Hiroshi and Daisuke walked down one of the gleaming, shining, sparkling,
really groovy adjectiving hallways in the staff section of the completely
rebuilt Ultradome.

"You know," Daisuke commented, "you've got to hand Jack one thing. He has
style."

"Yeah," Hiroshi nodded, "I have to admit, I'm impressed with the new
place."

After the cataclysmic, catastrophic conclusion of UltraRage Beta, there had
remained, among other things, the matter of the Ultradome sitting, somewhat
mangled, in Hell. The Management had tried to recover it...and it had
gotten stuck not quite halfway to the surface.

The New Lord Almighty, Controversial Jack Lysias, had been pissed. He'd
ranted and raved, and raved and ranted, and actually had a shouting match
with Mr. Duck.

Then he'd calmed down, made a few phone calls, and dealt with the
situation. The tunnel the arena had been pulled down was completely filled
in by This Old Dojo, and a brand new, glitzy, high-tech, budget-busting
Ultradome had been constructed.

It had come as something of a surprise to everyone when Jack announced that
he was keeping the entire Ultra staff on, with the exception of "that
dipshit pretty-boy" and "that pasta-snarfing joke of a referee". Kasumi had
chided him for his language, and he'd laughed in her face.

He may be the Almighty, but he was still Jack. And thus, he was still as
controversial as ever. Moreso, in fact, now that he could pretty much get
away with whatever the Hell (or Heaven) he wanted.

In all honesty, things under Controversial Jack's reign weren't all that
bad--especially since he still lacked the full power that went with the
position. Of course, he'd only been on the job for a week, but the world
was still intact, if a bit more chaotic; no wars had broken out--yet, and
life wasn't much different than it had been before. (Okay, granted, he'd
given Jerry Springer divine right to take over the government of the U.S.,
and advocates of controversial causes everywhere were suddenly becoming
religious sects, but that kind of thing was to be expected.)

But most importantly, the Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting
Federation ULTRA was still going strong, ready to provide the billions
around the world with a weekly dose of mindless violence, continuous
mayhem, and A Lot Of Amazing Entertainment.

And, especially important to the two announcers, they were still getting
paid. And Jack hadn't cancelled their bonuses for UltraRage.

However, despite the fact that he was now virtually independently wealthy,
Hiroshi seemed a bit down in the dumps. In fact, as we rejoin our walk with
the two never-to-be-cloned-again announcers, Hiroshi is in the process of
heaving a deep sigh.

Daisuke glanced at his normally hyperactive partner. "What's wrong,
'Roshi?" he asked.

Hiroshi glanced at his partner. "A certain really heavy belt, with a big
letter H on it, that's what's wrong."

"Ah," Daisuke nodded. "You're worried about--"

"Wouldn't you be?" Hiroshi cut him off. "Dude, I'm not a fighter. I
wouldn't even know how to block a punch. Even after all this time watching
Ranma and everyone else fight, I couldn't even do that if I had to. And
that...that...BELT..." He sighed. "You know someone's going to be after it,
eventually."

"Well..." Daisuke cast about lamely for some kind of reassurance. "Maybe if
you just stick it in the back of your closet, they'll forget about it."

"I wish," Hiroshi snorted. "No, the Boss insisted that I 'display it
proudly' on the show."

Daisuke shook his head. "It figures."

"And have you seen the new tuxedos he had wardrobe send down? Ugh!" Hiroshi
ranted.

Daisuke nodded, grimacing. Not *all* was sunshine and roses under the new
management...not that anyone had expected it to be. "Well...man, all I can
say is, you'll think of something. Just be careful."

"Thanks, Dai," Hiroshi said, sincerely.

Daisuke smiled. "Hey, you irritate the hell out of me, but if something
happened to you and...you know, you died again..." He swallowed. "I'd kinda
almost miss working with you."

Hiroshi turned to his partner and longtime friend. "That's...that's
beautiful, man..."

The two paused for a long moment.

"I gotta go take a piss," Daisuke said.

Hiroshi nodded. "Yeah, seeya in the booth." He continued onward toward the
dressing rooms.

As he neared an intersection, someone hissed out his name. He looked up,
glanced around.

"Hey, Hiroshi, over here," the indistinguishable voice rasped. A hand
beckoned from around the corner.

Curious, despite the sudden sense of danger, Hiroshi complied.


******


Dead.

She was dead. Dead and gone. Gone and dead.

Lina was dead.

For almost a week after the fateful battle, after the news had come down
across the wire that the legendary sorceress was no more, Gourry Gabriev
had wandered around aimlessly, a zombie, a shell of his former, cheerful
self.

Lina was dead. Life didn't seem all that great anymore.

Eventually, the blond swordsman had found his way back to the last place he
wanted to be, the greatest reminder of what had happened: the Ultradome.

And then, something snapped.

Lina was dead. But there would be time to mourn later.

Before that, however...

Gourry had a score to settle. Lina's murderer was going to pay.

And Gourry wasn't going to take American Express.


******


"...and that's how it all happened," Tifa said, staring forlornly into the
bottom of her beer mug. Her eyes were red and swollen, and her face was
streaked with tear tracks.

"Damn," Bean swore softly.

"And...and afterwards," Tifa sniffled, "he...he just kept...*talking* about
her. All the time. He couldn't let go. Everything...it was always 'Aerith
this' and 'Aerith that' and 'This reminds me of Aerith'..." She was on the
verge of breaking down again as she tipped her head back and downed a half
mug of beer in one gulp.

Bean's jaw tightened. He really wasn't big on touchy feely stuff, but he
did know that his partner was hurting. And near as he could figure, it was
because some guy was being a stupid jerk over a girl he'd barely even
really known.

And now...that girl was back, she was working Upstairs, and it was driving
Tifa over the edge.

He gently shook Tifa's shoulder. "Listen," he said as softly as he could.
"I say, to hell with both of 'em. Who needs 'em? You sure as hell don't."
He paused as she looked up at him, confused. "If this Cloud jerk can't get
his head out of his ass and see that he's hurting a pretty lady like you,
then screw 'im. Let the bastard live in the past if he wants to. You can
move on."

"But...Aerith..."

Bean grimaced. "Yeah, so she's workin' for the head cheese. So what? Ain't
your problem." He flashed a grin. "You know what? You got friends here, you
got a future here, we got a championship title here...what the hell do you
need with a prick like Cloud? Let it go, girl." With that, he downed his
own beer, and stood. "Gotta make a run. Wanna tag along?"

Tifa blinked, then shook her head. "I think I'll hang around here a bit.
I...have some thinking to do."

Bean nodded. "I'll be back in time for the show."


******


"You know, it just occurred to me," Ryu said, as he sparred with Ken in the
new Spirit of Shotokan dojo.

"What's that?" Ken asked.

"Did you happen to get a good look at Orochi's face?" He idly swept his
friend's feet out from under him, and paused to wipe some sweat from his
brow with the back of his glove.

Ken kippuped to his feet, and frowned. "You know, now that you mention
it...I don't think I did." He launched into a weak Shoryuken, which Ryu
countered with a pulled Tatsumakisenpuukyaku (which, unlike a hamstring,
doesn't really hurt when you pull it...just when you try to say it).

"Damn," Ryu swore as he landed. "Ask around. See if anyone else saw his
face. It might help if we knew who his new host is."

Ken nodded. "Yeah, that's for sure. By the way," he segued, "Have you seen
that...what's his name, David kid around lately?"

Ryu shook his head, blocking a kick from his old friend. "No, I haven't.
Which is weird...you'd think he'd be worrying about Sakura and all..."

The two Shotokan warriors paused, as the same thought passed through their
minds at the same time.

"Nah, couldn't be," they chorused.


******


In Heaven, an angel was worried. She was worried about all of her old
friends, but she was worried about one in particular.

Aerith had been too busy dealing with various things after returning with
Shinji and Lillith to watch the rest of the fights at UltraRage. She had,
however, heard that during the Lambda title bout, her old friend, comrade,
and possible rival Tifa had lost control. That worried her; she couldn't
remember Tifa ever losing control. Not that she'd had the chance to know
her for very long; Sephiroth had seen to that. Still...

Wandering into the video lounge all the angels used to unwind, she scanned
the small library of past Ultra events, until she came to the newest
volume. Slipping the video disc into the player, she skipped straight to
the Lambda title match, and watched, frowning. Tifa seemed awfully out of
it there, on the sidelines.

On the video, Tifa's partner tagged her in. The former barmaid and
terrorist suddenly came to life, attacking with a fury and viciousness that
startled the flowergirl-cum-angel.


/...why won't...you just...stay DEAD!?/ Tifa's voice screamed from the
speakers.

Aerith blinked. Why would Tifa say that to her opponent...? That didn't
make sense...

After a moment, it dawned on her. The angel's hands flew to her mouth, and
she recoiled in horror. *Oh, Tifa...no...* A lone tear streaked down her
face.


******


Stone Cold Dan Hibiki brooded mightily as he wandered through the vast maze
of corridors deep in the bowels of the Ultradome.

Many thoughts weighed heavily on his mind. Kasumi-sama had had faith in
him, and he had let her down. In fact, he had let the whole world down, and
now...

He knew he had to redeem himself somehow. He had to make up for his
failure. He needed...he needed...

He needed a new strategy. He needed...

Lunch. His manly stomach of iron was rumbling mightily.

Dan paused. A memory from after that dismal match surfaced. A short while
after he had regained consciousness, Controversial Jack had dropped by,
apparently feeling the need to add insult to injury. In the midst of the
aggravating needling, Jack had told him that he needed to change his diet.
Had that been some kind of clue? Divine words of wisdom from the
controversial new deity?

The pink wonder mulled this over. Perhaps...perhaps he *had* been eating
the wrong foods; a warrior needed much strength to do battle, and what one
ate had a lot to do with one's strength.

Dan pondered. Food to make him stronger...that's what he needed. Strong
food. He frowned. What was the strongest food, the perfect food for a
warrior?

After a long, laborious thought process, during which he traversed the same
half-mile of hallway fifteen times, Dan had the answer. There was one kind
of food that was so powerful, it made grown men weep. Food so mighty, it
challenged even the toughest of intestinal fortitude. Food so incredibly
strong, it even had the power to disrupt the environment of those who ate
it.

With newfound hope in his heart, a plan in his head, and extreme hunger in
his belly, Dan marched off to the cafeteria...to feed.


******


High above the Ultradome arena, in a secluded alcove from which he could
oversee his domain in comfort and privacy, Jack Lysias sat upon a throne of
cheese. A large, day-glo orange sombrero, cut open on top so as not to
stifle the creative growth of his spiky red hair, sat atop his head, and
his new salsa tie danced erratically as he laughed. "Oh, this is going to
be SOOOO much fun...isn't it, Mr. Duck?" he asked.

*SQUEEK*

"I'm glad you agree, Mr. Duck." Jack chuckled. "You agree too, don't you,
Kasumi-chan?" he asked the other animate individual in the room.

"Well...I suppose," Kasumi said.

Jack grinned. He pulled a bag of Tostitos out of nowhere, and scooped a bit
of his throne onto one, popping it into his mouth.

Tears began to stream from his eyes. For the cheese, which bore his name,
was good. But it had way too many peppers.

Kasumi secretly smiled. Yes, this *could* be interesting...



                              LIVE!
                       FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                      THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
                     IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
                      SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
                        AND IMPROFANFIC!
                         IT'S TIME FOR...

            {    M A G I C A L  C R O S S O V E R    }
            {  F I G H T I N G  F E D E R A T I O N  }
            {             .-----------.              }
            {             | U-L-T-R-A |              }
            {             `-----------'              }
            { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }

          Episode 22 : Mayhem, Madness, and Mexican Food
                Written by The Eternal Lost Lurker



The thousands of screaming, enthusiastic, exhiliarated fans who had packed
into the Ultradome for the first show since UltraRage Beta noticed that the
arena for The Almighty's own fighting federation had undergone a number of
cosmetic changes.

Everything gleamed, sparkled, glittered, and in general exuded an aura of
spanky-newness. The arena had been upgraded with the latest in comfort
seating, complete with real imitation vinyl cushions padded with a
reasonable facsimile of foam rubber. Myriad other small improvements,
touches, and just plain Neat Crap (tm) had been added here and there,
making the Ultradome just that much more impressive than usual.

Of course, the price of tickets had gone up a pretty yen, and the
concession and souvenir vendors had already taken to raping their customers
in nearly every sense of the word (or, for those who were into that sort of
thing, *every* sense of the word), but for the die-hard, hardcore fans of
mindless chaos, chaotic violence, and violent mindlessness, that was Oh
Kay.

As the crowd, having nothing to do at the moment but sit, cheer, and wave
signs did exactly that, the lights in the arena slowly dimmed, as the new,
improved, more-spiffy-than-spiffy sound system thundered to life.
Multicolored lasers traced around the arena as the first strains of
Rammstein's "Sehnsucht" rang out, picking up speed and coalescing into a
pattern as the beat began to pick up. By the time the heavy guitar kicked
in, rocking the Ultradome to its foundations, the lasers had gathered in
the center of the ring, forming a strobing 'Ultra' logo on the canvas. The
crowd roared, cheered, hooted, hollered, and made tons of Gratuitous Noise
(tm). A spotlight shone on everyone's favorite oft-incarnated announcers,
dressed in shimmery, shiny, outright gawdy metallic-red tuxedos, with shiny
orange dress shirts, that looked as though they had been stolen from Rod
Roddy's wardrobe. Hiroshi, trying to pretend there was not a large, golden
belt slung over his shoulder, snatched up his microphone enthusiastically,
erupting with so much Raw Excitement that he drowned out Rammstein before
the sound director began the fadeout.

"LAAAADIIIIEEEEEEEEESSSS AAAAAANNNNNNDDD
GEEEEENNNNTLLLLLEEEEEMEEEEEEENNNNN, THIIIIIIIISSSS! IIIIIIIIIIIIISSS!
*UUUUUUULLLLLLLLLTRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA!!!*"

"It certainly is," Daisuke added as the echos of his partner's voice caught
up with an unsuspecting DeLorean somewhere beyond the sound barrier. "As
you can see, the *ahem* new management has made a few changes here and
there, and promises even more excitement than ever for your sports
entertainment pleasure."

"AAAAAND we have QUITE a SHOW for YOU TONIGHT, FIGHT FANS!" Hiroshi crowed.
"FIVE AMAZING, SPECTACULAR, FANTASTIC, INDESCRIBABLY
SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS--"

"That's pretty damn indescribable," Daisuke almost-quipped.

"--AND ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL MATCHES!" Hiroshi continued, without missing a
beat. "YES, a TRUE EXTRAVAGANZA OF MAYHEM, MADNESS, and
UUUULLLLTRRRRAAAAA-VIOLEEEEENNNNNNNNNCE!!"

"I thought we agreed to get off that 'ultra-violence' cliche," Daisuke
nitpicked.

"WORK with me here, Daisuke," Hiroshi complained.

Daisuke shrugged. "Whatever. Tonight's scheduled card includes one Lambda
match, two Omega matches, and two special Gamma matches."

"ONE of which is the MOTHER of ALL RUMBLES, the SURVIVAL OF THE TOUGHEST!"
Hiroshi enthused, working up the crowd.

"Right," Daisuke un-enthused, not really giving a damn so long as he got
paid. "So let's get started, but first-" He paused, shuffling his
notecards. "We have a new referee for our Lambda and Gamma matches
tonight."

