'Twas an hour before Ultra
     and all through the Dome,
the workers were scurrying
     as people at home,
who were ready for Christmas
     with jolly good cheer,
turned on their TV sets
     and brought out the beer.

The sound techs were busy
     all testing the mikes,
while Nabiki had visions of
     fight cards and the like,
and fighters in their rooms were
     preparing to fight,
and viewers settling down for
     a long but fun night...

***

Daisuke was stuck in
     the Hosts' Dressing Room,
Helping Hiroshi overcome his
     feeling of doom,
as the latter had sunk and he
     felt all alone,
since last week he found out
     he had an evil clone.

"You gotta help me Daisuke I'm gonna go mad you gotta help me they're
gonna do something again I can't go through with this!" Hiroshi pleaded.

"All right," Daisuke cautioned, "but you're going to have to get off of
my leg before I can help you."

Hiroshi blinked, then blushed and grinned sheepishly as he released his
hold on Daisuke's shin.  "Sorry about that."  He straightened up and
dusted himself off.  "But what if Bison wants to do something evil to
me, huh?  What if he tries to kill me again?"

"He let you go last time, Hiroshi.  I think he's going to play around a
bit with you instead."

Hiroshi shuddered.  "That's not helping me feel better, Dai."

Daisuke shrugged.  "I don't know what he has in store, but I'll tell you
right here and now that he isn't going to try and kill you.  I think he
wants to see you crumble like you're doing right now."

"He's succeeding, I'll give him that much."

"But if you don't SHOW him you're squirming..." Daisuke continued.
                       .
"...that's it!  I'm NOT gonna give him the pleasure of watching me
squirm!" Hiroshi declared.  "I'm gonna grin and bear it, and he's
gonna...gonna...he's gonna regret ever messing with me or my girl!"

And with that, he strutted out of the room, a look of "I'm not scared of
the megalomaniacal warlord who is using a clone of me to seduce my
girlfriend in front of my disbelieving eyes at all, nope nope nope"
plainly visible on his face.

Daisuke sweatdropped, then rushed out to catch up with his friend and
co-host.

***

And then in the room
     where CHAOS abounds,
Sakura came back
     after making her rounds
in the infirmary of the Dome
     where she was cut loose
after a number of instances
     of Morrigan abuse.

"I win again!"

Jack stared blankly at the card before him.  "I do not believe that one,
James has won six games straight, and two, that between him, me, and
Shingo, he's the only that hasn't been the chick."

Shingo grumbled at Jack.  "Can you please say 'old maid' instead of
'chick'?"

A slight giggle drew the four's attention, and they turned to see Karin,
Jessie, and Nuku Nuku involved in their own card game... or they had
been, before they stopped to watch them.  Jack turned and grinned at the
girls.  "No need to sit over there, ladies... we promise not to beat you
too badly if you join our game."

Karin smirked.  "Oh, I think we're doing just fine, Jack.  But thanks."

They peered over at them.  "What are you playing, anyways?" Shingo
asked, shuffling the cards and nearly managing not to scatter them
across the table.  "Go Fish?"

Nuku Nuku flipped her translucent green visor around and chirped out,
"Seven-card stud, one-eyed jacks are wild, ante's 50, working with a
double deck.  Wanna cash in?"

The three members of the less-fair sex blinked at them for a moment,
then turned back towards each other.  "...Okay!" Shingo finally said as
he started dealing the cards.  "Two minature marshmallows to ante up,
and...hey!"

His exclamation caused everyone to look up, and a collective smile broke
out across the room as Sakura stepped through the door to the CHAOS
warroom. "Hey," she weakly waved, her smile no less real for being a bit
on the wan side.

Shingo bounded from his seat and gave her a big hug, letting up a bit
when she "Oof'd."  "So, you're back?"

The brunette girl gave a quick nod, then flashed a grin.  "And ready to
head back to the ring.  Do we know the card yet?"

James shook his head.  "Not yet, but with any fortune, you won't be
fighting tonight!"  At Sakura's flat look, he shrugged somewhat
helplessly.  "Well, it *would* be good for you."

"Hey, I wouldn't mind a fight tonight," Sakura shrugged.

Karin, who'd eyed Shingo's oh-so-enthusiastic greeting of Sakura, smiled
thinly at the Shotokaner.  "Glad to see you back.  Would you care to
join us?" she purred, motioning to the chip-covered table.

"...Thanks, I think I'll join the guys.  Between you and Jessie, I don't
think I'm quite cutthroat enough to make it in your game."  She softened
the words with a smile, but still seemed relieved to turn away from the
blonde.  "So, can you deal me in?"

A few minutes passed in blissful silence, the members of the stable
revelling in the joy of the holiday spirit, the completion they felt
from being around each other, and the satisfaction of taking their
friends' money.  Or trying to.

"Yay!  Jessie, I won again!"

"Don't worry, Sak.  You'll get used to it."

***

Ranma and Akane were
     training that day,
fighting and workouts and
     come as you may,
the two of them working
     together for once
and Ranma actually not
     being a dunce.

"More like this, Akane."  Ranma raised his left leg in a not-quite-right
angle to the rest of his body.  "C'mon, you can do it."

Akane struggled to retain the form demonstrated before her with much
difficulty.  With Ranma, the leg had to be positioned just so, or he
wouldn't approve.  Beads of sweat ran down her face as she hoped that
she passed his inspection.

She did.

"That's good," Ranma approved.  "You know, you've been doing good this
month.  I think you're improving a lot."  He shuffled his hand along the
back of his head, a faint crimson rising along his cheeks.  "Matter of
fact...you remember that thing we talked about at the beginning of the
month?"

"Lambda...?"

"Yeah, that Lambda thing."  Ranma tried his best to act casually about
it and failed.  "I've been thinking 'bout it for a while, and...I think
it's about...it's about time we tried it, you know?  Working together?"

"Y-you think so?" Akane looked up at him, eyes hopeful.

"Yeah.  You an'me have been fighting better against each other, right?
And like you said, we gotta carry on the line.  So..." he twiddled his
fingers nervously.  "How about it?"

"Of c-cour...I mean, yeah," Akane stuttered.  "Yeah, I think I want to."
She smiled warmly.

Ranma's heart skipped a beat, but he smiled back unhesitatingly.  "I'll
go...I'll go talk to Nabiki.  Just stay here, all right?  I'll be right
back."

Akane watched as Ranma walked off, a smile on her face as she continued
training alone.

***

Nabiki and fight cards--
     so many to do!
Should Gamma or Lambda have
     one fight or two?
Three fights are good, but
     better are four--
Her thoughts interrupted,
     a knock at the door.

Nabiki picked out a few things at her desk, trying to decide what
tonight's show would be like.  Being the holiday episode, there had to
be a gimmick match.  Jotting down ideas, she finally eliminated it to
three...the Santa Suit match wasn't quite what she was looking for.

She wondered where the hell she came up with the second idea.  Anything
involving dressing up in reindeer suits would make viewers change
channels and quickly.

That third one...she circled it and took note.  It had merit.  Now, what
else...oh, yes.  That girl Kanzuki.  If she wanted to be a fighter, she
could be a fighter.  There was really only one choice for a contender,
of course.  And that choice was...

Ranma knocked on Nabiki's door.

"What is it, Ranma?"  Nabiki raised her voice, a mild amount of ire
creeping in.  "I'm busy with something."

"Is it the fight card?"

Nabiki looked up.  "As a matter of fact, it is.  Did you want to be put
on it?"

"Yeah.  Me'n Akane wanted to go on Lambda.  Could you fix us up with
someone tonight?" Ranma leaned on the door frame, waiting for an answer.

