"OOSHA!" "*giggle*" "Look at me, I'm nylon-boy!" "*giggle*" "KYOOOOOO!" Sakura doubled over laughing. "Shingo, cut it out! I thought we were gonna train!" The copycat fighter grinned as he returned to his normal outfit. "I *am* training, Sakura!" He quickchanged into a fuku identical to Sakura's. Sakura nearly fell over from the weight of the sweatdrop. "Mou, dame da..." "Well, are we gonna spar or what?" Shingo asked in a falsetto voice, tugging at his padded gloves. Sakura grinned. "Just for that, I'll kick your ass," she said. The two CHAOS members began sparring, laughing as they pulled off the same techniques at the same time. Outside the dojo, a scarlet-clad figure watched in silence for a long moment, then cleared her throat loudly. Shingo and Sakura looked up, and Shingo blushed. "Ummm...hi, Karin," he said, switching back to his normal outfit again. The preppy blonde placed her hands on her hips and glared at Shingo. "And just what do you think you're doing?" The alpha boyfriend blinked. "Sparring with Sakura?" Karin frowned. "You were SUPPOSED to be helping me today, remember? The new Kanzuki Ultrashop?" Shingo grimaced, smacking his forehead. "Oh, crap...I'm sorry, Karin." Karin smirked. "It's alright, but the next time you have an important playdate...just make sure you let me know, so I can schedule around you." With a parting glare at Sakura, she turned on her heel and stalked off. Sakura blinked. "What crawled up her ass?" Shingo sighed. "She just gets that way sometimes. I mean, I did sorta forget I was supposed to be helping her..." Sakura frowned. "Yeah, but she acts like she owns you or something sometimes. You're her boyfriend, not her slave..." Shingo shrugged. "Eh, just forget about it. Let's get back to work, okay?" ****** "Oi, Krillin!" The bald monk looked up at his oldest friend, and grinned. "Heya Goku. Glad to see you back on your feet...and out of your grave." Krillin chuckled at his own joke. Goku grinned. "Hey, if I wanted to hear bad jokes like that, I'd have stayed with Kaiou-sama." He paused for a moment. "Ne, Krillin, what's this I hear about you in an exhibition match?" Krillin frowned. "I let myself get baited into a match on the show with that ass Tarou." Goku's eyes widened. "With Tarou? You're kidding! That's not a fair fight! You'll beat the snot out of him!" Krillin shrugged. "He deserves it. Maybe getting his brains kicked in'll teach him a few manners." Goku hmmed. "Still...now, if this was the Budokai, it'd be okay to drop someone with one hit. But this is Ultra...these people like a good show." Krillin blinked. "So what, you want me to pull my punches or something?" Goku shook his head. "Nah, nothing that obvious. But..." He grinned. "I know! Come with me." Without waiting for a response, Goku touched two fingers to his forehead...and both referees disappeared. ****** The short-haired tomboy sighed in frustration. "Dad, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm only going to help you if you pay attention and concentrate! I have my own training to do, you know. Especially if I'm ever going to catch up to *him*..." The middle-aged man with the mustache gazed into his daughter's eyes pleadingly. "You've always been a good daughter...please don't abandon your poor old father in his time of need..." Tears started to well up in his eyes. The teenaged girl groaned. "Honestly, Dad, you're such a crybaby at times..." Sitting down, she held her hands in front of her. "Okay, watch carefully..." Mister Satan kept his eyes glued to his daughter's cupped hands as a ball of ki grew between them, sparkling brightly with her powerful life energy. "I still can't figure out how you do that trick, but it's very impressive." Videl let the ki flicker out, making an irritated sound. "For the millionth time, it isn't a TRICK! You just have to focus...like I told you..." She sighed. "It's no use. You'll never get it." She moved to leave. Satan clung to her ankle in a most undignified manner. "Please! Please! I can learn! You know I'm a great martial artist! I taught you everything you--well, ALMOST everything you know! Please teach me!" Videl looked down at her father, and shook her head. "Alright, Dad. Alright. One more time..." ****** LIVE! FROM THE ULTRADOME! THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AND IMPROFANFIC! IT'S TIME FOR... { M A G I C A L T R O U B L E S H O O T I N G } { C R O S S O V E R F I G H T I N G } { F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } { http://www.mtcffultra.com } Episode 60: New Year's Retributions Written by: The Eternal Lost Lurker ****** The Ultradome was dead silent. No sound whatsoever permeated the grand stadium; indeed, the crowd seemed to be generating a vacuum. Or at least, that's what the hearing-impaired gentleman in H-1D thought. To everyone else, the place was as ragingly loud as ever. "Are you ready for some....UUUULLLLLLTRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVIOLEEEEEEEENCE!?" Hell yeah, they were ready. "Well before we give you what you want..." Hiroshi shouted, posing dramatically with a remote control. He clicked a button. A giant ball slowly lowered into place over the ring, as the UltraTron began to count down the seconds until midnight. "TEN!" Began the crowd, as all crowds are wont to do on New Year's Eve. "NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!" The gleaming, spinning ball EXPLODED into glassy shards as a bubblegum pink comet streaked through it. Foot extended in a mighty kick, Dan roared "OOOOOOOSHAAAAA! