"And then there was the time I managed to pants half of San Antonio. Ah, those were the days. Right, Mr Duck?" "*Squeak*." "Ah, those were the days. So, Killer, what are you in for?" Jack looked over at his current roomie. 'Killer' was seven feet tall, and looked very much like he should be doing bad bad things to Jack. When he found out he'd be rooming with the mildly famous Controversial Jack he had fully intended on making sure Jack knew who was boss. And then Jack started talking. Jack went into great details about his many escapades, and 'Killer' was currently huddled in a corner, in standard fetal postion. Jack eyed him for a moment. "I guess you're not the talkative type, then. Ah, well. Can I have top bunk?" Jack's eyes gleamed. Killer cowered, nodding his assent. "Woohoo! Last one to bed is a rotten eg--" "Mr. Lysias, you have visitors." An unassuming guard stepped in front of the cell. Killer sighed with relief as Jack was lead out of the cell. Well, not lead, exactly. He was more rolled, on one of those Hannibal Lecter devices complete with mouth guard. After the guards deposited him into a visiting room, Jack gazed on the faces of Daisuke and Karin. "Daisuke! Karin! What a surprise." Jack looked almost giddy. "Jack, do you really think you can take down Nabiki?" Daisuke looked pensive and serious, as opposed to cynical and bitter. "Boy, I tell ya, I've never been so sure since I put my deodorant on!! This isn't just going to be revenge. This isn't just going to be sadistic. This is going to be *fun*." Jack's eyes gleamed like a wolf hunting a lesser animal. "My lawyers are very confident. They believe, with your help, Nabiki Tendo will be incarcerated for an extended amount of time. However, your full cooperation will be required. You're to be released in two weeks time." Karin coughed into her palm. "Hot damn! And not a second too soon, either. Killer was freaking boring..." Jack shook his head, sadly. "Killer?" Daisuke raised his eyebrow. "Yeah, my roomate. Really nervous guy. Guess prison has made him weak." "....Right." Daisuke tried to ignore the sweatdrop forming on the side of his head. "Hey, shouldn't you be announcing tonight?" Jack gave Daisuke a curious look. "Nope. They're trying something new tonight. Sana and Hiroshi." Daisuke folded his arms. "Jumpin' Jesus! Are you serious??!" Jack watched Daisuke's head nod, "Wow. I think I'm afraid." ----------------------------- Nabiki Tendo had a damned nice office. Everything was not only expensive, but really expensive. The ball point pens on the desk had gold trims. Her chair was made of 100% calf leather. The desk required the substantial depletion of the rainforest. She had a lovely two piece suit made for her specially by Ms. Shiffon herself. Everything was perfect. So why did she feel so uneasy? <<"It seems to me that you're having some problems with Ultra, and I could use another toy. How much would you be willing to sell it for?">> Bison's disturbingly deep voice echoed in her head. She had no intention of selling Ultra to him. But because she had to say that to his face, she was sweating bullets. Nabiki wiped the sweat off her brow, and pushed an intercom button on her desk. "Please get Tarou to my office, please." The attendant on the other end gave a quick babbling reply and the intercom was silent. Silence. She knew he was going to contact her. She had to keep a game face on, no matter what the cost. She couldn't let him intimidate her. Right. She couldn't let a monstrous gang-lord intimidate her. She pushed the intercom button once more, "Tarou, get in here immediatley." Tarou walked in the door, looking pissed, which was business as usual, "What's up, boss?" Tarou calmly sat down across from the body he was assigned to guard. "The show is in an hour, right?" "Yeah. Same crap time, same crap channel." "Good. Who's fighting tonight?" Nabiki rubbed her temples. "Um...Isn't that *your* job?" Tarou folded his arms. "Don't remind me." "You feeling alright? You're not your usual, 'professional' self." "I've had a lot on my mind. Card. Card." Nabiki continued to massage her temples. "How about we throw Morrigan a bone. Give her and her kid sister a shot against Wolverine an' Sakura. Mixed tag match, kinda. And Morrigan can't be filed for sexual harrassment or nothin' because it's in a match. Plus, Hiroshi's announcing tonight, and it's fun to watch him squirm away from the freaky little kid.." Tarou put his hands behind his head. Nabiki nodded, "Just go with that for tonight. I'm assuming some idiots will call out some other idiots. Allow whatever matches happen to go on for tonight. Just make sure we don't lose any of our belts," Nabiki shot Tarou a look that could make potatoes explode. "There's the employer we all know. I'm on it." Tarou walked out the door. Nabiki reclined in her seat. Now all I have to do is wait for that psychotic to randomly pop up in my office. Great, she thought. Just great. ----------------------------- LIVE! FROM THE Ultradome! THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AND IMPROFANFIC! IT'S TIME FOR... { M A G I C A L T R O U B L E S H O O T I N G } { C R O S S O V E R F I G H T I N G } { F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } { http://www.mtcffultra.com } Episode 56: When the going gets tough, the tough get random. Let's have a little experiment. Go out, and buy some coffee mix, a pound and a half of raw cane sugar, two party bags of pixie sticks, Surge, Jolt, a fifth of vodka, Goody's headache powder, and some meth- amphetamines. Now, put them all into a really, really big bowl with some hot water and let simmer for a good hour or so. Get yourself a big, hearty glass of this mixture, and drink it down. Assuming your heart hasn't exploded, you're well on your way to having half as much energy as Sana and Hiroshi. "LADIES!" Sana began. "AND!" Hiroshi continued., "GENTLEMEN!" Sana looked to Hiroshi. "ARE YOU READY FOR A LITTLE...ULTRAVIOLENCE?!?!?!" The two echoed. The roar of the crowd was loud enough to cause deaf people to hear,and then go right back to being deaf again. Everyone was pumped and excited, and ready for a night filled with violence, gore, and fanservice. Signs crowded the audience like lights of a city. The camera zoomed in on the "I'M A SATANIST" sign. A young fan with a big fake afro on waved the sign up and down like a madman. Several rows above, an entrie group of people spelled out "TEAM ROCKET" with 10 different signs. Fans wore their over priced Ultra merchandise with pride. Such as the ever popular "I'm a Dan Fan shirt" and new shirts like the new "PREPARE FOR TROUBLE" and "MAKE IT DOUBLE" matching T-Shirt set for couples. "Hello, and I'm Sana