There is a time and place for everything.
And the time and place for Sex & Violence was "in my office
*right now*, you monkey flakes" according to Controversial Jack.
Jack stood with he back to the rank and file of Sex & Violence,
looking out of the window that dominated the back wall of his office.
He really liked the window, which instead of showing the skyline of
Heaven, as it had when this was Kasumi's office, now showed whirling
flows of matter. Fire, earth, water, and air flowed together at
random, occasional chunks of torn up landscape drifted through the
chaos-stuff. For time to time, giant rainbow-colored frogs would
note the window and attempt to attack, eat, paint on, mate with, or
some combination thereof with the window.
Limbo, plane of Chaos embodied. Jack really liked the view.
Not that this helped, or really had much to do with, the members
of Sex and Violence. Jack turned and brandished Mr. Duck at them.
"SQUEAK!"
"Damn right, Mr. Duck. What the hell is wrong with you people?,"
Jack seethed. "We get the keys to the castle, the combo to the safe,
the lockpicks to the chastity belt, and you meatheads fritter it
away! We go and cut out the deadwood, and still I get a team that's
about as useful as tits on a bull! What do you have to say for
yourselves?"
There was a chorus of mumbling and please-don't-call-on-me shifting
away of eyes.
Jack stalked over to poke his finger against Marlo's head. "Some
ass-kicking machine you turn out to be. You redeem yourself at little
by smacking that simp Saotome around, and then what? You lose. To
that fake wannabe, Mr. Satan. And then you let Saotome punk you."
Marlo tried to inject. "But--"
"Stow it." Jack turned to Lilith. "And what happened to wanting
the hardcore belt? You just dropped off the map last week. Where
the hell were you?"
Lilith sulked, replying, "Was at the Bishounen Boyz concert. I thought
eating their souls would be fun."
"Oh, OK then," said Jack, digesting that. "Good girl. Killing off
teen idols is a controversial thing to do." He tossled her hair fondly.
"Just go take care of Hiroshi tonight."
"Yes, Jack," Lilith smiled, trying to rearrange her hair.
Moving on, Jack faced Team Rocket next. "Ah! The quitters. Thank
you for practically throwing your last fight. The blind kid knocks
out your lizard, and you throw in the towel. Pathetic!"
"It was the referee's fault!," Jesse exclaimed indignantly. James and
Meowth nodded vigorously in agreement.
"DID I ASK OF ANY OF YOUR LAME EXCUSES!?"
"We're sorry, boss!"
"It'll never happen again!"
"It better not. I don't pay you to be big crybabies." Jack stalked
back toward his desk and plopped down in his executive swivel chair.
Just as he was about to launch into spinning about like a loon,
Morrigan spoke.
"It's not like you've been a great inspiration lately."
Surprised, Jack lost control of his spin, tipping his chair over,
falling and landing on his butt. "What did you say?"
"Oh, come on, Jack," said Morrigan, in bored tones. "You were going
to become the CEO of Ultra, turning this place on it's ear, out McMahoning
McMahon, in a reign of chaos and etcetera. So far, you've barely drummed
up a little drizzle." She shrugged and went back to paging through a
catalog of marital aids.
Jack sat for a moment blinking. Then, he picked himself up off the
floor, and posed a question to any spikey-haired mad godling's favorite
consultant, Mr. Duck.
"Mr. Duck, what do you think? Is Morrigan right, and I've been a
namby-pamby wishy-washy limp-wristed evil heel bastard CEO? Or should I
just feed her to the next frog-thing that tries to eat my window?"
"Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!," replied Mr. Duck.
"Ah. I see." Jack smiled. "Morrigan, looks like you were right," said
Jack as he pulled an overflowing wastepaper basket out from under his desk.
He dumped in front of his lackies, producing a mound of crumpled paper-work.
"These are petitions from Cage and Sofia challenging you guys. Up until
now, I've just ignored the losers. Tonight, I want you," grinned Jack,
stabbing a finger at Marlo, "and the rest of you, to smack these two around
like a red-headed stepchild that's going out of style."
Jack's grin grew nastier. "I'll arrange some more cheating, violent,
sexy, creamy goodness for tonight. Oh yeah, Jack's back in the groove."
* * *
NERV was a hive of activity.
There were the drones busily making honey, or at least dealing with LCL.
There were the soldiers who were ...well, the soldiers. There were the larvae
who might be the Children, although Asuka would insist on being the queen,
and larvae tend not to use giant bio-mechanical Angels to defend their hives.
But, despite the poor quality of the analogy, Commander Gendo Ikari was the
queen bee of the NERV hive. Which sounds weird and isn't that accurate, but
gives the general idea.
At the moment, Gendo was sitting in the command center, issuing a futile
command.
"Try it again, Lt. Ibuki."
*click*
*...clickclickclick*
"It doesn't work, sir!" You could always count on her say it with gusto.
Gendo nodded curtly, and returned to staring to the shut-off notice the
power company had sent. Non-payment of debt for sevices rendered. Shut-off
effective immediately. Debts turned over to collection agency.
So, of course having Maya flip the light switch a couple more times wasn't
going to make the power come back on.
NERV had been forced to operate with no power before, and they could do it
again. Last time, it had been in the middle of an Angel attack. This time,
they were at war with Heaven itself.
Gendo just wished the air conditioning was working, though. In a couple more
hours, the command center was going to smell like a slaughterhouse.
"Fuyutsuki, I'll be in my office."
Gendo, after climbing the 20 flights of stairs, entered his office and began
sifting through the paperwork on his desk by flashlight. With NERV's cash
flow dangerously low for some time now, he had been courting a variety of
media and endorsement deals. It hadn't been enough to keep the power from
being shut off. They'd laid off all the nameless extras, and the idea of
auctioning off equipment was not going to sit well with SEELE. After all,
they had a war to fight and wars don't get won without weapons.
He was half-way through filling out a contract to have Misato and Ritsuko do
some filming for Spice TV, when a figure appeared in the chamber.
"You don't have to do that, you know."
"You have a proposition?"
"Of course."
"Explain," Gendo commanded, placing his hands in front of his mouth.
"My organization has the money you require to continue operating, so that
you may oppose Heaven itself and continue your project. What I suggest is
an alliance. You put your war machines at my disposal from time to time,
and I will fund your war. This arrangement should be beneficial to both
sides."
Gendo looked at the contract he had been signing. Looked at the electric
bill. Looked at the number of zeroes on it. Looked back to the man on the
other end of the room.
"Yes. I believe this arrangement will work nicely."
* * *
It was a beautiful day it the neighborhood.
Specifically, it was a beautiful day in the neighborhood of the Masaki
residence. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Ryoko and Ayeka
had finished the day's quota of property damage, and most importantly,
Mihoshi was on patrol with Kiyone, somewhere in the vicinity of Saturn.
Washuu was pleased. Nothing could ruin this day. Especially given the guest
that had shown up. She handed her guest a cup of tea.
"So, I'm reinstated?"
Belldandy took a sip of tea, and smiled. "Of course, Washuu-chan. Jack
wrote the invitation himself," she explained, gesturing to the eye-gougingly
chartause letter Washuu held. SHe sipped her tea again. "Kasumi is very
pleased that you're coming back, you know. I think she's got a lot of
faith in you."
Washuu nodded, "Lessons were learned." She paused, took a sip of her tea.
"So, Ifurita and Gally are going to be on tonight as well, eh?"
"Oh, yes. Jack seem quite pleased to be having the Cybergrrlz back on the show."
"Excellent," Washuu stated confidently. "We're going to kick ass and take names
tonight, or I'm not Washuu-chan, the Number One Genius Scientist in the
Universe!"
"See? Tonight will be plenty of good, wholesome fun!"
* * *
LIVE!
FROM THE ULTRADOME!
THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
AND IMPROFANFIC!
IT'S TIME FOR...
{ M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R }
{ F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N }
{ .-----------. }
{ | U-L-T-R-A | }
{ `-----------' }
{ http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic }
Episode 26 : Things Can Always Get Worse
Written by Anonymous
* * *
The crowd in the UltraDome was loud. This was an established fact.
Loudness had been the defining characteristic of Ultra's fans for
twenty-six weeks, and would continue to be the defining characteristic for
a long time to come. Noise was produced that broke physical laws, thumbed
its nose at the cops, and sped off into the distance leaving a wake of
bleeding eardrums and exploding poodles.
Really damn loud was the order of the evening.
"ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ULLLLLLLLTRA-VIOLENCE!!! Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we've got one hell of a show for you tonight!," Hiroshi enthused.
Tonight, he was again decked out in shades, khaki shorts, and a blue hawaiian
shirt. "Not just one hell of a show, but quite possibly the biggest
collection of shameless mayhem in the history of broadcasting! It's so
unbelievable and white-knuckle exciting that my brain would combust, if it
weren't the fact that we can't get clones any more!"
"On tonight's card, we've got a GRUDGE match between Sex & Violence, and
former allies Johnny Cage and Sofia, a new team in the Lambda division, and
an Omega Gauntlet Match," read Daisuke. Tonight, he once again wore a tux,
complete with a bowtie decorated with the image of Mr. Duck. "And as you
may have guessed, tonight Hiroshi goes once more to defend the Hardcore
Belt and probably get his butt kicked by Lilith."
"Hey! What happened to being supportive?"
Daisuke shrugged. "I prefer realistic over supportive."
"Gee, thanks."
"Anyhow, let's get this thing started," Daisuke said as he lightly shoved
Hiroshi toward the ring.
* * *
Backstage, Lilith bounced in place, excited. "I'm going to show that silly
Hiro-kun what hardcore's all about!"
"I'm sure you will, kid."
Lilith turned to see Wolverine leaning against the wall. He flicked a bit of
ash from his cigar, adding, "Tell you what. You win this thing, and next week,
we'll see if you've got the skills to keep it." Wolverine grinned. "You and
me and no-one else. How's that sound?"
"Naughty Wolvie-kun! You aren't getting your belt from me, silly puppy."
Wolverine gave a thumbs-up and grinned. "Good job, kid. We'll tango next
week." Lilith's intro music came on. "Go get yerself a belt."
Lilith skipped out, ready to maim herself an announcer.
* * *
Hiroshi was in the ring when Lilith fluttered out from behind the curtains.
The crowd cheered ready to see the battle of charismatic announcer and lolicon
sex fiend.
][ FIGHT #1
][ HARDCORE TITLE DEFENSE
][ HIROSHI VS. LILITH AENSLAND
][ FIGHT!!
"Hieee, Hiro-kun! Ready to give me the belt?," chirped Lilith, as she touched
down in the ring.
"Nope. Not happening. Sorry." Hiroshi shook his head. "I may not be a
fighter, but there's no way I'm going to just roll over and die when someone
tells me to."
"Come on, Hiro-kun," said the li'lest succubi. "Stuff like chivilry and fair
play are so silly!" Lilith looked at Hiroshi sultrily, and began running her
hands over her curves. Her voice dipped, becoming huskier. "We can do anything
you like later. Any dark, secret dream you have, I'll fulfill it. Who do you
dream about, Hiro-kun? I can be your Rei dolly..." There was a piffle of
smoke and some sparklies. Lilith posed coyly, now blue-haired, her leotard
transmuted into a skin-tight red and purple plug suit.
Hiroshi's eyes bulged. "..." he stated.
"Lilith seems to be using classic succubus tactics, folks," Daisuke noted from
ringside.
"So, whadda ya say? Come on, it'll be good, sweaty fun," Lilith giggled "Just
hand me the belt."
"Ah... um... Look a three-headed tentacle oni!" shouted Hiroshi, executing the
oldest-trick-in-the-book desperation ploy, as he pointed toward the TitanTron.
"Wai! Where, where?" Lilith scanned the arena for the alleged new plaything.
Ducking out of the ring, Hiroshi snagged a folding chair from behind the
announcer's table. Quickly scurrying back to the ring, he wound up a mighty
swing and clocked Lilith with the metal chair, knocking her out with a sharp
crack of metal hitting lolicon demon skull and winning the match handily...
which might have happened if Hiroshi had had any kind of skill at fighting,
whatsoever.
Instead, Hiroshi swung the chair, hitting Lilith in the back of the head with
all the force of a rolled-up newspaper. Other than clueing Lilith in to the
fact the Hiroshi had tricked her, this little effect.
"But it worked at Ultra Rage Beta..."
Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Once more, Hiroshi displays a tenuous grip on the
difference between reality and sports entertainment."
"That was very naughty, Hiro-kun," scolded Lilith, waving a finger tsk-tsk at
him. A wing snaked out, batting the chair out of Hiroshi's hands, and into
the audience where a fight over who got to keep it ensued. "You should leave
that kind of thing to the professionals."
"That's what I keep telling him, but does he listen? No...," Daisuke put in.
"Daisuke, you aren't helping!" Hiroshi ducked and launched in to full
'save my hide' mode as a series of knife-edge wing blows were thrown his way.
Scrambling toward the far side of the ring, Hiroshi looked for a weapon.
Nothing presented itself.
"Ne, Hiroshi, be good and give up," called Lilith, advancing on Hiroshi.
"Unless you're in to pain. That's fun too. Let's play." Lilith grinned.
Piffling out of her Rei imitation, she rushed at Hiroshi, her wings splitting off
masses of barbed tentrils that lashed around Hiroshi's limbs. Hiroshi in tow,
Lilith flapped her wings, and rose above the ring.
Drawing the tentril-wrapped Hiroshi close, Lilith tilted his chin to look at her.
"Aw... Hiro-kun, you look--" Lilith licked her lips and pressed even more closely
against him. "--so tasty."
Hiroshi whimpered.
Tendrils wrapped behind Hiroshi's head, shoving him forward. Lilith locked
him in a kiss. A pulse-thumping-spell-binding-stick-your-tongue-down-his-throat-
gonna-have-to-change-your-shorts-afterwards kiss to suck out souls and have them
for dinner with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.
"Whoa." Daisuke wiped a trickle of blood from his nose as he watched the mid-air
spectacle.
Hiroshi, however, was trying not to die. With his arms and legs pinned, he went
with the best option he had at the moment.
He bit Lilith's tongue. Hard.
Instantly, the restraining tendrils disappeared, as Lilith squealed in displeasure.
"'Ou pik!," she shouted, as blood oozed from under the hand covering her mouth.
Nothing holding him up, Hiroshi fell, hitting the mat with a heavy thud.
Daisuke quickly came to his partner's aid. Kneeling, he shook Hiroshi's shoulder
and asked, "Hiroshi? You OK?"
Hiroshi's eyes stayed closed. "Go 'way, mom. 'M sleeping..."
Daisuke stood. Picking up the Hardcore belt from the announcers table, he tossed
it toward Lilith.
"Lilith wins. Take the stupid thing."
"'Ai! ...Owie." The crowd responded with mixed cheers and boos as Lilith
disappeared back-stage with her new belt.
"Well, that was unpleasant. As soon as we get Hiroshi taken care of," Daisuke
announced, gesturing to the medical techs who were loading Hiroshi on to a stretcher.
"And hopefully get a co-announcer out here, we'll head on to the next match."
* * *
Grey City. Home of heroes, home of villians. Possessor of the ugliest architecture
this side of that other city, you know, the one with the bat.
Two new super powered figures travelled the streets of Grey City tonight. Pausing
under a street lamp, there was a discussion.
"Are you sure this the right place?"