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The crowd cheered wildly. Sparklers blazed, confetti fell, and Ultra staff passed out cups of champagne to everyone. "WELCOME, everyone, to the FIRST Ultra of TWO THOUSAND AAAAAAAAAAAAAND OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!" Hiroshi crowed. "And man, have we EVER got a show for you tonight!" "We resolve that Ultra will be exactly the same this year as it was last year," Tarou interrupted. "Full of losers, geeks, and--" "NEW YEAR, NEW BEER, AND NEW UUUUULLLLLLTRRRRRAAAAAAAVIIIIIIIOOOOOOLEEEEEEEEEEEENCE!" Hiroshi shouted, drowning out Tarou. Daisuke sweatdropped. "New beer?" Hiroshi chuckled nervously. "OKAY! We've got a GREAT show for you tonight! We'll kick it off with our Lambda title--" *BYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO----toktok* Hiroshi was cut off as the Samurai strode down the ramp, accompanied by the theme from Yojimbo. Taking the ring, Haohmaru raised his sword. "*ENLIGHTENMENT!*" Kunou climbed into ring, seeming to stumble slightly, and grabbed a microphone. "HARK, SPECTATORS! TONIGHT YOU WILL WITNESS ANOTHER GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR MY LEGENDARY MASTER AND HIS NEARLY-LEGENDARY STUPID--STUDENT! HIS LEDENGARY *STUDENT!*" The crowd laughed at Kunou's slip. Tarou snickered. Haohmaru facepalmed. "ALAS, MY NOBLE PUPIL CANNOT WELL HOLD HIS SAKE." The Amazons' music blared over the speakers, and Mousse and Shampoo strolled down to the ring. "This too easy!" Shampoo declared. "Stick-boy too too drunk to fight!" "I am not too funk to dright, and if I beat me, I shall date with me!" Everyone blinked as they tried to parse that comment. "Stick-boy always date with self," Shampoo said. "We fight now, yes?" ][ LAMBDA TITLE MATCH ][ MOUSSE/SHAMPOO vs. KUNOU/HAOHMARU ][ FIGHT!! Kunou slammed back his sake jug, wiped his mouth, and tossed it aside. Two guys in the crowd cheered as the legendary sake splashed all over them. "I shall allow the lovely lady the honor of going first," Kunou said. Shampoo shrugged. "Whatever." Leaping into the ring, she immediately went on the offensive. Bonbori struck against bokken as the drunken Kunou put up a wobbly yet effective defense. He lashed out with a couple weaving strikes, tagging Shampoo but not doing any significant damage. "Amazing!" Hiroshi shouted. "Even drunk, Kunou still puts up a good fight!" "Not that it takes much skill to beat the Chinese bimbo," Tarou snorted. "Taste my wood, maiden!" Kunou slurred. Shampoo paused to blink, almost getting knocked on the head in the process. "I no taste anything of you, but especially not that, pervert stick-boy!" Knocking aside his bokken with one mace, she rammed the other squarely into his gut. The kendoist doubled over, and... "Oh my GOD! I can't believe what I'm seeing!" "I can believe it, but I don't wanna see it," Daisuke muttered. "Guess who's coming up dinner," Tarou quipped. "None other than the Puke Thunder." The audience let out a collective EEEEEW as Kunou lost his lunch, breakfast, and possibly colon all over Shampoo. "AIYA! You no blow chunk on Shampoo!" The Amazon screamed, and hammered Kunou with her fists and feet. With a mighty whimper, the kendoist fell to the ground. "And Kunou is falling down drunk!" Hiroshi shouted. "GET UP, MY STUDENT!" Haohmaru yelled. "CERTAINLY THIS IS A MERE INCONVENIENCE FOR ONE SO LEGENDARY (YET NOT QUITE AS LEGENDARY AS MY LEGENDARY SELF) AS YOU--URK!" The samurai was effectively silenced as Mousse snuck up behind him and clubbed him over the head with a blackjack while the ref was counting. "And down goes the loudmouth," Tarou said. The referee finished the count, and declared the match. "And the Amazons wi--" There was suddenly a flare of dark energy in the ring, as the Busters appeared. Sagat smirked. "Nobody invited us to this little party. Our feelings are hurt." Chuckling, he kicked Shampoo in the gut, then hurled Kunou's body at Mousse over the ropes. "Oh no! Bison's Busters are on the attack!" Hiroshi cried. "What are they doing here? What do they want?" "We want these," Protege said, hoisting up the Lambda belts he'd retrieved from ringside. "Then...you challenge us to match! Title belts ours!" Shampoo huffed. Sagat tsked. "You don't understand. We don't intend to fight for them. We simply intend to take them." With that, he and Protege vanished with the belts. "This is terrible!" Hiroshi shouted. "Bison's Busters just stole the title belts! This is a travesty of justice! This--" "Doesn't matter," Nabiki's voice rang from the UltraTron. "The actual belts are easily replacable. They're merely a symbol. Besides, we just ordered new belts for all the divisions, so we were about to confiscate the old belts for replacement anyway. It's no big deal." "Is big deal!" Shampoo shouted. "Is principle of thing!" Nabiki tsked. "Shampoo, Shampoo...fine. You want the Busters, I'll schedule a match...WHEN and only when it's convenient for me to do so. There are more than enough legitimate matches to go on the card in any given week without wasting a slot on a pointless, petty grudge match." The crowd jeered. "I think these people wouldn't mind a petty grudge match," Hiroshi said. "I don't think they care what kind of match it is as long as they get entertained," Daisuke replied. Nabiki smirked. "Now...as for the title. You see, there's a little...discrepancy here. On the one hand, Shampoo clearly defeated Kunou. The interference of the Busters came at the end of the match, and would have favored the Amazons