Kurata teaming tonight with Hiroshi, and right now we've got a great show lined up for you tonight!" Sana beamed with energy. "No doubt about it. Tonight, Morrigan and Lilith, the sisters of Succubi are going to take on Morrigan's intended plaything, Sakura, and the ol' Canuckllehead himself, Wolverine in a tag team grudge match!" "We all know that Sakura has been having her troubles with Morrigan in the past few months..." Sana began. "Problems meaning, Morrigan has been trying to have her way with Sakura. Get her in the sack. Do the horizontal hula. Make her squee--" "And tonight, Sakura intends to finish the score the best way she knows how!" Hiroshi sweatdropped, and cut Sana off before she could finish. "Panty shots?" Sana looked uquizzically at Hiroshi. "Beating the living crap out of her! And Wolverine still hasn't finished with Morrigan, either. After keeping him as a slave for several months, Wolverine isn't terribly pleased with Ms. Aensland." "Also up tonight, we have Iori going toe to toe with SPECIAL! MYSTERY! OPPONENT!" Sana emphasized each for Extra Dramatic Value(tm). "But first---" Sana would have continued to talk in an untelligibly fast voice, but she was cut off by loud music. And an engine roaring. And squealing tires. Bean Bandit, also known as the Roadbuster, was on his way to the ring. His car made it quickly down the ramp, at which point Bean managed to get it on two wheels, so he could drive it around the ring. "Amazing! After being disqualified by his GIRLFRIEND on last week's show, Bean is back, and boy does he look pissed off! Let's see what the Roadbuster has to say." Hiroshi looked to the ring. Bean parked his car at the foot of the ramp, and calmly stepped out. He took off his shades, and stepped over the top rope to get into the ring. A weasly looking ring attendant offered him a microphone, which he grabbed out of the poor guy's hand so hard his shoulder was probably yanked out of joint. "Marlo! I'll try to keep this simple. After last week's shot to the head, you must be thinking in small words." Bean paused to let the crowd cheer," I want a rematch, and kid, you better believe I want it right now." Bean walked to the front of the ring, and leaned against the ropes, lying in wait for Marlo. Marlo's music began to play, and the Furnityre Saviour walked onto the opening ramp. He didn't look amused. He pulled out a Laz-E Boy picked up a microphone, and sat down. "How about it, kid? You up for another beating?" Bean glared down the ramp at Marlo. "Bean, Bean, Bean. You haven't quite mastered the art of trash-talk, I see. Why should I give a rematch, anyways? Ms. Gazongas disqualified you last week. I don't think I should have to put up with you any more." "Leave Tifa out of this. This is between you and me, Semaj. Why don't you come down here and stop sitting up there like a damn puss--" "Ah, ah, Beano. Language. I have a few questions of my own, first. Why hasn't your girlfriend's spinal column split in half, yet? If she does push ups, does she really need her hands? Who enters the room first, her, or her--" "You're treading on dangerous ground, kid." Marlo put his hands to his mouth. "Gasp! No! Am I *offending* the great Bean Bandit? The Roadbuster? So tell me, is the big red car to make up for your tiny...No, I suppose that's a question I'd have to ask Tifa..." Bean growled, and leapt over the top rope. He stalked down the ramp glaring daggers of despise at Marlo. Marlo raised his hand and motioned for Bean to stop. "Careful there, buddy, let's just hold on for a second. We want a *fair* hardcore match so get back in that ring. Let's make a deal. If you win, you get the belt, but if I win, I get to use Tifa for a pillow. Sound fair?" Bean had heard enough. He ran down the ramp, fully intent on ripping Marlo's heart out. Marlo smiled, and watched as Bean sped towards him. [[HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH]] FIGHT #1 Marlo Semaj v. Bean Bandit Marlo watched as Bean quickly approached the Laz-E-Boy. He smiled, and forcibly knocked it over, using the force of the fall to roll off of the chair. He ran into the back, looking over his shoulder for Bean. Bean, as Marlo expected, really didn't notice the chair, and rather than side-stepping it, or jumping it, Bean ran straight through, leaving nothing but cushy apolstry and splintered wood. "Marlo is making Bean chase him! What could he possibly have in store for the Roadbuster?" Hiroshi looked on one of the little table monitors as the Ultracams followed the duo into the backstage area. =================== Tifa looked on the smallish tv in her locker area. The kid was going to try something. She knew it. The fans knew it, the announcers, and even the Country of Zimbabwe knew it. But she couldn't do a damned thing. Bean wasn't angry for her intereference. He had been rather condescending, however. She though back to a few hours previous. "Look, Teef, I know we're a team, but I don't need your help out there. He's a kid, first off, and he uses the HomeLife catalog for an aresenal. I have nothing to worry about. I'm going to get this title." "Bean, he's a devious little bastard," Tifa warned. "He's not that bad a fighter. He did manage to break my arm, even when he was cheating." "I know, but I'm made of a little sterner stuff than you are. I'll be fine." Bean adjusted his gloves. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" "Tifa, automated weaponry can't stop me. Why should a love seat?" Bean gave a dismissive wave. "What about Nabiki?" Tifa folded her arms. "What about her. All I need is for you to stay back here, no matter what, okay?" "Alright, fine. But don't come crying to me..." "I won't. I'll see you when the kid is just another skid mark, okay?" "Alright." And then they kissed, and then he went out to fight. But something still felt bad. *KNOCK*KNOCK* Tifa glanced at the door. The hell? "Come in." Yuffie Kisaragi bubbly walked in and sat next to Tifa. "Yo! Hey, how's your boyfriend's match going?" "He's fighting Marlo back stage." "Really. I hope he does a good job! Well, I'll see you later, Tifa." Yuffie grinned and walked towards the door. "Yuffie..." "What?" "You'd better not have taken anything. I still haven't forgiven you for last time..." "Me? Steal? Nah, ain't nothing of worth in here, anyways." Yuffie smiled, and hopped out the door. "That little..." Tifa checked her materia, and sighed with relief as she found they were all still in place. =================== "C'mon, Beany! Where are those Earth shattering fists tonight, big guy? You seem kinda slow!" Marlo taunted as he ducked another punch. Bean threw another right, leaving himself wide open for a coffee table to the