"Rock On" began to swell from the uberspeakers.

"THE ORIGINAL STONE COLD SLAYER," Hiroshi shouted, waging war against the
sound system with dramatic results, "ZEEELLLLLLGAAAAAAADIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!!!"

The man, the myth, the chimera, Zelgadis Greywers, walked somberly down the
ramp, seeming a bit annoyed at the intro, unnerved by the screaming crowds,
and uncomfortable in his referee outfit-cum-tuxedo.

Back at the announcers' table, Hiroshi was on an adrenaline high as he
pumped his microphone as though it were the Mighty Taunting Fist of Dan.
"AND NOW, WITH NO FURTHER ADO, LET'S! GET! BIZZAY!"

Approximately one-third of the crowd produced the expected response,
pumping fists in the air and making fake dog noises.

"We're starting off with our Lambda match tonight," Daisuke stated blandly,
refusing to get bizzay. "So let's hurry up and go ringside."


******


Tifa looked at herself in the mirror as she tugged on her gloves. She was a
mess. Idly, she grabbed a moist towelette from her dresser, and dabbed at
her face, trying to erase the signs of her previous distress.

While Bean had been away on a courier run, she had done a bit of soul
searching. Bean had been right, yet...he'd also been wrong.

Tifa had gotten hold of the tape of her last fight, and had been shocked at
her actions, and her words. She thought back to that night, and the things
she'd said...

Aerith had never done anything to Tifa. She knew that. In fact, they had
been friends, albeit strained at times where Cloud was concerned. When
Sephiroth killed Aerith, Tifa was just as shocked, upset, hurt, and angry
as anyone else. She had mourned the cheerful young woman as much as anyone
(besides Cloud, that is).

To hear her own voice wishing Aerith had *stayed* dead...she felt like
slime.

With a sigh, she shook her head, straightened her outfit, and trudged out
of her dressing room. Time for moping around later; right now, Bean would
be counting on her to help defend their title.

As she walked down the corridor, a timid voice stopped her. "Tifa?"

The barmaid turned, and her eyes widened. Standing several feet away,
looking extremely nervous, was a young woman with long, brown hair, wearing
an ordinary pink dress and a short red coat. Even in her obvious state of
distress, she seemed to glow with a soft, ethereal light.

"Aerith..." Tifa said.

"Tifa...I..." Aerith began, uneasily.

Suddenly, Tifa found herself rushing toward the other woman, hugging her,
crying again. "Aerith..." she sobbed. "I'm so sorry..."

Aerith blinked, but put her arms around her friend. "It's okay..." She fell
silent, unsure what to say.

Tifa took a step back. "I...I wouldn't blame you if you hate me for...for
what I said..."

Aerith smiled. "Angels never hate, Tifa." She looked down. "I just...I
thought maybe you hated me..."

Tifa shook her head. "I...I thought..." She frowned. "It doesn't matter
what I thought. I was wrong. I've been blaming you for something that's not
your fault. I..."

"I think I understand," Aerith said, a sad smile crossing her face.

Tifa composed herself. "So, what...what brings you here?" she asked.

Aerith's smile switched moods, becoming cheerful. "I wanted to congratulate
you on winning the title," she said. "And to wish you luck tonight. I would
have come sooner, but--"

Tifa giggled. "Been pretty busy up there, ne?"

The angel nodded. "You could say that." Reaching into one of her pockets,
she extracted something, and handed it to the other woman. "Here, I brought
you a little good-luck charm."

Tifa took the small, green sphere from her friend, and smiled. Clicking it
into a slot on the back of her glove, she hugged Aerith again. "Thanks.
I'll win this one for you."

"For old times," Aerith corrected, giggling. Releasing Tifa, she gave a
small wave, and disappeared in a beam of soft white light.

Tifa smiled, the first genuinely happy smile she'd smiled in a long time,
and bounced lightly down to the arena. It was time to kick ass.


******

Zelgadis, wondering how he'd been roped into this situation, grabbed the
microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, in the shoe corner--shoe corner?"

A size twenty Air Jordan dropped from the ceiling on a bungee cord near one
of the turnbuckles. Zelgadis sweatdropped.

"Er. Right. In the shoe corner, the Succulant Succubi Sisters, the Sultanas
of Slut, CLAN AENSLAND!"

"Closer" by NIN played as the succubus duo walked lightly down the ramp,
the elder of the two seemingly annoyed by the introduction. "Hey you," she
said, addressing Zelgadis, "watch what you say up there, unless you want
your stones busted."

"Umm...look, lady, I just say what they tell me to say, alright?" Zelgadis
disclaimed.

Morrigan shrugged. "Whatever."

Clearing his throat, the chimera continued, "And in the head corner--do I
want to know?"

He jumped as, near the opposite turnbuckle, a battered steel toilet popped
out of the floor, bobbing around on an industrial-strength spring like some
kind of demented jack-in-the-box.

"...no, I don't want to know," Zel decided. Shrugging, he continued, "In
the, um, *head* corner, the terrorist barmaid and the infamous
Roadbuster--Tifa Lockheart and Bean Bandit!"

Tifa and Bean made their way down the ramp, to the accompaniment of
Metallica's "Fuel". Bean grinned and Tifa posed, working the cheering
crowd. Upon reaching  the ring, Bean favored the bobbling bowl with a nasty
scowl, ripped it straight out of the floor, and tossed it into the cheap
seats, prompting someone in the back to hold up a sign which read "Damn,
That Bean Bandit Throws Helluva Far!". Hi-fiving his partner, he climbed
into the ring.


"Ooooh, he's a big one," Lilith crooned.

Morrigan licked her lips. "Mmm."

"Let me, oneechan? Please?" Lilith made with the kawaii.

Morrigan smiled. "Alright, if you insist. He's all yours."

"Wai!" Lilith cheered as she bouncied, in the way only a lolicon sex demon
can bouncie, into the ring.


"This match is set for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit," Zelgadis
declared. "Only one person per team allowed in the ring at a time." He
vaulted out of the ring.

"Hey big boy," Lilith taunted Bean, "Wanna play?" She struck a pose that
practically screamed jailbait.

Bean made a face. "Let's get this over with."


******


"Nabiki-san? I think we have a problem."

Nabiki turned to her assistant. "What is it this time?" she asked.

The young tech looked nervous. "Well...you remember how you said to have
all the censoring equipment ready to go at a split second's notice for this
match?"

Nabiki nodded, a sudden sinking feeling forming in the pit of her stomach.

"Well, it's like this..." the assistant began. "There...doesn't seem to
*be* any censoring equipment."

Nabiki stared. "Say that again?"

"We can't find any censoring equipment. No blue dots, no mosaics, no black
bars, no bloops, no bleeps, nothing." The tech cringed at Nabiki's
expression. "Umm...we may have overlooked something?"

Nabiki rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. "Keep looking,"
she said. "There's gotta be *something*..."



][ CLAN AENSLAND vs. TIFA/BEAN...FIGHT!



The Roadbuster was not particularly thrilled about facing off against a
little kid. Of course, with his recent experiences around here, he knew not
to let the size of the package fool him. A little can could hold helluva
load o' whoopass.


"A little young to be dressin' like that, aren't you, kid?" he asked the
young succubus.

Lilith giggled. "I bet I'm more woman than you can handle," she said. She
leapt into the air, and flung a tiny glowing bat at him. "Soul Flash!"

Bean lunged forward, grunting as the projectile impacted against his chest,
and grabbed Lilith's leg as she descended. With a yank, he tossed her to
the mat.

Rubbing her derrier, Lilith stood. "So, you like to play rough! Why didn't
you say so?" She winked...then launched into a flurry of strikes, wings,
fists, and feet lashing out against the hulking outlaw.

Bean smirked, crossing his arms. Lilith's attacks weren't even fazing him.
"Give it up, little girl," he said.

"SHINING BLADE!"

Bean crashed into the ropes, and struggled to steady himself. "Okay, that
smarted a little," he said.

Lilith put her hands on her hips, and smiled cutely. "And now..." Piffling
in the way only magical girls and really cute hyperactive anime girls can
piffle, Lilith's fighting outfit was replaced by a bunny suit, complete
with top hat. "Gloomy Puppet--"

Suddenly, there was a commotion near the arena entrance. The crowds began
to murmur as the Ultradome was filled with the sound of...

Yapping.

Lilith froze in the middle of deadly cuteness, and blinked. She, as well as
the others around the ring, turned.


"What's that?" Hiroshi wondered. "What's going on?"

"Something's coming down the ramp," Daisuke noted. "A lot of something."

Fighters, announcers, referee, and spectators were stunned speechless as a
horde of small, noisy animals poured into the arena.

"What the hell...?" Bean wondered.

Lilith blinked a lot, then went wide-eyed. "Sugoiii," she breathed.

They were small. They were only somewhat fuzzy. They were incredibly loud.
And they were obviously neurotic.

They were chihuahuas. Dozens upon dozens of chihuahuas.

They swarmed through the Ultradome, terrorizing the audience, running
around the ring, jumping into the ring, and causing general mayhem and
confusion.

Morrigan took to the air, face twisted in disgust.

Lilith was in puppy heaven.

Bean looked something between bemused and bewildered.

Tifa just blinked. A lot.

Zel raised an eyebrow, causing a wire-scraping-rock sound which couldn't
quite be heard over the din. "Aye chihuahua," he commented to nobody in
particular.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!" Hiroshi cried. "The Ultradome
has just been invaded by CHIHUAHUAS!"

"Where'd these mutts come from?" Daisuke wondered.


******


In his private alcove up above, Controversial Jack was laughing his
semi-divine ass off.

Kasumi shook her head disapprovingly. "Now, sir, that was very juvenile."

"So what?" Jack countered. "It was funny."

Kasumi sighed. This sort of thing could get old very quickly.

And just where *had* he gotten those chihuahuas?


******


After a few chaotic moments, during which nearly everyone in the arena
developed a major headache, the chihuahuas, as if by some unanimous
decision, suddenly regrouped, and flooded out of the arena, a living wave
of yapping neurotic four-leggedness.

After an uncomfortable silence, the referee cleared his throat. "Umm...you
guys want get back to the fight, or what?"

Everyone blinked. "Oh, right. Where were we?" Lilith said. "I remember!
Gloomy Puppet--urk!"

Bean's hand was clamped firmly around Lilith's neck. "Oh no you don't," he
said. Hauling the demoness in the bunny suit off her feet, he slung her
face-down over the top rope, holding her in place with one massive hand.
She squirmed and struggled, but couldn't escape.


"An unusual move by Bean," Daisuke commented.

"Yes, indeed!" Hiroshi agreed enthusiastically. "WHAT could he be DOING?"


Tifa was wondering much the same thing. "Bean--?" she asked, mildly alarmed
as Bean's hand moved toward his belt buckle.

"You know, I don't like hurting kids," Bean said, "but any girl as naughty
as this one..." With a quick movement, he whipped off his belt, and hoisted
it above his head. "...needs a SPANKING!"

Numerous gasps of surprise came from the audience. Tifa blinked. Morrigan
raised an eyebrow. Lilith continued to squirm. "Oh no, mister, please don't
spank me," she said, attempting to sound scared.


******


"Do we have *any* censoring equipment online yet?" Nabiki asked.

"That's a negative, chief," someone responded.

Nabiki sighed. "I have a *bad* feeling about this."


******


"Ummm...Bean? I don't think--" Tifa began.

*SMACK*

Triple-thick, armor-lined leather collided with scantily-clad succubus
bottom. Lilith cried out. The audience stared, murmurs of shock, dismay,
disbelief, and other reactions rippling.

"INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi enthused, totally amazed. "I'M TOTALLY AMAZED!
UNBELIEVABLE! THE ROADBUSTER IS *SPANKING* LILITH!"

*SMACK*

"What an...unusual turn of events," Daisuke commented.

*SMACK*

"This is different," Zelgadis mused.

*SMACK*

Those with more observant ears began to notice that Lilith's cries of pain
were becoming a bit less...pained. Those with quick minds put this together
with the fact that Lilith was a succubus, and...well...

*SMACK*

They basically came to the same conclusion that the more ecchi-minded among
the audience had already reached before the first smack, as it were, was
laid down.

*SMACK*

Tifa buried her face in her hands.


******


Nabiki motioned to one of her aides. "Get me some aspirin. Quick."

"Right away, boss."


******


After almost a full minute of administering punishment to the juvenile
succubus, Bean began to realize something was amiss.

Lilith didn't sound like she was exactly hurting.

And he couldn't be sure exactly, due to the armor in his pants, but he
thought she might have wet herself.

Bean dropped his belt, and let go of the demoness. "Hey kid...you okay?" he
asked.

Lilith flipped over, bounced off the ropes, and *glomped* Bean. "Please,
more!" she bubbled, a strange expression of mixed pain and rapture on her
face. "Don't stop now!"

"GAH!" Bean pried the chibi-slut off of himself, and flung her into the
ropes. He inadvertently noticed the wet spot that had formed on her bunny
suit.

Unfortunately, so did the cameras.


******


"Oh my," Kasumi said, blushing.

Jack snickered. "This is great," he said, munching on tortilla chips.


******


"CENSOR! QUICK! Dots! Mosaic! Black it out! ANYTHING! Just cover it up!"

"We can't!"

"Change cameras, then!" Nabiki roared.

"No good...the feed's locked in!"

Nabiki sank to her knees. "Why me?" she moaned.


******


"What the hell's WITH you, kid?" Bean asked, as Lilith bounced at him
again, rubbing herself against him and purring in a very disconcerting
manner.


"Bean seems to be in trouble!" Hiroshi shouted.

"Only if the cops walk in. Which...would make sense, actually," Daisuke
said.


"BEAN! YOU IDIOT!" Tifa shouted. "She's a succubus!"

"Yeah? So?" Bean replied.

Tifa groaned. "She's a SEX DEMON, you musclehead! All that spanking just
turned her on!"

Bean blinked. Several times.

He looked down at the far-too-young demoness looking up at him with big,
shining eyes.

He shuddered. "That's sick," he said. Prying Lilith off him yet again, he
proceeded to fling her out of the ring, in the direction of the arena exit.

"Oneechan!" Lilith shouted. "Tag in!"

Morrigan flew after her sister, tagging just before Lilith shot out of the
arena. Settling back into the ring, she favored Bean with a provocative
leer. "You know, I've been a naughty girl too," she said, suggestively.

Bean looked ill. "Forget this," he said, headed for the ropes. Tagging
Tifa, he said, "You deal with this one. I'm going to go throw up."

Tifa nodded, and leapt into the ring. "Aw, too bad," Morrigan mock-pouted
as she settled into a fighting stance. "Oh well, there's more than one way
to have a little fun..."

The succubus launched into a flurry of attacks, which Tifa easily
countered, answering with various punches and kicks of her own.


"WOW!" Hiroshi wowed. "Morrigan and Tifa seem to be evenly matched! THIS
could go EITHER WAY! HOW EXCITING!"

"Well, it's better than the lolicon lovefest, anyway," Daisuke said.

"Hmmm...maybe," Hiroshi mused.

Daisuke *stared* at him. Hiroshi blinked. "What?"


Morrigan landed lightly in her corner, catching her breath. "Not bad," she
puffed, rubbing her aching jaw. Those fists were solid.

