Thunder roared across the countryside, as the seas boiled and heaved like the acid in an ulcerous stomach. The ground shook and cracked, splintered veins tearing along paved streets as bursts of lava pumped thousands of feet into the sky. The air burned. The sun turned black as sackcloth. The end of days had finally arrived. Meanwhile, back on Earth, it was a pleasantly sunny day, if a bit nippy in the mid-winter season. The air quality index over Tokyo was exceptionally good, and prices for popular music were on a decline. Prosperity and joy and economic satisfaction were felt by all except Nabiki. This couldn't possibly be right, she thought, despite knowing why it was right as she examined the spreadsheet. This can't be the buyrate for UltraRage Zeta. This was less than the last Reboot, and that was the B-show! This was the A-show, the big event, the thing every little Pavlovian Ultra fan had to slap down the money for... At first, she had assumed the low amount of PPV buys was because the fate of the universe wasn't on the line this time. She grabbed a few random people working around the UltraDome to prepare for the show and grilled them on what was wrong -- nothing like a random sampling of the population's opinion, especially the population that could be fired on her very whim. They all agreed the show was stellar, great, ideal, just the sort of thing they'd like to keep their jobs long enough to see... But even the threat of a pink slip didn't deter a few from telling her the truth. The card was boring. Sakura versus Morrigan had already been done, and another time wouldn't prove anything. Ranma couldn't fight Iori for the Gamma belt since he entered Lambda, which divided any heat that one could've had by half. Team Rocket was liked, but there wasn't anything special to a fight against the Samurai -- Kunou baby wasn't proving to be a living heat machine, after all. Sephiroth didn't even care about the Omega belt, so she didn't know why he wanted to challenge Dan, unless it was a matter of pride... and although she did change her mind and convert the Hardcore bout to a three way fight, those three had fought just last week in an unsanctioned bout. Again, nothing the audience hadn't seen before... and she couldn't think of anything better without overexposing her favored talent and making things WORSE. In short, the card was 'okay', but couldn't push past the barrier that would make it 'stellar'. And so, the revenues would also be 'okay' as many Ultra fans waited to see live Internet reports of the show in progress, and decide to save their money and just watch the aftermath on free television next week. Curse those fans and their crazy Internet thing. Nabiki's finger nearly made it to the intercom to ask Tarou to come in so she could verbally abuse someone before realizing Tarou was still healing up. In fact, she had nobody on staff who she knew beyond a no-name basis. It was just her, a bunch of workmen, and an empty dome in the middle of the day... Oddly, she found herself wishing she had someone to talk to. It wasn't just the loneliness and the poor booking that had her down. Bison had been turning up the heat under her to sell the federation. Jack's little punks weren't doing anything of note, but considering what happened last UltraRage, she could expect some more public humiliation. No, Nabiki didn't expect to get out of today in any vague semblance of a possibility of a chance of maybe having a shot of having a relatively good day. She was going for the aspirin in her desk when the telltale *PHOOT* of a message in her in-tube resounded through the empty office. Popping the childproof cap off with one hand and snatching up the tube with her other one, she went through all the horrible possibilities the message inside could hold. Maybe Jack had published more digitally altered photos of her head attached to amusing animals. Perhaps Bison had ICBMs locked on the UltraDome at this very moment. Maybe daddy had a heart attack... After dryswallowing two Advil, she uncapped the message tube and yanked out the simple sheet of white paper inside. Her eyes scanned the small lines, left to right. After a few moments, she read them again. Normally, she'd toss something like this in the recycling box and not give it a second thought... but desperate times called for unusual measures. She checked the paper several times for a signature or some sort of identification, rationalized that possession is nine tenths of the law even for intellectual property, and started to smile again. Perhaps at least one thing would go right tonight... Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Checklist, things to do. Investigate British law recently passed about cloning human embryos for stem cell research. Check. Observe progress on advanced level two spy cyborg prototype construction, check. Push more bribes through Congress to support the DMCA, check. Subjugate small third world nation and install drug processing plants, check. Feed cat. Check. Take over Ultra. ...no check. Lord M. Bison tapped his Bic retractable against the clipboard a few times. He scanned the list a bit, to see if there was anything more important after that item, but didn't see anything worth note. It was going to be a fairly slow day for the evil mastermind, all things considered. A slow, boring day. He charged the clipboard with a touch of Psycho Power and tossed it aside, ignoring the explosion it caused. "Oh well, guess I'll take over Ultra once and for all," he decided. "Have fun doing it." Bison rotated his chair to face his right hand man. Getting out of the chair and walking over to him was something lesser people do. "A few air strike forces and a good line of tanks would be all you needed, I'm guessing," Sagat suggested. "Then haul the UltraDome away through a portal. That's your style, yes? I doubt you'd do something like challenge Nabiki to an honorable fight for ownership of Ultra." "Am I detecting displeasure in your voice, Sagat?" Bison asked, smiling. Of course, he was always smiling, even when angry. "You know I prefer a stand-up fight to army tactics." "Honor is overrated. And besides, you're hardly a stand-up martial artist yourself, given the amount of cheating and other unpleasant activities you do on daily basis," Bison said. "A little of me has rubbed off on--" "If you're taking over Ultra, does this mean I won't have to fight there anymore?" Sagat asked. "Because it bores me tremendously. Those children are not warriors, and are unworthy of a true fight. Each partner you've stuck me with has been a complete disappointment. Although I'll admit, Protege was tough to scrub out of my clothing last week. One of the few times he presented a true challenge... I suppose I simply don't see why that television show is worth bothering with." "Sagat, Sagat... you fail to see the true potential of Ultra," Bison explained. "It's a wonderfully rich and fertile resource for my purposes. Once I have control, I'll have all these contracted fighters to amuse myself with! From Ranma's curious curse to regaining Ifurita, to unlocking the key to Furniture space and more... countless genetic samples from exceptional people, presenting new project possibilities... but I digress. First thing's first, we need to end this game with the young Tendo girl. Fortunately I have had a simple plan ready for weeks now..." Bison tapped one of the hundreds of buttons on his chair's armrest. A cup of fresh coffee was produced. He frowned, and then tapped the correct button to activate the intercom. "Could you come up here, please? It's time," he stated. 'I'm very busy in the garage, Bison,' the woman on the other end of the line replied tersely. "Now now, there will be plenty of time for that sort of fun later. Tonight, I have orders for you..." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z T minus twenty minutes and counting, but nobody looked nervous. This meeting was by the numbers, and wouldn't have even been held if not for Daisuke's concerns... but other things had to come first. "There's still no word on the location of Bison's hideout," Daisuke explained. "Sorry, Hiroshi. Lain did a lot of searching, but nobody, not even the United Nations Special Forces, knows where it's hidden. I tried getting hold of Washuu to maybe get you a portal, but she's been a bit absent lately, you know..." "HIYA! HAH! ...I really think you should rethink this, Hiroshi," Sakura recommended, concerned (but not concerned enough to stop her training with the wooden training post). "KYA! Bison's really powerful... you showed him up last week, but now he's expecting you to be dangerous. A lot of my friends have tangled with him before and--" "I'm gonna get Rei back the smart way," Hiroshi explained. "I wasn't going to just barge in and try to kick some ass, I was... I don't know, going to plan something. Get help. But I need to know where she's being held first." Daisuke sighed. "I'll keep working on it. Next up, Sakura's match with Morrigan. No doubt Lilith's going to be involved, so Hiroshi, you might want to hide during that segment of the show -- she's still after you, right?" "More or less," Hiroshi said. "I haven't been worrying about it much... bigger things to worry about, and all..." "I was gonna suggest Karin interfere the moment we spot Lilith," Daisuke said. "Karin, watch on the monitor and--" "Why should I?" All eyes turned to the blonde martial artist, as she reclined in a folding metal chair tipped on its back legs. "Surely Sakura can handle her own fights," Karin suggested. "I don't feel any pressing need to aid her. I've already fought Morrigan once--" "And lost," Sakura added. Daisuke attempted to defuse the situation. Tensions had been rising between the two old rivals, and they needed cohesion tonight. Unfortunately, he made exactly the wrong suggestion. "Well, Shingo or Karin, either would be fine--" "SHINGO and I have reservations at a five star restaurant tonight," Karin spoke up, pulling Shingo over. The boy dropped the manga he was reading when jerked around. "I suppose we could aid, but then we'd have to hurry off to make the appointment, and I do so hate to hurry. I'm taking you to Nobou Tokyo; I wanted it to be a surprise, Shingo dear." "Uh... it is, it is," Shingo said. "But.. I think I can squeeze in a run-in if I have to before we go, okay, Daisuke? I promise I'll be fast, Karin-chan." "Moving right along," Daisuke said to interrupt this touching moment, "Team Rocket, you guys have the Samurai tonight." Jesse laughed into the back of her hand, immediately making Karin feel less unique. "OOHOHO! Oh, that won't be an issue, Daisuke. I believe we are more than prepared to handle the Samurai and reclaim our titles. Isn't that right, James?" "Is Wolverine in the building?" James asked quietly, trying not to look like he was hiding behind Jesse. "I don't know. Finally... the main reason I called you here," Daisuke said, flipping his notebook closed. "Jack is up to something." The looks from the rest of CHAOS indicated that they were not surprised. "I have no clue what it is, but it's supposedly one of the most controversial things he's ever done," Daisuke explained. "He's getting very weird over it. Sort of like a Bhuddist Monk of Controversy, all calm and cool and confident instead of a raging wad of emotional excitement. And he doesn't want us involved... in fact... I think he wants us to disband." NOW the rest of CHAOS looked surprised. Daisuke let a few moments of 'What?' and 'I don't get it' and 'He's not serious, is he?' to float around before continuing. "He said that the CHAOS Army isn't needed anymore. He gave his thanks and said the 'next level' was his alone to handle. I mean, obviously we don't have to stop being friends and all... but I think this is the end of the war with Nabiki." Sakura stopped her training, too distracted to continue. She snatched a towel out of the air tossed to her by Shingo, and wiped down before replying. "Maybe he's giving up?" she asked. "Daisuke got his job back, and Nabiki hasn't been TOO hard on us lately... and we haven't been too hard on her. There's some animosity, yeah, but we're not doing anything huge anymore..." "Maybe that's why we haven't done anything huge?" Shingo suggested. "Jack saw... whatever it is coming, and wound things down?" "I'm not even gonna pretend to understand how Jack works," Daisuke grumbled. "But be on your toes. Maybe he won't need us, but we'll likely get hit by the backlash of whatever crazy stunt he's got planned. So... I guess I'm saying this is the last meeting as CHAOS. We'll know what happens next when it happens. With any luck, there won't be any huge, unpredictable surprises tonight--" The knuckles rapping on the door were quiet, but somehow managed to cut through Daisuke's words like a knife through air regardless. Being closest to the door, Hiroshi opened it, expecting to see Jack... not expecting to see Nabiki. "This is the place, yes?" the owner of Ultra asked, peering around the room. "Jack's party patrol headquarters? Ah, good. You should probably tune in on the monitor for the opening of the show. I have some very important announcements to make in the opening segment pertaining to your matches. Ta ta for now." The door quietly latched itself when shut. "Ah," Daisuke said, feeling that familiar gloom settle about him like a fresh morning's dew. "That would be one of the many huge, unpredictable surprises we're going to see tonight, I'm guessing..." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z { M A G I C A L T R O U B L E S H O O T I N G } { C R O S S O V E R F I G H T I N G } { F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } { http://www.mtcffultra.com } | | | - +-- ---. ._ | | | | | / | \ |__/ ___ | | \ | _\ ._ UltraRage | \ RULES ZETA | _\ ARE +--- MADE | -. TO BE \__| BROKEN --+ +--- - +--. ._ / | -- | | \ ./__ +--- | | _\ Episode 62 Written by Stefan Gagne Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Maybe the buyrate was sagging, but the volume of an Ultra show was a constant value that physicists around the world had already standardized. It was roughly equal to the loudest thing you had ever heard, only louder, which made it the loudest thing you had ever heard but of course it was louder, and so on. This value approaches infinity given enough time, so it's good they have commercial breaks and video packages and the like. "Mommy, you don't have to cover my ears!!" Washuu removed her hands from the young girl's head once things had dampened down slightly. "Loud sounds are bad for your hearing," Washuu noted. "That's why all those 60's rock stars are stone deaf nowadays. I just don't want you hurt, that's all--" "It's just noise, Mommy, sheesh," Mary pouted, hugging her jumbo popcorn closer to herself. "You don't have to be that worried. Ne... it's Ultra. Let's just have fun, okay? We always have fun watching on TV. And now, we have RINGSIDE SEATS! Wai!" "Wai," Washuu repeated, smiling. "Okay. Sorry, Mary, I'll do my best to stop being such a worrywart..." The music ramped up, announcing someone entering... but it wasn't the scheduled fighters. Instead, it seemed Nabiki Tendo would be gracing them with her presence -- the crowd immediately poured boos and jeers on her from all sides. Not that Nabiki seemed to notice, too busy grinning as she scaled the steps and entered the ring, microphone and a sheet of paper in hand... "Yaaaay!" Mary cheered, clapping wildly and spilling 2% of her popcorn in the process. "Nabiki!" Washuu frowned. "Ne, Mary, you shouldn't cheer her. She's not a nice person." "You don't like her very much, mommy?" "For a few reasons, yes... plus, you're supposed to boo her. It's crowd tradition, see?" "But I don't want to boo her," Mary said, watching as Nabiki tapped the mike a few times, signalling for someone to turn it on. "I feel kinda sorry for her... she's really unhappy." "She looks happy right now, smiling like that." "I meant on the inside, mommy." Washuu turned to look at her daughter. "What do you mean, on the--" "Fans, your attention please!" Nabiki addressed, amplified voice echoing just loud enough to talk over the 'Asshole' chant which had spontaneously broken out. Her smile faltered slightly... just slightly. "You don't like me, do you? Fine. I'll make this quick..." She held up the paper to show the crowd, despite none of them having the kind of telescopic vision needed to read it. "I have in my hands some changes to the fight card... changes