sternum. He grunted, and grabbed Marlo by the lapels. Marlo fell backwards as Bean's forehead connected with his own. "Where's the jokes now, kid?" Bean snarled and punched Marlo in the stomach. Marlo stumbled back, but recoiled and swung a sofa at Bean. "The joke is your @#$%ing face, old man!" Marlo followed up by launching a microwave at Bean's head. Black and Decker, unfortunately, hasn't built the microwave that couldn't be punched through. Marlo ducked as his microwave came hurtling back towards him. "MISSED M-UMPH-" Marlo's cry was quickly silenced by boot to the head. Bean was sick and tired of playing games, and introduced Marlo to the wonders of the uppercut. Marlo began to notice the barnyard animals that were spinning around his head. "That was for Tifa's arm. This is for fun." Bean picked Marlo up, and hurled him back towards the entryway. Marlo skidded a few feet, and started running--No, not running, crawling really, really fast, towards the ring. =================== "Mousse, what are you watching? Mousse? Would you listen to me?" Shampoo waved her hand in front of his face. She spoke in their native Chinese. Japanese was an irritating language to have to use all the time. For once, Mousse didn't instantly reply to Shampoo talking to him. His eyes were glued to the screen. Bean kneed Marlo in the chest, Marlo shattered a Lawn Gnome over Bean's forehead. Mousse watched every movement. Hardcore. Violence. Anything is legal...Any weapon. "Mousse, why are you watching this?" Shampoo turned off the monitor, "We need to thinking about ourselves, not two idiots hitting each other with blunt objects. We haven't had a match in a while. We need to remind these peple that we're still great fighters! Strong, amazon warriors! Not to mention you should train for next week's Pay-Per-View." Shampoo chastised the bespectacled master of the art of hidden weapons. Mousse nodded, "I know! For you Shampoo, I will destroy every competitor in that ring! I will show them that my love for you can defeat any enemy!" Mousse beamed. Shampoo sweatdropped, but gave him a weak smile, "That's great. You keep that up, you'll win for sure. Now let's go train." "You go on ahead, my love, I'll be right there. I simply need to adjust my weaponry." Shampoo nodded, grabbed her Bonbori, and walked back out the door. Mousse waited until the door had shut. He didn't want to have to do this. He never wanted her mad at him, but...But he needed to study this further. Mousse turned the monitor back on, and watched Bean and Marlo fight. Hardcore. Violence. Any weapon is legal. Any weapon. Mousse smiled. =================== "Take another step, Bandit, and she gets it." Bean clenched his jaw. He had been kicking Marlo's ass. Marlo was getting mauled. And now...Damn. "You can't do this! I'm an announcer! I have...Protection, or something. Go away, you..you..." Sana whined. Marlo clutched his ribs as he held the refrigerator over the announce table. Bean remained a few feet away, seeing the intent in Marlo's eyes. "Don't like seeing people hurt kids, huh, Bean? Well, I'm sure you'd hate to see me drop this nasty, old refrigerator on top of our twelve-year old announcer, then, would you?" Bean clenched his fists, glaring at Marlo. "I'll give it to you Bean, you're stronger, faster, tougher. You're the 60 frickin million dollar man. But you're dumb, and you've got weaknesses, Bean. That makes you my bitch. Now, you're going to put your guard down, and I'm going to drop this refrigerator on top of you. Cool?" Bean continued to glare, but he put his fists at his sides. "Good boy. Now, this'll only hurt for a minute..." Marlo let the refrigerator fall, and watched as it descended towards Bean's skull. It was a very cartoon-like effect. One minute, there was a Bean there, the next minute, there wasn't. Just a refrigerator. Marlo waited for the ref to call the match, but started to sweat when he didn't. Noone could have taken that. Not even Godzilla over there, Marlo thought to himself. Noone. "Bean has been crushed by the refrigerator! What the hell is Marlo doing?" Hiroshi watched on. "He's threaening my life, the cray, dirty sonuva--" "Sana. Remember last week?" "Rassum-frassum...." Marlo walked to the refrigerator. Marlo opened the door to the refrigerator. Marlo skyrocketed away from the refrigerator as Bean's fist plowed into his nose. "My God! My God!" Hiroshi J.R'ed. "Yay, Bean!" Bean groggily stepped out of the refrigerator, looking all the worse for wear. Blood trickled down from the top of his head. He hit the side of his head until his eyes uncrossed themselves. He looked over to where Marlo was now getting up, and took long, dramatic steps towards the Fallen Furnityre Saviour. "My nose! My fricking nose. Son of a bitch probably broke my damned no---Oh, shit." Marlo tried to swing a folding chair at Bean, but it was alot like trying to knock down the Great Wall of China with a a Snausage. "Why can't you just fall down like every other idiot in this company!" Marlo pulled out all the stops on the dazed Roadbuster. He swung a rocking chair at Bean. Bean swung one fist and stopped it dead. Marlo pulled out a Baby's crib and brought it down towards the top of Bean's head. Bean punched through it. Everything Marlo brought out, Bean either broke or absorbed. Finally, Marlo put his hand on his knees, and started panting. Marlo started backing up the entrance ramp. "Y'know, Beano, if I didn't have a plan from the start, you'd have me right now." Bean gave him the same look most Gorillas give when confused. Marlo pointed behind Bean's shoulder. Bean snorted, "Kid, you messed my head up pretty good, but I'm not that stupid." It was around then that Bean saw the reflection of the headlights from the entrance ramp. Bean turned around, and in the two seconds he had, he saw his car, HIS. CAR. speeding up the entrance ramp towards him. He braced for the blow in as little time as he had before the car impacted into his shoulder. Now, if it had been a Saturn, or an Audi, or Beetle, or a mini, Bean was confident he could have stopped it on his own. However, this wasn't anybodies car, this was his car. The car he was now regretting ever having bulletproofed. The car he now regretted giving the engine that could go from zero to sixty in a synapse. The car that was sailing him into the TitanTRON. "Holy crap! Bean has just been hit by his own car! What the hell, who could have done that! Why? What the fu--" "Marlo had planned this from the start! What a bastard!" Sana chimed in. The Big Red Car screeched to halt, without even a dent. Yuffie Kisaragi stepped out, swinging a keyring around her finger. The referee immediatley disqualified Marlo, but Marlo