anyway. However...there's some question as to the sideline actions of her partner. Right now, we're going to review the tapes to make certain the match was legal up to the point the Busters showed up." She paused. "The new belts will be ready in two weeks' time, at UltraRage Zeta. Since we're putting every title on the line at Zeta, I will announce, on next week's show, the decision of the officials in regards to WHO the title rightfully belongs to as a result of tonight's match. The champion declared on next week's show will go on to defend their title at Zeta." The UltraTron flickered to the normal logo graphic. "And there you have it, folks!" Hiroshi enthused. "The Lambda title is in limbo! The Lambda champions will be announced next week! And they'll go on to defend their BRAND SPANKING NEW BELTS in TWO WEEKS at UltraRage ZETA!" "Yay," Tarou yawned. "We'll be back with an exciting GAMMA matchup RIGHT AFTER THIS, so stay tuned!" ****** Backstage, Ranma and Akane were headed to the staff cafeteria for refreshments, chatting about techniques, when they found themselves bowled over by a raging Iori on the warpath. "Hey, watch where you're goin' ya jerk!" Ranma scowled as he helped Akane to her feet, glaring at Iori. The sadistic bishounen glowered. "It isn't my fault you and your little woman weren't paying attention instead of acting like a pair of lovebirds." Akane flushed. "We were NOT!" Iori shrugged. "Whatever." Dismissing Akane, he glared at Ranma. "I still want a piece of you, Saotome. I don't care if you've fled to Lambda with your girlfriend...it's going to be you and me, soon." Ranma shrugged. "Whatever, man." Iori turned to leave...but glanced back at the couple over his shoulder. "You should drop the dead-weight bimbo, Saotome. She'll do nothing but slow you down." With that, he stormed purposefully down the hall. Akane glared after him. Ranma took her hand, and led her away in the opposite direction. ****** "AAAAAAND we're BACK!" The crowd cheered enthusiastically. "And it's time for tonight's exciting GAMMA matchup! These two warriors have met in the ring before...and the loser of that matchup is out to settle a score! So, let's first introduce the guy who WON the previous match between these ring titans...IORI YAGAMI!" The quintessential badass, Iori Yagami, stormed down the ramp to the tune of hard, industrial grunge metal. He grabbed a microphone from a stagehand--nearly ripping the poor man's arm off in the process--and screamed into it. "WHAT THE *FUCK* IS WRONG WITH THIS FEDERATION?" "Iori sounds...unhappy," Hiroshi noted. "Gee, you think?" Iori stalked around the ring like a rabid wolf on the prowl. "I keep waiting for some kind of challenge...a fight that's WORTH my time..." He aimed a fiery kick at a turnbuckle, shattering it and sending the ropes snapping like a rubber band. "...I want a piece of SAOTOME, and what do I get? The old has-been wannabe...AGAIN! I'm sick and tired of fighting worthless, powerless, helpless excuses for fighters! I want a real fighter in the ring!" "And you'll GET a real fighter, tonight." Triumphant, herculean music played as a mass of muscle in a brown gi and white cape strode down the ramp, smirking cockily. "I'm ready for you, Iori, and I want revenge for the last time. This time, it's not going to be me lying on the mat bleeding. This time, it's going to be you lying on the mat...with every bone in your body broken!" "SA-TA-N! SA-TA-N! SA-TA-N!" "Wow! Mister Satan is really fired up! Could he really win tonight? Will the martial arts champion take Iori to school?" "Probably not," Daisuke said flatly. Iori snarled. "Get up here so I can tear your ass off and feed it to you, old man." Satan vaulted into the ring...but snagged his foot on the loose rope, and plowed facefirst into the mat. Recovering quickly, he flung off his cape, and assumed a stance. "Let's get it on, then!" ][ GAMMA TITLE MATCH ][ MISTER SATAN vs. IORI YAGAMI ][ FIGHT! Satan launched himself at Iori with a flurry of punches and kicks. Iori blocked or avoided most of the blows, and countered with claw swipes and kicks of his own. After several seconds of this, Iori nailed Satan point-blank with a fireball in the chest, sending the older fighter flying across the ring, chest hair on fire. "YIIII-III-III-IIII!" Satan hooped and hollered, frantically beating at his chest to extinguish the blaze. Iori smirked, and lobbed a ground fireball at the afroed wonder, toasting him and sending him to the mat. Satan pulled himself up, and woozily settled into a stance. "You're good...but I've been training...get ready..." Iori chuckled. "Show me what you've got then, old-timer." Satan dashed across the ring. "SATAN PUNCH!!" He drove a mighty fist straight at Iori's face...which the younger man caught with one hand. "This old trick again?" Iori yawned. "Pathetic." Satan grinned, and suddenly jerked his fist back, spun his body a full half turn in the other direction, and caught Iori in the side with a vicious left hook. Iori let out a surprised whuff as he stumbled to the side. Satan followed up the left with a powerful crescent kick, sending Iori crashing into the ropes. Iori stood, rubbing his side. "Not bad...you've improved a bit." He narrowed his eyes. "Not enough, though." He launched himself at Mister Satan, blurring into a wild miasma of furious swipes, punches, and kicks. "This is the move that took Satan down in the last contest between these two!" Hiroshi shouted. "How will Mister Satan fare this time against the infamous Maiden Masher?" "I'd