which I think you'll all enjoy. I'll admit, tonight's lineup was slightly lackluster, but that's about to change... by a factor of three. That's because every match tonight will now be contested under THREE WAY DANCE rules... opponents will eliminate each other until only one is left standing, who will be the winner. Sakura, Morrigan? You two aren't going womano-a- womano anymore. Now... it's going to be Sakura, Morrigan, and Karin Kanzuki. And Morrigan? You've dumped potential sexual harassment lawsuits on my shoulders for the last time, because if you lose this one to either Sakura or Karin, you're banned from challenging Sakura ever again!" A few cheers mixed into the boos. Of course they'd cheer; they like Sakura, Nabiki thought. Even the T&A value Morrigan brought couldn't get them to truly cheer for the succubus... filing that away to think about later, she returned to her reading. "Next up, we have Bean, Mousse, and Marlo... you three were already slated for a Three Way Dance, but I've changed the venue," she said. "You'll find out where when the time comes. Iori, Ranma requested of me that I file a grudge match for you two, since he can't go for the Gamma title anymore... well, guess what? For starters, I'm revoking that rule. From now on, any Lambda participant may go for the Gamma singles title, just like they could the Hardcore title! That'll give us some fresh matchups for a change..." Again, cheers mixed in... now equal with the boos. Curious, Nabiki thought... and then got serious, wanting to pour a little of her personal feeling into the next announcement. "And second..." she spoke quietly, although still nicely amplified. "Iori, you will not only take on Ranma for that Gamma title, but my sister Akane as well. This is what you get when you mess with my family enough to piss me off, Iori. Do NOT cross the boss--" "Hooray!" a little girl shouted from ringside, just before the crowd took up the cheering again. "Next, we have the Omega belt," Nabiki continued. "Dan, Sephiroth has been on your case for awhile, and you deserve the shot at him... but let's spice it up a bit. You too will be getting a third competitor, in the form of... Voiduck. It's about time the mallard pulled his miniscule weight around here in his own division. And speaking of Pokemon, I know you're all wondering what I plan to do about the Lambda belt given the recent mess... those belts the Busters stole? Forget about the belts and forget about the Busters; they will NOT be involved tonight!" (Hopefully, the positive crowd pops would make up for a displeased Bison knocking on her door lately. That particular item was a gusty change to make... but if she was going to truly own and control Ultra, she had to put her foot down. Swiping the belts did not make you a champion, even if you controlled an orbital laser platform and an army of terrorists.) "In this very ring, you will see the Samurai taking on Team Rocket taking on Wolverine and a partner of his choosing for the new Lambda belts! But just to ensure I don't have to hear the hairy mutant's dulcet throat cancer tones over my TV speakers again... this is Loser Leaves Town. Whoever wins the Lambda belt will be the tag team champions... but the other two teams are GONE from Ultra. Now. Is that an UltraRage worthy show?" Absolutely, the crowd seemed to be telling her. The unwashed masses, cheering Nabiki's decisions... it had a pleasant sound to it, as her smile widened. "Excellent. I believe I've taken up enough of your time; let the UltraViolence commence! Karin, Sakura, Morrigan? Get out here and start brawling. And keep it clean, there are kids in the audience tonight." Feeling victorious, Nabiki slipped between the ropes and marched on up the ramp, with the crowd swelling behind her. Unlike the broken and depressed Nabiki of this afternoon, she felt like some kind of omnipotent, unstoppable Nabikinator. Much like her first days running this federation... The cheers turned to boos as Morrigan entered early, before the sound crew could cue up her music. The succubus didn't cross paths with Nabiki; she set an intercept course, with a very annoyed look on her face. "Before you start, you brought it on yourself, Morri," Nabiki said up front. "I warned you against going too far with this Sakura thing. I even gave you some lenience, looked the other way, did what I could to cover for you... but I'm not in the habit of supporting lost causes. Perhaps this will teach you some obedience. Enjoy what's going to amount to a handicap match." Morrigan's glance shifted down to the paper Nabiki still held. "That's not your handwriting," she recognized immediately. "Who ordered you to change my match, Tendo?" The Nabikinator's smile shifted straight into a frown. "Nobody orders me to do anything," she menaced. "Now get in the damn ring and fight, unless you want to be fired. Excuse me, I have business to attend to." With a snort of displeasure, Morrigan flapped her wings and flew the rest of the way to the ring. Twisting in the air and langing on one elegant little foot, she narrowed her eyes, watching as the two schoolgirls walked down the ramp. This fight was not to her liking... but she would have her way. It was her goal in life, after all. ][ ULTRARAGE EPSILON MATCH #1 : END OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT MATCH ][ SAKURA vs. KARIN vs. MORRIGAN ][ FIGHT! Hiroshi power-posed behind his announcer's desk. "And we're off and running for UltraRage Zeta! All three girls are climbing in the ring... although Karin and Morrigan are not happy to be there. Daisuke, what do you think about these changes Nabiki's made to the card?" "This is the bit where we speculate aloud about things other than the match in the ring in order to hype the upcoming fights, right?" Daisuke asked, as Sakura ran towards Morrigan, starting her attack. "Yup!" "Okay, then. I'd say this is very uncharacteristic of Nabiki. She's used stipulations before, but usually to give her team the advantage--" "Beautiful flower kick by Sakura, and the nosebleed seats are NOT up high tonight! Ah, sorry to interrupt, continue. "...right. Here, the stips are giving Sakura the advantage, and according to her were put in place to 'spice things up a bit'. Nabiki traditionally--" "And Morrigan counters with a brilliant Soul Blade, catching Sakura unaware!!" Hiroshi shouted. "--TRADITIONALLY cares more about ensuring Ultra is in a state she approves of than cares about providing the fans with an exciting show. But hey, not much is making sense to me lately, but at least the world's not going to end tonight, Jack said as much--" "Counterthrow by Sakura, very uncharacteristic of her fighting style! Come on, Daisuke, work with me!" Daisuke turned to glare at his companion. "I thought I told you never to use that catch phrase again. Now you want me to shill, or do you want me to call the match?" "Aah... I think that's enough shilling for now, thanks, Dai. The fight's heating up, folks!" ...back in the ring, Morrigan was definitely heating up. Clearly the foolish (yet tasty) little girl had been training for this; she was able to even counter one of Morrigan's wing strikes, grasping the amorphous purple and black wing to hurl her across the ring. Not that it was a problem, given Morrigan's flying talents, but it was disturbing that Sakura could manage such a technical trick. Sakura bounced lightly from foot to foot, keeping her fighting stance loose and ready. "Giving up?" she asked, egging Morrigan on. "I'm gonna beat you, and then you'll leave me the hell alone! I swear it in Ryu-sama's name!" "Yay, go Sakura," Karin non-enthusiastically stated, golf-clapping for her fellow fighter as she stood in a corner of the ring and watched. "Do you consider this fair, Sakura?" Morrigan asked, catching her breath as she taunted. "I thought you were a noble and honorable Ryu-sama worshipping warrior... one who doesn't need a helper like HER." Karin's eyebrow raised in a haughty sort of way, as she stepped away from the corner... arms still folded. "Do you see me helping her? Really now, such childish protests from someone who fears defeat. Clearly the pagan subcreature does not understand the way of the warrior, Sakura! Such uncultured swine should be taught manners." Lips tightening into a grimace of indignation, Morrigan adjusted her attentions towards the blonde. "I'll have you know I'm heir to the third royal house of the underworld and a member of a FAR superior species, mortal wench." "And I am the graceful and charming heir to the Kanzuki financial empire, destined for luxury and power beyond your imaginings, harlot!" Karin retorted, clenching a first and unfolding her arms. "Lowly worm!" "Jezebel!" "Weakling!" "Slut!" "BITCH!" Sakura scratched her head. "Ano--" "STAY OUT OF THIS!" the other two women shouted at her. They returned to staring each other down, nearly visible pulses of electricity zapping back and forth between the two egos... until something burst, and the two were at each other with punches, kicks, parries and counterstrikes galore. "If I may shill and hype a moment, I'd like to point out that these two are pretty evenly matched," Daisuke stated. "While Sakura pulled out a good counter move, Karin is loaded with close fighting and countering techniques to balance out Morrigan's superior reach. She doesn't have to rely on fireballs that piffle out before they even cross the ring to win her fights." Thrower of said fireballs stood around dumbfounded. Given the tension between her, Karin and Shingo lately, she was expecting to end up going this one alone anyway... and here Karin was, locking horns with Morrigan and doing a great job of it. The two battled around the ring, here to there, up the turnbuckles so Karin could get a good air attack or two in on the flying succubus... But the fight was still amounting to a tie. Neither one had the advantage, as the fight dragged out... "Karin, you won't beat her if you keep that up!" Sakura warned. "I know her, you'll tire out before she does! She got supernatural stamina--" "Silence, Sakura! I will defeat my enemy!" Karin declared, not taking her eyes off the fight, parrying a chop while skipping on one leg to avoid a sweep from Morrigan. This won't work, Sakura realized. All she's going to do is tire herself out, until Morrigan can find an opening and do something very nasty... but if there was a distraction, to give KARIN an opening... There! Sakura quickly gathered her chi into a small ball, and hurled it. "HADOOOOKEN!" The blast of energy snapped towards the pair, ready to slam Morrigan in the back and give Karin the chance she needed. Except that the fight had already moved, and instead, the attack pasted Karin, knocking her into a turnbuckle. Morrigan laughed, and took to the air for a few moments to recover her lost strength. She looked on in amusement as Karin shook her head to clear it... and then marched over to the other schoolgirl. "What was the meaning of that?!" Karin asked. "I was just trying to help!" Sakura defended. "You wouldn't have won if you--" "I don't NEED your help to win. A Kanzuki always wins against such trash! Why should I need the help of a weak, self-taught Shotoclone such as yourself?" "Weak?! At least I HAVE a ki attack, unlike you, miss 'I can't do anything unless I'm close enough for them to smell my breath'!" "And another thing!" Karin yelled back, mind jumping the connection and jumping to conclusions. "You're FAR too close to my boyfriend for my comfort. Back off from him AND back off from this fight!" Sakura turned red. "Dammit, Karin, how many times do I have to say this? Shingo and I are JUST FRIENDS!" "Ohohoho! You expect me to believe that?" "You callin' me a liar?" "Lower-class hussy." "Spoiled brat." "Tramp!" "Idiot!" Morrigan scratched her head. "Ano--" "STAY OUT OF THIS!" the other two women shouted at her. They returned to staring each other down, nearly visible pulses of electricity zapping back and forth between the two egos... until something burst, and the two were at each other with punches, kicks, parries and counterstrikes galore. ("See, this is why I don't have a girlfriend," Daisuke said. "No offense, Hiroshi.) After two missed punches, the two broke apart, getting distance to rest a moment before another go. Sakura's vision was getting blurry... between fighting Morrigan, snapping out a chi blast that quickly and now tangling with Karin, she wasn't going to be able to keep this up much longer... "I've never truly liked you, Sakura," Karin spoke, ice dripping from her voice. "We were always rivals, from the moment we saw each other even to now. I've only played along for Shingo's sake, but I will not tolerate your insubordination any longer!" Ignoring the fight, Sakura stomped a foot in annoyance. "For the last time, Karin, we are JUST--" Her world inverted itself, as she felt Morrigan's wing wrap around her waist. Before she could pry it off, her head hit the mat. And hit the mat. And hit the mat. And then the turnbuckle. Hiroshi winced. "Ohh, man. I don't care if you ARE a trained martial artist, that's nasty. Looks like Sakura's down... the ref's making his ten count..." Landing next to the fallen fighter, Morrigan turned to face Karin... and bowed, olde worlde style. "I applaud your sensibilities, Karin Kanzuki. Perhaps we had our differences, but you see Sakura as the tawdry little thing she is as well! Always flashing her bloomers at Shingo and the audience... you were right not to trust her. So, I give you a gift!" With a swift kick, Morrigan moved Sakura from the mat next to the turnbuckle to the mat in front of her old rival. "Shall we?" the succubus asked, cracking her knuckles... And with a smile, Karin started stomping on the fallen girl, as did Morrigan. The crowd shouted and jeered, tossing empty soda cups and things into the ring, as a swarm of referees stormed the ring to pull the two off Sakura. The bell rang once, to signify Sakura's elimination from the match... a match which was still going on. As the medical techs attended to Sakura at ringside, Morrigan floated over to whisper something in Karin's ear... and with a smile, Karin nodded. And poked Morrigan in the chest with a finger. "Ohhh!" Morrigan howled, clutching at her heart. "You got me!" She promptly fell over, eyes closed. "Well, this has officially degenerated into a farce," Daisuke declared. "But the ref has to make the ten count....... and it's over. The winner of this match is Karin Kanzuki. According to Nabiki's stipulation, Morrigan will have to leave Sakura alone now... but I'd hazard Morrigan doesn't care, if she took a dive like that..." Morrigan floated out of the ring as Karin climbed out and walked back up the ramp. The demoness landed next to Sakura's stretcher, smiling down at her rival... the dazed young fighter tried to growl something at them, but her neck brace was too tight. "I've grown tired of you, Sakura," Morrigan told her, while keeping enough distance not to rouse the ire of the zebra swarm. "I'm quite happy with not being able to challenge you again. Let that be a lesson... this was only over when *I* said it was. I was always in control." She turned back to the ramp, and strolled off, quite happy with the outcome. Her eyes then drifted casually to the departing Karin, the schoolgirl's hips swaying as she marched off in similar triumph... Hmm, Morrigan thought. Very sweet... "We'll have an official update on Sakura's condition in a moment, folks, don't change that dial!" Hiroshi warned. Daisuke toyed with his empty water glass, refilling it. "They're not going to change the channel, Hiroshi, they're paying through the nose to watch this screwjob." "Oh, right. Ehheh. Forgot." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Pace pace, pace pace. Pace pace pace pace... and confront. Shingo adjusted his orbital path of worry in the backstage area, to join Karin, and show just how upset he was. "Karin, what's gotten into you!? I told you, SHE told you, we're just friends--" "Shingo, Shingo, Shingo... don't you see?" Karin asked, words much softer than the ones she was hurling only moments ago. "It's not your fault. Sakura was manipulating you into thinking that while she tried to steal you away from me. Trust me, I am an expert on such matters -- and fear not, I have thusly solved the problem!" She slipped her arm around Shingo's, ready to start their date. "Now, shall we begone from this place? Those dinner reservations wait for no--" Shingo shoved her arm away, and stepped back. "I don't think so, Karin. I'm not going to go chow down NOW. I've got to see to my friend. Jeez, it seems like every other week she's recovering from one injury or another..." "Oohoho! That's because she's weak!" Karin declared. "See?" The stretcher was wheeled past next -- stopping when Shingo physically stopped it. He didn't have to ask; the head medical tech knew what he was going to say. "She's not as badly hurt as it looks," the doctor said. "We've given her a sedative and she'll need a few days rest and some bandages, but she should be up and about in a week. We need to get her to medical, so if you will...?" "Right, right. I'm coming with you," Shingo said. He turned to face Karin, frowning deeply. "...we're going to have a long talk about this later, Karin. Okay... let's go." Karin watched the party depart, and sighed in mild annoyance. "He's a sweet boy, but so thickheaded sometimes," she reminded herself... "Very typical for little boys, wouldn't you say?" Morrigan asked, stepping up behind her. "No hard feelings, Karin. I suppose we both said some rather nasty things, but at least we've found something to agree on, yes?" "I suppose..." Karin mused. She sighed once more. "Such an unfortunate end. And it took me so long to get those dinner reservations! But Morimoto's finest cooking waits for no one, so I suppose I will go alone..." Morrigan smiled, walking around in front of the girl. "I'm a bit peckish, actually... I could use something tasty to eat. Who's Morimoto fellow?" "You are unaware of Iron Chef Japan? Oh, how horrid! You have no idea what you are missing out on..." "Tell me more on the way?" Morrigan suggested, anticipating quite a lovely evening indeed. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z [Cute graphic of an airplane with an SD-Nuku-Nuku face on the wing flying on one of those Indiana Jones red lines. It stops at SEATTLE, WA in America.] [Nuku-Nuku pops up in front of the camera with a cup of coffee, at a Starbucks'.] NUKU: HIIII! And a big 'Howdy' to all the Ultra fans in Japan, from America! Nuku-Nuku is on a worldwide publicity tour to spread the good word about Ultra, and Nuku-Nuku is having so much fun! Waiter? Another half calf double decaf moca fudge latte, please! [Shot of Nuku-Nuku staring up at the Space Needle.] NUKU-NUKU: That's the second biggest needle Nuku-Nuku has ever seen! [Montage of Nuku interviewing various fans around Seattle, who are wearing Ultra t-shirts and such.] EXCITED FAN: Ultra is 'Ichi'! I've been watching the dubs on TV ever since the first season! NUKU-NUKU: Thank you for your support! MARKISH FAN: I'm a Dan Fan! See my mighty fist? Dare you face me in combat?! Dan's gonna beat Sephiroth for the Omega belt if you smell what Stone Cold Dan Hibiki is taunting! YEAH! WOOOOO! WEIRD FAN: Bring back Toguru Ani! Toguru Ani smashes all competitors! Ani is god! BRING HIM BACK! NUKU-NUKU: ...ano, you're scaring Nuku-Nuku... CONFUSED FAN: What's Ultra? Isn't it that wrestling thing that's got pop or something? NUKU-NUKU: [sweatdrop] [Cue graphic of airplane connecting a flight to MINNEAPOLIS- ST.PAUL, MN.] [Shot of Nuku-Nuku outside of the Mall of America] NUKU-NUKU: That's the second biggest Mall of America Nuku-Nuku has ever seen! [Montage of Nuku interviewing various fans in the mall] ROMANTIC FAN: I really hope Hiroshi gets his girlfriend back from that Bison guy. Hiroshi, you can do it! YOUNG FAN: Nuku-Nuku is the COOLEST! Go Nuku! You would've beaten that robot if B-ko hadn't played dirty! NUKU-NUKU: Waai! Thanks! EVIL FAN: Marlo's the baddest of the bad! He's definitely gonna whomp Bean one, because he's the FURNITYRE SAVIOR! SMARK FAN: I started a tape-trader's club on campus when episode one first aired. We swapped fansubbed tapes over the Internet, and petitioned for ESPN to pick up the show. Everybody, watch more Ultra! It's not just for Japan! TIE-WEARING NON-FAN: Ultra promotes amorality and violence, encouraging our children towards deviant behaivor! We of the Right to Censor demand this foreign trash be pulled from our-- OW! NUKU-NUKU: Ano, sorry! Nuku-Nuku stepped on your foot. My bad. [Footage from a video promotion at a store in the Mall of America. Hundreds of fans lined up winding around the mall twice, just to get Nuku-Nuku autographied DVDs.] NUKU-NUKU: And for being such great fans, you'll get a copy of 'Best of Ultra, Vol 1.' now in english, dubbed and subbed, a day before the official release! Nuku-Nuku did her own dubbing thanks to Washuu teaching her the language! [Shot of Ultra fans posing with Nuku for the camera.] ALL TOGETHER: WE'RE READY FOR A LITTLE ULTRAVIOLENCE!! [A list of dates and locations in America and Europe scrolls by.] NUKU-NUKU: Nuku-Nuku may be coming to a town near you, so be on the lookout! Thanks for your support! Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "And we're back!" Hiroshi exclaimed into the microphone, making a mild dent in the clamor of the crowd. "We've just received word that Sakura Kasugano is going to be okay! The injuries she sustained from Karin and Morrigan are minor and she should be back to tip-top shape in just a few days!" "Next up is our amazing three-way Gamma championship match between the current champion Iori Yagami and the newfound Lambda team of Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo," Daisuke said while shuffling the notes in front of him. "What an amazing move by the booking committee! To give you, the Ultra fans, this sort of dynamic fusion of sports-entertainment goodness right here on the UltraRage Zeta Pay-Per-View, why it's absolutely amazing!" "Er... yes, 'Roshi, it is. Of course we're not going to go to the fight right away--" "We're not?" Hiroshi looked hurt. The din of the crowd dropped slightly at this announcement. "No, first I'd like to examine the history of two of these fighters. While Akane is a relative newcomer to the federation, Ranma and Iori have a long rivalry extending all the way back to Ultra's first season." "That's right!" Hiroshi pressed a button on the table which started a tape playing on the UltraTron. "They faced off for the very first time in only our seventh episode, when Ranma was still our first Gamma champion! It was an amazing fight that would become the sort that is a hallmark of our long Ultra tradition of bringing the fans the best of the best in Fighting Federation entertainment! WOO!" "Yes, it was rather brutal... of course, this is often the norm for fights involving Iori. In that fight, despite some problems and distractions, Ranma managed to pull out the win to remain the Gamma champion." "Of course he does! Ranma's got that style! That panache! That ability to keep up against all odds!" "Right, 'Roshi. The next time the pair crossed, it was at UltraRage Beta, when Iori was the Gamma champion. During the championship fight between Iori and Dan Hibiki, Ranma interfered by knocking Dan out with a steel chair. Iori got the win, but called Ranma out for the interference." "For the biggest Bad@$$ in Ultra, he sure had a strong sense of wanting what was right to get done!--" Daisuke shot a sidelong glance at his partner. For a moment, Hiroshi continued on his babbling tirade, but he finally noticed the glare. "What?" Hiroshi asked. "Nothing," Daisuke said with a slight smile. "Of course, the fight that resulted from this challenge was given special stipulations. As an 'I Quit' match, there were no countouts, no disqualifications--" "Just schmoozy Ultra fighting goodness as the two potential champions pounded the crap out of each other!" Hiroshi pumped his arm and the crowd roared at the clips of Ranma and Iori doing just that on the UltraTron. "--The match finally ended when neither fighter could continue. Despite the stipulations, it was a double K.O. and the Gamma belt was declared to be 'open', and was finally won by Mr. Satan." "Apparently Ranma did not like what happened, and a number of personal problems started around then." "I am absolutely stunned by the accuracy of that statement, 'Roshi." "Or Ranma managed to get ahold of some of Dan's amazing burritos and got really bad gas!" "... Then again it might have been wishful thinking on my part." Daisuke shuffled to the next note. "Ranma's poor demeanor led to a rather rapid loss of health. He eventually fell unconscious after he achieved a victory over Shingo Yabuki for the Gamma belt. It was declared vacant in our thirty- seventh episode." "Iori was more than willing to show his butt-kicking abilities at the Ranma Saotome Memorial tournament at UltraRage Gamma... but he was beaten by Earth's Mightiest Hero (tm) in episode thirty-nine!" "After his eventual return to Ultra after Gamma, more problems started for Ranma when his female half turned evil. He finally managed to overcome this--" "--In the stunning Loser Leaves Psyche match of UltraRage Epsilon!" Hiroshi interrupted. "Where else but on an Ultra Pay-Per-View would you be able to see a man confront his own personal demons in one-on-one combat for his life?" Daisuke coughed and ignored his partner. "In our season premier episode, following URE, Ranma and Iori fought again for the Gamma belt, which Iori won at the Pay Per View. In a sense of completeness, Iori managed to beat down Ranma rather severly to keep ahold of the belt, so now in the three times they have fought, they have each won once and had one draw." "But Ranma wasn't finished yet! You can't keep Nerima's favorite martial artist down for the count! He was back just two episodes later, saving Mr. Satan and earning Iori's eternal anger!" "Ranma interrupted another match later in the season between Iori and Marlo, again giving Iori the win by DQ. They seemed headed for a direct confrontation, but suddenly in the following episode, Akane and Ranma decided to join Lambda as a tag-team." "Of course, Ultra is dedicated to giving the fans the great confrontations they want, so now we've got this amazing three-way fight! WOO!" "I think it's interesting that all of the fights between Iori and Ranma have been for the Gamma belt. The history seems to be on Iori's side, as the one of them that held the belt has usually come out on top. Granted, Ranma has had a number of problems to hamper his chances." "Right! Iori's been one of the meanest bastards in the whole federation." Hiroshi brought his hand to his mouth. "*coughexceptbisoncough*" "What was that?" Daisuke frowned. "Nothing." "Ranma will also have to contend with his somewhat-girlfriend here, too. Who knows, maybe Ranma and Akane will end up fighting each other more than Iori." "We know that's not something that would get in Iori's way, he ripped apart his own girlfriend! Hmm... I wonder if Ranma and Akane's bickering will cause problems for them in the future." Daisuke opened his mouth to respond, but the lights went out, and a pyro display exploded along the entrance ramp as raging death metal started playing. The current Gamma champion, Iori Yagami, strode slowly to the ring. His eyes, hidden by his red bangs, turned neither right nor left to take in the crowd. For him, only the ring and what would play out inside mattered. He hoisted himself up onto the ring apron, the chain connecting his feet being no obstruction, then stepped through between the second and third ropes. Once inside, Iori began pacing back and forth along the edge of the ring. His steely eyes could be seen glinting behind his hair, staring hard towards the entrance. "No smacktalk from the champ, it seems," Daisuke said, "He usually only talks when he wants to play with his food. You can tell Iori's REALLY mad when he just shuts up and fights. Fortunately we have men with mops on hand to get any blood spills off the mat." "Lovely, Dai, but here's the challengers!" Hiroshi led the crowd in cheering as the hard techno strains of the Anything Goes theme music played to the choreography of the whirling spotlines. Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendou waved to the raging fans as they made their way down the ramp to the ring. "You're sure about this, Akane?" Ranma asked. "Positive," she answered, throwing a smile to a fan who was waving an 'Akane, I would date with thee!' sign wildly. "You can have the Gamma title, I'll help you beat him. You deserve it more after all you've been through." Ranma blushed. "Uh... gee, um ... err... Akane, that's... Uh, that is... I mean to--" "'Thanks' will be enough, Ranma. I know you're thickheaded, but you're capable of that." She grinned at him and after a moment, Ranma smiled back. "Thanks, Akane. Now let's get him!" The pair leapt over the top rope as one and charged the Gamma Champion. ][ ULTRARAGE EPSILON MATCH #2 : GAMMA CHAMPIONSHIP ][ IORI YAGAMI vs. RANMA SAOTOME vs. AKANE TENDOU ][ W/Special Guest Booker Jeff Petersen ][ FIGHT!! Ranma only touched the mat briefly before entering a flying kick aimed at Iori's head. Akane took a more traditional approach, charging forward with a punch aimed at the red-haired fighter's midriff. For a moment, Iori did not even move, but just before the double contact, he snapped his left arm up and deflected Ranma's kick. His right hand clamped down on Akane's wrist as he twisted to the side, drawing her attack beyond him. Ranma's flight was stopped by the far ropes. He flexed his knees and let the ropes spring him back towards the fray. He twisted in mid-air and narrowly missed Akane stumbling towards him. As he passed Iori, the pig- tailed martial artist snapped a punch that caught the taller fighter on the shoulder, but caused no noticeable damage. Ranma hit the mat on the far side of Iori lightly and swept himself up into a neutral stance while Akane turned on the far side. Iori flicked a glance back and forth between them. "Holy WOW! It seems like Ranma and Akane are going to take double-team tactics against the champ!" Hiroshi excited. "I'd say he doesn't have a chance in hell against the two of them at once!" From opposite sides, Ranma and Akane charged again. Twin punches swarmed in, aiming to cave in Iori's head, or at least do serious damage to his temples. They got within inches of his face... And then swept through empty air. Ranma pulled his punch just before it crushed Akane's nose. He let out a slight pant as he eyed the mirrored fist held just in front of his left eye. "Or, maybe, they'll just get in each other's way," Daisuke said. "Ohh no, that ain't gonna work, Iori," Ranma mocked. "We've been training as a team for weeks now. You won't pull the same stunt Morrigan did." "Heh." Iori smirked and drew his arms back. With a shout of "Shiki Yami Barai!" he thrust them forward, and a pair of yellow fireballs streaked towards each member of the Anything Goes team. Ranma backflipped out of the way. The projectile warmed his back as it flew by and out of the ring to impact harmlessly with the crowd-protection barrier. Akane was not so lucky. She started to turn away from the blast, but it clipped her in the side and exploded. The girl flew across the ring and slammed into the far turnbuckle. "Akane!" Ranma shouted. He ran over to her. "Are you alright?" A smirk crossed Iori's face as Ranma tended to Akane. He rushed Ranma and swept a clawed hand down across the boy's back, tearing through the red Chinese shirt and into the flesh beneath. Ranma let out a strangled cry and fell forward. Iori let out a triumphant laugh and clawed at Ranma again. "This is going to be easy," he murmured. He drew his hand back for a coup de grace strike. Akane burst up from her slumped position, driving a kick into Iori's chest and knocking him away. She hit the ground and spun into a roundhouse kick aimed for Iori's head. He blocked, but it drove him back further. Akane dropped herself into a defensive stance and eyed him warily. "Not going to press the attack?" Iori asked. "Just going to wait for your boyfriend to take care of the problem? Typical of a thunder thigh'd Atlas-esque tomboy." "And Iori rips a page from Marlo's handbook," Daisuke announced. "He's going straight for her biggest weakness!" Hiroshi cried. "How will she react to this change of tactics?" Akane started to glow with a red aura. "WHAT was that?!" she growled. "Not well," Daisuke answered Hiroshi. Ranma pushed himself to his feet. "Akane, quit it, he's tryin' to make you mad!" "Why don't you just climb out of the ring and let the referee count you out, so the REAL fighters can go at it... little girl?" Iori rolled his head slowly as he asked the question. "Little girl?!" Akane