"Not bad yourself," Tifa huffed, chest heaving (to the delight of at least
half the audience). She wiped a thin trickle of blood from her cheek. Those
wings were dangerous.

Morrigan gathered energy between her hands. "Now, to turn up the heat. SOUL
FIST!" A glowing bat of supernatural energy winged its way toward Tifa. The
barmaid dove to the mat, sliding across the ring with one foot forward. She
almost plowed into Morrigan, but the demoness took to the air at the last
second, and unleashed another Soul Fist at nearly point-blank range. Tifa
rolled into a crouch, wincing in pain. Morrigan took advantage of the
situation, executing a roundhouse kick in midair which would have taken a
lesser woman's head off.

As it was, Tifa's head snapped back from the force. She glared at the
succubus, her left eye and cheek rapidly swelling from the kick. "Okay,
that does it," she growled.

Morrigan landed in the center of the ring, and smirked. "Come on, surely
you've got something left," she taunted.

Tifa returned the smirk, although it looked more like a pained grimace.
"Oh, you bet I do," she said.

"Well then, let's have it!" Morrigan jeered.

"You asked for it," Tifa said. The materia on the back of her glove began
to glow. Extending her hand toward the succubus, she shouted, "Cure3!"

A shower of sparkly green and white light bathed Morrigan, who doubled over
in pain. "What...?"

"CURE3!" Tifa shouted again.

Morrigan almost dropped to the mat in agony, vomiting up blood.


"ASTONISHING!" Hiroshi cried. "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

"Interesting use of a Restore materia," Daisuke commented. "Relying on a
demon's weaknesses against healing and holy magic was a gamble, but it
seems to have paid off."

"INCREDIBLE STRATEGY BY TIFA!" Hiroshi cheered.


"Damn..." Morrigan rasped, coughing. "Damn you...bitch..."

Tifa wasn't done yet. Rushing forward in a burst of light, she laid into
Morrigan with an incredible chain combo of punches and kicks. Glowing with
an intense battle aura, she dropped to the mat, and as Morrigan reeled,
stunned, Tifa sprang upwards, driving her heel into the succubus' chin,
lifting her straight into the air. At the apex of the leap, Tifa
somersaulted backwards, landing easily on her feet.

Morrigan plummeted to the mat, landing with a solid thud.

Zelgadis jumped into the ring, and after giving the ten-count, walked over
to Tifa, raising her arm. "The winners," he proclaimed, "Tifa and Bean!"

And the crowd went wild.


"AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! WHAT AN EXCITING MATCH!"

"A decisive title defense by Lambda's champions," Daisuke said. "And I've
just been told that the judges have decided to make the results official,
despite the...interruptions."


"And WHAT was going ON with those CHIHUAHUAS?" Hiroshi pondered loudly.
"WHERE did they COME FROM!? WHERE did they GO!? WHAT SINISTER SCHEMES ARE
THEY PLOTTING!? AND DO THEY QUIERO TACO BELL!?" He leaned over the
announcer's table, doing an eerily accurate F. Lee Bailey impression.

Daisuke edged away from his partner, sweatdropping. "We'll...attempt to
answer at least some of these questions later in the show." He paused as
his headset buzzed. "But first, let's go to the roving backstage cameras,
which are busy tracking the chihuahuas. We'll be right back." Cutting of
his microphone, he glanced at Hiroshi. "Taco Bell?"

Hiroshi shrugged. "Well...it sounded good  at the time," he said.

Daisuke shook his head. "You're watching *waaay* too much American
television."


******


"Your aspirin, boss," the aide said, producing a small bottle of pills.

"Screw the aspirin," Nabiki said, head buried in her hands. "I need a
drink."


******


"You know," Jack the Almighty said, "I think I'm gonna like this job."

Kasumi smiled a strained smile. "You do seem to be enjoying yourself, sir."

Jack nodded. Then he glanced at Kasumi at length, sizing her up. "I think
we need to talk dress code," he decided at length.

"Ara?" Kasumi asked, blinking. Inwardly, she almost cringed. This did not
bode well...


******


Dan was tough. Dan was mighty. Dan was a warrior.

Dan was in a broom closet.

Dan was hiding.

From a pack of vicious chihuahuas.

He couldn't understand it. He had been sitting in the cafeteria, minding
his own business, eating a nice, big burrito filled with beef, beans,
chili, cheese, onions, peppers, and hot sauce. His eyes were watering from
the sheer spiciness of the thing, but he pressed on bravely, determined to
conquer the intimidating Mexican fast food.

And out of nowhere had come...the chihuahuas.

They had swarmed around him, yapping and yipping, yipping and yapping,
begging for morsels of his power lunch.

Dan had scooped up his Mexican takeout meal, refried beans, burrito, hot
sauce, jalapenos and all, and hastily retreated.

The chihuahuas had followed.

Now, Dan stood in the broom closet, finishing the last remains of his meal,
and listening to the frantic sounds of neurotic yipping on the other side
of the door.

Dan hoped they would go away soon.

Dan had to go to the bathroom.


******


"We're back," Daisuke said. "We're sorry about that, folks. It seems our
cameras lost sight of the dogs somewhere near the cafeteria."

"But rest assured, WE WILL FIND THEM!" Hiroshi promised.

"Or something," Daisuke added. "We'll be starting our first Omega match of
the night in a moment, but first--"

Another commotion stirred in the arena as a tall, broad, blond figure
charged down the ramp. Between the battered armor, the hand resting on the
hilt of the sword, and the wild, dangerous gleam in his eyes, nobody was
about to get in his way.


"--It seems we have another interruption," Daisuke said.


******


Kasumi looked at Jack. Jack looked at Kasumi.

"Don't look at me," Jack said, shrugging. "Not one of mine."


******


Gourry charged down the ramp toward the ring. Pushing Zelgadis out of his
way (to the surprise and annoyance of the chimera), he grabbed the
announcer's mike, and vaulted into the ring. "ROACH PEE!" he screamed.

Everyone blinked. Zelgadis sweatdropped.

"Roach pee?" Hiroshi wondered.

"I think he means to say, 'Orochi', Daisuke commented dryly.

Gourry sweatdropped. "Like I said, OROCHI!"

Bells rang out ominously as, in a burst of purple-black flame, the God of
Hatred appeared on one of the turnbuckles, arms crossed. Glowing eyes
regarded the blond swordsman with the sort of look one usually reserved for
a dog that just messed on the carpet. "And what, precisely, do *you* want?"
he asked, annoyed.

Gourry's eyes flashed with rage. "You KILLED LINA, you BASTARD!"

Zelgadis blinked. *This guy...killed Lina?* This was certainly news to
him...

The Orochi seemed to smirk. "Yes, I did. Your point?"

Gourry leveled an accusatory finger (no, not the middle one) at the Orochi.
"For Lina, I swear I'll have REVENGE!"


"WOW!" Hiroshi wowed. "Is Gourry challenging the Orochi to a GRUDGE match?"

"It certainly seems so," Daisuke said.


Orochi yawned. "Do yourself a favor, boy. Go home. Forget about your
pitiful little sorceress. She's gone."

Gourry stalked over to the corner of the ring. In a move so fast almost
nobody could follow it, he unsheathed his sword and slashed clean through
the turnbuckle. As he resheathed his blade, the offended piece of equipment
slowly slid down, almost taking the somewhat surprised Orochi with it.

Orochi snarled. "Boy, if you are that eager to [die], then so be it."

/It's settled then!/ the voice of the Lord boomed out over a loudspeaker.
/You two can go at it later tonight, right here on the show!/

"That's fine by me," Gourry said through clenched teeth, glaring murder at
Orochi as he stalked out of the ring and back up the ramp.

"I will enjoy crushing two worms tonight," Orochi said, before disappearing
in a burst of flames.


"AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!" Hiroshi cried. "CONTROVERSIAL JACK, YOUR NEW LORD
AND MINE, HAS AGREED TO LET THESE TWO FIGHT IT OUT RIGHT HERE ON ULTRA!"

"For his sake, I hope Gourry knows what he's getting into," Daisuke said,
his tone bordering alarmingly on genuine concern.

"It looks like we're OFF to a GREAT START tonight, folks! And there's
PLENTY more to COME!" Hiroshi told the viewers excitedly.

"That's right," Daisuke added, monotone. "Right now, let's go to our man on
the beat, Yotsuya, for an interview with the newest member of Omega
league."


Unnoticed, Zelgadis left the arena, in hot pursuit of a blonde swordsman.


******


A slight, pale wisp of a girl walked down one of the gleaming, refurbished
corridors in the bowels of the Ultradome. Her face was neutral as she
studied the small notebook she carried.

"am i expected to use this?" she had asked.

"Yes," she was told. "You are entering a sports entertainment federation,
and in order to make us look good, you must give the spectators what they
want. And what they want," her mentor had concluded, "is contained in that
book. Study it thoroughly."

"hai," she had responded, and began doing so as she left the office.

Gendou Ikari smiled behind his hands as the door slid shut. All was
proceeding according to plan.


******


"Hello, ladies and gentlemen," Yotsuya said, straightening his tie and
flashing a disarming smile. "I'm told that our new Omega fighter will be
arriving shortly--ah, here she comes now."

The girl paused, and looked up. Red eyes blinked once. A strand of thin,
light cyan hair almost fell out of place across pale white skin. She
silently closed the book and held it behind her back, standing ramrod
straight. The black and white plugsuit she wore left very little of her
figure to the imagination; the male portion of the audience was getting
quite a treat.

"Welcome to Ultra, Ms. Ayanami," Yotsuya said in his oily tones. "We're all
as excited to have you here as you are to be here, I'm sure."

"...," Rei answered.

Yotsuya's smile dropped a fraction. "Ahem, yes, well. Perhaps you would
care to say a few words to the fans, and to your fellow competitors?"

Rei paused thoughtfully for a moment, then spoke. "i am here to chew
bubblegum and kick ass. i am out of bubblegum."

Yotsuya almost sweatdropped. "Yes, thank you, Ms. Ayanami. We'll return to
Hiroshi and Daisuke in the arena, after these messages."


******


From their choice seating behind the announcer's table, Hiroshi switched
off his microphone, and leaned forward. "I think I'm in love, Dai," he said
softly.

Daisuke shot a glance at him, and shook his head. "Not this again," he
muttered, remembering an incident that happened during the week the entire
Ultra staff had been on paid vacation, due to the destruction of the
Ultradome.

"Aww, but Daisuke--"

"Just remember. Evangelions. Big. Squish like a bug."

Hiroshi pouted. "You're no fun."


******


In a cheesy, low-budget cartoon caricature of a mad scientist laboratory, a
cheesy, low-budget cartoon caricature of a certain diminuitive, red-headed
mad scientist grinned toothily as she entered commands into a floating
keyboard.

The scene around her changed, showing a different part of the lab, and the
scientist herself was now busily building some sort of apparatus, wearing
the same toothy grin.

The toothy grin remained as the scene changed again, this time with the
scientist dressed in a nurse's outfit, looming over a nervous-looking
caricature of a Japanese teenager who was strapped down to an examination
chair.

With another scene change, again leaving only the toothy grin, the mad
scientist could now be seen cheerfully braining a caricature of a
well-tanned blonde with a gigantic wrench.

The scene began to rapidly cycle from typing, to building, to looming, to
braining. Typing, building, looming, braining. Typing, building, looming,
braining. All the while, the same cheerful expression and toothy grin
remained on the mad scientist's face.

"Sometimes, it's best not to ask," an announcer's voice broke in after
about 20 repetitions of the cycling scenes. Finally, the maddening loop
ended, displaying a title card:

"Washuu's Laboratory. Coming this fall to Cartoon Network."


******


Zelgadis pondered what he had learned from Gourry. That...Orochi character
had somehow done something many had tried, and failed, to do.

He had *killed* Lina Inverse. Without even trying, it seemed.

Zelgadis felt a strange sense of anger and sorrow at the death of Lina.
However, he was no fool...Gourry could challenge Orochi for revenge if he
wanted, but no way was Zelgadis going to risk his stone skin for nothing.
It's not like anything he could do would bring Lina back.

Zelgadis was too smart for that.

Nothing he could do about it. Why should he worry? Life goes on. ...right?


******

Not surprisingly, when the cameras began panning around the Ultradome once
again, a number of new signs had sprouted up in the crowd, ranging from the
simple (Ayanami 3:16 says, "...") to the tacky (a sign decorated with
condoms and proclaiming "Rei: I've got your bubblegum right here!"). Heavy
metal rocked the house, exceeded only in volume by the roar of the crowd
and the enthusiasm of Hiroshi.

"WEEELLLLLCOOOOOOME BAAAAAAAAACK!" Hiroshi yelled. The cheers rose in
volume in response. "Yes, we ARE BACK, this IS ULTRA, and WE ARE READY TO
RRRRRRROOOOOCCCCKKKKKKK!"

"They know we're back," Daisuke commented. "And they know this is Ultra."

Hiroshi opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by a roar from the
crowd: "WORK with him, Daisuke!"

The two commentators sweatdropped. "Ahem. Well...it seems we have an update
on the situation which arose earlier," Daisuke said, reading a piece of
paper which was just handed to him by a stagehand. "Ultradome security is
still trying to detain the pack of chihuahuas which interrupted the Lambda
match at the top of the show. No word yet as to how the chihuahuas got into
the Ultradome in the first place, or as to their current whereabouts. They
do seem to be on the premesis, however, as sporadic reports are filtering
in. More on that later."

"But NOW!" Hiroshi enthused. "It's TIME for our SECOND MATCH of the night!"
Cranking the excitement up full-blast, he continued, "The FIRST of TWO
OMEGA BOUTS tonight, ladies and GENTLEMEN! AND, we have SPECIAL GUEST
REFEREES for the EVENING!"

"It seems that Son Gokuu has been recalled to his homeworld temporarily,"
Daisuke added, in reduced decibels. "Something to do with a planet-eater
headed there. Uni-something or other. While he's away saving his world yet
again, the first Omega match will be refereed by the local superheroes of
the fight's venue."

"SO LET'S BRING UP THE VIDEO WALL!" Hiroshi shouted. "AND TAKE YOU LIVE,
VIA REMOTE, TO..."


******

The city of Townsville...

On a quiet street, in this quiet, occasionally peaceful town, in a quiet,
occasionally peaceful house, a red light accompanied by a frantic buzzing
alert the residents to an important call on an important hotline.

Three young girls dashed to answer the phone. The girl with the blonde hair
and short pigtails reached it first. "Yes, Mr. Mayor? ...what's that? A
fight? Mmhmm...mmhmm...okay, we're on it!" She hung up the phone.

The other two looked to her inquisitively. The redhead seemed calm, while
the dark-haired girl had practically lit up at the mention of the word
'fight'. "What is it, Bubbles?" the redhead asked.

"There's a big fight going on!" Bubbles said. "The mayor wants us to get
things under control!"

"Alright! Let's go, girls!" the redhead said. Wasting no time, the three
girls took off, light trails marking their passage.


******


As the crowd geared up for the fight, a sudden rush of loud, fast music
boomed over the speakers. In the center of the arena, the ring began to
sink into the floor. As it descended and became flush with the ground, the
floor split slowly open. Murmurs of confusion rustled through the crowd,
not sure what was happening.

Then, something rose out of the floor.