was doing nothing but grinning. He listened to the crowd's shocked silence, and picked up a microphone. "Do you really think I would have been stupid enough to just let him beat me? I am the ultimate embodiment of Hardcore! I'll be keeping this belt for a damned long time, peons, so get used to it. When I lost it to that Tendo bitch, I realized I was getting careless. I started underestimating you idiots. Not anymore! Any idiot that wants this belt is going to end up a bloody pulp. Thank you, and Good night!" Yuffie met him at the entrance ramp and they both walked up, listening to the jeers and curses of ten thousand angry fans. Marlo grinned from ear to ear. Like sweet, sweet music to my ears, he thought. "This is an atrocity! Bean gave the fight of his life, and now he's been run down....Like something that gets hit by a car!" Sana stuck out her lower lip. "We'll be right back." Hiroshi looked towards the Bean-shaped hole in the Titan-tron =================== VO: You've seen them on television... [[Multiple shots of various Ultra Fighters winning and losing.]] VO: You've seen them on PAY-PER-VIEW! [[Shots showing the end of the world, several times, and Ultra fighters saving the day.]] VO: NOW, SEE THEM IN YOUR LIVING ROOM! [[Shot of kids playing the small plastic figures.]] VO: Ultra action figures: The First Wave! Now you too can fight like the Ultra warriors! [[Shot of little Kid hitting a Dan figure with a Dark Schneider figure.]] LK: Take that, Dan! Take that, Schneider! VO: Special Hardcore Playsets make Ultra fun even more HARDCORE! [[Shot of kid hitting Marlo with a small plastic chair.]] VO: ULTRA ACTION FIGURES: The first Wave. In stores now! Or order from the Ultra website! Or by Carrier Pigeon! You know you want them! They make excellent CHRISTMAS GIFTS! You could ask your PARENTS for them! =================== "How many fingers am I holding up?" "Fifty?" Bean rubbed his head. "Honestly Bean, I don't know how you got up!" Tifa checked her partner's banadages for the sixth time. "Every bone in your body should be shattered." She folded her arms and gave him a critical stare. "I warned you," she said, her voice absolutely neutral. Bean grimaced. "Yeah, you did." She waited, neither her stance or her expression altering in the slightest. "... I'm sorry," Bean said reluctantly. "I'll listen next time." Tifa sighed and hugged him. "That's okay," she said. I should have guarded my copy of your key a little better. The next time I see Yuffie... well, this is the last straw!" She clenched her fist. Bean coughed. "Didn't you say that last time?" he asked. Tifa elbowed him in the ribs, ellicting an uncommon yelp from the Roadbuster. "You can--" She began, but shut up as Sakura and Wolverine walked in the door. They both walked over to the cot Bean was now lying on. "We saw what happened. Nabiki's thugs don't show mercy. Are you going to be okay?" Sakura looked over at Bean. "I'll live. I'll probably be in hibernation for a few weeks, but I'll be okay." Bean rubbed his sore arm. Sakura nodded, and looked to Tifa," We've got to go get ready for our match. Take good care of him, okay?" Tifa smiled and nodded as Sakura left the room. Wolverine grunted at Bean, lit a cigar, and followed the girl out. In the hall, Sakura sighed. "I really don't want to have to do this." "S'awright, kid. Just keep your guard up, and you'll be jest fine." Logan exhaled smoke from his lungs. "What if she...Y'know...Tries anything?" Logan grinned around the stogie, Well, kid. That's when you tag in this Old man, and I show that skank 'How to Remove Someone's organs' the hands on version, o'course." "I hope it'll be that easy...." Sakura looked towards the ground. "Just fight like you did the night you kicked her ass, and you'll do fine." The two walked towards the ring in silence. =================== "Remind me to give that Marlo kid a hearty pat on the back next time I see him." Tarou smiled as he watched the television. "Yes, he did rather well. I just hope the Morrigan doesn't do anything too raunchy for television..." "And I hope you've thought about my offer." Tarou and Nabiki whirled around to see the ever-grinning face of M. Bison staring back at them through a viewscreen. "From now on, how about I call you..." Nabiki forced her heart to beat normally. "Ah, but where would the fun in that be?" "..Heh. Right. Fun. As to your offer, well, I still need to get in touch with my accountants to find out exactly how much Ultra is worth..." "Just remember that Shadowlaw is a rather...Lucrative industry. No price is too high." "I'll keep that in mind. I'll call you when I've determined the exact numbers..." "And Ms. Tendo?" "Yes?" "I do hope you're not trying to...Oh, I don't know, stall, or try to get the authorities onto my little operation." "I'm having enough trouble with the authorities myself. You have nothing to worry about." "Good. I'd hate to see a smart girl like you in any danger." Bison grinned wider as the screen faded into blackness. Nabiki and Tarou remained silent. =================== Deep in the heart of the Ultra restaurant, and age-old war was waging. Two hearts, locked in combat that would make the Earth's mightiest General grabs their nuts, squeal like horror-movie actresses and run with their tail between their legs. A battle so intense, neither competitior will ever give in, or say die. The type of battle that makes the adrenal glands work harder than they've ever worked before. The type of battle that makes the Civil War look like happy puppies dancing. Yes, ladies. Yes, gentleman. Naga the Serpent and Lina Inverse were EATING. A crowd surrounded the two Mages as they continued to order and devour, order and devour. Who would give in FIRST?! "Lina, this is healthy for you. You keep eating, and maybe your bust line will gain a few inches." Naga managed to gasp out the insult between hearty bites of Sagat Steak. Lina glared, and calmly speared half of Naga's fish entree in one swift bite. The war was on in full. Naga ripped a chicken finger from Lina's hands. Lina managed to eat Naga's spaghetti in one bite. A parry, a thrust, a bite, a gulp. The eyes of disturbed onlookers were moving like it was a tennis match. Left, then right, left, then right. A strike, a counter. A small mob amassed around the two gluttonus sorceresses. Several people made bets on the outcome of the two of them. The two both eyed the same piece of turkey. Theier eyes locked together. The mob took a few steps back. This was offically serious. It was a showdown. One lone turkey leg resided on a plate in the middle of the table between them. One, greasy, expensive turkey leg would decide the outcome. Neither competitor moved. Their