sputtered. "Akane!" Ranma cried. "Cut it out!" Akane whirled on him. "Ranma, stay out of this! I can fight my own fights, thank you very much! I don't need you saving me all the time!" "Here we go again," Daisuke said dryly. He glanced over at Hiroshi. "Told you." The pale-haired boy nodded mutely in response. "You're letting your temper get the best of you, dammit!" Ranma took a step towards Akane and held up a calming hand. "This is just the sort of thing he did to me when I was sick!" "Well, I'm not like you!" Ranma rolled his eyes. "Thank kami for that." Akane's jaw dropped. "What's that supposed to mean, baka?" "Who're you callin' a baka?!" Ranma demanded, his hands clenching into fists. Unnoticed by the pair, Iori had tensed up, his hands started to glow as he readied a massive flame attack. A satisfied grin crossed his face as he drew himself up to full height. "I'm calling you a baka, baka!" Akane planted her hands on her hips and thrust her chin forward. "Tomboy!" "Pervert!" "Shiki YA--!" Iori flared up and reared back, his arms sweeping wide as the flames built up in a massive charge. He took a step forward to get in range. "Sakazu--" A double punch slammed into his face as Akane and Ranma turned on a dime and counter-attacked. The formerly cursed-blood fighter sailed through the air, over the ropes and crashed through the Spanish announcer's table. The referee stood by the ropes and surveyed the result. "KO," he said. "Iori Yagami is out." "Yes!" Akane pumped her arm. She and Ranma exchanged a high-five. Despite the roaring of the crowd, the slap of their hands together carried above it with distinction. "It was a ruse!" Hiroshi cried with glee. "It was a ruse all along! They baited Iori into thinking he had 'em fighting each other!" "This is an amazing turn of events, to be sure," Daisuke said more calmly. "Ranma and Akane have managed to use their supposed bickering to an advantage and have gained the win over Iori Yagami." The Ultradome was on its feet, banners were waved (except for the few which displayed things like 'Iori! You can have my cursed blood anytime!') and the cheers and screams threatened to force the air from the building. Ranma and Akane stepped out of the ring and made their way up the ramp. Halfway up Akane stopped and turned. She waved and then flexed her arms, then did show of pulling her mallet from hammerspace. The cheers redoubled upon themselves. "DING!" The bell ring was like a rifle-shot. Almost instantly, silence reigned in the cavernous room. Ranma and Akane looked at each other in confusion and shrugged as one. "What was that?" Daiske finally broke the silence "Ranma and Akane have been eliminated by countout!" Hiroshi moaned. "A winner is no one!" Ranma facepalmed. "Dammit. I forgot..." he said into his hand. "You mean nobody won the title?" Akane asked. Her hands clenched. "Ranma! Weren't you paying attention to that?" He grinned sheepishly. "I was too busy celebrating. So were you, in fact." "Raaanma..." Her aura started to flare up again. Ranma held up his hands to stave her off. "Hold on, hold on. Let's go ask Nabiki. She can clear this up." After a moment, Akane calmed down and the pair turned and finished heading up the ramp to talk to Ultra's head booker. "Do we even have a Gamma champion anymore?" Hiroshi asked, voicing the confusion of the crowd. "I'm not sure," Daisuke answered. "The title has been vacated before when a call can't be made... notably when Ranma had his nervous breakdown..." "Just stay tuned, everyone! We'll find out an official ruling as soon as possible." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z And things had been going so well. Nothing kills a crowd like a non-finish loaded with confusion. Nothing kills a title's credibility than having no belt holder. Since 'nothing' implies mutual exclusivity and yet both were happening at the same time, she was in truly hot water. Yes. Hot water is what she needed right now. She went to the portable coffee machine in the backstage area, intending on filling her Ultra-sized Ultra Coffee Mug (which turns pink when filled with Danorade(tm)) with some sweet, nerve-jangling java. Anything to help her focus. What could she do to fix... There was a plain white envelope left next to the coffee machine. On impulse, Nabiki snatched it up and yanked out the letter within. She read it quickly, hoping it was... yes, it was what she thought it was. And it was much better than any idea she could come up with on short notice... not that she was deficient as a leader and booker, of course. Far from it. She would have come to this conclusion eventually. Yes, most definitely-- "Nabiki!" "No time, sister, I've got an announcement to make," Nabiki stated, downing the coffee in one roof-of-your-mouth-melting-gulp, and marching right past the confused tag team. She waved for them to follow her as an afterthought. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "Never thought I'd be thrilled to see Nabiki," Daisuke spoke in his usual utterly non-thrilling way. "Looks like we're going to get our answer, folks." Nabiki didn't bother to go to the ring; she wasn't staying long. She snapped her fingers once, and a techie immediately placed a microphone in her outstretched hand. Ignoring the puzzled looks from her sister and her sister's boy toy, she re-read the paper, and spoke. "Attention... I've made my decision," Nabiki announced. "While Iori was clearly eliminated first, Ranma and Akane left the ring at the same time. This could be interpreted as having no winner, but in a way, it also means they BOTH won the match. Therefore... Ranma and Akane are the co-Gamma champions. Either one may defend the belt at any point in the future... but once one of them loses it, both of them have lost it! Ladies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause for your new champion! Champions. Whatever." The weirdness did put a damper on the crowd reaction, but only for a few moments. When a stagehand forced the Gamma belt into both Ranma and Akane's waiting hands, the quiet turned to applause and cheering and sign waving. Some guy in the front row who brought plenty of blank signboard and a marker had already prepared a 'I Thought Gold Was For The 50th Anniversary! Get Married Already!' sign. Pleased with herself, Nabiki stepped around the happy couple to return to return to the backstage area. Ranma and Akane reluctantly posed for the crowd, before joining her. "And UltraRage Zeta takes another turn for the unexpected! I've never seen anything like this before, Daisuke!" Hiroshi marked. "I doubt this is going to sit well with Iori... I guess we'll find out in the weeks to come. But for now, we've still got a mystery location for the Hardcore bout to look forward to! Stay tuned!" "Hiroshi... like I said before, they PAID for the show. They are GOING to stay tuned." "Don't mess with my groove, Daisuke." "...your what?" "Groove. Don't mess with it. New catch phrase, like it? Or would you rather I said 'Work with me, D--'" "Groove works for me," Daisuke quickly said. "Just swear you'll never have it put on a T-shirt." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z [Graphic: "NEW! NEW! NEW! At UltraShopZone.com!"] ANNOUNCER: Get your very on 'Don't mess with my groove, Daisuke!' t-shirt! It's groovy! It's t-shirty! It glows under a blacklight and is non- carcinogenic! You'll be the envy of your friends, family, and all the girls who refused to go out with you on a date. Only $29.95! GET YOURS TODAY, AND NOBODY WILL MESS WITH YOUR GROOVE! Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "..........." Daisuke commented. "Ah... well! It's time for our Hardcore championship match!" Hiroshi announced. "And well, I guess it's just not an UltraRage without Marlo on the mike... let's see what he's got to say!" "................." Daisuke continued. Marlo ignored the thunderous waves of anger poured on him by the audience, pacing back and forth with a microphone in his hand. He'd been waiting weeks for this chance to punish those two idiots once and for all... and had spent all week writing new jibes and insults to hurl at them before the match. With a wry grin, he-- Lost the microphone when Bean yanked it out of his hands. The UltraDome took a collective inhale of breath in shock, lowering the air pressure of the building and threatening to collapse the superstructure. Nobody had ever disarmed Marlo before in... quite that way. Marlo himself turned purple. "HEY!! Gimmie back my mike, asshole!" "Oh? Want this?" Bean asked, dangling it just out of Marlo's limited reach, jerking it up any time the kid jumped to grab at it. "Reach for it, Marlo! You gotta want it! Eye of the tiger, Marlo, eye of the tiger!" Marlo snagged a steel chair from Furniture Space, ready to fight. "You're gonna be feeling the chairshot of a pissed off Furnituyre Savior if you don't give that back right--" Then the chair was yanked from his hands by a chain. Mousse caught it from midair, grinning madly. "This a private party, or can anybody bring the pain?" he asked. Before the beatings could commence, Nabiki appeared on the UltraTron, approximately 2.4 times the size of god. "Now now, boys, let's keep the fight to the special battleground I have selected," she warned. "A referee will join you shortly, and I'll have a portal for you in... ah, there we go." A blue swirling portal, using the WashuuTech Portal-o-Matic Ultra normally employed for Omega matches and the like, opened behind the three competitors. Marlo was through first, thoroughly pissed and wanting to get this over with... the other two followed after. "And it looks like we're getting a camera feed!" Hiroshi spoke redundantly, as the UltraTron cut to the video signal. "The secret battleground is... is......................." "I forget, will Nabiki dock our pay if we curse on the air?" Daisuke asked. "..." Hiroshi continued. "I'll take that as a no, and issue a firm 'holy shit' on behalf of my stunned companion," Daisuke told the camera. "This one is going to get messy, people. Take it from a couple of Nerimans." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z A portly man in a brown suit took down the final 'Under Renovations' sign, leaning heavily on his cottage. He wasn't getting any younger, and that was an incredible amount of work... but now the day was done. "Ah, at last long task of repairs complete!" he spoke to himself, because when you live in a shack in the middle of China with the nearest neighbor dozens of miles away you tend to either talk to yourself or find a volleyball to make into a companion. "Now I sit down and enjoy good dinner and Victoria's Secret catalogue--" The blue swirling portal of Ultra opened next to his cottage, disgorging three men waiting to tear each other's throats out. Fortunately for them, the blinding sun glinting off hundreds of pools of water stunned them for 1D6 rounds. "Strange travelers," the stocky man said more or less to himself. But still, he had one other job which didn't keep regular hours... to be a tour guide... "Welcome, welcome! This is legendary cursed training ground, Jusenkyo!" He helpfully held up a sign in Chinese which two of them could not read. "What's Jusenkyo?" Bean asked, before realizing he didn't care and laying a haymaker on Mousse. Somewhere back in the UltraDome, the ring bell did its ringing thing. ][ ULTRARAGE EPSILON MATCH #3 : HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP ][ BEAN vs. MARLO vs. MOUSSE ][ FIGHT! Mousse was so shocked that he didn't feel himself being knocked flat by Bean's fist. He rolled automatically back to his feet, as a few thoughts battled for timeshare in his mind. "I'm in Jusenkyo! The pools are filled again! I could be cured here!" "I could jump in the wrong pool and make my curse even worse!" "I could get KNOCKED into a pool during the fight!" "Wait, I've trained here before, I have the advantage!" "Bean's as agile as a pregnant yak!" "I'M GONNA WIN!" Of course, in the the time it took to think of all those things, Marlo was after him with a chair. He quickly weaved around the boy, letting the chair whack the approaching Bean instead as he jumped into the air... and landed on one foot, on one of the many poles. "If you guys think you're REAL fighters, let's see you get me!" Mousse taunted, doing a quick handstand on the top of the pole just to show off. "You're in MY yard now, and I'm the big duck! Err, dog." Bean casually shoved Marlo into the Jusenkyo Tour Guide, grinning. "Hey, alright! A challenge. I LIKE a challenge!" Showing surprising vertical leap, Bean jumped into the air, and landed on a pole -- and wobbled slightly, before getting his balance. Laughing madly, Mousse skipped from pole to pole, always moving a step away from the clumsy barroom brawler... "Wait, sirs, wait!" the Guide shouted, trying to get to his feet. "Listen to my sad sad story! It very bad if you fall in spring--" An Ottoman sofa pushed the Tour Guide against his cottage, as Marlo snarled and growled and generally went into full Pissed Off Teenage Punk mode. "You two ignorin' me?!" he shouted at the leaping fools, as he produced his weapon of choice -- the steel folding chair. "I can jump just as well as you can! WATCH THIS!" With a running dash, Marlo's sneakers pounded on the dirt again and again, until he LEAPT into the air... ...and came up about ten feet too short to reach the top of a pole. He frantically grabbed for the nearest wooden pillar, and clung to it like a koala, determined to scale it rope-in-gym-class style if he had to to reach this fight, despite the embarrassment. Bean landed on the pole Marlo clung to, rattling the wooden spire as his mighty heavy boots continued to prove unsatisfactory for easy balancing. But at least he was staying close to Mousse... unless the boy was toying with him. "I'm just toying with you, you realize," Mousse chuckled... and produced a curved sickle blade on a chain. "But now, I'm gonna win what I came to win! DIE, BEAN BANDIT!" Well, damn, Bean thought. He wasn't going to win THIS way. So, throwing caution to the wind... he jumped from his precarious position, right towards his enemy with intent of proving that every defensive linebacker in the NFL was a pussy. With a sickening WHACK, Bean impacted with Mousse. The blade flew wildly, snarling out and down, cutting a pole in half... the pole Marlo was attached to. There was a vaguely Wile E. Coyotean moment of pause. Then the pole slid apart. "...crap," Marlo spoke, before being dumped headfirst into the nearest pool of water. The generic referee was there in a flash to make the count... and made it, as bubbles rose. The champion was officially out of the match; now, one of the challengers would take home the gold. Bean and Mousse were luckier; the impact of Bean's well built bulk on Mousse sent both of them soaring through the air, clearing the pools and crashing to a nasty halt on the ground near the cottage. Mousse jumped to his feet quickly, striking out as fast as he could, knowing a ground game against Bean Bandit wasn't a good way to stay in this fight... but unfortunately, a ground game against Bean Bandit was proving not to be a good way to stay in this fight. Bean met him move for move, not so much parrying as absorbing the blow and flowing with the move, punches and elbows flying like sparrows in migration... Pushing Bean back hard to buy him some crucial seconds, Mousse flung a hook on a chain out... to his left. He snagged the nearest pole, and jumped, swinging away. Bean turned to face him, grinning madly. "S'matter, kid? You too chicken to stand and--" Of course, anybody who has played tetherball can confirm the basic physics of a swinging object on a pole. You whack the ball nice and hard... and it just comes around to smack you one upside the head. Which is precisely what Mousse did, whirling around on the chain to meet Bean at degree number three hundred and fifty nine. The point driver flipped over completely in the air, landed on his feet, slipped on a rock and toppled backwards into one of the pools. Mousse landed on the exact spot he left, snickering. "Whooops! Silly me. You fell into spring of drowned... well, it doesn't matter! I can whack around an animal three times as easily as a man, and take the belt in the process!" Bubbles started to rise from the water, as Mousse stepped closer... but not too close, not stupid enough to be within reach of his enemy. He simply wanted a better look at what weak little body Bean was now cursed with... Bean Bandit rose from the water like a submarine heading for the surface at full engine power. His expression was, to put it mildly, sour. He clamped one meaty hand around Mousse's throat, surprising the boy... "You got my jacket wet," he spoke in a perfectly normal human voice. What followed next is best described as : Headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt, headbutt. HEADBUTT. Mousse slowly fell backwards, landing flat on his back, with a huge bump rising from his forehead. The referee signaled for the bell. Bean Bandit had won the three way dance. "I hate it when people mess with my jacket," Bean calmly commented, as he stepped out of the pool and took the Hardcore belt from the ref. "Sir?" the Tour Guide asked, popping up nearby and poking Bean lightly in the arm. "You no change?" "Change?" Bean asked, scratching his (wet) head. "These are cursed training grounds of Jusenkyo! Full of pools where animals and people drown over hundred year ago! All who fall in, change forms when splashed with cold water!" "Oh, like Ranma?" Bean asked. "Funny, I don't feel any different..." "Hmmm... not finished cataloging pools yet. Don't know which one you fell into, sir, but sometimes curse very subtle," the Guide commented. "And other times--" A sharp female scream rose from a nearby pool. "...other times, curse not so subtle," the Tour Guide spoke. Marlo sat up in a pool of water... and peered down her wet, slightly stretched t-shirt. "WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE DOING HERE?!" she screamed. "WHAT THE (bleep) (bleep) IS GOING ON, YOU (bleep) (bleep) (bleeeeeeeeeeeeee...)" Bean stared, dumbfounded. "Whoa. Ah... I think I better go before the kid pops a blood vessel. Nice meeting you, pal." Gold in hand, Bean Bandit marched off through the portal, leaving Mousse to his splitting headache and Marlo to her fate. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z ... ... "aaaAHAHAHAHAHAaaaHAHAaaHAHAHAAaaaaaAAAAAA!!!" Hiroshi laughed, doubling over in agony as he turned red and pounded a fist on the announcer's desk. "OH MY GOD! Daisuke, did you see... you see... AAHAHHAHAHAAA!!" "...Hiroshi, please, try to maintain some compos... oh, screw it. HA HA HA HA HA!!" Daisuke laughed out loud, cracking his first smile all night. "Oh, gods, that was just too freakin' ironically hilarious. You know, for all the crap I go through on a weekly basis for this show... it's the little things that make it all worthwhile..." "We'll... we'll be back after these highlights from... hee heee..." Hiroshi giggled, trying hard to speak. "From... from the Omega AHAHAHAa!!.. from the Omega rivalries that have been HAA HAA... oh, forget it! Cut to the video! Someone get me an oxygen tank, I think I'm having another heart attack! HA HA HA..." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "...mail routing, yes," Nabiki repeated, wishing she had converted to digital from cellular. The walls of the backstage UltraDome area were terrible for phoning important things. "I want to know where the tube message came from. Yes, I know the server is down. The server is ALWAYS down, it seems. I don't care how you do it, just-- what is it, Marlo?" The blonde fumed like a cheap Presto log, water evaporating off the heat of anger rising from her body. "Why the hell did you book me in that.. thing?" Marlo asked, voice decidedly high pitched. "LOOK AT ME!!" "Yeah, I know," Nabiki spoke calmly. "The fans enjoyed it a lot, too. Live Internet reports went out a minute ago on the fansites, and we're already popping an incredible buyrate on the encore presentation--" "Do I look like I give a rat's ass about the buyrate?!" Marlo shouted. "I'm a GIRL! A GIRL! I thought we had an understanding here, you give me matches that I can dominate, not... not this!" "Yes, well, nobody pays me to see you dominate, Marlo," she reminded 'her'. "I have a priority to the bottom dollar. Don't think of it as a curse, that's unproductive. Think of it as a tremendous dramatic booking opportunity I can now exploit--" For the first time in quite some time, Nabiki found herself being manhandled. Even if it was by a woman. Marlo grabbed her and swung her against the nearest wall, the cellular phone clattering out of her hand and to the floor... "You treasonous, manipulative, backstabbing little BITCH!" she accused, producing an oven range from Furniture Space. "I take back everything nice I ever pretended to say about you! I'm gonna--" A hard kick to the head knocked Marlo aside, tumbling over her own oven range. Ranma hopped on top of the oven, to talk down to her, literally. "Normally I don't like to hit girls, but in your case I'm making an exception, MARLA," he oozed, hopping down to bounce off "Marla"'s stomach. The young woman went unconscious immediately, while Akane helped her sister back to her feet. Nabiki did her best to appear composed and cool, despite her adrenaline pumping like a cylinder at Hoover Dam. "...thanks, Saotome," she said, not having the breath for anything else. "No prob, Nabiki," Ranma said, smiling to her. "Great work, by the way. C'mon, Akane, let's get home. I don't relish Iori finding us tonight, I'm tired of beating up these losers." There it was again, Nabiki's mind absently thought. 'No prob, Nabiki.' 'Great work, Nabiki.' Someone actually approving of her decision, and she wasn't paying them with favors... She gathered up her phone, which thankfully hadn't broken, and called security to clear out Marlo. The show must go on... and for a change, she was having fun. Real fun, not just the satisfaction of her enemies being trounced. Maybe once the show was over, she could think about why. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Her instructions were clear: 'Park the car by the emergency exit and wait for me.' Just in case he had to leave in a hurry with two angry young men hot on his heels... but that meant Tifa couldn't find out the results of the match until it was too late. She fretted by the shiny red Roadbuster, hoping she wasn't going to be spending the night in the medical ward at his bedside. Either the fight took a long time, or he was late-- Tifa caught the glint of a parking lot light off the gold around Bean's waist before she saw the rest of him. The rest of him was smiling like the cat who swallowed the canary. "I feel like celebrating! Fried chicken is on me!" he declared, giving her a peck on the cheek before hopping into the car. "You won?!" she exclaimed, hurrying to the passenger side. "Was there ever any doubt?" Bean asked. "You told me to beat up Marlo one season ago, so I did. He's developed into a fine young woman, too!" "Err..." "I'll explain later. For now, we PARTY!" Bean declared, turning the key in the ignition-- Falling objects are silent. It's when they stop falling that they make an incredible amount of noise. A half ton of steel molded into the shape of a spiked ball crashed from the roof of the UltraDome onto the hood of the Roadbuster. The entire car tipped forward from the weight, Detroit Rock City metal bending and screaming out from the weight, until finally the engine sputtered and died, kicking up a cloud of steam around the strange object. When the steam cleared, Bean found himself looking directly at a finely printed note attached to the steel ball. 'Looking forward to the rematch! signed, Mousse and Shampoo.' ...the silence inside the trashed car was deadly. Tifa put one glove on her door handle, just in case. "Bean..." Bean's grip tightened on the wheel hard enough to bend it in half. "...my... car..." he whispered. "Uh, Bean--" "MY... CAR...!!!" Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "Did you just hear a scream?" Hiroshi asked, after taking another pull from the oxygen mask. "Maybe a faint one," Daisuke said. "But that's only normal during a fighting event. Coming up next, folks, we've got the Omega showdown... Dan and Sephiroth have been having issues for awhile now, but Voiduck is the unknown factor here. While the Pokemon hasn't been a major player, he IS a former Omega title holder with the spirit of the Orochi inside his body." "And Sephiroth has been keeping a low profile lately," Hiroshi added. "He's never had a genuine interest in the title, but seems to want to fight Dan badly enough to want this matchup. What will happen next? What will happen next on this crazy show?!" "Oxygen, Hiroshi, oxygen." "I'm feeling better now, actually," Hiroshi said, setting the mask down. "I've been doing a lot of cardio therapy, you know, gotta keep healthy... for what you know I'm planning." "Let's not get into that right now. We take you live and direct to Generic Blasted Wasteland #2569, where our Omega match takes place." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Meanwhile, back at stately Daitokuji Major... The heir to the planet was being preened. B-ko finished the hundred strokes of the comb, and knelt slightly to adjust her knight in shining leather's cape. "There! Now you look simply smashing! And preferably you will be smashing that fool and his duck." "Really now, B-ko... I'm about to do battle. My appearance matters not," he reminded her. "It never hurts to look good while standing over the shattered bodies of your enemies, Sephy-kun. Let's see, what else... is the gauntlet tuned?" "Yes, yes," Sephiroth spoke irritably, tightening the leather straps that held its metal frame over his hand. "I adjusted it after it took out Schneider before it could complete the process. Now it will function exactly as the scrolls Lina so helpfully provided us have detailed." "And you're wearing clean underwear, yes?" Sephiroth sweatdropped for the first time in his existence. "...yes." B-ko clasped her hands together, over her heard. "Go forth, Sephy-kun, and win one for me! But make sure you return quickly thereafter. We do have that thing to take care of before the end of the show." "Yes, yes. This will not be difficult. Fare the well, my love." Tearing a gash in the fabric of space and time, Sephiroth traveled from point A to point Z while points B-Y complained loudly. The rip healed itself up behind him. "What a man!" B-ko exclaimed to herself, sighing out loud. What did she ever see in that Mihoshi woman, anyway? Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Generic Blasted Wasteland #2569 provided no distractions, which was precisely how Sephiroth preferred matters. This 'Dan' creature had... an unfortunate tendency to win by luck thanks to ill-placed environmental hazards, even during the times they had clashed in battle. Today would be different. For starters... it was not going to be a battle... Next to arrive was Voiduck, emerging from a swirling black and purple portal, the energies of the Void pulsing in a nonexistent sort of way. The Pokemon did not look happy to be here, but then again, it was difficult to read any sort of expression with it clutching its head constantly, eyes like two runny eggs failing to show anything more than mild rage. (Although, inside... Voiduck was not afraid. Voiduck was not some silly duck, he was the Orochi pure and true despite being jammed into a handy carrying size. What's more, even with this handicap, he had taken down Eva unit zero and Rei Ayanami just the other week! Perhaps he was finally getting used to this new host, and would be able to win this battle... not that he needed a title, but it would put more [fear] in the hearts of man, and the [VOID] would continue its path of rage! Or maybe it would just help him tolerate his headache some to know he wasn't a complete loser.) "Voi!" Voiduck declared, pointing a fin at Sephiroth, trying to intimidate the one who stood seven times his height. "VoioiOI!" Sephiroth looked down at the Pokemon in confusion. "What? Oh. You may take your leave regardless of the Tendo woman's wishes, I have no interest in you. Your powers are no longer significant." "Voi, voi. ... [VOI?!]" Voiduck blurted out, jaw falling. The traditional blue of an Ultra portal flooded the wasteland, as Krillin arrived, with Dan rolling out soon after. The pink wonder pulled a complicated figure four flying roll maneuver, an Immelman roll, and landed on two feet with one forearm shaking... holding his treasured Omega belt with a tight fist. "Again, you challenge me, silly white haired leather fetishist man!" Dan taunted. "You are nothing in the eyes of Dan! Tens have fallen before my mighty fists, and you will be no different! As the people's Omega champion, it is my sworn duty to defend my title with honor and might and style, and therefore, you must be destroyed, no offense intended! Prepare yourself!!" ...and Sephiroth, the one winged angel, smiled as he completely ignored every pissant word out of the champion's mouth. "The prey has arrived," he whispered to himself... flexing his fingers inside the enchanted metal. ][ ULTRARAGE EPSILON MATCH #4 : OMEGA CHAMPIONSHIP ][ DAN vs. VOIDUCK vs. SEPHIROTH ][ FIGHT! Dan flexed his forearm, which had spent countless hours in the gym in preparation for this fight. It was currently the strongest muscle in his manly physique, and he showed it off to great effect... on everybody except Sephiroth, who cared not. "I do not seek your silly golden belt. I have held it before, and it did nothing for me," Sephiroth spoke, declining to draw his sword or start the fight. "You may cry your tears and speak so highly of it, but that is not what I came for. I came for you." "You dare insult my honor!?" Dan shouted, glowing a sickly pink. "Such people have no business in Ultra, if they do not seek its highest prizes! Dan will punish you for your insolence of his Saikyo-style fighter's code and all it stands for, in the name of himself and his father! OYAAJIIII!!!!" "...voi?" Voiduck added, a little confused at the situation. (But still quite [HATEFUL] of it, naturally.) "How repetitive you have become," Sephiroth spoke, flexing his fingers again, waiting for the pink warrior to make his first move. "How tiring you are. Do you actually fight, or do you simply--" A pink comet flared through the air. "DAN! DAN! KIIIIIICK!!" the comet shouted, a wild ball of energy and determination. Good... but not enough, Sephiroth decided. He followed every motion of the 269 Kicks a Second attack, and timed his parry perfectly -- deflecting Dan away, and turning to face him in case he tried a new pass. "You consider this power?" the Son of Jenova asked. "Come on, Dan. Show me your true power. Let me see the spirit you hold inside you!" Whirling in place, Dan floated a good seventy five feet away... as he gathered the world's lamest looking ki charge in one hand, a wobbly blob of pink light that you could duplicate in a low budget movie with poor camera shutter control and a lava lamp. "Very well! You leave me no choice, but to unleash... SHINKUUU.... GADOOO--" That will suffice, Sephiroth decided. With a motion that no mortal eye could see, Sephiroth seemed to be in two places at once. One, waiting for Dan's attack seventy five feet away, and two, up close and personal with his gloved hand latched around Dan's forearm. The angel wrenched that mighty arm behind Dan's back... the pink light of the Gadoken finisher seeming to melt into the metal of his gauntlet... the pink aura around Dan doing similar. "Perfect... perfect!" Sephiroth declared, as Dan howled and whined and cried like a little girl at the mean man putting him in a hammerlock. "I can feel your power pulsing through my body! My 'Draw' gauntlet has finally tapped into your TRUE power! At LAST!" Breaking off, Sephiroth swung Dan by the arm, and hurled him into the ground. Voiduck scrambled madly to avoid being hit by the flying martial artist, but it did little good; the blast of Dan hitting ground was like a meteor crashing to earth, digging his own grave/crater, kicking up dust and sending the Pokemon of Hate flying. Voiduck's headache pulsed behind his eyes, the explosion not helping matters. He rolled around a few times, trying to control the pain... "Uh..." Krillin said, peering into the hole in the ground that was Dan Hibiki. "Ten... nine--" Sephiroth landed, and held up a hand to stop Krillin from making the ten count. "Silence. I want him to understand his ultimate defeat before I send him to his final end. Dan? Do you still live?" ...and a gloved hand grasped the edge of the crater, pulling a smoldering Dan Hibiki along with it. He was bruised and bleeding, but grimacing with an anger not normally seen in Ultra. "...you... you have weakened