"OHOHOHO! Of course it is," said Naga. "The radar does not lie."
Darshu winced. "Yeah, yeah. Just checking-"
"Excuse me?"
Naga and Darshu turned to regard the person interupting their conversation. She
had long brown hair and wore a pink dress and red jacket, as well as having
luminescent white wings.
"Miss Lina said to say hello," offered Aeris.
The mages blinked at that, complete with little 'pika, pika' noises.
"Anyway, Dark Schneider-san, I've been asked to give you this," said Aeris. She
held out to Darshu a letter, mango print on puce paper. Darshu snatched it away,
and quickly read it.
Crumbling into a ball, Darshu tossed it over his shoulder. "Well, crap."
"Why, what's wrong, Darshu?," queried Naga, quirking an eyebrow.
"I'm scheduled to fight tonight." Darshu paused. "Can you take care of find this
Dragonball by youself?"
"Of course! Naga the White Serpent, your most powerful and beautiful companion and
ally, shall prevail," Naga declared. She let go with a particularly confident laugh.
"OHOHOHOHO!"
"Just don't let Arshes hear you say that," Darshu muttered. Addressing Aeris, he
said, "Alright, let's get going, kid."
A portal opened, taking the two back to the UltraDome. Darshu was just happy to get
away from that damn laugh.
* * *
"OK folks, Hiroshi's being taken care of, and we're set for the next match,"
announced Daisuke. "Let's welcome our special guest announcer, Karin Kanzuki. You
may remember Karin from Ultra Rage Alpha, where she faced off against Haohmaru."
There was a modest amount of cheering from the audience.
"Ohohoho! Thank you, Daisuke," Karin replied. "I'm glad to be back. Since
Alpha, I've been taking a keen interest in Ultra, and am looking forward to
closer participation in the future!"
"Thrilling," Daisuke said sarcastically. "And, now we present for you the viewing
public, a special GRUDGE Tornado Match. From Sex & Violence, Marlo Semaj, The
Furnityre Savior, and Morrigan Aensland."
The giant five second countdown started, fireworks burst, Marlo's Kid Rock theme
music blared, and the Sex & Violence duo marched down the ramp. Morrigan clung
pneumatically to Marlo's side, looking like a fox left to guard the chickens.
Marlo wished Jack hadn't told her to do that. A heavy round of jeers kicked up,
as they approached the ring.
Reaching the ring, Marlo produced a mike stand complete with microphone. "Listen
up, chumps! It seems people haven't gotten the message of just who's boss around
here. Well, tonight, by decree of MY GOD AND YOURS, Controversial Jack, Morrigan
and I are gonna give little object lesson. It seems that some people think they
know better than God Himself. That some people want to go toe to toe with Sex &
Violence. That some people haven't realized that Marlo Semaj is here to SAVE
ULTRA. But, some dumb asses persist in challenging us. So, tonight, for the
entertainment and edification of the unwashed sports entertainment masses, we're
gonna take that challenge and now, Sex & Violence is here to show just what
happens when you go toe to toe with us. Soooooo... bring out the victims!"
"Does he always rant like that?," Karin asked.
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Horrible little peasant boy."
'Whip It' burst over the sound system, followed by a pop of fireworks.
"And tonight's challengers, I'd like to know what they were thinking, Johnny Cage
and Sofia," announced Daisuke, as the Sex & Violence cast offs entered the arena.
Karin looked up from the stat sheet Daisuke had provided. "Between the two of
them, Sofia and Cage have a single win. And that, only because they fought
each other! Ohohohoho!," Karin laughed. "How pathetic!"
Cage and Sofia exchanged a look. They nodded, Sofia snapping her whip, and
charged the ring.
][ FIGHT #2
][ TORNADO GRUDGE MATCH
][ SOFIA/JOHNNY CAGE VS. MARLO SEMAJ/MORRIGAN AENSLAND
][ FIGHT!!
Cage launched himself at Marlo, trailing JohnnyShadows, with a kick that Marlo
blocked with a bookshelf. Marlo spun the shelf, slashing at Cage. Cage dodged,
backpedalling with each swing.
"Ha! You're going *down*, little man!," Marlo taunted. He swiped the bookcase
one last time, before chucking it at Cage. As Cage ducked the projectile,
Marlo belted him in the face with a loveseat.
"Loser!"
Cage snaked out a foot, snagging Marlo's leg, and sending the younger fighter
off balance. He followed up with a punch to the face that knocked Marlo sprawling.
"Loser?," he asked. "Nah, I think loser would be playing flunky to a scrawny
little psycho. We're going to fight to earn a little dignity and respect around
here, not for Jack's sorry whims."
"It seems that, like their subatage of Marlo's interferance in Dan and Satan's
lumberjack match, Johnny and Sofia are continuing to work to their own ends in
this match," Daisuke stated for the audience.
While Johnny Cage delivered his little speech, Sofia and Morrigan were locked
in battle. Or at least Sofia was. Again, she unleashed a flurry of whip strikes
against Morrigan, tagging her several times and leaving painful looking red welts.
Morrigan got down on her hands and knees, arching her back toward Sofia. "Oooh,
my queen, more! Give me more!"
Sofia sweatdropped. "Um, da, call me queen..." The leather-clad fighter
cracked her whip again, lashing Morrigan's back.
Morrigan just ooh-yes-yes-mored some more.
"That's sick," Daisuke noted.
"Just like a pair of street trollops," Karin agreed, wrinkling her nose in digust.
Johnny took note of Sofia and Morrigan from where he was trying to fend off a
string of loveseat jabs.
"Hey! Stop that!," he yelled, distracted. Marlo took the opportunity to knock
Cage into the turnbuckle.
"Who asked you?" Morrigan stood, looking irritated. "SOUL FIST!" A bat-shaped
fireball hit Cage in the chest. Cage wobbled, slumping against the turnbuckle.
Marlo and Morrigan advanced on him.
"Cage is really taking a beating so far, Daisuke," Karin noted.
"Where as Sofia's had easy going," said Daisuke. "Let's hope she can keep those
two off Cage."
In the ring, Sofia flicked her whip twice, snapping it millimeters away for
Morrigan and Marlo's faces.
"AURORA REVOLUTION!"
Sofia released a ring of burning ki, which slammed into Morrigan and Marlo.
"Ohohohohoho!," Sofia cackled. "You think you can beat us that easily?"
Marlo and Morrigan exchanged a look.
"Yes," Marlo smirked. "We do." Looking out to the audience, he gave a sharp
whistle.
"Prepare for trouble!"
"Make it double!"
Team Rocket rose from where they had hidden themselves in the second row. Spiffy
white uniforms shining, they chucked a pokeball into the ring.
"Likitung, go!"
"Meowth, go!"
"No way!"
While Jesse and James played 'stomp the Meowth,' the other pokemon clambered
into the ring. Cage, having steadied himself, faced his opponents.
"And Team Rocket fields Lickitung in a particularly blatant cheat," Daisuke said.
"Do they think this will work better than last time?"
"Team Rocket isn't exactly note for learning from past mistakes," Karin
responded. "But still, that is a particularly blatant cheat. Why isn't there
a referee out there?"
"Jack fired our only Gamma and Lambda ref at the beginning of the season."
Meanwhile, Marlo was dueling Cage again, using a flag stand with a pointy metal
tip as spear and a chalkboard as a shield. Cage's chops, punches and kicks bounced
harmlessly off the blackboard. Marlo's jabs were dodged and blocked.
Meanwhile, Morrigan had commandered the pokemon. Leaning down, she whispered in
the lizard's ear.
"Lickitung, attack her...there."
Lickitung's gaze followed where Morrigan pointed. "Lick!," it chirped
enthusiastically. Sofia snapped her whip, determined not to let it near her.
Marlo manged to tag Cage, giving a nasty cut across the shoulder. Cage backed off,
green fire gathering around his fist. Marlo, not being a complete idiot, hid behind
his blackboard shield.
"SPECIAL ATTACK THAT DOESN'T HAVE A NAME!"
The bolt of green flame smashed a hole in the blakcboard, hitting Marlo in the
chest. Marlo stumbled backwards, losing his weapons.
"Cage! Help me here!," yelled Sofia, from where the Lickitung was busily eating
her whip. Slurping down the leather treat, it looked at Sofia. "Tung!," it said,
extending said body part.
Cage punted the offending reptile into the rafters, where security would have to
remove it after the show.
"Oh, that's no fun." Morrigan shrugged, to the keen interest of the male audience.
"Marlo dear, hit her for me, would you?"
A refridgerator clocked Sofia in the head, as Morrigan grabbed Cage, applying a
nasty piledriver. Neither of them got up for the ten-count, opting to stay put
and groan in pain.
"Ouch. Johnny Cage and Sofia are both down for the count," Daisuke supplied.
"Marlo and Morrigan win."
"That was one-sided," Karin noted. "Still, winning is everything."
"That's right, missy!," Marlo shouted into a mike from the ring. A chorus of
boos greeted his words. "Winning is everything. And Sex & Violence is going to
win it all! And if you don't believe that, you can get in line and get to the
bottom of the heap. Just like these clowns." Morrigan gave Cage a kick to the
ribs to illustrate Marlo's point.
While Marlo spoke, the audience's jeers redoubled, in response to a new figure
stalking down the ramp. Ranma Saotome entered the arena bearing a grudge. And
a baseball bat.
Marlo was too busy lambasting the crowd to notice. "So, prepare yourself for
the reign of Sex & Violence and Marlo Semaj, the Furnityre Sav--" His rant was
interrupted by a blow to the back from Ranma's bat. A second blow drove Marlo
his knees. On the third blow, the wooden bat splintered, the upper half snapping
and spinning away, while Marlo collapsed to the mat.
"Ranma just took Marlo down with a baseball bat! And only a week after beating
him to a pulp with a steel chair."
"Now, Daisuke. If he's going to defeat that awful peasant boy, I have no problems
with that. One does what it takes to win."
"That's cold."
As Marlo lay in a private world of pain, Ranma turned back to the ramp. "If
anyone's going to win it all, it'll be me. Even if I have to take down Jack
himself," said Ranma. Having said what he needed to say, Ranma disappeared
backstage.
In the ring, Morrigan yawned, shrugged, and helped Marlo to his feet. They
exited, stage left, marlo cursing voiciferously.
"...ooooookay," Daisuke said. "Moving right along, our next match is an Omega
match, and will be taking place in the Outlands, formerly the Concordant Opposition.
The combatants for this match are a pair we haven't seen much this season," he
explained. "Washuu, who was suspended just prior to Ultra Rage Beta, has been
reinstated and will be taking part in our next fight."
"Our other participant is the dark sorceror Dark Schneider," added Karin. "He's
been questing this season, but will be making a special appearance tonight!"
"I'm sure our female viewing audience is thrilled."
Karin scowled, giving Daisuke the evil eye. "No one wants to hear your
ignorant opinions, Daisuke."
"Um. Right. And now to the fight..."
* * *
The plain stretched out endlessly, green fields dotted with clumps of trees and
jutting stones. In the distance, an infinitely tall spire rise from the center
of the land. At the spire's peak, barely visable, a ring floated. The fact that
the spire was visibly infinite in length, yet one could still clearly see the
terminus made one's brain hurt.
Dark Schneider, currently ensconced in the shade of a lone tree, thought it was
incredibly dull. Geez, you'd think that a plane of ultimate reality would have more
demons. Or beautiful girls.
Across the field, a gate disgorged his opponent. A small figure with spiky red hair
stood, and addressed Schneider from across the field.
"Hello, Darshu. Ready to do battle with the universe's greatest scientific genius?"
Darshu got up from his seat. Giving Washuu the once over, he complained, "Another
kid? Every fight, they keep putting me up against some flat-chested little girl."
Darshu sneered. "Could be worse. I could have to fight Naga, and listen to that
damned laugh in the middle of a battle. Now, let's fight."
][ FIGHT #3
][ WASHUU HAKUBI VS. DARK SCHNEIDER
][ FIGHT!!
"OK." Washuu pulled a gun from a convenient sub-space pocket. "Catch"
An iridescant sphere the size of a basketball burst from the gun's muzzle. The
tree Darshu had been sitting under burst into saw-dust.
"And what was that?," Darshu asked.
"This?," Washuu asked, gesturing toward her weapon. "I call it my Bubble
Rifle. Throws spheres of folded space-time. Nifty, eh?"
"So basically, you're shooting Yog-Sothoth at me?"
"Essentially, if you want to view it unscientifically."
"I see. EXODUS!"
The super-heated plasma burst was shot down with a bubble of folded space-time,
sucking the energy in and dispering it several centuries in the past.
"ZARZARD!"
Shot down, the shot ending up exploding somewhere in the Abyss, a downscale
section of Hell. No one noticed.
"VENOM!"
Shot down, but the firey back-lash did burn Darshu's clothing to ash, revealing
perfectly sculpted pecs, washboard abs, and other fine examples of unclothed
male anatomy.
Washuu gave him an appraising look.
"Not bad. I've seen better over the last twenty thousand years, but not many.
Now catch." Another bubble left an earthy crater in the field, as Dark Schneider
leapt away on the wings of a flight spell.
"DAMNED!"
Shot down.
"SODOM!"
Shot down.
"STRYPER!"
Shot down.
"GUNSNORO!"
The spell finally broke past Washuu's bubble gun defense, before exploding against
a force screen.
"This is getting silly," Washuu commented, pulling her ethereal ketboard out of
nowhere. "Good night, Darshu."
"HALLOchu!," exclaimed Dark Schneider, as a bolt of energy from out of the
heavens struck him. "Pika?," he asked, looking down at himself, now small,
yellow, and fuzzy.
"PIKA! PIKACHU!!," he swore.
Washuu walked over and picked up the mage-cum-pokemon by the scruff of his neck.
She giggled cutely and then turned to show her prize to the cameras.
"Look, it's a Darchu!"
"...chu."
* * *
"How exciting," Daisuke said, without meaning a word of it. "I've gotten word
that Hiroshi will be back with us after the break, so let's have a round of
appalause for Karin, before she goes."
The crowd applauded dutifully.
"Thank you, Daisuke," Karin said. "It was nice to be back. Ohohoho!"
Daisuke winced. "Sure. We'll be back after this commercial message."
* * *
Elsewhere, in the infirmary, Hiroshi stared at the ceiling and wondered if his
head would ever stop hurting. If nothing else, at least he wouldn't have to fend
off yet another challenge for the Hardcore Belt. And if nothing else, having
held the Hardcore Belt was something he could take pride in. Heck, he'd held
it longer than some of the real fighters had.
He gave up that line of thought for wondering when the nurse was going to come
back with a materia to drive away this damn headache.
The sound of a door sliding open brought Hiroshi out of his revery. Sitting up,
he looked to see who the visitor was. In the doorway, stood Rei Ayanami.
"Rei! You came to see me!," Hiroshi called, grinning.
The pale Eva pilot did not answer the question, replying. "the doctor says you
may return to ringside."
"Oh. Um... That's good." Hiroshi's attention focused on nothing in particular,
avoiding looking at Rei. "So, um, you aren't... mad at me? About the fight?"
"no."
"Oh. That's good... er."
Rei moved closer to the bed. "you could have done better," she stated.
"Well, yes, but...." Hiroshi trailed off as Rei held out her hands, a shining
hexagon between them. "Rei, what is this?"