eys were locked, and their hands hovered above the table. Somehow, a tumbleweed managed to roll past the table. The two took this as a sign to draw. Both hands moved at once, like lightning about to hit a golfer. Every fan held his or her breath as they saw the scene play before their eyes in slow motion. Theier eyes followed Naga's left arm as it snatched the piece of turkey a fraction of a fraction of a second before Lina's could. In the next instant, Naga ate the turkey leg in one bite, and threw the bone onto the plate where it used to be. Lina inverse fumed. Not only had she been beaten, but she had been beaten at a game she was best at. No one messed with Lina Inverse when it came to culinary matters. No one. "DIL BRANDO!" Lina screamed as the ground under Naga exploded. Ultra fans were not by any definition stupid. They saw the first spell get cast, and they ran like their collective ass was on fire. "Lina, you are quite the sore loser. FREEZE ARROW!" "You were the one that started it! FIREBALL!" "Now you're just being childish. DIGU VOLT!!" The Ultra restaurant was empty by this point. Everyone had fled the establishment for safer places. Like Cuba. Bit of the roof were already beginning to fall, and the windows had been shattered. Things did not look good for the Ultra restaurant. And the two sorceresses didn't look like they were stopping anytime soon. "I'M childish? I'M Childish? I wasn't the one making breast insults, you cow! FLARE ARROW!" "Cow? COW! How dare you think you can insult the White Serpent. Really, you washboard chested---MEGA BRAND!!!" Naga watched as the spell brought the ground up on Lina, "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOO!!!!" Lina pulled herself out of a pile of rubble, and dustedherself off. "Right. That's it. 'Darkness from twilight, crimson from the blood that flows..." Naga ulped as she watched Lina begin to cast her most powerful spell. Lina was about to level the surrounding three blocks when all of a sudden... "Stop!!!!Stop! Stop! STOP!!!!" Krillin sighed as Lina's spell dissapated, "Ms. Tendo saw what was going on, and called on me to stop it. She also wanted to let you know that for destroying most of her restaurant, that you'll both be in a match tonight." "The White Serpent sees no problem with this. I will personally destroy her in a match, then." Naga folded her arms, and turned her back on Lina. "Fine. It'd be easier to kill her on an uninhabited plane--" "It's an Evening gown Match, " Krillin put his guard up. Lina and Naga stared gape-jawed at the noseless referee. They both quickly composed themselves, and went back to coming close to macho posturing. "The White Serpent gladly accepts. It should be easy to win this match, considering my opponent has nothing to hold up an evening gown *with*. OHOHOHOHOHO!!!" Naga held her hand up to her mouth and eyed Lina mockingly. Lina scowled at Naga, but managed to fight the urge to kill her where she stood, " Fine. Hope you're ready, Naga, the world is going to get to see aaall of you tonight." Krillin watched as the two sorceresses glared at one another hard enough to start a fire, and promptly sweatdropped. =================== "Woo-hoo!" Hiroshi grinned, " Ladies and gentleman, a special treat tonight, Lina Inverse and Naga The White Serpent will be going head to head, toe to toe, chest to che--" Hiroshi stopped as Sana elbowed him, "--In an Evening Gown Match! But right now, let's take you to Yotsuya, who is standing by with Morrigan and Lilith!" =================== Yotsuya glanced between the Succubi, who were currently posing for the camera...Posing rather...Bluntly, as it were. Yotsuya pulled out his collar a few inches, adjusted it, and held up his microphone. "Morrigan, Lilith, tonight you both have match against Wolverine and Sakura. Both of these two bear a strong grude against you, Morrigan. How do you plan on dealing with this angry duo?" Morrigan gripped the handle of the microphone, which was enough to get Yotsuya to turn ten shades whiter. "How do I plan on 'handling' the situation? Well, that's just simple. My sister and I are going to go out there, beat that hairy mongrel unconcious, and then bring Sakura back to my locker room, where I will then proceed to--" "Ne-chan, can we bring Hiroshi, too?" Lilith looked directly at the camera, and grinned, "Hi Hiro-chan!" "The more the merrier, " Morrigan purred, " Does that quite answer your question, Mr. Yot-su-ya" Morrigan got a little closer with every syllable of his name. Yotsuya decided to take the wisest course of action in a situation such as this one. He ran. He ran fast. Morrigan and Litlith's eyes turned to the camera, I'll see you in the ring, Sakura." Morrigan blew a kiss to the camera, and walked away. Lilith watched her sister walk off, as she maintained an evil grin, "I'll see you at ringside, Hiro-kun!" Lilith blew a kiss to the camera, and skipped off. =================== "Wow, you got kind of a nutty girlfriend, Hiroshi." Sana rested her head in her palms and looked to Hiroshi, sitting next to her. "Kid, she is NOT my girlfriend. She's a sex demon full intent on sleeping with me. There is huge difference." "I'm glad my pimp isn't like that." "....Say again?" "Rei-kun. My pimp. I'm glad he's not like your psycho not-girlfriend." "..." In Hiroshi's stunned silence, the music of the Succubi began to play, and they both slinked down to the ring, and flew inside. Morrigan leaned over the top rope, looking towards the entrance ramp. She patiently awaited her pets arrival. Lilith ran up and sat down next to Hiroshi, "Ne, Hiro-kun, there's going to be some mad, passionate sex in our locker room after the match. Wanna come?" Lilith flashed him a sultry grin, and clung to his arm like sticky tack. "Uh...Sorry, Lilith, I'll be busy...I've got a root canal followed by a bikini wax...My schedule is pretty full." "Awwww...Well, I'm sure there'll be some more mad, passionate sex later. I'm gonna go fight now. Bye!" She kissed his cheek, and jumped in the ring. "Sana, you'll have to announce this match on your own, I need to go scrub my face with steel wool." "Weird girlfriend." Sana watched the Succubi give the male half of the fans nosebleed when they did their tag team pose. "She is not my--" Hiroshi was interupted by metal. Loud, loud metal. Wolverine walked out onto the entrance ramp, Sakura trailing a few feet behind him. His mask was pulled back, as he took a drag on a half-smoked stogie. He flicked the cigar into the tech crew, pulled on his mask, and ran to the ring. Sakura followed, but anyone with eyes could see she plainly didn't want to be anywhere near that ring. Wolverine jumped over the top rope and wasted now