Dan!" he declared. "What fiendish magic is this?!" "This?" Sephiroth asked, holding up the gauntlet. "I have drawn your power from you. For Dan, you have foolishly given me the only power you've ever had... the final remaining piece of the Godhead!" Times like this I wish Goku carried a cellphone, Krillin thought to himself, while edging away from the scene. "Even after the collapsing of Heaven and Hell, you retained the power you stole from my rightful inheritance," Sephiroth spoke, the gauntlet starting to glow as he prepared to use that power. "A part of the Godhead must have lived on in you, empowering you... but no more. With this, I can fulfil my destiny as Lord over all creation. Know this... before I destroy you with your own power..." ...and Sephiroth rolled backwards. "Oosha!" he taunted, shaking the gauntlet. Roll. "Doshta doshta! --what?!" ...and Dan did laugh. "Silly mamma's boy!" he called out, shaking his injured arm, to regain some feeling in it. "Godhead, Schmodhead! I lost that particular power in the great folding!" "Yayouze!" Sephiroth cheered, smiling and giving Dan a big 'ol thumbs up... before he snarled and snapped out of it, body shaking. "...IMPOSSIBLE! How else could you retain your power level without--" "I have PERFECTED my Saikyo-style!" Dan smiled, shaking his mighty forearm... the pink aura returning slowly. "This is the final level of the training I began years ago when my daddy died! Dan's power is now fueled directly by his mighty ego, which is infinite in depth! Such power is beyond your imagining, you big fat DOODY HEAD! Now you will truly understand the meaning of my ultimate attack's name..." Rushing forward, Dan feinted left, dodged right, appeared in six places at once and finally ended up nose to nose with Sephiroth... The hurting commenced. "CERTAIN! VICTORY! RELYING! ON! *NOBODY*! BUT! MYSELF! FIIIISSST!!" Whatever preening B-ko had done was completely undone by the attack. Sephiroth collapsed to one knee, coughing up blood, near blacking out... Which was utterly unacceptable. He had miscalculated, yes, but he would not be humiliated for such an error. He would NEVER be humiliated. He shook his gauntlet, which had no materia slots to speak of... he would need more power. Power from... "Voi?" There. Before Dan could reach down to deliver the final blow, Sephiroth rolled out of the way, using Saikyo-style rolling techniques to reach Voiduck before anyone could object. The clamped the metal glove directly to Voiduck's head. The little mallard had shown intense telekinetic power before, Sephiroth reasoned, so there was no reason he couldn't tap into that reservoir to-- Both Jenovan and Pokemon screamed in absolute agony. If it was possible to have your head physically detonate from the sheer intensity of a headache, it would have happened. The opposite of something flowed along the link through the glove, burning out the runes inscribed in the metal, the gauntlet itself exploding and knocking the two apart... the link severed, but not soon enough. Krillin made a rather quick ten count, to make sure he could get out of here before Sephiroth wakes up. "The winner and still Omega champion, Dan Hibiki! And I'm outta here!!" The blue portal opened and he was first through. "Stone Cold Dan Hibiki 3:16 says you just beat yourself up, fool!" Dan shouted, taunting the fallen genetic whackos, before rolling into the portal himself. ...minutes later, something foul smelling was being waved under Sephiroth's nose. His hand instinctively clamped onto the offending arm holding it there. B-ko quickly dropped the smelling salts, and pried one of Sephiroth's eyelids open. "Sephy-kuuun! Are you okay, Sephy-kun?" "...I am not certain," Sephiroth had to admit. His head was pounding away like a jackhammer... and yet, he could feel a distinct sort of emptiness inside him. An emptiness familiar but unrecognizable... "It looks like whatever you were drawing from the Pokemon overloaded the gauntlet," B-ko informed him. "I'm not certain we can repair it. And the Pokemon himself was carried away by that stick girl they call a Pokemon trainer--" "It is of no importance," Sephiroth decided, still holding his head with one hand. "I believe that I may have found what I seek despite my miscalculation." "What do you mean?" "I sought to obtain power as heir to the Lord's godhead, so that I could assume my rightful place in creation..." Sephiroth spoke... as a black and purple aura started to form around him. "But I suppose that becoming the newly christened heir to the [VOID] will do just as well..." Smiling, he turned to face the camera, and hurled a black disc of nothingness at it. The signal cut off immediately. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "...I just saw what I think I saw, right?" Hiroshi asked, staring at the static playing across the UltraTron. "I saw what I think I saw, right? Right?!" "This is why I got a 'reality consumed by void' clause in my life insurance," Daisuke said. "I have to wonder how the REAL Orochi nee Voiduck is gonna react to this... when he wakes up. But we've still got more action in store, folks, right after this video package." "You're being pretty calm about this new development, Dai..." "I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought, actually. And my senses have been numbed by one crazy development after another during tonight's show." "Oh. Okay. I was worried for a minute there." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "I MUST protest this unfair treatment!" Jesse continued, following Nabiki around the halls of the backstage area, dragging her reluctant partner by the elbow. "This is unjustified, illegal, intolerable, unmutual, and above all utterly without tact, Nabiki! If you think you can run us out of this federation with some loser leaves town rule, you are SADLY--" "Actually, I'm hoping you'll win," Nabiki said simply. "...what?" "It makes sense to me now," she said, with a tone of clarity... while showing off the numbers tallying themselves up on her pocket computer. "Team Rocket equals Ratings, whereas Kunou baby fails to set the world on fire. See these buyrates? I'm making a killing off pre-orders for the encore even as we speak, and they don't even know if you're going to win. All they know is that you two are main-eventing the wildest non-ELE pay per view on record!" "So this is about money, is it?" Jesse asked. "I run a business, Jesse, it's always about money. Personally, I think you two are moronic whack jobs who belong with a freak like Jack, but the fans like you, the fans have money, I like money, and I still control your contracts so you can't really do anything I wouldn't approve of, CHAOS or not. Everything works out in the end and everybody is happy, yes? So go out there and keep your jobs and make me some money in the process. I am... if not cheering for you, I'll be hoping for you with at least a third of my heart." "I... suppose she has a point, Jesse," James piped in with. "But what about Wolverine? He's not going to pick someone like, uh, Sephiroth as a partner, correct?" "Definitely Gamma level, James, don't piss in your pants," Nabiki requested. "He cleared his mystery partner through me... and I'm gonna leave it as a surprise. When you find out, try to be facing a camera, I need the shot of your reaction to put into tomorrow night's video package. Now get going." "But--!" "Oh, quit whining, James," Jesse scolded. "This is an excellent opportunity for Team Rocket to defeat both Wolverine and the Samurai, our most hated rivals, in one fell swoop -- while reclaiming our gold!" "You forgot Ash Ketchum and his sidekick." "He's a bit distracted by Gary, it seems. I tire so of defeating him constantly, it is for the best. Now, let's go reclaim our belts and become Team Champion Rocket once more! You'll start in the ring first." James emitted the whimper of the doomed. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z "You know, the last time the Lambda division occupied the main event of a pay per view was the disastrous 'Amusement Park Moon Battle'," Hiroshi commented. "But you can't deny the heat of the tag team division right now, folks! We've got Team Rocket, arguably the most popular tag team in Ultra history, taking on three of the nastiest guys in Ultra, plus one mystery guest. Who can predict this outcome?!" The lights dimmed. The dramatic music swelled. The crowd went wild. A spotlight appeared on Jesse, who was already in the ring. "Prepare for TROUBLE!" The next spotlight appeared on James, who stood next to her, sniffing at a delicate red rose. "Make it--" Then all the music cut off, the lights turned back on and whatever mood had been building died a nasty death. In moments, the Samurai were the most hated individuals on the planet, as they stood at the top of the entrance ramp, laughing at the poor fools in the ring. "HA HA! YOUR ENTRANCE IS A SOURCE OF WEAKNESS!" Haohmaru declared into a microphone, amplifying his already amplified voice to intense new heights. "IF YOU SAW THE ENLIGHTENMENT OF THE WAY OF THE SWORD YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THE WAY TO DEFEAT YOUR ENEMY IS TO STRIKE AT THEIR WEAKNESS, AND WE IN OUR ENLIGHTENED STATE HAVE DONE JUST THAT BY BRIBING THE SOUND GUY TO TRANSFER AUDIO OVER TO MY MICROPHONE, THUS STRIKING AT YOUR WEAKNESS!" ("When did Haohmaru turn into Mojo Jojo?" Daisuke wondered aloud.) "THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL TAKE THESE TITLES FROM US, FOR WE ARE NOBLE WARRIORS WHO WALK THE WAY OF THE SWORD, AND THAT PATH IN PARTICULAR IS SUPERIOR TO ANY SILLY COLLECTIBLE POP CULTURE CRAZE ORIENTED STYLE SUCH AS THE STYLE THAT YOU FOLLOW, AND THUS YOU WILL BE--" Pikachu snatched the microphone away from Jesse, as his cheeks flickered with sparks and arcs of electricity. "PIKAAA!" he shouted into the mike, discharging his power... ...which shunted through the airwaves, blowing out the soundboard with a wave of feedback, and in turn electrocuting Haohmaru. The ronin collapsed like a wet sack of mashed potatoes. "Infidel!" Kunou accused, drawing his bokken, and charging the ring, running samurai-style. "You will pay for this insult!" "But Wolverine's not out yet! The fight can't start yet!" Hiroshi yelled. Daisuke shrugged. "Ask him if he cares, Hiro." ][ ULTRARAGE EPSILON MATCH #5 : LAMBDA CHAMPIONSHIP, LOSER LEAVES TOWN ][ TEAM ROCKET vs. THE SAMURAI vs. WOLVERINE/???? ][ FIGHT! "Arbok, go!" "Wheezing, go!" TOK! TOK! Kunou slid to a halt in the ring, as the two pokeballs were sent flying into the Seating Section 7G. Apparently a bokken made a terrific baseball bat as well. "Now you die," he seethed. And lo, Team Rocket did run for it. "And look at them go!" Hiroshi announced. "Running around and around the ring, through under the bottom rope and out the other side... with Kunou batting away every pokeball they throw! I guess they should've packed a few of their crazy weapons, but you have to admit, they were caught off-guard by Nabiki's match changes... oh, and now Haohmaru's up and joining the chase... uh. Daisuke? Isn't this a tag match?" The referee, trying to maintain some semblance of order, stepped in front of the fleeing Team Rocket. "Now, please, return to your corn--" "Out of my way!" Jesse yelled, knocking the ref aside. Like all referees, he went down like a cheap prostitute at the slightest prodding, falling unconscious immediately. "SUCH INSOLENCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!" Haohmaru warned, whirling his sword back, drawing the air currents with it to use his tornado attack-- before electricity was pumped down the blade into his hands, stunning him momentarily. "And Pikachu comes to Team Rocket's aid once more! Without a pokeball, there's no way they can get rid of him easily! GO TEAM ROCKET!" Hiroshi marked out. Jesse and James slipped into the ring, while Pikachu kept the Samurai busy at the outside. They went through their inventory quickly, to check how many pokeballs were left... and found none. Punting Pikachu into the announcer's desk, the Samurai cut their way through the ring ropes, to climb onto the apron and pose. "Here begins your end, poachers!" Kunou declared. "The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure!" "Quick, Jesse! What about the emergency pokeball you have in your hair?" James asked. "Ah, right!" she said, drawing the red and white ball out. "Perfect, James! This will take care of those uncouth barbarians. MEW! I CHOOSE--" A whirling ball of yellow spandex and adamantium kicked the ball away, before it could open. Wolverine's claws extended with a sharp SNIKT, as he turned to face James... and then turned to face Haohmaru, lashing out at the ronin warrior. "The heck--?" Hiroshi blurted, as an intense Claws vs. Swords battle broke out, Wolverine handling one member of the Samurai with each arm. "Am I seeing this? Is Wolverine HELPING Team Rocket?" "I think he just wants to get the Samurai out of the way so he can dismember James in peace," Daisuke suggested. "Oh, okay. --WHAT?!" While the three locked horns, a spare referee ran out from backstage... waving a white sheet of paper. "Orders from Nabiki! No DQs!" he shouted... before grasping the edge of a security barrier, to step well outside of the fight and watch from afar. "Ah," Daisuke chimed in with. "It seems the ref is signalling that we are now operating under 'no disqualifications' rules, which means--" "It's a crazed brawl with every man for himself!!" "Hmm. That sums it up better than I could have, Hiroshi, thanks." While adamantium is a substance harder than diamond, the aged wood of a kendo bokken was not. Kunou quickly found himself holding a tiny stump of his long, hard rod, as Wolverine turned to take advantage of the opening... while Haohmaru lept in from behind. "ENLIGHTENMENT!" he shouted, whirling the winds around his sword... Wolverine dodged. The ring did not. The screaming wind attack sliced the ring into five seperate pieces, which toppled left and right and generally collapsed. Jesse and James scrambled for a footing, fortunately not bisected themselves. "Good thing there's no DQs, we just lost the ability to do ring countouts," Daisuke added. "I haven't seen things this crazy since Jack was booking." "I'll just be hiding under the desk, Daisuke, don't mind me," Hiroshi informed. "What if they put someone through the announcer's desk?" "...uh..." ..."At least they're fighting each other," Jesse decided, after Team Rocket had taken shelter behind a larger part of the dismembered ring. "James... I know for a fact you have another Pokemon on you. Use it." "But Jesse--!" "No buts! It's the only chance we have left." "...I suppose," James said, pulling a pokeball from its hiding place in his panties, and enlarging it with a press of the button. "VICTREEBELL! I CHOOSE MMPMPNMMPPMPMHHH." "Victree," the Pokemon mumbled while trying to eat James. The two tumbled and rolled away, the human inside frantically trying to free himself. Jesse sighed, looking through her inventory for some Pokesnacks to tempt it away with. "It was worth a chance, I suppose. We seem to be ignored here, so no reason not to--" The Jack of Clubs, Queen of Hearts and Ace of Spades embedded themselves in the protective mats in front of Jesse. She had time to blink once before they exploded, knocking her backwards over the security rail and into the crowd. (Washuu quickly pulled Mary out of the way before Jesse took her seat away.) Pulling herself weakly back over the railing and flopping on her back onto the mat, Jesse coughed, and tried not to think of how mussy her hair would be now. Instead she thought of the pole pressed against her collarbone, and the man with a foot firmly on her chest... "Cherie, Gambit be here on a special favor jus' to handle you while Wolvy takes care o' business," Wolverine's mystery partner explained. "It be nothin' personal, you understand." ...meanwhile, with no small amount of effort, James had wormed free from Victrebell's near-fatal mastication. "Victreebell, PLEASE, return!!" he pleaded, slurping the Pokemon back into its pokeball. Time to assess the situation, he thought... And the situation was : 1. Jesse being kept down by Gambit. 2. The Samurai tied up in the fragments of the steel ring cables, immobile. 3. Wolverine coming his way with both claws out and looking damn sharp. 