It was big, easily reaching the same height as the upper rows of seats. It
had three vertical faces, arranged so that every member of the audience had
a clear view of one side. And it blazed to life, displaying a strobing,
colorful graphic in which first the Greek symbol 'Omega', followed by the
word Omega in both English and katakana, flashed rapidly across the triple
screens, accompanied by splashes of Extremely Cool Graphic Effects (tm).

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE RUMBLEVISION VIDEO WALL!" Hiroshi proclaimed.

The crowd roared their approval.

******


A portal opened onto a typical city street, bustling with people going to
and fro, disgorging a blue-armored figure. The dark-haired young boy looked
around, taking in the surroundings, before settling an indigo helmet upon
his head. "I thought there weren't supposed to be any people around," he
mused. Opening a panel on his weapon arm, Rock, better known as Megaman,
pressed a switch. His armor changed from indigo to crimson. Taking careful
aim, he fired a grappling line to the roof of the tallest building within
eyeshot, and pulled himself up.

As he set foot upon the roof, and switched back to normal fighting mode, a
black hole irised open several feet away. The Orochi stepped out, wreathed
in purple flames. "Your concern for these insignificant creatures is
pathetic," he intoned coldly. "And futile."

Megaman frowned. "Evil never wins in the end."

Orochi seemed to raise an eyebrow. "We shall see."



][ OROCHI vs. MEGAMAN. FIGHT!



Several streams of purple flame erupted from Orochi's outstretched hands,
homing in on the armored robot. Megaman leaped backwards, landing on the
edge of the roof, and sprang forward, dashing under the flames. He unloaded
a volley of plasma shots from his Buster, which Orochi countered with
several small fireballs.

Megaman rolled to the side as Orochi rushed forward in a blur. Flipping
another switch on his weapon, Megaman's armor faded to icier shades of
blue. He took aim...

Orochi teleported out of the way as Megaman unleashed a wide spray of frost
arrows. The dark god appeared behind the armored warrior, and prepared to
execute him in the same manner as he had that upstart sorceress...

And paused. "Your life force...is artificial," he said.

"Surprised?" Megaman asked, aiming his Buster backward. He unleashed a
massive ice blast, which sent the Orochi reeling.

The two faced off once more as the Orochi recovered from the blast. "It
matters not," the Orochi said. "Living or not, you will meet with the
Void." Purple flames gathered around his hands.

Megaman reverted to his standard Buster, and began charging up...

Both fighters were caught off-guard as streaks of light crossed their
vision...and they were sent flying.


******


"What just happened?" Hiroshi wondered.

"Good question," Daisuke said.


******


"What the--?" Megaman wondered, wincing as he dug himself out of the side
of a building.

The Orochi righted himself in midair, an enraged flaming aura surrounding
him. "Who dares?"

Three figures appeared in midair, seemingly out of nowhere. For all intents
and purposes, they seemed to be normal, average, run-of-the-mill little
girls. One was blonde, with big blue eyes. One had red hair and pinkish
eyes. The third was a brunette with angry green eyes.


"STOP FIGHTING!" The redhead yelled. "Before somebody gets really hurt!"

"Do not interfere," the Orochi said. "This fight is none of your concern."

"We're making it our concern," the brunette retorted. Not waiting for a
reply, she charged forward in a flash of green light, ramming into the dark
god's chest with enough force to send him spiralling toward the ground.


******


"Oh my...aren't those supposed to be the referees?" Kasumi asked.

Jack chuckled. "Hey, I wasn't expecting this, but...what the hell. This
could be interesting." He paused. "By the way, you wear that well."

Kasumi glanced at her new 'uniform', and blushed. "Umm...thank you, sir,"
she said.


******


Megaman dropped to the street, and stared in bewilderment. He had no idea
what was going on here, but...

He sensed a portal opening behind him. Before he could turn around, a
dark-haired blur rushed out, grabbed him, and yanked him through. The
portal winked out of existence, noticed only by the viewing audience.


******


"Well, it seems that Megaman has forfeited the match to the Orochi!"
Hiroshi announced.

"Not by choice, from the looks of it," Daisuke added. "At any rate, it's a
moot point, because I've just been informed that the mysterious trio who
broke up the fight are, in fact, our guest referees."

"INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi shouted. "What POSSIBLE REASON could the REFEREES
have for INTERFERING WITH THE MATCH!?"

"Just a hunch," Daisuke hunched, "but maybe they misunderstood the
'referee' thing..."


******


The Orochi glared at the trio of girls before him. "You have foolishly
aroused my anger. Prepare to meet your fate." Purple flames surrounded him
as he flew toward the trio of intruders.

"Come on girls, triple attack!" the redhead shouted. The three hyperactive
little girls charged the Orochi, slamming into him at blinding speed. They
then broke off, angling away in three directions.

The Orochi staggered in midair. Looking up, his eyes widened as he noticed
a streak of blue light headed right for him. The floating cameras
transmitted his almost-comical expression of dread (made less so by the
fact that his face was shrouded in dark glamour, but hey, even Jason
Voorhees can do comic dread, and he wears a hockey mask...) "Not..."

*BAM!* The blonde smashed him with a kick.

"...in..."

*POW!* He found himself eating the redhead's fist.

"...the..."

*SMACK!* The brunette headbutted him.

"...[FACE!]" The Orochi's flaming aura expanded, swirling like a tornado.
The three diminuitive superheroes hovered several feet away, waiting.

The Orochi released a triple stream of purple flames, which drove the
erroneous referees halfway across the city. He seethed for a moment, before
composing himself, resuming his normal, calm, cold hatred for all life.
"This battle is pointless. You will not waste my time further." With that,
a disk of solid blackness opened behind him, and the Orochi disappeared.


******


"And there you have it, folks," Daisuke said. "Due to circumstances beyond
our control, our first Omega match of the evening has ended in a double
disqualification."

"But EVEN SO, it was RATHER EXCITING!" Hiroshi optimistically opined.

"Not really," Daisuke said. "We'll be back in a moment, folks."


******


Megaman took in his new surroundings. In some ways, it was a familiar
setting...the numerous machines, experiments, screens, flickering lights,
and so forth and so on told him he was in a lab.

He glanced at the girl who had brought him here. "You're..." He paused,
frowning. "Gally, right?"

Gally nodded. "Sorry about the abruptness, but you've been a little hard to
track down, and since the fight with the Orochi got sidetracked..."

Megaman nodded. "Alright, so...what's up? Why am I here?"

"Because both Gally and I know your creator," a voice piped up, as a
diminuitive redhead appeared from somewhere in the bowels of the lab. "And
I think I have some...modifications which you might find useful."


******


Once again, Yotsuya smiled into the camera. "Hello everyone, Yotsuya here,
and with me is the newest entrant to Gamma division, a former member of
Omega division...the World's Biggest Fake, Mister Satan."

A hand shot out, and closed around Yotsuya's neck. The camera panned down
the arm attached to that hand, and revealed a hulking, extremely pissed
fellow in a robe, with a ridiculous mustache and an even more ridiculous
afro. "Care to rephrase that?" Satan asked.

Yotsuya coughed, and nodded. Once released, he straightened his tie, and
resumed his normal, smiling expression. "Now, Mister Satan...you've entered
the Gamma division in hopes of proving to the world that you're not a
complete phony, is that right?"

Satan's left eye twitched, but he kept his composure, and nodded. "It's
true that I have shamed myself in the past by capitalizing on the
circumstances," he said. "But tonight, I declare that I *will* rise to the
top of the Gamma division, and regain my honor!" He posed dramatically,
massive chest muscles straining against the designer silk robe he wore.

"Er. Right. Well then, best of luck to you, Mister Satan," Yotsuya said.
"And now, back to Hiroshi and Daisuke in the arena."


******


Hiroshi watched nervously as Ranma began prowling around the arena. The
pigtailed martial artist was obviously in a foul mood.

"Hey Hiroshi, what's wrong?" Daisuke asked.

Hiroshi made a point of not pointing at Ranma, merely inclining his head in
that direction. "That's what's wrong," he said.

"Ah," Daisuke nodded. "He looks pretty pissed."

"Oh hell, he's coming this way," Hiroshi panicked.


Ranma leaned against the announcers' table, in a very unfriendly manner.
"Hey, Hiroshi. Nice belt y'got there."

"Ummm...yeah, isn't it?" Hiroshi nervously giggled.

"C'mon, man, just hand it over," Ranma said. "You know you can't fight to
keep it, right?" He cracked his knuckles. "Might as well hand it over now,
an' save yourself the trouble of someone else poundin' ya for it."

Hiroshi rubbed the back of his head. "Well, Ranma, I would, but
there's...ah...a problem with that."

Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Oh, what problem would that be?" he asked.

Suddenly Hiroshi dove under the table. Or seemed to, anyway...he came back
up a few seconds later. Holding something.

Something that made Daisuke blink.

Something that made Ranma take a step back.

For Hiroshi, the butt of Controversial Jack's little joke with the Hardcore
belt, had a death grip on an old-style, but apparently still in good
condition, Thompson. "I can't give up the belt unless I'm challenged for
it," Hiroshi said. "And if I do get challenged...well, no holds barred,
right?" He waved the Tommy gun at Ranma threateningly.

It is well known that Ranma is confident, sometimes overly so. It's known
that he's not exactly the brightest bulb in the light fixture.

But even Ranma Saotome has his limits. Messing with someone holding a Tommy
gun on him at point-blank range was a bit too much of a risk.

Besides, he had a match to get ready for.

Ranma backed off, hands raised. "Okay okay, maybe some other time." Turning
sharply on one heel, he headed the other way, at a rather brisk pace.


Daisuke raised an eyebrow. "Where the hell'd you get *that*?"

Replacing his newly acquired protection under the table, Hiroshi smiled.
"Sore wa, himitsu desu."

Daisuke smacked his forehead and groaned. Then he looked up. "Ack. We're on
in five."


******


The crowds roared and waved signs as the cameras began rolling again.
"OKAY, we're BACK!" Hiroshi yelled. "And NOW, it's TIME for our FIRST GAMMA
MATCH of the night!"

"This one was set up at UltraRage Beta," Daisuke commented. "If you'll
recall--do we have the tape of that? Thanks--the reigning Gamma champion,
Iori Yagami, called out Ranma Saotome after Ranma stepped in and dropped
Stone Cold Dan Hibiki with a chair."

"That's RIGHT! TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY ARENA, Iori and Ranma will take each
other on in an 'I QUIT' MATCH!"

"In this match, there's no time limit, and no ten-count," Daisuke
explained. "The match continues until either contender calls for mercy."

"AND WITH THESE GUYS," Hiroshi shouted, "THAT MEANS WE'RE IN FOR A HELL OF
A FIGHT!"

"So without further ado, let's get right to it," Daisuke said.


Zelgadis stood in the ring once again. "In...no, I'm not doing this again.
Over here, a student of Anything-Blows--"

"ANYTHING-*GOES*!"

"Whatever. RANMA SAOTOME!"

Ranma ambled casually down the ramp, working the crowd, as "Born to be
Wild" blasted from the past over the sound system. A mix of cheers and
catcalls greeted him, the catcalls mostly coming from the Pink Wonder
Fanclub. Ranma leapt gracefully into the ring, balancing on one foot on the
middle rope, arms folded.

"And over here, the Biggest Bad@$$ in Ultra, current Gamma Champion, IORI
YAGAMI!"

"Freak on a Leash" blared as Iori rolled into the ring, eyeing Ranma
coldly. He was bare-chested; the scars he bore from his battle with
Wolverine some weeks earlier somehow served to enhance his bishounen-ness.
He cracked his knuckles ominously. "Saotome, I will *break* you," he
threatened.

Ranma snorted. "Don't make me laugh. You couldn't even break wind without
hurting yourself."

Zelgadis glanced from one warrior to the other. "Just...try not to kill
each other." He quickly made his way out of the ring.



][ RANMA SAOTOME vs. IORI YAGAMI. FIGHT!



For several seconds, neither fighter moved. Then, as if on some unspoken
cue, they tore into one another. Ranma delivered kicks and punches at a
boggling pace; Iori blocked what he could, took the rest without flinching,
and countered with vicious claw swipes and kicks.


"WOW!" Hiroshi wowed. "They're REALLY GOING AT IT, FOLKS!"

"That's for the benefit of the visually impaired in our audience," Daisuke
remarked dryly.

"INCREDIBLE! The SHEER FEROCITY of these two warriors is...is..."

"Ferocious?" Daisuke suggested.

"IT CERTAINLY IS!" Hiroshi agreed enthusiastically.


After about thirty seconds, Ranma and Iori retreated to their corners,
sizing each other up, catching their breath. Iori sported a few fresh
bruises; Ranma seemed unharmed, but had a hard expression on his face.

Iori gathered purple flames in his hand, and thrust them downward. The ball
of purple fire sizzled toward Ranma, hissing and sparking. The pigtailed
martial artist jumped straight up, touched down against the turnbuckle, and
sprang off, angling toward Iori. "TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!" he called, fists
blurring into overdrive as he descended upon the Orochi-driven fighter.

Iori attempted to block, but soon found himself overwhelmed as Ranma's
fists smashed into his arm over and over again.   A sharp *crack* reported
the splintering of bone. As Ranma's attack slowed, and he landed on the
mat, he failed to notice the ball of flames gathering in Iori's other
hand...

Ranma had no time to react as Iori caught him point-blank with a large
purple fireball, which swelled into a swirling column of flames. As the
flames dispelled, Ranma stood immobile. Iori reared back...then sprang
forward, laying into Ranma with a furious chain of claws, kicks, and
various other attacks.


"UNBELIEVABLE!" Hiroshi yelled. "HE'S USING THE YAOTOME...ON SAOTOME!"

Hiroshi promptly found himself buried under a pile of litter as nearby
spectators decided to reward him for his pun.


Iori ended his patented Maiden Masher with a fierce kick to Ranma's gut,
which sent the pigtailed youth flying into the ropes. Dazed, Ranma slumped.
Seizing the opportunity, Iori cut loose with a pair of ground fireballs.

Ranma recovered, and saw the twin flames headed straight for him. Still too
dazed to dodge, he began a spiral motion with his arms, then lunged forward
with a low, sluggish punch. "Hiryuu Shoten Ha revised: Burning Counter!"

It was a close call, but it worked: as the flames reached Ranma, they were
caught in a horizontal column of ki-charged wind; rather than
extinguishing, the flames were swept back along their original path. Iori
tried to dodge, but was pinned by the wind tunnel. The flames slammed into
him, burning his chest.

Iori crumpled to the mat as the wind died down. Ranma stood shakily,
recovering from the earlier assault, and the effort of executing a hasty
desperation move.


"THIS IS CERTAINLY AN EXCITING MATCH, FOLKS!" Hiroshi cried into the mike.
"WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?"


Ranma staggered over to the fallen Iori, and grabbed him by the hair. Iori
pushed himself to his knees, and looked up, in time to see Ranma's knee
crush his nose. Blood spurted from the offended facial feature. Iori
grabbed Ranma's ankle, and twisted, hard. Ranma grunted as his ankle gave
way with a sick pop. Shifting his weight to his other leg, Ranma pulled
Iori to his feet. "You're some kinda berserker," he ground out. "Good thing
I know how to take down berserkers." Seizing Iori by the throat, he pulled
back his other fist, and slammed it hard into the Orochi-blooded fighter's
solar plexus. Iori showed no reaction...at first. Ranma wasn't done yet,
however.