time in charging Morrigan. Morrigan yawned, and lazily flew over him. Wolverine was undaunted, and leapt off the top turnbuckle to deliver a kick to Morrigan's chin. Morrigan's lazy demeanor was quickly replaced by anger as she hit the mat. [[Lambda Grudge Match! Morrigan/Lilith Vs. Sakura/ Wolverine! FIGHT! "You brute! Attacking a lady in such a fierce manner. You need to be punished." Morrigan licked the blood off of her lip, and charged Wolverine. She grabbed him, flew into the air, and proceeded to spiral downward, slamming Wolverine's head into the mat. Wolverine bounced off the canvas, and landed sprawled out in a corner. Morrigan's eyes shifted over to Sakura, who was standing in her corner, waiting for a tag. She sauntered over to Sakura, and was about to accost the young Street fighter, if it wasn't for the Canadian she had attached to her head. "Morrigan is learning that you don't turn your back on a Wolverine until you're sure it's dead!" Hiroshi watched on. "That sounded kinda hokey. I like Daisuke better." Hiroshi ignored the young Actress, and watched the match. Wolverine spun and drove Morrigan into the mat, and went Berserker on her. He slashed at her until a Soul Bat to the chest drove him off of her. Morrigan glared at Wolverine, and tagged in her sister. "Morrigan makes a much needed to tag to Lilith." "Your girlfriend." "Shut your pie hole, kid." Lilith bounced into the ring, and waved at Wolverine. "Hi!" She ducked the immediate slice at her head that followed. "Oh, so you want to play, huh? Good, I love to play..." Lilith grinned. Wolverine slashed at the Lil' Succubus, who ducked under his hand and Soul Spun him into the corner. Lilith wasted not time and Soul Flashed Wolverine in the corner, the ethereal bat impacting into his chest. She drove her wing into him, and rose upward , exceuting a perfect Shining Blade. Wolverine fell out of the corner. Lilith smiled, and flashed a 'V' to the audience. =================== Shingo and Shermie watched the match in their locker room. The television was rather impressive, being purchased by the Kanzuki Zaibatsu. "Wolverine doesn't look too hot..." Shingo bit his thumbnail, as he was prone to do, " He's trying to keep Sakura out of the ring, but if he doesn't tag..." "You know, I'd still like to get my hands on Morrigan..." The eyeless wonder grinned mischieviously at Shingo. =================== Lilith delivered another rising wing, hurling a growling Wolvrerine into the corner. Wolverine got ready to charge the younger succubus, but he felt a hand quickly clap him on the back. Sakura leapt over Wolverine and performed a mid-air Hadoken in Lilith's face. Sakura was like the wind as she proceeded to blow...Sakura was like a wild animal as she laid her...Sakura beat Lilith up. Really bad. "SHUN-PUU-KYAKU!" Sakura landed as Lilith was kicked into the ground. Lilith had been beaten up enough, she decided, and ran over to her corner. Or almost did. Sakura grabbed Lilith by the wings and yanked her into a choke hold. Sakura ground her elbow into Lilith's neck before finally pounding her into the mat. "Sakura is playing it smart, and keeping Lilith away from Morrigan!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Ne, doesn't the audience already know that?" "I'm announcing the match..." Hiroshi rubbed his temples. In the ring Sakura leaned over the ropes and winked at Sakura, "Oi, why don't you let my sister tag out so we can spend some quality time together? How about it? I'll bet your curiosity has been eating you alive..." Morrigan stretched as far over the rope as she could, giving the fans a rather personal view of her backside. Sakura gulped. She stared at Morrigan, who was still taunting her less than ten feet away. The Succubus waved her finger , indicating that Sakura should go to her. But then, Morrigan, smiled, and pointed behind Sakura. "GLOOMY PUPPET SHOW!" While the fans at home were reducded to watchin black censored bars float across the screen, the fans in the Ultradome were given a treat asd Sakura was placed in the most humiliating positions possible, ending with Sakura face down on the mat. With Sakura down, and Wolverine in the corner licking his wounds, the Succubi intended to give "double-team" an entirely new meaning. A meaning that can't be written in this text without a page long warning an a liability waiver. Morrigan hovered over the top rope and took long, seductive strides towards the fallen Sakura. "I knew it would only be a matter of time before I'd have you in my grasp, my dear. And now it's time I gave you what I--- UMPHMMHMPPHMPHH!!!" The last bit of Morrigan's threat was very well muffled. This is because it's difficult to speak and be heard when someone has their legs wrapped around your head. Shermie executed her own Shermie Sprial and drove Morrigan into the mat. "Ne-chan! I'll help y--," Lilith's comment was also cut rather short. This because it's nearly impossible to finished a sentence when someone drives their elbow into your forehead. Shingo followed up his combo by kicking Lilith up and over the top rope, where she found she was face to face...With Wolverine. "Ano...No hard feelings?" Lilith whimpered. Wolverine snarled, and decided it was time to lay the proverbial smackdown on Lilith. "Shingo and Shermie have rescued Sakura. CHAOS shows up in the nick of time to resuce their teammate from a certain fate of....Of..." Hiroshi tried to find the proper words. "Hardcore sex acts that can't be video taped legally in this country?" Sana filled in. "Yeah, that." At the top of the ramp, Kuno and Haohmaru walked out and posed. Lightning and thunder echoed behind Kuno, and Haohmaru's sword sparkled in the lights. Their belts gleamed so bright that several fans were hospitalized for induced blindness. "INSOLENCE! THESE DOGS DARE TO ATTACK? COWARDS!" "Chaos shall fall under the mighty blade of Takewaki Kuno, tag team champion, and the Blue Thunder of Furink-ACK!" Yet another bad guy was interupted as James and Jessie posed over two unconcious samurai, their metal chairs gleaming under the light. Finally, actual officials began to break apart the warring factions, and managed to get them out of the arena. Hiroshi wiped his brow, "Wow, folks, the war between Jack's CHAOS and Nabiki's....Cohorts escalates to a new level!" "They shoulda called in Schneider. Then there'd be more blood! Yay!" "Uh...Right... Right now we're going to have mystery match. Iori Yagami is going to put his title on the line against a mystery opponent! Who could it be?! The suspense is life-threatening! But first, a word from our sponsors." =================== In just one week...A new champion. Several combatants fighting to take the Internet TITLE! Ultra Reboot 2.0 Bigger, Faster...Upgraded. =================== "And we're back. Finally, we'll see just what we have in store for Iori Yagami!" Hiroshi watched the ramp anxiously. Death-Hell-Devil metal began to emit from the speakers, and Iori walked down to the ring. He had a look on his face that could scare children. He drug the title along in one hand, letting the belt scrape agains the floor. He walked up the stairs, and through the middle rope into the ring. He casually slung the belt over a shoulder, and picked up a microphone. "A mystery opponent. Wow. Amazing. I should be feeling very scared, right now. Really, really scared. Oh god, I think I wet my pants. THIS IS BULL$#!