Nabiki immediately thought of match ideas, but 'hmm'd a little bit to
make Ranma squirm.  Eventually, she nodded.  "I'll give you something to
work with today.  And hey, have fun working with my sister."

Watching the pigtailed boy depart, Nabiki turned her eyes down to the
card again.  She had a Hardcore match, she had her Gamma and Lambda
matches...what was there for Omega?

"Hello, Nabiki."

Nabiki rolled her eyes.  Bison was there, of course.  "What do you
want?"  She fingered a button on her intercom, indicating the need for
an asprin.  She'd probably need the whole bottle after this meeting.

"Nothing, nothing," M. Bison said as he strolled around the office.  "I
just wished to ask you a favor, regarding your fight card.  If you could
set up something for me..."

"And what would I get in exchange?" Nabiki asked, suspicious.

"Take my offer up and find out."  Bison sat himself down in front of
Nabiki's desk, eyes glaring directly into hers.

Nabiki narrowed her own eyes, but the sweat forming on her face betrayed
her look of composure.  Glares of lightning sparked between the two,
finally ending in Bison's favor.  "All right," Nabiki sighed.  "What do
you want?"

***

They spoke many words,
     and Nabiki had work
and filled out those fight cards.
     From Bison, a smirk,
a sneer of disgust and
     a glance down his nose,
and giving a nod, from his
     soft chair he rose.

Nabiki looked up, to her
     staff gave a whistle,
and sought out some others like a
     heat-seeking missile.
Triumphantly crying with a
     fist thrust in might,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
     AND TO ALL A GOOD FIGHT!"

***

                                  LIVE!
                           FROM THE ULTRADOME!
                          THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE
                         IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME
                          SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
                             AND IMPROFANFIC!
                             IT'S TIME FOR...

             { M A G I C A L  T R O U B L E S H O O T I N G }
             {      C R O S S O V E R  F I G H T I N G      }
             {             F E D E R A T I O N              }
             {                .-----------.                 }
             {                | U-L-T-R-A |                 }
             {                `-----------'                 }
             {          http://www.mtcffultra.com           }

                      Episode 59: Season's Beatings!
                         Written by Lawrence Chu
                  Guest Booking: The Eternal Lost Lurker
                      Additional scenes written by:
                             Kristen Smirnov
                         The Eternal Lost Lurker
***

'Twas some days after Christmas
     and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring
     except for the masses in the audience who were ready to explode
with merry enthusiasm as all the lights in the Ultradome went out.

That's when red and green spotlights started to sweep the grounds, and a
loud, rumbling voice projected through fifty-two speakers growled:

"Are you ready for some...ULTRAVIOLENCE?"

Judging by the way the walls started violently shaking and how people
started waving signs with "WE MISS YOU, MAI-CHAN!", "CHAOS: BECAUSE ALL
THE BEEKSTER SEZ IS 'SHOW ME THE MONEY!'", and "NAGA CLAUS 3:16 SAYS
'OOOOH HO HO HO!'" scribbled upon them, the answer was 'yes.'

"ALL RIIIIIIIGHT!" roared Hiroshi into his microphone.  "Have we got a
spectacular show for YOU!  Consider this a Christmas gift to ALL of you,
our LOVING and CARING AUDIENCE!"

"That's right," Daisuke noted, looking down at the fight card.  "First
off, we have the debut of a new Lambda team facing some old rivals."

"You don't have to sound so EXCITED, Daisuke," Hiroshi enthusiastically
deadpanned (don't ask how).  "That's right, the Jusenkyo Survivors will
be fighting RANMA SAOTOME AND AKANE TENDO!"

And you thought the crowd was loud *before*.

"And THEN," Hiroshi screamed, "Karin Kanzuki has her second fight
as she takes on the person everyone loves to hate, MARLO SEMAJ!"

Cheers dissolved to jeers as soon as the Furnityre Saviour's name was
mentioned, though a great many people still roared their approval for
the new fighter.  A man waved a "MACHAON FOREVER!" sign before realizing
that he was in the wrong place and ran off.

"After that," Daisuke stated, "we have an Omega fight between B-ko
Daitokuji and..."  His voice trailed off for a second as he glanced
nervously at Hiroshi.  "...and Rei Ayanami."

The crowd went silent as they peered at Hiroshi with interest/concern/
fill in noun here.  Said Hiroshi stayed quiet, eyes darkened for a
moment, before he began screaming.

That is, before he began screaming, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAND our VERY SPECIAL
HOLIDAY GIFT to YOU, a Hardcore match you'll NEVER forget!  Sorry, but
orders are to keep the present a secret until it's unwrapped!"

After a brief facefault, the audience tried their best to make up for
the previous lack of noise.

Daisuke cleared his throat, bringing the audience down to a dull roar.
"Let's move on, shall we?  Our first fight tonight will be--"

"--a DOOZY!" Hiroshi finished.  "Coming in from an extended break where
one of the members has gone HARDCORE, please welcome...MOUSSE AND
SHAMPOO!"

A hard blast of Mandarin rock music heralded the arrival of the Amazons,
who made their way down amongst those booing the pair in general (and
Mousse specifically) and those in the nosebleed section cheering for
Shampoo.

"And now," Daisuke said, "Hiroshi and I would like to introduce a couple
of personal friends of ours..."

Hiroshi dropped to an enthusiastic hush.  "One's of them's been at Ultra
since the beginning.  The other one's been Hardcore since URD.  Give me
a hand in welcoming RANMA AND AKANE, two martial artists where ANYTHING
GOOOOOOOOOOES!"

A deep, rumbling bassline resonated throughout the Dome as spotlights
all over the ceiling traveled around, spotting the two at the entrance
just as the drums kicked in.  The crowd roared with approval.

"Now," Daisuke stated, "anyone who knows these characters knows that
these four have had a background running long before Ultra even began.
Ever since the days in Nerima, Mousse has had it in for Ranma, but Ranma
always used Mousse's weak spot--his glasses--to his advantage."

"But now that Mousse doesn't need his glasses, how much better will he
do?!" Hiroshi continued.  "This time, it's gonna be a true test of
skill, and don't forget that you saw it here FIRST!"

Tarou yawned.  "Boooooring."

"Where'd you come from?" asked Hiroshi, eyeing the Chinese boy.

"None of your business," Tarou spat.  "Let's just watch the fight, all
right?" he asked, as he leaned back with a small tub of popcorn in hand.

The two other announcers shrugged and nodded as Ranma and Mousse stepped
up to the ring.

][ LAMBDA MATCH
][ RANMA and AKANE vs. MOUSSE and SHAMPOO
][ FIGHT!

As soon as the bell signaled the start of the match, Mousse launched a
stream of chains at Ranma, causing him to leap backward frantically.

"Jeez!  You didn't even gimme time to breathe!" Ranma exclaimed as he
weaved his way through chain after chain.

Mousse shrugged as he pressed his attack.  "Hey, it's not like it's
illegal or anything."  Chain after chain popped out of the robe and were
drawn back in, with no end in sight.

"And Mousse starts off strong with a chain attack!" Hiroshi chattered.
"It looks like he's decided to try and finish Ranma off at the start!"

"Smart move," Tarou commented.  "Duckboy wouldn't last in a stretched-
out fight against femboy, good sight or not."

Ranma continued dodging this way and that, leaping and ducking beneath
the stream of iron with his name on it as an idea struck.  Now, if he
could just get in closer--

Daisuke blinked and leaned forward.  "Is that...is Ranma actually--"

"GOOD LORD!" Hiroshi screamed as he cut Daisuke off.  "Ranma's actually
running TO Mousse!  What in the world could he POSSIBLY be THINKING?!"