Using the same move he'd once employed against Ryouga, Ranma pumped his
fist into the same spot over and over again, like a piston. Within two
seconds, he'd laid over 200 punches into Iori's solar plexus. Releasing his
chokehold, he stepped back. "Had enough?" he asked.

Iori doubled over, coughing up a bit of blood. Wiping his mouth on his arm,
he glowered up at Ranma. "Never." His arm shot out, and his hand clamped
tightly around Ranma's windpipe. His face tightened in pain as purple
flames danced along his arm, flowing into Ranma.


"This looks like it's gonna hurt, folks," Daisuke said.


Knowing what was coming, Ranma began focusing his ki, trying to remain
confident enough to harness his full power. A ball of yellow energy
gathered in his hand.

"Now, die," Iori suggested.

"Moukou Takabisha," Ranma rasped, weakly shoving his gathered power in
Iori's face.

Ranma exploded in purple flames. Iori was engulfed in a flash of light.

Both dropped to the mat, smoking.


"OH MY GOD! THIS IS INCREDIBLE! THEY'RE BOTH DOWN!"

"This could be a double K.O.," Daisuke said, "But somehow I doubt it..."


Ranma began to stir. He picked himself up, slowly, breathing heavily.

Iori slowly pulled himself to his knees. His head was scorched, and he
appeared to be somewhat blind. A snarl of pain and rage twisted his lips,
as a wordless bellow ripped from his throat. A flaming purple aura
surrounded him, and he rose to his feet.


"And IORI is lost in the Riot of the Blood!" Hiroshi shouted. "Ranma may
well be in trouble!"

"Of course, Iori also seems to be having trouble seeing at the moment,
which could work to Ranma's advantage," Daisuke noted.


Ranma staggered, and barely avoided having his head taken off by a strong
kick. "So much for surrender," he rasped. "Gotta...take him out..."

"SHI-NE!" Iori roared, unleashing a frighteningly fast Maiden Masher. It
took every ounce of speed Ranma could muster to block, and his arms stung
from the effort.

Iori kept coming, striking wildly, purple flames dancing about him.

Tensing, Ranma took a gamble. Making just enough noise that Iori could
follow him, he began staggering in a more or less spiral motion, drawing
the berserker bishounen in with him. His flagging stamina decreased his
speed, and Iori was able to catch him by the throat again...just as the
pair reached the center of the spiral.

Ranma grimaced, and threw an uppercut, knowing that this was the last trick
he had. "Hiryuu...shouten...HA!"

A whirling, churning, glowing column of blue-purple flames erupted from the
two martial artists, destroying half the ring and punching a hole through
the Ultradome roof.


"OHMYGODIDON'TBELIEVEITTHISIS*INSANE*!" Hiroshi screamed, staring up at the
ceiling. "HOW COULD ANYBODY POSSIBLY SURVIVE THAT!?"

"We'll have to wait and see," Daisuke said smoothly.


The burning column of wind died down, and two thoroughly charred forms
dropped into the ruined ring. Zelgadis appeared from...wherever he'd gone
in the confusion, and checked the two warrior for vital signs. "Double
knockout," he announced to the spectators. "I don't think either of these
guys'll be getting up for a while."

As if on cue, a team of medics rushed ringside, carrying two stretchers and
a host of first aid equipment.

"Well," Daisuke said. "It seems all this match has proven is that Ranma and
Iori can beat each other senseless."

"BUT WHAT A SPECTACULAR MATCH!" Hiroshi said. "YOU DON'T SEE FIREWORKS LIKE
THAT EVERY DAY! AND REMEMBER, YOU ONLY SEE FIREWORKS LIKE THAT RIGHT HERE
ON UUUULLLLLTTRRRRRRAAAAAA!"

"Indeed," Daisuke deadpanned. "We'll be back in a moment with a special
non-league grudge match."


******


"Goodness," Kasumi said.

"Hmmm...that was pointless," Jack said.


******


Alarms went off all over Central Dogma as a figure appeared in the command
center in a burst of purest white light.

"Pattern...screw it, it's an Angel!" Maya shouted.

"That's right," an oddly calm, young voice said.

Everyone whirled around. "Sh--shinji-kun," Misato gasped.

"You would show your face here again, boy?" Gendou spoke, in a tone
bordering on harsh, from his desk at the rear of the command area.

Shinji took a step forward, eyes cast down slightly. Trembling, he forced
himself to look up. After all, he was here on business.

"Father," he said. "I'm here to ask you to stop this insanity."

Gendou's eyes hardened behind his glasses. "I have no son," he said
quietly.

Shinji froze up. Then, he took another step forward, folding his hands. "In
that case...Gendou Ikari, I am an agent of Heaven, an Angel, sent to demand
that you desist in your Instrumentality project."

"No," Gendou said firmly.

Shinji sighed. "Be warned, then. If you move openly against Heaven, you
will be crushed." With that, he disappeared.

"Shin-chan..." Misato whispered.

"The boy is developing a backbone," Fuyutsuki said calmly.

"It is poor timing," Gendou replied.


******


Kasumi walked into the infirmary, smiling at the young angel in charge of
the patients. "How are Ranma-kun and Iori-kun?" she asked.

Aerith shook her head. "Ranma's out of it, but he should wake up in an hour
or so. Iori..." She shook her head. "It's not good. He's in a coma. The
feedback from having his Orochi powers turned against him, combined with
Ranma's attacks, did a lot of damage. It'll take time for him to recover."

Kasumi frowned. "Jack-sama won't be pleased," she said. "That makes it
difficult to decide who gets the belt."

Aerith frowned, and was about to make a comment about that sort of
callousness...when she noticed something, and blinked.
"Anou...Kasumi-san..."

"Yes?" Kasumi asked, her usual, benevolent smile returning.

"Why are you wearing...that?" Aerith asked.

Kasumi blushed. "It wasn't exactly my idea," she admitted. "But, it's not
uncomfortable, so I don't mind." She waved. "Well, I need to go tell
Jack-sama the news." She walked out of the infirmary.

Aerith just stared. "How the mighty have fallen," she whispered.


******


"WELCOME BACK TO ULTRA!" Hiroshi shouted. "AND NOW, because THESE THINGS
HAPPEN--"

"We have a special exhibition grudge match," Daisuke smoothly interrupted.

"YES! One wants REVENGE, the other is just REALLY MEAN AND NASTY! And
TONIGHT, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, they're going to FIGHT IT OUT!"

"The grudge match will follow Omega division rules," Daisuke said, "and
against advisement, The Lord has decided there will be *no* referee."

"WHICH MEANS THIS COULD BE INTENSE!" Hiroshi enthusiastically roared.

"...or a bloodbath," Daisuke amended.

The Rumblevision Video Wall made its second appearance of the night.


******


A barren plain, on the edge of a dense forest, lay in the ominous shadow of
a battle taking place dozens of miles away. In the distance, a volcano
towered over the landscape, and a massive spaceship hovered over the
volcano.

Back on the barren plain, however, two figures appeared from
interdimensional portals. One, face cloaked in darkness, regarded the other
calmly. The other, face twisted in rage, glared up at the former.

"So," the Orochi said. "Are you prepared to die?"

"Ask yourself that," Gourry spat, unsheathing the Sword of Light. "LIGHT,
COME FORTH!" A blade of shining, purest white formed in his hands.

The Orochi chuckled. "This may just be interesting," he said, as purple
flames surrounded him.



][ OROCHI vs. GOURRY. FIGHT!



Gourry lunged, a war cry escaping his lips as he prepared to drive the
Sword of Light into the dark god.

The Orochi, for his part, let loose with a bolt of flames, then
disappeared. Gourry blocked the flames with his sword, then looked around
in confusion...

And grunted as he was driven into the dirt by an axe kick from behind.
Rising, he spun, sword at the ready, to face the Orochi. "Surely you can do
better than that," the God of Hatred taunted, throwing several purple
fireballs at Gourry.

Gourry charged forward, parrying the flames. With a yell, he leapt into the
air, and slashed downward. The Orochi, not prepared for this tactic, didn't
dodge in time, and was struck by the shining blade. He gave a roar of pain
as his flaming aura dimmed...and the shadows fell from his face.


******


"IT *IS* DAVID!" Ken and Ryu shouted into the television monitor in the
dojo.


******


"THE OROCHI'S NEW HOST HAS BEEN REVEALED!" Hiroshi shouted.

"David. That's an interesting turn," Daisuke monotoned. "I guess now we
know why he kidnapped Sakura."


******


"So, that's what you look like," Gourry said, smirking. "Not much of an
improvement."

"[DIE]," The Orochi snarled. A wide arc of purple flames slammed into
Gourry, who could not parry such an attack. He cried out in pain as he was
flung across the battleground, smoldering.

Orochi blurred, and reappeared above the swordsman. "On second thought,
perhaps I will toy with you a bit first. Your sorceress friend's death was
not as satisfying as I would have liked." A shadow formed between his
hands, distending into an oblong, blunted shape.  A ripping, roaring noise
heralded the appearance of a chain of small, purple flames around the edges
of the shadowy object. The flames roared to life, spinning around the
shadow at a dizzying rate. "Get up, boy," Orochi said. "Cutting you to
ribbons will be satisfying, but even more so if you at least attempt to
fight back."


******


"OH MY GOD!" Hiroshi shouted. "THE OROCHI MADE A CHAINSAW OF FIRE!"

"An appropriate choice of weapon," Daisuke deadpanned.


******


Sparks flew across the battlefield as dark flaming chainsaw collided with
pure white blade. The two warriors gave no quarter, dancing a deadly dance,
parrying each others' blows.

Gourry feinted left, then delivered a strong slash to Orochi's side. The
dark god roared as tainted blood flowed from the wound.

"Insolent [fool!]" Orochi snarled. "You will pay for that!" He swung his
chainsaw once more...

Gourry blocked, staggering from the force  of the blow. Sparks flew as the
two blades clashed together. The roaring intensified as the Orochi's
chainsaw bit into the Sword of Light, forcing Gourry to his knees. With a
desperate push, he drove the Orochi back.

As Gourry struggled to his feet, he failed to notice the sudden movement of
the dark god, failed to notice the incoming chainsaw swipe until it was
almost too late. He moved to block...

And screamed in pain as spinning purple flames bit into his hands, causing
him to drop the Sword of Light. He fell to the ground, writhing as the
flames continued to burn his hands.

The Orochi dispelled his flaming chainsaw, and bent to pick up the fallen
weapon. "Well," he said, "it seems you've dropped something." Igniting the
blade, he stood over the fallen swordsman. "And now, by your own blade," he
pronounced, "you will die."

He raised the sword...

And gave a startled cry as something massive slammed into him, sending him
flying. Gourry felt a massive surge of hot wind, and looked up...

The massive spaceship which had been hovering over the distant volcano
streaked past, hurtling into the forest, engulfed in flames. The wind
caused by its passing had extinguished the fire burning Gourry's hands; if
the ship had been any closer to the ground, it would have crushed the blond
swordsman. Gourry slowly stood, grimacing in pain.

The Orochi was nowhere to be found. Neither was the Sword of Light.

A portal opened, and medics rushed out, forcing Gourry onto a stretcher
despite his protests.


******


"INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi shouted. "COULD THE OROCHI BE GONE? COULD THIS BE THE
LAST OF THE GOD OF HATE?"

"Somehow, I doubt we're that lucky," Daisuke said. "Stay tuned, folks,
we've got another Omega match coming up." He turned to his partner. "Hold
down the fort, I'll be right back."

As Daisuke left the table, an overly cute, syrupy voice called out.
"Roshi-chaaaan..."

Hiroshi looked up, to see the younger member of Clan Aensland standing in
front of him, arms behind her back, leaning over in what was probably
supposed to be a provocative manner. "Ummm...yes?" the cloned announcer
asked.

"You know," Lilith said, "you're not gonna be able to keep from being beat
up over that silly Hardcore belt for long."

Hiroshi tensed. "Uh..."

Lilith perched herself on the edge of the table. "I want the belt back, but
I don't wanna hafta beat'cha up for it," she said. "Wouldn't be any fun."
She giggled.

Hiroshi frowned. "You know I can't just give it to you," he said. "It's
against the rules."

"Oh, I don't want you to just *give* it to me," Lilith said. "But I have a
better idea..." She leaned over and whispered something into Hiroshi's ear.

Hiroshi turned bright red. He tugged at his collar, letting some steam
escape. "Uh, that's...um...can I get back to you on that?" he said
hoarsely.

Lilith giggled. "Take your time, cutie." She blew him a kiss, winked, and
skipped away.

Daisuke returned, and glanced at his partner. "Anything interesting happen
while I was gone?"

"Uh, no! Absolutely nothing! Nothing happening here, no sir!" Hiroshi said,
shaking his head vigorously.

Daisuke gave him a funny look, then shrugged. "If you say so."


******


"Are you sure this is going to work?" one of the techs asked.

"Of course," Ritsuko replied. "All three Magi returned a 99% success rate
in simulated tests." She patted the bulky, helter-skelter assembly of
metal, glass, and heavy tubing sitting on a cargo elevator. *I hope this is
going to work, anyway. If it doesn't, I'll be a laughingstock...* "You are
certain of the fight venue, yes?"

The tech nodded. "We just received confirmation."

"Good. Then our chances of a successful field test just increased."


******


Rei Ayanami was halfway into her plugsuit when a burst of white light
appeared before her.

She blinked. "ikari-kun," she said, completely ignoring the fact that the
boy had just appeared in the middle of the changing room while she was in a
state of undress.

Shinji had the grace to blush a bit, but did not look away. "Ayanami-san,"
he spoke quietly, "I have come to make an urgent request of you."

Rei blinked. "yes?"

"You must resist my father's plans," the angel said. "His path is madness,
and will lead to destruction for all who involve themselves."

"i cannot disobey commander ikari," Rei said.

"Rei..." Shinji said. "Don't you understand? He wants to *fight God*.
Doesn't that seem *wrong* to you?

"that is not my place to decide," Rei replied. "i do what i am expected to
do."

Shinji sighed. This was getting him nowhere. "Just...think about what I've
said," he implored quietly. "I...don't want to see you, or anyone else,
hurt by this insanity."

With that, he disappeared. Rei finished getting dressed.

She could think about it later. Right now, she had a battle to fight.


******


"Welcome back," Daisuke said, cutting off Hiroshi before he could say
anything. "I've just been handed a mandate from God, folks," he said.

"Allow me," a voice said from behind him, as the spiky-haired Kamiversial
Jack walked up to the announcer's table. Not bothering with a microphone,
he used his limited godly powers to amplify his voice. "LISTEN UP! I've
just been informed that the Gamma champion is in a coma, and his challenger
is unconscious and not expected to wake until later tonight.

"Now NORMALLY," he continued, "This turn of events would mean that the belt
does not change hands. HOWEVER, because I like to stir things up a bit--and
because Mr. Duck suggested it..."

"Uh-oh," Daisuke muttered.

Jack ignored him. "Your Lord, Controversial Jack, has decided that the
Gamma division championship belt is now UP FOR GRABS!" As the crowd began
murmuring, he continued, "TONIGHT, at the end of the show, there will be a
Survival of the Toughest Gamma Rumble, in which EVERY Gamma league fighter
capable of competing will duke it out until only one remains standing. THAT
ONE, ladies and gentlemen (and Hiroshi), WILL BE THE NEW GAMMA CHAMPION!"

As the crowd roared, Jack patted the two announcers on the shoulder. "Okay,
I'm done, all yours," he said, turning to walk backstage.