say unconsciousness," Tarou snorted. Satan staggered, nearly collapsing as the assault ended. He caught himself and braced his hands against his knees, gasping for air. Blood ran from several gashes on his arms and torso. Slowly, he pulled himself up. "You...won't win so easily this time," he huffed. Iori stared. "You want another beatdown, old man?" Satan grunted, and launched himself into the air toward his opponent. "SATAN DOUBLE KICK!" He spun into a wobbly, sloppy version of the standard Shotokan hurricane kick, slamming two powerful feet into Iori's gut. Iori actually staggered, but recovered quickly, whereas Satan collapsed to the mat in a heap. Iori gave the man a look of mock pity. "Give it up already, old-timer. This is sad." "Satan appears to be down! Will he be able to continue? Or has Iori won the match?" "Iori's won the match anyway. The has-been is just prolonging the inevitable." Satan slowly rose to his feet. "This isn't over yet..." Iori shook his head, and laid into the aging fighter with another flurry of attacks, intent on putting him down for good. To his surprise, Satan put up a strong defense, blocking many of the stronger blows, though it was clearly taking its toll on him to do so. Iori finally backed away. "Alright, it looks like the only way to put you down is to put you out of your misery permanently." Making sure his gloves were tightly in place, he began channeling his power. A pillar of flames slowly began forming in front of him, rising out of the mat and spreading to be almost as tall as he was. Satan stared at the flames. "Oh...hell..." "Iori's going for broke! Is Satan going to feel the burn? Will this be the fight that turns his career to ashes?" "Will you stop punning before I brain you?" The middle-aged martial artist's gaze was transfixed by the impending pain of fire that was in his immediate future. He knew there would be no way to avoid this attack...he was spent, exhausted. He refused to run...never would he run from a fight again. It was running and behaving cowardly that turned him into...the fraud he once was. But this...this could end his life, he realized. As this occurred to him, visions of his life began flashing before his eyes. His first championship. His wedding. The birth of his daughter. The death of his wife. Training his daughter. Winning the world championship. Cell. His cowardly behavior. The golden-haired warriors. His daughter flying at the Budokai. The teenager...Gohan...the one who truly killed Cell giving his daughter the magic bean that saved her life. His daughter showing him the trick--no, not a trick. The technique that was the key to becoming as strong as...those people. "There's a power inside you...you have to channel it...like this..." The flames began to move closer to Satan. In his mind's eye, he saw the blazing lightshow of the Cell Game. "It's called ki...it flows through all living things. Your ki can make you stronger...stronger than any weights or punch or kick..." The power of the flames crawling toward him, as if in slow-motion...the power of the boy and his father that day, and of the monster...the power his daughter had demonstrated to him...all of these things tumbled and jumbled together in Satan's mind... "The old man isn't moving," Tarou said. "He's probably fainted dead on his feet." "We're gonna need medics to ringside," Daisuke mumbled. "Come on, Mister Satan! You can do it! You're the hero! You're the champ!" Hiroshi cheered. "Sa-ta-n! Sa-ta-n!" The crowd took up the chant. "SA-TA-N! SA-TA-N! SA-TA-N!" The flames were merely a meter away from the middle-aged warrior now, and yet they seemed to be moving slowly...so slowly...as every fight he had cowardly excused himself from played through his mind, selective bits slower than others... And as if the flames in front of him had melted away a block of ice in his mind, Satan understood. As a loop of memory played through his mind, and the heat of the flames prickled at his skin, Satan let his body flow into the motion his mind was showing him, trusting in his martial artists' instinct to see him through the crisis, to turn defeat into victory... "Ka..." Daisuke straightened up. "What's he doing?" Tarou blinked. "Don't tell me the old man has something left..." "Me..." Hiroshi stood up. "Satan is beginning a counterattack! This could be one of the most exciting things we've seen in a long time, ladies and gentlemen!" A ball of soft blue light flickered between Satan's cupped hands. Iori watched him through the flames, blinking. "Ha..." Even Tarou was paying rapt attention to the fight now. "Say, isn't that..." "It is...IT IS!" Hiroshi cheered. "But can Satan really USE that technique?" Daisuke wondered. The answer seemed to be an affirmative, as shafts of weak, flickering light were shining from between Satan's fingers, strengthening in intensity. The flames were nearly upon him... "ME...." "Well, I'll be damned," Iori breathed as he finally realized what was about to happen. Satan's mind strobed with memories, pain, understanding, anxiety, and a mixture of other things as he thrust his hands forward, letting his body carry out the final motion for him. "HAAAAAA!!" A blinding beam of blue ki roared forth from the afro-topped martial artist, punching through and dissipating the veil of flames, slamming into Iori. The red-haired bishounen was knocked into the ropes, his breath exploding out of his lungs. He crumpled to the mat, a bewildered expression on his face as he lost consciousness. Satan stood for a moment, arms