Perhaps Rei would have explained it leading to something neither of them could
have anticipated. Probably though, she would have just left it at "..."
The world would never know, because at that moment, Rei's cel phone rang.
Collapsing the AT Field, she answered her phone. "hai?"
Hiroshi watched as Rei listened. A few moment passed before she responded
again. "i understand, commander," she replied. The cel phone clicked shut.
"What was that about, Rei?"
Rei moved to leave. Without turning to face him, she answered.
"goodbye, hiroshi. remember what i showed you."
And then, there was only Hiroshi.
I wish I understood girls, thought Hiroshi. At least my headache's gone. And
so thinking, Hiroshi left to get out of the infirmary and back to the announcer's
table.
* * *
A Pokemon arena. On one end of the playing field, stands Ash. His eyes are
glazed as he stares into space, slack-jawed. A pokeball is gripped loosely
in his hand. His opponent chooses his attack.
"Poliwag, go!"
Ash stands there, failing to release a pokemon. The Poliwag looks at its
trainer, who shrugs.
"Wag!"
The little water pokemon sprays Ash, soaking him. He does not react.
"Voltorb, go!"
"Volt!"
The Voltorb self-destructs, electrocuting Ash to a nice, even black. The
pokeball falls from his limp fingers and rolls away.
"Togepi, go!"
"Brrri!"
The Togepi waddles over and nudges Ash's foot. Ash slowly topples over, his
glazed expression never changing.
From Ash's point of view, we see the arena roof. The view blurs, resolving
into a vision of a hearty deli sandwich.
"When you've got Schlotzsky's on the brain, there isn't room for anything else."
* * *
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are *back*, and coming to you LIVE from the
UltraDome!," a newly returned Hiroshi exclaimed. During the break, he had
managed to switch into his tuxedo and tie. "Coming up next, we've got
a clash of the elements themselves. The Disciples of the Void versus the
most electrifying fighters in Ultra, Pikachu and Blanka!"
"Going thing you're back," Daisuke said. "I stink at making up that stuff.
Wait a minute... void and elecricity aren't elements." Hiroshi nearly got to
reply before Daisuke cut back in.
"Yeah, yeah, I know - 'work with you.' Whatever, just start the fight."
"...ooookay," Hiroshi responded uncertainly. "Well then, let's welcome
Pikachu and Blanka!"
The TitanTron filled with images of lightning as rolling, crashing thunder
played over the speakers. Blanka shambled from backstage, Pikachu riding
on his shoulders.
"Pika!," the beloved electric mouse greeted its millions... and millions...
of adoring fans.
"Awoo! Aroooo!," his smelly companion added.
* * *
"See Misty?" Ash indicated the TV. "Pikachu's having so much fun, I don't
think he'll ever come back..."
Misty dismissed that. "Don't be silly, Ash. Like some slobbery, hairy
green guy is better than you. Don't worry."
Ash sighed and went back to watching TV.
* * *
"And their opponents, the Disciples of the Void!"
'Du Has' came on as Shermie and Yashiro entered via Orochi-brand Ominous
Black Disk. The audience booed. They jeered. They yelled not nice names.
They waved signs reading 'I'd Like To Fill Shermie's Void,' but that was
just the perverts in section G-3, so please ignore them.
][ FIGHT #4
][ SHERMIE/YASHIRO NANAKASE VS. PIKACHU/BLANKA
][ FIGHT!!
In their corner, Shermie encouraged Yashiro as he climbed into the ring.
"Return them to the Void, Yashiro-kun!"
Yashiro nodded. "Sure. The Orochi commands it."
In the other corner, Pikachu gave last-minute instructions to Blanka.
"Chu. Pika pika pi. Kachu! Pikachu chu pika. Pika!"
"Awoo!"
Daisuke looked at Hiroshi. "You can't understand them either, can you?"
"Nope," Hiroshi admitted. "But I'm sure its a *brilliant* stategy!"
The fighters squared off. Blanka opened with a low slash at Yashiro's
legs, his claws drawing a little blood. Yashiro responded with a series
of punches to the ribs. Blanka growled, grappling Yashiro. He bared his
fangs, biting Yashiro repeatedly.
"Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape!" Yashiro applied a knee to
Blanka's stomach, breaking the hold.
Blanka backed away to the far side of the ring.
"AAWWWOOOO!!"
Blanka hopped, curling into a ball. Spinning, the green primative rolled
across the ring, aiming for Yashiro.
The Orochi minion leapt over the on-rushing Blanka. Landing, he spun,
snapping off a roundhouse kick as Blanka hit the ropes. It hit and Blanka
slumped on the ropes.
"Pika! Pika pi!," shouted Pikachu.
"Rrrr," Blanka grunted. Yashiro moved in for the kill.
Blanka was having none of it. He crouched, flexed, and an crackling aura
of electricity sprang up around him.
"Blanka seems to have chosen a turtling strategy here," Daisuke said,
explaining a bit of the technical aspects of the fight. "Unfortunately,
most skilled martial artists develop means of getting past such defenses."
Wisely, Yashiro backed off, tagging out to Shermie. "That's your area
of expertise, I believe."
Shermie climbed through the ropes, sizing Blanka up. "Ick. Hey,
Yashiro-kun, could we have taken on someone besides refugees from a
petting zoo?," she asked. "No Shermie Spiral tonight, I guess."
"Aww...," whined Hiroshi, Daisuke, and the entire male audience.
"RRRAAAHHH!!," screamed Blanka, ready to maul Shermie. The ape-man
jumped, arms outstretched, to rain pointy clawed hurting on her, only
to get knocked back as Shermie cartwheeled into him. Her boots slammed
into his chin, sending Blanka reeling back. He sat down heavily, his
eyes spinning independantly.
"Oroo?," he asked stupidly.
Pikachu scrambled over, crawling onto Blanka's shoulder. "Pika?," he
queried his partner. Blanka grunted, and moved to crawl out of the ring.
Pikachu climbed off, and moved to face Shermie.
"How cute!," Shermie said, giggling. She reached down and petted
Pikachu on the head. "Who's a fuzzy who's gonna get killed now?"
Pikachu glowered at her. "Pika-CHU!," chirped the pokemon, unleashing
copious voltage at Shermie.
"Pika!," he cried, waving fans in celebration.
A boot nudged his back. "Silly. What were you trying to do?"
Pikachu looked up, discovering a non-charred-and-in-pain Shermie looking
down at him.
Daisuke smiled. "An excellent tactic. Shermie's Orochi-based powers are
electrical attacks, so naturally, she's developed a degree of immunity to
those, otherwise she'd fry herself along with her opponent."
"Is that for real, or are you making this up as you go?," Hiroshi asked
skeptically.
"What Would Xelloss Do?," Daisuke enigmatically replied.
"We're you trying to do this?" Shermie cupped her hand and blew a kiss,
causing a bolt of electricity to fly, hitting Pikachu. His fans crumbled
into ashes.
"Pika!," Pikachu stated, scrambling away. Shermie reached out, snagging
the critter by the scuff of it's neck.
"Sayonara, mousey." Shermie tossed Pikachu up into the air. As the
pokemon fell to earth, Shermie jumped, nailing Pikachu with a nasty
drill-kick.
"Pikachu is out and The Void wins!!," cried Hiroshi. "This is
astonishing!"
"No, it isn't," contradicted Daisuke. "Let's face it, Pikachu's a mouse
and my dog's smarter than Blanka."
Hiroshi favored him with a disapproving look. "You're a sad, sad man,
Daisuke."
In the ring, Yashiro had menaced one of the crew into providing him with
a microphone. "The Orochi has sent us out here tonight to give a message.
ORO, if you continue opposing the will of the Void, you will be destroyed.
David is lost to you. Sakura is lost to you. Others will follow."
"That's right!," Shermie chimed in. "Last week, Orochi-sama claimed
Yagami and triggered the Blood Riot. Everyone returns the Void."
On the ramp, Ken Masters strode out, flanked by Ryu and Dan. "Sorry,
punks. We're not buying it," Ken declared. The other two Spirit of
Shotokaners nodded in agreement. "The Orochi's days are numbered, and
you can put money on that."
"Feh," Yashiro feh'ed. "Whatever. Let's go, Shermie."
The Orochi's minions Black Disked away.
* * *
"For our next fight," Daisuke drawled, "two Lambda teams will be facing
off - Haohmaru and Tatewaki Kunou against Mai Shiranui and Andy Bogard."
"That's right, Daisuke! Th--"
"Oh no, my friends! That is *wrong*!!"
Striding briskly out under the TitanTron, resplendant in a snazzy red
suit, Controversial Jack was in the house. From the ramp, he addressed the
assembled masses.
"Before we toddle along to a fight between a pair of teams no one gives
a flying rat's patootie about," Jack grinned, "Kamiversial Jack's got
something you'll really like! But first, there's someone here with a
message to deliver. Reeeeeeeii Ayanami, come on down! You're the next
contestant on the Price is Right!"
Rei Ayanami, in her plugsuit, stepped forth from backstage, coming forward
to take the mike Jack offered.
"shinji ikari, i am calling you out. we are going to take back what is
ours and take you down. because, rei is going to take her progressive
knife, turn it sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass. because
i am y2rei."
"I see Commander Ikari is still writing Rei's lines."
"My god! Rei has just issued a challenge to Shinji Ikari. NERV'S WAR
AGAINST HEAVEN CONTINUES!! Will Shinji accept the challenge? WHERE WILL
IT ALL END!?"
"If you'll pipe down, maybe we'll find out," Daisuke informed his friend.
"Look."
In the ring, one of the innumerable inter-dimensional portals that
appeared on Ultra sprung up. Shinji Ikari stepped out.
"We don't have to fight, Rei. We both know this."
"Listen to him, Rei!," Hiroshi yelled in the background.
"i have been ordered to challenge and fight you. tonight."
Shinji sighed. "Only if we must."
"then we will fight."
Rei handed the mike to Jack and returned back-stage. Shinji slumped
and re-entered his portal, which closed behind him.
"SQUEAK!"
"Exactly as you say Mr. Duck! Tonight, titans tussle, giants get jiggy,
and really big-ass ugly robots knock the crap out of each other! But
first, I bring to you, the Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting
Federation Ultra viewing audience, the biggest spectacle of all time or
at least until I think up a bigger spectacle."
"And now, in the really-freakin'-scary corner... IORI YAGAMI! Bring
him on out!"
A team of the little lego men-style robots that served as Ultra's security
force wheeled a cage into the ring. In it, Iori Yagami stood, straped to
a handcart, bound in a straight-jacket and leather face mask. The former
champion slumped as much a his bonds would allow and his hair fell over
his face, obscuring his eyes. Blood stains ran down his jaw, staining
the front of his straight-jacket.
Iori snarled mindlessly, less like a man than a rabid dog.
"And in the ham, the sham, the side of spam corner... The god of fraud,
MR. SATAN!" Jack laughed. "Oh yes, my big phony, right here, right
now you will be facing off against this particular example of *hardcore
psychosis* and *demonic influence* for the Gamma Belt! This is it! Time
to put your money where your mouth is, PROVE you're the 'world's greatest
hero' and protect the innocent by-standers from the tender mercies of the
BLOOD RIOT!"
Hiroshi swallowed nervously. "Um, Daisuke, who does he mean 'innocent
by-standers'?"
"Us, Hiroshi. He means us."
"Oh, and Satan, dahling," said Jack, getting in one last dig. "If you
don't show in the next ten seconds, the belt goes to meat-boy here."
About the time Jack hit four on the countdown, a funky blues riff kicked
in, and Mr. Satan was here to answer Jack's challenge. His response was
simple and direct.
"Come on. Let's rumble, punk."
"You got it, sparky."
Jack whipped out a remote control. Punching a button, he added, "Into
the ring, Satan!"
"Let's hide under the table for now," Daisuke remarked, retreating to a
safer position.
The clasps holding Iori's restraints in place opened, the mask and
straight-jacket and straps falling away. Yagami snarled, throwing himself
against the cage. Fire burned around his hands, as he slammed into the
bars, ki tearing through the metal. Seconds later, the bars cut and
twisted apart, and the monster Iori Yagami was loose.
][ FIGHT #5
][ MR. SATAN VS. IORI YAGAMI
][ FIGHT!!
Iori darted at Satan snarling, hands slashing madly. Satan dodged, all
but the last blow missing. The final blow, though, caught him across the
chest, a bloody gash slashed there. Satan moved away, but Iori followed,
moving maddeningly fast.
Yagami hands slashed again, drawing bloody lines across Satan's forehead
and bicep. Satan broke in with a flurry of punches to Iori's face. It
didn't faze the blood-crazed fighter.
"Rrrr!," Yagami snarled, hurling a ball of purple flames at Satan. It hit
the hero, igniting a fire in his afro.
"Aaaah! It burns! Hot hot hot!," Satan panicked for a moment before
slapping out the fire. "Hey punk, watch what yer do--" One of Iori's
slashes reached in, slicing off half of Satan's moustache. "--ing," he
finished lamely.
"A blow to Mr. Satan's pride if nothing else," noted Daisuke from under
the table.
"Right. SATAN PUNCH!"
A massive fist slammed into Yagami's stomach, shoving him back into
the ropes. Iori bounced off, using the momentum to rush at Satan again.
He slashed again, aiming to blind.
Satan dodged the slashes, ducking away.
His hair wasn't so lucky. Clumps fell away, chopped off the blades
of energy surrounding Iori's hands. Gingerly, Satan touched the bald
patches where his afro had been.
"YOU BASTARD! NO ONE DISSES MR. SATAN'S 'FRO AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"
"You tell him, Mr. Satan!," Hiroshi cheered for his personal hero. Unlike
Daisuke, he had not chosen to hide under the table.
Satan paused, feeling something warm running down his neck. He touched
the bleeding part.
"Eh, you got the ear, too."
Iori responded, unsurprisingly, by attempting to throw slashes at Satan.
Satan countered by sending a sweeping kick over Yagami's slashes, his
foot slamming into Iori's head. Iori stumbled back...
...and coughed up steaming hot blood, one of the ravages of the Blood
Riot. He coughed, choking, still for a moment as he purged himself.
The opening was what Mr. Satan needed. He ran at him, arm outstretched,
catching Iori in the neck. Iori's legs went out from under him, and he hit
the mat with a thump.
"Mr. Satan takes the opening with a clothesline!," shouted Hiroshi.
Grabbing Iori by the shoulder and leg, he lifted him over head, then
slammed him into his upraised knee.
"Yagami takes a back breaker by Satan!"
Iori lay stunned as Satan picked him up again. Gripping Iori's legs,
Satan lifted him overhead, then dropped to his knees, smacking Yagami's
head into the ground.
"Piledriver!"
Iori twitched, attempting to crawl up to a standing position. Satan
climbed the ropes and stood on the turnbuckle. As Iori, wrenched himself
into a vaguely standing position, Satan leapt backwards form the pole,
slamming into Iori on his descent.
"Moonsault by Mr. Satan!," said Daisuke from under the table, finally
getting into it.
Getting up, Satan lifted Iori overhead by his throat.
"Hey, Jack! DON'T MESS WITH MR. SATAN!!"
Mr. Satan slammed Iori into the canvas with all his strength. The
canvas buckled, Iori punching through, landing in the space below.
"CHOKESLAM!! CHOKESLAM!!," screamed Hiroshi. "Mr. Satan just
chokeslammed Iori STRAIGHT THROUGH THE RING!!"