4. No weapons, no Pokemon, no chance in hell. "This is it, floof!" Wolvy growled, sliding his claws in an out, ready for the kill. "Time to pay for what you did to me." The ref, who was minding his own business until now, cleared his throat. "Hey, um, I know this is no DQ, but those claws aren't very--" "GRROROAAAWLLGLLLGLLLLL," Wolverine told him. "I'll allow it!" the ref quickly decided. James did what he could -- he balled up his fists under his chin, made with the watery fear-eyes, and screamed like a little girl "Aiiieeeee! Please, Mister Wolverine sir, don't kill me! The hang glider thing was an accident, I swear!!" A claw was raised. "Yeah, well, so is THIS, bub--" "PIKA!" But Wolverine twisted on a heel, and backhanded Pikachu out of the air even as the little yellow Pokemon's cheeks were starting to flare up. Pikachu went flying across the wreckage of the ring, into the first row. ("Look, Mommy, I caught a Pikachu! Can I keep it?") ("Mary, don't touch that. You don't know where it's been.") "Not this time, you little electric rat," Wolverine grumbled... before realizing James was fleeing along the side of the entrance ramp, heading for the exits. Wolverine lumbered into a steady gait, giving chase. When being chased, it's quite normal for cross-traffic to provide a sudden dead end where escape was previously an option. From the classic 'Two guys carrying a pane of glass across the street' to the hillarious 'Truck full of melons and/or chickens in crates', right down to the modern Ultra variant of 'Portable popcorn machine cart being parked right in front of the emergency exit for no explainable reason'. Which is the one James encountered. He smacked into the popcorn cart face first, before spinning to press his back against it... while the enraged mutant advanced slowly, knowing his prey was cornered. This was going to be fun... James fell to his knees, praying desperately. "Oh PLEASE PLEASE don't hurt me, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm--" "Pathetic," Wolverine declared, rolling his tongue around the word like you'd suck on a toxic waste lollipop. "If there's one thing I can't stand, and could NEVER stand in all my time in Ultra, it's a coward. A stinking yellow bellied coward! Stand like a man and face your doom!" The tiny, frayed rubber band of James's nerves finally snapped. Team Rocket wouldn't act like this, would they? No, if one is facing certain doom... one must go out in STYLE. Anything else would be uncivilized! And so, James stood up, despite his knees shaking. He took up a boxing stance, or at least a xerox copy of one. "F-Fine! I'll take you on! Man to man! Team Rocket is going to be Team Champion Rocket once more! ...surrender now, or prepare to FIGHT!" With a mighty swing, James struck with a snapping jab or an uppercut or a body blow or something -- and then whined when he pulled his hand back from hurting it against Wolverine's hard body. He paused to shake some life into its limp-wristed agony. "You call that a punch?" Wolverine asked... rearing back for one of his own. "THIS is a punch!" ...James fainted. Which is good, because dropping to the floor meant not getting metal claws to the face. Instead the claws shattered the side of the popcorn card, jammed themselves into the electrical heater, and ran an intense blast of electrical power straight down Wolverine's arm, into his skeleton, up his central nervous system and generally popping every light in his attic. The explosion knocked him back a good twenty feet, smoke curling from his spandex outfit. The referee peeked at the scene, quietly issued a ten count, and signaled for the bell. "The team of Wolverine and Gambit has been eliminated... and fired!" Hiroshi announced for the live crowd, which of course, went totally insane with joy. James recovered just in time to hear that... and stagger to his feet, perplexed as the crowd started to chant "JAME-SU! JAME-SU! JAME-SU!". With a nervous smile, he snapped open an 'R' fan, and posed with one foot on the fallen mutant's chest. "Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light!" he declared. "None can stand against--" The mutant stirred, so James made a break for it. ...when the bell rang, Gambit stopped trying to keep Jesse immobilized. He stepped back, giving her time to breathe. "Sounds like Canucklehead got his temper in the way 'o things again," he sighed, disappointed. He folded his striking staff up, and tipped an imaginary hat to Jesse. "See you 'round, Cherie. Good luck in the fight." With a spinning leap, he vaulted over the heads of Seating Section 1B, landing perfectly next to Wolverine. The beast in yellow jumped to his feet, ready to dismember his enemy... who was not present. "Where is he?! I'll--" "We lost," Gambit said, pulling out a fresh cigarette, and lighting it in full defiance of second hand smoke laws. "Gambit be thinkin' this was a silly idea anyway. C'mon, let's go." "It's not over! It's not over until--" "Yes, it is over. Aieee, Logan, you been goin' off the deep end lately," Gambit commented, pleading with his on again, off again friend. "It's just a TV show, yeah? Look, Professor X needs us for a little somethin'-somethin'. You just got fired, right? Let's go. Savin' the world don't wait for no one." "...yeah. Fine. Eh, let 'em have their fun. It was fine while it lasted," Wolverine decided, sliding his claws back into their sheaths. He walked off with his partner, looking up with surprise at the bit of applause from some dedicated Wolverine fans. It brought a smile to the mutant's face... it was a fun ride indeed. ...and so, after some very hip-swaying jogging, James arrived on scene with a renewed sense of purpose and a spine of pure iron. He wasn't quite sure what he would do after arriving, but getting there, that he could do with style and pinache! "Jesse!" he declared, almost sounding manly as he did so. "I'm here to save uhoh." He wasn't counting on Jesse being held with a katana to her neck when he got there. "AS YOU SEE, WE HAVE THE ADVANTAGE!" Haohmaru declared. "AND HAVING THE ADVANTAGE IS KEY TO VICTORY IN ALL BATTLES, AS THE LEGENDARY (BUT NOT SO LEGENDARY AS I) YAGYU JUBEI TAUGHT! WE DEMAND YOUR FORFEIT IMMEDIATELY, JAMES OF TEAM ROCKET!" "Indeed," Kunou intoned. James's lower lip trembled. No, this isn't good at all, he thought. Victreebell wouldn't work here, and Pikachu is missing, and all the weapons were left backstage, and... and there wasn't anything he could do, was there? But Jesse, despite being a hostage, simply looked annoyed. "Quit standing around, James. Destroy them!" "B-B-B-But--" "We are Team CHAMPION Rocket! Mere thugs as these do not frighten us." "They don't?" "NO, they do not! Fight for the glory of Team Champion Rocket, and use Victreebell! And this time, for heaven's sakes, don't be digested in the process..." And behind the Samurai... James could see two yellow ears emerge, from behind the security barrier. Pikachu silently climbed to perch on the barrier, giving James a quiet thumbs up. Ready and waiting for his cue. Hiroshi peeked up from under the desk, watching. The crowd watched. Tension mounted, as everybody waited for the final strike that would end this contest, one way or another, all eyes focused completely on the standoff... "Jesse? It's all or nothing, yes?" James asked... finding a smile creeping across his lips. "Then... let's go for broke in STYLE! PIKACHU, I CHO--" Since everybody was watching James, they didn't notice Sagat walking quite brazenly up behind him with the stolen Lambda belts. Not until he clocked the male half of Team Rocket over the head with thirty pounds of engraved gold, while Evil Hiroshi popped up behind Pikachu, clocking the electrical Pokemon with the other belt. Casually clocking Jesse in the back of the head with the hilt of his sword was only the natural next step, in Haohmaru's view. The ref shook his head in disappointment, unable to disqualify the Samurai for the assist, and called for the bell. "Team Rocket has been eliminated, and fired from Ultra!" he declared. "Your winners, and still Lambda champions... the Samurai!" "Well, damn," Daisuke groaned, slumping back in his chair. "Looks like Bison hasn't forgotten--" "YOOOUUU!" Hiroshi shouted, pointing at his Evil counterpart. The two locked eyes a moment, one grinning madly, the other frowning deeply... before Hiroshi snapped. Kicking off from his metal chair like a springboard, Hiroshi vaulted the announcer's desk, and plowed through the Samurai with a brief flash of an AT Field. The champions were knocked aside, as Hiroshi took off through the crowd, chasing his twin up an aisle and out an emergency exit. Daisuke rubbed his eyes a few times to clear them, while EMTs ran out to collect Team Rocket. "Uh... bye, Hiroshi? And it looks like Team Rocket's blasting off... for good. Well, that's a sucky ending, but it's an ending. So, from all of us at Ultra, good fight, good--" He paused a moment, holding a hand to his ear to block out the noise... nodding at the instructions over the earpiece. "Hang on, folks, the show apparently isn't over. Nabiki's coming out to make an announcement in a minute. Your guess is as good as mine." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Formal wear wasn't the best thing to run in, but he couldn't pause to shuck the tuxedo shoes. Every second counted -- his enemy had the same strength he did, the same speed... a perfect match. If he had any hope of catching him, he couldn't afford the pause... "I swear, I'm gonna rip out your lungs with a fork!!" Hiroshi shouted, mild mannered-ness having been left behind long ago. It only slowed him down, after all. "Biiiih!" Evil Hiroshi taunted, turning to yank an eyelid at his original source. "Someone's a sore looooser! All's fair in love and war, Hiroshi!" No! Hiroshi thought, seeing the purple portal of Shadowloo technological origin opening just ahead. And through it, he could see Rei, in her casual clothes, standing and waiting for her boyfriend's return... "REI!" Hiroshi shouted, reaching out to her as Evil Hiroshi jumped into the safe zone on the other side of the portal... ...and Rei reached out to Hiroshi. The real Hiroshi, not the Evil one. Before she could say anything, the portal faded away. Hiroshi slid to a halt, pinwheeling his arms wildly to stop... and laughed. He lost. He didn't catch up. But he won, in a way... Rei recognized him. She reached out to HIM, not to the enemy. "She hasn't forgotten me..." he spoke to himself, clenching a fist. "Somewhere inside, she hasn't forgotten... REI! I swear I'll save you!!" A janitor looked at him funny. Hiroshi's adrenaline stopped pumping, and he felt very, very tired. The show could take a hike... he was going home. Home to plan for things to come, and have a good, stiff Pepsi. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z To mixed boos and cheers, Nabiki Tendo emerged for the nth time that night. She ignored the crowds, walking to the ring with purpose... and with microphone, and with several pieces of paper. "Maybe we have another fight coming?" Daisuke speculated. "Or maybe she's about to declare Ultra an independent nation? Or come out of the closet while admitting she's carrying Elvis's alien love child? At this point, I wouldn't be surprised by any of that..." "Wait up on going back to your cars, people -- but I'll make this fast," Nabiki promised. She held up the slightly crumpled pile of paper. "You see these? These are anonymous messages I've been receiving all day. My best men can't track down the source; the security cameras were disabled, the logs erased, and so on. I'm going to be blunt... I want to know who's been sending me these... not because I intend to prosecute. It's because I may be interested in giving them a job. So, which one of you Ultra fans have been sending me this stuff? Step forward, and I promise I won't get angry--" The sound board guy must have fixed his earlier problems, because the music kicked in... entrance video showing a montage of yellow bath toys, playing a wild, chaotic mix of six songs playing simultaneously. Controversial Jack made his grand entrance, marching right down to the ring, every bit as businesslike as Nabiki's arrival. "...oh no," Daisuke spoke. "Oh, lord. This could get ugly. I wish he would have told me what he had planned... ah, for any authorities watching right now, I'd like to say for the record I have nothing to do with any legal infractions or wild stunts Jack's about to kick off, okay?" Nabiki's smile had inverted itself into a hard frown, as Jack hopped into the ring... and adjusted his tie. Adjusted his duck. Tapped the microphone...... and then smiled widely. "Nabiki? You want to know who sent you those letters? ... *I* SENT YOU THOSE LETTERS." The crowd went silent, just as confused as Nabiki was. "Yes, me!" Jack repeated. "I sent you booking notes for this show, top to bottom! *I* picked out the three way dances when you were so burned out from day to day business and dealing with Bison that you were about to put on a weak show. I dropped you note after note to change the stips, all throughout the night, to adapt to what was going on. I just booked your entire pay-per-view, Nabiki... and you didn't even realize it was me doing it for you. Your thoughts on the matter? Go on, they're all ears." Nabiki stood there dumbfounded for multiple moments... before busting out into laughter. She shook her head, waving for Jack to be quiet, so she could reply. "...I don't buy it, Jack. You're pulling my leg." "Am I?" Jack asked, not losing his smile. "Yes. You've got no reason whatsoever to help me out. If anything, you'd be in a better position if I failed miserably tonight! As my enemy, you have no reason to--" "Who says I'm still your enemy?" Jack asked... and then turned to the crowd, to address the fans of Ultra directly. "All of you! You guys know who I am. You know WHAT I am. I'm the one with a burning pride of Ultra, the one who wants to be the ultimate showman, putting on matches and spectacles the world has never seen before! I want to send you fans home happy. And her..." He pointed to Nabiki. "She wants to make money. She wants the ratings, she wants the buyrates, she wants to live in the lap of luxury as the owner of the most lucrative sports-entertainment franchise in recorded history. Do you see the conflict here? ...because I DON'T!" "What the hell is Jack up to now?" Daisuke wondered. "Is he really...?" "Nabiki..." Jack spoke, turning back to face her. "I've battled you, I've waged a media war on you, and I've shown to you time and time again that your booking is lousy. But you've been looking at it the wrong way... and so have I. This isn't a war. This is a lesson. The course is 'Good Booking Equals Good Money 101' -- the two work together hand in hand. MY mad booking skills... plus YOUR fly business talents... makes everybody happy. Me, you, them, the fighters, everybody. And that's why I happily accept your forementioned offer for gainful employment in the happy home of ULTRA!" Nabiki fumed like one of Wolverine's cigars. "Now... now wait just a minute here--" "Once employed, I will dissolve the CHAOS Army," Jack declared. "Its purpose has been served, guys, you did great and you've got Mr. Duck's undying thanks. I'll ALSO work to get the lawyers off your back, Nabiki, using the Harvard degree I picked up yesterday and some loopholes I deliberately worked into their game plan weeks ago. I'll even dedicate myself to finding new and amusing ways to foil Bison's takeover attempts!" "You're serious, aren't you?" Nabiki asked, shocked. "You bet your shoulder pads, sister!" Jack promised. "Week in, week out, I will put on the greatest television extravaganza the world has ever seen! And all I ask in return... is a simple yes. Yes to employing me as head booker. I don't need to own Ultra itself; I had enough problems back then to know that owning the place AND planning the shows is too much for any one person... which you're learning now, aren't you? What do you say, Nabiki? Do we continue this no-win war between us... or do we combine forces, and launch the most controversial tag team the world has ever seen!?" Nabiki's brain did cartwheels. Nonsense. Absolute nonsense! Of all the ridiculous, inane, inSANE... And then she heard it, heard it again. The cheers of the crowd. The cheers she'd heard earlier as she announced what were apparently Jack's changes, the cheers that pop buyrates, that make her MONEY... she looked back at Jack, sizing him up from his sneakers to the tips of his spiky red hairs. "I'm the bottom line," she reminded him. "I own the