positioned in the follow-through motion, face blank. Slowly, he blinked...stared at his fallen opponent, stared at his own arms... ...and collapsed to the mat, fainting dead away. The referee examined both contenders, and raised his microphone. "The match ends in a draw! Both competitors are unconscious." "Well, that was unexpected. And yet, ultimately anticlimactic," Tarou said. "Still, that was an INCREDIBLE end to a fabulous match!" Hiroshi cheered. "It certainly was...different," Daisuke commented. "This could actually be a new beginning for Mister Satan. He's never displayed that kind of power before." "And speaking of POWER..." Hiroshi began, "We're going to take a power break for some commercial messages, after which we'll bring you tonight's special exhibition match!" "That's right," Tarou said, standing up. "I have a pachinko-head to pound." ****** [Open on a shot of a green pasture.] ANNOUNCER: "We all know it takes calcium to build strong bones. So if you want the strongest bones, you need the strongest calcium. And for the strongest calcium, you should try..." [Five silhouetted figures land in the middle of the pasture as a wash of blinding light obscures everything. Amid traditional Japanese samurai-flick musical effects, the figures are revealed one by one, replete with ridiculous poses.] [The first figure, forward right, is a short, green toad-like thing with four eyes. With an odd, mushroom-like gyration, he holds up two plastic cups stamped with a distinctive cattlehead logo.] Figure 1: "Ginyu YOGURT!" [The second figure, rear left, is the tallest, with chestnut skin, a narrow shock of red hair, and a stupid expression on his face. With a series of awkward, ridiculous ballet poses, he brandishes a carton of half-and-half, with the same logo on it.] Figure 2: "Ginyu CREAM!" [The figure in front of him is revealed: an orange-skinned, smallish man with an obscenely long mane of fluffy white hair. He thrashes his mane like a kabuki dancer, then holds up a platter of..] Figure 3: "Ginyu CHEESE!" [The fourth figure, rear right, is a blue-skinned, red-eyed, hairless atrocity. He squats down and snarls menacingly, threatening the camera with two foil-wrapped sticks of...] Figure 4: "Ginyu BUTTER!" The fifth, final figure, a purple-skinned, muscular creature with sharp black horns, poses dramatically, and chugs the half gallon carton he's holding. Wiping his milk mustache, he grins evilly at the camera. Figure 5: "Ginyu MILK!" All five figures go through a series of ridiculous sentai poses, at the end of which, they shout in unison... "FRESH FROM THE GINYU DAIRY!" ANNOUNCER: "Ginyu Dairy. The strongest dairy in the universe." ****** "We're back! And now we're gonna take you LIVE to New York City in the good ol' U.S. of A.!" "It's still 2000 over there," Daisuke noted, "but the famous Times Square celebration is already well underway, with final preparations being made, and crowds already gathering for the party of the year." "And in the middle of it all...some EXTRA COOL ULTRAVIOLENCE!" The crowd roared in approval, and Hiroshi continued, getting more fired up as he went. "As you know, last week our co-announcer and all-around asshole, Pantyhose Tarou, challenged the Omega referee Krillin to an exhibition match." "Now, Krillin may seem to be cowardly and weak," Daisuke said, "but it's important to note that he hangs around with the other Omega ref, Goku, and a lot of other fighters, and was there the day of the infamous Cell Game. You don't keep that kind of company unless you have some serious power." "EXACTLY, Daisuke!" Hiroshi enthused. "So TONIGHT! RIGHT HERE ON ULTRA! PANTYHOSE TAROU IS GONNA GET THE BEATDOWN HE DESERVES!" Daisuke gave Hiroshi a sideways glance. "Do you REALLY want to be caught saying that on tape?" Hiroshi blinked, then promptly sat back down. Daisuke rolled his eyes. "So, we now take you to the special arena that's been set up in Times Square, and our special guest announcer for the match." ****** Cameramen and spectators hovered around a recently constructed platform in New York City's Times Square. The normal crowds and hooplah of New Year's Eve took a backseat this year to the presence of cameras and crew vans bearing the Ultra corporate logo. Vendors worked the crowd around the security barricade, and all present were eagerly awaiting the start of the promised match. Upon the raised, gridded granite platform stood the effeminate Chinese man known to most as Tarou (because he'd pound anyone who called him Pantyhose), dragonscale vest glimmering in the lights of Times Square as he waited, arms crossed, for his opponent. "Don't tell me baldy wimped out," Tarou smirked. "Then again, I wouldn't blame him." The ring announcer, a fortysomething fellow with poofy blonde hair, sunglasses, and an impeccable suit shook his head. "He'll be here. I've known this guy since he was a kid, and he and his friends never disappoint." As if on cue, there was a flash as Krillin and Goku appeared on the platform. "Ganbatte, Krillin!" Goku said, before vaulting over the barricade and hassling a hapless hot dog vendor for a pile of fatty pork by-product goodness. "Hope you're insured, cueball," Tarou smirked, cracking his knuckles. "I intend to break every bone in your body." Krillin grinned, sliding into a ready stance. "Been a while since I had a decent workout," he said. "Not that this will even be a workout for me." The ring announcer was near tears. "This is what I like to see," he said to himself. "Alright! This non-league exhibition match