Tarou dropped another piece of of popcorn in his mouth.  "Suicide, looks
like."

Closer...CLOSER--

*WHAM*

"And Mousse lands the first blow!" exclaimed Hiroshi.  "That last set of
chains went right into Ranma's si--OH MY GOD!"

Ranma grinned as he leapt in front of the once-bespectacled boy and
grabbed the chains at the base.  From there it was a matter of flinging
him out of the ring and URNGH!

"Hah!" Tarou snorted.   "Femboy might be strong, but all that metal up
duckboy's sleeves has GOT to be heavier than he can handle."

"Well," Daisuke said, "it looks like he isn't giving up, though."  He
pointed to the ring, where Ranma twirled Mousse around and let go.

"AND RANMA THROWS MOUSSE INTO THE BARRIERS!  IS THIS THE END OF THE
FIGHT?!  OR--"

Mousse stood up.

"--HE'S GETTING UP!  HE'S ACTUALLY GETTING UP--"

"Shut up already!"  Tarou snapped.

"Not enough, Saotome," he taunted.  "Let's see you handle THIS!"  In no
time flat, Mousse took something out and whipped it at Ranma, who
leapt away from a portion of the mat now occupied by a brick.

"And Mousse brings out the heavy weaponry," Daisuke commented.  "I
wonder how long this'll last..."

The mat was soon scattered with bricks, and Ranma was busy running
around, ducking and dodging projectile masonry.  Mousse whirled about,
trying to get proper aim at Ranma.  "Damn you, Saotome," he spat.  "Why
don't you just...stand...STILL?!"

Ranma grinned and kept on running.  Just a little bit longer...

Mousse's eyes narrowed.

"And Ranma continues dodging!" Hiroshi shouted.  "Why hasn't he attacked
yet?!"

Daisuke tapped his chin, then suddenly brightened.  "It's because he's
setting up for a--"

"HIRYUU SHOUTEN HOOF!" Ranma choked, as Mousse punched him in the gut.

"Sorry, Saotome."  Mousse clucked his tongue as he wagged his finger.
"You can't do that unless your opponent's angrACK!"

"And Ranma's laying into Mousse like there's no tomorrow!" Hiroshi
screamed.

"Duckboy shouldn't have bothered explaining and finished him off."

With a cry of "TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!" Ranma fended Mousse off, driving him
back step by step by step by step, until the pair reached the edge of
the mat.  Preparing for the knockout blow, Ranma reared his hand...

...and blinked as Shampoo was tagged by Mousse and entered the ring,
with three simple words on her lips:

"Shampoo fight Ranma."

"Good gravy!" Hiroshi exclaimed.  "What's going to happen next?!"

"That's easy," Tarou snorted.  "Femboy doesn't hit women, so duckboy
got the bimbo to fight while he recovers.  This way either he tags out
and puts Akane in danger, or he spends his time dodging Shampoo and
wears down."

Ranma panicked.  He had COMPLETELY forgotten that this was Lambda and
that Shampoo was Mousse's partner.  Damn it, where was a glass of cold
water when you needed one?  Blocking a few blows from Shampoo's bonbori,
Ranma made his way back to his edge of the mat.

"Akane!" he called.  "Are you ready?"

"Yes!" she called back.

"Now!" he shouted as they slapped hands together.  Akane scrambled
inside as Ranma made his way out.  Shampoo greeted her with a look of
contempt.

"Violent girl no match for Shampoo."

Akane smiled a confident smile and returned the look.  "We'll see about
that."

She then proceeded to rush in with a barrage of punches and kicks,
immediately putting Shampoo on the defensive as she frantically dropped
her bonbori and threw up her arms.

"And Akane does to Shampoo what Mousse did to Ranma in the beginning,"
Daisuke noted.  "She seems a lot more controlled in her fighting than in
the last match we saw her in, though."

"Yeah," Tarou snorted.  "Then again, she was being attacked by Little
Miss Succubus last time."

Shampoo leapt backwards out of the way, picked up the bonbori and struck
Akane in the back a couple of times, but she didn't go down.  Instead,
she tried her best to return a few of those moves herself, driving her
fists through the bonbori and smashing them to small bits of wood.  This
made Shampoo drive back even further as she desparately launched a
flurry of punches which, although striking glancing blows a couple of
times, were mostly blocked.

Soon, both girls were at the edge of the mat.

Akane grinned.  She might have only trained with Ranma for a month, but
that month had done much to improve her focus and speed.  She could WIN
this fight with a bit of work, she COULD win this fight, SHE could--

Shampoo eyed Akane warily for a moment.  With a bit of luck she might be
able to win the match on her own, but she could just as easily lose as
well.  And they couldn't take that chance, they had to win this time.
They HAD to win this fight, they had to WIN this fight, THEY--

"And Shampoo tags out, bringing Mousse back into the ring!" Hiroshi
roared.

"The catgirl's probably feeling the effects of Marlo whipping her ass
over the past couple of weeks," Tarou commented.

Mousse leapt in and wasted no time launching his offensive, as Akane
tried her best to dodge and block the chains coming her way.  All five,
six, seven, eight, nine--

"And Mousse has her wrapped in chains!  Can she escape before something
happens?  Can Ranma help her get out in time?  What's going to happen
next?!" Hiroshi wailed.

"Don't think either of those'll happen," Tarou stated.  "Duckboy seems
to have a pretty good grip on Akane there.  My bets are on Ducky and the
catgirl."

Akane strugged to break loose of the chains wrapped around her.  She
couldn't lose this fight, not today, she had to break free of all the
chains, even if they were closing in on her slowly and choking her
slowly like...

"AKANE!"  Ranma shouted desperately as he rushed to her side of the
apron.  "Akane!  I'm right here!  Try to tag out!  Akane!"

Akane snapped awake, hearing Ranma's voice.  So close, yet so far...she
tried reaching out, but her hands were tied down to the rest of her body
and couldn't move at all...

Ranma grit his teeth.  One last option left...

"Akane, you flat-chested tomboy!  What's the matter, too weak to break
loose?  No way!  You've got the strength of a gorilla underneath those
fat thighs!"

Hiroshi blinked.  "And it looks like Ranma's snapped!  What on earth is
he doing insulting his--oh."

Akane's ki flared briefly and she rushed at Ranma, snapping two chains
apart with ease...

"RANMA, YOOoooou..."

...before she sank to the floor, passed out unconscious from the seven
other chains wrapped around her.

Ranma watched Mousse unwrap a few chains to allow Akane to breathe a
little more easily while the referee finished the ten-count and declared
the Amazons the winners.  Shampoo walked up to the apron amidst all the
jeering in the crowds as she snapped up the microphone and started
speaking into it.

"Shampoo and Mousse want talk to stick-boy and loud man!  We think you
not deserve Lambda title, and we want take it from you!  We want
challenge you fight next week!"

"HARK!" harked Haohmaru from the entrance right behind Shampoo into the
ring.  "IT IS DECIDED THAT THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU AND HIS NOT-SO-
LEGENDARY STUDENT SHALL HONOR YOUR CHALLENGE, AS ALL SAMURAI ARE BOUND
BY HONOR TO DO!  ENLIGHTENMENT!  WE SHALL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!"

"Isn't that exciting, ladies and gentlemen?!" Hiroshi exclaimed.  "It
looks like we've got a fight laid down for next week!"

"And we'll take this opportunity to take a break," Daisuke interrupted.
"We'll be right back after these messages."