%. I could be ripping apart any number of idiots in this ring, but they couldn't even find one that would face me," Iori's bishonen-ish gravelly voice echoed through the Ultradome, "So they had to make it a 'Mystery Opponent'. That's fine. I'll just patiently wait for you @#$%-ups to pick an opponent for me. Good luck." Iori went to a corner, and sat down, leaning against the bottom turnbuckle. He occaisonally folded a sleeve back to check a watch that wasn't there. All of a sudden, music started to play. The fans erupted into a joy, and Iori snarled as an Afro walked out onto the entrance platform. Mr. Satan smiled, and adjusted his gi. He threw one fist in the air for the fans, and put a microphone to his mouth, "Kid, you got a lotta mouth for a punk, you know that? You mouth off to these fine people," Satan let the fans cheer for moment before continuing, "Saying that you'll rip up whoever walks into that ring. Lemme make something clear, punk, I've crapped bigger than you, and I may be older than some of these fighters, but I can still show you how to fight. And when it's done, there'll be two things happening at once. You lie there, and don't move, and I walk out of here, with that." Satan pointed to Iori's belt, and walked to the ring. "The Mystery Opponent is Mr. Satan! The World's Greatest Hero! This is incredible! SATAN! SATAN!" Hiroshi chanted. Sana looked almost bored, "I think I like Tarou more than you, too." The bell rang, and Iori wasted less than no time. He released a ball of flame that slid across the ring before striking Mr. Satan and setting him ablaze. Iori snarled, and placed his hand on Satan's chest before loosing more flame into the The Earth's Greatest Hero. "Mr. Satan is off to a bad start! C'mon, Satan, I know you can do it!" Mr. Satan would have responded, but he was busy being kicked against a turnbuckle. He grunted as Iori's fist struck his already sore torso. Iori Yagami was unrelenting in his attacks. He obviously intended to set an example with Mr. Satan. "Ne, Hiroshi, why does Iori have that thingy tying his legs together? Wouldn't that kinda make kicking difficult?" "Uh....That's a very good question, Sana. Why don't you go in the ring right now and ask him?" Iori wasn't letting Satan get a move in edgewise. A punch to the stomach, and knee to the ribs. Satan wiped the blood off of his face in a pause where Iori backed off. "BLOOD! WAI!" "So, you have a pimp, and an affinity for blood. That's..Just wrong..." Iori scoffed at the weakened Satan, "You're nothing more than an old man. We might as well put you ina nursing home." Iori flung his hair back and laughed. "SATAN PUNCH!" Iori's laughing stopped when Satan's mighty fist struck him in the jaw. But Iori didn't move. He glared at Satan trhough distorted feature. Satan stared at the unmoving Iori. He held his fist firmly in Iori's jaw. Everything Satan had lkeft had been placed in that punch, but Iori barely flinched. Satan stared at the angry bishonen, and watched as Iori grabbed his forearm, and yanked Satan to the mat. The crowd watched in abject disgust as Iori began to slash and claw at Satan on the mat. "My GOD! Iori has used the Maiden Masher as counter! The Bastard is dead serious about keeping this belt. Who can stop him?" "BLOOD!! WAI!" Sana bounced up and down in her seat, earning her a look of utter distubedness from Hiroshi. Iori pounded his fists into Mr. Satan, and finally ended the match by channelling his flames ito Satan's chest. Mr. Satan was down for the count. "Iori Yagami has won the match, retaining the Gamma Belt for tonight. But wait, it doesn't look like he's finished!" Hiroshi watched as Iori walked outside, and picked up a steel chair. "More Blood! GO IORI!" Iori lifted the steel chair over his head, and slammed it onto the fallen Hero again, and again, and again. After the chair had been bent into a shape that couldn't be used for sitting anymore, he started to pound on Satan with his fists. Iori stood up, and walked over to the corner, and scaled the turnbuckles. He had a glare of insanity in his eyes as he stared at Satan from above. Iori leapt off the top rope, and the crowd watched as Iori's feet sailed towards Satan's head. If hadn't been for a flash of red that struck Iori's skull from behind, Satan would've looked like he was a curb-stomp victim. Ranma Saotome stood in front of the fallen Satan. And watched as Iori stood up. "Take your belt, and get the hell out of here, ya cowardly bastard." Ranma said each word slowly. Iori flung his hair back and laughed a laugh that could instill fear into bomb squad members, "You want to try to stop me? You're next Saotome. You're next." Iori walked out of the ring, and out into the locker room area. Ranma helped Mr. Satan to his feet. He got under him, and helped him walk back to his locker room. Hiroshi stared on in silence as his Hero was walked into the back, bleeding. "Ladies and gentlemen, if it hadn't been for Ranma, I don't know what might have happened." "Iori would have opened up Mr. Satan like a tin can, that's what would have happened! Blood!" Sana chimed in. "Y'know, I'm beginning to wonder about the youth of the planet... Anyways. We're standing by with Washuu Hakubi for an insider's look at tonight Evening Gown Match." =================== Washuu was deep inside of her lab, standing in front of a chalk board. She wore a typical scholar's outfit, complete with square-hat- thing, "Thanks Hiroshi! Tonight's evening gown match will prove to test exactly how much carnage can one simple Prom Dress handle? Thankfully, both fighters decided to come to everyone's favorite genius for help," Washuu smiled. Washuu pulled down a screen, and turned on a projector. It showed a picture of Naga, in her typical bondage gear, "This is Naga's normal outfit. While it leaves little to the imagination, it also provides very little protection," She hit the forward button on the projector. An image of Naga in a stunning black dress flickered on screen. "This