will follow the rules of the Tenka-ichi Budokai! The match continues until one fighter has been knocked unconscious, fallen off the platform, or surrenders! Killing your opponent is an immediate disqualification!" He raised his microphone dramatically, then brought it down and shouted, "FIGHT!" ][ SPECIAL EXHIBITION MATCH (BUDOKAI RULES) ][ PANTYHOSE TAROU vs. Krillin ][ FIGHT!! Tarou rocked on his heels. "I'll give you the first punch, if you like." Krillin shook his head. "That'd end the match too quickly." Tarou laughed. "Okay, you earned an extra beating for that comment." Tarou sprang across the platform, launching into a furious flurry of kicks, punches, sweeps, and palm strikes. Krillin blocked and evaded many of the blows, and those which landed didn't seem to have any effect. Krillin tossed a few lazy counters into his defense, a bored expression on his face. After several seconds, Tarou backflipped away from the short bald monk, eyeing him warily. "You're better than I expected," Tarou said, gritting his teeth. With effort, he managed not to show that his arms and legs already ached from blocking Krillin's counterpunches. "Too much for you already?" Krillin asked, smirking. "Ready to stop holding back now?" Tarou's eyes widened. "How did--?" He caught himself, and smirked. "Who's holding back? I just didn't want to get all sweaty kicking your ass." "Whatever," Krillin said. Tarou launched himself into the air, aiming a flying kick at Krillin's head. At the last second, Krillin leapt straight up, nearly reaching the mirror ball. Tarou stumbled as he caught himself, barely avoiding the edge of the platform. He turned at the incredibly loud thud of Krillin's landing, and blinked at the noticable cracks in the platform where the smaller fighter landed. "Wake me when it's my turn," Krillin said, yawning. Tarou grunted, and charged. Krillin ducked a roundhouse kick and swept Tarou's other leg. The Chinese man caught himself on his hands, and launched into a bicycle kick which nailed Krillin several times in the face. The monk staggered a bit, but finally caught Tarou's legs and threw him upward. Leaping into the air, he landed an elbow in the small of Tarou's back, driving him to the platform. Tarou grunted as he landed, rubbing his back. He stood, and began circling Krillin warily. Krillin waited, arms crossed, until Tarou finally made another cautious attack, probing the smaller fighter's defenses. Krillin countered a feint to the left with a spinning backfist, which Tarou anticipated. Dodging, the Chinese man grabbed Krillin's shoulders, and threw him-- --or tried to. He couldn't lift him a millimeter off the ground. "The hell?" he exclaimed, as Krillin grabbed him and suplexed him into the pavement. Tarou stood, and stared at Krillin. His eyes narrowed. "You're cheating. You're wearing armor." Krillin shook his head. "No, I'm just wearing my training clothes." The announcer stepped onto the platform. "What seems to be the problem here?" Tarou snorted. "Baldy disqualified himself. He's obviously wearing some kind of armor." Goku stepped onto the platform. "Like Krillin said, he's just wearing weighted clothes. He's trying to give you a sporting chance, Pantyhose." Tarou glared at the Saiyajin, but let the slight go. "Which I'd say count as armor." The announcer frowned. "If your uniform is giving you an unfair advantage..." "Actually, it's giving Tarou the advantage," Krillin said. "But if he insists I get rid of it..." "Lose the armor, chromedome," Tarou snarled. Krillin shrugged. "Your funeral." He worked the dark blue shirt from under his gi, tossing it to the platform. The sound it made when it hit caused everyone to blink. He tugged off his wristbands and tossed them aside, making potholes in the pavement of Times Square. Finally, he stepped out of his boots, carefully shoving them off the platform. Tarou smirked, then walked over to the fallen shirt. "Now, let's have a look at this armor. What've you got here, kevlar?" He reached down, intent on picking the garment up and examining it. Fifteen seconds later, he was red in the face, veins standing out as he struggled to lift the discarded shirt. With a loud grunt, he gave up. "What the hell IS this?" "Magical cloth created by Kaiou-sama," Goku said from the sidelines. "It's really just cloth, but it weighs eight hundred kilos." Tarou STARED at Goku. "Eight hundred KILOS!?" Krillin nodded. "Yep. And the boots are three hundred kilos each, and the wristbands are fifty." Tarou gaped in disbelief. "Let me get this straight. You expect me to believe that you've been wearing fifteen hundred kilograms' worth of magical fighting gear, and not only didn't die from the stress, but could walk around *and* fight?" Krillin nodded. "That's right." Tarou glared at Krillin with suspicion and loathing. "You're either a liar or a monster." "If you want to find out which, try me again. I'd call an ambulance first, though." Tarou growled. "Okay then...the gloves are off." He motioned to a member of the camera crew, who threw him a bottle of water. Uncapping it, he doused himself in the contents, transforming into a massive minotaur-like creature with wings and tentacles. "MOOOOO!" he declared, stomping his hooves and snorting steam. Krillin yawned. "This is supposed to impress me?" "He's not very strong at all, is he Krillin?" Goku asked from the sidelines. "The contender has just transformed into a monster!" The announcer exclaimed. "This is exciting! How will this affect the outcome of the match?" Tarou