***

[Scene: The Ultra locker room.  Focus on Shingo in his regular fighting
uniform, facing the camera.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[Fields outside the Ultradome.  Focus on Shingo, in Wolverine costume.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[Ultradome fighting arena.  Shingo in Team Rocket uniform.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[Spanish announcer's table, collapsed.  In Sakura seifuku.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[CHAOS room, in power tie, shirt, Mr. Duck on shoulder and spiky hair.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[Training area, red Chinese shirt and black slacks, pigtail.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[Shower room, Morrigan costume.]

SHINGO: I am Shingo Yabuki.

[Fade to black, then fade in following:]

Kanzuki Corp.  We just did it.

***

"And we're back!" Hiroshi grinned.  "And this match looks like it's
gonna be a SLOBBERKNOCKER of a fight!"

"If I had a yen every single time I heard you say that..." Tarou
muttered.

"Whatever."  Hiroshi rolled his eyes and continued.  "Introduced just
last week and already popular among some fans--" The camera briefly
cut to a sign reading "I'D BE YOUR SERVANT, KARIN!"-- "give an Ultra
large welcome to...KARINNNNNN KANZUKI!"

A jungle remix of the Brandenburg Concerto thundered through the Dome as
Karin strode down the aisle up to the arena to the cheers of the crowd
and let out a dainty version of the roaring bitch laugh that everyone
knew and loved.

"Her opponent needs no introduction.  Ladies and gentlemen...MARLOOOOO
SEMAJ!"

Marlo strutted down the aisle to some bass-heavy hiphop music that was
barely audible above the boos and hisses that he was getting and stopped
short of the apron, face distorted in disbelief.  Motioning for a
microphone, he brought it to his mouth and shouted out, "All right!
Who's the joker who set me up with THIS bitch?!"  Ignoring the increased
jeering of the crowd, he continued.  "Nabiki's crazy if she thinks that
new bait's gonna put up a good fight against Marlo!  Forget it, I'm
outta here."

He threw the microphone down and began to storm back out when an
amplified ***[AHEM]*** came from the loudspeakers.  Turning around, the
girl he was supposed to fight posed with arms akimbo and a sneer on her
face.

"You're not going anywhere, Mister Furnityre Saviour!" she exhalted.
"If you're really THAT afraid of fighting a new girl..."

"I don't have time to kick your puny ass, I've got other things to do.
Like finding someone who can actually FIGHT."

The crowd was mixed with boooooooooooooos and ooooooooooooooohs as they
caught Marlo's response.

"Oh, I can fight," Karin announced, hand over her mouth in a taunting
manner.  "I believe I'll have to prove it to you right here!"

Marlo grinned as he strode up to the ring.  "Don't say I didn't warn
you, missie."

][ GAMMA MATCH
][ KARIN KANZUKI vs. MARLO SEMAJ
][ FIGHT!

The first pieces of furniture to be thrown at Karin were a wreath, a
wicker chair, a leather sofa, and a sculpture made of yule logs.  She
hastily countered with a series of palm strikes, turning the pile into
all that much wreckage splintered about the ring, then slammed forward,
diving through a barrage of lampposts and cord lights.  Marlo then
blocked with an oak cupboard and caught Karin in some tinsel.

"Had enough yet, missie?" Marlo sneered.

Karin's response was a double elbow blow in Marlo's gut and a curt
reply of "I think you don't take me seriously, boy!"  She tore the
tinsel off and slammed Marlo into the air, eyeing him as he sailed in an
arc and landed back on the mat.

"That was a quick match," Daisuke commented.

"It isn't over yet," Tarou noted.  "Marlo's got this way of coming back
atcha when you think he's down for the count."

Karin regarded Marlo's slumped body for a moment, then backed away
slowly as the referee began his count.

He got as far as five when Marlo shot back up, his shirt mildly ruffled
but the rest of him none the worse for wear.  "Like I said, babe," he
taunted, "there ain't no way some half-assed greenie's gonna get her way
past ME."  He then proceeded to whip out a steel bell rack and waved it
at Karin, who tried to jump back but was struck in the forearms before
landing.

"See?  What'd I tell ya?" Tarou smirked.  "Marlo is hardly ever down for
the count.  It's just not him."

Karin dropped to the ground, wincing at her injury.  It hurt, but not
enough to make a drastic difference--yet.  It'd catch up with her
tomorrow morning, but it didn't hurt now.  She swept her legs underneath
Marlo, tripping him up.  He supported himself with a lamppost, stood up,
and swung the post at Karin, who threw her arms up in defense and got
tagged in the forearms again.

THIS time it hurt badly, and the small gasp of air she took didn't
escape Marlo's notice.  Grinning dangerously, he took out a solid oak
bookcase and hurled it at Karin.

"And it looks like Marlo's wearing Karin down," Daisuke commented.

"Man knows his tactics," Tarou added.

Out came the bedpost, the desk, and the dinnertable, all as solid as
they came, and all of them being lashed at Karin, blocking them and
taking all the damage in her arms, over and over and over again.  Pain
seared up her nerves, causing her to scream out and drop to the floor.
She knew she couldn't handle much more.  Maybe if she lay down a
little...

"And Karin goes down and STAYS down after an incredible thrashing!"
Hiroshi yelled.  "Is this the end of a promising career for Karin?  Or
is she gonna kick Marlo's ass like there's no tomorrow?!"

The referee knelt down beside her body and began the ten count.

"The career one," Tarou replied.

"Oh, shut up," Hiroshi muttered, barely audibly.

Marlo thrust his hands up in the air and shouted "WHO'S THE MAN, HUH?!
WHO just laid the smack down on her miniskirt-clad ass?!  WHO'S YOUR
DADDY?!"

The audience cheered, which Marlo immediately realized was not the
reaction they'd normally have.  Turning around, he--

In slow motion, he watched as she leapt at him, knees thrust out to
collide with his chin, a smirk of knowing victory on her face, and
completely unaware of the chains coming from behind and snagging her
back.  Then he watched the expression of complete surprise, eyes bugging
out, mouth widening, and arms and legs flying forward as Mousse pulled
her away and onto the floor outside the arena.

Mousse hovered over Karin's evidently-shocked face and flatly stated,
"Nobody gets to Marlo before I do.  Not you, not Bean, not anyone."

The crowd watched in amazement and despise as the Chinese boy walked up
to Marlo and spat in his face.

"You still think you can take me on, huh?" Marlo shouted.  "Didn't you
learn last time that Marlo is just too good a fighter for ya?  DIDN'T
YA?!"

"Shut up and fight," Mousse spat.

][ HARDCORE MATCH
][ MARLO vs. MOUSSE
][ FIGHT!

The two of them practically leapt at each other, exchanging blows while
manuvering around the ring, when the bell sounded the end of the match
and the referee rushed in between the two of them, holding them both
back at once.

"All right, that's enough out of both of you.  Marlo, your opponent wins
by default, as you had outside help."

"DAMN YOU, MOUSSE!" Marlo shouted, leaping at the robe-clad boy again--

--and halted by the security personnel that immediately grabbed hold of
the pair.  "That's enough.  I said, this match is OVER," the referee
reaffirmed.  "Now get going, you two."  He watched as both fighters were
whisked off in opposite directions.

Hiroshi looked on, stunned.  "...Aaaaaaaaaaaand that's the match!  We'll
be right back after a word from our sponsor."

"Don't worry, I feel cheated too," Tarou got in edgewise.

Daisuke rolled his eyes and muttered "Oh b--"

***

Ranma sat in the infirmary beside Akane when her eyes fluttered open.
"Akane!" he shouted.  "Are you okay?  Can ya hear me?"

"--JERK!" she screamed, as a mallet appeared from nowhere and crashed to
the floor, immediately earning an "Ack!" and a quick dodge from Ranma.
She sat up in her bed, finally snapping into full consciousness.  "Huh?
What am I doing here?  Where did..."  Her voice trailed off as she put
two and two together.