"You heard it here first, folks," Daisuke said drolly. "Let's bring up the
video wall and get on with the show."

The cheering and applause of the spectators thrummed in time with the beat
of the loud music pumping through the arena as the ring once again sank
into the floor, which split open to allow the massive, three-screen
Rumblevision Video Wall to rise into the center of the arena. The pulsating
'Omega' graphic began flashing wildly across the screen, amplifying the
intensity of the crowd's enthusiasm.

Not to mention Hiroshi's. "AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! OUR SECOND OMEGA
MATCH OF THE EVENING!"

"Which will have a different guest referee, considering what happened in
the earlier match," Daisuke noted.

"And WHAT a STRANGE event THAT was!" Hiroshi chimed in. "THIS fight MAY be
JUST AS INTERESTING!"

"...or not," Daisuke commented, stifling a yawn.

"The battleground is SET, and the fighters are READY, so we now take you
LIVE to..."


******


Frozen waste, stretching for miles. Ice and snow as far as the eye could
see. Sharp, biting wind, driving a neverending blizzard.

It was a fitting battleground, considering the relation of icy tundra to
the origins of the two warriors about to arrive.

It was also one of the few places in the universe where the entire
population could be killed, and nobody would give a rat's ass.

For this was Rura Penthe, known throughout the galaxy as the Aliens'
Graveyard. The perfect arena for a decisive battle between the servants of
Heaven and Hell.

Or, as the case may be, a servant of man and a fallen angel.

Back in the Ultradome, the crowd involuntarily jumped en masse as the
opening tones of "One-Winged Angel" blared over the speakers. The two-way
audio link carried the powerful music to the battleground as the first
portal opened, and the son of Jenova stepped out into the ice and snow.
Neither his flowing silver hair nor his heavy black cloak were stirred by
the strong wind, being held still by the force of Sheer Perpetual Coolness
he exuded. Gazing calmly across the field of battle, Sephiroth awaited the
arrival of his opponent.

"One-Winged Angel" was abruptly cut off; a digitally distorted voice spoke
the very title of the interruption, an instant before the Ultradome and the
surface of Rura Penthe were rocked by the heavy opening riffs of Rob
Zombie's "Living Dead Girl". A giant portal opened across the field from
Sephiroth, disgorging the massive, cycloptic blue form of Evangelion
Unit-00. Behind it, attached to the biomecha by a thick, heavily shielded
power cable wound around an industrial-strength winch, a large, unwieldy,
boxy chunk of machinery chugged out of the portal, auto-driven tank treads
pushing it across the snow as it burbled ominously.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.


******


"HA! What did I tell you?" Ritsuko crowed. "It works! It runs on steam!"

The NERV techs sweatdropped, and backed away from the scientist nervously
as she engaged in a full-fledged megalomaniacal laugh.


******


"Our objectives will be completed...by steam?" Fuyutsuki asked, blinking.

Gendou Ikari smiled behind folded hands.


******


The music cut off as a third portal opened, and out strode Xelloss, the
ever-present smile crossing his face even as the sharp winds tossed his
robes and hair about wildly. As the portals closed, the trickster priest
turned to glance at each of the competitors. "Well, I assume you are both
clear on the rules. Let's have a clean fight, ne?"

Sephiroth gazed calmly at his opponent, and commented, "So, they have
provided me with another toy robot to demolish. At least this one should
provide some small amusement." He withdrew the Masamune from the folds of
his cloak.

The calm, quiet voice of Ayanami Rei spoke from a speaker concealed
somewhere on Unit-00. "i am going to take that sword, turn it sideways, and
shove it up your roody poo candy ass," the First Child announced solemnly.

Sephiroth's eyebrow raised once again, and a small smile flickered across
his face. "Will you, now? We shall see."

Xelloss pulled a folding chair from out of nowhere, and sat down. Snapping
his fingers, he produced a bowl of popcorn. "My, this should be
entertaining," he mused.


******


Controversial Jack saw red. No, correction, he saw purple. Purple hair. The
purple hair belonging to the purple-haired bastard who...who...

"BRING him to me!" Jack roared, executing a Full Blown Giant Demon Head in
the direction of his ex-divine secretary.

Kasumi smiled benevolently. "Now, now, Jack-sama," she said, "it wouldn't
do to interrupt the match, would it? I'm sure Xelloss-san would be more
than happy to speak to you once the fight is over."

Jack deflated, and straightened his tie. "Very well," he said. "But if he
skips out again, there'll be hell to pay."

"Oh my," Kasumi replied.



][ SEPHIROTH vs. AYANAMI REI/EVA UNIT-00. FIGHT!



Sephiroth assumed a casual battle stance as Unit-00 withdrew its
progressive knife from its compartment. The mecha met the legendary
SOLDIER's stance with a passable attempt at an easy, loose knife-fighting
stance.

"I see you have learned nothing from your compatriot's past mistakes,"
Sephiroth commented. He dashed toward the giant robot, and leapt into the
air, aiming a strike at what he knew to be the core of the machine. As he
expected, Unit-00's knife swung around to parry. He brought the full force
of the Masamune down on the vibrating blade, expecting to shear it neatly
in two.

Sparks flew as the six-foot katana skidded off the progressive knife's
surface, and Sephiroth dropped ungracefully to the ground, thrown off
balance. He blinked.


******


"A BEAUTIFUL block by Ayanami!" Hiroshi cheered, having switched his
microphone back on.

"Indeed it was," Daisuke agreed. "One has to wonder, though, how she was
able to block Sephiroth's sword, when it cut through Unit-02's knife so
easily."


******


Unit-00 lashed out with a light kick, sending Sephiroth sprawling several
feet. Crouching, the Evangelion gripped its knife in both hands, preparing
for a downward strike, and leapt.

Sephiroth rolled to the side just as the blade plunged into the ice and
snow, narrowly avoiding a most unkind cut. Springing to his feet, he
studied his opponent, eyes narrowed. A shifting energy field began to
spread outward from the robot's knife, forming thin hexagonal barriers
around its front and sides.
"So, that's how you blocked my strike. Impressive." He raised his sword
over his head. The air buzzed ominously with static electricity. "But
ultimately futile. Bolt3."

Rei gasped in pain as her Evangelion was struck by a powerful thunderbolt.
The AT Field absorbed a good portion of the attack, but enough had gotten
through to overload the unit's systems.

/Cut power! Cut power!/ Ritsuko yelled over the comm.

Rei struggled to comply, her movements jerky as her nervous system screamed
bloody murder. After several long moments, unable to reach back and remove
the cord from the Evangelion's back, she pitched forward, gripping the
progressive knife tightly, and plunged it once more into the icy ground.
Shutting down her AT Field, she heaved an involuntary sigh of relief as the
excess electricity coursed through the blade, dissipating harmlessly into
the ground.


******


Hiroshi was leaning so far forward he had practically climbed onto the
table. Relief was plainly evident on his face. "AMAZING recovery by Ayanami
from what MUST have been a PAINFUL attack by Sephiroth!"

"Yes," Daisuke commented dryly, "being electrocuted inside a mecha you're
neurologically linked to would definitely constitute as painful."

"Dude, you don't have to be so clinical about it," Hiroshi groused.


******


Sephiroth leapt at the slouching robot, intending to phase through and
remove the pilot, as he had done once before. He was therefore surprised
when, moving more quickly than he though possible, the Evangelion sprang
into the air, performed a complex backflip, and landed in a perfect
ten-point stance beside the hulking NERV steam generator. The son of Jenova
cursed under his breath; he should have learned by now that this child was
not to be underestimated.

Unit-00 opened a shielded compartment on the steambox, and withdrew a
mecha-scale rifle. Rolling away from its generator, the mecha knelt, and
took careful aim at Sephiroth.

The Jenova-driven bishounen smirked. "Do you really think you can hit a
target this size," he gestured at himself, "with a rifle that large? That
would require a great deal of skill." He began dashing toward the mecha,
careful to change direction often in order to throw off the bothersome
pilot's aim.

*She is clever,* he mused, *but surely she cannot be that skilled a marks-*

A depleted uranium slug the size of a Volkswagen Beetle slammed into
Sephiroth, flinging him several hundred meters away.


******


The crowd roared wildly, and Hiroshi was now standing on the announcer's
table, screaming into the microphone while waving a rising sun fan, tears
streaming down his face in true Soun Tendou style. "An INCREDIBLE display
of SKILL from AYANAMI, LADIES and GENTLEMEN!"

"I have to admit, that was nice shooting," Daisuke said. "Especially the
way he was moving. She has excellent aim."

"YES INDEED!" Hiroshi enthused. "You MIGHT say she could hit a HOUSE FLY
with an ASSAULT RIFLE!"

"You might," Daisuke added, sotto voce, "but I wouldn't want to be around
if Sephiroth heard you say that."

"..." Hiroshi ...ed.

"I thought that might take the wind out of your sails," Daisuke smirked.


******


Sephiroth narrowed his eyes as he dug himself out of a snowdrift.
"Housefly, indeed. Very well...the upstart child has forced me to get
serious."

Casting Haste, Sephiroth became a blur as he flew across the icy terrain,
headed straight for the Evangelion.

Rei barely had time to register the speeding form of Sephiroth as he
overtook Unit-00 and stopped, hovering over her power supply cord. An
almost feral smile crossed his face as he raised the Masamune over his
head.

Reacting quickly, Rei diverted the full force of her AT Field to wrap
around the power cord, just as Sephiroth's sword was about to strike...

But stopped instead a scant centimeter from contact with the field.
*Exactly what I was hoping you would do,* he mused.

In a flash, Sephiroth raced up to Unit-00 from behind, and quickly located
the area where the entry plug would be. With a quick swipe of the Masamune,
the end of the white cylinder had been sheared off, and LCL sprayed into
the air, crystallizing upon contact with the chill wind. Reaching into the
opened pod, he hauled Rei out by her neck, and descended to the snow.
Holding the First Child up about a meter off the ground, he favored her
with a rare sneer. "Well played, girl. You gave me a much better fight than
your incompetent friend." He raised the Masamune above his head. "It's
almost a pity that it must now end."


******


The Ultradome audience watched with bated breath. Hiroshi broke out in a
nervous sweat. Daisuke remained impassive.


In her hospital room, Asuka fumed at Sephiroth's comments, and silently
raged at the Wonder Girl for showing her up yet again. "At least she's
going to get what she deserves," Asuka smirked.


In the Geofront, NERV staff anxiously watched the central viewscreen.
Gendou remained outwardly calm, but to Fuyutsuki, he seemed to be radiating
tension.


******


*i cannot surrender,* Rei told herself. *i have lost, but i must not
surrender. commander ikari is expecting me to fight to the last. if i lose,
it does not matter. if i die, it does not matter.*

Weakly, she drew back one foot.

Sephiroth held the sword high above his head, eyes dancing with mania,
intent upon inflicting as much psychological torture on his victim as he
possibly could before striking the finishing blow.

Rei swung her leg forward.

"And now," Sephiroth said, not noticing the movement, "you--"

Rei's foot impacted solidly with Sephiroth's groin.

"--urk."

Rei suddenly found herself sprawled on the ground, and looked up. She
blinked once.

The Masamune dropped to the snowy ground with a muted thump. The invincible
son of Jenova, mightiest SOLDIER who ever lived, destined to become a god,
clutched his privates pitifully, doubling over. His eyes rolled up into his
head, and he toppled.


******


The male half of the Ultradome audience winced, covering themselves in
sympathy pain. Hiroshi, who looked like he was about to blow a gasket from
sheer excitement, looked a bit pained. Even Daisuke was grimacing.


In the Geofront, Gendou Ikari smiled secretly behind his left hand. His
right hand, which would normally be joining the left in the Smilegate
conspiracy, was currently standing watch over his tadpole factory.


******


Xelloss winced. "Ouch. That had to hurt." Striding casually across the
snowy plain, he helped Rei to her feet. "Congratulations, Miss Ayanami. It
appears you've won."

Rei blinked. She had done it. The Commander would be pleased.

She then remembered what else he had told her to do. Walking over to her
fallen opponent, she struck a pose, hands on her hips, and said, "boo yah."


******


Asuka bolted to her feet, staring at the television screen incredulously.
"WAS IM HIMMEL!?" she roared. "WHAT KIND OF IDIOTIC STUNT WAS THAT!?" How
*dare* she? The First Child was supposed to *lose!* Asuka was the better
pilot, and *she* had lost! How dare that...that...DOLL upstage her!?


******


Still grimacing a bit, Hiroshi shouted, "WHAT A STUNNING VICTORY FOR
AYANAMI! An EXCELLENT showing in her VERY FIRST BATTLE here in ULTRA!
Ayanami has shown ALL OF US that she IS a force to be RECKONED WITH!"

"She is a good pilot," Daisuke agreed. "However, her win tonight was pure
dumb luck."

"How can you SAY that?" Hiroshi whined. "That was the MOST BRILLIANT
strategy I've EVER SEEN!"

Daisuke shot his partner a sidelong glance. "She kicked him in the nuts,
man. It was a desperation move."

"YES! WELL! ANYWAY!" Hiroshi cried frantically into his microphone. "We'll
take a short commercial break, after which we WILL RETURN with TONIGHT'S
MAIN EVENT, the SURVIVAL OF THE TOUGHEST GAMMA RUMBLE!"

"So stay tuned," Daisuke added in calmer tones, as the camera crew
signalled the cut. Turning to his hyperactive comrade, he said, "I'll say
it one last time, Hiroshi. You should just forget about Ayanami. It's not
going to happen."

"I'm willing to risk it, Dai," Hiroshi said. "I have to."

Daisuke shrugged. "Your funeral. Again."


******


Xelloss appeared out of thin air in Jack's throne room. "You rang?" he
asked, smiling benevolently.

Jack seized him by the throat. "YOU!" he snarled. "WHERE IS IT!?"

"Where...where is what?" Xelloss asked,  smiling cheerfully despite being
strangled.

"THE GODHEAD! TELL ME WHERE IT IS!" Jack roared.

"Oh, that silly thing?" Xelloss said, extracting himself from Jack's grip.
"I...well, I seem to have lost it." He smiled smilishly.

"You...LOST it?" Jack asked, staring at him.

"It would seem so. I'm so terrible with keeping track of things," Xelloss
smiled sheepishly.

Jack's eyebrow twitched. "You...lost it."

Xelloss nodded, smiling affirmatively.

Jack rubbed his chin. "Where did you last see it? And what does it look
like?"

"You know, I really can't remember," Xelloss smiled absent-mindedly.

Jack sat down. "Kasumi," he said, calmly.

"Yes, sir?"

"Gather up Sex and Violence. Tell them to spread out and search for the
godhead. Wherever it is, *whatever* it is, I want it found and brought to
me."

"Right away, sir," Kasumi said.

"Good luck," Xelloss said, smiling impishly. With a wave, he stepped
backward, disappearing into a portal.

Once he was alone, Jack began to chuckle insanely. "We'll show them, won't
we, Mr. Duck? We'll show them all."

*SQUEEK*

And Kamiversial Jack laughed maniacally.


******


Everyone's favorite succubi, Morrigan and Lilith, moan in unison as the
camera focuses, closing in on their faces. Sweat dripping, eyes closed,
lips covered in saliva and possibly other fluids, the two erotic creatures
cry out in rapture. The camera slowly pulls back, revealing more of the
tableau as the succubi continue to moan enticingly.