"Not bad," Daisuke understated, crawling back into his seat.
Jack stood on the stage, mouth gaping like a stunned carp. He rallied,
finally managing to speak. "You'll still get your's, poser! There's
chaos and controversy to be had will you yet, and Controversial Jack is
going to have it!"
Jack did a wise thing at that point and made himself scarce.
Satan, bloodied, balded, but unbowed, picked up the Gamma belt from
it's resting place at the edge of the ring. Raising it overhead with
both hands, he cried out.
"WHO IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST HERO?"
"SATAN!," the crowds screamed back.
Waving to crowd, Mr. Satan left. Wild, frenzied, and above all, loud
cheering ensued. A crew of security Servbots worked to truss the
unconscious Iori Yagami up like Hannibal Lecter.
"What were you so worried about?," questioned Hiroshi. "I knew Mr. Satan
would win!"
"I was worried about being turned into something the consistancy of chili
by Yagami. Better safe than sorry."
Crap, Satan thought as he went back stage. They're gonna put iodine on
all these cuts. Satan's tough, though, a little iodine won't phase me.
Later, when they put the iodine on in the infirmary, Mr. Satan cried
like a little girl.
* * *
"...Continuing from before we were interuptted," Daisuke said. "Next
match, Kunou, Haohmaru, Mai, Andy, yadda yadda."
"Yes, this is going to be one heck of a fight. Two skilled favorites
from the King of Fighters tournaments versus a venerable samurai warrior...
Oh yeah, and Kunou, too." Hiroshi paused. "Hey, since he's teamed up with
Kunou, should we consider this a handicap match for Haohmaru?"
Daisuke nodded. "One would think so."
"PEASANT DOGS! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF THE NOBLE TATEWAKI KUNOU IN SUCH A
DISHONORABLE MANNER! SURELY THE VERY WRATH OF HEAVEN SHALL SMITE THEE
FOR THY WORDS! ...Did I do it correctly, master?" Kunou and his teacher
approached from the ramp.
"INDEED MY YOUNG PUPIL," stated Haohmaru, at decibles typically reserved
for explosions. "CONTINUE TO PRACTICE AT IT, AND SOON YOU SHALL BE NEARLY
AS LEGENDARILY VOLUABLE AS MY OWN LEGENDARILY VOLUABLE LEGENDARY SELF! NOW,
LET US ENTER INTO THIS LEGENDARY BATTLE AND TRIUMPH AS DID THE WARRIORS OF
LEGEND!" The duo moved to their corner of the ring.
"The opposing fighters," introduced Hiroshi. "The Hungry Wolves, Mai
Shiranui and Andy Bogard!"
The pair came down the ramp, fireworks and the crowd popping, waving to the
fans, soaking up the cheers. Mai was, as usual, excited. "This is going
to be fun, Andy. We ought to try to get on the card more."
Andy ignored that, checking out the opposing team. "Looks like the kid's
going first. You handle him."
"OK. I want to fight the hairy guy a bit, too. He's pretty good."
Andy frowned. "How do you know that?"
"A girl's got to have some secrets," Mai smiled. The two reached in ring,
and Mai climbed in, facing off against Kunou.
][ FIGHT #6
][ TATEWAKI KUNOU/HAOHMARU VS. MAI SHIRANUI/ANDY BOGARD
][ FIGHT!
Kunou unsheathed his bokken and faced his opponent. "Oh, firey-haired
maiden, if thou defeat me, I will allow thee to date with me!"
"Classic opening move by Kunou," Daisuke noted. "Classic, but stupid."
Before Mai could reply, Haohmaru reached in and smacked Kunou in the back
of the head. "UNGRATEFUL BOY! DO AS I TAUGHT YOU!," the samurai scolded.
"Yes, sensei!" Kunou tried again. "OH, FIREY-HAIRED MAIDEN, IF THOU
DEFEAT ME, I WILL ALLOW THEE TO DATE WITH ME!"
Haohmaru thumped the back of Kunou's head with the blunt edge of his katana
this time. Haomaru climbed into the ring, lecturing. "USELESS! IF YOU DO
NOT CEASE PROPOSITIONING ANYTHING WITH BREASTS, YOU WILL NEVER BECOME A
LEGENDARY WARRIOR SUCH AS I!! THE WAY OF THE SAMURAI IS HARD AND AUSTERE,
AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SUCH NONSENSE! NOW STEP OUT OF THE RING. IN PENANCE,
YOU SHALL NOT PARTICIPATE IN TODAY'S GLORIOUS VICTORY!"
"Ha! I'd never date with anyone but Andy-chan, anyhow," Mai replied
confidently, readying her fans.
"And the world is a poorer place for it," Hiroshi added.
Powerful arms swept Mai off her feet. Mai suddenly found herself being carried
out of the ring by Andy. "Hey! Andy, put me down," she protested. "The
kid didn't even scratch me. I'm in the middle of a fight here!"
Andy deposited her outside the ring. "I'm going to fight this guy, Mai.
This is a battle between real warriors."
"Andy just lost me," Daisuke said in confusion. "I don't get the strategy."
"Did he just imply that Mai isn't a real warrior?," wondered Hiroshi.
"I SEE YOU ARE A DEDICATED WARRIOR," Haohmaru declared. "ENLIGHTENMENT!"
He swung at Andy, connecting.
Andy took the blow, returning with a kick to rib, and a second to the knee.
"OUGI KOGETSU ZAN!," HAOHMARU SH... er, Haohmaru shouted, the rising sword
blow striking Andy in the gut.
Andy stumbled backward. Straightening, he drew his hands together, ki
charging.
"HISHOU--"
"NOW!"
At Kunou's shout, a bank of lights fell from the ceiling, flattening Andy.
A pale, weedy boy with dark rings under his eyes and a small rodenty-looking
ninja looked down at their work, then dashed away along a catwalk.
"GREAT GRAVY, it's Gosunkagi and Sasuke!," yelled Hiroshi. "Kunou just had
his flunkies nail Andy Bogard!"
"Still, as Andy doesn't seem to be getting up, it does net Kunou and Haohmaru
the win," Daisuke calmly observed.
"AN INTERESTING STRATEGY," mused Haohmaru. "THE WISE AND LEGENDARY WARRIOR
LEARNS TO RELY ON HIS ALLIES, AS WELL AS HIS OWN STRENGTH. COME, LET US
RETIRE FROM THE FIELD OF VICTORY." Haohmaru and Kunou departed.
From under the pile of lighting, Andy spoke. "Mai? Get this stuff off me."
Mai slipped through the ropes, and stood next the pile of lights. Addressing
the point where Andy's voice was immerging, Mai spoke. "What was the big
idea back there? Tossing me out, when the kid hadn't even laid a finger on
me...."
As Mai had words with her teammate, Daisuke continued with the announcing.
"I believe we'll break for commercial now," he informed. "And hopefully,
when we get back this little domestic dispute will be finished, and the This
Old Dojo crew with have those lights fixed. I hope."
"More Ultra, after this message from our sponsors," Hiroshi added.
"Thank you Mr. Superfluous Comment."
"You're welcome."
* * *
A shot of a banner reading 'Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.'
"There's a place where everybody knows your name."
Shot of various people sitting at the grill. Among the crowd, we can
spot Akane, Ryouga and Akari, and Gosunkagi. Ukyou works behind the grill,
as Konatsu greets customers.
"Where the unexpected to be expected..."
Dr. Tofu runs through, chased by Kodachi, chased in turn by Happosai, Ataru,
and Tsubasa. The patrons shrug and continue eating.
"Often several times a day."
A giant blob of animate okonomiyaki batter attacks with a number of
psuedopods, as Ukyou, Konatsu, Ryouga, and Katsunishiki fend it off.
"But, if you want to go where they serve the best okonomiyaki in the world..."
Shot of Ukyou cooking several okonomiyakis.
"And occasionally, dreams come true."
The camera catches Ukyou and Konatsu in a lip-lock in the supply closet.
Ukyou spots the camera, and yells something. A battle spatula smashes the
camera.
"You better take your Visa card."
Shot of Ukyou ringing up a customer at the register.
"Because Ucchan's Okonomiyaki doesn't take American Express."
Close up of a Visa card.
"Visa : It's everywhere you want to be."
* * *
"Hiroshi, should I ask what you're doing or is this one of those things
that is going to make my head hurt?," Daisuke asked.
Hiroshi looked up from the souped-up ham radio he was fiddling with.
"Probably the second one. I borrowed it off of Skuld during the break."
"OK. I don't want to know," Daisuke said. He waved vaguely at Hiroshi.
"Carry on. Moving along, we now present to you tonight's impromptu fight
between--"
The lights went out, and Daisuke was interupted by a mix of roaring EVAs,
blaring klaxons, and heavy metal. The screen of the TitanTron displayed
the NERV logo, overlaid with a gold winged skull.
The image faded out, and was replaced by a view of an office, darkened,
with kaballic designs on the floor and ceiling. M. Bison sat at the
desk, grinning.
"Greetings, puppets," Bison opened. "Tonight, I am pleased to announce,
beginning with the battle you are about to witness, the union of my empire,
Shadowlaw, with NERV. This relationship, forged to our mutual benefit, will
make the fun we all had with Ifurita a fond memory in comparision."
His smile got just a bit wider, or at least showed more teeth.
"Now, let's play. On to the next fight."
Daisuke shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "OK, tonight's
officially gone to hell in a handbasket."
Hiroshi just resorted to thumping the side of the device he was working with.
* * *
The hell of Kakuri, kingdom of Emma-O, was a frigid wasteland of black
obsidian frosted with snow. The wind swept across the plains, carrying the
cries of souls casted down with no honor. No light had dispelled the eternal
night since the Ainu had first discovered Emma-O.
Tonight, light broke the darkness, as spot-lights the size of ten story
buildings lit the sky. The landscape of shining black and white was set. At
one end of the lighted space stood the hulking blue shape of Evangelion Unit-00'.
Enscribed on the forehead and each shoulder was the NERV-Shadowlaw logo.
At the other end, stood Shinji Ikari.
Over the wind, he screamed. "I'm here, Gendo. Is this what you want?"
Unit-00's external speakers kicked in, broadcasting Gendo Ikari live and
direct from NERV HQ. "This is exactly what NERV wants. Rei, your orders are
- kill Shinji."
"hai."
Shinji's form flickered, fading, even as the ghostly image of Unit-01 was
super-imposed over him. The purple giant, Shinji's other self, snapped
into solidity, and the ghostly image of the young boy faded completely.
Unit-01/Shinji took a defensive stance.
Time to fight.
][ FIGHT #7
][ EVA-00' (REI AYANAMI) VS. EVA-01 (SHINJI IKARI)
][ FIGHT!!
But first, it was time to taunt.
"rei ayanami says shut your damn mouth, and know your role, you limp-wristed
nancy-boy jabronie, because rei ayanami is the people's champion."
Having fulfilled her minimum obligation of trash-talk, Rei drew her prog
knife from it's shoulder mount, charging Unit-01. Slashing, she aimed for
the Eva's arms, trying to land a crippling strike. Shinji slid out of the
way, faster than the Eva's ungainly bulk appeared to be able to. The knife
strike passed by without conecting.
Shinji drew his own knife and raise an AT Field. I can't hurt her, she's
Rei, I know her, my friend, she's going to kill me, why am I doing this...
The blue mass of EVA-00 closed in extending it's own AT Field. The force
fields met, neutralizing each other.
Unit-00 rushed in again, slashing. Shinji blocked, knife to knife.
Rei applied pressure, attempting to force Shinji back. The clich broke, both
Evangelions pulling back. They circled warily.
Within Unit-00, a com channel crackle to life, producing a tiny image of Hiroshi.
"--ot it. Thank god for SkuldTech," he said, voice tinny over the pirated
channel.
Rei opted to try to take off Unit-01's head with another knife strike. Shinji
dodged, but the slash tore a furrow in the purple behemoth's armoured shoulder.
Over his channel, Hiroshi protested. "No, Rei! Don't do it! Don't go over
to the dark-side. Don't kill Shinji!"
A second channel opened, showing the features of Commander Ikari. "Ignore
him, Rei. Kill Shinji."
Rei and Shinji clashed again, knife locking, kicking up sparks. Both Evas
tried to force the other back. Suddenly, Unit-01 lashed out, kneeing the
other Evangelion in the stomach. As Unit-00 staggered back, the purple Eva
struck a second time, kicking it hard in the chest. The blue Eva flew
backwards, skidding across the snowy landscape, losing its grip on its
prog knife. The knife pinwheeled into the distance, beyond the range of
the lights.
"Are you ready to give up, Rei?," Shinji asked, sheathing his knife. "I
really don't want to do this."
"Give up, Rei," Hiroshi pleaded. "Please give up!"
"Hurry up and jam that signal!," barked Gendo, on the other channel.
Ignoring the chatter, Rei answered Shinji's question by punching Unit-01 in
the face.
The Evangelions switched tactics to swapping punches. Rei hammered her
opponent again, buckling a chest plate. Shinji returned with a punch to
the shoulder, followed by a clumsy kick. Nonetheless, the blow knocked Rei
into on of the spot lights. The equipment buckled as the weight of Unit-00
slammed into it.
Unit-00 rose, turned, and tore the light from its mooring.
As the robot lifted the giant light overhead, Rei informed Shinji, "i am
here to chew ass and kick bubblegum. i am out of bubblegum." And hurled
the shattered equipment at Unit-01.
Unit-01 took the projectile straight in the chest.
On the other end of the line, Hiroshi was panicking. "Rei, you killed
him! You murdered Shinji Ikar... Wait, no, he's getting back up."
"Finish him off," commanded Commander Ikari.
"Rei, do you have any idea what we'd have to look forwad to if you did
that? Shinji's blood on your hands and nine chances out of ten, we'd
all wind up as puddles of yellow stuff before the year's out."
"Rei, he is unimportant. Finish Shinji off."
"I'm only saying this because it's true. Inside of us, we both know
you don't want to kill Shinji. If you leave that battlefield, and
Shinji's not amung the living, you'll regret it. Maybe not today.
Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life."
"Silence, little boy. Rei, you have your orders. Kill Shinji."
While Rei listened to Hiroshi and Gendo bicker and cajol, the hulking
form of Unit-01 rose from beneath the twisted metal remains of the light.
Moving quietly, Shinji picked out a large, heavy beam.
"Forget the orders. We'll always have Tokyo-3. And... and Rei, I'll
keep sneaking in to take you on dates, even if I am supposed to be an
enemy because I'm employed by a wholly owned subsidiary of Heaven."
"WHAT!?" Gendo frothed at the mouth. "When did this happen?"
Hiroshi smirked, just a little. "Rei, I'm no good at being noble, but
it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two cloned kids don't
amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll
understand that. So... here's looking at you, kid."
"..." Rei's response was noncommital.
"By the way, you ought to..."
Shinji clobbered Unit-00 in the back of the head with the beam it had
salvaged. The blue giant went down like the a fallen angel, taking Rei
with it.
"...duck."
* * *
"Nice speech, Hiroshi," noted Daisuke. "Very touching. Too bad you're
going to catch hell for it."