"Ya passed out," Ranma confirmed.  "Mousse and Shampoo won."

"I...I knew it," Akane whispered.  "I'm sorry, Ranma, I just..."

Ranma hesitantly put his arm around her shoulder, lightly reddening.
"Aw, it ain't your fault, you know?  Mousse's better than he used ta be,
now that he doesn't need those glasses.  I almost couldn't fight him."

Akane blushed too, but that escaped Ranma's eyes.  "I know, it's just
that we tried so hard, and trained for a month, and--"

"Stupid girl," Ranma said in a tone too affectionate for the words to be
harsh.  "We ain't gonna be masters in a month, all right?  I know I made
lotsa mistakes out there tonight because I forgot that you were there to
help me out.  I promise, we WILL get better at this.  It just isn't
gonna happen right now, that's all."

He took a moment to pat her shoulder.  "Get a little rest, okay?  Doctor
says you're okay, you'll just be in for the night for checkups and
stuff.  I'll go and--"

"Ranma?"

Ranma froze.  "Y-yeah?"

"Could you just stay here for a little bit longer?"  Akane looked up,
her eyes showing a hint of white and her cheeks a hint of red.

"O-o-okay," Ranma stuttered.

Akane sighed and leaned her head on Ranma's arm before closing her eyes
and drifting back to sleep, a smile on her face.

***

"And we're back," Daisuke said.  "Our next fight is Omega, so let's all
look to the UltraTron and say hello to Krillin."

"Hi, Krillin!  Merry Christmas!" Hiroshi called out.

"You too, Hiroshi," Krillin replied.  "I'm just waiting for the fighters
to come in, which should be in just a sec.  How're things going?"

"Just hunky-dory over here.  You?"

"My nose is itchy, but I'm okay otherwise."  Krillin paused for a moment
to scratch at the middle of his face while the cohosts and most of the
audience pondered the concept of Krillin with a nose.

Daisuke's hand pressed up against his ear.  "Hey, we're getting word
that the fighters're coming in now, so get ready."

***

The North Pole was, as expected, freezing cold.  Polar bears roamed
about and snow flurries abound, with very little sunlight illuminating
the area.  A crew of three UltraCams equipped with giant spotlights
panned through the landscape, focusing on the untouched drifts of snow
and the beautiful glaciers in the distance.

One UltraCam stopped and turned about just in time to see the portal
open, revealing the awe-inspiring mecha that was EVA-00.  Inside, Rei
piloted the machine to the designated starting area and held position.

Following soon after was B-ko Daitokuji and one of the most inspiring,
breathtaking marvels of metal ever created, guided to a spot about
thirty meters away from Rei's machine.

And then it raised its hand and let out one of the loudest (amplified)
bitch laughs ever known to mankind.  Twenty miles away, Santa and his
elves briefly stopped their toymaking and covered their ears.

"OOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHO!  Prepare to face your doom, wench, at the hands of
my lastest invention!  Meet the FURIOUS MAIDEN OF RETRIBUTION!"

Krillin paused.  "Isn't that the Statue of Liberty?"

You could almost hear B-ko blink.  "Beg pardon?"

Krillin continued.  "You know, the famous American landmark.  You've
even got the torch, the book, and the toga--"

"SILENCE!" B-ko cried from the crown of the Statue--er, cockpit of the
mecha.  "This is the Furious Maiden of Retribution, and no one shall
insult it by insisting it is *American!*  Now let us make haste and
begin this match!"

"Fine, fine," Krillin muttered.

][ OMEGA MATCH
][ B-KO DAITOKUJI/F.M. OF RETRIBUTION vs. REI AYANAMI/EVA-00
][ FIGHT!

The first thing B-ko did was aim the torch at the Eva, causing flames to
spew forth in a hellish blaze as its target hastily moved aside to avoid
it.  Pressing on, the Furious Maiden ran and jumpkicked the Eva as best
as it could, flashing a view of...whatever was underneath that toga to
Rei, who in turn countered by grabbing ahold of the Maiden's legs and
tossed it off to the side.

In the Maiden's cockpit, B-ko struggled furiously with the mere game
console joystick she used to pilot the mecha with.  "You may have your
Eva, but *I* have the Advantage!  OOOOOOOOHOHOHOHO!  Salvo one, FIRE!"
A quick burst of missiles launched out of the spikes above the Maiden's
cockpit, automatically aiming at EVA-00.

In turn, Rei narrowed her eyes as she activated her A.T. Field and
prevented impact from the salvo, then drew out her progressive knife and
charged at the Furious Maiden, swiping every which way possible, leaving
no spot open for exploitation.

B-ko mashed a few buttons on the joystick as she dodged left and right,
avoiding each swipe by a large, copper hair's breadth, before countering
with an elbow blow to the back of the Eva's spinal area and shoving it
onto the ground.

Scrambling to rebalance her Eva, Rei turned the machine about and--

Looked down the barrel of a plasma gun wielded by Lady Liberty herself.

"OOOOOHOHOHOHOHO!" B-ko laughed.  "You aren't getting away this time,
little girl!"  The trigger finger on the Furious Maiden started to
tighten...

**Rei!** Hiroshi's voice cackled over the speaker.  **Rei!  Don't just
stand there, get out of the way!**

In the Ultradome, Hiroshi's eyes narrowed.

"hiroshi...i cannot..."

**Dammit, you can!**  Was it the radio fuzz, or did Hiroshi sound a
little harsher?  **You've got to move, NOW!**

"i--"

**[NOW!]** Hiroshi's voice snapped.  Rei jerked to the side just in time
for the blast to go off next to her head.

In the Ultradome, Hiroshi's teeth grit audibly until Daisuke tapped him
on the shoulder.

B-ko's eyes widened as EVA-00 jerked up, kneed the Furious Maiden in the
stomach and then uppercutted it in the face, sending her on a trip
around the cockpit and letting go of her joystick.  B-ko dove across the
floor to retrieve it and mashed a few buttons in response, catching
EVA-00 across the shoulder and ducking to avoid another punch sent in
its way.  Grabbing a subsonic rifle out of subspace, she twisted about
and fired a few shots at close range.

Rei ducked and dodged and activated her A.T. Field, effectively blocking
all the shots B-ko fired off.  In return, Rei pulled out a rifle from
the Eva's back and returned fire.  The two continued exchanging energy
blasts at each other as they weaved, dodged, and ducked.

"And B-ko and Rei continue in a heated firefight," Daisuke commented.
"Who will be the one to come out on top?"

Hiroshi's teeth ground against one another as he waged internal war.

The battle heated up even further as B-ko let loose four salvoes of
missiles at EVA-00 in an attempt to break through the A.T. Field.  One
by one, the missiles crashed against the hexagonal shield and exploded
harmlessly.  Krillin shouted "This is nuts!" and dove for cover
underneath the snow.  The Furious Maiden, having successfully slowed
down the Eva with its missiles, caught up and yanked its opponent's
power cord, dropping it down to the ground.

Even before turning around, the sound of B-ko's subsonic rifle pushing
up against the head of EVA-00 was audible.  Rei's eyes closed briefly,
and she inhaled...

"Match's up," Tarou commented.  "I was rooting for the albino chick, but
it doesn't look like it's gonna happen."

B-ko let out a joyful laugh of glee as she pulled the trigger.

*CLICK*

*CLICK*

*CLICKCLICKCLICK*

"Or maybe it will," Tarou amended.