place, not you. If it's bad for business it doesn't get done. ...and you're not going to get an expense account without some pretty strict control over its use. Is that a deal?" Jack's smile jacked up sixty degrees. "THAT, Nabiki, is a deal." When his hand planted itself firmly in hers for the shake to seal the deal, the roof was nearly blown off the joint from the crowd's reaction. Howls of delight and cheering of the masses, as the next era in Ultra was established live and direct to millions of homes across the world... Daisuke had to repeat the words in his head a few times to make sure he heard them. "...holy crap. Jack and Nabiki working TOGETHER... Jack wasn't kidding. He wasn't kidding when he said this would be his most controversial action ever... uh. I've just been told we're out of airtime. Good night and good fight, folks, and your guess is as good as mine as to what the next episode is going to bring under the Controversial/Tendo regime!" The red ON AIR lights on all the cameras in the UltraDome clicked off. "I can't believe I agreed to that," Nabiki admitted, once the mikes had cut out. "Hey, it's the inner businesswoman in you talking, Nabiki," Jack reminded her, as he climbed out of the ring, walking back up the entrance ramp with her. "You know this is good for your favorite bottom line. Sometimes... the biggest controversy of all is following the completely logical outcome things should take." "I doubt I'm going to agree with your direction of the company in the near future, Jack. This is going to be the worst partnership imaginable. We'll be at it like cats in a sack." "Yeah, I expected as much," Jack also admitted, while the crowds filed out the exits, heading back to their cars. "I'm not worried. I work better under adversity anyway. I was just monstrous when I had ALL the power. Look, first of all, we need to get Team Rocket back on hire. I was hoping their luck would pull through for them..." "Not a problem. I can renegotiate them at a cheaper contract now, so this helps--" "Whoa, whoa," Jack said, interrupting her. "We can't just flat out hire them back. That's not dramatic enough to make good ratings! There's got to be some challenge for them to overcome in a flashy, televised way..." Nabiki's curiosity was definitely piqued. "What did you have in mind?" "Well..." They walked off into the sunset, happily ever after. Except for B-ko. "Boss, we have problems!" she called out, hurrying to meet them at the top of the ramp. "Hold that thought, Jack," Nabiki ordered. "What is it, B-ko?" Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Washuu checked the floating holo-watch embedded in her wrist. Eleven thirty... the show had gone on a little longer than planned. Mary would probably be asleep by now, the sweet little thing. She... ...was a bit surprised to find Mary very much awake and attentive, watching the three figures at the top of the ramp. "Mary, honey, it's time to go," Washuu reminded her, packing up the armful of souvenirs they had bought over the course of the night into hyperspace. She allowed herself a little smile, thinking back on the night. "You know, Mary-chan? That WAS a lot of fun. I've never sat in the audience for one of these things before... usually I was fighting. Mary, get your new Dan dolly, it's time to go--" "They're in trouble," Mary spoke, in grave tones. "What?" Washuu asked, looking up just as B-ko led the two backstage. "Something's wrong," Mary says. "Something's very wrong with B-ko, Mommy..." "Well, I'm sure we'll hear all about it next week on TV," Washuu rationalized. "Come along now." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z A blue portal opened up, the 'whoosh' noise Ultra portals make being the only sound for miles around. "...see what's the big problem, B-ko," Nabiki was saying, as she stepped through. "I really do have to get home, father's staying up late to-- where are we?" "Middle of nowhere, looks like," Controversial Jack replied, stepping through, with B-ko soon after. The portal slid quietly shut behind them. "What's the big deal, B-ko--" An obfuscation field flickered, and shut down. Jack and Nabiki found themselves facing Sephiroth, Evil Hiroshi... and M. Bison, Lord of Shadowloo. "Welcome, welcome," Bison greeted, bowing slightly. "I'm glad you could make it to your appointment, Tendo. Jack was a bit of a surprise, but since this affects him, he might as well attend our meeting..." "Bison," Nabiki acknowledged, voice icing over. "What do you want now? If it's about the Lambda titles, I already declared the belts your fighters hold to be null and--" "Oh, please, you think this is about titles?" Bison asked. "Far from it. Titles do not interest me. What interests me... is all of Ultra. And you're going to sign it over to me immediately, Nabiki Tendo, or I'm going to kill you. Right here. Right now. Jack, too, now that I think about it." Nabiki remained perfectly motionless... while Jack burst out into laughter. "Oooooh, spooooooky!" he mocked, wiggling his fingers in a creeping horror kind of way. "Big bad Bison muscling a little girl and a crazy man around. That's cute, man, nine out of ten for style. So you're really going to get three murder charges on your head over a TV show, is that it?" "I'm an international crime lord. What's two more deaths on my already fine standings at the UN and the FBI?" Bison asked. "Three, maybe that would be bad... but two is fine. ...B-ko?" ...and B-ko crossed sides, joining Sephiroth and Bison. "Nabiki, I'm terminating our working relationship," B-ko declared, smiling coldly. "What good is a television show to me, when Lord Bison has all the robotics technology and cheap labor I could ever need? And I believe I control forty nine percent of Ultra, yes? Be a love and give over the other fifty one, so we can get on with our affairs." "HAH!" Jack laughed. "Little do YOU know that in your partial ownership contract, there was an embedded subclause! Your shares go right back to Nabiki in the event of your resignation. She was ready for your backstabbing, you purple haired Benedict Arnold!" "...you knew about that?" Nabiki asked, trying not to let her fear overcome her voice. "I always study up on my enemies," Jack spoke, straightening his tie. Bison's smile dropped a bit. "Who cares? So Nabiki owns lock stock and barrel. She won't be owning her own life if she doesn't sign the lock, the stock, and the barrel over to me immediately. Make your choice, Nabiki, live poor or die rich. I'll buy the entire company once you're dead and your shares go back on the market, of course, so I win regardless. I hate to use such blunt tactics when manipulating you is more fun, but I grow tired of this game. The only reason I LET you continue to run Ultra was out of a sense of self amusement... and I grow bored. So I'm simplifying matters. Ultra or your life. Decide now." "Nobody knows you're here," B-ko reminded them. "Even if they did, I've perfected Shadowloo's shielding technology specifically against Washuu's portal technology. She's broken in here so many times that we had more than adequate data to lock her out once and for all." Jack remained unconcerned. "You guys sound like bad James Bond villains, you know that, right? Next thing you know, you'll be putting us in the unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism over the enraged mutant sea bass. Well, Nabiki's not about to give you--" "Where do I sign?" Nabiki asked softly. "--what?" "Where do I sign?" she repeated. "Jack... he won. I'm just a businesswoman, I'm not a fighter, and neither are you. He would have done this eventually. There's nothing we can do to stop him. I value Ultra... I know now how important is to you, too. But I'd rather give it up and go back to being a mundane schoolgirl than be dead." "So you're giving up?" Jack asked. "I've studied you, Tendo. We've been at war for what seems like forever. I know you wouldn't back down like this, not unless--" "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stupidly hold out hope for a rescue. Not against these odds. Bison, I'll sign over all of Ultra's shares to you." Bison snapped his fingers, and B-ko presented Nabiki with a pen and legal papers. "On the dotted line, please. No need to sign in your own blood, ink will suffice for the lawyers. I hate to think of the income taxes I'll have to avoid paying now. Only two constants in life, you know... taxes... and death." Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Her head rose sharply, as if hearing a distant sound. "He's going to hurt them!" Mary spoke aloud. "MOMMY! Mommy!" Washuu hurried into Mary's bedroom, and flicked on the light. "What? What is it?" "That bad man is going to hurt them anyway!" Mary told her, getting out of bed quickly. "He said he'd let them go but he's lying! Bison's going to kill them! I can see it inside him!" "Bison?" Washuu asked... feeling her stomach fall out. "Mary... what are you talking about?" Mary got her shoes on quickly. "I have to stop him, Mommy. I have to do what's right. I won't be gone long--" "Whoa, WHOA!" Washuu spoke up, waving her arms. "No way. Mary, you are staying right here... even if Bison's about to do something bad. I'll look into it, I promise, and see if I can do--" "You'd be too late," Mary spoke... as she started to glow, a halo fading into view behind her head. "I have to go now." Fear rose like bubbles in Washuu's mind. Doubt that she could stop Mary, doubt she could save Mary if things were... "Mary... you make one more step and.. and you're grounded! Please, don't do this!" "...I'm sorry, Mommy," Mary spoke softly... smiling, trying to comfort her adoptive mother. "But this is why I'm here." And she was gone. Washuu reached her lab 1.3 seconds later. She fired up her portal generator, trying to find her, trying to get to wherever she went... but got no response from the controls. She wrenched a panel open to fix the machine, and found the innards completely replaced with stuffed animals... All that was left at that point was to pray. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Everything gone. Everything she worked for, fought to protect, strove to improve. She'd finally found the formula, the thing that would make everything work out perfectly, and now it would be gone... the moment she signed her name on the paper. Was this how Jack felt, back when she took Ultra away from him? Nabiki had to wonder. Did he feel that loss? Like he woke up one morning and find his reason to live stripped away?... No matter. She had to live, even if it was without her sole passion in life. The pen approached the paper. The paper got brighter. She saw a white reflection on the pen's plastic. "You people have done a lot of very bad things," the child spoke. Bison frowned slightly. "B-ko, you said you had your portal blocker perfected. We're fifty miles from the nearest village. How exactly did this kid get here, and who is she?" "That's... I believe that's Washuu's daughter..." B-ko spoke, quite confused. "B-ko-san, you hurt my friend Nuku-Nuku," Mary spoke, moving the finger of accusation to her... and then sliding it to her companion. "Sephiroth, you hurt Lina-san a long time ago. You who are not Hiroshi, you cause the real Hiroshi and Rei Ayanami pain and suffering every day you exist. All of you hurt people who didn't deserve to be hurt. But now, Bison... I'm not going to let you hurt Nabiki." "How adorable!" Bison decided, clapping lightly for the speech. "Washuu's daughter has the same misguided sense of right and wrong that her mother has... and apparently enough power to bypass B-ko's device. Fascinating, but ultimately, pointless. Child, I don't know what game you think you're playing, but--" Bison paused... and his eyelids drifted shut. His bulky armor clattered a bit as he sank to the ground, his cape drifting over his form like a makeshift blanket. B-ko curled up nicely on top of her Sephy-kun, and Evil Hiroshi simply fell flat on his face. All four dozed easily, in peaceful slumber. Nabiki and Jack, however, did not fall asleep. They both turned slowly to look at the girl, perplexed. Nabiki stepped forward. "How... how did you...?" "...I don't know," Mary admitted. "It just felt like what I was supposed to do..." Behind Nabiki, a portal formed... white in color, a perfect circle. Through it, she could clearly see the living room of the Tendo household. In the distance, Kasumi was still awake, and working in the kitchen... "You should go home now," Mary suggested.. as her own eyes drifted slightly. "Your family is very worried about you... and..." Jack was there to catch the girl, as she fell unconscious, exhausted from the effort spent tonight. Without a word, he and Nabiki jumped into the portal before it had a chance to close, and were gone. An untold number of minutes later, the forces of darkness awoke from a pleasantly refreshing nap. "...curious," Bison spoke, looking around for the girl. "If I was in her place, I would not leave myself standing. Or something to that effect. Is everybody accounted for?" "Yes, Lord Bison," B-ko spoke up. "Fear not! I am still a registered fighter in Ultra. I will take revenge on--" "Oh, it's of no importance," Bison stated, dusting himself off. "So, Washuu's daughter knows a few tricks. I'm unimpressed. A true warrior would destroy us, not put us to sleep. Clearly she's immature and weak in her power, and not nearly as threatening as Washuu on her worst day. Still... this is a disappointment." "I could teleport them back, somehow?" B-ko suggested. "No... don't bother. The direct approach, sell or die, was never to my liking. It's too... easy," Bison said. "They outmanuvered us on it, too. Let them feel safe and secure. I will find a more pleasantly ironic way to gain what I want in the future, I'm certain. Let us return to base." "Hai, sir. Sephy-kun, let's go." But Sephiroth wasn't listening to them. Sephiroth was listening to the voice in his head. That's the one, the voice spoke. The one with the power you seek. "Yes," he said aloud. The [void] will have its revenge on the Lord of All. We cannot take Her power; She is the power in and of itself. But we will destroy Her, and fill the hole She leaves behind. "Yes. And I shall take my rightful place at the head of creation." You shall, Son of Jenova. It [will] happen. "Sephy-kun?" "Coming, dear," Sephiroth replied, smiling warmly. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Washuu wasn't expecting a call from the Tendos, but welcomed it. Especially since it meant Mary was now safe and tucked into her bed, sleeping peacefully. Power drain, Washuu realized. Repeated miracles take a lot out of her. But now, others have seen those miracles... exactly the wrong people. Washuu didn't want to live in fear. She wanted a nice, normal childhood for Mary, but maybe that was too much to expect given the circumstances... But she'd fight to ensure Mary had that normal childhood. She added it to a mental To Do list... call Nabiki tomorrow, get hired again. Just in case she could use Ultra as an avenue to protecting Mary, rather than hiding from it. Just in case. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z That very night, Marlo ordered a portable hot water heater via express mail from Amazon.com. That very night, Ranma and Akane had a mild arguement about who got to keep the Gamma belt. It was decided when Akane malleted Ranma. That very night, Jack made a call to Team Rocket, promising them they'd have news next week about their contracts. James cried with joy. That very night, Bean Bandit placed a call to an emergency car repair shop in Tokyo, and took enough valium to keep him mellow yellow so he wouldn't accidentally snap someone's neck. That very night, Mary slept quietly, cuddling her Dan dolly. That very night, UltraRage Zeta came and went. Next week was another matter. Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z Z z ][ ULTRARAGE ZETA , Episode #52 RESULTS/RECAP ][ KARIN defeats MORRIGAN and SAKURA, now 3W/1L (two wins, one per elimination) ][ RANMA and AKANE defeat IORI, now 1W/1L and GAMMA CO-CHAMPIONS ][ BEAN defeats MARLO and MOUSSE, now 3W/1L and HARDCORE CHAMPION ][ DAN defeats SEPHIROTH and VOIDUCK, now 11W/15L and still OMEGA CHAMPION ][ THE SAMURAI defeat TEAM ROCKET and WOLVERINE/GAMBIT, now 7W/5L and still LAMBDA CHAMPIONS ][ TEAM ROCKET and WOLVERINE fired ][ WASHUU rehired to OMEGA DIVISION ][ Note: Team Rocket is only 'fired' for plot reasons; this is not an official firing.