Slowly, ever so slowly, we pull back, glimpsing sweaty cleavage, soaked
leotards, arms raised above their bodies holding...shampoo bottles?

Yes, the two succubi indeed seem to be holding bottles of shampoo, letting
the thick cleanser pour slowly down, down onto...

Well, suffice it to say, it was going somewhere Nabiki *really* wished she
could censor right about now.

"Clairol Herbal Essences. A totally organic experience."


******


"Wow, Dan seems pretty intense today," one of the Shotokan disciples
commented.

"He sure does. He's usually determined, but...this is new, even for him."

In the center of the Spirit of Shotokan dojo, Dan practiced his power
taunts. His trial of intestinal stamina had made him stronger, he could
feel it. The fire of success was coursing through his veins, pumping
through his heart...

Pouring through his bowels. He excused himself and beat a hasty retreat to
the toilet.


******


Gourry awoke to pain, dizzinesss, and...

Yotsuya.

"Mr. Gourry," Yotsuya said. "How do you feel, having lost your family
heirloom to the Orochi?"

Gourry blinked. "He...stole my sword?"

"Indeed," Yotsuya replied. "I assume you're going to try to recover it,
yes?"

"Yes," Gourry answered, not sounding entirely sure of himself.

"Is it true, Mr. Gourry," Yotsuya began, "that you intend to form an
opposition camp to hunt down the Orochi?"

Gourry blinked. "Oro?"

"Interesting," Yotsuya commented. "And that would stand for--?"

Ken Masters appeared out of nowhere. "Orochi Resistance Organization," he
proclaimed. "Yes, that's right, Orochi. Hear this. We're coming for YOU."
He clenched a fist dramatically.

Gourry blinked. "Anou..."

Ken leaned down and whispered, "Just play along."

Gourry nodded woozily.

"And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen," Yotsuya concluded smoothly.
"Could the Orochi's reign of terror be nearing an end? Stay tuned, as this
story unfolds, right here on Ultra. Now, back to Hiroshi and Daisuke in the
arena."


******


"Boss! We found it!" James proclaimed, as Team Rocket rushed into the
throne room, carrying a sheet-covered object between them.

Controversial Jack raised his eyebrows. "You found it?" he echoed.

"See for yourself!" Jessie proclaimed, whipping the sheet off their
prize...

Jack's left eye twitched. "You IMBECILES!" he roared. "I said *godhead*,
not *Godzilla head*!" Punting the rubber lizard head across the room, he
glared at his flunkies. "Try harder next time."

"Yes sir!" "We won't fail again, sir!" Team Rocket blasted off again.

Jack shook his head and sighed. "I had to go and pick a crowd of idiots..."

*SQUEEK*

Jack quirked an eyebrow, and smiled. "But you're right, Mr. Duck. It is
amusing to make them run around like chickens with their heads cut off..."
He began to laugh.


******


"Sis, can I have...a...word...oh my."

Kasumi looked up from the coffee maker and smiled. "Why, hello Nabiki! What
can I do for you?"

Nabiki stared at her sister. "Um...sis...what's with..." She made a
gesture.

No, not THAT gesture.

Kasumi blinked. "Oh, you mean..." She blushed.

"Not that it doesn't flatter you or anything," Nabiki remarked, "but
really. It just...it isn't you. You know."

Kasumi nodded. "Hai, I know." She shrugged. "It was Jack-san's idea."

"I...see." Nabiki's eyes narrowed.

"It's harmless, really," Kasumi said. "He does so enjoy silly things like
this, and as long as he's not hurting anybody, I think it's best to play
along." She smiled her winning, angelic smile.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Look, sis...did you know that His
Craziness didn't provide any type of censoring equipment? Every ecchi thing
those succubi did tonight, went out over the airwaves. Do you realize the
kind of hell we're going to catch over that?"

Kasumi sighed. "Oh my. I'll speak to Jack-san about it." She poured a cup
of coffee, and added just the right amount of cream, sugar, and
hallucinogens. "I wish I had more time to talk, but it's time for
Jack-san's coffee break."

"Heaven forbid Jack miss his coffee," Nabiki replied drolly.

Kasumi giggled, and waved. Nabiki shook her head in bewilderment as her
older sister retreated down the hall, high heels clicking on the floor, the
puffy cotton tail of her skimpy Playboy bunny outfit wiggling as she
walked.


******


Zelgadis stared at the motley crew assembled around the ring. *Why do I get
the feeling some sick god is having a laugh at my expense?* Clearing his
throat, he produced a small bowl full of numbers. "Attention! Is everyone
here? Yes? Good. Now, you're all supposed to draw numbers to determine the
order in which you will enter the ring."

He was swarmed by fighters. Within ten seconds, the numbers had all been
taken.

Zelgadis extracted himself from the dogpile. "Definitely someone up there
has it in for me," he grumbled.


******


"AND WE'RE BACK!" Hiroshi shouted. "AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S MAIN
EVENT!" The crowd's cheers amplified.

"We're doing something a bit different tonight," Daisuke said, unaffected
by the enthusiasm.

"That's RIGHT, Daisuke!" Hiroshi cut in. "TONIGHT, we present, for your
sports entertainment enjoyment, the SURVIVAL OF THE TOUGHEST GAMMA RUMBLE!"

"Nine Gamma contenders," Daisuke explained, "Fighting to see who can go the
distance. Three contenders will enter the ring, and as fighters are
eliminated by KO or ringout, more fighters will enter the ring. Once the
last warrior has entered the fray, fighting continues until only one
contender is left."

"AND THAT CONTENDER," Hiroshi yelled, arousing the excitement of the crowd,
"AS MANDATED BY GOD HIMSELF, WILL BE THE NEW GAMMA DIVISION CHAMPION!"

"And as such, will probably be pounded into hamburger when Ranma and Iori
recover from their injuries," Daisuke commented. "And with no further ado,
on with the show..."


******


"Good luck, Dan," Ken said, shaking his fellow Spirit of Shotokan
disciple's hand as they stood ringside.

"Good luck to you as well, Ken," Dan said. "Should you last until my turn
in the ring, you'll need all the luck you can get to stand up to my new
techniques."

Ken raised an eyebrow. "New techniques?" *This should be interesting.*
"Well, we'll see what happens, ne?"


******


Mister Satan stood calmly by one corner of the ring, arms folded, in deep
contemplation.

He was pumped, he was ready, and he was going to fight to the finish. He
had to regain the respect he'd lost. He had to restore his honor.

He just hoped this wasn't going to be too painful.


******


Zelgadis raised a hand, signaling for the crowd to quiet down. "No more
than three fighters allowed in the ring at a time. No assists from outside
the ring, but two-on-one teamups inside the ring are permitted. If you're
thrown out of the ring, and touch the ground, you're out. No reentering the
ring once eliminated.

"Will the first three contenders please enter the ring at this time," he
instructed.

A ladder was flung against the ropes, and Marlo climbed into the ring,
before raising the ladder and waving it at the crowds.

Wolverine somersaulted over the ropes, crouching into a battle stance,
ready for some serious brawlin'.

The crack of a whip announced Sofia's arrival as she stood atop the
turnbuckle, ready to dish out some dominatrix-style punishment.

"Ready...and...BEGIN!" Zelgadis announced, hurrying out of the ring.



][ SURVIVAL OF THE TOUGHEST RUMBLE
][ MARLO SEMAJ vs. WOLVERINE vs. SOFIA vs. GAMBIT vs. KEN MASTERS vs. STONE
COLD DAN HIBIKI vs. SHINGO YABUKI vs. MISTER SATAN vs. JOHNNY CAGE
][ FIGHT!



"You're goin' down, losers!" Marlo attempted to clothesline his opponents
with his ladder. Wolverine rolled under it, and tripped the furniture
warrior with a sweep kick. Sofia's whip snagged the ladder, and flung it
out of the ring. Wasting no time, the leather-clad femme fighter lashed out
with her whip again, catching Wolverine's leg as he recovered from the
sweep, and hurling him into the ropes. The Canadian mutant tucked into a
roll, bouncing off the ropes, using the momentum to hurl himself at Sofia.

As Wolverine crashed into Sofia's midsection, sending her flying, Marlo
pulled several table lamps out of FurnitureSpace and began hurling them at
his opponents.

"Kid, didn't your momma teach ya not to throw furniture in the house?" the
mutant snarled, and turned to deal with Marlo, pushing Sofia halfway
through the ropes. The whip-toting warrior struggled, twisting and turning,
trying to free herself.

Wolverine rolled low, lashing out with his claws at Marlo, who blocked with
a coffee table. He then swung the coffee table, knocking the mutant back
across the ring. Logan crashed into the ropes, incidentally knocking Sofia
out. "HA! That's one! Who's next?" Marlo taunted.


"And Sofia is eliminated," Daisuke reported.


"Look like it be Gambit's turn now," the rougish Cajun said as he jumped
into the ring. He pegged Marlo in the back of the head with his staff,
sending the arrogant table-tosser sprawling onto the mat. Wolverine dug
himself out of the ropes, and grabbed the table Marlo dropped. Grinning
ferally, he slammed Marlo onto the mat with the furniture, then bodyslammed
him, pinning the teenaged, cheap-fighting punk under his own table.

Gambit stood back as Zelgadis leaned into the ring, giving the ten-count.
"...9...10...he's out!" The chimera declared. Wolverine tossed Marlo, table
and all, out of the ring, and dusted his hands off, before turning--

--to take an exploding card in the face. Growling, he turned to the Cajun,
claws unsheathed. "Let's rumble, Remy," he said.

"Fine wit' me, mon ami," Gambit said, twirling his staff. Both X-Men
ignored the entrace of Ken Masters into the ring.

The two mutants fought furiously for several moments, with Ken standing by
on the side, ignored, observing the fight with interest. Finally, Gambit
got a solid hit in with his staff, hooking it under Wolverine's chin and
sending the Canadian flying.

Ken took that opportunity to make his move. "SHORYUKEN!"


"And WOLVERINE is thrown clear of the ring, courtesy of Air Masters!"
Hiroshi shouted.

Wolverine landed on the ground, scorched. He shook his head, and chuckled.
"Damn, knew I forgot somethin'," he mused. Shrugging, he wandered off to
find a good spot from which to watch the fight.


Ken landed in the ring, and was promptly dropped to the mat by Gambit's
staff. Rolling to his feet, he leapt into the air, executing a hurricane
kick which knocked the Cajun across the ring--

--and right into the Mighty Taunting Fist of Dan, which caused actual
damage for perhaps the first time in history, as Gambit was ricocheted back
into Ken's waiting fist.

"SHORYUREPPA!"


"A last-minute save by the mutant, as he uses his staff to stop his fall!"
Hiroshi commented. "And he's back in the ring...wait a minute! What's Dan
doing!?"


Ken watched the other two combatants warily. Well, he watched Gambit
warily. Dan wasn't much of a problem. Dan was...

Dan was...

Dan was glowing. With a flaming orange aura.

That was new.

As Gambit landed in the ring, he was intercepted by one of Dan's wobbly
flying kicks, which knocked him back a few paces. As Dan landed, he began a
taunt. "Prepare to taste the brand new, extra-spicy power that *is* Dan!"
he shouted.

Gambit blinked.

Dan rolled across the ring, and sprang up, gathering a weak fireball.
"SPICY GADOUKEN!" he announced, before launching the wobbly, blue-orange ki
attack at the mutant.

Gambit tossed a charged card at the fireball. "You must be tryin' fool ol'
Gambit," he said.

The card impacted the fireball. The fireball exploded, spraying *real*
flames everywhere.

Ken blinked. That was *definitely* new.

"HA! Witness the power that is Extra-Spicy style Saikyo!" Dan shouted,
pumping a fist.

He ended up eating mat as Gambit sideswiped him.

Gambit ended up eating air as Ken laid into him with a hurricane kick.

As Ken landed, Dan rolled around, and to the surprise of everyone, grabbed
Gambit's staff, and somehow managed to fling the mutant out of the ring.

There was a stunned pause, followed by a round of cheering.


"WOW!" Hiroshi wowed. "DAN is in RARE FORM TONIGHT!"

"In other words, he isn't paste yet," Daisuke added.


"Not bad," Ken admitted, eyebrows raised. "What's gotten into you?"

"A righteous flame burns in my stomach!" Dan replied, crying manly tears
and shaking a fist. He began rolling around again, accidentally missing the
flying kick that marked Shingo Yabuki's entrance into the ring.

A simple midair throw by Ken later, and Shingo Yabuki was back outside the
ring.


"THIS is turning out to be an EXCITING fight, ladies and gentlemen!"
Hiroshi cried.

"It's going a lot more quickly than expected, at any rate," Daisuke added.


Mister Satan cracked his knuckles. It was time. Climbing into the ring, he
surveyed the situation.

Over there, in the red gi, a Shotokan master who could probably kick his
ass in record time.

Over there, Dan. A man he could relate to. A man seeking respect and honor.

A man who was rolling around like an idiot.

Mister Satan waited for Dan to roll close enough, then reached down and
grabbed him, mighty muscles straining from the effort of lifting the
barely-muscled, pink-clad warrior. "Forgive me," he said, before hurling
Dan at Ken.

Ken, who had been in the process of moving in for a dragon punch, was wide
open as the large, manly pink projectile slammed into his midsection,
knocking him across the ring. As Ken smashed into the ropes, Dan bounced
off, flipping through the air. He uncurled, before landing hard on the mat.

Mister Satan stomped across the ring, making a grand show of his
unremarkable power. He approached the dazed Shotokan master, hauled him up
by the front of his gi, and headbutted him. Then, raising the woozy form of
Ken Masters above his head, he leaned over the ropes, and spiked the blond
American like a football.


"AMAZING! Mister Satan has defeated Ken!" Hiroshi enthused. "And NOW, we're
DOWN to the LAST THREE CONTENDERS!"

Johnny Cage leapt into the ring, leaving a trail of JohnnyShadows (tm)
behind him. He stood, eyeing his opponents calmly, before removing his
sunglasses.

"Let's...OW!" he staggered as Dan flipped up off the mat, and drove a Less
Than Mighty Kick into his chest. "OOSHA!" Dan taunted.

Mister Satan charged across the ring, clotheslining both Johnny and Dan.
Both opponents went down. Deciding Dan was the bigger threat, he prepared
to bodyslam him...

Dan rolled out of the way just as Satan leapt. "SPICY KORYUKEN!" Dan
shouted, slamming a glowing orange fist into the mighty muscles of Mister
Satan. The wrestler burst into flames, and was sent flying about a foot
higher into the air than he already was.

"OW!" Dan cried, rubbing his fist. Punching all that muscle had hurt.

"Ow!" Satan cried, clutching his chest. That had stung a bit.

Johnny Cage timed his attack just right, and as Mister Satan descended back
to the mat, he slid across the ring, leaving a trail of shadows as he
delivered his patented Shadow Kick. His foot smashed into the
already-abused pectorals of Satan, and sent him sprawling onto the mat.

Johnny went down about a second later, as Dan rolled right into him in the
middle of a taunt. Dan popped up, blinked, and threw another Spicy
Gadouken, which set Cage on fire. The actor didn't move.


"7...8...9...10. Cage is eliminated," Zelgadis declared.


"THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!" Hiroshi roared into the microphone. "THE SURVIVAL
OF THE TOUGHEST RUMBLE IS DOWN TO THE LAST TWO FIGHTERS!"