Rei took the opportunity to roll out of B-ko's sight, pick up the prog
knife laying a couple hundred meters away and slice the barrel of the
rifle clean off.  B-ko, suddenly realizing how out of ammunition she
was, leapt backward multiple times, evading the path blazed by EVA-00's
blade.  After the fifth or six dodge, the Furious Maiden just couldn't
handle the terrain and stumbled in the snowdrift.

Krillin rose from the snow, hearing (or not hearing, rather) the sounds
of the war waged just moments earlier.  Following the path of melted
snow, he finally came upon the fallen Furious Maiden of Retribution, its
opponent hovering above it like a vulture saying grace before mealtime.
With a long glance to the camera, he declared, "It's over.  Rei Ayanami
in EVA-00 wins."

Daisuke glanced over to Hiroshi, who declined a comment.  "Um...was...
wasn't that a good match, folks?" he tried.

The audience cheered a 'yes' in response.

Rei closed her eyes and awaited the portal when her radio crackled to
life again.  **Rei?  Rei!**

"hai?"

**Are you all right?!** Hiroshi's voice, frantic as it was, made itself
known over the receiver.

"hai."

**Okay, that's good.  Now I need you to do something for me.**

"what is it?"

**That bitch needs to be taught a lesson.  Nobody hurts you and gets
away with it!**

Hiroshi's eyes widened.  "WHAT?!"

"please clarify."

**That progressive knife of yours--use it on her.  Don't let her get
away with abusing you, Rei!  If you won't do it for yourself, do it for
me!**

Hiroshi's hands slammed down on the table and he shot up out of his
chair.  "THAT RAT BAST*MMPH!*"

Daisuke gave Hiroshi a warning glance before removing his hand from his
mouth.  Hiroshi nodded and, with a mild look of despair, sat back down
in his seat.

"i cannot.  i have already defeated her, there is no need to--"

**Very well, then.** Gendo Ikari's voice spoke.  **If you will not take
a request from your boyfriend, you will take an order from me.  Rei,
your future lies on making sure she is out of the picture.**

Rei's eyes narrowed.  "affirmative, commander."

Krillin was ready to request the portal when he noticed EVA-00 drawing
its progressive knife again, poised to deal a killing blow.  "NO!" he
screamed, as he scrambled toward the two robots.

It was too late.  The knife began its downward descent, aiming right at
the throat of--

The sound of a sword plunging through metal is one not easily
recognized.  However, when the sword in question is the Masamune, the
odds of recognition suddenly soar.

Sephiroth withdrew his blade from EVA-00's power core, sending klaxons
sounding through the mecha.  Rei's eyes narrowed, and turned about to
face her current opponent.

"You shall not hurt B-ko," Sephiroth simply stated, eyes narrowed and
Masamune at the ready.

**Rei, complete your order,** Gendo's voice commanded at the same time
as the five-minute timer lit up.

[5:00]

"affirmative," Rei simply stated.

Krillin just shook his head, muttering "This..." before getting back a
safe distance.

][ OMEGA MATCH (UNSCHEDULED)
][ REI AYANAMI/EVA-00 vs. SEPHIROTH
][ GUEST BOOKER: THE ETERNAL LOST LURKER
][ FIGHT!

[4:49]

Rei turned back to her objective of destroying the Furious Maiden, but
was met with a flurry of violence as blows from Sephiroth's Masamune
took effect, shorting out motor circuits in the arms briefly.  The
circuits were rerouted, but it was more than enough time for Sephiroth
to dart to the front of the Maiden and hold Masamune defensively.

[4:40]

"remove yourself from my path, or you shall die."

"Not today, child."  Sephiroth tensed, waiting for the biomech's
reaction.  The knife plummeted downward, and Sephiroth grunted as he--
incredibly--parried the blow with the Masamune, though clearly the
effort knocked the wind out of him.  Rei scooped him up with the Eva's
other hand, and flung him into the distance.

[4:36]

Rei moved to once again finish off B-ko.  She raised the knife...and it
was knocked from her mech's hand by a hail of small fiery comets.
Sephiroth reappeared, and began raining magical and physical blows on
the Evangelion, whose weakened AT field was insufficient to fully
protect it.

[4:28]

"enough of this.  psycho crasher." Unit-00 plowed through the air,
flaring with malevolent energies as it slammed into Sephiroth's magical
barrier, which collapsed under the strain. B-ko furiously struggled to
right the Furious Maiden.

[4:22]

Sephiroth propped himself up against Masamune, grunting.  "Alright...
it's time to show you a new trick."  Sephiroth slid a large chunk of
pumice into the hilt of his sword, and raised it skyward, standing
upright.  "ETERNAL DARKNESS!"

The sky turned black and various bizarre effects of light and shadow
played across the landscape as a giant...something descended from the
heavens.  Rei watched warily as the massive metallic shape descended,
waves of energy roiling and boiling from it as it slowly transformed
into a massive mecha.  Beams of dark energy lanced forth from it,
striking at the Eva's AT field, ending finally in one huge blast of
power that sent the Evangelion flying.  The titanic mecha vanished from
whence it came, and the sky cleared.

[2:54]

Unit-00 staggered to its feet.  "your attacks are pathetic, and will
fail," Rei declared.

Sephiroth smirked.  "We shall see who is pathetic.  I will not allow you
to harm B-ko to please your master."  He rose into the air, glowing with
strange energies, and for a moment, his image was superimposed with that
of a seraphic being with one twisted, misshapen dark wing.  "Supernova."

Rei jerked in the cockpit of the Eva as she was buffeted by visions of a
star system collapsing, dying, planets straying from their orbits and
becoming as dust, gravity warping and straining, and finally a great
star exploding outward, its death throes searing her...

[0:33]

"Ummm...I'm not sure if that was a technical foul or not," Krillin said,
poking his head up from where he'd hidden during the onslaught.

Sparks flew from the damaged armor of the Evangelion, and thick,
unnatural blood flowed from between cracks in the massive metal plates.
Unit-00 rose to its feet shakily, one arm hanging useless at its side,
the other weakly clutching the progressive knife.  "will...not...fail
commander ikari," Rei said.  The Eva staggered forward a few steps.
"stand...aside..."

"You just don't understand, do you, child?" Sephiroth asked, shaking his
head.  "I can continue to throw power at you all day that your wind-up
toy simply cannot handle, whereas you..."  He paused, checking an
imaginary wristwatch.  "...are about out of time."

[0:22]

Unit-00 staggered toward the Furious Maiden.  Step by tortuous step, the
lanky machine drew near.

[0:15]

Sephiroth waited calmly.

[0:10]

"you...will..."

[0:07]

"...not...stop..."

[0:03]

"...me..."

[0:00]

*CLUNK*

Unit-00 toppled to the ground in mid-step, motionless. Sephiroth smiled.
"Apparently, I will."

"And Sephiroth defeats Rei in a spectacular battle," Daisuke finished.
He looked at Hiroshi, who was remarkably silent, then at Tarou.
"Comments, Tarou?"

"You know," Tarou remarked, leaning back in his chair, "baldy isn't much
of a referee.  I mean, he didn't even try to stop clone-girl from trying
to kill the mecha freak."

"I don't see where he had much time to react," Daisuke noted.

Tarou shrugged.  "Maybe if he did more than run away all the time..."

The referee in question turned to the still-active camera at Tarou's
comment.  "Wanna run that by me again, pal?"

Tarou blinked, then smirked as he realized the two-way feed was still
on.  "You heard me, baldy.  What are you even doing hanging around Omega
fights?  I doubt you could even hold back a Gamma level fighter if you
even pretended to do your job right."

Krillin frowned.  "I can't say I care much for the way you do *your* job
either, Tarou, but I don't stick my nose in where it doesn't belong, and
neither should you."