dress is made for style, but can also protect Naga froma four alarm blaze! Allow me to explain. I took a simple black dress, made of a Black Velvet, and remade it, Washuu style. Naga's dress is now fire retardant, due to the fabrics that have been woven into the Velvet. It's now a Velvet/Kevlar mix. The straps have been made for their qualities in unbreakability, making this dress helluva tough to rip off of Naga. The spaghetti straps are made of a titanium wire surrounded by velvet, to provide maximum protection as well as Maximum comfort." Washuu hit the forward slide button, which displayed a close up of the back of Naga's dress, " The clasp is also made of unbreakable titanium, with a small lock. What this all adds up to is: This dress can't be burned off. It'll have to be ripped off." Washuu hit the forward slide button, showing Lina in an absolutly stunning red backless dress, " Ms. Inverse's dress, I took a slightly different approach. I wove adamantium wire into the silk of the dress, making it not only comfortable, but invincible. No scissors can cut through this thing, and no average Joe can just rip it off. Tonight, both competitors are going to have to work hard to strip the other of her dignity," Washuu bowed politely, " Back to you, Hiroshi!" =================== "Alright! And we're standing by with Krillin, who is awaiting the arrival of both Lina and Naga on a beach of the planet Mogo." =================== Krillin stood and watched as Lina Inverse stepped out of a portal, and flung her hair back, and posed for the fans. Krillin sighed. I must not nosebleed, I must not nosebleed, Krillin mumbled to himself, and watched as Naga stepped out, stuck out her massive chest, and laughed. "I want a good, clean, fight. No worldly destruction. No go ahead and start trying to tear the clothes off you opponent!" Krillin flew into the air, and let the games begin. [[EVENING GOWN MATCH]] [[LINA INVERSE VS. NAGA THE SERPENT]] FIGHT! Lina looked at Naga, and then immediatley cast a spell, "RAY WING!" Lina flew into the air, and buzzed Naga before flying into the air. "OHOHOHOHOHOOOO!! You already take the cowardly approach, Lina. Obviously you don't want the world to see your boyish body! FREEZE ARROW!" Nga flung a bolt of ice at the flying Lina, who managed to dodge it. "I'll show you cowardly! FLARE ARROW!" Lina threw an arrow of fire at Naga, who dived out of the way. "RAY WING!" Naga followed Lina into the air, and charged her. The two collided in mid-air, and hair pulling and dress grabbing ensued. =================== "And Naga has started a mid-air catfight! Whichever girl is the loser, we're all winners here in the Ultradome." =================== After having lost any semblance of direction in mid-air, both girls crash landed into the sand of the beach. Lina took a few steps away from Naga, and glowered, "FIREBALL!" Lina let a rather large fireball fly, and watched as it impacted into Naga. Naga's face was singed, but her dress still looked FAN-TASTIC. Naga put her hand to her mouth, and laughed the laugh that could wake the dead, "OHOHOHOOHOHOOOO! Come now, Lina, do you really think a mere fireball is going to get rid of me? How positively dro--" "DIL BRANDO!" Lina interupted, and took Naga well off her feet. Naga spat out a great deal of sand, and looked over at Lina, "Of course you know, this does mean war. MEGA BRANDO!!" Naga sent Lina into the air, and took very careful aim, "FREEZE ARROW!" Naga hit Lina with a blast of cold as she flew through the air, and watched as Lina hit the ground, battered, but pissed off. =================== "Naga has the advantage on Lina! But for how long?" =================== Lina growled, "FLARE LANCE!" Naga 'eek'ed and barely dodged the giant blast of fire. Lina then began to throw fire spells like she was playing dodgeball. Naga ducked and ran, dodging as many of the fire spells as she could. Lina refused to give in. Finally, Lina took a few seconds to catch her breath. =================== "Naga is wearing Lina down! Can Lina recover?" =-================= "Give it up, Lina, you'll just have to admit, that you greatest Rival is BETTER than you! OHOHOHOHO!!" Naga laughed at the panting Lina, who looked particularly Akuma-ish, "Ano...Lina? Hello?" "Darkness from twilight, crimson from the blood that flows," "Ano...Lina? Now, Lina, this is just an evengown match, you couldn't possibly be using.." "..Buried in the flow of time.." "Okay, I suppose you are using that spell, but how about we talk this out..." "Thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness..." "Ho-boy." Naga needed a plan...Naga needed an idea. Naga needed a jet plane the hell out of there. But, Naga had none of these things. So she improvised. "Those who oppose shall be destroyed--" Naga ran up, grabbed the front of Lina's dress, and with a sudden burst of Herculean strength, ripped the dress from her body. Naga had won the match! "--By the power you and I possess! DRRRAGON SLAAAVE!" However, victory sometimes comes with a price. The Dragon Slave encompassed the fighters, and took a healthy chunk out of the surrounding forest life, as well. When the dust cleared, Naga had her body half buried in sand. The dress pulled trhough, having withstood a Dragon Slave. Lina regained her composure. And then realized she was practically naked. =================== "Lina Inverse has lost the Evening Gown Match, and subsequently given the fans a show!" Hiroshi exclaimed. =================== Lina turned twelve different shades of red, and tried to cover what she could. She let out a piercing shriek, and ran into the nearest forest. Krillin held his nose shut. The cameras cut off the feed on Mogo, and returned to the Ultradome. =================== "We've had a spectacualr evening. Iori Yagami has made it clear that he isn't a pushover. Bean Bandit has been hit by a car, and the War between Jack and Nabiki has escalated. Be here in just a week for Ultra Reboot 2.0, to crown a NEW INTERNET CHAMPION! Say goodnight, Sana." "Good night, Sana." AUTHORS NOTES: This is a revised version of the episode I sent out last night. I had some prereader trouble, which has since been solved. Now, let's get to the gripes. I'm not going to try and make any excuses. It wasn't the best or longest of chapters. I can't write 150k easily,So I didn't. I wrote what Icould. I apologize for taking so long. But there were a couple of real life difficulties that prevented me from being home/with a computer. The revisions of this episode were mainly dealing with characterization and spelling/grammar. There might still be a few lingering errors. Sorry about that. Thanks to Ravi and Phoebe who helped me out with the revisions.