"What's unbelievable, is that the last two fighters are Dan and Mister
Satan," Daisuke said, almost impressed. "Who'da thunk?"


Mister Satan stood, massaging his massive chest. "Well," he said.

Dan turned to face him. "Well," he said.

"It's just you and me," Satan said.

"I won't go easy on you," Dan said.

Satan nodded, smiling grimly, and advanced.

Dan crouched, and a pained expression crossed his face. "Now, you will
witness the true power of the Extra-Spicy Saikyo style!" Dan proclaimed,
spinning on his heel, back turned to Mister Satan.
"One...two...three...YAROKAZE!"

An explosive sound filled the Ultradome arena. It was somewhere between a
stuck zipper being pulled underwater, and a shotgun firing.

Silence followed.

Mister Satan doubled over, eyes watering, clutching his nose in agony.
"Good God in Heaven, man!" he wheezed.

Many spectators began to gag.


Hiroshi pinched his nose with one hand, causing his voice to pitch into the
nasal range as he tried to yell into the mike. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT! DAN
UNLEASHES A DEVASTATING NEW ATTACK! WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS THAT POWERFUL
TECHNIQUE!?"

Daisuke wafted a hand in front of his nose. "He farted. Dan just *farted*."

Zelgadis, ringside, stifled a retch. "That does it, I *quit*," he growled.
"I'm not putting up with this kind of nonsense anymore." He stormed out of
the arena.


Dan shook a mighty fist. "TREMBLE BEFORE THE RIGHTEOUS FURY OF DAN!" he
shouted, before rushing forward in a burst of speed, flaming orange aura
blazing brightly. "COMBO PLATTER!" he called out, before laying into Mister
Satan with a dizzying array of punches, kicks, headbutts, buttbutts,
stomachbutts, and other assorted attacks.

Satan, already weakened by the assault on his mighty chest, not to mention
the assault on his olfactory senses, was unable to put up a defense, and
was hit with the full force of Dan's assault. To his credit, he was still
standing when it was over, although he looked to be extremely dazed.

Dan observed his opponent, frowned, and poked him in the forehead with his
index finger. The mighty Mister Satan toppled.

A bell rang.

The crowd went wild.

Dan raised a fist to the heavens, manly tears pouring down his face.
"OYAJIIII!!!"


"AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!" Hiroshi shouted. "THE IMPROBABLE WINNER OF THE
GAMMA RUMBLE, AND NEW GAMMA CHAMPION...STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI!"


The crowd continued to roar as God himself, Controversial Jack, strolled
down the ramp, holding the Gamma belt. Climbing into the ring (and barely
avoiding snagging his hair on the ropes), he grabbed Dan's hand and shook
it firmly. "I have to admit, I'm impressed," the Controversial Kami said.
"Here I thought you were a pathetic weenie boy...guess you showed me!"
Laughing, he pressed the belt into Dan's hand. "Congratulations."

Dan stared down at the belt. Then shook his head. "I can't accept it."

Everyone froze. Jack blinked.

"Hey, you won. Fair and square. It's yours. The big prize, baby. You gotta
be crazy to turn down the big prize."

Dan looked up. "I promised that before I made a title shot, I would win at
least one more match," he proclaimed. "This is the first match I've won
since making that promise. For my honor, I can't accept this belt." Walking
over to Mister Satan, who was sitting up groggily, he offered the hulking
wrestler the belt. "Here, friend, take this. You fought well tonight.
You've earned it."

Mister Satan looked at the belt, then up at Dan. He looked at the belt...

He thought about all the times he had claimed victory when it was not his
to claim.

He thought about fame, glory, and recognition.

He thought about honor and respect.

He looked up into Dan's eyes, saw the honor shining there.

He shook his head. "No. I'm through taking credit for victories that aren't
mine." He offered Dan the belt. "This is yours, by right."

"But..." Dan protested. "I can't. My promise, my honor..."

Jack walked over to the two, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "This is a
problem, wouldn't you say, Mr. Duck?"

*SQUEEK*

"Ah! An excellent idea!" he replied, smacking a fist into his open palm. "I
tell you what, boys..." he began, grinning...well, Jackishly. "Why don't
the two of you have a match next week, and the winner of that match claims
the belt? Will that satisfy your...you know, honor thingies?"

Dan looked to Satan. Satan looked to Dan.

Dan shrugged. "Works for me."

Satan nodded. "I can live with that."

"Then it's decided!" Jack said cheerfully, taking back the Gamma belt.
"I'll hold onto this in the meantime." Waving to the crowd, he walked out
of the arena, whistling a happy tune.


"AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!" Hiroshi yelled. "THE GAMMA CHAMPIONSHIP IS STILL
UP FOR GRABS, AND EITHER OF THESE TWO UNDERDOGS CAN CLAIM THE PRIZE!"

"That's all the time we have for tonight," Daisuke smoothly cut in. "Tune
in next week for more Ultra. Say goodnight, Hiroshi."

"I'm not doing that old gag," Hiroshi said.

Daisuke blinked. "Okay, then, goodnight everybody."


As the 'on-air' light went off, Hiroshi stood. "Well," he announced, "I'm
headed off to...uh..."

"Dude, don't," Daisuke said. "I'm telling you..."

Hiroshi waved a hand dismissively. "It'll be fine, trust me.

Daisuke shrugged. "Good luck, then. I'll see you later."


******


As Jack returned to his office on high, he found Marlo waiting for him,
grinning like an idiot. "I found it, boss!" he proclaimed.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You did?" he asked. "Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure!" Marlo assured. Reaching into FurnitureSpace, he pulled
out..."Tada!"

Jack's eye twitched. Then he composed himself. Smiling, he walked calmly
over to Marlo. "My dear, dear boy," he said.

"Yes, boss?" Marlo replied, looking up, knowing he'd done a good job.

Jack picked the runty furniture warrior up by the neck. "*Godhead*, not
*gold bed*. Got it?"

"Got it," Marlo squeaked.

"Good," Jack said, setting him down. Pausing, he added, "Keep that on hand,
though. The succubi might want it, or something."

Marlo nodded, saluted, and walked out of the office.

Jack sighed. Good help was so hard to find...


******


As Daisuke wandered down the corridors of the Ultradome, he heard a
commotion coming from the direction of the infirmary. Having nothing better
to do at the moment, he decided to investigate.

The commotion seemed to be coming from one of the recovery rooms. He read
the nametag on the door: "Asuka Langley Souryuu". Blinking, he knocked on
the door. "Excuse me?" he asked.

Nothing but screaming and breakage could be heard from within.

*I should just turn and walk away,* Daisuke rationalized. *Violence is not
my thing. And I could do without another headache.*

Something, however, made him reconsider. Hesitantly, he opened the door...

And took a book to the face for his trouble.


******


Hiroshi whistled as he strolled through the Ultradome, in the direction of
the dressing rooms. He was calm, cool, and collected.

He was nervous as hell. That Ayanami girl was damned hot.

*Focus, Hiroshi, focus,* he chided himself. Approaching the Omega dressing
rooms, he quickly located the door bearing the name of the newest Eva pilot
to enter Ultra, and knocked.

"yes?" a voice answered from the other side.

"Ayanami-san?" Hiroshi asked. "Can I come in?"

"yes."

Hiroshi opened the door, and walked in. He found Rei sitting in a chair,
dressed in a school uniform, reading a notebook. "I...um...just wanted to
congratulate you on your win tonight," he said.

"thank you," the blue-haired girl replied, not looking up.

A nervous silence ensued. Nervous for Hiroshi, anyway. "I'm Hiroshi, by the
way," he said by way of introduction.

Rei looked up briefly. "i know," she said. "i have seen you on the show."

Hiroshi laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "Right," he said.
"Say...uh...whatcha doin', anyway?"

"i am memorizing this notebook," Rei said. "commander ikari told me it was
required in order to compete here."

Hiroshi blinked. "First I've heard of it," he said. "May I take a look?"

Rei paused. "i suppose,"  she said, passing Hiroshi the notebook. He
thumbed through it, skimming, and blinking.

"This is..." he paused in contemplation, skimming a few more pages to be
certain. "This is nothing but trash-talk," he said.

"yes," Rei replied.

"And your commander wants you to memorize this?"

"he says it is expected by the fans," Rei offered by way of explanation.

Hiroshi considered that. "So...that's what was going on tonight, with the
bubblegum and all."

"yes."

Hiroshi rubbed his chin. "You know," he said, handing the notebook back to
Rei, "it's not just about talking trash. It's about working the crowd."

Rei blinked. "i do not understand," she replied.

Hiroshi made several incomprehensible hand gestures. "Well, it's...you
know. Presentation. Mood. Voice. Excitement. Adrenaline. Getting hyper.
It's...you know."

"no, i do not know."

Hiroshi sweatdropped. "It's what I do every week, when I'm not dead or
something."

Rei paused. Understanding began to dawn. "oh."

Hiroshi saw an opening. "You know, I could help you, if you like. Give you
a few pointers."

Rei considered this for a moment. The commander was counting on her, and
she had to do her best. If there was a chance this could improve her
performance, and please the commander...

"Say, over dinner?" Hiroshi prompted.

Rei looked up. "yes," she agreed.

Hiroshi nearly fell over. As it was, he tried not to lose his composure.
Calm was the key. "Cool," he said. "Meet you in the cafeteria in an hour?"

"i will be there," Rei affirmed.

"Cool. Seeya." Hiroshi left the dressing room, and walked down the hall.

Five minutes later, the various Ultra fighters in their dressing rooms
blinked in confusion as a resounding "YEESSS!!" rang through the Ultradome.


******


Jack looked up as Team Rocket walked into his office. "I hope you got it
right this time."

"We sure did, boss!" James held up a paper sack, and removed its contents
for inspection.

Thirty seconds later, James and Jessie found themselves ejected forcibly
from the office of God. "GOD HEAD! *GOD* *HEAD*! Not HEAD CHEESE!"

Team Rocket scampered away.

Jack considered hurling the head cheese after them. Frowned. Reconsidered.

It was some damned nice head cheese. "Ah well, better than nothing," he
decided.


******


The Orochi clutched his side in agony as he returned to his new base of
operations. He glanced around at the familiar surroundings; ring, screens,
chairs, tables, miscellaneous equipment.

The old Ultradome, buried deep beneath the Earth's surface.

A black disk appeared in the air, disgorging Yashiro and Shermie. "Hey,
boss, you don't look so good," Yashiro said.

Orochi looked up. "Bring the girl to me," he ordered. "Immediately."

"Sure thing, boss," Yashiro said. As the two Disciples of the Void wandered
off to retrieve the prisoner, the Orochi sank into a chair, clutching his
wound with one hand, and examining the extinguished Sword of Light which he
held in the other. "This may prove useful," he decided.


******


"I got it this time, boss! I know I do!" Marlo said as he walked into
Jack's office.

Jack sighed. "I hope so. I really do. I'm getting fed up with this."

"You're gonna love it, trust me." Marlo reached into FurnitureSpace, and
produced...

A small, shiny golden toilet.

Jack blinked.

Marlo beamed. "Pretty neat, huh?"

Jack stared. Then he began to laugh. It wasn't a nice laugh. It wasn't a
sane laugh. It wasn't even a typical Jack laugh.

It was the laugh of someone who was quickly reaching their limits.

"A...gold...head. Ooooookay." He examined the object. "What the hell kind
of STUPID idiot makes a toilet out of gold? And it's too damned small! And
it doesn't even have a flush lever!"

"So...you don't like it?"

"Pay attention," Jack said. "God. Head. Not Gold Head. Not Gold Bed. Not
Head Cheese. GOD. HEAD." He waved dismissively. "Get rid of that ridiculous
thing. Throw it away, sell it, throw it at somebody, take a piss in it, I
don't care. Get it out of my sight."

"Okay, boss," Marlo said dejectedly, as he left the office. What a
shame...it was such a cute little toilet, too...

Shrugging, he tossed the inoffensive potty into FurnitureSpace, never
noticing that as he did so, it gleamed brilliantly as it caught the light.
Which wouldn't be unusual, except that he hadn't been walking under a
light...



][ ULTRA EPISODE #22 RECAP:

][ BEAN/TIFA defeat CLAN AENSLAND, retain Lambda division title; now 4W/1L
][ CHIHUAHUAS invade the Ultradome
][ DAN quieros Taco Bell
][ OROCHI defeats POWERPUFF GIRLS, no status change
][ MEGAMAN to be modified by WASHUU
][ IORI YAGAMI and RANMA SAOTOME draw, no status change
][ GAMMA BELT is declared up for grabs
][ OROCHI's host revealed
][ OROCHI defeats GOURRY GABRIEV, steals SWORD OF LIGHT, disappears, no
status change
][ REI AYANAMI enters Omega division
][ REI AYANAMI defeats SEPHIROTH, now 1W/0L
][ DAN wins SURVIVAL RUMBLE, now 4W/7L
][ DAN refuses GAMMA BELT, offers to MISTER SATAN
][ MISTER SATAN refuses GAMMA BELT
][ DAN and MISTER SATAN to contend for GAMMA BELT at a later date
][ Next scheduled author: Geoffrey Tebbetts


Author's Notes:

Whew! This took a while. But it was fun. ^_^ I think I'll be content to
stick to reading Ultra instead of writing it for a while, though.

I'd like to thank Twoflower for having me aboard, and for putting up with
my insane, sleep-deprived rantings about various weird, strange, bizarre
plot ideas. Not to mention for starting Ultra, which I've enjoyed ever
since it began. ^_^

Okay, mindless rambling time, and a few points to note, mainly directed at
future authors:

ORO: This isn't a stable. It's intended to be a plot hook, a way for
characters who have a beef with Orochi to band together.

Rei's unusual speech pattern: Those aren't typos or capitalization
mistakes, people. I don't make mistakes like that, in that frequency. It's
deliberate, intended to be an artistic interpretation  of her quiet,
monotone voice. If future authors don't like it, they don't have to use it,
but it'd be nice. ^_^

The video wall thingy: Another thing you don't necessarily have to use. I
just threw that in for the hell of it.

The search for the godhead: Drag it out, folks. This is supposed to be an
ongoing plot throughout the third season. I know a lot of folks were
expecting to see Xelloss playing hide and go seek with Jack. Tough shit.
Expect the unexpected. But the godhead is still lost...or it is? Only time
will tell...

Dan/Satan: Don't bitch about Satan not being eligible for a title shot; 2f
suggested having Dan give Satan the belt, and I took it from there to the
next logical step.

The chihuahuas: Just don't ask.

Other plot angles: I tried to bring some semblance of closure to the
Tifa-angsting-over-Cloud thing, because that's dragged on for too long.
I've also set up a few fun little sideplots that can be developed by future
authors; hopefully, something I started here will be continued later. Also,
I continued some of the lingering plots from URBeta, just for the hell of
it. Better than leaving them untouched.

My characterization of Jack: Just my interpretation of how he'd act in the
given situation; I think he'd be more of a trickster, prankish,
toy-with-everyone God than an evil force of death and destruction, as many
people seem to picture him as. You don't like it, tough pecker. You write
it your way, I'll write it mine.

If I screwed up any characterizations, any moves, and so forth, well, these
things happen. I was working with limited information for some of these
folks.

Oh, and in case you didn't realize it, Dan's newfound Taco Bell martial
arts were supposed to be a *joke*, people. ^_^

-Lurker