"What nose?" Tarou shot back, chuckling.  "And at least I'm qualified to
do my job.  You're not even as strong as one of the Pink Wonder's
farts."

The short, bald monk scowled.  "You're treading on dangerous ground,
friend.  I'm stronger than you might think."

Tarou raised an eyebrow.  "Is that so?  Prove it."

"What are you doing, Tarou?" Daisuke asked.

The effeminate Chinese man ignored him.  "You, me, next week's show,
baldy.  Try not to run away like a chicken."

Krillin stared at him.  "You're...serious, aren't you?  You really want
to fight me?"

Tarou grinned.  "Not that it'll be much of a fight, but yeah."

Krillin shrugged.  "Well, okay...if your boss agrees to it.  Don't say I
didn't warn you, though..."

"Oooh, the little bald ref that couldn't is warning ME?" Tarou clucked.

The UltraTron switched to split-screen mode, and Nabiki appeared on one
half of the screen.  "Save it for the fight, Tarou," she said.
"Ordinarily I wouldn't agree to something like this, but it might be
interesting, so...your little exhibition match will take place on the
New Year's show one week from tonight."

"You heard it right here, ladies and gentlemen!" Hiroshi enthused,
recovering from earlier.  "The bastard announcer from hell, Tarou, and the
Omega referee, Krillin, will fight it out right here on Ultra! Be sure to
tune in for that exciting match next week!"

Daisuke eyed Tarou eyed Hiroshi.  Hiroshi sweatdropped.

Quickly grabbing the microphone, Daisuke covered with "We'llbebackafter
thesemessages."

***

B-ko awoke in the Ultra infirmary, trying to remember the outcome of her
match.  That peasant had defeated her!  That wretched mecha of hers had
defeated her own!  That...

...fine piece of bioengineered machinery, funded by...

She thought about it some more.

***

Hiroshi eyed the camera nervously.  "We're back, and I just want to
state for the record that Tarou is not a bastard announcer from Hell."

Tarou nodded.

Hiroshi resumed his bright-eyed, energetic personality.  "...and now
that I have that over with, let's keep it moving!  We've got something
special for you, our viewers, tonight!"

"That's right," Daisuke added.  "We promised you a present, and here it
is."  Turning around, he watched as a giant box descended from the
ceiling, wrapped in red holiday paper.  Spotlights whirled about and the
crowd waited, hushed in anticipation.  And then it unraveled,
revealing...

Nothing.

Until snow started falling on the ground.

The crowd started cheering as the sound of jingle bells echoed through
the stadium, and snowmakers furnished and installed courtesy of This Old
Dojo did their jobs exceptionally well.

"Good golly, it's CHRISTMAS IN ULTRA!" Hiroshi shouted.  "Tonight our
fighters are gonna have a good ol'-fashioned SNOWBALL FIGHT!"

The crowd, predictably, roared.

"This fight is considered Hardcore," Daisuke noted.  "The stipulations
allow for Omega fighters as long as they don't destroy the dome, and
the last one standing will win the match.  The belt isn't up for grabs
today, but we're sure everyone is going to have a great time."

"That's right!" Hiroshi exclaimed.  "Okay, everyone, just COME OOOOOOOON
DOWN!"

][ SPECIAL CHRISTMAS HARDCORE MATCH
][ SNOWBALL FIGHT!
][ GO !!

It wasn't long before a shout of "PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!" rang through the
arena.  The crowd cheered and responded with a cry of "AND MAKE IT
DOUBLE!"

Jingle bells sounded over the PA again as a sleigh came down the aisle
pulled by eight Stantler.

"TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION!" Jessie cried.

"TO UNITE ALL PEOPLE WITHIN OUR NATION!" James responded.

The crowd took over from there.  "TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND
LOVE!" screamed the female half of the audience.

"TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE STARS ABOVE!"

"JESSIE!"

"JAMES!"

"TEAM ROCKET BLAST OFF AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!"

"SURRENDER NOW, OR PREPARE TO FIGHT!"

And a decent number of people in the audience cried "PIKACHU!"

Jessie powerposed and grabbed a microphone from...somewhere.  "We're
ready to take on all challengers!  Come one, come all!"

James scooped up a handful of snow and packed it together.  "And we
won't take 'no' for an answer!"

As if in response to their challenge, dropping in from the sky came...

"Holy yikes!" Hiroshi exclaimed in surprise.  "Our second challenger in
the snowball match: DAN!"

Dan made a deep impression in the snow, then shot up.  Dressed in a pink
Santa suit and shaking his arm, he shouted "HO HO HOOOOOOOOYAJI!  Face
the merry yet mighty wrath of...DANTA CLAUS!"

Jessie and James made impressions in the snow as they facefaulted.  As
they stood up again, they picked up more snow and started launching
snowballs at the pink wonder, who threw a number of them back.

"OOSHA!  Taste the power of the Saikyo Super Snowball-fu techniques!"
Dan cried as he flung a number of snowballs Gadouken style.

Hiroshi whispered intensely into the mike.  "We've got three people in
the running.  Who else is gonna show up?"  Picking up in voice, he
continued.  "Come on, let's see some more action over there!"

More music blared as Marlo slid in on a tobaggan, much to people's
jeering.  "If it's Hardcore, it's Marlo!" he shouted as he landed on
the members of Team Rocket.  "Come on, let's see you guys stand up to
THIS!"

"And Marlo enters the ring," Tarou commented.  "This might make things a
bit more interesting."

Marlo hopped off his board, scooped up a bunch of snowballs and started
hurtling them at Dan using a special snowball launcher.  Dan dodged and
continued tossing them at Marlo, each pegging the other occasionally.

From underneath the tobaggan, a cry of "Waaah!  Jessie, the man messed
up my hair!" was heard.

"Don't worry, James, it'll be all right," came another voice.

The two members of Team Rocket stood up, tossed the tobaggan aside (and
blocking a few snowballs along the way) and walked out of the Dome.

Marlo continued throwing and dodging snowballs when once smacked him...
from behind.  He whirled around to see Bean storming down at him.  "That
was for Teef," he hissed.

He paused a moment, and continued.  "And these are for ME."  Diving into
the snow, he tossed snowball after snowball at Marlo, dodging a few that
were returned at him.

"YAHOOIE!" Dan exclaimed.  "Marlo, you've been naughty this year, and
for that you get a LUMP OF SNOW!"  The sound of multiple snowballs
*DOOF*ing could be heard throughout the Dome.

The three of them continued tossing snowballs back and forth until a cry
of "WHOO!" got the attention of everyone in the stadium.

Sakura ventured onto the court, giving the crowd a wink and a thumbs-up.
"Hey there, I'm back!" she cried.  People in the arena shouted and
hooted their approval as she walked down into the ring and packed up
some snow, hurling it at Marlo.

"Heyhey!" shouted a panicked Marlo.  "You guys so chicken ya hafta gang
up on me, huh?!  Why doncha throw some at each other?!"  He slung a few
more snowballs, all hitting Sakura dead on.

"What was that for?" Sakura demanded, throwing a few snowballs back.
"You got my fuku wet!"

"And it suits you well," Morrigan said as she sidled up to the
schoolgirl, who jerked away in automatic response.  "After all..."
Her gaze lowered from Sakura's face to her...

Sakura looked down, screamed, and covered herself.

"And the Shoto-wannabe makes the most of what little she's got again,"
Tarou deadpanned.

With that, Sakura started flinging snowballs left and right, hitting a
number of people but mostly aiming at Marlo, who finally collapsed with
a thump.

"And Marlo goes down!" Hiroshi shouted.  "Who's going to be the next
target?!"