Hiroshi, sitting behind his SkuldTech pirating set, rubbed the back of
his neck. "Eh heh heh...," he chuckled nervously. "OK, on to the next
fight! Following that unpleasant interruption, we return to our regularly s
cheduled fights." Hiroshi paused, then turned to his cohort. "Um, why is
the Shadowlaw test-pattern still running on the TitanTron?"
"I see... the next fight is scheduled for the Psycho Soldiers versus
Team Pokemon," Daisuke explained. "Since, as you may recall, the Psycho
Soldiers were revealed to be Shadlowlaw minions just before Ultra Rage
Beta, the alliance of NERV and Shadowlaw continues."
"And what a fight this will be! And come down the ramp this very minute,
TEAM POKEMON!"
Ash and Misty entered the arena, the crowd cheering. As the Pokemon theme
music played, they climbed into the ring, waving to the crowd.
The sound of roaring Eva's and heavy metal came on over the speakers.
"Their opponents, hailing from Shadowlaw HQ, Athena Asamiya and Sie Kensou,
the PSYCHO SOLDIERS!"
The pop stars/martial artists/super heroes/minions entered. As before,
Athena looked shell-shocked, clinging closely to Sie. Sie was grim, and
scowled at the booing audience.
"Sie?," asked Athena, as the pair came down the ramp. "He said to hurt them,
but..."
Sie sighed, gripped Athena's hand to comfort her. "I know. But if we don't,
Bison will..." Athena huddled closer to Sie at the mention of Bison.
Sie frowned. "I'll keep you safe," he swore, climbing into the ring. "And
someday I'll make Bison pay. I promise."
][ FIGHT #8
][ SIE KENSOU/ATHENA ASAMIYA VS. ASH KETCHUM/MISTY
][ FIGHT!!
"Wow! The Psycho Soldiers! This is so cool!," bubbled Misty. "I have all
your CDs. Would you and Athena sign them?," she asked, producing said CDs
and a black marker.
"...No." Sie threw a punch, hoping to end the fight quickly. Misty scrambled
back, the blow brushing her pig-tail.
"HEY! That's no way to treat your fans!"
"Guess she didn't hear about Sie and Athena's falling in with M. Bison,"
Hiroshi speculated.
"How could she have missed it?" asked Daisuke. "There was a memo sent around
and everything."
Misty chose to start getting serious about the fight. "Starmie, go!," she
shouted, tossing out a pokeball. The ball hit the canvas, and the starfish
pokemon materialized in the ring.
"..." it said, because everyone knows starfish don't talk.
"Starmie, watergun attack!," Misty commanded.
The star-shaped pokemon pointed its upper-most arm at Sie, blasting Sie with
a stream of high pressure water. The force of the jet slid Sie back into the
ropes.
"SILVER BULLET!" The sphere of blue Psycho Power tore through the water jet,
slamming into the enchinoderm pokemon. Starmie gave it up and returned to it's
pokeball.
"You jerk!," Misty yelled. Rearing back, she prepared to release another
pokemon. "Gyrado--" Her summons was interupted as a large yellow duck emerged
from one of the pokeballs on her belt.
"Psy-yiy-yiy..."
"What is Misty doing!?," asked Hiroshi. "Psyduck is perhaps the least useful
pokemon in her arsenal!"
Misty put her face in her hands. "Oh geez. Fine, fine, go get him Psyduck.
Just hurry up and get your butt kicked."
Psyduck waddled over to Sie, who favored it with a funny look. "Psy!," honked
the pokemon. It attacked SIe's leg with a scratch attack. Which was very
effective at shredding the leg of his shorts, but not much else.
Sie grabbed Psyduck by the legs and swung him around, introducing it headfirst
to one of the turnbuckles. Psyduck dutifully blacked out.
Misty backed away, tagging out with Ash. "You can handle this guy, now. I'm
fresh out of ideas."
Ash climbed through the ropes. "Hey, mister! Only creeps like Team Rocket
would hurt pokemon like that," he warned. "I'm going to have to teach you a
lesson about kindness to pokemon." Ash finished by whipping a pokeball at the
Psycho Soldier.
Sie ducked, choosing not to reply. A second pokeball followed.
"Charmander, I choose you!"
As the red fire-lizard popped out, Ash commanded it. "Flamethrower, now!"
The charmander belched flames, singeing Sie. Sie stumbled back into the ropes,
his clothes smoking.
"PSYCHO SWORD!"
An arcing blade of Psycho Power slammed into Charmander, sending the lizard
sailing out of the ring. Athena crawled under the ropes, a red ball of Psycho
Power gathered in her hands.
"Athena!" Sie cried. "Don't do that, please!"
Athena looked down into the energy she held. "But, the mean children hurt
you, and the bad man..." She paused, before continuing, raggedly. "He said...
to hurt them, and... PSYCHO CRUSHER!" Without warning, Athena blazed
across the ring, a shell of Psycho Power surrounding her, slamming into Ash.
Ash crumpled, and it was 'Goodnight, Moon' time. Athena fell to her knees
beside the unconscious Pokemon trainer. She gave a muffled sob.
Above, the TitanTron quit broadcasting the the Shadowlaw-NERV logo, as the
grinning face of M. Bison once more filled the screen. He addressed Sie
and Athena. "You have finished your task. Return."
There was a blip of purple Psycho Power and the pair disappeared.
Bison grinned wider and addressed the crowd. "That was a little taste of
the power of my Psycho Soldiers. Because this little tournament amuses me
so, the next stop on our hit list will be the Lambda champions. We'll be
seeing you soon."
With that, the video feed from Shadowlaw cut off. The TitanTron switched to
displaying video snow, static washing over the speakers.
"I think now would be a good time to cut to a commercial," Daisuke observed.
* * *
The museum, with it's security systems, laser beams, pits with alligators,
and deadly whirling spiked razor blades, was no match for the glory of Naga
the White Serpent. Mostly, because she by-passed all that and just blew
a hole in the wall of the main gallery .
"OHOHOHOHOHO!," Naga laughed triumphantly, as she posed dramatically in
silhouette against the hole. "No mere wall shall stand between Naga and
her que--"
"Who the heck are you!?"
The question came from a girl with spiky white hair, who was standing next
to a smashed display case. She wore an extremely short and tight black
leather dress, with matching gloves and boots. A pair of small bat wings
projected from her shoulders. In the ruined display case, a little bat-thing
hefted an orange ball marked with stars.
"Silly girl. Did you think you could steal that dragonball unchallenged?,"
Naga asked. "Naga the White Serpent will allow no such thing! Just who
do you think you are?"
"Geez, look at that, boss! She bounces better than you do," exclaimed the
bat-thing. "Whotta set of... er, lungs!"
"Shut up, De-Mo." The thief thwapped her sidekick in the head. Addressing
the black sorceress, she added, "Since you asked, I'm Shadow Lady, cat burglar
extraordinairre. And this," she added, taking the dragonball from De-Mo,
holding it up for Naga to see, "is tonight's loot." She tossed it back to
the little demon. "It'll make a cute paper weight, won't it?"
"A paper weight? You want to use an incredibly powerful mystic artifact as
a paper weight?," asked Naga, disbelieving her own ears.
"Sure," Shadow Lady smiled. "Tell ya what. You want this thing so bad,
let's have a little contest for it." The catburglar leapt, sailing over
the display cases. She landed, bouncing.
"SHADOW BUST - bounces delightfully and clouds the minds of men!"
"This is the happiest night of my life...," De-Mo sobbed joyfully.
"OHOHOHO! No way. DEMONA CRYSTAL!"
Ice burst upwards, imprisoning shadow Lady up to her neck in a frozen
crystal prison. Naga strolled over to De-Mo. "The dragonball,
pipsqueak."
"OK. But, first could you..." De-Mo whispered the rest into her ear.
One fireball later, Naga had an extra-crispy order of Kentucky Fried Demon
and a new dragonball. Boot heels clicking across the gallery floor, Naga
exited back through the blown-up section of wall. Outside, police sirens
could be heard.
Shadow Lady shivered in her personal ice cube. "Well, this sucks," she
observed.
"Shadow Lady, this is Bright Honda of the Grey City Police. Come out with
your hands up..."
* * *
A scene of fog over jagged mountains. An eagle wheels across the sky, dim
through the mists.
A monolithic black skyscraper punches through the Tokyo skyline. Near the
top, it bears the logo 'Kanzuki Zaibatsu' in English and Japanese.
"'Be the winner of everything.' That's the Kanzuki Zaibatsu motto."
Shot of the morning streets of Tokyo. Salary men crowd the scene, bustling
to work.
"Kanzuki Zaibatsu takes pride in it's community. We want everyone to be
winners together."
Shot of happy families in a park. A banner reads 'Kanzuki Zaibatsu Company
Picnic.'
"Working together with our community."
Shot of Karin Kanzuki shaking hands with employees at the picnic.
"Working together with government."
Karin and Oogenjyurou Kanzuki, her father, greet the Prime Minister. Karin
wears an elegant kimono.
"Working with our international partners."
Karin persuades an executive to do business with Kanzuki Zaibatsu via a
painful looking choke-hold. She has one of his hands pinned; the other is
shakily signing the contract Karin has offered.
Fade to a shot of Japan from far overhead, high enough to view the islands.
The Kanzuki Zaibatsu logo over lays the shot.
"'Be the winner of everything.' Kanzuki Zaibatsu : Because no-one wants to
be on the losing side."
As the final shot fades, a hurried voice adds, "This ad provided by Naginata
Public Relations, a wholly owned subsidiary of Kanzuki Zaibatsu."
* * *
Hiroshi looked over to Daisuke. "Is it just me, or was that last bit a subtle
threat?"
"Yes, that was a veiled threat," Daisuke replied from behind the laptop he had pulled
out during the break.
"OK." Pause. "Put me down for 100 shares of Kanzuki Zaibatsu on Ameritrade,
alright?"
"Sure. I just bought 50 myself."
* * *
"Look, Saotome, I don't care if you don't want to do this," Nabiki explained.
"The fight's on the card, so you'll go out and go your job."
Ranma scowled at her. "Ah, Nabiki..."
Nabiki scowled right back. "No buts. You did pretty good last week. Just
go out there, lay some smack down, and it's another step on the way to getting
that belt back."
"Fine," Ranma said short-temperedly. "Doesn't mean I have to like it."
* * *
"Welcome once again, ladies and gentlemen! In our next match, we bring you
Shingo Yabuki versus Ranma Saotome!," Hiroshi announced estatically. "This
with be quiet a match, wouldn't you say?"
Daisuke considered for a moment. "No. Ranma's going to do something horribly
violent to Shingo. It'll be fast and brutal."
"Here come our first combatant!," Hiroshi continued, ignoring Daisuke's
prediction. "SHINGOOOOOO YAAAABUKI!"
The crowd cheered. Everybody liked Shingo. Shingo waved in return, show the
crowd his appreciation. Once in the ring, he moved into an opening stance and
addressed his opponent. "ready, sensei! I'll make you and Kusanagi-san proud!"
"And now, Ranma," added Daisuke. "Go Shingo. Yay."
Ranma stalked down the ramp, teeth gritted, fists clenched. He entered the
ring, squaring off against Shingo.
Shingo smiled at him. "Before we start, I want to thank you for the help you
gave me last week. I think I've got something worked out."
Shingo's good cheer was infectious. Ranma grinned a little. "Good for you.
A nice, clean fight then."
"YOU TWO MAKE ME SICK!!"
The two fighters turned to find Marlo Semaj addressing them from the top of
the ramp. He looked a bit battered, but still managed to rant perfectly well.
"There's hotels for that kind of crap! This lovey-dovey crap isn't what this
show is for; it's for senseless, merciless violence! You'd think Ranma Saotome,
the man with the plan and the blunt object the carry it out with, would know
that. Oh no, my friends, the Saotome we all know and hate is a lie! Take a good
look at the creampuff behind the mask!"
And the TitanTron lit up.
***
[[ J T V ]]
..."You're getting it!" said Ranma, finally starting to
smile a little. "Your problem is that your trying to use
the styles other people built for themselves. You and
Kyo are different people with different skills. You can't
try to fight like him and have any chance of being
good."...
...Ranma paused when he saw the dejected look on Shingo's
face. After a moment, he sighed. "Ah, screw it. I'll give
ya a hand with it. But these are just suggestions, okay?
You really have to figure out what you're actually going
to do by yourself."...
..."Now you're thinking like a martial artist!" shouted
Ranma, jumping to his feet. "You might want to look at
some southern style wu shu too. At higher levels, they
use a lot of really good kick combinations."...
...Ranma shrugged. "I still don't think it's a good idea,
but... ah, I'd do the same thing you're doing," he said,
a sad smile creeping onto his face. "Good luck."...
..."Night, Shingo." As Shingo turned a corner, Ranma
shook his head. "I hope he knows what he's doing..."...
***
By the time JTV went off the air, Ranma's eye had developed a nasty tic.
"So, you see, adoring fans o' mine," Marlo pontificated. "The big, bad
monster Ranma Saotome is really A HUGE PUSSYCAT! Later, suckers!" Marlo
hightailed it backstage before Ranma found his voice.
"That cat crack was a bad idea," Daisuke remarked. Hiroshi nodded in
agreement.
"SEMAJ!!," Ranma screamed, finally finding his voice, lighting up with a
really impressive battle aura. "Get back here!" He started to go after
Marlo, but a hand on his shoulder restrained him for a moment.
"Sensei?," Shingo addressed Ranma. "What about our fight?"
Ranma's eyes narrowed and he popped his knuckles menacingly. "Fine. I can get
him later. Let's fight."
][ FIGHT #9
][ SHINGO YABUKI VS. RANMA SAOTOME
][ FIGHT!!
A swift kick from Ranma opened, which Shingo blocked, countering with an
elbow to the face.
"As our regular viewers will remember," Daisuke reminded. "Shingo has
begun working to develop his own unique style."
"Right," continued Hiroshi. "Last week, we saw him using a variety of
kick and strength-based moves. One can only wonder what his added to his
arsenal since then."
"Nice move," Ranma stated. "Try this," he added, lauching a wave of
Amaguriken punches.
Shingo blocked, absorbing most of the shots with his forearms. As the
flurry of blows ended, he delivered a spinning kick.
"SHINGOOO KICK!"
He connected, and Ranma was forced to back off. Shingo began to circle
Ranma, needling with short jabs and kicks, drawing closer.
"I think I see what Shingo's doing," said Daisuke. "There's a definite
spiral pattern. But last time, he tired this, Shingo blew himself up."
Shingo pulled back for the punch and delivered with an odd spinning
motion.
"ARAGAMI SHOUTEN HA!"
The effect was rather like taking a very small Hiryuu Shouten Ha whirlwind,
wrapping it around Shingo's uppercut, and pretending it was the flames
normally associated with the Kusanagi Aragami. Ranma went flying back,
before twisting and landing on his feet.
"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?," Hiroshi shouted in astonishment. "What a move
by Shingo!"
"What do you think, sensei?," Shingo asked. "I hit on some good
combinations of moves I'd picked up. I think it works well."
Ranma grimaced. "Whatever. Just fight."
"I see the amiacable start to this fight has fallen apart," Daisuke said.
Hiroshi nodded in agreement. "Well, it's no surprise give how Ranma's
been acting."
Shingo charged Ranma, snapping off a sweeping kick. Ranma leapt over it,
and Shingo followed by snagging Ranma's shirt. He graplled, tossing
Ranma to the ground.
Ranma bounced back up in time to catch Shingo's descending blow to the chest.