charged, intent upon trampling Krillin. Krillin waited until the last second...and vanished. The huge beast skidded to a halt, and had to take to the air as he realized he was about to fall off the platform. "Over here, ugly," Krillin called from the other side of the platform. Tarou stared in disbelief, his stare growing wider and more panicked as Krillin began disappearing and reappearing in various places on and above the platform faster than the cursed beast could follow. Finally, Krillin reappeared right in his face. "You should've left me weighted down," he said, before driving a fist into Tarou's gut, then ramming an elbow into the base of his neck when he doubled over. Tarou plummeted toward the platform... ...and didn't connect, as Krillin was there waiting for him with a straight vertical kick which sent the minotaur-like abomination flying into the air. Tarou mooed in panic as he passed by the mirror ball... ...and was sent rocketing to the ground again as Krillin appeared above him, ramming into him with his gleaming scalp. The monster tried frantically to gather his strength to cushion his fall... ...and was caught mere inches above the platform by the nose, held in place by his opponent. "Okay, I'm bored now," Krillin said, eyes closed, as he casually backhanded Tarou across the platform, sending him crashing into the security barricade, blissfully unconscious. The crowd stared in astonishment...then went wild, cheering loud enough to rival the noise level of the Ultradome. The announcer pumped his fist, shouting into the microphone enthusiastically, "And the winner is Krillin! What an AMAZING match! Back to you in the Ultradome, Hiroshi and Daisuke!" ****** "Well," Daisuke said. "That was..." "Extremely gratifying?" Hiroshi prompted. Daisuke grinned. "Damn straight." Turning to the camera, he continued, "And now, we'll take you live to an ancient ruined temple for our final match of the night." "This OMEGA matchup is a special ALUMNI OF HEAVEN MATCH! The front office thought it'd be fun to give all you Ultra fans a chance to see...WHO'S MORE GODLY?" "Dan Hibiki takes on Lina Inverse. This is a non-title match. The fighters are ready, so let's go right to the battleground..." ****** Lina adjusted her gloves and cracked her knuckles. "Yosh'! Just a friendly fight, yeah?" Dan stretched, flexed, and taunted. "A friendly spar between friendly friends, with FRIENDLY TAUNTING! OOOOSHA!!" Lina sweatdropped. "Ummm...alright. So let's get it on." ][ ALUMNI OF HEAVEN MATCH ][ LINA INVERSE vs. DAN HIBIKI ][ FIGHT!! Dan launched into an array of ferocious taunting. Lina sweatdropped, and was about to prepare a spell, when... "Ummm...Dan? You might wanna look out behind you..." "Oro? Are you trying to trick the mighty Taunting Godhead Legend Stone Co--OOOOOOOWCH!" Dan fell to the ground as a rain of comets slammed into him from above and behind. Sephiroth descended, and stood with one foot on Dan's smoking backside. "Mind if I cut in?" he asked. "Actually, I do mind," Lina said, charging up a powerful spell. In her concentration, she failed to hear the whine of a superquiet performance engine closing in behind her... *WHAM!* Lina was knocked several meters, skidding to a halt not far from Sephiroth. "What the heck was that?" she asked, standing up. shakily. "OOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" bitchlaughed an amplified voice, projected from the sleek black sports car which had just run Lina down. A line of red lights traced slowly back and forth across the front bumper of the vehicle. Lina blinked. "Naga?" "Not quite!" The sunroof of the car opened, and B-ko leaned out. "How do you like my new sports car, Lina Inverse?" Lina blinked. "Saaaay...isn't that the car from...oh, what's that show..." She snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah! That's KITT!" B-ko sweatdropped. "What are you talking about? This, I will have you know, is the top-of-the-line, ultra-exclusive prototype, Daitokuji Industries Turbo-Z! The ultimate in high-tech vehicles!" "The man in the pink pajamas is waking up, Michael," a bubbly female voice chirped from within the car. B-ko twitched, and pounded the roof of the car with a fist. "How many times do I have to tell you...my name is NOT Michael, you stupid car!" Lina, Sephiroth, and Krillin sweatdropped as the car began to wail, washer fluid gushing from its windshield. "Waaaah...I'm sorry, Michael! I'll do better, I promise!" "Yep, that car's a DITZ alright," Krillin said. Lina groaned. "What is it you want, B-ko?" she asked. B-ko laughed. "Just to test out the capabilities of my new toy, of course!" Dropping back into the car, she began to back up, then revved the engine. The car hurtled toward Lina. "Ray Wing!" Lina rose into the air, hovering above the battlefield. "Oi! Stop trying to run me down with your dumb KITT ripoff, you nutcase!" Krillin frowned. "You know, I remember that show too. What was it about that car..." DITZ launched itself into the air, plowing into a surprised Lina, who crumpled in half and was sent flying across the battlefield, only to crash into a partially standing wall of the ruined temple. "Oh yeah," Krillin said flatly. "It could do that." Sephiroth calmly walked over to the fallen sorceress, and began searching her. Retrieving a something from her costume, he leapt into the air, descended through the open passenger roof of the Daitokuji Industries Turbo-Z as it drove past...and then they were gone. ****** "...okay, so I guess that one ends in a draw," Daisuke