"Morrigan, apparently," Daisuke replied as he eyed the goings-on in the
ring.  Dan hurled snowballs at SUPER SPEED! OOSHA! at the succubus,
catching her on the face and over her body, while Sakura and Bean pelted
her a few times but missed more often.  It was really annoying that
someone was stealing their snowballs right out of their hands--

"And it looks like Yuffie's entered the ring!" Hiroshi shouted.  "I
don't know how we missed her entrance!"

"You wouldn't have noticed your hair on fire the way you've been
watching the match," Tarou commented.

"Gotcha!" Yuffie sang as she flipped into the air and launched a few
snowballs at Bean and Sakura.  "Ganging up on someone is bad
sportsmanship, you know!"  She stuck out her tongue and tossed some
more snowballs at them.

Morrigan looked up at Yuffie with equally mild looks of annoyance and
relief and continued dodging the clumps of frozen water whizzing by her
face.  The snow already on her body had started to melt, allowing the
nosebleed section to show exactly how cold she was.

"Whoa," Hiroshi noted, wiping his nose furiously.

Daisuke rolled his eyes and tapped his friend on the shoulder.

Morrigan looked up, sultrily, at Dan.  "I've been very naughty, Santa,"
she purred.  "Give me a lump in my stocking."

Dan paused for a moment, deciding whether or not to--

He didn't, since Morrigan took the opportunity to *DOOF* him a good one
and knock him out.

Sakura and Bean continued exchanging fire--water?--with Yuffie, seeing
things hurtling back and forth.  Yuffie fashioned a few impromptu
snowstars and whipped them back.

"Things are really heating up--INCOMING!" Hiroshi shouted as he dodged a
stray snowball.

The remaining four danced and dodged in the arena, hurtling snowball
after snowball at each other, scooping and tossing, hitting and missing
their opponents.

"You are really beginning to tick me off, missie," growled Bean as he
dodged and threw what ammunition he had at Yuffie.

"Don't be such a meanie," Yuffie teased.  She rolled across the ground
and hand-delivered a piece of packed snow into Bean's face, sending him
off kilter for long enough to fall down.  He scrambled up, scooping
whatever snow he could get his hands on and tossed it all at the ninja
girl.

Morrigan gazed at Sakura.  "You know, this is turning me on."

Sakura shuddered, leaving her open to a *DOOF* from Yuffie, who pranced
away, giggling maniacally.  She then tried to throw a few snowballs as
return fire but got sprayed by friendly fire from Bean, who muttered a
quick apology as he continued chasing after Yuffie.

"And it looks like the players on the field have turned into two teams!"
Hiroshi exclaimed.  "Which team's going down first, and how are the
winners going to--WHAT THE?!"

"Hello, boys and girls!" Jack's voice echoed from the rafters.  "You
think you'd have this little party without me?  How rude!"

The man jumped down, revealing the elf suit he was wearing, and looked
around.  "Whaddaya say, Mr. Duck?  Shall we crash this fight?"

*squeak*

Jack grinned.  "We're thinking on the same level!  All right, let's
PARTY!"  And with that, he whipped out a snowblower out of...somewhere
and buried everyone into the ground.

"..." said the audience.

"..." said the announcers.

"..." said the now-entombed contestants, laying underneath a few feet of
snow.

Jack whistled a happy tune and strutted out of the arena.

"...and it looks like Jack wins the match?" Hiroshi asked more than
shouted, uncertainly.

"Guess so," Daisuke replied.

"...yeah."  Hiroshi brightened.  "And THAT'S the evening, ladies and
gentlemen!  I'm Hiroshi, he's Daisuke and that's Tarou, and THIS IS
ULTRA!  We wish you happy holiday and WE...ARE...OUTTA HERE!"

The arena filled with hard rock Christmas music as the cameras panned
around the stadium and faded to black.

***

][ ULTRA EPISODE #59 RESULTS RECAP:
][
][ RANMA and AKANE join LAMBDA.
][ JUSENKYO SURVIVORS def. ANYTHING GOES, now at 7W/5L.
][ KARIN KANZUKI def. MARLO SEMAJ on DQ, now at 1W/1L.
][ MOUSSE ticks off MARLO AGAIN.
][ REI AYANAMI/EVA-00 def. B-KO DAITOKUJI/F.M. of RETRIBUTION, now at
     6W/2L.
][ EVIL HIROSHI ticks off HIROSHI.
][ REI attempts to KILL B-KO on orders from EVIL HIROSHI and GENDO, but
     SEPHIROTH interferes.
][ SEPHROTH def. REI AYANAMI, now 10W/9L.
][ JACK wins HARDCORE SNOWBALL FIGHT.
][ THE AUTHOR wishes YOU HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

][ ANGLE SUMMARIES (picking up from Epsilon - sorry, Brian)

][ = Angle continues, may have new developments
[] = Angle is closed, might have been replaced
}{ = Entirely new angle
??  = Possible new angle?  (Can be derived from events)
XX = Didn't touch on this from past episode very well or at all

XX The War for Ultra: CHAOS/Jack vs. Nabiki Tendo
   (Jack's been back, but hasn't really tried anything to take Ultra
   over)
][ Shadowlaw's Reign of Terror
   (Bison intimidates B-ko and Nabiki, influencing card decisions and
   the like)
][ Bean Bandit, One Bad Mutha vs. Marlo, One Bad Seed
   (Bean's just waiting for his title shot)
][ Morrigan only has eyes for Sakura
   (Morrigan continues trying to pick up Sakura, rejected Karin last ep)
][ Nerima Follies
   (Ranma and Akane have paired up, still have a while to go)
[] The Mew(two) Conspiracies
   (Finished, Athena and co. rescused Mewtwo a few eps back)
XX Pokemon Wars / The Void rages on in a very adorable manner
   (Voiduck's got a hold on Ash, but isn't influencing Misty)
XX Dan Hibiki against Dark Schneider
   (Dan's won his belt, but can he keep it?)
XX Iori Yagami the Psycho Manic Depressive M*******ker
   (Retained the title against Ranma)
XX There's something about Mary
   (Mary sorted souls in REBOOT 2.0, but nothing new here)

Author's notes:

Wow.  *collapses*  That was one wild ride, and I enjoyed every minute of
it.  This chapter took a while longer than anticipated to write, due to
my ongoing trip to the U.S. and visiting friends and all.  Matter of
fact, I'm writing these notes in the middle of a party. ^_^;

Anyway, I've had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I'd like to
thank my prereaders--Ravi, Lurk, Illy, Ked, any other's I've missed--and
those who've suggested material for me, like 2f and Sakurambo.  Extra
kudos to Illy and Lurk for writing stuff that I just couldn't do on my
own.  LOVE AND PEACE! ^_^_v

This chapter is dedicated to the memory of James "Machaon" Chu, my older
brother who got me hooked on anime and fanfic in the first place.  He
would have been proud to see me get on this queue, and I hope I haven't
let him down.  This one's for you, 'niichan.  Merry Christmas.

And happy holidays to you, dear reader, for partaking in this chapter of
Ultra!  Good luck, Lurk!

--Lawrence Chu
December 31, 2000 -- the last day of the TRUE old millenium

Songs I Used for the Fighters:
MOUSSE/SHAMPOO - Beyond - Wobuxin (I can't)
RANMA/AKANE - Propellerheads - Spybreak (from the Matrix soundtrack)
KARIN KANZUKI - There is no Brandenburg jungle remix.  I made that up.
     ^_^;
MARLO SEMAJ - Bloodhound Gang - The Inevitable Return of the Great
     White Dope
And I didn't have anything in mind for the Omega fighters. ^_^;