"PEOPLE'S ELBOW AMAGURIKEN!"
Shingo's elbow smashed repeatedly into Ranma's chest, driving him to the mat.
"Another brilliant move by Shingo!," Hiroshi enthused. "Based on a move
from The Rock, no less!"
"It's an interesting stategy, at least," agreed Daisuke.
The fighters got up, squaring off again. Ranma sneered. "Nice moves,
Shingo. But I can still do one thing I know you haven't mastered yet."
"Really?," asked Shingo, not catching the implied threat. "What's that?"
"MOKO TAKABISHA!"
The ball of ki hit Shingo, slamming him into the ropes. Ranma ran in,
slamming Shingo with a kick-knee-punch combo to the chin, knocking Shingo down
for the count.
Daisuke nodded. "That would be it then. Shingo still lacks a ki projectile
attack, an advantage enjoyed by both Ranma and shotokaners."
"Sorry, pal. You gotta do what you gotta do," Ranma stated. Finished, he
stomped back up the ramp, presumably going to search for Marlo.
"RANMA WON!," Hiroshi shouted. "Despite an incredible display of skill by
Shingo, Ranma won! I don't believe it."
"Come on Hiroshi," Daisuke stated without much emphasis. "Everyone but a
total mark saw that one coming a mile away."
"They did? Ah... I mean, absolutely! I knew that. Really."
* * *
Mai studied the top of the bar. She was debating whether or not to bother
ordering a drink. She wasn't sure whether she wanted a drink, but there was
one thing she was very sure of - she was definitely *not* sulking. She was
sitting at the little bar in the fighter's lounge, by herself, not sulking.
OK, she was sulking.
That drink sounded pretty good about now.
"Hi, there. Is there anything I can get you?"
Mai looked up, finding a girl behind the bar. "A beer, please." She paused
a minute, attempting to link a name with a face. "Um... Tifa, right?"
"Yep," Tifa replied, drawing a beer from the tap. She passed the mug to Mai.
"So, something got you down, or do you just sulk for fun?"
Mai looked into her beer. Tifa smiled at her, patting her hand.
"Oh, come on. I've been a bar-tender for years. I've heard it all, and
been through half of it personally." she looked at Mai for a moment,
thoughtfully. "Let me guess. Guy troubles?"
Mai took a sip of her beer before answering. "It's my fiance... boyfriend...
It's Andy," she started. "He wouldn't let me fight in tonight's match, which
is stupid. I'm a ninja. I've been in the past seven King of Fighters
tournaments. He doesn't think I'm a 'real fighter,' though." Mai sighed,
sipping her beer again. "I don't think he has a lot of respect for me."
Tifa nodded. "Sounds like. How long have you been after this guy?"
"Since I was fifteen." Mai did a quick count in her head. "Eight years
now." She took a swallow of beer to chase that thought away.
Tifa walked around the bar, taking the seat next to Mai. "Well,
sometimes, relationships just don't work out, no matter how much time
you give it," Tifa explained. "I should know. For seven years, there
was this guy I was crazy about, certain he was the one." She made a face.
"It didn't work out, and I was pretty shook up about it. But, sometimes,
after putting everything in and getting nothing back, you just have to
wash your hands of the whole mess."
Mai nodded, thinking, and sipped her beer. Sometimes things don't work out...
Tifa stood up. "At least that's what I did. Washed my hands of it, I mean."
She ambled over to the refridgerator behind the bar, opening the door. Shampoo
handed her a beer. Tifa shut the door. Ebisu, not a bad label.
Wait a second....
Shampoo. Handed. Her. A Beer.
"You die now!," yelled Shampoo, bursting out of the fridge. She swung her
bonbori wildly, so that Tifa could barely move out of the way. The maces did
break a large number of glasses and bottled potables though.
"Hey! What's the big idea--" Shampoo aimed a crashing blow at Tifa's head,
which was dodged. "--smashing up the nice bar they're letting us use?," Tifa
asked.
"Shampoo kill stupid outift-girl!," Shampoo not really explained.
"This is a perfectly good fighting outfit!," Tifa protested as she backed out
from behind the bar.
Shampoo produced a sword, and proceeded to make with the cutting retorts.
"Oh, give it up...," Tifa requested, belting Shampoo with an elementally charged
upper-cut. A spray of water flew in the Dolphin Blow's wake.
Shampoo staggered, then straightened. She leveled the sword at Tifa. "You die
now!," she exclaimed.
"...die now," Mai followed along. "You opened with that one. No taste at all."
She got up, opening her fans.
A second later, three flaming fans hit Shampoo, who decided it was time to lie
down.
After retrieving fresh drinks, Tifa and Mai brushed the broken glass off the
seats and the counter, and went back to drinks and girl talk. "What should we
do with her?," asked Mai.
Tifa took a slug of beer, then nudged Shampoo with her boot. "Leave her here,
I guess. She'll come around in a bit." she surveyed the wrecked bar for a
minute before adding, "You want to head somewhere else?"
Mai was about to reply when the lounge doors burst open, and a frantic looking
Mousse dashed in. "Shampoo? Where are you, Shampoo?," he asked, gazing about
with his photon-proof glasses.
"She's on the floor, kid," Tifa replied. "No, not there, to the right."
Mousse found her, eventually. Rousing her, he explained. "We've just been
picked as the special guest commentators for the next fight, Shampoo! We need
to hurry or the fight will start without us."
The rapid absence of Amazons in the next several second was amazing.
"Sooo... You wanna go to a club?," Mai asked
* * *
"Continuing on to our next match," Daisuke started. "This bout features--"
"OJAYI!!"
Daisuke put his head in his hands. "Not again..."
A ball of pink rolled out onto the ramp, then jumped up the standard mighty taunt.
"Listen, foul, evil, not-nice people!," Dan tauntingly taunted. "Stone Cold
Dan Hibiki challenges you! Tonight, I will battle Sakura, and deliver her from
your clutches with my mighty iron fists!" Manly tears figured in to this
announcement.
"This is so cool!!" Hiroshi waved a little flag bearing the 'I'm A Dan Fan' logo.
"Right, Daisuke? ...Daisuke, you shouldn't dry-swallow aspirin like that."
"And I shall not leave this stage until I may do battle with Sakura!," Dan added.
"Yosh!"
Before he could get down with the hardcore rolling and exhibition-level taunting,
his demands were met.
"Danny-boy, your prayers have been answered!," exclaimed Controversial Jack, who
appeared out of nowhere clamping clamping a hand on Dan's shoulder. For some
reason, he was decked out in referee's stripes.
"AHH! Don't do that!"
Jack ignored that, and continued. "Just for shirts and giggles, why don't
we let you have your fight. You and Sakura." Jack cupped his and shouted.
"Hey, Orochi, you flaming sack of loser! How's that sound?"
Out of nowhere, the reply came.
"[YES]."
"OYAJI! For the honor of Saikyo style, Stone Cold Dan Hibiki will prevail!"
Jack gave him the evil-eye. "Sure thing. Just get backstage. Yer bugging me."
Jack made shooing motions, and Dan left with manly tears of mighty joy or
something.
"Now that we've disposed of that distraction," Jack continued. "Come on out,
ladies!"
At Jack's queue, Morrigan and Lilith stepped out. The crowd roared, some cheers,
some others. The succubi waved, blew kisses, and generally inspired the male
imagination. Jack offered an arm to each of them, and the trio walked arm-in-arm
down to the ring.
"What in his own name is Jack doing?," Daisuke asked.
"HO'S ARE IN THE HOUSE!!," Lawler would have squealed, but Hiroshi wasn't Lawler.
Specifically, the scariest thing about Lawler's girlfriend was that she hung
around with people like Jeff Jareth and Chyna. Hiroshi's killed things with a
robot the size of a city block. Besides, Lawler wasn't here anyhow, so it didn't
get said.
"Easy question. I'm the referee for the next match," replied Jack. He smirked
at the announcers. "I'm just ruining your evening, aren't I guys? Especially
yours, 'Hiro-kun.' Tough luck. It's amusing as hell."
"......" For once, Hiroshi and Daisuke were of an accord.
In a bit, Jack came over and poked them with a stick.
"Hey! I'm not paying you to sit there! Announce already!"
Daisuke snapped out of it first. "...Right. In the ring, Morrigan and
Lilith Aensland."
The succubi waved. Lilith blew Hiroshi a kiss.
Hiroshi shuddered. "Also, introducing the special guest commentators for
this match, the Jusenkyo Survivors, Shampoo and Mousse!"
Their approach was heard before it was seen.
"Idiot! Why Mousse no tell Shampoo skinny-man want us make guest appearance?"
As the pair entered, Mousse defended himself. "But Shampoo, I did tell you
as soon as I knew."
"Ha! Shampoo maybe better off with stupid cat-thing as partner," the young
Amazon declared.
"Do you really mean it?," asked Meowth, who was suddenly latched on to
Shampoo's leg. He nuzzled his head against her leg. "We'll make beautiful
music togethAAAAAAaaahh!," Meowth added, before being struck with a bonbori
and sent flying into the rafters to join Lickitung.
Shampoo quit browbeating Mousse and pull up a chair at the announcer's table.
Mousse did likewise, but wisely decide to sit at the opposite end of the table
form Shampoo.
"Hey," greeted Daisuke.
"This stupid," Shampoo noted. "Should no have to put up with skinny-man."
"And in their debut performance," Hiroshi bulled ahead. "HSIEN-KO AND YOHKO
MANO!"
Two girls stepped onto the ramp, as the 'Ghostbusters' theme kicked in. The
big screen displayed their names, and in small type beneath, 'Courtesy of Kanzuki
Zaibatsu.'
"Sheesh. Get these people some better music," Daisuke critiqued.
Yohko wore a slinky red chinese dress with a yin-yang across the bosom. Her
brown hair had two braids, pulled up in gravity-defying rings, and she carried
an odd-looking sword. The weapon's hilt was shaped like blade of a small ax,
and both that blade and the main sword blade were squared-off, the cutting
edges blunted to the point of being for to dull to cut anything.
The other girl or, technically, ghost, Hsien-Ko, had blue skin and hair, wore
heavy robes of purple and blue, with yellow trim. She also wore a bowl-shaped
hat, from which a prayer ward dangled in her face. The sleeves of her robe were
immensely long and volumous, touching the floor, and from each, a large set of
metal claws jutted. The edges of each claw were capped by a rubber strip.
The pair moved down to the ring, and Yohko entered. On the Aensland side of
the equation, Lilith was waiting.
][ FIGHT #10
][ MORRIGAN AENSLAND/LILITH AENSLAND VS. HSIEN-KO/YOHKO MANO
][ FIGHT!!
"Oh, wow!," chirped Lilith. "That's a cool sword. I've got one, too."
She pulled a bokken out from... somewhere. "See?"
From the sidelines, Morrigan asked, "Where'd you get that, Lilith?"
"Touga-kun gave it to me, oneechan!" Lilith slashed at Yohko, giggling.
"Engarde!"
"A battle of blades," Hiroshi stated, rather than exclaimed, deciding not
to draw Lilith's attention to him.
"That's an odd choice for Morrigan," offered Mousse. "She's shorter
tonight, too."
"Mousse, that's Lilith."
"I knew that."
"As the 108th generation devil-hunter, I'll defeat you, demon!" Yohko
blocked the strike with her blade, and riposted. A slash, then parry. "That
Touga guy was cute, though," she noted, remembering an old episode of Ultra
she had caught.
Lilith nodded, dodging a thrust. "Very cute," she agreed. She lunged and
Yohko foiled her blade. "There's lots of good looking guys here." Waving
with her free hand, Lilith indicated the announcer's table. "Hiro-kun is
cute, but he's all celibate and stuff."
"I don't think we've seen a discussion on boys as a combat strategy
before," Daisuke commented. "Barring arguements about who got Ranma,
I mean."
Shampoo elbowed him in the ribs. "Quiet, stupid Daisuke."
Yohko lunged, while regarding Hiroshi. "I don't know. But the guy next
to him would be really nice if he took off those glasses." She parried a
blow from Lilith. "I bet he has nice eyes."
Mousse was lucky he was sitting far enough away, as Shampoo made plans to
hit him at that point.
This time, the demon and the devil-hunter locked blades. Staring into each
other's eyes, each tried to force the other down.
Lilith looked into Yohko's eyes, and found what she needed. "And then
there's Sephiroth...," she prompted.
Yohko released the clinch, and cheered. "WAI! Sephiroth-sama!"
No-one at the announcer's table really had a response to that.
With her opponent distracted by the thought of the spooky bishonen, Lilith
took the opportunity to smack her with her bokken.
Hsien-Ko sighed, reached in to tag Yohko's shoulder. The kid was skilled,
but sometimes... Swapping places with Yohko, Hsien readied herself...
...and found a rubber duck dressing in black and white stripes thrust in
her face.
"Squeak!"
Jack, at the other end of Mr. Duck, agreed. "Exactly. Mr. Duck has pointed
out that only one team member at a time is allowed in the ring." He reached
out and flipped the ofuda on Hsien-Ko's hat. Hsien slapped his hand away.
"I'm afraid I have to eject your friend from the arena," he said, mock
apologetically.
The ofuda in question detached itself from from Hsien-Ko, expanding as it fell.
A girl dressed in the robes of a Buddhist priest, complete with ceremonial cap,
landed in place of the spirit ward. Oddly, everything about her, from clothes
to skin, was the color of aged paper.
Bowing politely, Mei-Ling addressed Jack. "I really don't think you understand,
sir...," she began explaining.
The spiky-haired godling didn't let her finish. "Does this look like a face
that cares?," Jack asked. "Either you go and wait in the locker room, or I'll
rule to you forfeit the match."
Hsien-Ko and Mei-Ling exchanged a look, and finally, Mei nodded. Quietly, she
retreated backstage.
"OK. Fight!"
Shampoo pointed to the blue girl. "That one Kuang-Shi, ghost who is last
of family. Kuang-Shi hunt earth to avenge the death of their family."
"Cool," Hiroshi said. "It's better than the X-Files!"
While Jack had been bothering Hsien, Lilith swapped places with Morrigan.
The fight resumed. Hsien opened by throwing a selection of blunt objects from
her sleeves - bowling pins, a Buddha statue, and a boomerang. Morrigan ducked
under the projectiles, hitting Hsien with a slding kick.
"Poor Hsien-Ko," Morrigan said. "Are the bad ol' darkstalkers picking on you?"
Sweat trickled down Hsien-Ko's face. "Shut up, Morrigan." Hsien lashed out,
her claws flying at the succubus on long chains.
"Hsien-Ko's technique is very similar to your's, Mousse," observed Daisuke.
"Yeah, look at those chains!," Hiroshi concurred.
Mousse tried squinting through his glasses.
"Hmm..."
Morrigan took a hit to the hip. She flapped up to the top of a turnbuckle,
and watched Hsien-Ko. After a moment, she noted, "Why, Hsien, you're drenched
in sweat. You'd think you were having a problem." Which was true. Even
this short battle thus far had drained Hsien-Ko, who was sweating heavily now,
her breathing labored.
"Try this," Morrigan suggested. "CRYPTIC NEEDLE!"
Morrigan's wings twined into a single long spike, stabbing Hsien-Ko. From the
point of impact, the ghost's energy flowed back up Morrigan's wings, feeding the
demoness. Morrigan groaned in pleasure.