said. "Well, that was certainly a shocker!" Hiroshi said. "And just what was it Sephiroth was doing to Lina? I hope for his sake it wasn't something ecchi!" Daisuke sweatdropped. "I think he was mugging her, actually...oh well. We'll probably find out soon enough." He shrugged. "Well, that's all we have time for tonight. Until next week, this is Daisuke..." "And Hiroshi!" "Saying good fight, good night, and Happy New Year!" ****** In the Ultradome cafeteria, a small party had gathered around Mister Satan, who had finally revived near the end of the show. "Oi, Satan-san...you did good tonight," Goku said, giving the afroed martial artist a thumbs up. "I had a feeling you'd get it someday." Videl beamed. "I'm so proud of my daddy! And here I thought he'd *never* get a clue." Everyone chuckled. Satan smirked, eyes closed. "Well, it's only naturally for someone with my raw talent to..." He paused, and grinned sheepishly. "Aw, who am I kidding in this group." Krillin patted him on the shoulder. "Hey, you don't have anything to be embarassed about. For a normal person, you're good." "Yeah," added Gohan, who was sitting next to his fiancee. "You never had the kind of training the rest of us did, so doing what you did tonight is pretty impressive." "Sou yo, sou yo," Goku agreed. "Master Roshi was...how old was he when he made up Kamehameha?" Krillin shrugged. "I dunno. Took him fifty years to master it though, didn't it?" Satan boggled. "Fifty years?" He stared at his hands. "I'm gonna be dead before I get the hang of that...thing?" Goku chuckled. "Nah, just keep working at it. You'll get it down pretty quick." "Now we just need to work on flying," Videl said. And the party continued well into the morning... ****** The Ultra infirmary was quite full in the wee hours of New Year's. Iori, Kunou, Tarou, Lina, and Dan all occupied beds. Haohmaru stood solemnly by Kunou's bedside. "SLEEP IT OFF, MY STUDENT," he bellowed softly. "YOU WILL HAVE A *LEGENDARY* HANGOVER COME MORROW." "Keep it down, will ya!" Lina shouted, flinging a bedpan at the samurai. Tarou, who had been restored to human form, grimaced as he called the nurse for more pain meds. "Dammit...that little snot...aaagghh." He growled and muttered as he tried to squirm around inside the casts covering over half his body. Lina smirked. "Serves you right...you've had that coming for a long time." "Oh, shut up," Tarou said. "At least it took more than getting run over with a Trans-Am to put me in the hospital." Lina grumbled. From his bed, Dan groaned. "The mighty...Dan...has an owie..." ****** ][ ULTRA EPISODE #60 RECAP: ][ SHAMPOO/MOUSSE def. KUNOU/HAOHMARU, but NO OFFICIAL DECISION has been rendered as to OUTCOME OF MATCH ][ LAMBDA BELTS STOLEN by BISON'S BUSTERS ][ LAMBDA CHAMPIONS to be ANNOUNCED on NEXT WEEK'S SHOW ][ MISTER SATAN vs. IORI YAGAMI - DOUBLE KO (no status change) ][ MISTER SATAN learns KAMEHAMEHA ][ KRILLIN def. PANTYHOSE TAROU (no status change) ][ TAROU receives a SEVERE BEATING ][ DAN HIBIKI and LINA INVERSE PUNKED by SEPHIROTH and B-KO, no status change ][ SEPHIROTH has MUGGED LINA ][ B-KO has YET ANOTHER RIPOFF MECHA ][ DAN has AN OWIE ][ ANGLE SUMMARIES ][ = Angle continues, may have new developments [] = Angle is closed, might have been replaced }{ = Entirely new angle ?? = Possible new angle? (Can be derived from events) XX = Didn't touch on this from past episode very well or at all XX The War for Ultra: CHAOS/Jack vs. Nabiki Tendo (Jack's been back, but hasn't really tried anything to take Ultra over) ][ Shadowlaw's Reign of Terror (Bison's Busters stole the Lambda Belts) XX Bean Bandit, One Bad Mutha vs. Marlo, One Bad Seed (Bean's just waiting for his title shot) XX Morrigan only has eyes for Sakura (Morrigan continues trying to pick up Sakura, rejected Karin last ep) XX Nerima Follies (Ranma and Akane have paired up, still have a while to go) XX Pokemon Wars / The Void rages on in a very adorable manner (Voiduck's got a hold on Ash, but isn't influencing Misty) XX Dan Hibiki against Dark Schneider (Dan's won his belt, but can he keep it?) ][ Iori Yagami the Psycho Manic Depressive M*******ker (Iori was schooled by Mister Satan) XX There's something about Mary (Mary sorted souls in REBOOT 2.0, but nothing new here) ?? Sakura/Shingo/Karin Potential Love Triangle (Karin is jealous, Shingo is clueless, and Sakura is getting a bit pissed) ?? Sephiroth Up To No Good (Just what did he steal from Lina, and why?) ****** AUTHOR'S NOTES: Whee, fun. I'm going to say this outright: I freely admit to the rampant DBZ fanboyism in this chapter. I will note, though, that I made damn sure anything fanboyish I did, I at least made work within the confines of Ultra, so any who bitch about the fanboyism will be summarily ignored. Also, about the Lambda fight...whooboy. I blame that whole match entirely on one weird typo I made when I start writing it. When I noticed what I'd typed...well, everything went downhill from there. I know it's a short chapter, but I think I packed a pretty good bit of action in it without throwing off the pacing. A short, specialized chapter is a good thing every so often, don't you think? The B-ko/Seph stuff at the end is part of the wacky, complicated grand design that is preparation for the end of a season, so just hang on a while, and it'll all become clear. Hmm...anything else? Mmm...oh yeah. Thanks to everyone in #improfanfic who preread this sucker in the final hours prior to posting. Hope you enjoyed it. If not, well, I'm sure you'll find a way to express yourself. --Lurker