!" Daisuke screamed.  "Turn around! 
 TURN AROUND, DAMN YOU!"

	"Huh?" Dan asked, turning.  He looked up...

	"Sayonara," Marlo quietly said.

	An extra heavy, double-wide filing cabinet loaded with 50 
copies of the Starr Report hit Dan right in the kisser.

	Seconds passed.  The pink one's body twitched a few times... 
perhaps getting ready to rise.  But the silent ten count had 
sounded.  The fight was over.

	*DING*

	"...your winner, scarily enough," Touga said, a bit 
reluctantly, "Controversial Jack's champion of chaos... MARLO 
SEMAJ!"

	Jack sprang back to life in Row 3, Section C.  "YESSS!!!!" he 
shouted, doing a touchdown dance.  He pointed down to the 
announcer's table.  "In your FACE, TENDO!"

	Kasumi remained motionless, with a simple smile, as Jack made 
his way down to ringside, to give Marlo a big 'ol hug, a fat bonus 
check, and to give Daisuke the finger.

	"ABSOLUTE DESTINY APOCALYPSE is DECIDED, baby!" Jack 
declared, tearing the microphone off Daisuke's headset.  "Behold, 
your new GOD, CONTROVERSIAL JACK!  Life is about to get a lot more 
interesting for everybody!  KASUMI!  You've got something I want. 
 Hand it over!"

	Kasumi.. sighed.  Almost annoyed.  "Very well.  I bequeath 
the title and name of Lord of Creation, the True God, He Who Rises 
Over All onto the one known as Controversial Jack.  And I accept 
my new position as his executive assistant."

	A golden glow surrounded Kasumi, for a brief moment.. before 
transferring to Jack.  It warped and spasmed, chaotic and wild, 
before Jack dampened it down, straightening his tie.

	"Well then!  As your newly appointed diety... let's do some 
redecorating.  From now on, everybody is gonna have BRIGHT ORANGE 
SKIN!"

	...

	...nothing happened.

	Jack frowned.  "I said, ORANGE SKIN!  Orange!  Okay, fine, 
yellow.  Let's all look like the Simpsons!.... dammit, Tendo, is 
there an owner's manual or something?  You're my secretary, answer 
me!  And truthfully, and in FULL--"

	"I'm afraid that you only hold approximately fifteen percent 
of the power usually associated with the Lord, Jack-san," Kasumi 
said, answering truthfully and fully.  "The rest belongs to the 
symbolic representation known as the 'godhead'.  And, 
unfortunately, it has been lost."

	Jack flared with anger.  Tried to flare.  He didn't have 
enough controlling interest over reality to get a special effects 
budget.  But he was DAMN angry, either way.

	"WHAT?!!" he shrieked.

	"It was unavoidable," Kasumi said.  "He walked into my 
office, after I summoned him, and asked me if he could borrow it, 
like I asked him to ask me.  And since I'm polite, I agreed.  Of 
course, I don't know where he put it, or where he's gone off to.  
In fact, I specifically asked him not to tell me.  But if you do 
find him, I'm sure he'd have one answer for you as to the location 
of what you seek..."

	And Kasumi gave a wry smile, winking and waving a finger.

	"Sore wa, himitsu desu."

	A vein popped in Jack's forehead.

	And.. he calmed instantly.  Assumed a happy, casual look.  
Mugged for the camera, one arm around Marlo's shoulders.

	"Well, win some, lose some," he laughed.  "What a crazy, 
wacky night!  Didn't I promise you viewers at home that nothing 
would ever be the same again?  Because it won't be.  Because I am 
GOD.  The rest is just a complication.  I'm going to launch the 
biggest manhunt in existence for that purple haired bastard.  And 
when I find him, he's going to be forced to watch the worst movies 
in existence on a satellite in orbit or something."

	"Good plan, boss," Marlo declared.

	"And in the meantime... well, I'm officially head booker for 
Ultra now, aren't I?  Don't you worry your thick little heads, 
television viewers.  The fun will go on.  Although... possibly not 
in ways you can imagine.  That's the end of the show.  Turn off 
your sets.  And I'll see you ALL next week.  On MY SHOW.  Kasumi, 
go make me some coffee."

	"At once, sir."

	Daisuke fainted, as the camera went to black.

						*

	Somewhere in Thailand, a beefy hand, scorched and scraped, 
grasped the edge of a crater.

	"...I'm going to get Washuu for this," M. Bison declared.  "I 
am going to get her if it's the last thing I DO."

	Then he fell unconscious again and rolled back down to the 
bottom of the crater.

-=-

][ ULTRARAGE BETA (EPISODE 21) RESULTS RECAP :

][ FELICIA, RYUJI YAMAZAKI, and DARTH VADER are now RETIRED.
][ KUNOU and HAOHMARU enter the Lambda Division.
][ SHERMIE and YASHIRO enter the Lambda Division.
][ MARLO enters the Gamma Division (with Hardcore specialty).

][ IORI YAGAMI def. DAN HIBIKI, and remains Gamma Champion.
][ BEAN/TIFA def. MOUSSE/SHAMPOO, now are Lambda Champions
   at 3W/1L.
][ OMEGA TITLE DEFENSE ends in a no contest.
][ ANGEL ATTACK and G VS. E end in a no contest.
][ HIROSHI is now the HARDCORE CHAMPION.
][ MARLO def. DAN in the ABSOLUTE DESTINY APOCALYPSE, now at
   1W/0L.

][ Next Author : The Eternal Lost Lurker


AUTHOR'S NOTES :

Please don't kill me. ^_^;

I figured I'd set out to make one of the least predictable Ultras 
ever, posting teasers and stuff to try and steer people into 
thinking it'd go one way or the other.  The overall goal?  
Surprise, entertain, and do the unexpected!  It is Jack's night to 
rule, after all, so it's only appropriate.

Speaking of which...

Future authors : Both the "Jack as God" and "Slayers vs. 
Dragonball Z" subplots aren't designed to end tomorrow, obviously. 
Both could probably stretch out across most or all of Season 
Three, so have fun with them. ^_^ Also note that the UltraDome 
will get moved back to its normal spot in Tokyo in Lurker's part.

Plotwise, hopefully I've closed out Bison/Ifurita as an angle, and 
Unlimited Desire vs. Orochi (although now the Orochi has Spirit of 
Shotokan to deal with, over Sakura).  And we've got that groovy 
'Ranma Goes Bad (sort of) vs. Iori' rivalry, with a little of 
Lillith and Wolverine in the mix on the hardcore side.  Plus Dan 
wanting to regain some respect after what happened tonight, and 
Mr. Satan wanting the same, and where did Jack get his hands on 
some Senzu, and now the Lambda division is heating up like a 
nuclear pile with swordsmen and henchmen and more...

Ultra - it's out there!

Thank you, and good night.

-2f