Hsien-Ko broke free of the Cryptic Needle, and whirled on the succubus. A huge
jagged edged sword was in her hands. Further, she looked frightening, her robes
tattered and ashen. Her skin had gone an unhealthy grey, and her eyes were
wide and staring.
"Die, darkstalker."
The sword buried itself in the turnbuckle Morrigan had been perched seconds before.
Morrigan tsk'ed. "Pathetic. What else could I expect from a whiny traitor
darkstalker like you?"
"Heeheeheehehehehe..."
Hsien-Ko's laugh was nasty, high-pitched and mad. A rictal grin broke across her
face.
"AAAAAAA!!," screamed Hsien, foaming. She rushed at Morrigan, claws out-stretched,
moving like a homicidal blender.
"I think you broke her," Jack noted. "THE WINNERS - MORRIGAN AND LILITH!" He
scrambled out of the ring, chuckling.
"Crooked! BOO!!" Hiroshi vocalized his opinions.
Morrigan jumped back, out of Hsien-Ko's range, and flapped over to Lilith. "Plan
C now, 'neechan?," Lilith asked.
"Yes, Plan C now."
"What Plan C?," Shampoo asked, confused.
The Aenslands stepped over, each grabbing one of Shampoo's arms. "This Plan C,"
Morrigan stated. The succubi's wings morphed into jet engines, lifting them over
the ring.
In the ring, Hsien-Ko was re-orienting, trying to find some to berserker attacker
with her blunted claws. Morrigan and Lilith obliged by dropping Shampoo directly
into her claws.
The two succubi took off, laughing. Jack and the two hellangels made a mad dash
for backstage, racous laughter following after.
In Shampoo's case, what followed was a text-book example of the phenomena known
as a juggle, followed by Hsien-Ko batting her into section EE-5, Seat 3.
"SHAMPOO!!," cried Mousse, taking off to aid Shampoo avoiding over-eager fans.
Having lost one thing to maul, Hsien-Ko oriented on the nearest hurtable things.
"Aaaarrrrrggg!!," she stated, spotting the announcers.
"Get down!," Daisuke shouted, pulling Hiroshi under the table. Nasty metal claws
went through the spot the two clones had occupied seconds before.
"Thanks, man. I owe you," Hiroshi stated. "I hope we're safe--" Heavy thumps
interupted him, followed by the sound of squealing metal. "Guess not." Hiroshi
closed his eyes as Hsien-Ko's claws ripped the announcer's table to bits.
"Rei, I hope you were right..."
Hsien-Ko's next blow bounced harmlessly off a shining hexagon of energy.
Daisuke goggled. "What the hell?"
"Nnn," Hiroshi grunted, sweating.
The doors to the arena's auxiliary entrance opened, and a bright red machine
resembling a hybrid of a tank and a crab rolled into the arena. A pair of pinchers
waved in front, snapping. A loudspeaker on the mech kicked in.
"Let's get her, Feldynaught!," yelled Ultra's security chief, Tron Bonne, over
the speaker.
"Here comes Tron Bonne in the Big Red Machine!," shouted Daisuke, heart-gripping
fear causing him to get momentarily excited. It also sparked a lawsuit by the
WWF, but that was later.
Hsien-Ko batted at the machine, claws pinging ineffectively off its legs. A
pincer snagged her in its grip, pinning her arms to her sides.
Daisuke nudged Hiroshi's shoulder. "You can stop now," he informed his friend.
Both the AT Field and Hiroshi collapsed, the white haired one flopping back on
the arena floor. He stared at the ceiling for a minute.
"My brain hurts now," he noted.
"Let's cut to a commercial," suggested Daisuke, sweatdropping.
* * *
An industrial park of bland white buildings. A small blue sign bears the Wizards
of the Coast logo. A pair technicians blue cover-alls walk by. So does a Viking.
"Here at the Wizards of the Coast research center, skilled technicians work to
simulate every possible Magic: The Gathering game."
A lab in the facilities. Two blue cover-all technicians are playing Magic, as
a bunch of lab-coated scientist watch. They flop down their cards.
Raging Goblin.
Juzam Djinn.
The senior scientist places the phone call.
"Get me the Juzam Djinn and the Raging Goblin." Pause. "What? The goblin's
still out sick? Call in Bob, from accounting." Another pause. "What? Bob's
still in the hospital? Call in Dan, from Ultra."
A cavernous steel-plated testing chamber. Dan Hibiki enters, shaking his
mighty fist, crying tears of manly might.
"OYAJI!"
On the opposite side of the chamber, huge doors slide open. The Juzam Djinn
enters. A huge green genie with black horns and a heavy ring through it's nose,
the Juzam Djinn is large enough to have Dan as a bite-sized snack.
"You will fall before the mighty iron fists of Stone Cold Dan Hibiki! YAHOOIE!"
The scientists stand in an observation booth above the chamber. Below, sounds
of incredible carnage can be heard, along with Dan's shouted taunts and occasional
high-pitched screams of pain. The Juzam Djinn's deep, rumbling laughter echoes.
The head scientist reaches a decision.
"I think this round goes to the Djinn!"
* * *
Like most of the practitioners of it's art, the Shotokan dojo was squeaky
clean. Benches polished, weights shined, gi's neatly pressed. Even the
sparring ring was cleaned of the occassional spatters of blood.
Well, all those shotokan clones had to do something to earn their keep.
The presance of a pair of ragged girls, straight from the last match, marred
the effect considerably.
Two more females made it a quartet. One of which was considerably upset.
"What am I paying you people for?," Karin barked. "That was a disaster! A
farce! Those slatterns beat you without breaking a sweat. It's embarassing.
You were lucky that that Bonne girl is so easy to bribe. You're besmirching
the honor of Kanzuki Zaibatsu!"
Hsien-Ko slouched on a bench, her arms phased through the sleeves of her robes
and crossed over her chest, recovered from her earlier episode. Getting back
in close proximity to Mei-Ling helped. Her sister's protective magic served to
ward off the darkstalker part of her nature.
Currently, she was not in the best of moods. "I thought your lose to Sakura
was a bigger mark on your honor," she stated acidly
Karin stalked over and slapped Hsien. "Hold your tongue. My problem with
that peasant girl is my business. Do you want to go back to wandering around
China, avoiding that Raptor creep?"
"..." Hsien ignored Karin, staring off into a corner.
"I thought not," Karin continued. Producing a contract, she read, "As the
selected employees of Phantom Quest Corporation, a sub-division of Kanzuki
Zaibatsu, the three of you have been contracted out to the Orochi Resistance
Organization. Your job is to develop and execute a supernatural and/or mystic
means of dealing with the spiritual entity know as Orochi. You are required to
complete this service prior to the beginning of the fourth season of Ultra."
Karin set down the contract. "Any questions?"
Mei-Ling nodded. "I think we all understand fine."
Yohko, sitting on the bench with Hsien, raised her hand. "I have a question!"
"Yes?"
"We are allowed to hunt other devils while we take care of this contract,
right?," asked Yohko.
"If you want," shrugged Karin. "Just complete the contract as stated."
"Sugoi!," Yohko exclaimed. She jumped up and grabbed Mei and Hsien by the hands.
"Come on, guys! I've got a great idea!" The three demon-hunters disappeared
out the door.
Karin watched the ghost-busters leave and sighed. Finding a suitable puching
bag, Karin vented. Fists and feet slamming into the bag, Karin examined the
Sakura problem.
She had to avenge her defeat at Sakura's hands, and restore her honor.
'Be the winner at everything.' That was the Kanzuki clan's motto, and Karin
was failing to live up to it. First failing against Haohmaru, then her plan
with Shingo falling through. Now the Orochi possessed Sakura, delaying her
victory.
That was why Karin had aligned herself with ORO. Return Sakura to normal,
challenge and defeat her on her own field of battle. A simple plan.
The plan to use Shingo as a means to defeat Sakura especially irked her. After
going nowhere, she finally latched on to an excuse, and let Shingo go. The idea
of letting a surrogate defeat Sakura, and on a technicality no less, went against
Karin's code of honor. Shingo just ceased being a useful pawn, that's all.
...Karin smiled slightly. "You've already done
what I wanted you to do."...
..."I don't see why not. You've fulfilled the
terms of our contract." Karin grinned slightly.
"You've earned that money. You did a great job
out there."...
...As Karin walked out the door, she turned
around and smiled. "No, Shingo. Thank you."...
Honestly, it wasn't like she was getting a crush on a peasant boy.
Karin slammed a ki-charged palm-strike into the punching bag, snapping the
chain and splitting the bag.
No matter how nice he was.
* * *
Dan was ready. Dan was mighty. Dan was...
...washing his hands. Good hygene was important to a skilled martial
artist. And to Dan, as well.
Drying on a paper towel, Dan exited the men's room. It was time to do
battle. To roll, to taunt, to exercise the skills of the mighty Saikyo-ryuu.
First, however, it was time to talk to the woman in the bunny suit.
"Dan-san!," greeted Kasumi, smiling as soon as she saw him. "How are you
doing?"
Dan bowed politely. "I'm doing well, Kasumi-san. I wanted to thank you
for asking Master splinter to show me the Cur-Li manuever. While no match
for the might of Saikyo style and Stone Cold Dan Hibiki, Stooge-Fu is a
worthy art."
"Why thank you," Kasumi beamed. "I was happy to help."
"Now, I must go and do battle with my fellow warrior Sakura," stated Dan,
flexing his arm to taunt his enemy where ever she might be. "The victory
of Stone Cold Dan Hibiki is assured! OYAJI!!"
Dan departed for the arena to do battle.
"Good luck, Dan-san!," Kasumi called after him, waving.
Oh well. His heart was in the right place.
* * *
The pink fireworks could only mean one thing.
"It's Stone Cold Dan Hibiki Time!," Hiroshi cheered.
Dan rolled from back-stage, a whirling ball of spinny pink. The crowd
cheered, because if nothing else, Dan put on a good show. Rolling down the
ramp, Dan entered the ring.
There was a sad rubber-band type noise as Dan crushed into the ropes,
entangling himself in them.
"While Dan extricates himself, let's introduce our other competitor,"
Daisuke said. Black cherry petals began to drift from some undefined
point near the ceiling. "Sakura Kusagano."
In one corner of the ring, yet another of the Orochi's black disks appeared.
Sakura stepped into the ring, oddly menacing in her black leather fuku.
"Scary," noted Hiroshi.
"Not really. She's a school-girl in a tacky uniform," replied Daisuke.
"Nothing scary about that."
"I mean, it's scary that she's sixteen and wears black leather better
than Sofia."
During this byplay, Dan had managed to disentangle himself for the ropes.
Taunting with the skilled ease of a seasoned professional, Dan addressed
Sakura. "Prepare yourself, Sakura, for the mighty might of Dan Hibiki shall
free you from the grip of the Orochi! OYAJI!"
* * *
In the lounge of SOS/ORO/ETC. dojo (not the area where Karin was having
a nice quiet hissy fit), Ken looked up from the TV.
"Gourry, I thought you were supposed to tell Dan about Karin's plan."
"Ano.. I was?"
* * *
][ FIGHT #11
][ EVIL SAKURA KASUGANO VS. DAN HIBIKI
][ FIGHT!!
Dan opened in classic shotokan style with a fireball. "GADOUKEN!," he
shouted, releashing the watery-looking ball of fire. It piffled out
when Sakura countered with a dark purple Hadoken.
Sakura entered with a jab, which cracked against Dan's face. Too
fast, she followed with four sharp kicks to the gut.
Dan stumbled back and regrouped. "Doshita doshita!" Dan rushed in,
his leg sweeping out to catch Sakura. Sakura leapt over the sweep, her
knee clocking Dan one more time.
"Idiot," Sakura identified.
"Ah! My student, how far you have fallen!," wept Dan. The forearm
came up, taunting. "The fierce pummeling of Dan's fists and feet of
righteous iron will will save you!"
"Since when was Sakura Dan's student?," Daisuke wanted to know.
"Street fighting is like that," Hiroshi noted. "Lots of different stories
and rumors running around. It's like trying to track down video game
continuity."
Dan leapt at Sakura, legs flailing like a chicken thrown off a barn roof.
"DAN DAN BOOT TO THE HEAD!"
"Wham!," said Dan's foot, hitting Sakura in the temple.
The Orochi tainted shotokanist stumbled, going to one knee. She snarled,
looking at where Dan was rolling around in a congratulatory taunt.
Sakura took the big opening in Dan's defense to dash in and hit with a
blurring flying hurricane kick.
"SHUNPUUKYAKU!"
Dan fell down, went boom... and bounced up *again*, despite sporting a
bloody nose. "YOSH! You can not defeat the might of Dan Hibiki!," he
boasted.
Sakura favored Dan with a withering look. "The Void awaits," she stated,
punching Dan in the nose. Dan clutched his offended extremity, making
high-pitched noises of unhappy painfulness.
As if on cue (possibly because it was a cue), fellow Orochi minions Shermie
and Yashiro appeared, running in from backstage. The duo, armed with
steel folding chairs, climbed into the ring. The pair of Orochi tainted
fighters moved in quickly, slamming their weapons in Dan from behind, to
his head and back.
Dan fell like the Roman empire.
Sakura applied boot to ribs, in the time honored tradition of 'kick 'em
while they're down.' Shermie and Yashiro did likewise.
"The Void is mauling Stone Cold Dan Hibiki here, folks!," Hiroshi shouted,
possibly for the benefit of the blind.
The stomp-the-pink-guy contest finished, the Orochi-blooded fighters
stepped back. Sakura addressed the crumpled Hibiki as more black cherry
blossoms filled the air.
"This is the reward for opposing the will of the Void." Finished, the
Diciples of the Void departed, heading back up the ramp and returning
backstage.
* * *
Watching the television, the members of ORO considered this.
"Somehow, ah think chere gone and fed us a line," Gambit noted.
Ryu looked at the black chunk of rock which sat on a table in front of
the couch.
"So what purpose does this serve in Orochi's plan...?"
* * *
"What a match!! You saw it here first, ladies and gentlemen," Hiroshi
announced. "Yet another step in the war between the Void and ORO!"
"Moving right along, in hopes that we'll avoid any further possible danger to
life and limb," Daisuke commented, "Tonight's final event is the Omega Gauntlet."
Continuing clinically, he stated, "All Omega fighters who have not participated
in tonight's bouts and are not otherwise occupied will be facing off. After
each match-up, the winner goes up against a new opponent entered into the
playing field. The last fighter standing wins."
"SO HANG ON TO YOUR DRAWERS, BECAUSE THIS GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE!!" Hiroshi
was excited like the sun was warm, the ocean was wet, and Bill Gates was evil.
"If you say so, Hiroshi. Just get to the fight."
* * *
The food in Heaven was Good. By definition, most things here were. For instance,
the popcorn Lina inverse was currently eating was excellent. Gourmet quality,
each kernel popped, brilliant white and fluffy, perfectly salted and buttered.
Watching the television in Aeris' living room, Lina munched on said popcorn.
Aeris, just back from running an errand for Jack, watched as well, eating from
her own bowl of popped yumminess.
Lina waved a hand at the television set. "See? Look at that," she grumped.
"An Omega Gauntlet. I should be down there, kicking ass, winning the belt through
the use of high-powered destructive magics, and stomping Orochi a new mudhole."
She flicked a pop-corn kernel at the tv, where it bounced off Hiroshi's face,
leaving a little greasy stain. "Being dead sucks."
Aeris smiled. "Don't worry, Lina. Naga-san and Darshu-san are working hard
on that. Wait just a little longer..."
* * *
][ OMEGA GAUNTLET MATCH
][ FIGHT #12
][ AKUMA VS. EVA-02 (ASUKA SORYUU LANGLEY) VS. GALLY VS. IFURTIA VS. MEGAMAN VS.
][ OROCHI VS. SEPHIROTH
][ FIGHT!!
The town of Silent Hill, cloaked in a heavy coat of fog, floated in a void.
The sleepy village, physically torn from the real world and cast into a pocket
universe, was devoid of inhabitants. A light snowfall dusted the eerily silent
streets.
On Bachman St., two portals blinked open, disgorging two warriors. Akuma stood
stoically, arms folded over his chest. Ifurita stood, clutching her Power Key.
The battle began.
"..."
"......"
"............"
".................."
Deciding that out-silencing Ifurita was losing game, Akuma went on the offensive.
Akuma opened with a flaming punch, followed by an ax-kick. A palm strike to
the jaw knocked Ifurita back into a street lamp, with enough force to snap it
in half.
"Technique #1244 - Shotokan-ryuu martial arts. Reflect. Hadoken."
A ball of gray fire hit Akuma.
Ifurita and Akuma charged, clashed, exchanging blows. Punches and kicks,
fireballs, levitating hurricane kicks, and flaming upper-cuts. Shotokan stuff.
The pair teleported away, taking positions across the empty street from
each other.
"..." Akuma not yelled, releasing one, two, three Gou Hadokens. Ifurita
blinked away from each of the shots, returning fire. The demonic shotokaner
teleported away, once, twice... and was nailed squarely between the
shoulders by the third, as Ifurita anticipated his pattern.
Akuma growled. Ifurita was silent.
Silence hung thick.
The combatants rushed together. Flaming kanji reading 'Jingoku' and 'Makoto'
sprang up in the air. Collision of the Instant Hell Murders. Red and gray
energy exploded, shattering nearby buildings.
Pulling herself from the remains of a cafe, a heavily singed Ifurita
scanned for her opponent.
Akuma did not arise. A portal opened around him, drawing him back to the
UltraDome.
Ifurita levitated shakily, and moved into the street. Listing a bit,
Ifurita floated away from the freshly demolished building. Through the
fog, a portal could just barely be seen opening. A figure emerged and
dashed into a nearby park. Ifurita persued.
Entering the park, Ifurita scanned, seeking her opponent. Observing no sign
of him, she moved further into the wooded area.
A bullet gouged a hole in the tree next to her.
Dropping from a treetop, Megaman sprayed bullets from his arm buster. Ifurita
took to the air, throwing up an energy shield. The shield wavered and crackled,
as machine gun slugs bounced off it.
"Sorry, about this, miss," Megaman called. He quickly fitted a new weapon
part to his arm buster. Dashing out of range of a energy blast that left
a large crater in the park, Megaman backed on the street.
Ifurita landed. And stumbled, leaning on the Power Key for support.
Megaman seized the opportunity. A shining beam of coherent light burst from
the muzzle of his gun, striking Ifurita's shield. Pressure poured against it,
as it flared and crackled... and finally snapped. Megaman's laser smashed
Ifurita through the wall of a nearby building, which collapsed, burying the
lovely war machine.
"Hope that wasn't too harsh on her..."
THUD THUD THUD. The ground shook under Megaman's feet.
Turning, he saw a huge form crossing a nearby bridge. The brilliant red of
EVA-02 shone through the haze of fog and snow. The Eva's external speaker
kicked in.
"Hey, pipsqueak! Get over here, so I can kick your little blue butt,"
Asuka commanded.
Changing buster settings, Megaman dashed toward the giant mech, launching
a volley of heat-seeking missiles. The bombs burst against ineffectually
on the Eva's torso. The Evangelion's speed picked up, jogging toward Megaman.
Megaman, no fool, took off running.
Unfortunately, the giant robot's longer legs allowed it to catch up with him
in a few seconds. Asuka proceeded to stomp on Megaman like a bug.
Grabbing a parked car, Asuka scraped the crumpled blue bomber off the bottom
of her foot. "Dumkopf," Asuka sniffed. "He should have known he couldn't
defeat me! Who's next?"
Rhetorical questions got answered when a portal popped into existance on a
street some distance away. A small figure emerged, duster flapping. Gally
dashed into a nearby alleyway.
Asuka stormed after her. Reaching the juncture of the street and alley,
Asuka found no sign of her opponent. Straightening to survey her surroundings,
Asuka called, "Come out, come out leibchic! I only want to kick your butt!"
She began to move away, searching.
At that moment, one of the piles of ripening trash bags exploded, the
hunter-warrior hidden beneath moving toward her target at incredible speeds.
Unit-02 swung around, foot upraised, ready to stomp the young cyborg flat.
The Eva's foot came down...
Gally leapt, aiming high...
Asuka missed, as Gally latched onto the giant's ankle. Moving more swiftly
than seemed possible, she began scaling the Eva's leg. Asuka, however, was
a step behind.
"Hey! Where'd she go?," Asuka exclaimed, examining the bottom of her Eva's
foot for squashed robot bits.
"She's on your side, Asuka!," Misato's voice came over the speakers. "Extend
your AT Field!"
"RogeAAAAAAAH!"
As Asuka replied, a battering ram cloaked in burning plasma tore through
Unit-02's right arm, as Gally leapt from her perch on the machine's right
flank, piercing and tearing the shoulder joint. The right arm dangled
uselessly, attached to the bulk of the Eva by stray tubing and cables and
strange sinews. Gally, drenched in the blood of the imprisoned angel,
landed on its shoulder.
As Asuka's screamed in pain, Gally launched herself again, her fists
projecting burning auras of super-heated plasma. Arcing downward, her fists
sliced through Unit-02's left arm, severing it at the elbow.
Armless, Evangelion Unit-02 fell bonelessly to the ground, pilot unconscious
from shock. A portal irised open bearing the giant mecha back to Central
Dogma.
Gally got up from the blood-slick street. Examining herself, she found her leg
lightly damaged, but otherwise she was fine. Probably got caught by that last
arm as it fell, she thought. She returned her attention to finding her next
opponent.
Gally moved down the fog-shrouded street, beyond the range of the battle
with the Evangelion. A residential area nearby caught her eye. Down the
long rows of houses, the flat blue disk of a portal appeared. A man in black
stepped forth, his long white hair blowing in the snow-dusted wind.
Sephiroth scowled. "A little girl. Everywhere I turn, I am faced with these
children, handing me defeat." He drew the Masamune. "No more."
Gally faced the swordsman. Bringing up her fists, igniting plasma jets
around them, she stood her ground. "You can try."
"Indeed. Brave child." Sephiroth smirked. "Bolt."
Streams of electricity danced around Gally, overloading and fusing circuits.
Gally felt motor relays lock up, the stink of burnt wiring. A leather-gloved
hand closed around her throat.
Sephiroth lifted Gally. Addressing the limply dangling hunter-warrior, he
informed her, "A lesson, girl, in the gentle art of slaughter." The
psycho-SOLDIER (not to be confused with certain unwilling pawns of Shadowlaw)
tossed her into the air like a rag-doll.
The Masamune flashed.
In a shower of sparks, Gally fell to the ground. Gally's legs, victim of
Sephiroth's blade, fell in a heap beside her. Sephiroth nodded, pleased with
his work.
Gally lifted herself, glaring at Sephiroth. "You haven't beat me. I can s
till take you." Somewhere, someone made a Monty Python joke.
The scion of Jenova ignored her. "A final touch..."
He held out his hand, a orb of black energy gathering there. Suddenly, both
the energy and Sephiroth fading away. The sky darkened.
Gally was frozen, as thousands of bats filled the sky, merging into a single
black orb, hanging above the street. Its surface rippled, dripped, and vomitted
forth a nightmare. The creature, a great demon, bat-faced, bat-winged, stood
serenely for a moment, before thrusting is hand into the sky to clutch the black
orb floating above. Space warped, twisting as the black lord hurled the orb
of massed spacetimegravity. The sphere moved reality folding behind it. The
black mass passed over Gally crushburncompresstwisting her, energy building.
The orb touched the ground, warping it, the pavement breaking up...
A snapping rush, time unhinging, chunks of the street being drawn into the
budding black hole. Gally saw the street, lawns, houses, one of her arms,
buildings, snow and fog, dirt, swirling down into the gravity well. Everything
falling away.
Silent Hill was gone.
A void, black and unformed, remained. Sephiroth and Gally floated in empty space.
"Die," stated Sephiroth. His eyes glittered as he raise the great katana
overhead. It descended in a glittering arc...
...and was caught, whap, between Goku's palms.
"Destruction of the world and/or universe is a technical foul," Goku stated.
"Beat it, buddy. You're disqualified."
"..." Sephiroth glared. "I will defeat all who challenge me. I demand a battle
worthy of me. Next time." With that, Sephiroth faded out.
Goku floated over to pick up Gally. The girl was a mess, robotic limbs torn
away by Sephiroth's attacks, oil and other fluids leaking copiously. "Come on,
kid," the referee said, picking the cyborg up. "Let's get you home."
Gally touched Goku's arm with her one good hand. "...who won?," she rasped.
"You did, kid, you did." Goku smiled a bit. "Good job." A portal opened in
the non-space, and Goku stepped through.
"Hang on, I've got a senzo bean on me somewhere..."
* * *
"......" Hiroshi said.
"..." agreed Daisuke.
"...That was certainly gut-wrenchingly violent," ventured Hiroshi.
"Extremely." A flunky passed Daisuke a note. "Well, it seems Jack is
supporting Goku's ruling, and the Omega Belt goes to Gally." Hiroshi read
over Daisuke's shoulder.
"And don't worry folks!," Hiroshi added. "Everyone's doing fine. The
infirmary staff is treating injuries, repairs to Unit-02 are underway, and
Washuu assures us that Gally will be back on her feet by next week!"
Daisuke quirked an eyebrow at that. "That's an awful optimistic prognosis."
"It's all par for the course at ULTRA!! That's all the time we have
tonight, so for Daisuke, myself, and everyone here at ULTRA, GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYONE!"
* * *
In the black non-space left by the destruction of the pocket dimension where
the town of Silent Hill had been, a figure wreathed in purple flame floated.
The Orochi was displeased. True, the pocket dimension had returned to it's
true state, becoming a part of the Void. But, he had been denied the
opportunity to face a challenger, to end an existance by allowing one to be
consumed by the Void.
Soon, then.
A flicker of purple fire, and Orochi was gone.
* * *
The UltraDome could be described in many ways. Bright. Noisy. Loud. Packed.
Insane. Dangerous. Many nights, this was true.
But at 3am, after the show was over and the janitorial crews had cleaned up
the spilt popcorn and soda, those words were not the case. Dark. Quiet.
Empty.
"Come out, come out, Mr. Security Guard!"
Lilith was looking for a midnight snack. The midnight snack that had, not
particularly wanting to have his soul used for light dining, fled the UltraDome.
And the country. He was currently in Belize and headed south.
Lilith continued searching, unaware of those details. Moving down the hall,
she wondered if maybe she should try something different. Maybe there's a
janitor around, she thought. Or maybe I can try the dorms--
*clink*
The noise caught Lilith's attention. She moved toward the source.
*clink*
The noise was coming from a nearrby storeroom. Lilith smiled. That silly
guard, thinking that hiding would keep him safe. She opened the door...
*clonk*
An iron ball on the end of a chain smacked her in the face. Lilith took a
short trip to Sleepyville.
Hsien-Ko hopped down of the shelf she had perched on, pulling the ball
and chain back into her sleeve. "That was simple," she noted.
Yohko and Mei-Ling stepped out of the storeroom, as well. "Yohko, have you
got the item?," Mei-Ling asked.
The devil-hunter pulled a strip of paper from somewhere. "Got it right
here!," she cheered, waving the ofuda. "You guys hold her down."
Hsien-Ko and Mei-Ling each grabbed an arm and a leg, pinning Lilith on the
floor. Had the demonette been conscious, this would have definitely been
construed the wrong way. Yohko leaned in, draping the spirit ward over
Lilith's forehead.
The ward, littered with kanji and small translation along the bottom reading,
'Ofuda of Reverse Alignment, +3 vs. Succubi ((C) TSR, Inc. 1999),' began to
glow. Shining with brilliant white light, the ward sank, merging into the
young succubus. In a moment, it disappeared.
"Did it work?," Yohko asked.
Hsien-Ko straightened up. "Only one way to find out," she stated. She shook
Lilith's shoulders. "Hey, twirp! Wake up." Lilith's eyes fluttered.
"Oneechan... I wanna ride the ponies...," she mumbled. And lo, the three
demon-hunters did sweatdrop.
"How do you feel, miss?," Mei-Ling asked.
"Um... OK." Lilith's brain did a review of events, trying to figure out
where it had stopped. Lilith latched on to something. "Wah! I was sooo
mean to Hiro-kun tonight! I have to apologize!"
Grabbing the hands of her attackers, Lilith blurred through a series of
handshakes.
"ThankyousomuchIwasawickedwickedgirlIhavetogobye!"
Half a second later, there was a Lilith-shaped space in the air, as the
junior Aensland departed to inflict her idea of apologies on Hiroshi.
Yohko shared a glance with her companions.
"Well, I guess it worked."
* * *
"Look at the size of these hazard pay bonuses, Daisuke!"
"Cool. We can buy real estate..."
* * *
][ ULTRA EPISODE #26 RECAP:
][ LILITH def. HIROSHI, wins HARDCORE BELT, now TWO TIME HARDCORE CHAMP
][ MARLO/MORRIGAN def. SOFIA/JOHNNY CAGE, no status change
][ WASHUU def. DARK SCHNEIDER, now 6W/3L
][ DISCIPLES OF THE VOID def. PIKACHU/BLANKA, now 1W/1L
][ MR. SATAN def. IORI YAGAMI, still GAMMA CHAMPION, now 5W/0L
][ MR. SATAN gets a HAIRCUT
][ KUNOU/HAOHMARU def. MAI/ANDY, now 2W/0L
][ EVA-01/SHINJI IKARI def. EVA-00, now 3W/3L
][ PSYCHO SOLDIERS def. ASH/MISTY, now 2W/0L
][ RANMA def. SHINGO, now 6W/3L
][ HSIEN-KO/YOHKO MANO (w/Mei-Ling) enter Lambda Division
][ MORRIGAN/LILITH def. HSIEN-KO/YOHKO MANO, now 4W/3L
][ HIROSHI learns that THINGIE with the AT Field
][ SAKURA def. STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI, now 6W/2L
][ GALLY wins Omega Gauntlet by default, now OMEGA CHAMPION and 3W/0L
][ Next scheduled author: John Evans
* * *
Author's Notes
Thanks to the following:
* Twoflower, of course for creating and supporting Ultra.
* Jesse Ellman, for sharing his notes on his part, so I could get a
head-start on this.
* The past authors of Ultra, for 25 parts of the most entertaining
thing I've found on the 'net.
* #Improfanfic, for their support
* GameFAQs, the video-game fanfic writer's ultimate crib sheet
* All the people whom I cajed computer time off of
FIN